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Story not approved

no_named_one

no_named_one

Author
I submitted the story The Smiths 4 The ****** Talk.
I don't see it on the site, so I believe it was not approved. How do I know what section of the story went too far?
 
dig420 said:
I think I just approved that.
Click to expand...
Thanks!
I thought a bit harder about what could cause it not to be approved. I figured it had to be either the pill bottle, foaming of the mouth, or the pillow scene. My guess is the pillow scene because it was a bit brutal.

It does leave a question for the reader. What's in the water?
 
The less editing required the faster it gets approved. Looking at your story, if you want it published faster, you need to make sure that each new speaker starts a new line.

Amanda screamed “Are you going to **** me again?” He said “****? I never ***** you, I gave you what you wanted but I don’t like sharing. I’m not meant to be here but we aren’t done. Besides I’m yet to break your ass in.” He said in his baritone voice as he towered over Amanda looking around and noticing the black dildo in the distance, still pulsating. She leaned over and touched his arms saying “I want both you and Tyrone to break me my ass in” she said with a nervous look. “I can’t deny my physiological responses to strong black men especially the ones that take control of me.” She conceded to Jamal.

Should be:

Amanda screamed “Are you going to **** me again?”

He said “****? I never ***** you, I gave you what you wanted but I don’t like sharing. I’m not meant to be here but we aren’t done. Besides I’m yet to break your ass in.”

He towered over Amanda looking around and noticing the black dildo in the distance, still pulsating. She leaned over and touched his arms. “I want both you and Tyrone to break me my ass in.” she said with a nervous look. “I can’t deny my physiological responses to strong black men, especially the ones that take control of me.”

Avoid stating that someone said something once at the beginning and once at the end of a sentence. Once is enough. Make sure that you use punctuation at the end of a sentence, even if that sentence is in quotes.
 
A lot closer, but you still have multiple speakers in the same paragraph. Every new sentence by a different speaker needs to be on it's own line. You also have Amanda responding and Omar saying the same line here in the first sentence of this paragraph. Presumably Amanda's response was the last line of the preceding paragraph, and 'Amanda responded' should be with that line in that paragraph. You need to go over the story carefully and make sure you remove mistakes like this. First letter of any new sentence needs to be capitalized, and you don't need a period at the end of a quote when there's already punctuation inside the quote.

Amanda responded. “Well you know we’ve never taken our relationship to the next level, maybe tonight we don’t have to but I can still give you a sense of lies ahead in marriage? Omar said. Amanda knew what he meant but the prospect of being fingered now by this weaker man compared to the wanton **** which lay ahead at night wasn’t that enthralling. He didn’t wait for any response and Omar slid his hands up her pants and started to scratch at her vagina. Her immediate response was to put her hand on his to try and dissuade him. He didn’t like that and immediately retorted “so you can stare at a black man all day but you don’t want to be even pleasured by your future husband?”. Amanda sighed “no Omar it’s just that this is all new to me”. She felt guilty for lying but as far as he was concerned she was right. “I will be gentle” Omar responded and proceeded to insert his inner (what is an inner?) into her vagina.

Should be:

“Well you know we’ve never taken our relationship to the next level, maybe tonight we don’t have to but I can still give you a sense of what lies ahead in marriage?" Omar said.

Amanda knew what he meant but the prospect of being fingered now by this weaker man compared to the wanton **** which lay ahead at night wasn’t that enthralling. He didn’t wait for any response and Omar slid his hands up her pants and started to scratch at her vagina. Her immediate response was to put her hand on his to try and dissuade him.

He didn’t like that and immediately retorted “So you can stare at a black man all day but you don’t want to be even pleasured by your future husband?”

Amanda sighed “No Omar it’s just that this is all new to me.” She felt guilty for lying but as far as he was concerned she was right.

“I will be gentle,” Omar responded and proceeded to insert his inner into her vagina.
 
Sorry I didn't have time. Please leave it for now I will make the above amendments when I get some time. Thanks
 
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