Journal of a Journey - Book #126

We did have sex last night; it was at her suggestion if I was 'in the mood' and when I looked at her she said, "Yes, with you silly". She told me that she feels good about us and that with her not seeing Paul this weekend she had herself in the mood.

It started the way we normally do with her gently teasing about '.. when was the last time you ....?' and making mentions of 'Paul's pussy' so that very soon she was feeling my raging hard-on and telling me that she likes that I am turned on. However, this time things veered off in a surprising direction when after she encouraged me to 'enjoy myself' in licking and sucking at her pussy, 'Paul's pussy'.

I always find it very erotic to spread her pussy lips apart and reveal where Paul has been so much and how it gets my juices going to open her up and know that.

She responded eagerly including holding my head and saying, "Oh yes, just like that..." as I licked her till she orgasmed deeply. I felt and tasted the distinct sweetness that she produces that cannot be faked.

It was when I knelt up above her as she lay there splayed open for me and as I reached over for the condom that she smiled up at me and asked me, “Would you ever consider doing it yourself instead of with me?"

I must have looked confused as if I didn't know what she meant so she asked again, "You know, would you ever jerk off instead of getting inside me?” I was pulling the condom on and she added, "Not tonight, but sometime... what do you think?”

I asked her back, "You mean instead of fucking you?"

She said, "Well, yeah, that too, but you know, letting me watch you that way."

I started to say, "… Well, maybe, I guess..."

She said, "Would that be better than the condom?... You know, you pull out and finish yourself all over me?”

I looked down and told her it'd probably be all over her and she giggled and said, "That's okay ... you could probably aim it into me if you wanted ..." then laughed and said, "That might be the only way it gets in me." She giggled again then said almost immediately," But seriously honey, how would that be, you know, enjoy me for a bit and then do that?"

I looked at her confused and said, "Would I need the condom on then?"

She smiled and paused for a moment watching as I stroked my cock to keep it hard (not necessary!) and said, "If I was sure you wouldn't have an accident, then maybe not ..." and then added, "But probably, yes. Is that still okay?"

I groaned back that I wasn't sure if it'd be better or not but did say, "Maybe, we can try.... but not tonight, right?"

She gave a pout and said, "No, no honey, tonight I want you in here," and with that, she pulled her legs back for me and smiled as I pushed into her.


Afterward, she asked me would or wouldn't it be better for me to pull out and masturbate without the condom or stay in with the condom.

I told her that I wasn't sure and she explained that she had remembered what I'd said about enjoying jerking off and it was that which led her to suggest this new 'game'.

I looked at her and said, "You want me to try it sometime, don't you?"

She smiled, nodded, and said, "Yes, just to see how it is".


I am trying to be strong here right now because last night when I said that I thought we could try something out as a way to see how it would be she surprised me when she said, "It is going to happen honey, and I have to be sure you know it." She proceeded to tell me that while she is keen on this idea and while she still 'has the hots for Paul' that come to the end of the summer when the kids go back to school, she all but told me that I'll be giving up any kind of intercourse with her for a while.

It turned into a heated discussion, one that included her reminding me, " that you need to just let go and let yourself be the beta already!"

She asked me many questions including repeating the ones from the other night where she wanted me to tell her how intense it was to masturbate at times. I pulled it back and told her that I wasn't ready to give up on her just yet and that I wasn't sure about what it would do to us.

She looked at me and said, "I know we need to do it now and then honey, and we will… " saying that outside those few times which will be every few weeks, " we can surely have some fun and you can fill your condom."

Things then took on a more serious tone when she said that she wasn't kidding about this and that unless I was going to leave her or something drastic, she was going to want to do this.

I told her I was scared. She laughed when I said that and said that she wasn't and that she thinks I put too much meaning in the sex we have together. She admitted that she does need to be with me and in a more unconcerned way said that it'll be very hot for both of us to reconnect now and then, adding almost as a throwaway remark, “I think you make too much of it if you fuck me or if you make me cum.”

I told her that it hurt to hear her say that she feels that way and she said that it's something she's gotten herself worked up into and that it's something she wants to do. She also asked me what I thought was going to happen when I told her I wanted to be her beta. She was speaking more seriously to me and I was surprised at how much command she had of the situation, me as well as what it meant to be a beta.

She told me she'd been looking around online (and then specifically said, "Don't worry baby, I don't read your stuff, I promise .. I've never looked at those journals you write!) and that she'd learned that she was feeling empowered when I let go of it.

She told me that she still remembers me telling her yes to her asking me if I wanted her to look to Paul for her sexual pleasure and how she still thinks about how hard it must have been for me to say it, but I did.

She told me how it's obvious I am enjoying myself and how easily I give in to her wanting to be with him. Once again she said, “What did you expect when you pushed me to give that pleasure to him and to share it with him?”

I think I had some tears in my eyes because she hugged me hard and asked me how things had been for the past year or more with Paul and when I said, "great until this whole thing..."

She cut me off and said that she's been feeling this way for at least a year or so where she's been feeling the desire to fulfill her desires to truly 'be Paul’s'.

I asked her what that meant exactly and she was quite frank about it. She said, "You don't get to fuck me".

It was quiet for a minute before she broke the silence and said, "See, you didn't say a thing…. and I'll tell you when there's something else I want from you…"She giggled and said, "You won't have to think you are waiting for me".

I was about to complain, telling her, "What about what we talked about; about letting it happen on its own?" That we could have talked about this in August when it was getting closer.

She smiled and said, "We can talk about it then but I want you to know that I want it to happen so when we talk in August, it'll be about when and not if."

I sat there feeling dejected but seemingly she didn’t notice for she took the conversation back to how she feels her relationship with Paul is sort of at its peak right now. She gushed to me about how great the sex is between them and how she hasn't felt this kind of excitement in a long long time. She must have noticed the stunned look on my face for she then told me again how she was sorry if this was hurting me but that it's something she feels she needs to start talking about now so that when September gets here and the kids have gone back to school, that as she says, "we can start"; that how for a little while she is going to want to have a little more time with him 'during the week'.

She saw me looking very upset and she told me that we have 8 weeks to talk all of this out and that I shouldn't look at it as if she was leaving me or anything. "Baby, it's just a little less sex between you and me, that's all it is," adding, almost as an afterthought, " … that we can still have Wednesday nights."

We didn't reach any conclusions and I have to say that I went to sleep feeling like the world was crashing down on me.


Today, while I still have all of the same misgivings, so far she hasn't mentioned anything yet and I'm not sure how to even bring it up other than later tonight when we're in bed. She seems unconcerned about how we left it. I admit it's a little intoxicating that she's showing this side of her, but at the same time, I am wondering now what I've created or unleashed.

And yet at the same time, a part of me already knows how I am going to respond, even as I'm writing this my heartache has somewhat been replaced by a hard-on. Ugh.


Suffice to say that she apologized for her harsh stance on Sunday night and backtracked a bit and said that we don't need to rush or push things and that she let some annoyances and other personal feelings issues get to her yesterday. I think she's concerned about her parents (her *** seems to have resumed a slow decline) and I think, from what I can glean, she's feeling like time and life is passing her by. What with the problems with her *** and our kids getting older she said she is 'feeling her age' and apologized for wanting to experience things and letting herself get carried away by it.


We've continued talking about things as we've been home a lot. She will be seeing Paul over this weekend as neither of our kids will be anywhere close-by over the holiday weekend; both have plans to be elsewhere. She either wants him to come to our house saying, “It’s been a while since he's been here,” then adding, "and since you were there with us," or, that she wants to spend the night at his place.

Somehow the conversation moved on and we spoke about my pleasures and whether I found more satisfaction from masturbating than having intercourse with her. Initially, she thought I might be implying something more but as we talked I explained that sometimes I can put myself in a place mentally that is very intense.

She said she understood and that she feels the same about using her toys sometimes, that occasionally, she just, "… needs a woman’s touch".

She then asked me what I liked to think about when I was wanking and what thoughts were, "Get you off."

I told her, and I am sure she noticed me hesitate, that they always involved her and her pussy being filled by another guy. That made her giggle.

We talked and I shared my worries about her somehow losing herself emotionally with Paul. She gave me comfort by saying that she doesn’t do anything other than what I know about and I do want to believe that things are as they seem to be as she says.

Certainly, I don't see signs of excessive communication between them. She gets a few texts during the week which she tells me about. They are usually announced by her giggles when she will then tell me, "Paul is feeling horny" or something like that. But I also recognize that she doesn't always tell me just how she's feeling, especially when I see her being swept along by things and that sort.

I've told her this is what I felt but it's really of no use since her reply was the same as always when I ask about her losing herself with him, " … but I don't want that with him; I just want.....".

I repeated what I said before, that it hurt to have had her come and just tell me that this is going to happen and make it like I'm not even being given a choice.


I probably would never say no to her and would keep agreeing to anything she wanted to do even if was too late for me to say anything to stop her. I am aware of the risk and the eventuality that if leaving me for Paul is truly something that she wants then how could I possibly ever say no to her? I'm not saying that in a bad way but I love her and if she is being honest with me (and I see no reason she isn't) how could I ever protest knowing that it turns me on enough to consider it in the first place?

The reality is that she's been fucking other guys now for over 9 years. It came up in our conversation that as she put it, it is something that is kind of now normal for us, "… that you like me fucking other guys" and she admits that for the past few years, this idea has settled and come to rest in her too. She genuinely likes it and has also taken to enjoying cucking me and knowing what sexual things seem to touch me more deeply. She said that she soon realized when I didn't flip out about being made the cuckold and react against it, that she is well aware that my giving her up sexually is a turn-on for me.

I was speechless when she said this but she has me figured out; she looked at me and said, "Tell me it's not true?"

She went on to tell me that she knows it's difficult for me to accept and say out loud or even think about too much. She went on to say that is why she's changed her attitude and tone with me, how she feels, and what she wants because she's come to understand that about me, that she knows that this IS something I want even if I won't admit it.


Last night she told me that she remembers how she felt at first when she was with other guys; that she needed to hear and know that I wanted it to happen for her; to let herself do it.

She said she still has the note I gave her when she went off to Boston on that fateful trip all those years ago. I blushed at the reminder.

She looked at me and said that it's the same for me in some ways now that we've traded places. Note or no note she feels that if she doesn't push for this, it's not likely to happen for a longer time. She looked at me and said, "Isn’t it easier for you to be okay with it when it is me that wants it?"

I told her she had my head all turned around and she giggled and said that she was enjoying this time with me and that she was enjoying seeing me having to deal with my thoughts and emotions and fantasies and that she thought it was a good thing for me to figure out so that we can know how and what we feel and what we both want.

I responded that I wasn't sure this was what I wanted. I saw the question in her eye and quickly added, “Okay, I’m not sure when I would want this."

She said, "It’s okay honey if it's not good between us, then we won't do it."

She turned to me, held my hand and kissed me, and said, "I meant what I said, we won't do anything you or we aren't ready for…" paused and added, "But see, we are already talking about it more because of what I finally said to you."

I felt like the ice had thawed a bit and she seemed to relax a bit. She said that it was very hard for her to tell me what she did but that as she talked to me that she said she saw by my body language, how I responded or didn't respond, that I wasn't horrified by what she was saying and that the more she talked, the easier the 'no Pussy' thing became to talk about and for her, to also think about more.

She said that she didn't want to do this to hurt me and she even said that she hoped it would turn me on and that we'd be okay while she explored her desires, but she also said that she can't deny how she feels; how she feels it's a good time with Paul; how she feels she's getting older and may not have or want or be able to do this in the future. Lastly, how she said that she feels alive sexually in a way that makes her just seem to love everything so much more.

She admitted that when we talked about it being more than 9 years now that she's been having sex with other guys she now says she thinks it's done so much more for her than just having fun. How she's been able and come to understand herself, her desires, and even where or how they originated; that she truly feels she wants to have this feeling with another guy. That she wants to feel like she is his sexually.

I told her again that I was scared and hesitant. I didn't tell her that some of that is surely rooted in how she was with the others and what I saw when it had happened when she'd felt her desires; how she had become 'broody'.

I don't think she would have had a baby with Robert (even if she were still able to} although I do think that she wanted to be pushed to feel she could have done so and could have made a choice to have become pregnant. I'll even say, as in enjoying the risk in a way, I do not believe she ever would have truly done it.

Just as I don't believe Dan could have truly pushed her to do things she wasn't ready to do. Just as I don't believe she truly fell for Peter versus feeling a new sense of infatuation at enjoying sex in a new way with him.

I didn’t specifically say any of those things but just kept it that I was scared and hesitant.

She did pause and said that she knew what I was feeling and smiled and said, "Knowing you are okay with it, makes me have none of those feelings baby.... I know what I want...." she kissed me and then added, "And I know what you want and it's not going to be bad for us."


We didn't talk about how often we would reconnect. I thought about saying it but then thought that it might again seem like I am over-thinking things and that maybe she's right, that she's just pushing us a bit further on this journey; that maybe she's just taken us past another bump in the road by coming out and telling me what she wants rather than asking me first.


What I keep coming back to is what I want and what I am truly feeling. She struck a nerve when she told me that she knows from my response to things that this all turns me on. She's right, to know that one day her body will only be for him does turn me on.

If she is being truly honest with me then how could I say no to her?

On the other hand, maybe she is being incredibly manipulative and cunning and has another motive or goal. That thought rightfully scares me and if she is feeling that way, then things aren't good. She will have been lying to me and if that's the case then a part of me is thinking, "fuck-it, go ahead and do it and let’s see which is right and which is wrong!"

I hate myself for thinking that way or even having the slightest suspicion about that as I just don't feel that in her. I've long told her that sometimes when we hold hands I can feel all of her through her hand and how it feels in mine. I do feel her love and sincerity very strongly when she turns to me and holds my hands and reassures me.


I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster at times. For a while things on our journey seem like they are staying on the same steady course and then without warning it looks as if we are careening around a sharp turn or in a sharp dip or a steep rise.

I think I keep my emotions in control most of the time but I admitted to her that at times to hear her say she wants to give her pussy to Paul puts me into one of those steep drops. The beta part of me isn't scared by this ride but other parts of me (what's left of my alpha side, as her husband and as a man) it's just not something you ever think you would want to do or think about.

I know from experience that whatever happens, it's going to be arousing. In the past, she's withheld sex from me for a long time, two months or more, and I remember how it left me feeling. Now those feelings are more out in the open with her (and knowing that it's likely to go for longer) she's right that her pushing has made me more aware that I need soon to be ready to deal with it.

The feelings I have which I haven't shared with her yet but which coincide with what she's said about her desires is that around the same time that she says she's come to accept her desires with Paul (a year or more ago) that it does seem to coincide with my acceptance of using condoms with her as our norm.

I suppose, in a way, it's been since the end of last year that I feel I've already ceded her pussy to him and that is what is at the root of it all; that when I pull on a condom to use with her it just feels so strange to know the truth, that her pussy is no longer mine.

I surely will need these 2 months to sort myself out about all this. She was right to bring it up and force the conversation now if she truly wants this sooner rather than later.

I admit that a part of me wants to cry at times thinking about it. As a man, I shouldn't want this but I cannot ignore that my tears are falling onto my hard cock!


I am certain that it is her that wants this experience and not Paul who is pushing (pulling) her into this. It may seem trivial but to me, it means the world knowing what it will mean as a change between us for a while, at the same time, this is something I feel she wants to do 'with me' and not do 'to me'. In that sense, I think it's something I want to do with her knowing she desires that she's shared with me.


I have wondered whether, taking sex out of the picture, Suzanna and I have grown more together, closer through all of this. I have to say that this whole adventure has been somewhat about that all along and I suppose removing sex from our relationship and enjoying and growing has become part of it.

Had I been asked 9 years ago if I could tell Suzanna that I wanted to cede sex with her to Paul (or any of the others) I would have shuddered at the thought but the reality is now that we can and do talk about everything.

Indeed, this openness between us has spilled over outside sex and the bedroom, we have no issues when talking about money, ******, her parents, our siblings, what we want to do together, vacations; anything. It has made us so much more comfortable and that is surely a change in that there's just such an ease to how we interact with each other.

Similarly, when we are together, I know I feel closer to her; that I appreciate and recognize so much more about her; her sense of humor the intoxicating smile she has when she's happy; the way her hand feels when she'll stroke my head in bed at night. They're all nothing individually, but together, they surely define us and our relationship. I think, if you didn't know about our kinkiness in the bedroom, you'd think we're a couple of newlyweds in some ways.

I don't write about what she says but she says that when she isn't thinking about sex, her feelings too have only grown for me and that she too feels contentment when, for example, we'll have a glass of wine on the deck watching the sunset. She knows and admits that I’m the only one she wants to ever share that with permanently.


I wonder if I should use these two months to start working toward 'no pussy' as a gradual pulling back so that once I get to that point, it is comfortable inasmuch it’s not abrupt. Maybe we will both enjoy the 'mind fuck' and it isn't like I am not going to interact with her and the pair of them sexually. It will just be a different sexual interaction and I figure one which will get us both turned on and get us off!

I am pretty sure that is what Suzanna has in mind for the next few months. Even if she's said that it’s something we'll decide or do together, I am sure she has a gradual decline in mind for me. I truly feel like my emotions are back on that roller coaster.

Last night as we were falling asleep and I had my hand next to Suzanna and I could feel her doze off. As she began her soft breathing I was close to tears thinking that I won't be rolling her over and making love with her as we have done for almost 30 years now.

This morning, it feels different. I can look at things more clearly and with a different light to see that it won't be that bad and I know we have other things that will replace what we are giving up. I accept it's something that we both want to experience. I admit to myself that it is something I do want to feel; not losing her but knowing that she wants parts of her to be only for him.

She asked me last night if Paul should come here tomorrow or if she should go to his place. I told her that I thought he should come here and that it's been a while since I'd seen them together.

She cautioned me that when he's here, she is going to want to be with him. She reminded me that with them only seeing each other once a week or so, "I'm always horny for him" and added that they'll likely be in the bedroom most of the time.

She thought it'd be easier if he came over after dinner tomorrow night especially as he was playing golf all day Saturday. She added with a smile that he'd already told her that he could stay later on Sunday this time. They had already had the discussion.


She is getting ready as Paul is due here in about an hour. I'm a bit on edge as a lot of this is constantly on my mind and I am sure to read or feel more this time with him being here than I think I have in the past.

Last night in bed I did ask her about 'safeguards', and the thing I was most worried about, aside from the obvious, is how we are going to know if this is going okay for both of us. It was my way of bringing it up without sounding like I'm overthinking it.

As expected, she asked me what I meant and I did have the presence of mind to tell her that, "assuming we go forward with what you want .... what if it's not working for you … " and then I emphasized, " …OR ME?"

She paused for a moment and asked me, "What do you mean, what wouldn't work?" and then told me that I should be talking to her and telling her if I’m not liking what is going on, or if it is something that is maybe 'too much' for me. She admitted that to this day she felt guilty about the time with Paul at our house when she was playful with him and she led him to chase her naked out of our room and around the house trying to tickle her. She turned to me and said, "I still feel bad about that," which, I have to say, hearing that did make me feel better.

I told her "No, I was thinking about maybe some kind of limits to just make sure things don't get out of control. Maybe we should limit things to no more than one or two nights in a row for you two.”

She was quiet for a moment and then said, "Oh.... I understand. Sure, we can have that as a rule," agreeing that it was something sensible.

I looked at her and said, " …. I didn't want to feel at all like you were moving in with him".

She giggled and said, “Hmm, I hadn't really thought about that sort of stuff …. but now that you mention it, maybe it is something we should talk about.”

My heart sank.


He’s here and I spent 20 or so minutes with them before giving them a little time alone down in the den. The TV was on when I left them but they were on the couch and they'd already been kissing, passionately when they thought I wasn't looking. My cock is rock hard right now anticipating later tonight.

It's an interesting feeling knowing I'm not going to have her tomorrow but at the same time eagerly looking forward to, hopefully, enjoying myself alongside them.

The only thing she said to me before he got here that was overtly sexually teasing was when she whispered, “You should see how it feels tonight, not expecting anything.”

She has on just a nice pair of jeans and a button-up top, but underneath it, she has on those boy-shorts kind of panties that make her butt look delicious and they give her just a tease of a camel toe. Together with a matching bra that is mostly lace and sheer on the top part, she makes for the perfect picture.

I am honestly feeling that if I am going to go along with all of this; I am going to want to be there when they are getting started, getting naked, in our bedroom later on.

Right now, I'm going to go back downstairs (being a bit noisy on the steps) so I can see if they want anything and ask if it feels okay for me to hang around with them, or whether I should be waiting till they come up to the bedroom.

For tonight, I am trying to put my fears and concerns out of my head and try to let myself enjoy things and, yes, start to see how it may feel to be with them. Part of things is to know that I'm not going to get a turn with her.


So what went on last night and how did it all go?

I suppose the best place to start is when I returned to join the two of them in the den. It was obvious that they'd been talking with me as the topic of conversation because as soon as I appeared Suzanna left the room and Paul came and said that he wanted to talk to me.

He started by saying that he thinks, "Suzanna is great, awesome, and…" Then he looked at me and said, "She's just amazing in bed." I nodded my agreement and then without pausing he said that he wanted to hear me tell him that I knew that Suzanna wanted to 'up things between them after the summer,' He said that he, "Didn't want to do something that would be without me knowing it," adding that she is the one pushing for 'more between them' but that he wanted to be sure I knew.

I didn’t answer the question straight away but asked him instead what it was that he wanted and what were his thoughts.

He said that he understood that we were into kinky stuff saying, "I know she's also said that sometimes, you know, it doesn't always work what with me being what, like a few years younger than you, well...."

It took me a minute to realize that she must have told him that as part of why she wanted more with him so I sort of played along and said, "Yeah, and I have to avoid the little blue pills because of my blood pressure."

He said, "Oh, I did wonder why."

He continued and told me that he enjoyed sex with her and, I’m guessing because he thought I had a reason to be doing what we do that he began to feel more at ease. He told me that he loved that she couldn't get pregnant and he said at several points as we talked that he loved that he could go bare with her and joked at one point that she'd ruined him for other women, something that he had mentioned previously.

I laughed before asking him what he thought he was going to be doing long-term, a few years out.

He smiled and said that he knew what I was asking and that he, " …. hoped to still be fucking her then …" but then he looked at me with a kind of question on his face and added, " … what's the odds on that?"

I told him that I thought Suzanna was showing a tendency to get more comfortable with him which made him smile. Then I asked, "What do you want?"

He looked at me and saw that I was serious. He said, "Oh.... oh man, don't be thinking I'm going to want her...." and moved closer to me calm but focused he said, " … this is all fun and all … My god, she is amazing ".

He laughed and still looking at me said, "I don't want her in any way that you should worry about. If you don't mind missing the sex with her, then man, that's all you should care about; I'll be happy to keep her happy." He paused for one more moment, "But that's all it is dude...”

I asked if she knew what he was saying to me and he said, "Yeah, I tell her all the time that we can have a blast together but that she's your wife".


I suspected (and was confirmed later) that her line of thinking was that she wanted a reason for ramping things up with him as well as something that would make him feel more okay about it. This is why she left the den and what led to him talking to me in the way he did, so it was a good thing.

Their conversation before I returned had included that their being together was a turn-on for me.

Later on, when we were all together in our bedroom she repeated that 'me knowing' they were together was something that got me hard. She joked, "We know it was one of a few things that get you turned on."

Indeed when I did get to stroking my cock while watching them, Paul did look over and say something about it 'being cool' and that he knows that, "sometimes that's what works best" with me taking a moment to realize he was referring to my hand. That remark made me feel even more horny and knowing they were both looking at me wanking I felt my climax building and, wow, cum I did, quite profusely too.

I turned away and as I went back down the stairs I heard Suzanna giggle and say something about my hand being all I was going to get!


She was right, knowing I shouldn't have expected anything from her today or later tonight. I did enjoy it last night, both times (I went back upstairs a little while later and took another look) so I'm quite well emptied tonight and she knows it.

I'll just share that when I finish down here in the den tonight I'm going to go back into our bedroom and cuddle up with my wife who will have just finished getting ready for bed. Tonight she'll sleep in my arms and if the closeness I felt earlier this evening is any indication, we'll be snuggling and making out in bed for quite a while before sleep.


She explained to me that they'd been talking about things; her wanting to be with him more and that sort of stuff. When I left them alone she told me that he started to ask 'What about Stef?'

She said that (and I knew this) she had told him that sometimes I can't get hard (which is not true) but that it wasn't that often and when he asked, she merely said that it had gotten worse at times and that I was okay with her having her fun with him.

I asked her about it yesterday after he left and she told me that she thought it would be easier for all of us if Paul had some kind of reason other than us being kinky (aka, me being the beta cuckold). I told her that I agreed that it felt better for me and all of us for her to tell him that.

I smiled as I said that and commented that Paul seemed much more comfortable now when I was in the bedroom with them. In the past as I'd said I was cautious out of consideration for him if I was masturbating but now it seemed to me that he understood that seeing him make love with my wife was something that got me hard and horny. For that, he seemed much more relaxed this time while I was there with them.

It had been a long time since I'd seen them intimate together and to be honest, I needed and wanted to see it. I knew that even before I would see them, that if she responded to him and they were really passionate and intense together, it was going to be something that would only make me want to let it happen even more so I wanted to be there and see how they were together. I did give them time together alone but I also went up to the doorway much sooner than I normally would have and I peered in through the open bedroom door and just watched ... both times.

I know she wanted him to come here after this lapse in time because of what we'd been talking about. She'd already told me that we should have the weekend to be like it will be and for me to see how I feel about it and that had meant no sex with me. I think knowing that made me appreciate watching them even more in that I was in no rush for them to move quickly for me to take my turn.

She was quite beautiful as I watched them go from standing there kissing with his hands caressing her to them lying on our bed just a few minutes later. In the past I wanted him to rip her clothes off her but this time, I wanted them to take their time and let me appreciate it.

She told me later that she didn't know I was there (I didn't believe her) so what I saw was her acting naturally with him as she would have done if she had been at his place. She teased him and I was pleased that she made him work to get her clothes undone and then strip her off.

I did wince at how well he knows her and admitted even at times that he seemed very smooth and relaxed with her as she easily met his actions with her own but after what we'd talked about beforehand and what Paul and I had talked about, I wanted to see him seduce and have her fully.


While I knew that we'd have no contact this weekend she's already told me that later this week we will have our time together.

As part of another conversation earlier this afternoon, out of nowhere she came out and said to me, "This isn't easy for me either" and she proceeded to tell me that she still enjoys sex with me enough but it's distracting from what she wants with Paul.

I asked her if that wasn't something she'd just thought up or whether it was something at play here. She looked at me and said that " … these are things that I guess I have a hard time telling you about".

In contrast, I have to say that the conversation with Paul was quite comforting as was how I felt seeing the two of them together. Seeing her share herself physically with him, I still know her and I still know there's a part that she isn't sharing with him; maybe it's the part that she would give him if she truly felt she loved him or felt strongly but I've seen her orgasm for 30 years now and me, I am going to go with what my heart says.


He left a little while ago, not before they spent another 2 hours up in the bedroom just after a late breakfast. She is outside right now doing some gardening work while I am 'doing stuff for work' and updating my journal …. which has just filled another book. Best I find a fresh one.