Book 123
*******
*******
Friday and It feels strange to walk in through the door to an empty house knowing she's not going to be there. Likewise, not sure what to do with all this free time.
Tonight, not a problem as likely I'll be heading out to a buddy's house in a bit, grabbing some dinner on the way, maybe drink some beer and watch something on TV since it's kind of rainy out. I'm sure the weather isn't putting a damper on whatever Suzanna is doing about now.
It's really just Saturday that I'll have to fill since she'll be home by sometime mid-day on Sunday. If it stops raining, maybe I'll the mow lawn: if it doesn't stop raining, then not sure but I guess I can waste some time in Home Depot.
******
Saturday: Well, the weather gods have cooperated for both of us. I am quite sure that Suzanna will be enjoying the shorts and short-sleeve top she took with her and maybe even the bathing-suit given that it's almost 80 degrees out today. For me, I'm hoping to get the lawn mowed and maybe take a nap in the sun later this afternoon.
I admit it's lonely waking up alone and I'm sure if I dwelled on that part of it, I'd be depressed today. So I’m trying to focus elsewhere while at the same time being hugely turned on at the thought of her fucking Paul most of last night and likely again this morning.
******
Sunday: It was so nice, almost a relief, when late-afternoon she came home. I knew that she would tell me when she was ready about her time away from me and, as expected, it wasn't until we went to bed that she opened up about being with Paul for the past two nights.
Suzanna was very loving and genuinely seemed to enjoy telling me about it but she was also into being very explicit with me including encouraging me to look at her when she took her clothes off.
I lay on the bed with my hard-on tenting my boxers and her naked next to me asking, telling me, "I can tell you like that I spent the last two nights with him like this."
It was very surreal as I was so horny already and at that point I wasn't sure about what she wanted. I told her that it did turn me on.
She smiled, spread her legs a little bit and teased that, "I don't think it's still that wet …. although my panties were quite wet when I took them off!"
I slid my boxers off, unsure what she was indicating but it was made clear when she said, "you can touch me and tell me what you think, if you like."
Clearly, she was telling me she was in the mood so I pulled her toward me, reached out, touched her and body felt so warm. She let me feel her breasts and moaned softly which made me feel good. When I felt her pussy, it was so warm and soft and when she spread her legs a little, my fingers slid in easily and again she moaned as, contrary to what she had said, I probed her warm wetness.
She wasn't cold emotionally at all; she was actually quite loving and wanting to be with me and as my fingers brought out her wetness her hands groped my cock and stroked me to be fully hard.
We had talked a little beforehand but now she was really getting into it and providing more details including, as I recall, her telling me how horny she was when they got there and how she, "couldn't wait to get into the motel room".
It was, as I said, a surreal moment as it just felt so incredibly arousing to be talking to her so openly like that and it felt good to be able to ask her, "How many times did you guys do it?"
Her response was to hear her giggle and say, "At least 5 times ..... but the last time was more for me!" and then for her to add, looking right at me, "He came in me each time baby... it was really nice....".
Our foreplay got more heated and it wasn't long before she was asking me, "Are you ready baby... I sure am...”
It was more rhetorical than anything as she knew I was eagerly ready. I also knew what to expect and without asking I reached out and took a condom out of the drawer in the nightstand. Her eyes were like saucers as she watched me roll it on and as I moved to push into her she looked up at me and just said, "Thank you."
My condom-covered cock slid into her and then she added, "I didn't want you to cum in me tonight."
My god did that turn me on. I know it sounded cold but it wasn't and to prove it as she said it she pulled her legs back for me and told me to enjoy it.
I told her how wonderful she felt and how horny it made me to know she'd been with him for so long and so much. She said things back to me and vice-versa that truly brought us both to a boil! She orgasmed first and when I felt her body tense, then relax and her pussy felt to me like it had opened up was when I really went at her.
I know it sounds funny to say it but it felt like an alpha-moment for me as I put her legs back and took my turn with her. She came again just after I did as I continued thrusting in her and even though she couldn’t actually feel me cum she let go and I felt her body tremble beneath me as I slowly came down myself.
*******
It was after her coming back home to me and through the week that we continue talking about this new turn of events. She seemed quite interested and wanting reassurance that I was going to be okay with her desire for me to return to using condoms with her on a more regular basis and she went on to tease me that she wasn't going to be as generous and let me have her bare for the near future.
When I asked her why she just said that with her seeing Paul less over the summer that she just felt it was right and that it was something she wanted as part of how things would be between the 3 of us. She seemed to want to hear from me that it was something I was going to be okay with and she reminded me that it was going to likely be for the summer, "maybe until September baby".
I said I would be
I didn't ask if there would be any special occasions when she might make an exception joking such 'as maybe July 4th' or, more seriously, if we were to go away for a weekend or, if maybe, the kids weren't going to be home for a weekend. I actually already knew what her answer would be and could feel that she felt serious about it. At one point she looked at me and it was obviously no joke when she asked if I'd ever considered doing it for real.
******
This discussion continued last night when she lay next to me in her night-shirt and she encouraged and watched me masturbate for her. She asked me if I remembered what she'd asked me the other night and when I said I did she asked me what I thought.
I asked her what she meant by 'real' and asked whether what we were doing wasn't real in some way.
She said that it was real but that she had been feeling that her 'allowing' me to have her bare so many times may have made it seem like something she wasn't serious about.
I told her that I was happy whenever she would 'allow me'.
She then asked me, "What if I didn't allow you?" and before I could answer she added, "What if I said no for a long time, would you still be okay... you know... not knowing when or if you ever might have sex with me without a condom?"
I asked her what the heck was going on and why she was asking this; I told her what I'd said all along, that I would defer to her about sex with me in general and that if she wanted me to use condoms, that I would do so without questioning her.
She smiled and said that she thought that maybe because she'd 'allowed me' so many times recently that maybe I'd not felt the same. My cock was already hard and she looked at it and said to me, "This turns you on talking about this doesn't it?"
I nodded.
She asked me to tell her a little about what I was feeling and I told her honestly that it really did turn me on to not cum in her. She seemed very aroused when she told me that she loved watching me cum and that she loved seeing my cum in the condom.
I may have said things I may come to regret but in the heat of the moment last night I told her that I loved the arousal and told her again how it made me feel to know I was giving something so intimate to her lover. I told her that I thought I could easily go for the summer without feeling her bare, if not longer, but added, that I would surely need to still have sex with her. I joked, " … to fill it while it's inside you as something I wasn't sure I could do without".
She squealed with delight as I told her that and she repeated what she had said before that with, "seeing Paul less, having you not cum in me makes the time with him a little more special for me".
I told her that it made me so crazy horny to hear her tell me she wanted that and wanted to enjoy it. Even with the angst of that heated discussion, my cock was still hard and drooling pre-cum that she would look at it and tell me, "I know you mean what you're saying honey and I love that you can be honest with me".
As I lay there with streaks of cum all over my chest and a big puddle on my belly she leaned over to me and said she loved me so much and loved that we could have fun like this. She then kissed me and as she played and collected my cum together she told me how sexy and erotic it made her feel to know that as she held up two fingers with a thick string of cum still connected from her fingers to my stomach, "none of this will be going inside me".
******
She didn't see Paul last night but has made plans to go see him over the weekend. It turns out that our son may be getting an internship for the summer at his school working there which would be good because it would give him a discount on his tuition for the last year. If that happens then he may not be coming home or may just be here for every other weekend. Either way, he won’t be here this weekend and with our ******** having got a summer job working at the mall on Saturdays is when Suzanna is going to take the opportunity to go see Paul.
I joked with her that he'll make time for her when he's not getting laid during the week and she punched me and told me to not be so gross.
******
I see the point that there may be no separation or ability for separation of sex and the rest of our lives together. So far, at least since my 'coming out' with my beta desires, I haven't seen or felt much change elsewhere. We still have the same approach to parenting our kids and similarly our relationship with the rest of the ******. There's been no change financially or with her expressing any different desires. However, I am aware of this as a possibility so I am watching for it or at least thinking about it.
******
I will say I am a little hesitant in that I understand what she is saying after she explained last night a bit more. One thing she did say that was a bit of a step back away from the edge was that, "it's not going to never be," meaning me having her bare. She said that she wanted to know she could feel that way and she wanted me to know again that it might be a long time.
It led to a pretty open discussion where, and this is the part that sort of makes me hesitant about what perhaps has been unleashed here, she said very clearly to me that, "It turns me on so much to deny you".
She said that she feels it's like most everything else that's happened, that when she enjoys something that turns me on for a long time that (paraphrased) that it seems like it eventually becomes something that turns her on.
She went on and said that surely I have known and seen that she loves what we do on Wednesdays and I did tell her that it has been years now that she's told me how much she likes watching me cum and, yes, she pointed out that for a long time she's also been telling me that she likes that 'it's not in her.'
I told her that it made me a little scared in a way and she giggled and said that it's not going to be forever but that it's definitely something she is feeling right now, that it really seems to turn her on when she sees my cum and she knows it's not in her. She looked at me and asked me honestly how that made me feel.
I didn't speak for a few moments while I tried to collect my thoughts. Before I could say anything she reminded me that it was me who confessed to having beta desires and how she had come to terms with that and, now, she said she genuinely enjoyed the sex with Paul and that she wanted to make it feel more real and more 'permanent' with him. Then she added that with her seeing him less this summer that, " … this made it feel more special …." which she later explained to be how she felt when trying to express that she enjoyed how things felt afterwards; how it made her feel when she was around me.
She was confusing me so I told her that I wasn't sure about the sense of permanence she was thinking and so I asked her how she felt it was going to affect us by foregoing 'that' together.
She looked at me and said that she still feels sex with me is very connecting even with the condom and that she will always feel something much more with me than with Paul. She actually said, "He could never replace you honey." adding that while she feels she does want less sex with me in general, she felt very strongly about still wanting to be with me and, yes, said, "I still need to cum with you sometimes honey, that's never going to change … that I want to feel that special connection with you and I need to feel close to you".
I actually took that moment to say, "What about if I need that?"
She looked at me and said, "I told you, if you ever feel you need to be with me honey, that I will always be there for you … that no matter what ever was going on, that if you really needed that connection, I wouldn't think twice about it." Which I took as meaning she would spread her legs for me whenever I should ask.
Thing is, I don't know how to express it but there was just no way she was lying about that; there was just no question about how she responded or how sincere she was. So I asked the big question, "What if I really needed to feel you, you know, without a condom?"
She took my hand and she said, without even a pause, "if that's what you really need honey, then it's like I said, I wouldn't ever say no". She paused for a moment and then added, " … I would just want to make sure it was what you really wanted, that's all, but if you really felt you did, then I wouldn't ever say no to you." She pulled me close and hugged me.
When she moved back from me there was a look on her face and I just had to say, "What?"
She said, almost in a whisper, "I'd just want to make sure it was what you really wanted".
There was a pause and the conversation resumed to where it was before when she said, "I meant what I'd said earlier, I'd just rather you didn't, you know....”
It wasn't awkward by any means; it was honest and that was why it was both very reassuring, that we could talk and communicate, but it was also a little scary because she said something like, "it's not what I thought I'd want or like ….. if you didn't like it so much, maybe I'd have felt differently too." She looked at me and said, "what do you think?”
There are times when we can just feel so comfortable that we can talk about anything without feeling weird or pressured and this was one of those moments because it seemed almost too easy for me to say, "Well, you know it turns me on....."
"How much?" she said.
I looked at her and told her that I felt a little scared to say it and said that I was still very much turned on by being the beta for her and while I know she would undoubtedly continue and even enjoy sex with him more, that I thought it might be something we could try.
She looked at me and said, "I want you to think about it baby and we’ll talk about it more later.”
******
Our ******** has to work during the day tomorrow and then will be going over to her boyfriend's afterwards for dinner. Our agreement for the summer is that Suzanna can arrange to see Paul whenever our ******** is working and that would be the easiest to arrange. So likely I'll have some time tomorrow.
******
She has gone off to see him for a while this afternoon, but did tell me before she left that we should, "have some time together later" so right now my little-head is telling me that maybe she's going to perhaps have sex with me more but obviously using condoms. That's where my optimistic thoughts are right now as my cock is rock hard.
The question of whether this is what I would want given her redefinition of terms and her focus on some sort of reality or permanence of things is something I have given thought to. I would be lying to myself and foolish to say other than I am sure this has been on my mind since I 'came out' with my beta desires.
******
I've been thinking about that description of 'coming out' as being when a person accepts his/herself and I have to say now that it feels really nice. I can't explain it but I do love how I am feeling now and how things feel with Suzanna. Maybe it is something that I may want to grow out of at some point but right now I am loving how I am feeling as the beta for her.
I think for me, the thing that makes me believe this about myself and makes me understand that this is honestly something that turns me on is that for as crazy as it may sound, I love that only Paul can make her cum like crazy when they're fucking after he's cum in her and, for as crazy as it sounds, it turns me on to no end that I have given that up with her and given that to him.
It's been 9 years now that I've been sorting my feelings out and I truly don't feel threatened by any of this in terms of our relationship. Perhaps that will change if Paul is replaced by someone else, but for right now, it really feels right to me to let go of the reins for a little bit so I am truly thinking of agreeing to her request.
When we talked a bit more this morning she told me that, "... what I want to feel between my legs has nothing to do with what I want to feel in my heart..." and she was very honest with me when she told me, starting last night and then this morning again, how horny she was and how she wanted to go see him.
We were sitting on the front porch with a cup of coffee and she said she wanted to feel that she could tell me how horny she was. After this 'confession' she asked me if I liked hearing and knowing that.
I gave her an honest "yes" and I think she was surprised when I added how much that I wanted her to enjoy being with him.
I truly love knowing when she is in bed with him although a part of me is genuinely concerned about what she is expressing and what it might mean. However, that sense of unease is balanced by what I feel from her when we talk openly and how, despite some points of friction at times, that she does truly want to make this good for me.
******
Yesterday when Suzanna came home there was little to no talk outside of our normal banter. I had sort of steeled myself up to talk more serious stuff but when she came in I felt and then she confirmed it, that she was going to be playful with me. So any thoughts of us having some kind of meaningful conversation were for naught.
She asked me if I was horny and when I nodded she gave me that wriggle in her finger and beckoned me to follow her upstairs.
We went straight to the bedroom and she stood there and as we kissed she said I should undress her. I was a bit surprised by this and her apparent desire for me but as I undressed her she made it clear that she was going to tease and taunt me the whole time.
She started out with saying that when the warmer weather is here she won't have to wear a bra as much and then told me that, "Paul likes that … " and then added, " … I like it when he does this too" as I had just unbuttoned her top and slid it off her arms.
Her nipples were darkened and stiff and that in my head signalled she'd enjoyed herself earlier. We kissed again as she pulled my shirt off over my head and I felt her warm body against mine. She reached into my pants as she undid them and felt that I was hard, she giggled and said, "awww, you feel very horny honey … " with that she lay back onto the bed and told me, " … take my pants off." As I started to undo the buttons she giggled and said, " … but leave my panties on".
She told me afterwards that she knew what I would see when I pulled her pants off, a big wet-spot between the legs of her panties darkening the light blue colour. She lay there and let me see her and then said as if it were nothing, " … he came in me twice baby … " and a moment later she raised her butt and said, " … now you can take them off me".
I was still staring at them and didn't move so she giggled and said, "okay, you can look for a moment longer then," and with that she spread her legs wider so I could see more of the wetness beneath the damp panties. As she saw me looking she said, "It was really nice baby …. and I came a lot with him too".
It was something she'd mentioned that I was now realizing how she'd meant it, that she wanted to talk to me more with me as the beta and that she wanted to share it with me more honestly.
I told her how incredibly sexy she was and how horny it made me feel to be laying there and to hear what she'd said.
She blushed a little bit and said, "awww, you're making this really easy" and she raised her butt again for me and told me to take her panties off.
This time I didn't hesitate and I loved how it felt to literally unwrap her; that first date feeling on steroids. Her legs were together as I slid her panties off and then as I put them down on the bed she pulled her knees back and spread her legs and said, "I know you want to see me" and as she let me look up and down her body she said to me, "It feels good to let you see me".
Her body was taut (and why wouldn’t it be in good shape as we exercise a lot) but seeing her lying there with an almost flat tummy and spreading her very toned legs her pussy just looked so deliciously beautiful.
I could tell immediately they'd been likely rough with each other as there was a rosy tone to her whole vulva area but it was how her pussy lips seemed swollen and how they glistened in the crevice between them that was really erotic. When she pulled them back further they spread apart revealing where he'd been in her and while his cum wasn't exactly running out of her, it was still obvious she was quite wet and aroused.
I know it's going to sound crazy but as she lay there coupled with the thoughts swirling around in my head; the pride that I felt seeing her and knowing how she felt so comfortable sharing it with me; knowing Paul had sex with her and came in her twice, I could have just jerked off at the sight and maybe I'd have even been satisfied by that! I think it was just amazing.
She looked up at me and broke my trance and said, "want to go down on me?”
I had no hesitation and when I started to lick at her in earnest and felt her respond without feeling her hand on my head pushing me away or asking me to do less, I relaxed and slowed down and enjoyed it even more.
She cooed as I gently licked at her swollen pussy lips and told me how nice it felt for me to be, "so gentle with me down there."
As I felt her getting more and more into it and responding with her getting wetter and wetter I looked up at one moment and told her, "I love that he was in you" just that and then I went back to licking her.
Yes, my god, she tasted like cum, very tart but very clearly cum and indeed after she came close to cumming as she thrust her pussy upwards at me, when she came down from that wave she pulled me up to her and I kissed her and when we were done she smiled and said, " … you taste like Paul".
While I wished the moment could last forever, the reality was that we both knew our ******** was going to be home soon for dinner and we didn’t really have much time.
It's a moment that I will want to talk with her more about; why she needs to feel this almost declaration when, without even thinking about it yesterday as I pulled away from her kiss, she reached down and felt my hard cock. She stroked it and rubbed the pre-cum all around the head and I don't even think she realized what I was doing as I leaned over and then, before she knew it, I was rolling a condom on.
The smile on her face was just priceless. She felt it with her hand first and then arched her back to look better at me and between her legs and when she saw my cock inside the condom even I could tell how she felt as she lay back and, I swear, her pussy looked even wetter than just a moment earlier.
I put a little lube on the condom and as I pushed gently into her she pulled her legs back and then put them around my back and all she said as she felt me fill her was, "thank you honey."
She was soooo wet the further in I pushed and then pulled back that even she began to moan at the slick feelings. We were really getting into a good rhythm and she was definitely into it and when she felt me start to really throb she looked up at me and said, "it just feels right to me baby".
It was sort of out of the blue but it was so electric hearing it at that moment that I know she felt my response because she moaned deeply a moment later when I pushed firmly back into her.
I couldn't really say anything to her but I'll say here that the feelings I had as we fucked yesterday were even more intense than I'd felt with her on that first New Years Eve when we agreed to try this out. Yes, it scared me deeply that this might be all I'll feel with her in the future, how warm and wet and welcoming she felt, but at the same time I knew I couldn't feel it all.
Silently I had to agree with her; It did feel right and still does feel right to me as a few moments later she heard and felt me grunt and thrust crazily into her. She said afterwards even through the condom she could feel me cumming and how hot it felt.
When I'd exhausted myself and still inside her sort of collapsed against her she held me tight and once again said, "thank you."
I pushed myself up on my elbows and kissed her and said, "It’s so weird that it feels so good" as I pushed up to my knees and my now softened cock slipped out of her.
She immediately sat up and reached to slide the condom off my cock and she held it up and closed her eyes for a moment and she whispered, "it's sooooo warm!" and then she held it up for us both to see. I was kind of speechless for the moment still a little breathless but not her, she was all excited and said, "see, that works for both of us, doesn't it?"
All I could say was, "yeah, I guess".
While I lay there she got up off the bed and went into the bathroom and came back with a wet wash cloth that she blotted against her pussy and said, "I guess that's all from me" and then she leaned over and surprised the heck out of me by sucking my softened cock into her mouth and licking it clean.
She smiled as she sucked her mouth loudly off my limp cock and she giggled and said, "That was really nice honey" and as I move up onto my elbows to sit up she wiped off my stomach and my groin before coming and sitting up next to me.
As I leaned onto one arm she kissed me and then once again held the condom up and told me, "THIS.... This really turns me on baby" and then leaning over she kissed me passionately before sliding off the bed
She got up and let me watch as she pulled on a clean pair of panties, put her bra back on and then pulled on a pair of jeans and a loose top. I sat there naked the whole time and she giggled and said, "you're not getting horny again are you?" pointing to my cock which had grown a bit in size.
I looked at her and said, "What? .... no, I was just watching you..." which brought a huge smile and a knowing look to her face.
She kissed me and then said, "Get dressed so we can have some dinner cooking and not eat so late when our little girl comes home".
And that was it.
******
It’s hard to focus on work right now as my brain has been running non-stop and my cock has been equally aroused as my mind keeps going back to what we said to each other.
It hasn't been easy for me to think like this and, I admit it, there are times that it scares me. At other times (most of the time actually!) it just feels right. The more I think about it and the more we talk about it, the more I seem to realize and understand.
I truly do believe I know what a gay person must feel in terms of exposing themselves, 'Coming Out' and understanding themselves that what they desire and are aroused and fulfilled by may be different than others. For me, I don't know that I realized it at the time, maybe I did. I don't know why but it seems to be the destiny given what I seem to look back on and feel myself desiring even from before she began with other guys.
It's not to say that I don't really enjoy looking back and enjoying the sex and even the alpha-ness and aggression I used to feel the need for, but that is really the definition of what I now feel. Maybe it's my mental response to a lowering of my overall sexual horniness (aka testosterone) to make it that I can enjoy it this way and not feel what might be if I was still (wanting to) perform multiple nights in a row during the week.
I can't make it up, it's 1000% true (if that was statically possible!) that I truly do love the beta position right now. I find it incredibly arousing and, yes, sometimes the thought of it being real or permanent is so incredible to feel and find myself wanting.
What I need, I think, is to feel more secure with Suzanna in terms of what it is she wants versus what or whether Paul is wanting any of this and pushing her in that direction. I don't believe he is, he surely wasn't part of last night.
******
I think what I also want and need to feel more secure about is how she will be if/when Paul moves on (as will inevitably happen). What are her thoughts then?
Then there is the 'pink-elephant in the room', her continued reassurance that should I want or need her physically, that she would be there for me. I think no matter what, I will always need to hear that reassurance from her although I will likely never have to say I have the need.
As time goes by it's scary in seeing myself and understanding what I am really saying about myself. I don't really view myself as a sub at all though, I don't feel that way, but beta is truly the definition that fits me.
Maybe it is just as simple that Suzanna has become, symbolically, that hooker in the frat-house from my youth. I don't know but in many ways she is and has been right when she's asked me why I seem to be fighting this at times.
It scares me that it turns me on as it does. Not just from a sexual 'pump my cum into her' perspective but from something much deeper. Crazy as it sounds, it gives me the most intense satisfaction. I think perhaps my conflict is that maybe I want to enjoy that satisfaction, but maybe it's somehow my own belief somehow that I still need to be able to make her cum and more that subconsciously I can't give up.
That’s a new thought but perhaps that's it, why I seem to fight it at times instead of saying what I feel I am now coming to terms with, that I do want to truly be the beta for her and that I'm reluctant to give up the ability to bring her to that intense orgasm.
It's scary to think my brain may be working that way because at the same time I have no issues stating here or to her, even to Paul, that I do enjoy knowing he is the main one to give that to her and that I enjoy knowing it.
Too much of self-introspection right now. Let me tuck my cock back in my pants and get back to work.
******
I still feel conflicted at times telling myself 'how can this be what I want or enjoy?' but then there is the reality of how I respond every time and how much I want it at times.
I think the thing that makes it both more difficult and easier at the same time for me is that Suzanna knows how I feel and that I both want her to know and yet I don't want her to know! (Does that sound right?).
I know that doesn’t make much sense but I guess a part of me still feels it's somehow not a masculine, 'macho' thing, to enjoy what I do even though we are both so far past that point of being regarded as sensible.
What is eerie and yet comforting at the same time is to witness her arousal at what turns me on. She's pointed out that has been the way it has been since the beginning; she even giggled and told me that is where I am still the alpha in a sense. While I didn't ask, it did make me feel that if this stopped doing what it does for me, that perhaps she may also feel differently? So I guess I truly am a cuckold in the purist sense.
I feel conflicted at times wanting something that would seem to be something most guys would want to avoid. I've been thinking now that it’s been 9 years now that she's been enjoying other guys.
What's eerie is that represents almost a third of our marriage life now and that as each day passes, that percentage will only increase. What it also makes me feel is that I obviously want and enjoy it, so maybe she is right; why do I fight it?
I admit to her that I love the feeling of being the beta for her. I don't fully understand it but I do love it when she feels that itch she wants Paul to scratch. I don't like or want her to fall for him any more than she has and I don't feel threatened by that, at least not with Paul and not right now.
I do love how it feels to make love with her and know the whole time that I am committed to using a condom. There is something that just touches me in a way that makes me want this even more.
I still have my questions and still haven't told her yes or no to the reality/permanence question. Perhaps I’ll give my answer later this week; just not tonight.
******
Too many things to think about and, anyway, that’s another book filled so a good time to stop and dig out a new one.
******
