Why i have to be such a pervert?

[Stella1976]

I tend to target these women.These days my target of choice is this 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. My character Stella is based on this woman. She has very large massive breasts and she does have a big butt. She has has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old ********. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up. She moved here in my area with her ****** 14 months ago.
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Nine weeks ago ago i joined this all-female group with a specific focus because this touchable woman is there. Three times a week after work I attend this group meetings that focuses on developing self-awareness, self-confidence and self-efficacy for women to improve their professional and personal lives. Most of other women group attendees seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other women , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. Also this woman is kinda dumb. Sometimes she says some really stupid/ignorant things. Her geography is extremely bad. If somebody asked her if Australia was in southern or northern hemisphere she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about politics or the ongoing affairs of the world and thinks history is boring. To be honest the reasons I'm drawn to her are her looks and her clothes. Also she is upper middle class,stuck up snob. She is completely stuck up, spoiled and arrogant. She's a deeply unhappy woman and the only way she can feel better about herself is by feeling 'superior' to others. .

After my third meeting i couldn't resist and i started rubbing her back with with my both hands while she was standing as i was standing behind her. I said to her "Your back is so sore"((that was just an excuse to touch her since she is always dressed in satin and silk clothes). She said that community center is on her work to home route and that she attends our group meetings straight from work and that she is always exhausted. On the next group meeting i sat on the chair behind her and began rubbing her back. Then i began furthering my reach and casually brushed across her rib cage/side boob. Then i did it again and left my hand there and leaned in to whisper something. I kept rubbing her back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else to her. And that happened a few times.I began fully brushing the sides of her massive breasts.While i was standing talking my hands were resting on her shoulders.My hands were practically constantly on her during the meeting.

After the meeting she was very flustered as we were leaving on the parking lot she pulled me aside and she said to me gently “I’m sorry, I have a thing with personal space.”She explained to me that it is making her uncomfortable that she understand that i am friendly and tactile but she feels a little uncomfortable when i touch her. She said that she is straight and that she never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. I said to her that she is mis-reading the creep factor. I LIED to her that i am an amateur healing touch therapist. I even suggested to her body/energy work. She AGREED.

Since then i "work" on freeing up energy in her body which is sort of like a very gentle massage while she is standing, usually after the meetings.This has now turned into a regular thing. Also during the meetings i always sit behind her and rub her shoulders and back. I manipulated this woman. She is standing stiff as a board while i am "freeing energy in her body". I have full access to her body. My face is exactly the level of her breasts. I place my hands on her massive soft breasts and move them in a circular motion while i am facing her. Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. Often when my hands are rubbing her through her satin and silk clothes i get groinal responses..I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of this woman. I didn't think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with.

This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. She says that touch has incredible healing power. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. And this woman is physically stronger than me . She is 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.I am masculine but i am 5ft2 tall and skinny.She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes.Standing next to me she looks like a giant.I am physically completely harmless. But i manipulated this woman into letting me touch her.


This touchable woman is always looking forward to the " healing touch releasing body energy massage session" which is sort of like a very gentle massage while she is standing usually after the meetings(during the meetings i always sit behind her and rub her shoulders and back) . She doesn't talk much but i draw her into a little conversation at the end and ask her if there was anything in the "session" that she considered especially helpful or enjoyable, and if the session was something that worked for her or not. She says that after every "session" she is is both delighted and relaxed. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. I am very into rubbing her back with my left hand while i am rubbing with my right hand her whole front side concentrating on her massive soft squishy tits while she is standing stiff as a board not saying a word. Also i "massage" her back, arms, legs and her big ass(i focus a large amount of time on her ass).

With this touchable always dressed in silk and satin woman is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her "freeing energy in her body" for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. ( I can't keep my hands off of her). I don’t know what to do. It is all my fault. I want to stop this. But i just can't. She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing her. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her and her shiny clothes.She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can't stop touching this woman. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some.
She is standing stiff as a board while i am "freeing energy in her body". I am a horrible person. Am i evil, manipulative, selfish person? I have these thoughts all the time. Am I an irredeemable monster for what i am doing to this woman? I'm a fool who can't control myself. I'm just so upset with myself. Not sure what I can really do? I just hate myself. My concern is that I am a bad person and a sexual predator for "freeing energy in her body" touching,rubbing and groping this woman. And my selfishness leaves me disgusted with myself. I despise what I'm becoming. .

I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to touch her. The cravings for touching her are becoming more intense. I am very attracted to her but only in a sexual way. It's gotten so bad I've raced home after work to masterbate thinking about her. I targeted this woman 14 months ago. I started attending these group meetings because of her. I want to distance myself from this woman but i just can't.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. I know that I shouldn't do it but it is difficult to resist the urge to touch her.It's getting out of control.
I don't know what to do.I have quite a big problem.I need to get my things in order. I feel like smashing my head against a wall sometimes I just can't stop thinking.

I manipulated this woman into letting me touch her. i "work" on freeing up energy in her body. I know this sounds weird and outrageous. I am a horrible person. I am a bad person. The worst part is I see myself as the victim here. How do I stop this? How do I see myself for what I really am? Am I just an evil person? I want to stop touching her and rubbing her but feel like I can’t.I am drawn to her. I am short skinny and ugly.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of this woman. I didn’t think much of it at first. Also she is always dressed in satin an silk clothes which doesn't help the situation.But she never wears anything trashy. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She has a more stylish sense of fashion but she keeps herself well covered. She is not particularly fond of wearing revealing clothes. She prefers to wear covered, yet form fitting fashionable clothes. What's happening to me?

I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste your time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me? I am taking advantage of her and i am afraid that i will just go even further. I came here on this forum with the hope that I would find someone to help me with advice. I wish I can find someone who can understand what I'm going through or maybe someone who's going through what I am so we can help eachother. I think this touchable woman has not noticed I desire her sexually. I am really good at pretending. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. This touchable woman is 100% straight. She would never want to kiss a woman. She is very sexually attracted to men. She is literally 100% straight. I hate being turned on by rubbing and touching her through her satin and silk clothes and I can't seem to stop myself! I promise myself "I swear this is the last time!!" only to go on the next group meeting and do it again. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her "work" on freeing up energy in her body for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. It is all my fault.

 

[Stella1976]

Wether your self description sound as you'd not look pretty, nor is your fetish something moraly wrong: I wished, you had moraly wrong fantasies as I have. :- )

Thanks so much for your reply. I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. And I feel so guilty. I am a 53year old woman and have had this fetish since i was around 16-17. This is how its been for as long as i can remember. I gravitate toward tall curvy women dressed in silk or satin like fruit fly on a banana. Usually i approach random women dressed in silk or satin seemingly perplexed, and rub their backs or arms the same way someone might pat a pregnant lady's belly.
The reality is deep inside I know that i am hideous looking , every time I walk past a mirror I feel a pang in my heart as I'm reminded what everyone else is looking at . Being an ugly short skinny masculine ginger soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life .

To be honest, I'm overly excited by big boobs like a lot of straight men seem to be? Also there's something about a nice looking butt that gives me an eyegasm...of course, I like to look at cleavage too. My eyes go to the butt first, but maybe that's because it's easier to look at since the other person isn't facing you as you check their butt out? I loooove the female physique. And I love massive boobs. To the point where I stare at them on strangers, or go for people because they have nice big boobs. Small breasts don't really do it for me. I'm about 5'2", and when I'm out and about and look around myself on a typical day, most people seem well and truly taller than me (including women). I feel a kind of resentment, over having been born this height, identifying as a lesbian and being attracted to women, none of which I regard as my choice. I also feel envious of tall butch lesbians. When I was a teenager, the other girls were into boys. But me... I was always left out, and terrified. I already felt like a monster at age 11 or 12 or so when I first started going through puberty. Because I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and attracted to what they are.

Why am I like this? Why? My other problem is that all the women i gotten far with were not my physical type. My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive. I'm really ugly. My face is full of horrible features and I am short and very skinny. My face ... I gave a lot of bad luck. It's just ugly. It's sad to know that I'll never look good in photos and videos (that's why I don't like to appear in these things), and worse, that I'll never get a beautiful girlfriend. Yeah, I know it's probably a selfish thought, but one thing I've always wanted to have, is a beautiful girlfriend, and hasn't anything wrong with that..

What are your fantasies?

 

[Stella1976]

Dear Lady, let us decide about this, please:
"I'm really ugly. My face is full of horrible features and I am short and very skinny. My face ... I gave a lot of bad luck. It's just ugly. It's sad to know that I'll never look good in photos and videos"
I do not believe yaou. For women it is all a question of make up, style, expression and hair dress.
I knew a bunch of girls who would habe been happy to get to know a Lady or a girl like yourself, who craved for it, let themselves touched by you being pregnant or not. Well, most would like to soil you too - but nothing of this makes anybody a momnster.
My fantasies? My comments and my videos and fotos speaks for themselves.

All right, you wont show your "ugly self" publicly. I know, see and understand. Send it to me privatelly, please, at gerwinangain@protonmail.com. I will tell you honestly what I think, and of course I'd not share the picture with anybody. Best was an foto of todays and a very old one.
(You could get mine too this way, but I don't think that it would interest you.)
Hugs, Gerwin

I personally believe that i wouldn't be perverted if i didn't look that bad...because i like life but i can't enjoy it because of this...and i just can't do anything about it...and this makes me perverted and predatory because i only know that i have one life...but still can't find any happiness. There are certain things that I as a lesbian woman have to think about, face up to, confront, suffer, that heterosexual people can live with as some kind of privilege and take for granted. Being an ugly short skinny masculine ginger soft butch lesbian just leads you to a viscous circle which if your lucky enough will break one day but otherwise you will be in a dark pit for a lot of your life . I prefer more masculine clothing. I'm a little too butch but i I consider my self chapstick, I NEVER wear makeup. I have mid length hair, but for a long time I had really short hair.I’m flat chested, I’m not the most gifted in that area.
I wear men,,masc, unisex clothes and shoes and the only thing I get in the women’s sections of stores are bras.

I’ve noticed in some convos I had with friends that they don’t really consider me butch. They call me a soft butch or andro or just some neutral zone where I’m neither masculine or femme. but it also makes me feel insecure about my identity as a moc person.

I have a higher voice. I don’t carry myself as “masculine” and it seems that I look more masculine than I actually am. I went on a date with one femme lesbian woman a while back and she ended up not being into me because she thought I was going to be “more butch” and was disappointed. It really sucked. Every now and then, men will harass me, I guess, because they think I’m a short skinny ugly effeminate man. It’s not too scary because as long as I ignore it and don’t make eye contact, nothing bad happens. But why do they have to make comments at all? Just let me walk down the street in peace. In the past I have scared women away for acting weird. Since around high school attractive tall curvy feminine females have been very uncomfortable around me. I also think that this is hurting me in nearly all aspects of my life. I am a 53year old woman. Is it too late for me to change? I think what's happening here is that I still find it difficult to be normal around women i like. I have a thing about women's bodies and the way they display their curves with the satin or silk clothes they wear. Nothing unusual in that I hear you say but to me it is. Once I see the right package of body and clothing my urges are almost uncontrollable as I go all out to get my hands on the woman in question. These women my "victims" are physically stronger than me.I am masculine but i am 5ft2 tall and skinny. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, ginger woman.Standing next to these women i look like a midget. I am physically completely harmless. Am I just making excuses to justify my urges? I don't really know for sure .


I actually get a buzz out of the adrenaline surge as the excitement of contact grows. I didn’t choose to be this way but I would never say its just like someone being heterosexual or homosexual. I hate myself for being a pervert. It first showed up when I was 17. I was regularly hugging and touching this woman who was often wearing satin blouses friend of my mother 's when I was 17. I've not really thought to much into this in the past, and passed it off as a phase that i might grow out of, and otherwise ignored it. Its not like i spend my life wondering around thinking about it. Its so morally wrong, and truly revolting, yet I can't help the way if feel. just needed to get this out of my head. I've never really thought about it compared to how people are supposed to think, and just accepted it as something that didn't matter. It obviously it does...Is it too late for me to change?