Journal of a Journey - Book #139

I've felt all along that Suzanna has an 'end date' in mind as she has continued to say that when Spring gets here that we're going to take a harder look at things. There's been other times she's said 'after things with Paul' and last night she seemed to share more of the way she is thinking when her comments had a 'well you asked for it' type of tone to them.

She said, "I hope you were serious about wanting to see me with Paul as you say you are!" and then proceeded to tell me that now that we're hardening up our ski-trip dates that she, as I've shared, wants to 'be his' all of both ski-weekends away. So perhaps she is also adopting an in-your-face attitude regarding pushing me.

The thing I can't shake and continue to feel is that she is still motivated, maybe even strongly, by my desires and my wavering back and forth. When I open up to her about wanting to feel more of this type of denial, she seems to push back with the 'okay, I hope you know what you asked for' type of reply. At other times when I speak less certainly about what I'm looking to feel then she changes her tone too.

What I do know is that I am quite horny and, strangely, almost elated at having been made to wait for her so far. She's thanked me several times for what she considered a part of my holiday present for her, namely her sneaking off last week to be with him. She's already said that she can't wait for later tonight.

Both of our kids are now away for the rest of the weekend and she's already teased me that, "I’m already kind of wet down there".

That I'm going to see and hopefully be a part of their fun later is so much what I want and I'll say that I need to see tonight.

I know that after seeing them tonight that I'm going to feel more and more as I did when I was away on my business trip. Indeed I can already feel the need building inside that I am going to very likely 'need' to have sex with her soon. Perhaps this is what we both need, to push ourselves and for her to deny me until this need grows to be uncontrollable.


It is really, really nice to feel that need in me; to want her physically. So when I write about what I'd like for the future, I know that it's far from predictable given I never would have thought I would have these feelings and desires that I presently have. (Does that make sense?)

Maybe that's our equilibrium, our fit with things. I think experience, if it continues through the next few months, will likely be that this 'every 2-3 month' schedule for us is perhaps what works best. It does sound weird to say that we're only looking at having sex maybe 4-6 times this whole year, but if that's what makes it good for us, what keeps my arousal at the edge where I seem to want and need it, then maybe that's what it becomes.

All I know is that I am truly excited to give up or not sure if the word 'sacrifice' is correct, but I do want to experience tonight where I simply do not have sex with her while she does with Paul.

For 30 years (give or take a few here and there) we have rung in the New Year by having sex together. For whatever reason, it feels good to know that this year will be different and that she'll be enjoying the New Year beginning with him this time.


Paul did spend a good part of New Years Eve and New Years Day with us and I have to say that if I thought I'd seen them being sexual before, then they must have turned it up a bit for this weekend. The main thing I saw much more of was Suzanna getting quite pleasantly ***** on New Year’s Eve which surely added to it by relaxing her inhibitions even more. The thing that I saw (and heard) several times was Paul fucking her and getting her to cum and then pulling out of her and, by the time midnight was upon us, her eagerly wanting him more and more.

I cannot explain how intense seeing that was at one extreme and the other being that it made me feel on top of the world that when the ball dropped and the new year arrived, that she immediately turned to me, kissed me passionately and very intimately and whispered she loved me and then said thank you. We kissed once more before she turned back to him and gave him a New Years kiss.

We all toasted the new year with champagne which, in addition to a little of the funny-tobacco Paul had brought along, had rendered Suzanna incredibly horny. Both the bubbles and alcohol loosened her tongue, she was a bit more vocal than usual and she teased me to, "come closer and watch."

She started to caress him but then she pushed him off and said, "I want you upstairs" and motioned for him to follow her. As she walked away she turned back towards me and opened her robe and showed me her lingerie and said something about 'coming up and seeing it up close'. She had obviously changed when my attention had been elsewhere and now she looked incredibly hot in just a very skimpy lacy top and barely-there panties. As Paul followed her she said out loud, "come on baby, this is what you wanted" and she turned and went upstairs.

I followed them and Paul was significantly more candid with me including asking me if I could see OK several times. When she was lying there naked before he entered her for what I figured was going to be the last time she spread her legs and looked at me and said something like, "I think I'm ready" (at least that's what my brain heard) but it was what I saw that really got to me.

They'd been fucking a lot since he got there and the word 'open' is but one word to describe how her pussy looked. She pulled one knee back just a little and rubbed her finger down there and I could see into her vagina ('gaping' is another word!) but it didn't look gross or anything like that, no, it just looked beautiful. With just that one momentary glance at her pussy, I knew exactly how she must have felt and that little bit of resistance to push into her was clearly gone. I didn't even realize it until I looked up at her and saw her smiling at me that I was aware I was not just also smiling, but my cock was hard too.

She put her hand out as Paul moved in between her legs and he just seemed so comfortable pushing her other knee back and sort of spitting on his hand and then lubing up his cock. He smiled at me when I looked up at him and she giggled and said something about, "... I'm already wet enough ..." which just set me off. She put her hand out to reach for mine and I felt her hold my hand tightly as she moaned and I watched him enter her again.

I cannot find the words to describe how it felt to see him fuck her. My own cock was hard and I slid my boxers down and slowly began to masturbate and have my own fun. Seeing the champagne glasses and hearing people in the distance setting off fireworks, I know it sounds crazy but I loved seeing him pull out of her almost all the way just as I looked back at the bed.

He smiled at me and he said something like 'she was right' which at first I didn't understand until he pushed all the way into her and then I realized he meant that she WAS wet enough.

The thing was I loved watching him and he was very cool about it. She was thrashing about and even he knew the alcohol had her even more worked up than usual but she was loving it, neither of us doubted that, and all I could do was smile and tell him something stupid like, "she likes you doing her".

Yes, I did miss it being me in her and making her scream and moan and have her own fireworks but at the same time, it was just amazing to let her go like that. She had long let go of my hand and now her hands were going from pulling him close at one point around his back to her pushing him away with her arms outstretched as she was thrusting herself upwards at him. She orgasmed several times before it was him who turned to me and said (or rather moaned), ".... mmm..... not long now". I know he was saying it to both of us and I suspect for my benefit but at the same time it was erotic hearing him announce it.

Yes, I did watch. Yes, I wanted to and I would even say I had to. I honestly loved (and still do; I am hard again thinking about it again) seeing him arch his back and push into her deep and stay there and yet in my mind I could still almost feel him pushing into her. Even right now I'm rock hard thinking of his cock in her so deep and his cum once again filling her like that.


So, here's the funky part.

I spent part of the night with them again. She was out like a light not long after cumming one last huge time with him and spewing out all sorts of 4-letter words. The last of the champagne had hit her and she was slurring her words a bit as she hugged me and kissed me good night before again, turning towards him and pulling him closer as she pulled the covers up.

Lying there next to them, it started to get to me so I slipped off the bed and went to my own room.

I wasn't sure how I felt at the time but the next morning, Sunday, the first thing I heard was them going at it, and that's when I started to feel it more sharply. I opened their bedroom door a bit and could see they were barely awake but he was already in her. I looked closer and saw she was rubbing herself while he was spooned from behind her and obviously fucking her. I was concerned at first but then I could hear the slick squishing sound and I realized she was quite wet.

It wasn't even then that got to me. No, it was him going at her one last time before he left on Sunday that finally did it. (I was amazed that he could cum yet another time but then I realized he'd only cum once the night before.)

I wasn't sure if he was leaving soon or not so I left them alone for a little while. Sure enough I heard noises in the bathroom and I assumed they were in there together. I realized I was mistaken when Paul came out of the bedroom fully dressed alone. He came down and we talked for a bit more when he told me that he'd had a great time and that he hoped I was okay about everything. (As I said, we're able to talk a little more openly) and I told him I was happy he'd gotten to spend the new year with us. And then he was gone,

No, the real change was when I went back up to the bedroom and she was still lying there half under the covers not exactly ignoring me but clearly not really thinking much about me either. I don't know what I was thinking but I knelt next to her on the bed and I pushed the blankets down to just reveal her nipples and I started to gently play with them. I wasn't sure how she would react but I knew she wasn't saying no and I loved feeling her nipples feeling swollen and hearing her moan softly as I gently pinched them.

But, as I said, the real change was when I pushed the blankets down further. I don't know if she realized what she was doing but as her stomach and then hips and then her pussy, thighs and then her legs came into view, my hands followed along. When I got to her hips, I think it was instinctive, she spread her legs.

At that moment, I got to see my wife's used body. Mainly her used pussy, swollen, dark pink on the outside but where she was still spread open, crimson red within and a thin shine of wetness. I can say that I felt very much as I felt when I was away that week, that I truly needed to feel her and I told her so, I told her that I couldn't take it and that I had to have her.

She opened her eyes wide and asked me, "are you sure?"

I just simply said 'yes' and to my surprise she said, "okay". A moment later she pulled her legs fully back for me.

I reached immediately for a condom and she smiled as I rolled it into place and she teased, "... it feels 'used' baby.... " (referring to her pussy) and as I entered her I had to agree, she did feel used, but I can only say that for a moment at the beginning I also felt the alpha-male return for a bit, which was amazing to feel with her as she did cum very easily. I can also say that once I felt her body respond and I heard her murmur that she loved me, the physical turned to emotional for sure and I know that I very much enjoyed making love with my wife.

So, we didn't wait for tonight as planned, instead we talked most of today and I told her that if they behave like this on the ski trips, that I am likely going to feel the same way. I told her that it was awesome to feel that desire for her.

'Happy New Year'; Gotta get some sleep now, she's probably dozed off by now!


I'll share my own surprise which has been that I couldn't and didn't want to wait till Monday to have her. For me, it was nice to feel that and know that there are apparently some limits, some points that I am pushed, for me to respond in a non-beta way and it is surely going to lead me to question her about our ski-weekends and my newfound desire and need to have her afterwards; not likely to be able to wait after both weekends with a month in-between. So, for me, this new years has revealed that while I thoroughly enjoy the beta status, that I still have some desires in there!

I do know that while she enjoyed the sex with me, that it was mainly more-for me and my enjoyment than hers. In the larger scheme of things this is more like a grain of sand compared to a whole beach, but it does remain a physical connection between us, despite the infrequency.

I took her question of 'are you sure?' to be more of asking me to re-confirm my desire and need rose to the level of deviating from what we'd talked about even with the knowledge I had of how she was likely to have felt. I also felt that she asked because given the choice, she would have preferred me to have waited as we had previously agreed, although I admit to being incredibly aroused at how she felt after having been with him that much (I think she also may have preferred to have had a bit less of a hangover, maybe!)


I am honestly not sure how I am feeling. I mean if I cannot tolerate being denied after the way I anticipate her being, then it will likely be more than just 6 or so times this year. Honestly, I'm unsure about that as a part of me truly wanted to be denied and, yet, I also know how I felt and what I needed.

So, now I'm unclear about just what direction things are going.

What I do know is that it remains an ever-changing adventure as I think we are both still learning a lot about what we each want and need.


I'm not sure where to begin other than to say that I am troubled right now about what is going on. No, I do not feel I'm losing her or anything like that but in the time since I last wrote, several things have happened. I'm not even sure how to recap them of when they started but in the absence of sex with her leading up to going away skiing this past weekend, I began to feel that same desire I'd felt before when I was away; that I needed her physically.

It led to a bit of a row between us where she put it pretty bluntly to me that the longer I go without cumming in her, that while it gives me some feeling of fulfilment, that she says it isn't doing much for her (compared to how she feels with Paul) and that she wanted to know if I wanted to continue being the beta for her.

I told her that I wasn't sure and she started to grow more annoyed and more vocal about me wanting to decide one way or another but that I needed to know that she was 'approaching a point where we may not be able to go back from' and asked me once more if I was going to be happy with possibly not cumming in her again, ever.

I told her that I wasn't sure about that and she sort of got on her high-horse and over the past week she's been telling me that she was going to 'make sure' that I knew what I wanted by the time ski-season was over. I didn't understand what she was intimating so she reiterated that she was 'going to be his' all weekend and that after our two planned ' …. and whatever unplanned trips occur' …. that will be when she will be at her tipping point and, " … you will need to decide".


She saw Paul a few times up to Friday the 13th but then didn't see him that weekend; instead she continued talking to me. She admitted that she was feeling more for him and she says she's talked about it with him. He said he was concerned and wanted to do the right thing for us two; what she said next and followed through on has left me seriously questioning things.

To put it simply, Paul has agreed to go along with what she said she would do. She said she had to convince him about she wanted him to do when we were away and that he was reluctant until, "I told him I want to show you what you will be missing".

Putting it simply, as she said to me, "if you still want to be my little-beta after you see me with him, that I'm going to take things much more seriously; I'm just warning you!"

Well, her warning was very prescient as even on the ride up to Vermont on Friday afternoon she told me that once he arrived, that she was going to be his 'fully and totally' and that unlike last year, she isn't going to be with me during the day … or the nights. She reached over and felt that my cock was hard and she giggled and said, "let me see how horny you are on the way home on Sunday baby...." and laughed.

She reminded me that it's now been over 2 years and that should be long enough for me to know how I feel and what I want. I told her it wasn't that easy and she told me that, " … it sure seemed easy for you to tell me you wanted me to look to Paul for what I wanted!"

For most of the ride up she told me in no uncertain terms that she is reaching the point of where she wanted to have a final decision from me so she can let things develop more with Paul.

When I questioned 'why', she told me that if I wanted to continue, that I needed to understand that, 'the things she's tried to keep away', feeling emotionally for him are becoming more and more difficult to resist. That led her to say that if I decided I 'needed' to continue using condoms with her, that it was going to change how she felt about sex with me too.

She said, as if I didn't know it that, "I need to feel that cum in me, it's part of what makes sex good for me" and she admitted that while she orgasms with me and can cum with me, that, "barely feeling it from you for over 2 years now" has made her truly want it with him and, yes, to the point where it's not that important if she doesn't feel me in her.

She said it wasn't going to affect things outside sex but I know that she said that for my benefit and that she is warning me that we're approaching some decisions that as she's said before, are going to be hard to undo.


That said, she held true to her word, and from the moment he arrived later on Friday afternoon, she truly was his. God did it hurt.

All of her talk (she knew what she was doing) had gotten me turned on and horny. From the huge kiss when he arrived to their quick tryst in the bedroom before we went to dinner, I knew that there wasn't going to be much I could do other than watch and wait.

The first thing they did was go into the bedroom and fuck while I waited in the other room to go to dinner. She hadn't seen him all week and I knew I was in for a long weekend of teasing by how she cried out, "fuck me" and after just a few minutes her moaning out loud, " … oh god... yes, yes, yes.... cum in me, oh god....".

He hadn’t been there for more than 30 minutes before they closed the door and it wasn't more than 15 minutes till I heard her cry out. My cock was so hard as I heard him grunting and then cumming himself. A few minutes went by and I could hear the sounds of them showering together and again, another 30 minutes went by before they both came out and said matter-of-factly that we should get going to dinner.

We were close enough to walk to the restaurant as it was pretty warm out by Vermont standards. I got really angsty as they walked ahead of me holding hands and talking while I took up the rear.

Throughout dinner they pretty much ignored me and, as if the weekend didn't start out already, after dinner they told me I could go back whenever I wanted as the two of them were going to the bar down the street and do drinks and dancing. I couldn't let them go alone so I tagged along and tortured myself watching them dancing and being with each other.

I don't have time to detail the rest of the weekend, suffice to say that I am seriously considering relenting my beta-status with her. After seeing her with him this weekend, I've told her that it's more than I can stand in some ways to not have her again.

She says she understands, then told me that I'm still going to have to wait another few weeks until after we go back skiing again before she'll let me have sex with her.

"You can use your right hand all you want till then," is how she left it.


I can say that I am questioning my desires very strongly right now. Seeing them together after they came back that first night was something new in how animated and vocal she was with him. I understood her at that moment; that she was going to treat me like a puppy and rub my face in it, so to speak.

I went back to the condo before them and as I walked back it started to really get to me, that she was dancing with him and they were going to come back and fuck again. I looked in their bedroom and saw her clothes from earlier lying on the floor where she'd taken them off. I could almost smell the sex in the air and knowing the bed was messed up from them fucking was incredibly arousing and yet at the same time, I continued to feel this desire for her building in me again.

Yes, she fucked him when they got back. She was pretty buzzed, somehow she'd managed to sneak a drink out of the bar and finish hers on the walk back, and it was the first time that I felt that she was really past the point where I was comfortable. Just how she acted with him and how I knew she was doing it because she wanted to … and because she wanted to push me.

Watching them fuck was a lot more intense and yes, I certainly jerked off watching that second time. She looked over at me and smiled when she saw me wanking and a moment later she turned a little bit so I could see him fucking her better. Again she was quite (and I do mean quite) vocal telling him to fuck her hard and deep. Even now I am wondering if this is how she is with him now and her not just saying it for my 'benefit', but it was more than that. She was truly his, there was something to how he was fucking her and how she was really really into it that felt different.

I know she was buzzed and that was part of it. All I can say is that I was just crazy turned on and yet at the same time I had this itching feeling that felt so good. She must have told him that she wanted him to be louder because it didn't seem as natural for him but after a few minutes of fucking her in the missionary position he began to say out loud how stuff like how good her pussy felt, 'how wet she is' over and over; her saying 'So good man.... wow.... ' things like that I saw and heard several more times her saying loudly, "cum in me, ohhhhh god, cum in me..." and, sure enough, watching him cum in her and hearing her shriek at the same time as a flood of wetness rushed out of her pussy as she thrashed beneath him. It was only when she stopped shaking so much that I noticed he was still hard in her and that was when he turned to me and said, "she feels really nice". He then proceeded to take a few more strokes before she got up on her elbows to look at me and said in a questioning voice, "you can come closer if you want".

I did and while he didn't say anything, he didn't have to, seeing his fat bloated cock slither out of her pussy like it owned it was enough to make my cock throb, even though I had cum already myself a few minutes earlier.

I'm not going to try to recap everything that happened after that but she truly was his. I barely slept Friday night.


Saturday we got back to the condo about 4pm after skiing for the day and they went straightaway into the bedroom and before I knew it I heard them going at it. I was in the hallway looking into their room and watched as he fucked her till she came and she pulled him close as he stayed deep in her again till she came down but he didn't cum, he just pulled out of her.

They continued to hang out on the bed kissing and him lying next to her for a little bit. so I couldn't hear what they were talking about but again it was something so different for me to see when she leaned over him as he lay on the bed, her naked breasts brushing against his chest and to see her kiss him, then get up naked as if it were nothing and to see her go into the bathroom.


After dinner on Saturday I thought they were going to go dancing again but she said she wanted to use the hot-tub/Jacuzzi that was attached to the condo building we were staying in. I shrugged my shoulders until she teased me that she wanted me to go along with them to act as 'lookout'. I didn't fully understand what she was asking of me till she came out in her bikini (she still looks good, her breasts are still so nice) and the 3 of us walked down to the common area.

We were the only ones in there and she giggled that I should keep an eye out and when I shrugged my shoulders again she giggled and undid her top and let Paul suck at her breasts. She turned to me and said, "Keep an eye out for us honey" and she went back to teasing Paul with her breasts. I nervously looked back and forth only to watch her slip off her bikini bottoms next and to sit at the edge of the hot-tub with Paul licking her pussy. I was sitting on the opposite side and could see the hallway leading into the Jacuzzi so I could see if anyone was approaching but I nervously asked them what if someone comes and she giggled and said, "I'll just slip down below the bubbles".

She clearly intended to push me because she did slide into the hot-tub naked with him after a bit and it made me so horny to see her come up out of the water with the bubbles on her naked breasts. She looked at me and smiled and turned away and stood at the edge of the tub and leaned over and showed me her butt and pussy. A second later Paul stood behind her, pulled his swim shorts down and, it happened so quickly, I didn't realize what was happening until I heard her moan and realized he was in her.

Five minutes later she was in front of me handing me her wet bathing suit with just a towel wrapped around her, with Paul picking up our water-bottles and following her and her saying over her shoulder, "See you back there". That was all she said.

If I thought she was his before, when I got back to the condo, seeing her kneeling at the edge of the bed and seeing she already waiting for him to fuck him once more, I just have to say that it was cumulative and I honestly said to myself that I do need her . Seeing her like that I so felt like I needed to be there, to take my place in her and, yes, I'll even say that as I watched him in her knowing he was about to take her yet again and fill her body with his cum, that I even felt the need and desire to do that myself. It was truly the first time in a long time that I felt the desire to feel her at that moment and to know that I brought her there and that it would be my semen in her.

There is just so much more that I felt and yet, the most pleasurable and satisfying moments were still hearing her hiss and moan as he would cum in her. have to say that I felt desires awaken in me that I thought I may no longer have.


I need to say that on our way home as she shared with me how sexually fulfilled and truly worn out she felt; how she seemed to truly enjoy sharing with me how wonderful that feels for her. She told me that I will not be having her until after our next ski trip with Paul which will be on the weekend in two weeks time. She told me that in that time, she plans on being with him 'quite a bit' and that I will need to understand that this is what she is going to want more of moving forward.

As I said, I feel her ultimatum coming.


The escalation of everything is apparently something Suzanna has been wanting, she's already told me that 'I’m getting to experience what I'd wanted', of how she wanted to feel about Paul and what she's experiencing physically. She said that while my week away felt a bit too much for her at the time, she has now admitted that it has led her to want to push things further with me and 'help me' decide about what it is that I want!

She says that until we go away skiing again with Paul, that she will continue to enjoy seeing him as much as she can in these next two weeks leading up to going away; that I'm not going to be having any sexual contact with her except for, as she shared on Thursday night, when she let me lick her pussy clean when she came home.

He will be coming here tonight and she's again teased me that 'that's all you'll be getting tomorrow too' dashing my hopes of enjoying her afterwards as she'd begun to let me.


I am quite sure that I do want to relinquish my beta-status. I am just getting far too horny as she's gone more intense with Paul. Her pussy wasn't just wet on Thursday night (it was more like a honey pot!) and there's just a lot more physicality between them that I saw when we were away which makes me think she is enjoying him in very new and, yes, very 'deep' ways. She's teased me that 'she's going to feel different too'. She giggled when said that and added " … if you get to feel me again".

I know that I need to cum in her again too. If not for myself, then to make it the experience she seems to want with me in order to continue being sexual with me. I suppose 'mercy fuck' might be a correct statement but she says she likes making me feel good and that if it's what I truly need, that it's my decision. She's also made it quite clear that now, almost two years into condom use, it is genuinely making a difference in how she is feeling.

She knows it turns me on to not cum in me but it's also clear that unless I do, that she's going to continue to grow and prefer Paul. She's told and warned me that it is already making a difference and she knows hearing that turns me on; I also know she's warning me that if we do go further (and I get it as being months, not days) that it is going to change things further.


The last thing she told me is that she says she doesn't want to hear from me about any of this now. That if I am going to want to relinquish some or all of my beta desires, that I should tell her after we come back from skiing.

But she did giggle and say, "Baby, you'll always be my cuckold though!"


I have no intentions of losing her and if relinquishing condoms is what's needed, then I surely will go along with that. My hope would that we could find a way to play with them and perhaps her more aggressively tease and deny me, then surely give in.

I admit that I am feeling far more desire for her in all ways, physically and mentally, the further she pushes with Paul and I am quite aware that this is what she intends for me to experience.

We've long talked about this as I suppose it is somewhat of her original desire, to have this full-blown-affair with another man. Thankfully, at least at this point, she hasn't gone completely emotionally towards him.

All I can say is her ongoing taunts when she emerges naked from the shower or when she is getting changed about 'remember how this used to feel' as she pats her pussy mound or clearly the other times when she will suddenly look up at me, smile when I give her a questioning look and her smile grows into a tease. I know then that she's feeling a drip or something similar.

Maybe she knows this is what I needed to feel to 'want her' again, that I'm just hesitant that I'll lose the edge and the arousal that I do feel. I'm hoping we can find a way to make that last and, again, by the end of another two weeks and another weekend, perhaps even that desire will wane.


It's all getting to be too much to think about. Good thing that this book is just about full; time to find a fresh .. but only till after I've got my head straight.