Book #135
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The weather has been messing up Paul's golf and while she didn't come right out and say it I feel she is a bit pissed that she is playing second fiddle and having him dictating their schedule. However, at the same time, while she didn't straight out ask me, she did say that she was thinking of 'having me making her cum tonight' but then she had second thoughts and said that she wanted to try to 'save it for Paul'.
I told her that was her choice but didn't push any further. She then went on to tease me and tell me how wet she was and how horny she was. I am quite sure that was said more for my teasing/torture than it was for hers.
I was honest when I told her knowing that was incredibly arousing to me, that it sort of turned me on even more knowing she wanted it to be him to satisfy her; that it turned me on that she wants his cock to be the one to make her cum.
It was easy to talk over a glass of wine and to hear her tell me how she wants to feel 'swept away with lust and desire for him'. I laughed and told her that she was going to wear him out once golf season was over.
She asked me how I was feeling now, after my 'first month' without her and I told her honestly that I was missing the physical release I have with her and that her sucking me the other night was nice. I tried to explain that sometimes masturbating can give me more intense arousal and fulfillment mentally, but that sometimes being able to cum without me having to stroke it, like being in her mouth or her pussy, simply makes me cum more which is also amazing to feel but different.
She smiled to hear that and agreed with me that I did seem to cum a lot the other night.
She complimented me on continuing to shave my cock and balls and that I'd 'done a nice job' to which I responded that it still made me feel very self-conscious and that I thought it intensified my feelings. I agreed with her that it seemed to be something that separated us sexually and that I was aware it would make her want him.
She told me that she does think I have a 'gorgeous thick cock' but that while I know she'd enjoy it back in her, she says she just wants to look at it right now and watch me. I admitted to her that when I masturbate it feels very erotic to run my hands all around my 'smoothness' and she giggled.
Our conversation continued and she said that once things 'picked up with Paul' she would feel more open to sharing more with me which I took to mean that she's still not where she wants to be; in being with him as much as she wanted. From the way she said it I think once that does happen, I think she'll involve me more.
In the meanwhile, I just have to say that it is the craziest thing to talk to your wife and both feel turned on knowing that she wants to enjoy his cock while I sit there stroking mine.
*******
He did come over and stayed last night and I enjoyed watching them for a while before I went to my bed in the guest room.
We all awoke to the sound of rain and with golf out of the question we met in the kitchen where shared drinking coffee together watching the rain get heavier. That didn't last long, Suzanna soon told me that they were going to go back upstairs for a while. They left me alone in the kitchen and a few moments later I heard the bedroom door click shut. I just sat and finished my coffee and, being honest, I've watched them enough to think they too want some alone time.
******
What can I say? Maybe it's true, maybe there's more between them than she admits; maybe it's subconscious; maybe she doesn't notice it. I'll have to ask next time we continue talking.
I'm having these thoughts of guessing there could be more because last night when I watched it was far from 'just sex', it seemed to me that they were truly making love. But, having said that, is that so bad, I loved watching them; I loved watching her.
They got started downstairs in the den when I'd left them alone for a while and had gone to do some stuff for work. When I came back, he'd undressed her almost all the way and he was lying against her kissing her and caressing her with the TV on in the background. I didn't realize at first but he was in her as they lay there and only when I came in the room and she rolled off of him could I tell that they were lying there fucking as they watched TV. I can't explain it but I like seeing that she was that comfortable with him and when she looked at me I think at first she was a little worried until I smiled and said, "Oops, sorry, I'll leave you guys."
He spoke for both of them when he replied, "Thanks." and she rolled back towards him as I left the room. My cock was so hard at that moment that I just wanted to whip it out and jerk off right then but I resisted.
I was in the kitchen when she came in with a robe loosely tied. I could see she'd left her bra off but I wasn't sure she had panties on underneath. She told me thanks for being so good with them just a bit earlier and she reached down and felt my hard cock and smiled. As she gave my cock a squeeze I heard Paul go by in the hallway and she leaned in, kissed me, and said they were going to go upstairs. She asked me if I wanted to join them.
I told her 'maybe' to which she smiled and said looking down at my cock, "he’s not going to care that you're bare if that's what you're worried about."
I didn't ask if she'd told him or not but she smiled and said she loved me and would see me later with this giddy giggle in her voice.
By the time I went up and peeked in from the hallway she was lying on her back naked and he was eagerly licking her pussy. Maybe she knew I was there, maybe not, but she pulled her knees back and apart as I watched and I just have to say I loved watching her do that; open herself up and give herself to him fully. Hearing her soft moans and seeing her motions, and her reactions, I know he was on the verge of making her cum. I can't explain it but at that moment I so wanted him to do that.
Her moaning got louder and louder and her knees and legs began to shake I honestly loved knowing what he was doing to her at that moment. I loved that he was having her like that; I loved that his face and fingers and tongue were in her and I wasn't; that he was tasting the sweetness that oozes from her when she cums.
A moment later her hand went to the back of his head and she let out a shriek and a squeal that could not be mistaken. As she calmed down all I could hear was him softly moaning 'mmmm' at times.
*******
Do I want to never have sex with her again?
No.
Hearing her upstairs right now knowing what she's doing after her again being in just a bathrobe at breakfast?
No.
The answer is that I do plan on fucking her at the end of October. While I am truly enjoying this gentle torment right now (like after last night watching them and now them going back again) I'm concluding that by the end of October, I am going to need and want her. That's a nice feeling for me to have right now as I was a bit concerned about where my desires were leading me.
So could I give that up for the long term?
To which my answer is yes. I think that if I'm already feeling the physical desire to be with her returning, perhaps the total celibacy thing isn't going to work for me but, at the same time, I do love feeling like the beta for her, and I have to say that not cumming in her was meeting that need I seem to have. If that becomes the outcome of all of this, then I think I can be okay with it.
******
I went into our bedroom last night and two things come to mind.
First, is that I didn't really get naked but rather left my boxers on and would reach in and stroke my cock in them. I did slide them down at the end but by then the two of them were too far gone to notice anything.
Second is, and I might as well just say it, I loved being there and watching him cum in her.
Before it got there I was excited to see how she lay back as if it were nothing to be lying there totally exposed for him. I could recall a time when she'd never leave her legs open like that even with me as she didn't like how it felt. But now, I know what she is feeling and I love that she feels that way. I know she loves to give herself fully to him and I can say it feels good to want her to do so.
He moved to the side of the bed and it was as she was sucking his cock and he was fingering her pussy that I walked in and sort of stood near the foot of the bed. They were both too busy with her sucking his cock to take any notice of me. He gently held her head in place as he slowly pushed in and out of her mouth and I loved seeing how she used her hand on his cock to limit how far he would push into her mouth, the same as she does with me, knowing how it feels like it’s her mouth the whole time.
What I liked more to see and got very horny about was watching his fingers between her legs, how she pulled her knees back for him and he had the freedom to do as he liked. I watched as he'd rub her clit (and we know just how she likes it) all around the sides and then very gently on the tip before using his index and ring fingers to spread her lips apart and effortlessly finger-fuck her with his middle finger. I noticed he'd curl his finger and she'd moan each time so I knew he was hitting the right spots and seeing his finger grow wetter and wetter I knew how she must be feeling inside.
A moment later she pulled him out of her mouth and she moaned something about 'your turn' and as I stood there (again, making no sign that he even knew I was there) he moved between her legs and rubbed the tip of his cock up and down and then as if it were nothing at all, he just lined it up and began to push into her.
I admit to moving closer and getting down to my knees and leaning at the foot of the bed as I had the thought, "Well, why wouldn't I if I'm here....".
As I knelt there I think they became conscious that I was there and for my benefit she slid down the bed a bit more towards me, pulled her legs up and back more, opening up fully right in front of me. It was just amazing, exciting, and yes, beautiful, to see her respond to him. Her lips spread apart revealing her now quite stiff clit at the top of her dark pink, wet vagina.
The fat knob of his cock pushed in and then pulled back leaving her even more open. He did this a few more times until he pushed into her fully one time before gently pulling back. It was so incredible to see her inner lips cling to his cock as he pulled it out and to hear her cry out as if she was in pain (she wasn't!) and for her to moan deeply letting out a loud 'oooh' each time as he'd push into her over and over until it seemed effortless as I suppose, she was just so open for him.
I watched one last push in and as he penetrated her, saw her hand slip down between their bodies and her red-painted fingernails slide down the sides of his cock and I guess, rub herself and spread herself more open for him.
I was stroking my cock by this point as he was by now eagerly fucking her and each stroke was seemingly pushing him further and further into her. He pulled out all the way a few times with almost a popping sound and at times she'd moan out loud and thrust herself upwards to try to keep him inside. I guess once he was in her fully he stopped pulling that far back and I watched the two of them grind against each other and kiss as he would thrust rapidly a few times and then, push deep into her and then stay still. After a few times of this, I realized as he did it once again that this time she let out a loud 'uhhhh' and I realized that she must have been cumming each time he'd pushed in and stayed in.
The thing I have to say is that I felt turned on and loved it. I did not feel concerned or threatened in any way, it was almost like watching a custom-made live porn movie right in front of me. I also had to stop myself stroking lest I cum too soon.
I thought for sure he'd cum in her soon but instead was surprised and jolted a bit when he abruptly pulled out of her and rolled over onto his back on my side of the bed with his wet cock standing straight up in the air. Without missing a beat, she simply rolled over on top of him, and again, without acknowledging I was there, she reached behind and slid herself right down onto him causing a huge moan from both of them. His hand cupped her butt cheeks as he seemed to almost lift her up and then let her slide back down at her own pace.
Achingly slow at first but then, a moment later, almost dropping herself down onto him with all her weight, I realized she wanted him. She did that again and again almost to the point where I thought she'd hurt herself and then with the last one, she slid herself down slowly and then ground herself against him until her back arched and her head shook about and she cried out loud before collapsing forward onto his chest. When her body relaxed, she leaned forward more fully and I could see his still very hard cock embedded in her with a glistening ring of wetness around the base and that was all that was visible.
A moment later, when she caught her breath, she lifted herself off of him and to see his cock emerge drenched in her wetness but still rock hard and fully stiff, geez, it just drove me crazy to think of her clenching down on that buried in her as she came on him. Had I been stroking myself I'd have cum on the spot.
If I thought she was open to him before, it was nothing compared to how she was this time; how after some 20+ minutes of her squealing away she raised her arms to welcome him with her proclamation, "It's your turn". And the most intense thought I had was that I so wanted to be there when it would be his turn!
He hooked her legs in his arms and I can honestly say he fucked her the way I would have wanted to at one time, pulling her open and apart for that fat knob on his cock to fuck her for himself. She squealed and opened her eyes wide each time he'd bang into her body as he'd be in her so deep that even I could see how he could fit inside her.
I can say they went on for at least 10 minutes and I'm quite sure she came again at least once from how her pussy sounded, slushy. After a while, it became apparent that he was getting close and I moved to the side a little to see her body, her breasts almost standing proud up on her chest as she lay there, her nipples giving away how she was feeling as I could see they were rock hard and so dark.
I was sure from the signs that she had one more orgasm in her and then she surprised me by opening her eyes, and turning her head and I know when she saw me she smiled.
I did move back to the foot of the bed just before he came in here. I so wanted to be there and see when it was his turn. I didn't have to wait long, a moment or two later I remembered the tell-tale signs, deep thrusts followed by shallower ones but faster and faster. Sure enough (I almost was going to jerk my cock in time with him but thought, better not) I watched him and heard him grunt and moan and at that moment I saw and felt his final thrust into her before he made her his once again. I watched his body and his butt clench at least 4 or 5 times after which he began to move again and fucking her again but more slowly. A moment later she let out a loud cry and thrashed her head beneath him and I watched her body tremble for just a few moments and then go calm again. As soon as she went calm, he pushed gently back into her one last time leaned against her ran his hands up to her head, and pulled her close.
As I said, it seemed to me that they had very much been making love and, I have to say that as crazy as it sounds, I loved seeing her let go with him like that.
I left them after that but I know they went at it at least once more if not fully then at least her cumming at some point later on. That's why when she came to breakfast with her robe on, I just knew how she must have felt and been underneath.
I haven't gone upstairs now to hear or see if they opened the door. All I can say is that even after jerking off before bed last night, seeing her this morning and now knowing where they are my cois ck hard once again.
******
For whatever it's worth I do still want to play at this with her and to make it as real as we can. It is incredibly arousing to me and although I am coming to accept that I likely cannot abstain permanently, I do still want to let her do what she wants in the short term. I now have no doubts that the weekend at the end of the month when we go away I will take my place once again between her legs. I can feel that need right now, especially after these past two weekends. Whether it's welcomed by her or not will remain to be seen.
I do want to give her the time she's asked for. I think that if I know ahead of time what to expect and anticipate, both in terms of what I will and will not get, I'll be okay. As she's said, she wants to make what we are doing feel as real as possible so I'm not going to question her in any way on that but will play along.
******
She's asked if he could stay both nights next weekend, Friday and Saturday. I told her okay as I do want to experience that, him staying with us here both nights, before we go away at the end of the month. I know it is going to drive home what I'm feeling and in some ways, it's something that even I want to feel.
******
I loved that she was able to be honest with me about going back up to the bedroom the next morning and I want to feel that as something not just that one time but that they may want to do at other times. I think I shared that I would have liked to have had this time during the summer and to have the two of them scamper off only to return later with her wearing her bathing suit and my knowing how wet she was beneath it.
So, it may sound crazy but I do want to have this continue into the winter. I can't explain it but I am looking forward to the 3 of us going skiing again and things being a little more relaxed and out in the open between all of us by then. However, I also have the feeling that I should 'grow a pair' and, that said, I can feel already now that beyond 6 months out, this will perhaps have run its course.
I am already starting to look forward to how things will be between us after she's experienced what she wants and I will know I am truly having her back after she's been his almost exclusively.
******
We only talked a little bit but I told her that I did enjoy the weekend and she smiled at me and said she knew what I meant and she told me that she liked that I could tell her that. I expect that we'll likely talk more tonight as we went over to see her mom and ****** yesterday evening which occupied most of the time we had.
******
I'm aware that my change of heart (or at least course correction) may not be in sync with her desires. and that's also why I'm simply not going to discuss any of this now with her because it's more likely to lead to arguments with me, that I'm depriving her or something like that.
I'm not sure of her intentions at the end of the month given some things she said at the moment to heighten the moments of passion or, perhaps, feel me out to my response. So I suppose her responsiveness to me will say a lot about what she is thinking, but again, it's not something I want to bring up more than maybe a few days before we go away.
******
Regarding an end date. I share no doubts that unless they get into a wicked disagreement or either of us moves away, she's not likely to give up sex with Paul; I know that means possibly, if ever. I don't mind that. I think it would be amazingly hot to have this evolve into what may be described as a poly situation. Now that I can see and feel my desires rising to where I would surely want to participate (maybe infrequently but still at times) I can also see that she's not going to give it up with him unless she has to for some reason.
My honest feeling is that if I give her the room she wants, even encourage her along the way, it will run its course. I admit right now to feeling horny thinking about us sitting in a hot tub after skiing and the two of them leaving together to go back to the bedroom. It's another scenario that appeals to me and I think, honestly, that I want to give it till then too.
It's crazy to say it but I would also like her to have sex with him on New Year’s Eve this year, somehow as if to mark the only New Year's Eve since we've been together that I wouldn't have sex with her. I don't know how else to explain it but I feel as if now that I can sort of see that I want this in somewhat of the same way she wants it, to let her live out her desires and for me to enjoy them together with her. Maybe this is where we've been heading all along, the redefinition of our roles in the bedroom seems to have had an amazing change on our relationship.
I’m quite aware that I must sound like the proverbial pendulum that is now still swinging in the same direction but nearing the end of its range before swinging back again.
******
I just got home to an empty house. She'd texted me to say she was spending the evening at Paul’s and would be home late this evening. I asked her why she didn't just stay the night and she said that she hoped he'd be spending one night with us this weekend and that she was happy with this as a start to resuming one mid-week night at his and an overnight at ours at the weekend.
******
I can share that we've talked a bit more and I have come away with two conclusions. One is that she is very serious about this as something that isn't long-term; she again indicated next spring. Second is that she is quite serious about what she wants with him and without me. As I've tried to convey, her desire, she says is a direct result of my own and what she 'knows' I want!
We are now at the point where she understands that I want to go with this just as much as she does, each for our reasons. She has described to me that she does want things to escalate with Paul a bit more both in terms of sex as well as wanting to let herself feel lust for him. It is so hot to hear her say it like that and her admission that hearing me describing it that way is exactly what she wants to hear.
She asked me again how I felt this past weekend and about things being more open between them and I told her that our talks and hearing her tell me how she wanted this to work out into next year made me much calmer and made things more acceptable. She asked me more pointedly about whether it was okay for them to be 'getting started' as they are; I said yes.
I did not mention anything of my thoughts and desires for her at the end of the month but at the same time, I'm hearing nothing from her that would lead me away from those thoughts; we simply haven't talked about it other than confirming we're going away over Halloween weekend alone. (It was a nice moment when we were kissing and feeling close). I’m not sure if that met expectations for moving ahead, but that is how it is.
We have talked more about her understanding that some of my fantasies are about her denying me more. I know that there are times when I've come across as being shy or a little embarrassed about it but lately, she's been saying that it's okay that 'weird stuff' turns me on and that she doesn't mind it. Again, if it works for both of us right now, then let’s just accept it and feel okay about it.
******
I can feel her being emotionally tired right now. Her ***'s passing and the outcomes of that have only made all of that even more visible and tangible. When she says that she's just going to be spending this evening in bed with Paul until she comes home I can't help but feel to be thankful that she's honest and isn't keeping it from me. I also feel good that for a few hours tonight, she won't be thinking about me or the kids the house her ****** her mom her sister, etc. That it goes along with her fucking him all night and then coming home to me.
That's okay for now as I told her last night when I masturbated and came all over her, that I love that she lets Paul fuck her as he does.
******
I am coming to realize that she does want a bit more than just sex. Her talk about how she wants to feel about him is still, so far, only being referred to sexually but I also do know she wants more than that. She's shared that she wants to feel like she's dating him when we go away skiing and has talked about going out with him after dinner to get drinks and as she said with a giggle, "get horny".
Knowing how she is and knowing what she wants, I will confess that I have some reservations about how far she may want it to go but, at the same time, I am also prepared to let her enjoy her moment (does 6 months count as a 'moment'?). I am a bit hesitant when thinking about it all, including my reactions, but at the same time, I do want to see her do it. I think it would be amazingly erotic to see them come back after going out for drinks after skiing and be horny for each other.
I have not mentioned the end of October but again, maybe she won't care or mind if she's able to let herself go mentally to be where she wants to be regarding him. I think she'll probably not mind being with me when she can't or is unable to be with him. I know it may sound cold to say it but I now understand her just as I suspect she feels and understands me.
******
A part of me wishes and hopes that I can truly relax and let her enjoy herself as she wants regardless of where or when I am around. I do find it erotic to know how she is feeling as she starts to want him more when they are together. It's incredibly arousing to see her horniness become more apparent between her and Paul yet, at the same time, I don't know how to describe the intense feelings that overcome me when I hear her cry out from behind closed doors or afterward when she tells me of her sharing her enjoyment with him.
What continues to surprise me is the depth of the desire that I can feel in her to want to let her go with him and that I can understand her sort of 'need' to feel a break with me sexually to do so.
I have long said about the two of us, that she is acting and doing things that turned me on even if she had said they were for her. I know it sounds corny but I feel that is a reflection of how we feel about each other and how we connect.
In the past there were things she's wanted or done that I know I hadn't liked or wanted but just as she seems to have adjusted her desires, I know that I too have changed mine.
It’s weird to feel it work like that but at the same time, it gives me such confidence to trust and believe in her and love her enough to let her do this with him.
******
Well, with the beautiful weather I had already warned her that he was likely to not be around till much later today and, as I predicted, he called to say he has an early golf game scheduled tomorrow morning. When we talked last night she told me she was annoyed at all of this stuff but I reminded her that the weather is going to change soon and that'll be the end of his golfing till the springtime and he'll be looking to get his exercise in other ways! That made her smile.
*******
We had quite an interesting conversation on Saturday afternoon when I could tell she was antsy waiting for him. We talked very openly about her wanting him sexually and how she felt about me. I told her that I was turned on and that she was so horny for him and she giggled and said that sometimes it even surprised her how she was feeling and she admitted that not having sex with me was surely adding to it.
I half-jokingly said that I was available any time she wanted to 'take her frustrations out on me' and she giggled and said that she surely would enjoy that but that right now, she wanted to stay true to her desires and hoped I understood. I told her I did and that I thought I would feel the same way if roles were reversed and I was (soon to) ramp up my activities with a hot lover!
She smiled and said that she felt like a teenager and giggled, " that at times my panties are wet."
I was going to answer, "Before or after you've been with him?" but held my tongue and said instead that it honestly made me horny that she was feeling that way and that I wanted to know later on that she'll have satisfied herself being with him.
It led to a bit of a deeper conversation where she shared that she wanted to feel like she was letting herself go with Paul and that she wanted to be reassured I was going to be okay with it. She asked me to honestly tell her how I was feeling about not having sex with her.
I told her that I did miss the physical feeling of being with her and feeling her body coupled with mine; that I missed feeling her as she orgasmed which caused a concerned look on her face until I added, " … but I love knowing that you are having that with Paul." I further added that I liked knowing what he was feeling with his cock inside her.
She hugged me and she said she loved me telling her this and loved that I could let her do and try this with him. She asked me to tell her (again) how I felt about it.
I told her that it's still not easy for me to tell her stuff like this but that it's gotten easier and that while I couldn't explain it all, I knew from how I felt that it was the right thing, right now, for us to be doing. I told her honestly that it felt weird to be saying it but that I am genuinely turned on that I've barely cum in her now in almost 2 years.
She smiled and asked me to tell her more if I could. Just the way she said it made me feel okay sharing my thoughts and I told her mostly what I'd already said, that giving up something so intimate with her while knowing Paul still enjoyed her that way seemed to fulfill my inner desires for some kind of denial. I told her that knowing I'd willingly done so, made a conscious decision, really seemed to turn me on.
She looked up at me and asked me how I felt to know that she now liked that and, " … it may not be something you get back to very much baby".
I told her that somehow it made me feel good to know that even when we do have sex that it just seemed right that I not get to cum inside her, that I would only use a condom.
She smiled and said nothing which I took as a sign and encouragement to say more, so I told her that I had come to accept that I was enjoying the beta feelings and that to me, using condoms turned me on incredibly that this might be something that changes between us.
She giggled and said, "Just remember, you're not so unusual...." and she reminded me that my brother-in-law genuinely likes using them with Suzanna's sister. She continued and giggled more and said "What's different is, of course, me...." which didn't need any other explanation.
She looked at me and, not in an interrogative way but in a way that showed concern, said, "What about the rest?”
I told her honestly that I was still very turned on and aroused but then admitted there were times that I was beginning to get that physical 'longing' feeling.
She smiled and said that was good, that she liked knowing that I felt that way and she asked me if it made me horny and how that was going for me, did I enjoy having to masturbate.
I told her honestly, that sometimes jerking off can feel incredibly satisfying and at other times it feels good but that it never is enough. I also told her that the night she sucked my cock till I came had been one of the most satisfying and deeply relieving times for me.
She said she liked doing that for me but that she 'has to be in the mood to do that' which is something I've known forever; that for her to suck a guy off to completion, she has to like him and want to give to him. That she said she'd do that for me made me feel really good.
I told her that when she sucked me that it was almost as good as having intercourse with her which made her laugh and she then said she liked knowing that but figured that 'almost as good' meant I still liked her pussy the best. In turn, I figured she wanted to hear me talking like this when she asked me how I was feeling about continuing to do what we were doing.
I told her that I didn't want to change what she'd asked for but, as she'd brought it up, I told her that I hoped we would physically reconnect over Halloween weekend.
She smiled and kissed me and said, "Yes honey, if it's what you want and need, then I'll be very happy to make love with you".
I was quiet for a moment and she smiled and said "I do still love you honey …" and told me how she knew we needed that and, " … besides, it'll be fun for you to feel me again".
Which made me look at her and ask, "So you'll be looking forward to that as well?" She smiled and said, "Yes honey, just because I want to have 'this thing' with Paul, doesn't mean I don't still want you sometimes".
I was relieved when she said that and said that was good to hear especially when she said, " … of course, I love you ... ” but a moment later she made me feel nervous when she added, " … but you understand what I mean about 'sometimes', right?".
I looked up at her and asked what she meant.
She explained, repeating a lot of what she'd already said, that she wanted to be in control of what we did sexually and what I did and did not get to have, saying, "I like deciding when or even if you will get to have sex with me".
I told her to continue and she said that, just like me, she's become more aware and focused on what we are doing too. (The way she said it made me wonder if she'd been reading what I write in my journals!) She said that her desires had changed over time as she'd come to see and understand what I was finding out about myself. She said, "It surprised me at first baby, but now I do see that you do enjoy the beta role with me". Just like that!
She looked at me and said that it was part of what she'd learned about herself too, that seeing that in me reminded her how she used to feel when we first got together and she was the one who would initiate sex with me all the time, " … that, and what made me horny".
*****
Paul was not due to arrive till later so we were able to continue 'our discussion' of our interests as we move ahead. She is quite clear on her wish to continue to exclude me sexually as things progress. She said that October is a good time for both of us inasmuch that she still hasn't gotten her mind ready to know what exactly it is that she wants.
I commented that I'd noticed that she'd been 'taking it easy' regarding Paul and she said honestly that she still feels some emotional stuff from her ***'s passing and that she wants to feel more comfortable about that before going further with Paul. I told her that I hoped Paul and I could become more at ease together and that it would feel more 'normal' as time went by.
She told me that she was very careful about how she felt emotionally and admitted to feeling vulnerable right now and therefore wanted to 'start slowly', just as she is doing. She complimented me on wanting to make it easier and better for all of us and she seemed to allude that I might even participate with them at times. She said it more as in 'me being there with them' but also in terms of 'making it more enjoyable'.
I told her again how I felt a little self-conscious about keeping my cock and balls shaved and bare right now. She smiled and said that it was just something for her amusement as she'd asked Paul how he felt about it and he said he thought it was nice if a guy was into it and did it for his wife but had added that he wasn't interested. I joked that it didn't do much for me to hear that he's not into it.
She smiled at me and said, "Baby, I know it makes it easier for you to not have me when you feel that way" I told her that she was right about that and I admitted that watching her from afar these past few weekends has made me very horny about it all; if anything, I told her, it intensified how I felt about everything.
She said that she liked knowing that's how I felt.
We moved on to talk about what she was thinking past October and she said that she did want to intensify things between her and Paul adding that she appreciated me being okay with them being at ease with each other when we're all together.
I assured her that I would feel comfortable when we're away and joked, "… maybe I'll ask Paul about what positions he likes best with you!"
She laughed and answered for him saying, "Anyone where he's in me!" She straightaway thought she may have gone a bit too far and then said, "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way … but I like the way you're thinking!" and that she was looking forward to when we all went away skiing. That was when she said that was when she thought things would peak between them, which is why I've again come back to what I'd said about next spring.
Once he arrived on Saturday though, that was the end of all thoughts of continuing to talk and unfortunately, between her being horny and him feeling rushed in getting here late, there wasn't much interplay between us.
We, Paul and I, only talked briefly with him again telling me thanks for 'accommodating him' and how he liked how he and Suzanna got along so well. I told him that I was okay with it as long as she was and that he was keeping her happy.
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What I didn't tell him was that yet another book was filled and that I needed to open a new one. I'll leave that until after the weekend when I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about.
(Have to add, that it's a bit of a concern that Suzanna may have been taking time out to be reading my journals and my 'innermost thoughts'!)
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