Book #133
******
******
Early yesterday morning we got a call that woke us up from sleeping and it was her sister who said their father had either taken a fall or something had happened when he was up at night. Either way he is in the hospital and they aren't sure he will pull through due to damage from a suspected stroke
Our kids are both home since yesterday evening to see him in the hospital perhaps one last time He wasn't conscious when I was there but Suzanna said she thought she saw some signs of him still being there (I'm not so sure)
It’s hardest on her mom who was the one who heard the commotion and had to call for help. Even when Suzanna's not there, her mind is still there.
She stayed over with her mom and I stayed till her other sister arrived and then after much ado I came home to sleep.
So until this all pans out we are on hold here.
*******
Sadly, all the prayers were no match this time and things took a downward turn early this morning and he didn't have the strength to rally back. He passed away earlier today.
*******
I had hoped for the funeral to be on Friday so that maybe come Sunday we could be alone without ****** all around but, unfortunately, that's not to be either; the funeral is set to be on Saturday.
Our kids and probably another relative or two will be here starting either tonight or tomorrow for the viewing and then the whole shebang funeral on Saturday.
******
In a way, it's somewhat fortunate that we've embarked on this next phase of our relationship as I know she's very much appreciated my attention, help and encouragement and, for me, I know in the past I'd have probably wanted some kind of sex with her. Now, she knows I am masturbating when I am horny and she even said 'thank you' to me for not bothering her with my desires.
We're not sure what's going to happen with her mom now. She's still a bit more capable so not sure if she'll stay where they moved to or if it now has too many bad memories. I guess we'll all sort that out over the next few weeks.
******
She was upset last night but also began realizing that he wasn't the same really after the stroke and that maybe this is for the better and he's in a better place now. Unfortunately, her mom now becomes the real issue as she isn't comfortable living alone and has temporarily moved in with Suzanna's sister until things are sorted out, with stairs in our house, it wasn't going to work for her to be here. I think as soon as all of that is somewhat settled, things will begin to return.
She just wanted to be held last night and in bed I was sure she felt me get hard a few times as she let me hold her and surprised me when she moved my hand to hold her breasts a few times as she spooned back against me. But I also knew she wasn't looking for sex, just wanted the feeling of closeness, when we lay together with the lights out she told me that, "… you can take care of that if you need to honey" and she said she loved the hugs and closeness.
I did as she suggested as I was horny and when I'd cleaned up and rolled over to go to sleep a few minutes later she again surprised me when she turned over towards me and kissed my shoulder and said she liked that I felt comfortable enough to do that when I needed and she kissed me and said she loved me.
What she doesn't know (and I won't tell her) is that about 3am this morning that I woke up when I both felt and heard something. I was facing in her direction and I opened my eyes and was sure she was masturbating. I snored a bit, rolled onto my back from my side facing her and I pretended to deepen my breathing slowly as if I were falling back asleep. She must have liked my new position because as I settled in I felt her begin to move again and this time I saw her move a little further away from me. When I didn't move, she slowly raised her knees and I could feel the rhythm change from how she was rubbing herself. It wasn't till I heard the squishy sounds as she struggled to keep her orgasm quiet that I realized she was using a dildo, I could feel how she was moving and I realized that this must be how she'd felt earlier when she lay next to me.
I heard her breathing calming and she then brought her knees down and reached out to take tissues and I can only assume wiped off the dildo before putting it back into her night-stand. (I slept in late this morning so couldn't tell which one of her toys that she had used!)
*******
We have our spare room free now as our son went back to school today and our ******** will be leaving as soon as she and Suzanna return from seeing her mom.
*******
I have to say that it's been easy to be helpful and supportive when I know that there won't be any sex involved and that I should simply take it off my mind with her. I know she's noticed that as a difference and I have to say it feels nice to be able to feel this way and be okay with it and not, as I know I'd felt in the past, be starting to try to plan how or when I can somehow have sex with her.
It's strange to look back and see how much of my time or desires were geared around when I might have sex with her and my desire to wait and be horny to release it with her now seems kind of selfish on my part. This coupled with how I felt last night where it was exciting and very gratifying to listen to her satisfy herself as I had earlier.
******
It actually came up in conversation yesterday. I told her that I was happy she 'took care' of herself and she smiled and said that she hoped I understood that she just needed to take care of it herself.
As far as relieving her grief with me somehow, believe me, the closeness between us in these past few days has been really wonderful. Last night she fell asleep spooned up against me and being hugged by me. She didn't say it, but I know she was glad that she didn't have to deal with me sexually as I know from how she is now that it would have been more difficult for her to let me fuck her.
******
She hasn't mentioned it yet but I'm sure she's hoping to see Paul this week. I’m also not pushing her on that, I want her to come to a decision on her own about when and how she'll see him next. I just know that by the end of this week she is going to want to.
I want Suzanna to feel free to tell me what she needs. If she wanted an extra day or two with him, I suppose it'd be okay but I'd want her to be asking me for it as opposed to me saying it to her. I have mentioned Paul in passing over the past few days and she's just said, "yes, soon" for the most part.
*******
It's interesting but I actually feel that us not having sex now during these close/emotional times is making closer and stronger ties with me because of how supportive I've been and, at the same time, her not having to think about sex with me.
Thankfully, everyone has left now and taken all the commotion with them. With the company gone it's also made it easier on me to simply remove sex from the list of things we would do together and it's made the past week, I think, less stressful for Suzanna and me. I also think it's delayed me from fully feeling the changes that we've made so far.
I've been thinking a bit though and in some ways the events of the past week has made it an easier transition into being fully denied. That first weekend when I may have started feeling the loss of sexual contact with her was defused knowing that sex was off-the table.
For this past weekend, even if I wasn't the beta, I again knew we wouldn't have had sex anyway. So, it's really this week and this coming weekend when I believe I will feel it more fully and, in this way, it's a bit of an easier entry into it as I haven't had to deal with them together yet.
I'm looking for a bit of a silver-lining so to speak.
*******
She’s running herself ragged right now shuttling back and forth between her sister's and work and home. They are moving more stuff to the sister's house with the hopes that maybe her mom will stay there and they can give up the apartment as the assisted-living stuff isn't really needed for the time being. At least it'd save some money as those senior citizen housing with the available assistance isn't cheap.
I'm hoping that she'll want to do our normal Wednesday routine but at the same time, if she's as tired as she's been these past few days, it's understandable and then will I know not to expect it.
*******
I'm thinking it'd be a nice thing for me to reach out to Paul and arrange for some time for them as I figure Suzanna's just too consumed to be thinking/planning for herself. If she's home late again, then perhaps after work tonight while waiting for her, I'll send him an email and suggest a time to talk on the phone or in person.
The other thing that I've been thinking about is for me to talk to Paul and let him know more about what we're doing. I'm thinking it would be better for Suzanna if I would talk to Paul about all of that in that it could make this experiment more of a permanent type of thing.
However, on the other had despite truly enjoying the beta role, I think maybe it's still too early for me just yet to be going in that direction. I have aversive thoughts when I look into the long term of our current status.
******
I came home to some leftovers and a note that she'd again gone off to her sisters. Apparently they are now realizing that there's a lot of legal stuff that needs to be tended to.
I was going to call Paul but I think, at least for right now, that until she and I talk a little bit, I don't want to impose something on her that maybe she's already planned herself.
Paul, as a 'friend' of the ****** could have come to the visitation/viewing, but he did not. Likewise, I think him coming to our house and finding our kids and I to be 'there' was a surprise enough for him that he perhaps didn't want to get closer. I also think it could have made Suzanna feel weird seeing him there and causing conflicting feelings, etc., so personally I think it was better that he didn't attend.
******
I'm hoping for some fun tonight with her. I think it'd be good for her to return to 'normalcy' a bit and to start shedding some of the doom and gloom. I will also say that I know that soon if not now, that she is going to want and even need a good fucking that will shake the last of the bad humor out of her. I know in the past after difficult times, she's really 'needed it' so to speak. Right now it's quite erotic to think (know) it won't be me doing it to her this time.
******
She surprised me last night when she came in from her sisters and said she still wanted to do our Wednesday routine, "… if I wanted to". I openly laughed at her for thinking I wouldn't want to.
The other surprise came when, as I was starting to stroke away, that she asked, wanted to be sure, I would be okay if Paul came over this weekend. Not staying the night, but coming over after his golf game on Saturday and 'staying late'. When I asked 'how late' she giggled and said, "might as well be all night" and implied as to where I'd be sleeping, etc.
We talked about it and she said that it was him that had set up plans for Sunday morning that he didn't want to change and didn't want to be waking or bothering her early. I was really wanting early Sunday morning for us to enjoy this weekend as much as we can relaxation-wise after last week.
I told her that was up to her but that I was okay with it. She asked me if I wanted to be there, implying to watch them and, again as she well knew, that I like to hear. I told her I surely would. She was talking quite openly and it was her who said that, "it might get a little physical .... just so you know."
I simply nodded my head as I surely do know!
Then she said something to me about whether I would ever tell Paul more of how I feel and it was her who said that it might be good for the 3 of us to be more open about everything. She looked at me and said, "after all baby, things are going to change a little bit for us soon".
Just the way she said it had my cock rock hard and dripping away which clearly made her smile. She said that she was sorry we'd had to delay getting things started but that she admitted that she'd, "been very horny this week" and said that was a good sign for her that she was feeling more normal again (which made me laugh inside).
She asked me, "are you still ready for everything we'd talked about?" and I nodded and gave her a genuine 'yes'. I told her that these past few weeks, while they'd been hard on her and us, were also good and I shared with her my thoughts on how it was maybe better to have eased into it this way.
She reached over and held my hard cock over my own hand and stroked it a few times with me and she told me that she wanted to be sure we'd had time tonight 'for this'; said she wanted to always share this with me and how she liked how it made her feel about us with me wanting to share it with her. She commented on how she'd even like to watch me more sometimes when she is in the right place (as opposed to the other night) and she giggled that ,"you'll get to watch me this weekend, won't you".
I told her that I thought it was good that Paul wasn't truly spending the night as for me, " .. and for you", that I thought we should both start more slowly with this.
This was just a really comfortable conversation to be having and while we are still moving ahead, she was totally ahead of me with how she was feeling and agreeing to 'starting slowly'. As we spoke, I was totally into stroking away. I've kept my cock shaved mostly (I am letting it grow in a little bit above my cock but from the base down, I'm keeping it bare for her) and I swear it felt bigger than ever.
I can share the thoughts in my head at the time that I thought about how erotic it was that my cock was hugely erect in front of her and for both of us to know that it's not going to be used either.
I was stroking away enjoying the moment when she turned her head up to look at me and she said softly to me, "baby, do you ever think about telling Paul more of what we're doing?". I guess she noticed my pace of my stroke changed and she repeated, "do you?"
I stayed stroking, slower and more deeply, and turned to look at her and told her that I too had been thinking about it. I asked her what she'd told him and what she thought I would tell him. I also asked her as we talked how she thought he was going to be and how he was going to feel about everything.
Now we only talked for maybe 20 minutes total from start to when I finally orgasmed with her and at times we couldn't talk as I got closer, so we only talked in generalities but we agreed that it wasn't going to happen this weekend (although I did say just before I cum that maybe I'd start to say something to him this weekend.)
******
Regarding what she's told him about my 'ED situation' and that a lot of the time I find it easier to simply not deal with sex rather than have to take Viagra or something like that; how I'm working with my doctor on alternate medications that might be affecting it, he has an understanding that I haven't been wanting to underperform and that I have been okay with her pretty much only having sex with him. She's also told him that she's 'enjoying' her newly found menopause-pregnancy-safety and that she wants sex a lot more than she did in the past.
I'm guessing that sort of explains what he must be thinking about her attitudes toward me and her desires for him.
As far as what she'd like me to tell him, she said 'say whatever you are comfortable with' then added that she thought it would be easier on us all if I could be more honest with him about what I wanted instead of what she is telling him that she (and in turn, I) want.
She thought it would be easier on me, again going back a ways, if it 'didn't feel like I was fighting it'; said that even though she 'knows' it's what I want to do/try/happen, that even she says that she still feels some apprehension from me, that if I came out and told him more, that she thinks it would change how I feel.
I noted she didn't answer my question about she thought he was going to feel about it, so I asked.
She smiled at me and she said, "baby, he doesn't really care, he knows you love me and he thinks that this is all great" and proceeded to tell me that over the 2+ years they've been together, that he has pretty much gotten-used-to how it is with me and he knows that I enjoy him having sex with her even if I can't bring myself to tell him.
She said that, "he'd probably think no different other than maybe understanding more of what is going on".
That did make me think and I concluded that I'm still not ready to tell him everything. I told her that if things proceeded as she hopes they will, that I thought it would only be natural that over time, I will be telling him most everything.
It wasn't an intense conversation, it was light-hearted and she'd continued to tease me telling me at times, "looks like that's turning you on to think about". As the time began to go by, she turned the conversation back towards sex and started to tell me again how horny she'd been. She cooed in my ear about how, "wet I've been sometimes .."
I was rock hard and ready again and my earlier thoughts about being big doesn't mean it is going to be used so turned me on. I came just after she whispered how she was looking forward to, " … feeling him again".
******
Thinking about it, it was curious timing on her part but it has been something we discussed, although not in great detail other than my continuing thought of how to be more comfortable around him. I also believe she is communicating with others, pen-pals, online who are likely aware of what we are doing, perhaps intentionally, perhaps not.
Whatever the source of her ideas, her timing of asking was quite well planned (if it was) as she clearly knows when I am most vulnerable and susceptible and, of course, receptive. I also haven't figured out how to ask her, but thought maybe this was part of what she'd said about finding ways of making Wednesdays and other times better for me. So, not sure of her overall intention yet.
******
She's not home yet from work so I'm enjoying a bit of quiet solace, 'me-time', right now.
I am a bit anxious and apprehensive about the weekend with Paul coming over tomorrow. I know that if she wants me to be there with her or to watch, etc., and that it is going to trigger feelings in me watching them and knowing that I’m not going to participate in any way.
I'm steeling up my fortitude as well as fulfilling her other earlier wishes even as I am thinking it'd be better if I wasn't quite so horny and on edge tomorrow. So, as she's suggested, I'll surely be taking care of my own desires tonight to alleviate them for tomorrow.
*******
Paul isn't due here till after dinner so likely about 7pm or so.
Suzanna's gone out to primp herself up getting a mani-pedicure. I don't think I'm going to be up for getting into it with them tonight, I have to admit I'm a bit self-conscious right now about my cock being shaved so I'm likely going to watch from afar. The thoughts are getting me antsy right now, my cock has been suddenly getting hard at the slightest thoughts about later. Fortunately, I relieved myself twice last night. Suzanna was there for the first one as we lay in bed she rolled towards me and felt my cock and, well, one thing led to another. I woke up in the middle of the night about 4am and I realized I wasn't sleeping because I was again horny and my cock was again rock hard so I stroked off quietly in bed next to her and didn't wake her.
******
She’s on the phone with her sister right now so I have a few moments to write.
I'm all over the place. I have some rising apprehensions about the night and how I'm going to feel later but at the same time, she told me earlier that she was going to, "want some alone time with him tonight honey"
I told her that I thought that would work okay and I admitted to her that I was feeling a little self-conscious. She smiled at me and said, "I know, I hoped you would a little.....".
So she knew this would make me feel this way, I told her that was sly of her and she looked at me and said, "I know honey but I think it's better for you and us if we start slowly."
I realized that meant that me joining them as I used to sometimes wouldn't be something that she wanted right away.
******
We're about to have some dinner after which she wants me to help her pick out something to wear for later tonight.
*******
It's 2:30am and they are going at it again. The door is closed but I can see some candle-light or something else flickering under the doorway and I can hear her moaning again. This part is harder than I'd remembered from the last time he spent the night here!
I can't believe how loud she is at times; I may have to move downstairs to sleep for the rest of the night.
Earlier I watched from the doorway while they 69'ed for a bit with her on top. It was very arousing to see her stop sucking his cock as his tongue or fingers had obviously found her pussy. I found it hard to watch as she sucked him hard and then (likely she knew I was watching) for her to turn around and lower herself onto his cock and then fall forward into an intense kiss with him. I watched as I can only describe it as her fucking him until I heard her moan loudly and saw his cock glistening as she brought herself to orgasm.
I didn't watch after that as, to be honest, as I said, it was more difficult than I'd remembered.
******
Paul must have left sometime about 5am or so, all was quiet when I opened my eyes about 6pm and his car was gone.
I went into our bedroom and she was still in bed just waking. She motioned for me to crawl in next to her and it was so warm between the covers. She was naked and I guessed she hadn't moved all night and I knew what I'd find if she let me run my hands over her body but she did not. She was actually kind of non-sexual with me which confused me for a bit. I went to pull her closer to me but she just wanted me to be near her and she asked me if I could just lie next to her.
I didn't know what to talk about and was kind of tongue-tied until she said she'd had a really nice evening. I remarked back that I had heard her and she turned to me and apologized but then said, "oh... I needed it honey..." and as she held my hand she said a soft, " … thank you".
I wanted to do more with her but it was clear she didn't want it; she actually wrapped the sheet around her a bit more as she slid towards me and then she said, "just hold me baby, okay?" My cock was hard again and I know she felt me move it out of the way but that was all. We lay there for a while and she turned to me and said, "you okay baby?"
I was quiet for a moment until I felt her pull my arms around her tighter and then I said, "yes. It’ll be okay".
We lay there for a while, she was still obviously sleepy but as we both woke up a bit more she turned to me and finally kissed me. She sat up next to me in bed and reached to put her robe around her before I could see anything more than her back. She turned to me with the robe now closed and she said, "it's going to take me a little while to get used to all this now honey....”
I told her, "I know, we'll figure it out".
She is in the shower right now and we're heading over to her sisters today to see her mom (I was thinking maybe she feels guilty somehow and feels seeing her mom will make it feel better, or am I letting my mind go too far?).
******
I'm not sure of exactly what I'm feeling this morning after the weekend but what I can say is that I felt different about watching them. It was very erotic and eerie to watch knowing this time that I was not going to participate at all.
I will say that I wished I could have had sex with her yesterday but, at the same time, we did share some moments that left me, so far, somewhat fulfilled. The thing I can say is that I know one of the differences in how I felt watching was that this time I knew it was something she truly wanted for herself right now and the strong feeling I had even while watching them was that maybe it's right to give her the room and time she wants to fulfill her desires.
The bedroom reeked of sex when I went into her after Paul left yesterday morning. More specific, it smelled a little sweaty and yes, there was that sweet scent of her in the air, but when I pulled the covers back a bit, the pungent smell of what I know to be Paul's cum seemed to fill the room. She didn't need to tell me anything about what they'd done that I may have missed, I'm actually going to say that at the time, I didn't want to know.
******
It wasn't really till early yesterday evening when we really had time to sit and talk more. We talked in general terms at first, how did I feel and how had I felt during the night. I told her that I had watched some from the doorway and was very turned on.
She asked me pointedly, "did you like it?" and I gave her an honest 'yes'. She smiled and I told her that it had turned me on to see her. She asked me why I didn't come in if I'd wanted to. I hesitated for a bit but then realized that if I can talk to her about everything else, that I should be able to talk to her about this too.
I told her (again) that I'd felt a little self-conscious about being shaved and she took my hand and she said she thought it might help me. I wasn't sure I understood what she meant so I asked her how.
She was very calm and apparently very honest in return, said that it did what she'd hoped and that was to make me self-conscious and therefore easier for me to not be there with them.
I know I just looked at her, surprised at how she'd thought this out but didn't tell her, at least not then. She continued and she said that she thought it would be easier on me if I wasn't there and wasn't so close to them 'as things get started' between them. She also said that she thought it was better for her too and told me how she'd felt different with him this time too.
The conversation was happening quickly and before I could go back to what I'd already wanted to ask about now I had to ask how she felt different.
She held my hand and she said something to the effect of it being the first time she'd believed that she'll be able to let herself go and do what she wanted. She looked at me and said that she loved having sex with him and, " … knowing I'm his for now".
I merely groaned in response as she continued and told me how Saturday night had been very intense for her as she slept next to him knowing that she would be awakened before he left and how, "I wanted it too".
I told her that I'd been asleep by then but that their earlier fun had aroused me incredibly. She asked me if I'd 'taken care of yourself' and I told her I hadn't, to which she smiled and said, "oh yeah, I remember." When I said that I was getting horny again, I thought maybe she would share some more details but the conversation went a different way.
She asked me how I felt to be bare 'down there' and I told her that I was much more aware of my cock and how hard; I told her 'how big' it looks. She smiled at hearing that and said that I do have a beautiful cock and asked me if I liked how it felt and I told her that it was nice. I admitted that, like she's said when she's bare, "it's just more sensitive" and that I enjoyed how it felt when I masturbate.
She smiled and said that she had hoped it was going to help me enjoy my own pleasure now, that she'd noticed that I was touching myself more in addition to 'just pulling on it'. She asked me if I was going to keep it bare and I answered, "if that was what you wanted"'.
She was honest and said that she liked it and then asked me, "what about how you'll feel around Paul?"
I told her that maybe I'd let the hair grow in a little bit on top so I'd feel less self-conscious. She smiled and said that would be nice if it made me more comfortable but that she liked it, "bare like me" too.
I thought maybe that was it and I wasn't sure what to say or think next until she said something that made me go back to the start of the conversation, she looked at me and said something like, " … besides, seeing you like that makes it easier for me to want Paul".
I turned to look at her and she smiled and giggled and said something to the effect of, " that you may look big, and I like that, but it also makes you look kinda less masculine too and baby, that fits with making it easier to want Paul!" I was going to say something but she immediately added, "it's just for now baby, it makes it easier for me.... okay?”
At that point I finally got to ask her where she was getting these ideas and how she knew or was thinking about this stuff. She surprised the heck out of me when she just said, "I've been doing some investigating on-line and a lot of this made sense." She claimed she'd found a website (or is that pen-pal who has been advising her?) that had a whole section of how to make 'denying your husband more enjoyable for him'. She looked at me and said, "remember baby, I told you I would try to make Wednesday's even more fun for us".
I guess that's when it really started to sink in that she was very serious about wanting this with Paul and that it was also very for real that I wasn't going to be getting anything sexually from her unless she wanted it. I took her hand and told her sincerely that I wanted her to fulfill whatever desire and need she felt and that I would give her the room and time as long as we stayed connected somehow.
She smiled at me and just said, "I'd watch you later tonight if you want to?”
******
The evening got away from us but when we got into bed last night she rolled over towards me and hugged me and thanked me for being such a unique person to let her do what she was doing. She gave me a wonderful kiss and a hug that conveyed more than a thousand words. When she pulled back from me she smiled and said, "I can feel it down there that you approve."
I just said, "sorry, but I can't help it". That made her giggle followed by an even more passionate kiss. She then whispered, "remember what I said earlier baby? .... I'd love to watch you if you still wanted to....”
I eagerly started to stroke and a moment later she smiled at me and said, "you can have a peek if you want to help you along …" and with that she wriggled in bed next to me and slid her long-night-shirt up over her waist. She lay back and for the first time she smiled and said, "you can look at Paul's pussy if you want to".
I turned to look at her lying back as she'd done beneath him and her pussy was still swollen and reddened (to me at least) and yes, still wet as I could see when she moved her fingers down there to gently rub at herself.
I must have been far hornier than I'd thought because as she dipped a finger and then two a few times into her vagina, I grunted and let go myself almost immediately.
She laughed and said, "Oh my, you must have been turned on for sure baby".
I laughed along with her when we looked at how much I had cum. I didn't comment that I noticed that she hadn't been wearing her rings now for a few days
******
It seems like Wednesday nights is when it is most easy for us to talk and last night we did cover a lot of stuff before getting round to the point in the evening when our, or rather, my clothes came off.
After dinner we had a glass of wine which we took to sit on the couch and started to talk. After we covered our respective days, she filled me in on the latest with her mom and their estate transition, then she looked at me and asked me again, "so baby, is everything okay with us?”
I told her that I was surprised that, so far, I was okay with things but that I did have some apprehensions and that I wasn't sure about how she was feeling or, and I said it, "where we're going to with everything".
She was very at ease with what I was asking as I made sure not to ask about when we'd have sex again or when she was going to be with Paul, etc. Instead, I pointed it to 'us'.
I told her that I was okay with what we were doing as long as we talked about things. She smiled at that and said that she was glad I had brought it up. She even apologized for 'not being here' due to having to deal with all the stuff with her ***.
I told her that she didn't need to apologize but that we did still need to make sure we talked 'in and out of the bedroom'..
I told her that I knew she wanted to make it be as real as it could be and that I didn't want to distract her from that. She smiled, pulled her legs up under her on the couch interrupted and said she appreciated hearing that from me. I then added that I still wanted to make sure that we were going to be good with each other and that we were still in sync.
I told her that it wasn't easy for me and that I appreciated her 'slow start' (which made her blush a bit) and she said that she wanted it to be good for her too, that she also didn't want to start too quickly and again mentioned still needing to be available for her sister and mom. I told her that was absolutely what I expected.
So she asked me exactly what it was I was apprehensive about and I told her honestly that I wasn't sure about how I was going to feel about giving up sex with her and that I thought these feelings were going to intensify over the next few weeks. Before she could answer I told her that I was concerned about these kinds of things not being easy to back away from.
I wasn't totally ready for what she said next. I won't try to quote it all because it'd just take too long but she surprised me first by saying that, "well, you only have to wait till the end of the month, remember honey?"
I told her I wasn't sure she was going to want to think about or talk about that right now. She smiled and said that she thought she was past that point now and that as long as it wasn't something I continually brought up to her, that it was surely something we could talk about and she even giggled and said, "I’m sure you miss it already, don't you?"
I answered with a honest yes and then asked her the same, "Do you miss it?".
She said she'd tell me honestly and said, " that right now, no, I don't really miss it," and she again mentioned how it’s easier for her now to separate us with me bare like I am.
I asked her what she meant and she smiled and said that I have a big cock but that seeing it without hair makes her separate me from how Paul looks and that helps her separate her desires too.
She asked me how it made me feel and I told her that it sort of turned me on and I reminded her how we'd done it many times together in the past. She said she remembered, ".. but that it felt different back then". She looked at me and said that she knew doing it this time, making me shave, would make me feel self-conscious too and that she thought it might help me, "get used to things".
I told her it did help but at the same time it made me very horny. She looked at me and said, "it turns you on the same way using the condoms do, doesn't it?" That she hoped it would, like the condoms, help me get used to giving it up.
I looked at her and she said that she wondered if maybe my having given that up before, "you know, cumming in me, that it would have maybe eased things for me a little bit " and how she thought maybe getting used to that would have made it easier to, " … you know, give up the rest....".
I hadn't thought about that before as all I'd been thinking was the delays and her 'slow start' . She said something to the effect of, " … you know, you haven't cum in me for so long that maybe this wouldn't have been such a big thing to, you know, stop up having sex with me for a while".
I looked at her and I told her honestly that I hadn't thought about
It's going to sound kind of surreal but we spent the next few minutes talking about how we both felt about that. We both admitted that it turned both of us on that I barely came in her in now almost 2 years and we talked VERY openly about that.
We've talked about this before but this time it did feel a little different and I told her so. She told me that she felt 'incredibly sexually empowered' (her words) by what we're doing and told me that, now, it very much turns her on that, "my husband doesn't cum inside me".
She asked me to tell her how I felt and I told her honestly, that it still really turned me on and, "tweaked my being a beta".
She looked at me and said that she loved me and loved that I could be comfortable with, "being the beta that you want to be." She told me that's part of what she is feeling, that she wants to make it good for me and that I shouldn't worry about it.
We should have talked more, but talking about condoms and this stuff, moved our talk from a regular conversation to being something very sexually charged. She started to tell me how erotic she feels when she knows that my cum wasn't in her and how erotic she thinks it is to watch me, " … like you're going to do later...".
She leaned in and started to kiss me and while we could have talked for hours more she started to tell me how erotic and how turned on it makes her feel to watch a guy cum along with the condom play. Then she said it, " … besides, watching you makes me even hornier for Paul baby....".
I turned to her and told her that as long as we could talk like we were that we can have fun with all of this. She giggled and reached down and felt my now hard cock and smiled and said, "mmmm, I so want to watch you baby".
So after some playful kissing and teasing (and a refill on the glass of wine) she encouraged me to strip down right there in the living room and to let her watch me masturbate right then and there.
I told her that it turned me on that she wanted me to shave and she said she hoped I understood, that she loved my 'big cock' but that for her, seeing it bare made it even more attractive!
She giggled and said that it makes her feel different when she sees Paul compared to me and again she asked me if I liked how it felt. I know it was a sexy moment and I shouldn't have said anything but I admitted to her that it gave me the same kind of sexy turn on as it feels to use condoms with her; that I have become very self-aware and very turned-on by how it feels and what it makes me think.
As I started to stroke she made a comment that I seemed to, "hold your balls more". I told her that the skin felt soft and it felt nice and made me feel turned on. She smiled and asked me if it helped me, "cum more?"
I nodded yes.
She kept smiling and said, "See, I know there's more fun we can have..... and in the living room tonight honey too! Let’s just not get any of your cum on the couch baby....” Fuck if I wasn't hard and hot already!
As I lay back on the couch she stood up in front of me and she said that she liked how it felt to turn me on and to know that she was pleasing me and I was enjoying it even if I also knew that was all I was going to be getting. She said it turned her on to feel this way and then for emphasis started to rub herself all over sexily over her clothes before carrying on teasing me by exposing her bra and then taking her top off and letting me see her sexy body but not her bare breasts.
She came over to me and straddled one of my legs and rubbed her crotch against it and she teased, "Paul's pussy is so hot and wet baby … ". I felt like she was someone else at moments; that's how exciting it was to be there.
She stepped back and slowly unbuttoned and slid down her pants. Playfully she let her panties slip down low enough to let me know she's still bare but just before her pussy came into view she moved her hand to cover and block my sight. Her panties dropped to her knees as she stepped out of her pants but with her hand still covering her pussy she then pulled up the panties with the other to cover herself. The hand that had been covering her pussy was then bought to my mouth and nose and she giggled and said, " … see? Paul's pussy.”
I laughed and said, "I know .." but then I moaned when I saw her finger glistening a little and the sweet scent reached my nose.
She stood there in panties and a bra watching me masturbate and I swear it felt like the sexiest moment I've had with her in ages. She continued to teased me, leaning forward and letting me just peek at the tops of her breasts and nipples, then at other times pulling the panties up tight against her pussy and showing me her camel-toe outline. Another time, she pulled the crotch of her panties out a bit and let me see the dampened center but all the time, no matter what she was doing, she kept talking to me about seeing me cum and how it turned her on that I really was so much into it.
I told her how it turned me on to know what I was giving up with her and she moved closer to me and held my free hand and she said she knew it did. I think I gave away what was on my mind when she said, "so baby, we can always have fun like this no matter what … " and then she added, " … I'll always want to watch you, even if we're not having sex baby....”
That did it, it just came spurting out of me. She shrieked at the first spurt and leaned back and we then both watched the rest land on my stomach and chest until my cock was all shriveled up.
******
Paul is due to be here in another hour or so, running late with the rainy weather. No matter, it's also time for a new book.
*******
