Journal of a Journey - Book #132

She's texted me to let me know she is on her way home now from the mall and says it's too nice out to be shopping any longer. While she was out I went in to get washed up and took a shower. I had some new thoughts while I was in there and just had to put them into words while they were still in my head.

Standing in the shower I was very self-aware and thoughts that my cock may never be inside her again was strangely arousing to me, as I've long said. As I soaped my cock and balls, I concentrated on washing my pubes and concluded that if she wants my cock bare, then she can do it, and that way she can have me looking as she wants.

I thought about that for the rest of my shower and how I'd feel truly giving myself over to her like that. I decided it felt good and that it was probably the best thing to get my mind around, how to best get used to what we were going to be doing.

But it's funny how your mind works and just 15 minutes ago as I stood there drying myself off I gave my cock a few strokes and I somehow came to a different conclusion, the thought that I’m being very selfish.

Of course, it's thinking of me when I say that I’m going to miss the feeling of her sexually, but I've come to think that maybe I’m being selfish too. I think this belief has come to me now, that my 'need' to get off inside her or to feel her like that is truly just my own need, not something she may need in the same way. I guess, in that sense, I feel a little selfish, feeling I just have to have this with her because I need it physically.

I know this probably won't make any sense when I read it back to myself later on but, right now, I have this almost strange new viewpoint about all of this. Why shouldn't I encourage and be supportive of her? She's supported and gone along with everything I’ve ever wanted to do from skiing to scuba diving to motorcycles to friends that she didn't always like, etc.

The truth is that if she wanted something more with Paul she could have done it any time with or without my approval or agreement. It's not like he's never fucked her and it's not like we've not been moving in this direction for a long time now. I suddenly almost feel foolish for having put my physical need to cum in her above what she obviously feels she needs as a woman, a beautiful woman, who is facing maybe what is a mid-life crisis of her own.

So, as I said, she's always encouraged and supported me, and now that I can see that I've been maybe looking at this selfishly. It's a very odd viewpoint to have.

It DOES turn me on knowing what she wants to do, it DOES, and as she's long said, why am I fighting it? Is it just because I need to cum inside her? That seems very shallow and self-indulgent now that I have this strange new introspective view on all of this.

I enjoy what we're doing; I enjoy now that Paul may be the only guy to cum in her again. I want that for us if it’s what she wants and, yes, it turns me on hugely that I've given that up willingly and now, enjoyably.

If she wants something more between her and Paul, then I seem to have this strange new attitude that says, "Okay, then let’s just do it". Maybe I could tell this to Paul now, that I can see that some of how I've been behaving could appear to Suzanna to be selfish at times.

Does this make any sense?


Right now, Suzanna has just left for work and I am soon to follow but I have to say that I am sort of numb and I don't think it's fully sunk in yet what we've done and put in motion. There's just too much to try to share other than it was very bittersweet at times last night. I don't think she wanted to have felt as responsive as she was, but at the same time, I don't think she minded.

Before I even attempt to write about last night, let me recall, while it's fresh in my mind, yesterday afternoon when she came to me and said, "Let’s get started now". She was talking very sexily and I wasn't sure what she was suggesting but I was open to it.

We lay in bed for a while kissing, hugging, and talking. At first, the conversation was very much about things in general, about how much we were looking forward to the fall change of season and things like going to see the foliage and different places and restaurants we wanted to try out. Then we began to talk about us and what we were about to do. She held me tightly and told me that just because we won't be having sex in the future doesn't mean we can't be close and we lay there for a while together just holding each other.

I told her the truth, I backed away from my epiphany about being selfish but did tell her that I loved her and that I wanted to be supportive of what she wanted to do. She in turn told me how wonderful I was as a husband to be okay with it. I told her that I was cautious but admitted that it turned me on very much. She smiled took my hand and guided one finger between her legs and then inside her and she hissed, "I've been wet like this since yesterday baby".

I thought we might be getting started and I wasn't wrong, but it was just in a different way. She looked at me and said, "I want to shave you now". I was a bit stunned as I thought it might be something we'd do together. But she said that she wanted to do it and that she wanted to have fun and to, "take my time with it".

I told her I was nervous and surprisingly, at first when she slid my shorts and boxers off, my cock wasn't hard. She giggled and said, "I'll be very careful" and then she held my soft cock, looked up at me, and said, "I'll bet he's all hard when I'm done".

I told her okay and she said that she'd do the first part, " … but then I want you to do the rest with me" so she told me to lay still, went into the bathroom to return with the scissors she used to trim her hair.

She giggled as my cock grew in her hand and she said, "Oh, good boy, this will make it easier," and she just pushed it from side to side as she clipped off as much of my pubes as she could. When I stood up off the bed, the towel I had been sitting on had most of my curly hair on it and I suddenly felt quite naked in front of her. She smiled as I stood up and observed her handiwork and said, "You need to do the rest and I'll show you how" and, as my stiff cock began to bob away in front of me as we walked into the bathroom, she turned to me and said, "I want to watch you".

She sat me on the toilet handed me some new shaving gel she had and told me to spread it around she then gave me her safety razor and said, "If I can do it myself, you can do yours …" she showed me how to angle the razor then said, " … do it".

My god, it felt so erotic to hold my cock out taut and then run the razor up the shaft and then down onto my balls. She showed me how to stretch my leg in one direction or another to get underneath and when I said I was done, she said, "I'll be the judge of that … " and asked me if I'd let her 'finish up'.

I said okay and she giggled and said that we should do it as they do it in the salons when you 'get a full wax'. I had no idea what she meant until she told me to lie back and pull my legs back. I nearly jumped when she smeared the shaving gel all over under my balls and down to my ass, but she calmed me and said, "It’ll take just a second more" and sure enough, I felt the razor quickly make short work of removing any remaining hair. When I was done she said, "Nice, now jump in the shower baby".

We've shaved my cock before but previously it was something we did as a fun goof, did it for laughs. This time she'd been a bit more serious and with what was coming, standing in the shower I suddenly realized why she'd asked to do this. I became hugely self-conscious about what we were going to do and what I was going to give up. When I looked down at my bare cock I got a strong impression that she'd done this to make me very self-conscious and she was right. In the past when we'd done it together, I'd felt big and horny. This time, I honestly found myself feeling like a little kid.

As I washed up and felt the now incredibly smooth skin, I had this distinct feeling wash over me that maybe this was what she'd wanted, to have me be very aware of my cock. As I washed it, all I could think about was how more intense things were going to be this way.

When I came out of the shower she turned me around to 'inspect' me then she kissed me and told me she liked how it looked on me. She then looked me in the face and said very meaningfully, "Now, if you feel like I do when I'm bare down there, you know how fully exposed I feel!"

I had to agree with her. It was very hard getting out of the shower but at the same time, I also knew that it wasn't going to happen now and that she very much wanted me to spend the rest of the afternoon being very aware of how my cock felt.

I need to end this now but will share that when we did get undressed later I did very much feel as she'd said I would, incredibly exposed to her and feeling incredibly BETA-ish too. She smiled at me and said how much easier it was going to be for her to see my cock like this and having it give her a different feeling than when she sees Paul's cock.

I didn't ask her to specifically explain but I have to admit this morning in the shower when I masturbated that I felt like a pre-teen with my cock being so slick and hairless. In a way, it's something that I think she knew would reinforce everything with me.

I know we've taken a huge step and to be honest, with my balls as empty as they are right now, I also know it hasn't fully sunk in yet.


We talked briefly earlier this evening when she came to me and asked me if we were okay. I told her yes and, what I'd said already about it, that for me it's not sinking in yet.

She did however tell me that she intends on seeing Paul on Thursday and then asked me if I would be comfortable with him coming over during the weekend. I asked if he would be staying the night and she said that 'they' hadn't talked about it yet, again with her uncertainty about his golf schedule. She mentioned the weather this past weekend had impacted some tournaments he's playing in and had caused a change in his plans for this weekend. She also said that it was OK with her as she wanted to start slowly with all of this.

I will share that, as part of our evening, I did take the exquisite pleasure of taking a turn in shaving her bare. We both laughed when I told her it was time to let me get in all the nooks and crannies just as she'd done to me (which, by the way, I told her had turned me on by having let her do it to me). It was something beyond surreal as I got in close and she spread her legs wide letting me see everything.

I asked her honestly, as if we were two 'girlfriends' if she enjoyed doing this for Paul and she blushed and said, "Yes". and proceeded to tell me how she now enjoys feeling that way around him, knowing it's all for him. I told her that our conversation was turning me on and she smiled.

So far there's been no major change in any of our other routines, she still walked around naked after her shower this morning knowing that later I will be in here in the Den masturbating thinking about her before joining her in bed. So, for at least for tonight, she won't be feeling much of a hard-on in her back!


I am trying to go along with her idea of making this seem real. Yes, her earlier comments were that she thought this would be something that would pass; that either she or he would perhaps tire of it; that the role-playing would come to an end.

She did imply somewhat of a timeframe of a few months, I conjectured that it perhaps be around Christmas. However, I will also say that I think my acquiescence to everything may have encouraged her to think perhaps longer in timeframes therefore I wasn't surprised at her mention of extending this into our ski season since I expect she will want to experience that too.

So while I am trying to adhere to her request to make it seem real, I am also going to keep her to her part of the agreement. That is, for us to talk openly and frequently and, yes, for us to physically reconnect as we'd planned.


I will say that I do have some concerns and thoughts about whether she truly enjoys or wants this, that it becomes more of the dynamic between us two, and that Paul is replaced by someone else, just not me sexually. I know that's also something that we will have to deal with but at the same time, it's not something that I think she could look forward to right now.

I do not know just yet how this will take hold with Suzanna and how or what she may come to feel. I surely was not anticipating this to be our new state of being ad infinitum, forever. These are surely things we will need to talk over as time comes to pass. I will admit to feeling some anxiety already regarding the changes we have made when I let myself consider if it could be a permanent change.

At the same time, in the short term, even with thinking of it as 'real' and going with it all, I have to say it's exhilarating to know what we've done and to think and anticipate what may come. Our pillow talk is equally intense and exhilarating! I am still not totally 'believing' what we've done and I suspect it won't be until after this coming weekend is over when I'll be reckoning with the reality of it all.

I have been considering telling Paul more about what we are doing. I've thought of saying it as though I am having some ED issues and that the 'stress to perform' sometimes is at play so we are going to take a break sexually and allow me to get myself back together. If I tell him that during this break, he will be her only sex partner, I think it's something that might make him, and I, feel more at ease around each other moving forward.

I haven't shared that thought with Suzanna yet; hope to later tonight.


Something that is also giving me pause for thought is that when it comes down to it, I am finding that I am enjoying and truly, sincerely, do want this type of beta relationship with her. It is as surprising to me as it is to her but I honestly do feel very calm and serene, so much more than before. Sexually, I feel very relaxed but confident with her and that is something that is making me, think and talk more openly.

However, I also think we are both perhaps a bit too new to this new change to know how it is going to work out for us just yet.


I’m not sure where to start as last night was a somewhat new experience with yet more surprises in store.

It was a surprise for me in how I felt last night with her. She was for the most part no different than in past weeks, we kissed and cuddled and she would tease and taunt me as I would start to masturbate with her. I do love what we've come to share this way and I am looking forward to what she's said about wanting to find ways to make this even better for me (and I told her so last night). The surprises were in what else she told me which included her confirming that once things get started with Paul, for some time she may start to wear panties more around me. As she said, " … to put my mind into things more fully!"

She also shared that seeing my bare cock made it easier in her mind to separate the two of us. She added that she didn't feel it made me any less masculine.

I have my doubts that she truly believes that.

I have those doubts because the surprise I felt was that being bare like that seemed to emphasize or amplify the feeling of being the beta for her.

I was fully erect and stroking away as she told me this and I am sure she knew it was turning me on. She began the tease me, " …. not being inside me anymore" and, my god, did it get to me. I felt every emotion and feeling at the same time and as I was stroking my stiff cock I almost had a tear in my eye at the same time. She knew what she was saying was getting to me and she held me and said she wanted to watch me and that I should just enjoy myself now.

I told her it turned me on what we were doing and that I was sure I would get used to it over time. She held me and giggled, "You sure enjoy condoms now don't you honey?”

It struck me how she said that at that moment as if it were just a normal part of our relationship now. I moaned back that I did and she cooed in my ear that she loved all of this stuff we were doing and that she couldn't wait to do more with Paul.

By this time I was very close to cumming (she commented on how turned on I seemed to be) she must have known that I needed a bit more to push me over. She whispered that "it's so hot that you don't cum in me anymore …" The way she said it was the trigger and I started to gush, and I do mean gush. Even Suzanna took a breath when she watched me pump out a good 6 or 7 spurts of cum followed by me grunting as more dribbled out.

"Oh my god, that's a lot baby! …." was the first thing she said before adding, " … oh god, that's so hot". I lay there with my eyes closed and then she kissed me passionately before pulling away and telling me she loved me.

I know it may sound strange but at that moment, there was no doubt about us, there was just this very close feeling between us that was undeniable. She looked down and as usual, lovingly collected up my cum and we shared it as we kissed some more. It was only as I was doing this with her that I realized she had left her bra and panties on the whole time and I asked her if she was 'starting now'. She smiled and said, "No, it just happened .... I was having too much fun with you....”

We kissed and talked more. One of the first things she said to me while shaking my cock was, "This isn't why I love you baby", a remark which confused me a little but then she held me and told me she loved me even more now that I am truly showing myself to her.

I told her I liked hearing that but that I still wasn't sure about what I wanted or what I was feeling. She simply said that I shouldn't overthink things and that I should just be like I am, " … let yourself be how you're most comfortable". She hugged me and said that it was very sexy and that she felt close to me that I was able to let her see this side of me and that I should know she will always be there for me.

I will say that it felt very weird to be talking like this and I told her that it was going to take me more time to get that comfortable. She hugged me and told me to just tell her what was good for me and what wasn't. Then she giggled and said, "It sure looked like tonight was good .... was it?”

It was hard at first for me to say it but I nodded and told her 'yes' and then told her a little more of what turned me on. She smiled and just said, "I know baby..... I know....”


She is seeing him this afternoon/evening but again told me that, "it won't be too late" and said that she had wanted to start things slowly and build up. We only talked briefly about what she is telling Paul but I also looked at her last night and said that I could maybe see telling Paul more if I continued to feel comfortable in my skin and with what we're doing. She smiled and said, "That would be wonderful."


I'm still trying to assemble my thoughts and how to share the emotions and feelings of what we did on Monday. Obviously from a physical perspective, she played up that it would ('possibly', but not mentioned) be my last time enjoying intercourse with her and all of that.

We most definitely both enjoyed the physical feelings with each other and I will truly never forget how intense she made it, the build-up to a huge climax with her, resulting in what I can only say I was quite proud of regarding how much cum I seemed to be able to produce when properly stimulated!

It was quite the bittersweet feeling though after it was over and she reached down and pulled my condom-covered cock out one last time (as she almost proudly mentioned as she did so).

What I am still really coming to terms with is how I feel about all of this. So far it's not nearly as scary as I'd thought. Then again, tonight may bring those feelings I'm already wary of having, of how I'm going to feel when she comes home later knowing she's had sex again and I will not.


I truly do feel this has been something that has been brewing in me for a long time. I know that I've long looked back to things in the past that I'd felt affected me significantly and, now looking back, some of it makes a lot more sense to me. I know that despite Suzanna's increased affection and involvement with Paul (and with Robert before) despite it, I've felt closer and more comfortable with her throughout. In a sense, I look at it as something of an evolution.

I don't know if this will all work for me, even now as I contemplate her seeing him before coming home, I am finding myself sometimes focusing on seeing and knowing but no longer being invited to or able to touch or participate. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about it.


I have been thinking of talking to Paul a bit more and trying to open things up. I had thought of telling him that the ED thing comes and goes and that rather than disappointing her sometimes, 'we' thought taking a break from sex together with me exercising and eating right, etc. to work things out was the way to go and that's why things are happening the way they are between him and Suzanna. The crazy part is that I'd also contemplated whether I'd possibly tell him that this sort of played into some of the more kinky stuff in both of our heads.

I need to talk with Suzanna about this a bit more and make sure she agrees with it and see how she thought it would play out with him.

I also realize that I need to be supportive of her and I am doing my best. She also knows that making this as good for me benefits her so I think she will be considerate of what goes on between us and what she asks of me. I do think that somewhere in her mind, my cock being shaved bare is somehow emasculating and probably helps her justify what she's doing.

All I can say is that while I surely miss her coming home to me, knowing she will be with him soon is intensely arousing to me.


I've wondered several times now if my 'manscaping' makes me somehow appear less masculine to Suzanna. I'm not sure about that and wonder if the 'less masculine' perception is just my interpretation of being hairless. What it certainly does is emphasize the difference between my cock and Paul's. Suzanna is probably playing with things as well, knowing that being shaved bare will both embarrass me some and make me think about my shaved area more and be more self-conscious, which will play into and fuel my beta thoughts.

I shouldn't be feeling embarrassed, after all, you only have to look at any porn to see lots of guys who are shaved. Likewise, we have seen it quite commonly at the nude beach too so it's nothing to worry about. However, having said that, it does make me feel in some ways like a little boy just as Suzanna's said that she too feels like a pre-pubescent teen when she first shaved her pussy. Hopefully, over time it becomes less of a thought. What I do know is that she loved watching me last night and that part of her enjoyment was how I looked.

She texted me a little while ago that she'd be leaving work at about 4:30 p.m. (30 minutes from now) to go to his place and that she'd likely be home before 8 p.m. if I wanted to wait for dinner. I have asked her what Paul thinks about these kinds of visits. In the past, she's giggled, "he knows I'm horny".


We, or rather, she is on her way with Paul. She came home about 8 pm last night as planned and we had a late dinner (just pasta, nothing special) but we talked before, during and after dinner during which she told me about her time with Paul, not in a gory minute by minute details, but instead (at least it felt to me) like she was talking to a girlfriend about it.

She told me how she'd seemed more aware of how sexy she felt when she got there and she said for the first time (I guess she'd stopped?) she went into his room and got changed right away into one of his dress shirts. She teased me about how she left her panties on under his shirt at first and, I can't explain how it was different but it felt as if she were telling me what happened as opposed to sharing it with me in a way.

We sat on the couch in the living room after dinner which was when she told me (again) how horny she was for him and how she had started to begin to let the new reality of our relationship sink in.

There was a short lull in the conversation which was broken when she announced to me, "I'm still very wet down there, you know!"

I sort of gulped which made her giggle and say, " .. and it feels good sitting like this right now," (with her feet under her and to the side). She just said it, like she might have said it to a roommate or girlfriend. I told her it made me horny to hear that and she giggled and then said, "Let's go upstairs in a little bit and you can see for yourself".

She stood there by the bed and I wasn't sure what she was going to let or want me to do. She took her top off and slid off her pants leaving her in just a bra and panties. As she unclasped her bra she said, "You can take my panties off if you want …" then as I reached out for them she added as she looked down at me, " … you can look honey.... but you know.... don't touch too much."

I stopped for a moment with my hands on her panties as I looked up at her and she said something to the effect of 'You knew it would be like this' and, "It's the first time," and that, "soon, but let’s get this into more of a thing first".

I guess I had a look in my eye and she giggled and did that eye-roll thing and said, "Oh, okay.... go on, take them off and you can take a little lick …. if that's what you want".

I will say that it felt like something new again as I sat at the edge of the bed and began to slide her panties down. I had that 'first-date' feeling again of not knowing what I was going to find as I slid them off all the way. Her bare hips appeared first then the bare top where her pubes would have been. I felt my cock start to throb when the hood and then her still swollen clit and labia appeared. It was still a little swollen as I slid them down further and as she spread her legs and then stepped out of her panties, the lips separated and revealed what I already recognized as being her wet and well-used pussy.

She lay back on the bed and let me see everything. A lot of his cum was visibly soaked into her panties but as she spread her legs for me (yes, 'for me' and that felt good) I could see she was still wet inside. I don't necessarily recall anything for the next moment after that as I just found myself staring at her pussy again only this time, I knew it felt different to me. The next thing I remember is feeling her hand on my forehead and hearing her say, " … go on, just like it used to be... just stay on the outside honey".

It seemed like everything was magnified, I swear the entire room smelled like sex and cum right then as I leaned forward to get closer. She let me put my hands on her upper thighs and push her further apart and even though there wasn't a flood of cum, when I leaned in and took my first lick of the outside of her pussy, the taste of Paul’s cum was unmistakable.

She held my forehead back and after just a few moments of licking all around, when she felt my tongue probe in too much, she pushed me away fully and said, "That's enough, that's all baby, let me enjoy it".

I sat back on my feet on the bed as she slid up against the headboard and smiled and said. "we talked about this baby... I know it's not easy for you....." and as she pulled her night-shirt on and hiked her butt up to pull it down lower when she sat back down she put her arms out and motioned for me to come closer for a hug and a kiss. As we kissed she whispered in my ear, "If you need to take care of yourself, baby, that's okay... you know... now or later.... if you need to".

I resisted the urge and instead (it'll sound crazy) we spooned up at that point turned the TV on and cuddled in. Yes, she felt my hard cock against her back and she even put her hand on it and said, "Are you sure baby?"

I pulled and hugged her even closer and said, "It's okay baby, it feels good to be horny around you".

Even without seeing her face, I knew she was smiling from how she felt against me.


I'm not sure just where she's going or what she's thinking.

This morning she didn't seem to mind me peeking at her or seeing her naked before her shower but afterward, she was coy and pulled on her panties much sooner than usual and proceeded to wear them while she was in front of the mirror dealing with her make-up and such; she's usually naked doing that.

She didn't say anything and neither did I but I am hard and horny now in general.

Whether that's what she views as how we'll remain 'connected' somewhat sexually isn't something I can tell yet. What I can say is that last night I felt very different lying next to her like that both while and after my hard-on faded a bit. In one way I so wanted to put my hands on her breasts and to pull her close and nuzzle and kiss her neck and shoulders, but I also knew that she didn't want that and that that was probably more than she'd want in general.

She rolled over and fell asleep again before me and I again lay there next to her with the most intense feelings; horny and yet somehow I have to say that it almost felt good to, in a way, know she didn't want me and that if I was horny that I was free to relieve myself.


Since Monday I have continually been trying to sort out my feelings.

Monday and I had perhaps the most intense orgasm I've felt in a long long time and the closeness and intimacy that we shared in building to it will not be something easily forgotten. I can still remember some of these thoughts and feelings quite vividly and some were refreshed and reinforced last night too.

There was a feeling of almost electricity between us. I can't describe it exactly but it was incredibly exciting even if it did have this sense of foreboding attached too. I know that I felt almost in awe of her when I was done and we were lying there while I was still inside her. The thought of her only squeezing Paul's cock as she'd done mine was and is still consuming me.

The definite desire to do it and the feelings associated with it are still something that both surprise me and scare me. When we were fucking, I have to say that a part of me was truly excited and eager to let this 'last time' happen; to feel the intensity of the moment knowing what it meant and in the end, to not try to hold back and make it last just a bit longer, instead to plunge back into her as firmly as I could and to fully experience what I knew might be the last orgasm we might share that way.

As crazy and scary as it sounds to say, it was a huge turn-on for me that night and, strangely, still is right now.

That is perhaps the feeling that I hadn't expected and what I think in my head is convincing me that I truly do want the beta lifestyle. Even now while I do miss fucking her, at the same time it feels strange to say it but it's true, a huge part of me doesn't want to and can even appreciate not doing so. I can't explain it but after last night, I think I feel more comfortable that there will be an acceptable level of closeness between us it's making me think that this is what I wanted too, to feel the desire for her but not be able to satisfy it.

I don't know that it all makes sense to me yet, I believe I am going to surely feel more of the downside issues as the weekend comes to play out.

The last she told me (which could change tonight) was that he would be coming over either late tomorrow (Saturday) or again, later on Sunday but he will not be spending the night.

"Not yet..... but soon....," as she put it.


I think there may have only been once, maybe twice, that I've slept in the same bed or room as them when he's been here at our house so I have no illusions about spending the night with them. I have always stayed in our office/guest room which is close enough to hear them through the vents in the house.

I expect no change to this arrangement in the future. As far as how often or how much I'll be 'allowed' to watch will be up to her to say. Most of the time neither of them minds me watching from the doorway but I also know there are times when she wants her privacy. A part of me is also thinking that this too may ease up as I know she's been reluctant to let me see the full level of intimacy they share at times as she knows I've been kind of sensitive to their post-coital embrace, kissing, and closeness.


I've been thinking that if I could somehow become comfortable enough to let Paul know about my beta desires more fully without feeling so darn self-conscious about it all, it might change the dynamics between all of us.

I'll probably let Suzanna decide on this course of action to see if it makes sense to her or if she'd rather me not.


I am finding myself in front of the computer most evenings now before bed. I suspect she knows this is when I clear my head before bed (well, and maybe take care of business). It is very erotic right now to see her trying to be more nonchalant about things in general but at the same time showing a bit of modesty regarding letting me see her. She did let me watch her undress but she almost immediately pulled on her night-shirt. I don't think it was intended to shun me, I don't think she even knew (or cared?) that I saw her.

To share what I'm feeling. It's (still) very exciting but I also know this will be the first weekend when I will truly feel the loss of being with her. I don't think it's truly settled in yet and I'm all over the place. Right now the idea that the place between her legs is no longer for me is incredibly arousing, but it's arousing in a deeper more intense sort of way than just seeing a porn video or reading a story. But then again I am sure my view is colored by the fact that I like her fucking Paul and Robert before that … and before that …. and before that!

I do understand not to rush things so it's going to be interesting to see how Sunday turns out when he comes over for a while, to see if anything is different, or to see what she has in mind. I'm quite sure we'll be talking more about it tomorrow.

I do understand about letting things develop on their own regarding what she wants to tell Paul too, I'm not going to push or try to force a conversation about it if she's not ready. So again, my thought is we'll likely talk about this and more with the house to ourselves tomorrow.


Once again, a ****** situation threatens to make our best-laid plans go awry. Suzanna has just taken a call from her Mother which doesn't sound good.