Book #131
******
******
She's gone off to shop right now so I have some time to myself and to get a few thoughts written down.
I have to say that there's a newfound feeling of easiness between us. At one point last night she mentioned that she could see how it could turn me on, my knowing that they're together in the morning; him 'taking my place'. She said that there's a lot more stuff that makes sense to her now about what does and what doesn't turn her on.
During our talk last night, she asked me if giving up sex with her might be the point that gets me most aroused and turned on; and if what I said was true about it being more and more of a turn-on each time. Again, it was something that I'd not thought about in that way and it was interesting to hear her try to understand how that could now arouse me even more, like intensifying the feelings that using condoms had built up.
If I didn't love her and truly feel that I could trust her with myself, I don't know that I could have talked to her this way in the way that we are now doing. At that moment it was easy to tell her, yes, that it could be what I would feel and I told her that this was perhaps the closest I'd ever felt to the core of my arousal.
She told me it was really beautiful and special that we could share this even if it wasn't something 'normal' and that it was something we were okay with.
When she asked about seeing Paul later today, I did ask her, "What about tomorrow?" and she smiled and said that she wanted to make 'these last few times' be good for me and that she knew I was going to want her tomorrow and that she wanted me too.
I didn't tell her (yet) that hearing her say that like that really turned me on but, rather, I've decided to go along with her wishes and not talk about anything until after the holiday next weekend. If she truly wants me to leave her to be with just Paul, then that is what I am going to try to do for her and to only share my desire for her if she asks me or wants to know.
I feel very odd saying that right now but it is what she asked.
With her not seeing Paul over the holiday weekend, we both know that the last 2 condoms will be used that weekend. With the house to ourselves, my current thought/hope is to use one on Saturday night and then the second on Monday.
She hasn't yet mentioned what she is thinking.
*******
We shuttled our ******** off to school today which was good because it gave us some time alone last night without the worry that we might be disturbed. I have to say the atmosphere became quite erotic after our ******** had left, especially the moment when Suzanna enjoyed telling me she was going off to see her lover.
I had an evening alone and had no great expectations but when she got home though, she was far more amorous than I'd expected her to be although she reminded me, several times, that I wouldn't be having sex with her.
We went up to the bedroom and she changed out of her clothes, getting naked in front of me and then just pulling on her nightshirt. She looked at me and said that she was thinking of things that would probably turn me on and then, she gave me a look and asked if I wanted to know what she was thinking.
I nodded yes and she smiled and said, "I already know it turns you on that my pussy is still really wet from him, is that true?" She hugged me and kissed me when I said, "Yes."
She held me and asked me if I wanted to know how she felt; I hesitatingly but also clearly said, "Yes."
She kissed me on the cheek and then on the lips and proceeded to tell me how she undressed for him; how she lay on his couch and how he licked and sucked at her pussy till she orgasmed. She looked at me and said, "I could feel his tongue in me as I knew I was getting wet …" After a second she added, " … and he could tell when I came for him."
She hugged me and told me that she loved how he barely let her come down from that orgasm before he pushed, " … the big head of his cock into me". As we held each other she told me how she felt herself let go with him and how by the time he was fucking her, she was almost squirting each time he'd push into her (a bit of exaggeration but, then again, she's gotten so wet sometimes with me that her wetness has done that).
At that moment, there was no way she could miss seeing my hard cock and know that she had made me feel so horny, it was also a moment I didn't want to end.
She kissed and hugged me then, looking again at my cock, told me that she loved feeling his cock in her and that she was still wet thinking about him, that she loved thinking about what we were going to be doing next weekend, before she pulled back, looked at me and said, "I do so love you … "
A second later, added, " …. but I'd rather just kind of enjoy it baby …" and asked if it'd be okay if we waited till Sunday (today). She hugged me again, she looked at me, and said, "Tell me honestly if that's OK."
I looked at her and with my stiff cock pulsing and dribbling pre-cum, I told her I understood and that I wasn't going to ask for things she wasn't going to want. She smiled when I hugged her and told her, "I'd love to wait till tomorrow."
She reached down, held my hard cock, and said, "I know it turns you on to be all horny and waiting for me … " then she kissed me and added, " …. let's save it for tomorrow".
It took a little while for my cock to calm down and even longer for the wet spot on my boxers to dry. By the time we were both washed up and ready for bed my erection had begun to subside but that state didn't last long. We got into bed, she kissed me and then snuggled up in front of me and giggled when she felt me begin to throb against her back. She took my hand and brought it down between her legs and she pulled up the front of her night-shirt and whispered to me, "You can give it a little feel if you want … but that's all".
I couldn't resist, even though I knew my cock would soon be hard again as I felt the warmth of her tender skin, I just had to feel. As I slid my hand downward she raised her knee to let my fingers have better access and feel it all. The upper part just felt so warm and maybe a bit swollen but as my fingers danced down the sides of her pussy I could feel the wetness and confirm where all the warmth was coming from.
She covered my hand with hers and held my fingers back from penetrating her but let me feel enough to know she was quite wet. I softly stroked back and forth and just a few minutes later heard her breathing become quite deep as she fell asleep, leaving me to enjoy lying there with a huge hard-on pressing against her back.
*******
We have a bottle of champagne on ice in the kitchen waiting for after dinner when we can enjoy our empty nest ourselves without worrying about noise. She's been very passionate and affectionate all day long and has kept me on edge at many times including letting me watch her as she changed into her blue bikini to lie out in the backyard.
I've also thought about what we talked about. In some ways, I feel naked around her now that we've come to mutually understand what seems to turn me on the most and how it does feel more intense as we move towards next weekend. I can't explain it but somehow, I am surely both dreading it as well as eagerly awaiting it. Whatever my feelings, she truly does seem to understand.
Another thing, is I also now realize is perhaps her adaptation to want to fit her desires, however they've changed or grown, to fit with mine. I don't think any wife has in mind to deny her husband sex to please him, but she seems to have to come around to her way to enjoy this with me and for herself.
Let me run before my cock gets too hard so that it's sticking out of my bathing suit. Perhaps it might be better to go naked and, who knows, no kids tonight if it's a night with no moon maybe we'll do some skinny-dipping in the pool and maybe even mess around a bit out in the backyard. I can only hope.
******
I feel I am going in a million directions all at once. It is exhilarating but also tiring in a way. It was very erotic to share things more openly with her and for her to do so in return. She repeated her desire to make this as real as possible and I told her that I wanted to do it that way too. I promised her that as long as we had our time in October I would make it as real as I could too. She asked me if it turned me on to think about it being for real and I told her that it was very intense for me to think about.
She then said something to me that made me pause for a bit and she knew it. She told me that ever since 'coming out' (she now also very much agrees that for me it very much was like how a gay person must feel letting their closest know) with me wanting to be the beta that she says I do seem so much more content, happy and relaxed. As she said it, " … satisfied and almost docile at times".
She looked at me and once again thanked me for allowing her to enjoy this time for herself, for us to have allowed ourselves to both be agreeable and in the right place to try this out meant something to her. Her openness also included what she termed her being more in control when she reminded me that, "betas don't get to cum inside … " and she looked at me meaningly and said, " … that part IS for real baby until you change your mind".
I groaned and she teased a bit more before easing off and told me, " … it's okay baby, I told you, I find the way you are very sexy now".
With the way that we were, both just talking so easily, it just sort of came out of my mouth when I said, "I told you the other day that it turns me on as well." She smiled at me and kissed me.
The night-stand drawer was open and she saw me looking towards it as we sat and knelt and moved around the bed. She looked sexy with a loose silky top on and 'tap pants' (that's what she says they are) that were loose enough to let me peek up the leg just a bit. When I looked back to her she asked, "Are you still horny thinking about it?"
I nodded my head and said that I was sure I was going to have reservations right up to the end but I held her hand and just told her that I was ready to give her the experience she wanted and for me to feel what I wanted at the same time.
She said that she likened it to our decision, or any other couple's decision, to be with another guy in the first place was a mutual thing. She promised that, as she cupped my cock and felt it rising to the occasion, " … even though 'this guy' won't be going in me anymore, it doesn't mean I don't still love it". She looked at me and said that she had begun to enjoy being with me when I masturbate and she said that she is thinking of things to make that even better for me.
I must say the freedom of having the house to ourselves was very liberating I told her that I wanted to feel very animated and she giggled, "You can chase me around if you want and you can have me when you catch me," and with that, she rolled away from me on the bed to the other side and a moment later she was out the door.
I did chase after her, my hard-on making my boxers quite tight as I went down the stairs. I looked but didn't find her in either the kitchen or living room but did find her in the den, my sanctuary, and for a moment there was an incredibly passionate moment as I kissed her and fumbled and slid her bra down to hold her firmly against my bare chest. She was breathing heavily as I pushed her back against the wall and ground myself against her.
She let me slide the bottoms off and she stood there with just her bra around her waist as I ran my fingers down between her legs to feel her most tender place. At that moment, I truly had second thoughts about what we were doing.
She spread her legs slightly by moving her feet apart giving me better access and as we kissed for just a moment a million thoughts went through my head. I could feel her pussy lips separate and I followed them down with her moaning the whole time until my fingers felt the wetness start. My cock was rock hard sticking out of my boxers right then but the thought that was turning me on, honestly, was 'Am I a cuck or what?' That thought was quickly followed and turned me on even more at that moment, was thinking that it was Paul's cum I was feeling in her!
She was quite open and I ran my fingers around her swollen pussy. She moaned her approval and then she looked at me in the eye and said, "We should go upstairs."
I also knew something else at that moment, had I pushed her onto the couch, I could have had her bare without any resistance. But I didn't, instead in the perhaps 10 seconds it took for me to follow her up the stairs with a sexy peek of her pussy as she took each step, no, in that time following her to our bedroom I also came to the decision that I would abide by what I knew we both wanted.
It had all become quite intense, even more so than I'd expected. Her comment to me about 'covering up' had continued to keep my cock at full-mast and as I reached for one of the two remaining condoms and tore off the foil I looked at her but didn't need to tell her how turned on I was. The sight of my bloated cock was an obvious sign.
******
I will be honest and say that I did have thoughts of possibly having her bare one last time, but after what she said about my being her beta partner, I know that's not likely. I have also given a lot of thought to what she asked me about whether it felt better each time and in a way she is correct. I don't know that it so much feels better, but she was spot on when she said that it was something that did become more arousing to me because I know that it truly is what I want and that it does seem to make it feel more fulfilling. I can't explain it but can only say that it didn't upset me to find that out.
She is also correct that each time I/we/she denies me to cum in her and I use a condom, knowing that Paul will have her bare and cum in her again and again before I will is something that just intoxicates me. Even just typing this has me hard yet again and it scares me a bit when I almost even feel it's maybe the right thing to do, to feel this way; to give that up with her for real.
*******
Perhaps the most interesting feeling I am having right now is to know and fully believe her that we will have our 'date' in October when we will reconnect. I have to say that adhering to her wishes about making it feel as real as it can be is amazing. Every time I see her, even in panties much less naked, it gives me the most amazing feeling to think about not having her and only getting to look or touch if she wants it.
I think for me that knowing I am not going to be touching her vagina is perhaps the most erotic part of this and I guess, what I truly need to feel is that it is the most intimate and personal part of her body; that it will be for another man and not me. I still can't put into words how horny that makes me feel and how almost eager I am to experience it.
It is weird but a part of me also feels guilty. In my head and through our actions, I feel she is becoming, symbolically to me, that prostitute from back in college who did it with all the frat guys but I didn't take my turn with her.
I am sure she is not looking at herself that way (she wants this for her reasons) but it is amazing to sort of feel like it is almost happening.
******
I wasn't surprised when she said she was looking forward to last night and being with me. She said there were several things she wanted to talk with me about and that after everything we've now opened up about, she felt good about being able to share with me much more easily.
She started our 'session' by asking me how I was feeling whether it was still exciting for me and that she hoped it was getting more exciting as we got closer. I told her it was and that as long as I kept thoughts about 'being a man' pushed back from being what I focused on, that I thought it was going to be okay; that I wanted to experience things vicariously through her.
I did admit to her that I still couldn't fully contemplate and work out everything in my head, the feelings about giving up sex with her and that I was sure I was going to have second thoughts. But I held her hand, I looked at her, and told her honestly, " … that it turned me on to give up sex with you".
She smiled to hear that and then asked me how I was feeling about the weekend and I told her the truth was that I was very eager to make this something we would both enjoy and remember.
She blushed at hearing that little speech and told me it was something she'd come to think of as being beautiful and that we could share it. She told me again how she understood how I must love her to try this out. It was my turn to blush and I told her again what I'd already said, that I wanted to make 'our last time' something very special for both of us.
She asked me what I had in mind other than what we'd talked about, whether we should 'set the scene' with some wine, some candles, sexy music (whatever that is!) and both of us enjoying it for as long and as deeply as we could. I told her that, yes, I had given it some thought and I wondered if I could do the honors and shave her pussy once more for me.
She giggled and said, "Of course," and then she smiled and said, "Could I shave you? Your cock would look so beautiful baby".
I was taken aback by the suggestion and it took me a few seconds to mumble out, "I ... I guess … I suppose that would be nice" but then a moment later I qualified my answer by telling her that I wasn't sure and didn't want to feel any more self-conscious around Paul than I was already likely going to be.
She smiled and said, "Okay, maybe after you do me, you'll let me do you?" She didn't wait for my response but giggled and asked me what else I had wanted.
I told her that I wanted to perform oral sex on her until she orgasmed before we would have sex together. She giggled again and said, "Of course baby".
The last thing I shared with her was that I wanted her to put the last condom on me this last time.
She turned to me and kissed me and said, "I'd love to".
We began kissing and rubbing against each other and she'd moved my hand onto my cock through my pants when she began to talk to me. She again talked about wanting it to seem 'for real' after this coming weekend, asking me if I remembered the first time we had sex together.
I told her I did and she smiled and said, "I remember; I remember being surprised at how crazy it was, and how good it was". She said that she loved the other memories of how horny she was back then.
It was my turn to smile as I recalled those days and to hear her say that this 'thing' being new between us was like that and an important part of how horny she was and I agreed.
She went on to say that was something that she was now 'way past' with Paul. She looked at me and said that she needs me to play my part as if it was for real so that she can get herself mentally where she needs to be and wants to let herself go with Paul and experience being that late-teen/early-20 sexpot again.
Strangely, it made some sense to me.
She continued as I started to stroke my cock. She told me that she liked knowing that what she was doing was turning me on and looked at me and said that she wanted to see me horny for her and to know the effect she was going to be having on me; that she wanted to be sure that she would 'know' that I wanted her to belong to Paul.
I told her that I would 'make do' as best as I could while not assuming or pushing for anything with her as if she were more of a best friend.
She giggled and said that "I still want to see your hard cock..." and added that she liked when she could feel it in bed when we'd spoon up but to know that she didn't need to feel obligated to help relieve me. She added that it'd be like she was sharing everything with a good girlfriend who would, " …. you know, get excited about it all with me".
It made me incredibly horny to hear her saying how she wanted to talk and share with me and I told her that I'd like that.
I was now fully hard talking about how she wanted things to be and despite hearing what she was saying being somewhat cold, at the same time it was arousing to hear what she wanted and equally arousing that I had told her that I could do that (and more!). She turned to me and asked me, "You still do it a lot, right honey?.... you know I want you to."
'Masturbating', after a second, I nodded slowly yes to her.
She said something like, "I know these past few weeks you wanted to wait to be with me …. I can sure tell from how full the rubber is when we're done sometimes baby … but you do it other times, right?"
I knew she wanted to hear that I was horny about her and I told her, "... I had to just think about you sometimes and I'd be ready to pop!"
I am now stroking away at full mast. She looked at my hand and giggled then said, "So I wanted to ask … ah, I don't see much, you know, 'residue'?"
I looked at her as I stroked slowly and she said, "I never see anything messy you clean up with … ah, babe, do you sometimes lick it up?"
At about that point, I was pretty well on the way, and when I nodded and said, a little embarrassed, "Uh huh".
She moaned herself and said," … oh god honey, that is so hot, so good to know ... I love knowing that sort of stuff about you...”
I was horny and now openly stroking my cock while she watched. She whispered, "Baby, that's so hot, I love thinking about you cumming like that while you think about me".
I moaned back and I just have to say that it felt good telling her that (I should probably also add that she's told me she's, 'tasted myself' many times, so while it's a bit revealing, it's also not something so dramatic).
She whispered, "It's hot that you like licking it up baby … ooh, look at how big and hard your cock is …. I can't wait to see you cum baby".
I was lost in thought and pretty far along by this point and I told her honestly that it turned me on that, "this might be all we share in the future".
She turned to me and said "I love sharing this with you … " and then turned to look back at my cock, " …. let me see all that thick cum baby...".
I had a million thoughts in my head, some scary but most were erotic, such as the mental image of Paul climbing off of her after they'd just had sex and of her lying there, just like that image from that frat party, with the look of bliss on her face and her pussy wet and open, that was all I needed. I saw her eagerly watching me and breathing slowly and heavily as I could feel my orgasm approaching.
Knowing she was eagerly watching was so hot and I got into it I think it was more and more intense for me as I thought about us getting closer to the weekend. I can't even try to recall all of the thoughts other than knowing I was on the edge.
That was when I heard her softly moan and I noticed she was rubbing her legs together almost unconsciously with her hand buried between her thighs, the sight just set me off. I loved cumming for her, I stroked out at least 5 or 6 huge spurts of cum before she put her hand on mine and gently stroked and milked out the last of my cum. I felt the most erotic thrill as without a second thought, she reached down and I felt her thumb touch my balls and then run to the tip of my cock; I heard her moan again as I felt her thumb wipe off the head of my cock.
I opened my eyes just as she brought her thumb up to my lips. The last drips of cum she'd pulled out of me were thick and sticking to her thumb as I sucked it into my mouth. She looked at me as she pulled it back out and then she leaned in and kissed me as I lay back with my head on the pillow. I have to say that this moment right then is one I remember most because of the incredible look on her face as she played with my cum all over my stomach. She turned to me and said, "This still turns me on so much baby, I love your cum and I love watching you …" and with a smile, she brought another finger-full of it to my lips.
We talked for a little bit afterward and she kissed me and hugged me and said that she didn't want to change what we were doing (referring to what we'd just done) and, "I love sharing this with you. After another kiss, she said, "I hope this will be okay for us for a while".
I hugged her back and said, "I'm sure we'll find our way baby".
******
Work was all but a graveyard this morning and to be honest, my mind was elsewhere so I left early to come home (we were closing early anyway because of the holiday weekend). Suzanna is due home early this afternoon and then our weekend will begin.
I know it sounds crazy but I am incredibly excited about this weekend. I know it will be a loss for me in some ways but I think (hope) that feeling will pass. At the same time, I so want to see her truly let herself go with Paul (as if she's holding back now?) and share the fun with her. Even now when I look at her when we're getting ready for bed or I see her in the shower, I can't explain it any other way than to say it really and truly excites me that her pussy will only be for him to use.
It even sounds bizarre that I should want this but as I am coming to terms with my own deepest desires, she is right there with me. As I said long ago, it is what she's doing in response that seems to turn me on. Is it merely coincidence; is it love between us that lets us feel comfortable with changing things like this?
I know that while I have sometimes had second thoughts or even regrets in the past about what we've done, the thing that so seems to turn me on is for her to do something with Paul or to give him something (or any of her lovers) that she doesn't give or share with me. I just don't think, until I became comfortable as being 'the beta' that I truly understood what turned me on the most. Sure, it was the reconnection and reclaiming of her after she'd been with another man, but honestly, in looking back at it, my greatest arousal wasn't the time and act of having her afterward. No, when I look back and read about some of the earliest things that we'd done together, what strikes me is how I know that I felt this feeling of relief and satisfaction and deep arousal from what we'd done before.
For instance, when she began to deny me sex before she'd go see Dan or anyone else, it was her saying no to me at that moment that I now know was the deeper turn-on. Sure seeing and sharing her used pussy afterward was always amazing but the feelings that I seem to be most aware of are the feelings of knowing she is giving Paul something that I don't get. What's insane is that I agree with her, that as a beta, I really shouldn't be cumming in her and honestly, she's not wrong when she said to me that I do want her to do this; to fully deny me sex with her.
I honestly don't understand, how I get this incredible feeling seeing her naked or barely clothed and knowing that soon she will share her most intimate moments only with him, and then later she'll share that experience with me.
I do know what she means too. For me it's the opposite of her desire for me to not have sex with her; for me, it's almost strange to think about being turned on knowing I can no longer have sex with her.
As I said, for me the most trying moments will be the intense pleasure I know we are going to have and share two last times. Knowing that the feeling of deep orgasm inside her will not be something I'll share with her for an indefinite period has me so aroused, I can't explain it. Even now when I look at her I have begun to force myself to think of her as being sexually his and the crazy part is that I like it.
Call me crazy.
******
Last night when we went up to the bedroom to go to bed I noticed that the 2 condoms had now moved out of the drawer to being now on top of the nightstand on her side of the bed. Then this morning she made quite a fuss in the bathroom while she was showering and afterwards.
It started with the door being open just a bit as she went to sit on the toilet to pee and when she saw me in the bedroom looking in she got up and flung the door shut and said something like, "That's not something to be shared with you".
She opened the door when she was done and flushed the toilet but she didn't say anything else to me other than smiling at me as I watched her undress and get in the shower. She took her time undressing including standing at the sink for a few moments while she looked at something on her face in the mirror (and at me in the reflection), the whole time her body was fully visible to me.
I know it's crazy but that thought in my head was how erotic it is going to be when I know that she will only be with him and that looking at her like this may be all I have with her sexually for a while. I can't explain how aroused it made me feel at that moment.
Anyway, she washed up in the shower but didn't shave her pussy and when she came out she looked at me and said that she liked my idea for me to do that for her on Monday," …. as part of your last time". She said it as if she was talking about the weather, calmly as if it were nothing.
I am finding myself focused not just tonight, but also on Monday. I do understand her desire for this to 'seem like it's for real' and even I am finding myself strangely aroused and turned on by the thought of knowing that Monday will be my last time being intimate with her for likely a long time. I want to experience that moment when I know it is done.
*******
Suzanna has been pretty clear with me that she wants to start things up with Paul slowly. First, she resumes a regular schedule of 2 times a week and she then wants him to also be coming to our house regularly. She said she wants to do this the right way so that she gets what she wants out of it and she's now shared that she may want to continue and do this into the winter and ski season.
She asked me casually last night if we could work it out for the 3 of us.
I asked her if it was going to be like last year and she giggled and said, "Yeah, but I think you will be a lot happier now that I know what you need".
It seems that us returning to an empty nest at home here has kicked her desires up a notch.
*******
Knowing the evening is approaching, a part of me wants to call the whole thing off but perversely my cock is positively drooling right now thinking about feeling her later tonight and enjoying every moment of it intensely.
It's inexplicable, but I do want to go through with it, how I want to feel her hand around my cock on Monday night as it begins to shrink inside her after we share our last moment. I so want to feel her hold the condom in place.
In my mind, I know that I want to be looking at her as I cum in her and I hope she feels the same. I am like on the edge of my seat thinking about looking into each other's eyes as we take this next step together.
I wish I could understand it all, but knowing she wants this same sort of experience between us is making it very exciting.
******
I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. I am both exhilarated and excited but another part of me feels almost sorry and a bit forlorn. I don't think she knows it but after we'd made love last night (yes, it was truly making love together) we lay in bed and I could feel her falling off to sleep. I just lay there and I started to feel that I may be into something that maybe I'm not ready for. Even now, the feeling of being with her and sharing something so intense and close is something that is beginning to haunt me a bit.
I know she's had sex with him a lot and all that, but last night, maybe it's knowing what is coming, I was very acutely aware of just how she feels and how beautiful she is and how amazing her body and her pussy feel. I did want it to last forever, the warmth inside her as I could feel her body tremble and spasm and, oh my god yes, I could feel her pussy simply gush at times as she'd orgasm in this position or that. I knew that I could feel all of her and yet know that I am not. Even in knowing last night was perhaps one of the last times that I may truly feel her so into it with me, I will say that I know that I didn't want to cum in her and that I was glad I had a condom on.
The feeling I had last night with her was something that I think she may have been right about, that in some ways, the longer we have gone with using condoms together, the more intense it has become. The feeling I had last night upon becoming aware of it as we were having sex became clearer to me. I came to realize that I have already come to love no longer cumming inside her and that is something I have already given up to Paul.
*******
What I find myself feeling now is whether perhaps I would have enjoyed being more aware of my underlying beta desires longer ago. I think about Dan and, yes, it was too early for that, but now it scares AND excites me that I think I would enjoy it if she were to find a true bull or a more dominant kind of guy. A part of me feels that it would be far easier for me to relate to him that way and to find it easier to be with him/them.
I have been thinking that perhaps I should be the one to explain what we are doing with Paul and just get it out in the open. I don't think he'll ever be the kind of guy to throw it in my face or to make me feel belittled by it, but at the same time, he doesn't have that dominating, aggressive character so I'm also hesitant because it may make him feel more awkward or less comfortable around me.
*******
Suzanna is very much enjoying that we can talk more openly now and I think it's good for her in that I already find myself listening and enjoying talking with her and that I am trying to separate my being aroused by what she's telling me. When we lay in bed last night she reassured me that, " … it's different when I'm with Paul afterward".
I asked her what she meant and she told me that while she does feel very intimate and close with him she made no bones about telling me that she loved the feeling of being naked with him as they lay together after they've had sex, but she turned to me and told me that, "I never feel the way I do with you, honey... I love you. While I do love sex with him, I don't love him."
She gave a contented sigh and pulled my arm around her as she snuggled back against me.
*******
After some wine together and sitting out on the back deck watching the sunset, we came inside, and for a short while, it felt like old times between us. She let me seduce her and I let myself take a bit more of the lead.
She teased me every time I uncovered a part of her body and when I proceeded to lick and caress her she would tell me, "Soon you won't be doing that." When I got to her breasts and gently sucked and bit at her nipples she moaned about how, " … they'll soon be off-limits".
She was surely teasing me last night because she eagerly gobbled my hard cock into her mouth and sucked me till I was rock hard as I probed and explored her body. She lay on the bed as I knelt against it next to her and as she sucked my cock I spread her legs and played with her pussy.
I licked my fingers and I wet the outside of her outer labia and as I rubbed up towards the top she'd moan louder around my cock. As I'd run the same wet fingers downwards I'd find, her vagina was already opened and already visibly wet so my finger just probed the sticky wet opening. I then ran a finger upwards between her lips and to her still-buried clit where I gently rubbed around the outside and underside. I heard her squeal as she pulled my cock out of her mouth and moaned, " … oh god Stef, what are you doing to me? … don't stop".
She pulled my cock back into her mouth so I pushed my middle finger further into her wetness and she stopped sucking and let out a loud grunt with my cock still sitting in her mouth; she bucked her pussy upwards driving more of my finger into her. She grunted even more and after just a few more of her thrusts onto my finger she pulled my cock out of her mouth and moaned, "Are you having fun?". I told her honestly that it turned me on that Paul had played with her pussy like this and she hissed back, "Oh god yes, he has".
It wasn't long before she pulled my cock out of her mouth for the last time and looked up at me and said, "I think it's ready," and giggled and said, "I've been tasting your sticky stuff for a while now." She gently held my balls and said, "Are you ready honey?”
I nodded yes she got up onto her elbows with me still kneeling against the edge of the bed and she tore off one of the condoms, opened it, and then handed it to me and she just said, "Before it goes in me". My god I was so horny at that moment and just how she said it was so incredibly erotic.
As I started to rub the tip against her wet opening and then up to her clit, spreading her lips fully apart she was alternating from looking at my face to looking at my cock playing with her. She looked up at me and asked me, "Are you okay?"
I smiled at her and said, "Oh yeah baby"
In response she just said, "Make it really good baby" and so I started to slowly enter her and it felt just heavenly, to feel her wet lips spread out around my hard cock and envelope it. As I was pushing into her, I felt so incredibly aroused thinking about Paul enjoying this very same moment, sans condom. It seems almost an unconscious thing but she pulled her knees back and I slid right in almost all the way. She let out this intense low guttural moan as I pushed in and straightaway she put her arms up, not to stop me but just to make me move slower, that's all.
I won't try to describe all of what we did. I pulled out of her at one point and she knelt at the edge of the bed, her face down into a pillow and with both of her hands she reached back and pulled herself open for me. She looked both beautiful and slutty all at once, but seeing her vagina open like that was like an on-switch for me and I suddenly felt the most intense need to push myself into her deeply, condom or not.
At another time she lay on her back on the bed beneath me and again, spread her legs and again, hid nothing from view. This time as I rubbed the swollen tip of my cock into her wetness, she hissed at me, "Paul likes it when I lie like this for him too".
From that point forward, her teasing did become a bit more pointed, but I also suspect she desired to speed me along and truly not have me take all night long before I'd have my moment of pleasure, but to also minimize the amount of time I focused on her pleasure. At points I felt she pushed me along, encouraging me to take her legs back around my arms perhaps a bit sooner than I was ready for but after the buildup, her wishes became my desire.
I told her I wanted to enjoy being inside her and she smiled and giggled and said, "Okay baby, I'll stay wet for you" and she proceeded to rub her clit in time with my thrusts. I am sure she felt my cock get harder and she giggled, "Oh god, you're just like him, he likes to watch me like this too".
Her finger rubbing made all the difference, just a few moments later I felt her pussy open up and begin to squelch and squish as I kept up my pace. I know that my mind was consumed with thoughts of Paul getting to enjoy this as I came a few minutes later. The moment I started to cum she let out a squeal and a second later, her pussy suddenly started almost squirting and she told me, "Oh god, I can feel you".
We both came together and I could feel every thick spurt as my whole body would tense with each and, at the same time, she was flailing and thrashing back and forth beneath me moaning. When I finally felt drained I was incredibly aware of just how wet and open her pussy felt beneath me.
We lay together afterwards and she hugged me and again told me not only that she loved me but again said thank you to me for everything.
******
So, it feels kind of eerie right now sitting here in the quiet. I've looked at the last remaining condom still on her night-stand now several times and, yes, I am most definitely going to miss the physical feeling with her but at the same time, call me a beta, a cuckold or whatever, but the feeling I have right now is that whatever feelings of misgivings I have, that I'll put them on the side for the time being and try to focus on the positive.
I'm still considering letting her shave me. I know that it would make me feel self-conscious around Paul so it is not likely to happen. However, seeing her kneel in front of me last night is how I'll need her to be tomorrow if I'm going to shave her so we'll see.
I’m still all over the place but I keep coming back to simply wanting to feel and experience what it's like when she 'becomes his'. Even now after the awesome sex last night (and I do mean amazing) I am getting hard once again thinking about it.
******
Only a few more days now and, heck, that's yet another book filled!
******
