Journal of a Journey - Book #118

There is no doubt, she is hooked on Paul. It was made clear yesterday when I noted she was a bit moody. When I asked why she said that she was pissed that Paul had told her he preferred to be going to a Super Bowl party with his buddies and wasn't going to be coming by as she had hoped. I tried to calm things down by saying that I was a little surprised that she wanted to see him so soon after the fun that we'd had together but she pouted and said that she was hoping for a quickie with him if nothing else. (It was also made clear that I might have said the wrong thing!)

I admit that it was a little hard to hear but in some ways, I knew it was happening. When she said to me that she wanted to have sex with him yesterday, I asked her why so soon after the night of fun with me. She said that while 'our fun' had been good, she still wanted to have some fun with him. When I pushed her a bit more she did come out and say, that after all this time; after all the pandering to my desires and us acting on them, she wants it more with him than me right now. She said that she's gotten into how it feels with him and that right now she enjoyed sex with him a lot, certainly better than with me.

That hurt to hear but it's not all gloom and doom. We talked more and she said the sex with me was good, sometimes even 'great' but that she also felt she had to admit that she enjoyed it more with Paul.

I asked her to say honestly if it was that he cums in her and I don't. She said, "That's part of it," and admitted that feeling that with Paul now for so long has been something she's come to look forward to very much. I offered to do her without a condom.

She said, "No, that's not going to work," and it led to a bigger discussion.

We talked about a lot of stuff. She said to me that she knows that my using a condom with her gives me the feeling that I've wanted to feel. She said, "I know it makes it feel edgy for you," then she said, "I know it turns you on that Paul gets something with me that you don't and that turns you on, but it's more than that, isn't it?" She then asked me if I was truly happy with the beta thing that I'd started?

She held my hands and looked at me “It's okay if it turns you on, I understand that peoples’ desires and turn-ons change over time, mine have changed too baby but it's okay."

It was a little awkward at first but I did tell her that it still turned me on to be taking a beta role with her. She asked me what that meant and I said that I think I've come to feel that I enjoy her being in control and that I still enjoy taking a 'second place' with her sexually. However, before she could respond to that I emphasized that I meant being 'beta-sexually' but not being 'beta-emotionally'. I continued and said that while I enjoyed the torment of being denied her sexually, I didn't want to feel I was taking a back seat emotionally and told her that the way she's been acting lately had me questioning this.

She went quiet for a bit before professing that it's only sexual and physical with Paul but she did admit that she has 'some' feelings for him, not love by any means. She attempted to qualify her emotions toward him by saying that she feels little to no interest in his ****** life or anything else going on in his life. She surprised me by saying that she had felt much more emotional about Robert and at other times before then with Peter coming up in her discussion. She came out and said, "Unlike then, now it's just a lot of fun between us; you saw that when we were away didn't you?”

I told her that I wasn't convinced, that sometimes it was hard for me to not feel enough emotionally from her and at the same time to see and know when she's with Paul that she isn't thinking of me at all.

She asked me why I'd gotten so upset after the ski weekend and asked me again if things hadn't been okay that weekend. "You got to see me do everything we normally do together." and then asked, "Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?” It wasn't accusatory but more trying to understand.

I told her that going from the extreme of the ski weekend and then not having 'us time' that she had promised made it seem like things were out of control for me, that wasn't part of what I had wanted to feel and that I guessed I just needed some alone time with her. She apologized for being too insensitive about that but reminded me that she'd already said that she was sorry for missing that.

Our talk weaved back to my beta desires and us using condoms. She asked me pointedly, "Do you miss cumming in me?” Before I could answer she said that she knew it turned me on to use condoms with her but that she wanted me to try to explain to her whether the pleasure I got from using them was better than cumming in her.

I told her that I did miss it but then I told her that most of the time when we have sex when we use condoms now, it's very satisfying for me. I tried to explain to her how it made me feel good to deny myself that pleasure but how I couldn't explain it any more than that. I guess I was pretty emotional because at one point she handed me a tissue and I realized my eyes had teared up.

I told her how I loved feeling as if I wanted her even more by denying myself. She kissed me and asked me how it felt to not have cum in her (except for those few times) now in over a year. I told her sincerely that it scared me a lot but at the same time it was something that turned me on; while it did kill me inside a bit, at the same time it made me feel exhilarated to think about it.

She looked at me most lovingly and told me she could tell how intense it is for me when we do have sex, how my body feels and how I respond when I cum, she said: "Baby. I know how it makes you feel, it's okay, I understand".

She said that it was hard to figure out at first but now, after the past few months, she didn't want to change how I felt if it was truly what I wanted. She went on to say that she now understood a lot more about how I felt and that she wanted to know how to make it better for me. She also apologized for not seeing it and not realizing how hard the ski weekend might have been for me.

I told her that it wasn't that the weekend was so hard but that it left me wanting her and I'd thought she'd wanted that too and was disappointed for it not to have happened.

Then it was her turn to say some things that I wasn't fully ready for.

She said that she always wanted me and had never wanted to share her life with another man but now she can't say that about her sexuality anymore, that like it or not, my beta desires and all the years of her enjoying other men have changed her way of thinking. She told me that if anything she loves me more in so many ways (not sexual) that I've let her find this part of herself. She admitted that she'd long felt the reluctance to enjoy herself with other men and admitted to feeling conflicted for a long time in her feeling like she was enjoying herself for her desires than just because it turned her on. She said that starting with how I changed when she was seeing Robert was when she felt herself changing.

She looked at me and said that "you did change when I was seeing Robert and it wasn't just how you behaved, it was how you responded to the things I told you!" She went on to say that she thought I did much better with coping with all of this when I wasn't there with them.

She told me that she's felt so much of what she feels with Paul now, the same that she'd felt with Robert. She looked at me and said, "sweetie, do you remember at one point I told you I'd seriously thought about whether I could have another baby?" She said that my reaction stuck in her mind and that even though getting pregnant wasn't something that could happen, she said she remembered being surprised at how I'd responded to the idea at the time; she said that it was something she'd remembered.

She told me again what she's told me before, that she's come to enjoy and want sex with Paul now and that she's letting herself go with what I've said I've wanted, that she should look to him for her sexual satisfaction and not get it from me. She asked me if I still felt that I wanted that, "is that still what you want to feel as the beta?"

I didn't answer her but instead said that I wanted her to look to me for her emotional satisfaction. She smiled and hugged me and said she understood that and she promised me that in future she would be much more aware but she asked me again, “is that still what you want though?”

I asked her how it made her feel if I were to say yes.

She smiled and said, "I think you want to say yes but that you are scared to".

I nodded and told her she was right. She was very close to me as we talked and she said, "baby, it's just sex. It's not my love for you that we're talking about, it's just sex".

I told her that it wasn't just sex and that she shouldn't kid herself either. She was quiet for a few moments and then said, "you're right".

What followed was her taking a few minutes to express to me how she feels now being able to let herself go and enjoy sex with Paul without having to worry about what I was thinking or what I wanted. She said that she loved that when she was with him, that she'd now accepted that what I wanted was for her to truly give all of herself to him for that time together. She looked at me and said, "isn't that what you want?”

It wasn't as hard as I thought to nod my head in agreement. She looked at me and said that I will just have to believe her that she was aware of what she was doing and that she hasn't changed anything in how she was thinking recently, again pointing back to her with Robert as when her thinking seemed to change.

She looked at me, "What about the other things that we talked about? You know, we talked at one point about letting things go further with Paul for a little while."

I knew what she'd meant and I just said, "yeah, I think it's just a lot to take in all at once". I told her that all of that was still based on it still feeling good and right between us. She agreed with that and said that she would limit her time with Paul until we got all of this sorted out.

She saw me raise my eyebrows or whatever because she reacted, "He understands we are having a bit of a rough patch" and then added, "You didn't expect me to stop seeing him, did you?”

That would have been unrealistic so I just kind of shook my head and the reality is, I don't mind; I didn't mind if he'd wanted to stop by for a quickie with her. In a way, a quickie would be easier in some ways right now but I didn't say that because she continued to tell me that she'd begun to enjoy sex a lot with Paul, "not that it wasn't good before!"

She giggled and said that recently she'd found herself feeling comfortable with him, largely starting that fateful weekend here at our house. She proceeded to tell me that she wasn't sure if she's ever felt this sexually alive and horny before. The teasing and denial that we are practicing, she says, really makes the time with Paul that much more intense for her and she told me very pointedly that him being the only one to cum in her now for so long has made sex with him something that feels markedly different than anything else she has experienced.

At one point I could tell she was in a serious place when she told me that it turned her on to know that as a woman, only her lover has truly had her intimately for so long now. She asked me how that made me feel to know she felt that way; that she hasn't felt that same level of intimacy with me.

I told her just what I'd said above and before, that as long as I felt I wasn't losing her emotionally (and I hesitated as I said this and she knew it) I told her that as long as I felt confident and comfortable emotionally, that I was scared to admit that it turned me on to think about it.

She asked me if that was part of what made me feel fulfilled, knowing that I'd given that up to Paul. I repeated that I was scared to admit it.

She hugged me and said that she understood and that I didn't have to say it if I didn't want to but that she understood it was something that scared me as well as turned me on. She told me that it gave her a wicked and erotic feeling knowing what she (we) are doing and she admitted that the 'taboo-ness' of it turned her on even more sometimes, "Knowing I'm giving it to Paul and that you won't have me sometimes turns me on a lot."

She admitted that it scares her too sometimes but immediately added, " … but knowing you are there for me somehow makes it okay."


We didn't get anywhere in terms of conclusions and I was distracted a bit once the game started last night even though we didn't have sex yesterday, neither of us was in the mood after talking so much. However, as we cuddled up in bed last night we both agreed that we needed to talk and communicate even more and I admitted that I should be more forceful when I'm not feeling comfortable.

She snuggled into me and said again how sorry she was that she had stopped seeing 'all of me' and she giggled and, reaching behind her to cup my now hard cock said, "I need to remember there's more to you than just this guy!" She turned her head to me and said if I needed to masturbate that I could if that's what I wanted but I told her, no, that I wanted to wait. She smiled and as she snuggled back into me she admitted that she liked feeling it hard against her knowing I was horny about her.

It might seem like we're out of control but it doesn't look like it to me. While we didn't reach any conclusions I know that I felt genuine love and concern as we talked and it seemed like a genuine awareness of maybe something that's been lacking between us recently.

Only time will tell how she feels and whether this was all for real or if she is just paying lip service. One thing that has become apparent is she is becoming the aggressor and the more dominant one between us.

She's said before that she is enjoying feeling more in control.

I didn't tell her that her control seems to be spreading to more than just sex but that is sure to come.

She did again tell me that she's going to limit time with Paul until we get this sorted out.


I'm feeling now that I don't want to pull the plug. While our talks have been very deep and revealing, they've still left me with the feeling that I do still want to be the beta for her and I do believe her when she says that she knows how I'm feeling and that she doesn't feel we are in jeopardy.

I guess what it means is that I have to be honest with myself and accept that maybe I truly have changed and that this is what I want now. In so many ways I feel awesome in how things are between us and, yes, even though we have less sex and that may even decrease more in the future, I still feel so aroused by it all, even excited by it. I don't know that I am fully grasping it all and that I know that over time I am sure to have points in time when I'm going to regret things.


I am not jumping into the deep end of the pool just yet; I do want to see that she changes as she's said she is and that she is good to her word in terms of how she treats me and what she wants to feel she can share with me. I still think that is one of our stumbling points that we need to address, how she feels about continuing to share what she is doing with me and how she shares it with me.

The thing I keep coming back to is if what she says is true, that she doesn't feel emotionally tied to him, just physically, then her argument and perspective with me are accurate; if I want to be the beta/sub for her, then I need to stop fighting it and let her experience Paul as she wants to even if at some point it is to the exclusion of me. We DID talk about that in the past and we were both aware that it is likely to happen in the future and I can accept that. As she says, when it happens, it'll be something we are both ready for but, as she admits, until we resolve some things between us which have led to our current rough spot, it is still something in the future.

In a way she's right. We have both been sincere with each other and I answered her honestly when she asked that right now the intensity of the pleasure I get from using condoms with her is amazing and, yes, feels better deep inside to me than feeling her bare skin. She admitted that for her, knowing this is a distinct difference between Paul and me, she still feels it is a beautiful gift for me to give to her to share with Paul. She even said that it makes her relationship with Paul take on a different feeling, that it's been so long now it's something that she's come to feel on her own, and that she enjoys having it as a difference between us. That, plus it gives her the 'sexiest feelings' when she thinks about it.


For the past few days, it has been her pointing out that it's now well over a year since I have been regularly cumming in her and that while it was something we both said we wanted to play with. The reality of it is, almost 14 months later after starting it all, that we should probably assume is now truly a part of our norm between us. I have to admit that thinking that it's been that long leaves me feeling a bit humble in a way that what I had in some ways fantasized about so intensely for so long is now a truth.

I know a lot of people would condemn me and say 'see, we warned you' but at the same time, I cannot tell you how wicked hard my cock is right now thinking that over the period I've only been truly intimate with Suzanna just 4 or 5 times. Or to look at it another way, just a few teaspoons of my cum in comparison to what must be hundreds of times now for Paul and the 'bucket loads' that he has deposited.

That thought and knowledge turn me on amazingly and I think until it no longer does arouse me as it does, this may just be how we stay for a good part of this year or longer. I admit that there are times when I might have some regrets and even aversion to it, but at the same time, I know how my cock throbs and oozes pre-cum when I am with her knowing that we won't be sexual together.

I know; I'm crazy!


Last night was our usual Wednesday time together and she followed suit like last week. Having not seen Paul in a few days I expected her to be a bit withdrawn but was pleasantly surprised when she shucked off her robe last night and climbed into the bed next to me wearing some sexy lingerie. She teased me that I could 'look but not touch' which she knew would turn me on.

What I did want to share was that by the time I was busy stroking away that she'd slid her panties off and was eager to let me watch her. Coupled with her teasing I was soon at the edge but then just before the expected spurting she surprised me when she leaned over, pushed my hand away, and took my cock in her mouth.

She took control a bit sooner than last time and this time she let me enjoy the feeling of her sucking me and bringing me fully to climax. I felt her hands cup my balls and even massage just below them a bit as I let go in her mouth. The thought that I was inside her and that I was feeling her bring me off was just awesome and I know that she sucked me until I stopped shivering. Then, before she pulled off, she ran her thumb up the underside of my cock and I knew as I lay there loving the post-orgasm feeling, that she was going to come up and snowball with me which she did eagerly.

I don't know if is possible to read much in the passion in a kiss but I know that at that moment, the kiss between Suzanna and me did much to soothe some of the friction between us.


How do I define what we each want out of what we're doing? Does she still want a 'full-blown affair' or is she confusing herself by trying to say it's not that?

Do I want to cum in her again; if yes, when?

How should sex be between us? Should I be an equal partner but be required to 'go second' as a beta?

Do I want her to deny me more? If yes, for how long?

All things that seem easy to ask but are harder to answer. The fact that we are talking about all of this coupled to that she is limiting her time with Paul to just once a week (and not staying with him for long) I think says a lot that she is concerned too and wants to be sure it's all going okay.


Next weekend we are going away skiing again, this time just Suzanna and I going upstate rather than going too far away. Paul will not be coming to see us when we are away but, yes, she is going to see him on Sunday, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is a holiday that means a lot more to her than to me and she said that she would like to do it as her Valentine's gift to Paul. She said her gift to me will be to share with me when she gets home.

How could I object and why would I say no?


Regarding Valentine’s Day, I don't know that they attached any special significance to it being Valentine’s day vs. just being them wanting to have some fun this week in light of what Suzanna admits is her limiting things with Paul until she and I both feel we are in clear, calm waters and a comfortable place again.

I will say that much of our discussion in the past day or so since Thursday evening, have circled what I want as 'the beta'; what I want to feel; what do I expect to give up .. or not give up?

Suzanna certainly has her own opinions on this too; surprising herself more than me at how 'alpha' she says she feels and, yes, what we want in terms of denial and how we want that to feel for both of us.

Suzanna has also come out with surprisingly strong feelings about things as well as what she attaches and regards as significant. However, one thing is that there has been no disagreement on how we feel about each other and how much fun it is (even though not always comfortable or enjoyable!) and it is truly fun to feel that we can talk about all of this to find a way to continue making it work for us.


She is at his place right now and is supposed to be back anytime now. She asked me just before she left after lunch if I was okay with her going to see him and she told me that 'this can be part of my Valentine’s present' to her, that she is going to go have some fun with Paul.

She also reminded me last night that she was his present today too.

I'm going out to buy her some flowers before she gets home, I know she'll like that I was thinking about her in more than one way while she was out.


There have been several things she's said that have struck me a bit more now that I think about them.

She said that when I came out to her with my beta thoughts that she was very confused but now thinks she can find some clarity in things, especially since we've been talking. She's coming to understand that my beta feelings aren't ones that I can fulfill myself but ones that she now realizes she wants to help fulfill.

As we've talked she's truly come out and said that she should be more sexual with me but at the same time, give me more of the beta feel I want. She says that she has to learn to tease me and at the same time satisfy me mentally and emotionally, if not physically.

I have to say that when we have talked about what it is I want to feel that she's been wonderful about getting me to try to express myself. It's not easy to find the words to tell her how it feels so good and deeply satisfying to me that she can let herself go even more with Paul. She says that she wants to feel secure with me and that's part of what she needs to feel.

She said that having seen me so upset, she now felt the need to make sure it was working between us before she resumes things with Paul. She even joked with me that she, "can't just cut him off while we work on this stuff, can I?".

She also admitted that she is coming to enjoy what she says is 'controlling what I do' even now sometimes it's still hard for her to know and tell herself that she doesn't need to make herself available to me if she sees that I am horny. She says she is doing it 'because she loves me' and I told her that in a way it tells me that too because I know she cares about pleasing me.

She smiled and added, " … but now I know it turns you on" that she is enjoying knowing that and also said that she's enjoying sometimes telling Paul what she wants.

I laughed at her and said maybe she's the alpha. She agreed and said that it was fun and then hugged and kissed me and said, "see, we change together baby, we're meant to be together." I think she meant it.


I know she said all along she had curiosity and desires to do 3-somes when we first started and to go out with other guys, but I don't think either she or I saw us coming to where we are now. She's right, as both of our desires have changed over the years, we've both moved along with it, whether her for me or me for her.

Many of our friends tell us that this is the one thing they always see in us, that neither of us resists what the other wants and that they can all tell we love each other. We tell them that our marriage is based on 'give and take', if they only knew how much that extended into the bedroom, they'd flip out!


It's 3:30 pm now; I’m waiting and I'm so horny. We cuddled up after we'd talked last night and she'd reached behind her and felt my hard-cock and moved it to a more comfortable position for her and then cooed back to me as she snuggled against me that, "you'll be ready for tomorrow" so I know that even though she's with him now, that she'll have been thinking about me too.

I have flowers, champagne waiting, and a valentine’s card as well as a log fire in the fireplace for us. I have prepared a meal of scallops wrapped in bacon appetizers and followed by some steaks off the grill but I have decided we shall forego having dessert before we rendezvous in the bedroom. I feel sort of alpha-ish but at the same time, it is going to drive me crazy all through dinner as she's already told me I have to wait until after dinner to have her, that all through dinner she'll be sitting there wet from Paul.

She asked me, "would that be something that would turn you on as a beta?" I think my eyes gave it away before I nodded my head yes. She smiled and said, "good, this will be fun for us".


Where to begin? I'm not sure that anyone (should my journals ever be read)will understand or like what we've decided or what we're thinking, but what I can write is that Suzanna isn't ready to run off with Paul, not by a long shot.

There's no doubt that he's good in bed and able to 'perform' at short notice (aka 'a quickie' when she wants it) but occasionally Suzanna had some negative things to say about him which prompted me to ask her if that's why they don't ever go out more, like for drinks or dinner. Her reply surprised me for, in short, she says he's not a conversational type of person and not good in company.

I told her I'd felt some of that in the awkwardness that we still felt and she agreed that he's fun to be with when they're doing things together or that their time is busy, but that she's felt awkward periods with him where she's felt a gap between them. I didn't want to probe further so I left it at that.

Last night we did have our usual fun but she surprised me by deciding to remove her panties and encourage me to look at her as she fingered herself, never cumming but getting visibly wet. She teased me as she spread her legs apart and let me see all of her as she gently teased that her pussy is less and less mine and more and more Paul's. That reality is something we talked about as turning me on to think about so I know she was listening and picked up on that.

I moved up to kneel between her legs as she lay back against the headboard and enjoyed seeing how aroused I was my cock so hard as I began stroking. It was so intense to hear and see her tell me that I don't get to, "feel me this wet" and indeed, her fingers looked slick pushing in and then pulling back out. I watched and stroked eagerly when she pulled them out and then smiled as I could see just how wet she was inside. She teased me, "too bad it's not for you" she gently rubbed at her clit and I got to see her eyes close and she seemed to lose herself for a moment in an orgasm. It was so erotic to watch her.

When the pleasure passed by she opened her eyes and wickedly smiled on seeing my hard cock and how I was stroking away. Just how she looked lying there with her top still on but naked below the waist was so horny, so intense that I was close. As with the last few weeks, when she saw that I was about ready to burst, she leaned up and took me again in her mouth and this time sucked me just so incredible that I wished it would never end.

I finally let loose and fell backward onto the bed and lay down across it. She giggled and crawled over on top of me and lightly kissed me first and then giggled again as she let a string of my cum drip from her mouth to mine. She followed with a proper kiss using her tongue which shared the rest of my load.

The look on her face as we kissed passionately was just bliss.


We are heading off to ski for the weekend; a weekend just for us so we're both looking forward to it for some skiing as well as some alone time afterward.

We have come to some mutual understanding. She's no longer pushing for me to try to explain why I feel as I do; she says that she understands enough to make her believe that I truly have these feelings and has said that I shouldn't torture myself trying to figure them out or to explain them. We both agree that even with the denial and beta stuff we are enjoying (yes, I do mean 'enjoying') that we both need some alone time just for us and this weekend is one for us. She's already teased me by packing 4 condoms but telling me that I'll likely only need 2 of them while we're away!

We have come to an understanding that my taking the beta role with her is something that we both still want to do. She's made it quite clear to me that she is enjoying what she now recognizes as taking the alpha role sexually between us and also with Paul but she's now aware that even though I may choose to be the beta for her, I do still have needs, emotional and sexual that I need to share and relieve with her.

We've discussed the condom use too at length now and she is fairly adamant now that she enjoys what using them does to us sexually, enforcing my beta role, She also admits that it is much of what makes the sex with Paul so intense. I say she is adamant about it because at one point she actually turned to me (and I guess I'd pushed it a bit) and I quote, said quite seriously, "it's my vagina, I'll share it with whoever and however I want."

It was exciting to see her get so stern with me and I told her so.

Subsequent conversations from there led to me sharing with her that I enjoyed her taunting me with things like I'd mentioned from Wednesday night. Even if they aren't even being considered, she understands that in the heat of the moment that it turns me on to hear her say things like that. She also has teased that, "sometimes some might come true, be careful what you wish for!”

The other side of it is that she has been much more demonstrative with me too, her initiating hugging and cuddling, and touching, even if not sexual. I've told her that is some of what I think we both need to feel to let things continue sexually with her and Paul.


The weekend away was very nice but have been under the weather since returning and presently not feeling great; colds and headaches and such, so much so that last night we skipped our Wednesday ritual. Suzanna is seeing Paul over the weekend but will not be spending the night, (despite her suppressed desires!)

What I can say while I'm still energetic enough to sit here and type is that we have pretty much agreed on several things. She has, as I mentioned already, taken a decidedly alpha role. Since I first mentioned this observation to her, she's taken it a bit to heart.

We've talked about my beta-ness and she says that she supports it and she is now understanding that it's only about sex that I feel I am enjoying the beta status. I have expressed my feelings that we need to share love between us even if we aren't making love together. She says that since taking formal notice of her alpha desires, she understands she has a responsibility to make sure that it is only sexually that she gives herself to Paul. However, on an emotional level, she's 'fessed up that she does feel more than just lust for Paul. As she explained it, "how can I not" and I understand that.

She's explained how empowered she feels, to whit her 'it's my vagina comment', and she's made it very clear that she loves how it feels to know she is controlling herself. As she's said that when she will get undressed in front of me that she likes knowing how it makes me feel to see her but knowing that she is the one who will decide if and how we have sex together.

I have been honest and told her that I still feel that I want her to fulfill her sexual needs and desires with Paul. She responded by saying she's stopped thinking about it so much and now just accepts it and, yes, is enjoying it!


We had a bit of bad news about some more distant friends who were separating and that made us look at what we were doing and made us realize that we needed a bit more intimacy. So we have pulled back from where we were and Suzanna and I resumed 'normal' sex again last weekend after agreeing that, for the time being, as I said, we wanted to return to some sense of normalcy.

My 'normalcy' began when she told me I should do her bare and then moved on me filling her with several huge loads of cum that felt like they'd been building up for ages. Her normalcy was when she squealed and screamed so loud that our neighbor commented the next day about 'you guys had some fun'. To be honest, it's been amazing to feel her so fully again. Since last weekend, we've fucked 3 times.


She is still seeing Paul, but that too is changing, perhaps he's felt the change from me re-inserting myself into our marriage, sex life, and yes, her pussy.

We've come to the agreement that perhaps this would be more in line with what we both want … for now. After a weekend of cumming in her we talked a lot and she felt that it was good that I understood that she still was going to control when and how we had sex. She's said that I am not done using condoms but she also said that, especially after feeling me in her bare, it wasn't something she wanted to do without, at least not long-term.


Believe it or not, Paul IS going to come here tomorrow and likely will spend the night. Our kids will be home on Spring Break soon and Suzanna felt she wanted to have Paul one last time in our bed overnight for what may be the next 2 weeks since our ******** will be home on Sunday evening and our son's spring break is the following week.

Suzanna has already told Paul that I am cumming in her again and he's fine about that again and said that he liked that we enjoyed a bit of this 'kind of kink'.


Last night, I instinctively reached for a condom until realizing I didn't need it. Feeling the soft warmth of her pussy on my cock head was just so amazing. I didn't last too long, just long enough to feel her gush as I pushed into her; she screamed out in orgasm just as I let go of her for the first time since I can't remember.

By the time Monday came around we'd gone at it twice more (including her on her knees with me pulling her back to me with her hips) and I was a little proud to hear her say I'd gotten her a little sore!


Weird as it may sound, she wants me to use condoms when Paul is here this weekend. She says that it makes it better for her when it is just Paul cumming in her and she asked me if that would be okay with me for the future as something we do. She says if the 3 of us are together that she would still like to have it feel like she is just his.

She giggled and said that if I wanted to wait, I can have her bare, but if I want to join in the fun with them, she would still like it if I used a condom with her. I told her okay and that we'll see how that works out.


I can say that with me now resuming not so much an alpha position with her, but surely a more normal sex life, I feel less urge to 'pour my heart out' and that perhaps our lifestyle, our 'journey', is running its course. Perhaps the reminder from our friends who are splitting up in their late 50s has also served to remind us that we need a bit of 'us' again.

I do still love her fucking Paul though, that is something that isn't likely to change, but I'll also admit, it felt awesome to feel her so naturally and fully again.


New book time.