Journal of a Journey - Book 114

Saturday night was really intense, being there and actually talking to Paul as he fucked my wife and him replying to my comments. I felt a bit self-conscious about it but with Suzanna's encouragement it began to feel really good and I think that although we didn't say too much that it somehow pulled us closer together and made our relationship stronger.

I left them alone after he had cum in her but for as much as I would have loved to have taken my turn and fucked her that I wanted him to do it more than that. Even after I had gone leaving them almost asleep in 'our' bedroom; even though I could probably cum with just a touch of a hand, I just have to say that knowing she is asleep with him was just so strangely arousing, and even though I was horny as hell in the guestroom the thought of waiting for her till tomorrow was just more arousing to me.


The kids have come home for the holiday but have to add that they seem to find excuses to be anywhere but home what with their own busy social lives and playing catch-up with all their friends back here. That's fine by us as it makes it easier for us to continue with our normal routines and not have to worry about being disturbed.

Paul came over on Saturday and stayed the night and we kinda picked up from where we left off at the weekend.

I already wrote about my fitful night last Saturday and yesterday morning it was more or less the same when she came down to me first again in her just her robe. I could hear the shower running and she said she thought it better if he didn't come down in my robe as it was already late and he needed to get going enough to go and play golf. As I kissed her I gave a sniff and sensed the unforgettable aroma. I looked at her and she smiled and said, "plus, he needed one after this morning" which left me no doubt that she'd just gotten fucked while I was in the kitchen.

She hugged me and when she felt some passion (aka my hard-on) in return from me she smiled and said, "I told you later, okay? Not while Paul's still here".

We had coffee together when he came down, already in his golf-playing clothes. It was sort of erotic to smell him all fresh and clean and me knowing why.

The conversation was much easier. Paul asked me if I'd enjoyed the night before. My answer was the same as always, an emphatic yes and then in the new way of openness between us all I said to him that, "I see what she likes in you" and she giggled at that.

He told me I was a lucky guy and that now he was too and he said it openly, "now that you let me share her as you do". He looked at me and said, "thanks man, this is like a dream for me." He then said that being there with us and seeing us being okay after being with your wife all night that he likes that we can talk a little now. He added that he can see that we have something special (Suzanna and I).

I told him that it'd been a long time in the making but that, and I looked at her and then back at him, I said that "it's something both of us are enjoying too." (I'm not sure if he knew that I'd waited for Suzanna last Sunday and not masturbated after I'd left them.)

I thought the morning was about over as he was dressed and all that but that was when Suzanna said, "so, seeing how you have been pretty okay about these last two weekends.... can we talk about going skiing?"

Paul added that he hoped, "you will be okay with how we'll be this time" and he playfully pulled her onto his lap which pulled her robe open. She giggled and said something about 'not now' which she later said that she didn't want him to do anything that might make me feel differently as she, rightfully so, thought things were all going so well.

Despite the generous glimpse at her naked body under the robe, it didn't affect what I said in return which was, "okay, when, what weekend are we thinking of?".

She got up and while facing away from him and towards me, opened her robe totally flashing me before re-arranging and tying it. She got the calendar off the kitchen wall and all 3 of us started to look we all agreed that the last weekend in January would be the first one feasible after the kids will have gone back to school.

Suzanna marked it as 'Skiing' and then added a '+' to it and drew a line from late Friday to late Sunday night. We agreed that we'd check out renting a condo and that we would arrive in time to go out and have some fun on Friday night. Paul said he would get there earlier on Friday afternoon and get the food we'd need if we wanted. Suzanna and I would arrive around dinner time with enough time to go out to dinner and maybe get a few drinks out. With huge smiles on their faces it was agreed that we would spend Saturday night in and we'd cook dinner and spend the night together.

Paul asked me how I would feel if they were to want to use the hot tub together alone that night and I said that I didn't think it'd be a problem. The discussion continued a bit with Suzanna finally coming out and asking me if I was going to be okay if it seemed like they were 'the couple' and, "you know, baby, and you're like the friend coming along?"

I said, "we'll see" and her response was to say something to Paul quietly that she later told me was that she would 'work on it' When we talked later on she asked me what I was thinking about and I said that I thought it was going to be hard on me if I couldn't have any hugs or kisses for the weekend but that it was going to be enough just being with them. She said I was thinking too much of it and that she would surely make sure I got the love and attention I needed.

We finished up our breakfasts and coffee and Suzanna declared that our conversation had left her feeling very good about everything or rather, as she said, "really wonderful!" So wonderful that after she said goodbye to Paul, she said was genuinely still horny for me.

I asked her if she was too sore or if this was a pity-fuck or out of some kind of obligation but when she kissed me and said to me, "come on and make me cum again baby" she took my hand and led me back upstairs to the bedroom. It seemed like she really was into it.

And was she ever. If anything her teasing about how she felt and how her pussy felt was amazing to hear. She did NOT let me lick her. She asked me if I felt I needed to do that and I did tell her that I liked how it felt to be so close to her and to be tasting all of her. She said she hoped I understood that she just wanted to be left alone but she kissed me and promised me that, "don't worry baby, I'm still horny, I've got at least one more good one in me" referring to an orgasm.

And so we took our turn. She was tender and she told me I had to use a little lube with the condom but once she got started, she was right, she WAS horny and even with the condom I could feel her get wet for me. She cooed and told me how wonderful it was that I made it so special with Paul and I felt her hand touch my cock and feel the condom. I cannot describe how wet and open she felt beneath me. I loved that Paul had felt her and made her feel this way; I honestly love that he gets to cum in her!

Oh, and she encouraged me, telling me how huge my cock felt in her many many times, telling me one time that it's bigger than his (whether she meant it or not, I'm not sure) but hearing her encourage me was intense.

She knew such talk and teasing would set me off and, sure enough, just a moment later she looked up at me and said, "I love that you don't cum in me, baby... It's just for Paul now isn't it Isn't that right?"

Oh my god, after all of her teasing me like that and telling me how wet he makes her, well, let's just say that any resolve I had just dissolved, I was on the edge and she knew it. And, sure enough, a moment later when she whispered, "he came in me again this morning" I just let go with my own orgasm. She didn't feel it coming on but she sure did respond when she did, a second later her legs flew back and I saw her hand move down to rub her button as I stayed pretty hard and kept at her. A moment later she began to shake and quiver and almost without any effort at all she slipped into her own intense orgasm. I could feel her fingers still rubbing her clit as she began to tremble beneath me. It may not have been one of those earth-shattering orgasms, but nonetheless, even I could feel how slick and open her pussy became.


Suzanna told me that Paul sometimes feels weird with me jerking off while he's with her. I can't remember exactly how she put it but she said that he said that it makes him feel uncomfortable and takes his mind off things when he notices that I am stroking my cock. She said that, just like me, he's first starting to get used to all of this and to feel like it's something 'normal' but he says that it still makes him feel awkward.

I told her that I understood that as there are certainly many things that I feel awkward about. I suggested that maybe he'd rather I wasn't really all that visible to him, that seeing me jerking off wasn't really a turn-on for him but if I was behind them or that sort of thing he didn't really care.


She told me that she hasn’t anything other in mind than to want to feel like she's with him when we're skiing. She's told me that when she can feel that way with him, like when she went away with him or when she's been there for a long time, she gets into being with him and doing sexy stuff that gets her horny. She said that, unlike last year when he wasn't really staying with us, this time she wants the weekend to be something she really can get worked up about and that she wants it to be very fulfilling for her; that she wants to make sure that I am going to be okay with it all.

Just to get everything into context, I should say that we've arranged 2 of our own weekends away when she's assured me that it'll just be the two of us and that it'll be our time to get close to one another again. Two weekends in February are what we're hoping for and then maybe a little more time in March for both her and Paul as well as her and me again.

I know it's going to be a lot to deal with for a whole weekend but at the same time, it's something I've been thinking about ever since they went away together, to see them how they were when they were alone together. I love to see her feel like she's a teenager again!


Christmas is coming around again and like Birthdays or anniversaries, so far we have not made much ado about them other than to be together. (At our ages, birthdays aren't always something we want to celebrate and with me hitting 56 and her hitting the big 55, it wasn't something we wanted to be reminded of!)

There was some sexual context to the celebrations but mainly kept low-key and we did have sex on many/most/all of those occasions during this past year, all with me mostly using a condom with her. However, there were a few times when I was allowed to cum in her. To my recollection there were 5 times in the past year (so far) that I came in her, I believe, where Paul goaded me into it, the other times were when she/we/I relented over the summer.

However, this Christmas I just had to share the most erotic gift Suzanna may have ever given me.

After we'd handed out all our gifts and we were relaxing after breakfast she came over to me and sat on my lap and let me peek down her robe and night-shirt as she handed me an envelope and said they were some 'coupons' for next year. She told me to go upstairs and look at them and then come back down afterward.

The first coupon said 'Good for one blow-job and at the bottom next to an asterisk it said 'includes swallowing and making sure you are well drained. My cock began to throb.

I was eager for the 2nd. It said 'You can put your cock in me bare' and at the bottom next to the asterisk it merely said 'does NOT include cumming in me'.

The third said 'We will have sex when you want (meaning me) and at the bottom next to the asterisk it merely said 'requires use of a condom'.

The fourth said 'We will have sex when you want it' and at the bottom next to the asterisk it merely said 'one time, no condom required'.

All 3 had a small 'expiration date' of next year's New Years Eve.

My cock was throbbing and it took me a few minutes to calm down. When I came back downstairs she said that the coupons are for me for when I want her sexually. She said that she felt bad that a few times when I'd suggested we have some fun, that she had wanted me to have some fun when I wanted it.

Now all of this follows on to a gift that I offered her and which I knew she'd accept. We'd talked a lot that I'll share another day but suffice to say that one of the equally personal gifts I gave her was my agreement to continuing our condom usage for the next 12 months.

She kissed me passionately and told me a profuse thank-you for letting her have and feel something special with Paul.


We’d been talking on/off all along but it was Christmas Eve when we found ourselves alone for a while after everything was done and cleaned up. I knew that we weren't going to be having sex at all that night, not when we were going to be up pretty early the next morning and have visitors over during the day, and I had just masturbated with her the night before when some of what we continued talking about started.

She again started telling me that I should stop fighting against what turns me on and just enjoy it, that she feels I am tense and anxious about it at times.

I told her honestly that while it really turned me on to be doing what we were, that a part of me seemed to be reluctant to let go.

She looked at me and asked me if I missed fucking her like Paul does. She said it straight-up like that and asked me if I missed it; if it was worth it to me to miss it if it made me feel good.

I can't remember what words I used but I guess it sort of came out that in ways I don't know if it feels okay to me, but I guess maybe she was right in how she interpreted it. As we talked it sort of came out that I didn't feel comfortable at times showing her how much it turned me on knowing it meant that it was less sexual contact between us.

She was the one who held me and said that it wouldn't change a thing no matter what turned me on, and that's what she wanted me to really understand, that despite of what turns me on, it doesn't change how she feels about me. She actually said that it would make her feel wonderful if I could ever fully open up to her and share what really turns me on and how I really feel about it.

She held my hand, and I remember this so clearly, said she'd listened to me a lot over the past few years. She said to me something like, "I know it really turns you on that I do things with Paul that I don't with you … I know you like knowing that, knowing that I enjoy sex with him and not with you". She immediately followed by saying that it wasn't quite how it sounded but I also knew that there was some truth in that so I asked her as clearly as I could whether that was okay with her, that she enjoyed it with him and not (as much) with me. She said, " yes. "

I guess I must have showed how I felt because she held me tightly and said that she's felt that way for a while now, and she looked at me and said that once she felt I really wanted to be the 'beta thing' as she puts it, that she let herself go with it. She told me that now, she has sex with me more because she knows 'we' need it and that I need it but she also said that I should know that it is much better with Paul.

She said that she never fakes it with me (and I believe her); that there are some feelings and sensations that can't be faked, but she also said that over time she's found herself wanting it more with him than with me.

Thing was she looked at me and said, "isn't this what you wanted?" and asked me if there was anything that I would want to be different. Before I could answer she asked me, "do YOU enjoy it more now and are YOU getting what you wanted is more the question?".

She held my hand and she said that as long as I was turned on and enjoying it, that I should just let myself go and not worry so much about everything. I told her that I was more concerned with how things were changing between us and she said to me, "so, I cum with him instead of you? That's really all it is baby, the rest is what you and I make from it".

She looked at me and asked again, "So, how is it for you?" adding rhetorically, that it certainly seems to be good and reminding me of how full the condoms are sometimes!

I guess she finally wore me down or got through to me because I told her that while a part of me hated it, the other parts of me (more and more so) really found it arousing and fulfilling to use condoms with her.

She asked me why and I told her that somehow not having her, knowing that Paul has that part of her, is something that just turns me on, as if she's keeping that from me as a secret or something that I'll only get to have at some point in the future.

She asked me if it was too much with Paul and whether the weekends away skiing will be okay saying that they are sometimes playful when they're messing around, adding, "you and I used to do that too, remember?" She said that she wants to feel like she can be free to be with him as she wants to be when we're away and that I'm not going to get all upset or moody.

I told her that I will be okay but that at the end of that weekend I am so going to want her. She smiled and giggled and told me, "see, that's what I want us and you to feel; that when we get home I'm sure you'll have your turn".

She asked whether I missed feeling her bare and whether I enjoyed using condoms or not. I told her honestly that it just felt good to not cum in her and that. yes, I so missed feeling her bare; at the same time, knowing Paul has her freely is something that I want to have continue. It made her smile when I said, "it just feels right to me somehow".

She asked me if the things she's been doing with me have been helping and I told her honestly it has, that I am feeling more secure in things with her and that her openness has kept it incredibly sexy, including her 'anatomy lessons'. That made her laugh and she added, "well you should know what he gets to feel" which I knew was intended to turn me on and make it clear what she was emphasizing to me.

She started to steer the conversation again towards whether I enjoyed the condom play we are doing and, "… if you understood and liked what that means, right?"

I again told her yes and her question made me suspect she still wanted me to talk more and I remember saying, "yes baby, it turns me on that you take him bare" to which she answered, "and not you?"

That made me groan but I told her yes.

She encouraged me to tell her more and then asked me, " what is the 'most intense part' for you?"

I had to tell her honestly that it was when I heard and saw and knew that he was cumming in her. She sighed for a second at the memory before saying, " …. and that you don't get to do that?"

I just nodded, "yeah, that's part of it".

Satisfied with my answer she changed tack and asked if I've given any thoughts about next year yet. Not sure to what she was referring I said, "what do you want?"

To which she smiled and said, "I asked you first but how you answer won't change how I feel about you".

I asked her if she'd tell me honestly what she would want after I answered her; she said yes. So I told her that I wanted to continue next year with me not cumming in her. I looked at her for her reaction and then asked her what she would have said if she had answered first.

She said, "I'd have said the same as you baby, I want to enjoy this as long as we can".


I was much amused (and aroused) at her Christmas present and asked what led up to her taking some time on Christmas morning to write up those 'gift coupons' She later told me that she'd been thinking about giving me them but didn't want to if I didn't feel that I wanted to continue what we were doing. Hence her questions earlier to me about my thoughts of next year.

These coupons she said will give me a few times that I can say when I want to have it if she's not so much in the mood or if I just need to feel her or something. She hinted that maybe I'd save the 2 bare coupons for when/if we go away someplace romantic next year.

Since then, we've talked openly about enjoying New Years Eve and again planning some kind of ceremony of sorts to mark going into the next 12 months. I reminded her that last New Year’s Eve I'd cum in her and she giggled and said, "well, that's not happening this year" but then added, " … oh, we'll have fun, just you don't get to do that part that honey!"

Saying that, she added, "see, that's the sort of playfulness and openness I want to have between us about this" and used this banter to emphasise that she doesn't want to have to have this sex with Paul thing just be when we're in bed or in a sexy mood together, that she wants to make it something we can talk about more openly at other times.

I told her that we can work at that but it may take a while!


Suzanna asked me to explain more about how I felt

I felt a little awkward at first but she genuinely wanted to talk about it and to make things easier for me she shared some of her own thoughts on how she enjoys feeling and sharing sex with me and how she does orgasm with me. She also said it's different than with Paul and not just because of the condom.

She told me that she wants to be able to share with me that she enjoys sex with him and it's not just because it's what turns me on any more. I listened as she told me how she likes sharing herself with him and letting him be one with her when they have sex. She told me all the talks and showing me her pussy and all of that was because she likes how she feels now; that she really does look to him for her deeper sexual pleasure and that she wants to be able to feel we can share that sort of thing on an ongoing basis … instead of just when she comes home from being with him or the few/fewer times that we have sex together.

She asked me how I felt about us possibly having even less sex together. I told her I knew some of this was coming, and that I knew the weekends were a step in that direction and I came back to the same thoughts, that I liked how it felt to want it. I did say that's how I felt about it in the short term but the longer term always worried me that we were going places we can't easily go back from. She held me tight and again said that it's not that she wants to go further, at least not right now, but if that happened, that like everything else we would work it out.

I paused for a moment and she looked at me, giggled and said, "you can be honest with me baby …. there's no reason to hide things. I told you what I like - you know - feeling him in me when he cums.... it's just something that feels wonderfully special and I KNOW you like that

She was right, I think I was scared to say it to her. Not sure why, we weren't in bed and weren't talking very sexy other than just talking really and so I told her that, " yeah, I did like it and that it turns me on to think about it" and then I sort of let go and told her some other stuff. I told her how it turned me on to see her naked at times when we weren't going to be having sex, like in the mornings after her shower or getting changed before bed or whatever; that when I see her pussy and see it shaved bare that all I can think about is Paul's semen being in her and making her pussy-lips feel all slippery from inside.

She looked at me and smiled and even giggled a bit as she said, "wow, you do think about very specific things.... and explicit too!"

I wasn't sure but I thought I caught her blushing as she was a little red in the face at first but then she smiled and said, "For me, it's not specific like that, it's just an overall way of feeling sexy when I think about Paul and how I think about sharing myself with him...." She continued (and this is my recollection not her specific words) " … you though, it's so focused. I never thought about that part" and she looked at me and said, "I'm so focused on when Paul cums in me instead of you."

It was a really nice moment that we could share something like that. I told her that I get turned on by thoughts such as those. She smiled and said she hadn't ever really thought about that and said that it explained a lot of things she'd never understood clearly.


I think that in some ways I have put her on a pedestal in some way and I feel like I almost worship her sexually now. When we talked she said she was surprised by how I'd changed over the years but also said to me that she sees many other things in our past now that she thinks fit right into what turns me on. Not just the things in the past few years but even before that, she said she remembered things about when we were dating and how I was about her seeing other guys and how I never told her not to. Things like that.

I guess in many ways she's right. I mean I don't know what I want in the future any more than I did years ago of what I wanted sexually from her; now, it's changed. It's been amazing for me to let her go and let her enjoy and to truly see she does love me and wants to enjoy the sex and what goes with it, but wants to share it with me.


The last thing to note is that we spoke about my worries about 'what does and doesn't turn me on'. I said that she might think it was weird when I did finally come out and confess about enjoying the condoms. She surprised me when she simply said, "so, that's 'your thing', some guys like one thing or another; some guys like anal sex, while others like getting blow-jobs. You enjoy condoms and what they do in your head .... Paul thinks it's neat that you have a fetish like that .... at least that's how he sees it."

She held my hand and added, "it's all okay honey, I told you my sister and that jerk of a husband always use condoms and he's just fine about it." She giggled and said, "it probably turns him on the same way as you … wouldn't that be funny if he was fantasizing about the same as what turns you on?"

I'm not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better or what.


Questions, questions; they keep swirling around in my head.

Do I want sex with Suzanna anymore? Of course I do., my god, if anything I want her even more. It's not that I don't want her, quite the opposite, everything she does makes me want her. The conflict isn't whether I want sex with her or not, it's how often and what occurs in between that affects me. Maybe it's as simple as 'I want her but only after she's been satiated by Paul' but that's not true either as we have wonderful sex without him going first or before me.

Does she desire sex with me? I would hope that answer to this one is 'of course' too but would clarify that by saying she wants it with me 'when SHE wants it with me'. She's now said she prefers sex with him in some ways but then again, my understanding is that her desire originated with my wishes and she still says that my happiness is still behind all of what she is doing. This may be infrequent in comparison, however, I know that if I should wish to relinquish my beta desires and resume my alpha role with her, I am totally confident that her 'preference' would shift back to me. Leastways, that's how I see it.


Does their time together increase their bond? Yes, obviously it does, bond, friendship, whatever you want to call it. However, the reality is that although I write mostly about the sex and what we do together, their time together isn't increasing very much. A lot of her free-time, percentage-wise, the days off and holidays and other times are still spent with me and our ******.

Does her time, being with him worry me? I think the time for that concern has now long passed by so, no it doesn't worry me in terms of it becoming a problem or issue, it's actually a bit of a turn-on that he is so comfortable with her and vice-versa.


What if she comes to me and says she wants to leave me; how would this happen exactly? Is she going to come home suddenly, tonight, or next week or next month and without warning say that?

If yes, then everything up to now has been a lie and while that would hurt tremendously, it just doesn't seem likely to be something I would even think about. If it's something that happens over time, then that would be an equally bad thing but that would imply again that there hasn't been openness and honesty somewhere. Again, not what I feel right now from either of them so how do I try to frame that as a legit concern?

Are the earlier options of 'I want you now' and 'We need to stop this now' still available to me?

I say an emphatic 'yes' to the first. I still know in my heart that if under some kind of circumstances I went to Suzanna and said that I need to feel and cum in you now and it was a true feeling, I know that she would never say no. Perhaps she would try to coax me out of it if it were less of an urgent desire for me; in my head I can hear her asking me as I climbed up on top of her in that situation, 'do you really want to do this, need me bare?'. Perhaps she might tell me that the 'brake card', the 'safe word', is off the table now but I do feel that if either of us felt that there was some sort of real reason to stop something, like if she said she began to feel more for him than she/we are comfortable with, or if either of us got some bad vibes from Paul, then I do think we would talk about it and likely stop. However, if it's not an urgent situation like that, then, no, I'd have to say that I do feel I can no longer just on a whim or desire say I want her to stop.

That's a bit of a big thing to admit to but I do feel it's the truth.


Is denial a game?

No, I don't think so. I am willing to accept and admit that she genuinely enjoys how things have worked out. Whether her own desires have morphed to fit better with where I'm comfortable that I don't know. Now she has truly begun enjoying the dynamics of my denial I think it's no longer a game, so-to-speak.

Is it required?

No but it does seem to have become a bit of a norm which lends credence to all of the above in that I find sexual arousal and even some sense of satisfaction in being denied or knowing I am being denied.


How does what we do now differ from just being friends?

We share a life together, that's how it's different. She shares with me what she does with Paul in her own way knowing I am turned on by it. We share a different but still significant sexual relationship that 'just friends' don't but, at the same time, we share our life and our ****** and our soul together. That's what being married is and how it differs from being just friends. You feel connected and as one … even if your genitals don't connect.


How to keep the spark alive?

I find this a weird question. We are in our mid-50s, married for almost 30 years; just the fact that we still even play around sexually at all puts us in such a unique place among our peers.

That’s what all this is about, finding the spark that sustains our excitement with and about each other. She has a huge 'wonder' and amazement at me and how she is finding she can stimulate and arouse me. I am loving that she is still very much a desirous sexual being who wants not just me but others.

Had we not pursued this direction, the alternative would have been a gradual slow-down of sex for both of us with the associated resentments over time maybe with one or both of us having a hurtful affair to get that spark going again. The fact that I love her fucking Paul is a huge spark that has ignited a lot of our relationship in ways that others seem envious of when they see us together.

Do I want to become a 'girlfriend' of hers as a confidante? That'd be hot if she could feel that way and maybe it may very well be what she is trying to achieve but not as the only point of contact or relationship between us.


I think about her saying that she wants to have about 2 week periods of exclusivity with him. I am quite sure that is coming in the future as she's all but spelled it out. Again, I can't explain it but it's something that I do want to see and experience with her.

The thing, and this is what makes me comfortable, is that we aren't talking about 'forever' here. She's never said that at some point it is going to end there; there is still a need at times for us to connect intimately,sexually. I know that we both will want and probably need that at some point. Suzanna knows that when we go away alone or are in a romantic setting or, as we will be for New Years Eve and were at Christmas, that we are always going to be there for each other and I'll say it, even if infrequently, still have sex together.

Yes, I am a bit scared and hesitant to possibly get to a point where she wants it with me far less than I do, or where there are longer periods of time between our own reconnecting but, at the same time, I can say that I want to experience that in a way, to see her wanting it.

Even now, knowing what we've said to each other and what she's shared with me, when I saw her getting dressed this morning I found myself even more aroused at her. She saw me staring at her as she walked around in just her panties and she undoubtedly knew what I was thinking. She joked with me, "too bad, a few minutes earlier and I'd have had these off" and she snapped the waistband of her panties.

The thought of being deprived seeing her naked turned me on for a moment there.

So it's kind of weird. What I can say is that I think about how she's been for the past few years with Robert and now with Paul and, more-so, how she's been with me through all of it maybe finally given me the trust and relationship-courage to let myself go and enjoy something that I'd long been turned on about and can perhaps finally experience.

I guess our talking has kind of spurred me to a more honest look at myself. She says that when we first met she remembers me doing things that seemed strange at the time but now seem to fit. I don't know, if that what spurs her on, I mean I told her that I knew she was seeing other guys back when we first started dating and how it turned me on back then. Apparently there's more to what I must have said or done or perhaps asked about or maybe told her I was okay with? I will have to ask her what she is remembering that I don't.

Somehow that is also very comforting to me; that maybe this is what I've wanted all along and am now comfortable in experiencing with her? Or is it as simple as admitting that I want to live out what had been a fantasy and am still enjoying it?

Maybe it's that I've changed and accepted enough that she has now exposed her own desires?

Whatever it is, it's a hoot to be doing at a time when others around us are talking retirement ages and grandkids. We still want to be active and as evidence of that we are into scheduling our own ski-weekends now. Based on the snowfall (or lack of) we are looking towards later in February or early March for our own times.

Anyway, that's all of my thoughts for now; the thoughts of a confessed cuckold and I am loving it and to prove it, my cock is perpetually hard thinking about my wife and what we are doing!


She's heading home a little early from work today and I think we're going to head out to a local place for cocktails and appetizers before dinner seeing as both kids have abandoned us yet again this evening.

She surprised me when she told me she was going to take some time off tomorrow from work and spend it with Paul. She apologized for the short-notice but said it took a while to confirm with her boss she can have the time off. But she did say that we'll have some fun later when she gets home.


Being denied bare intercourse with my wife isn't the end of the world for me, it actually is the beginning of a crazy world that turns me on so much. Maybe I'm vicariously living out my own fantasies through her if I'd been a woman I’d surely have been a slutty one! Maybe I am in my mind making Suzanna become the hooker who fucked all of the frat-pledges at that college party I went to where I just watched but was so taken by what i saw. But to me, it just feels good to relinquish this for now - I suppose it's like giving up something for Lent in a way, it makes you think more about it and savour it more. All i know is that now that things are out in the open more it was wonderful to talk to Suzanna openly this morning about her giving Paul a holiday-present all afternoon - and her feeling free to tell me how horny she is for him and that she's been looking forward to this for a few days now. She then giggled and came over to me and kissed me and said "it'll be fun to share it with you tomorrow night and tell you all about it".


She got home about 6pm tonight and only our ******** was home and she was engrossed in Facebook or something on the computer. Suzanna motioned for me to follow her upstairs and when we got in the bedroom she asked/told me, "we're waiting till tomorrow right?" and when I said yes she said, "okay, then you can watch and we can talk for a bit while I get changed".

She proceeded to undress in front of me and got down to her bra and panties while looking through her drawer she started to talk to me. She said she hoped this would be good for us and she told me that she'd had a wonderful time today and giggled that Paul "was really happy to see me!" I talked easily back to her and asked if he'd been anxious waiting for this long to see her again. She smiled at me in the mirror and she said that he was very horny and she looked at me for a second and then said "we made love before lunch for the first time" and when she saw that if anything I just smiled at her she continued and said that she enjoys being at his place where she can enjoy him for a longer period of time. As I watched she unclipped her bra and let it slide off her arms and she tossed it in the hamper before standing back in front of her dresser picking out a t-shirt to pull on. She glanced up at me continuously in the mirror and said "what?" to me when I kept staring and I told her simply that I liked seeing her get undressed and that I loved seeing her breasts and that it turned me on to think of Paul sucking and playing with them. She blushed a bit and smiled. She pulled the t-shirt over her head and she reached under and pulled off her panties. When she looked up and saw me still staring at her she smiled and said "okay...." and she pulled the t-shirt up to her waist and she turned around for me and said "there - see - my pussy". She picked out a pair of panties and before putting them on she walked over to me and pulled her shirt up one more time and said "see - up close.... and yes, I'm still wet.... now let me go wash up a little" and as I sat on the bed she walked into the bathroom and as she smiled at me she knew what I loved to watch. She put one foot up on the toilet and she let me watch her wipe all around her pussy before turning to me and saying "say goodnight till later" and she pulled the panties up. A pair of comfy lounge pants followed and she came and sat next to me on the bed and as she kissed me she felt my hard cock. A moment later she said "I like being able to talk more openly with you like this sweetie". And with that she went over to putz around with her jewelry and take off her earrings and such.

Thing was - this is what I wanted to post about before it fell out of my head. So she turns and sits next to me on the bed and she tells me she and Paul were talking about how long it's going to possibly be before they spend the night together again and she said they realized that it might not be till we are away skiing that it works out for them. She said that Paul was concerned about how I was going to be with them for the whole weekend seeing how they were today. She said that she was going to talk with me but Paul was the one who asked if there was anything she could think of. I cringed when she told me that she told him that long ago, when she was dating Dan (not sure she told him who but she told me when she talked to me) that sometimes I would masturbate a lot, like multiple times, to make it easier on me afterwards if she was going to be doing something sexy. So she looked at me and said "do you ever still do that, or you know, want to do that.... you know, where you tell me when we're done that you're really drained or empty, however you described it?...." and as she looked at me she said "... do you remember that baby? It was when I first really started to like watching you do it....”

I nodded and the said yes, that I did remember (very well once she mentioned it) and that no, I hadn't done that in a relatively long time. She leaned over towards me and kissed me and said "I always thought it was really sexy to watch you..... You remember?" and when I nodded and said a hoarse "yes" she kissed me again and said "maybe it would be a good thing to do for when we go away skiing? Would that make it easier on you?". I told her I wasn't sure and that, in being honest with her I said "I don't know baby, I mean yeah, it was good, but.... how should I say this?" and she immediately said "just tell me honey" and I said "well, I kind of want to be a little horny when we are away". She got such a huge smile on her face and she said "I would love that honey, you know that I would love for you to enjoy yourself... if you are okay with it...." and after a brief pause she added "it'll just be you though, I'm not sure I'm going to feel right going into you and helping you or anything like that.... okay?". I nodded and I hugged her and I told her I loved her and that it felt good being able to talk to her. She hugged and kissed me back.

Yes, I had a big hard on - I mean my cock has been throbbing all day - but I have to say that it feels so good to want her so much right now. Just as we went to go downstairs, or rather - she did, I had to wait for my cock to calm down- but just before she went down she hugged and kissed me and felt my hard cock and smiled and said "mmmm, we're going to have our own fun tomorrow night honey".

So she's on the phone again with her sister and probably will be for a while so I'm going to end this post here and give my cock a few minutes to calm down and then head to the den and hang out with my ******** and maybe find something to watch on TV. I should also mention that I did check in the hamper and I loved the feeling of anticipation as i opened the top of the hamper and found her panties she'd taken off and yes, the crotch was quite damp and chalky white around the edges where it'd dried already. From the size of the stain, no wonder she wanted to clean up a bit.


Suzanna said Paul mentioned he felt weird with me jerking off while I'm with them, not that he thinks it's weird for me needing to do it but that he is a little self-conscious in a way. She said that he'd not made a big deal about it.

It’s true that I am less involved with them when all 3 of us are together and I am also sure it's more Suzanna's doing than Paul’s.

Conjecture on my part is that earlier on Paul wasn't aware of my beta/cuckold desires (neither was I!) so I also think a part of his accepting my inclusion was, from his view, me needing to be involved in order to make it work with Suzanna.

I am quite sure that she is working on making sure that she feels confident that I'll be comfortable when we're away next month. She's sharing more about what they do together and revealing more of that in the time they're together (so far at least) so I suppose it's her way of making sure things go well. It's actually interesting as it answers a lot of the questions I have in my head about what exactly they do together when they're alone. In a way I'm glad it's this more playful open interaction than something where they may spend a lot of time in bed or emotionally closer.

She's in the shower right now and we have plans to go out to dinner (reservations made months ago) and then come home to an empty house. She teased me going into the shower when she turned to face me naked, pointed to her pussy and said, "I'll give this a once-over so you can have some fun later". That I understood to mean that she was going to tidy up and give it a closer shave for my benefit.

God, she really knows how to push my buttons!


So, another book completed to be put on the shelf with all the others.

Best I find a new one, I'm thinking there is still going to be plenty to write about soon!