Journal of a Journey - Book 103

We've started talking about when we'll go away next and when I can next have her. Her thinking is probably in 5 week's time, may be the last weekend in July.

She asked me if that was okay to wait so long and I told her that we should try it and see whether that last week becomes just too much. She said that she would really be wanting me if we waited that long and smiled and said that she's already starting to think about us doing that. She added that whenever she's with Paul, that she wanted me to know that she thinks about me a lot.

What I'm trying to say is that this is the equilibrium or new-norm we've seemed to have fallen into. It's now come just so easy between us especially with our kids are both giving us a lot of room; they both of them have cars and it turns out they are rarely at home.

Between us, it's just become easier sexually to simply accept that it will be every 4 or 5 weeks or so is when it is 'our turn' and that in between, my god, I am so into how it feels to know she is with him and not me.


The first week or so masturbating is incredibly satisfying but now I recognize how that feeling changes into one of more desire for her as the weeks pass by. I won't say jerking off isn't as good (I still have the satisfaction and enjoyment) but as the weeks go by I find my desire for her grows and I need to be with her more and more. So much so that by the last week I am jerking off but instead of feeling drained I am still being horny for her and wanting her more and more.

She knows that and says that it is the same for herself, that she is wanting to feel more and more of it herself; that's what she's wanted to get to feeling about me again and the lack of pressure or this obligatory feeling to pleasure me is what's helping her build up her desires for me much in the same way.

It may not make sense to everyone but it has become quite clear to me that this dynamic works for us.

Will it always? Probably not. If Paul fades from the picture then things will change. Till then I can also see us playing with the time between our weekends away.


Last night was a repeat of the last time she saw him on Wednesday afternoon. I had texted her that both our kids wouldn't be home till later last night and so she stayed at Paul's a bit later than usual.

It was after 7pm when she came in and from the look on her face it was obvious she hadn't been fully 'satisfied' and that she really needed to be with him. We went to bed and she encouraged me to masturbate and for me to give her a little oral relief but that was clearly not enough for I 'felt her' getting herself off on Tuesday morning (she doesn't think I know, when she woke up she thought I still was asleep).

I sensed she was really looking forward to fucking him. In a way, it really turned me on that I had gotten her horny for him and I was pleased to think that he would be equally horny for her after not seeing her last week.

It might be difficult to understand just how awesome it felt last night to have her in bed with me; to hear her ask me to help undress her and her show me her pussy and to know that I wasn't going to get to fuck her; that I was just going to get to enjoy hearing what she would be doing with him. I was so eager myself to strip down and masturbate while I got to lick and play with her and she didn't disappoint me.


With her now really knowing that I want her to enjoy everything with Paul, it seems to be what she needed to let go of these feelings she'd talked about and she knew last night that I wasn't going to have sex with her even though I might have wanted to. Maybe I did but I was more eager to kneel next to her and masturbate instead. I guess that's really the big part that she and I have both come to accept and stop questioning or feel awkward about.


I love it that she lets Paul cum in her. I would even go as far as to say that if she asked me to use condoms with her on our weekends away that I would. It's difficult to explain but giving up that intimacy with her just turns me on incredibly. Last night gave me that same feeling , seeing her labia swollen as I pulled her panties off, seeing her pussy open as she spread her legs and reveal all of her. Just knowing that he'd had his bare cock in her that way not more than a few hours earlier continues to take my breath away till this day.

We'd talked beforehand and I knew she only wanted my fingers and tongue in her, but last night surprised me when she asked me, after a few minutes of having fun, to 'make me cum one more time'.

I moved to a better position and let her enjoy my tongue while I finger-fucked her with one, then two and then three fingers. She moaned and sighed until she pushed me away and told me she wanted to watch me too. It turned her on for us to be in a sort of 69'ing on our side and this time when I had her going she didn't ask or make me stop and I so loved feeling and seeing her cum from my fingers.

Then she said it was 'my turn' and I began to stroke more firmly. I was almost there when she rolled onto her back away from me and moved so she was up close with my cock as I started to stroke again. She teased me that, "this is all you get till we go away baby" and I felt her hand caress my balls for a moment as she moaned and sighed out loud.

It didn't take me more than just a few moments before the eroticism of the moment got to me and she knew it. When I was about to cum she whispered, "aim it here" and she cupped her hand near the head of my cock. A moment later I filled her palm with my sticky load including drawing out the last few drops which made her moan out loud. I knew what was coming next and even as I caught my breath I knew to turn onto my side so that she could bring her hand up to my mouth.

Even after cumming intensely last night, I'm still rock hard again thinking of her being with him tonight.


Our ******** has gone away for the weekend with girlfriends and our son was out late so we both got home to an empty house. We went up to the bedroom at Suzanna's request leading me to believe we were going to have a little fun but my short hopes were dashed when she said that she didn't want her fun to be with me. Then she looked at me and hinted that she may be ready to and wanting to resume us having sex ('sometimes' as she put it) on the weekends. Before I could respond to that suggestion she said, "I would want you to still use condoms baby, that'll make our weekends away be something still really special for us".

What more could I say or do than hug her deeply and tell her that it sounded wonderful.


With the kids out tonight there was no reason for me to go out tonight. It was also a relief not to be making excuses or give reasons to them for their mother being out late herself. Suzanna will be home by 10-ish, long before our son will get home, our ******** has gone off with girlfriends for the weekend again.

Our denial-play is changing. Suzanna and I have continued talking and she actually said to me that she feels that me coming out to her with my beta-desires helped her a lot without her realizing it at first. She said it caught her off guard and that it took her a while to understand it but when she did, she felt relieved. Then she accused me of 'reading her mind', that me coming out with that made her realize what she was feeling and had I not said and asked to be treated like that, then she may have not figured herself out!

The way she said it (and believe me, I was listening because I was surprised at what she'd put together in her head) was that my request to stop being sexual with her was what led her to realize what was bothering her because suddenly she felt different about me. She said she stopped having the feelings, that she'd never put her finger on, that she could come home after being with Paul and that she wouldn't have to think about being with me in any way. She even went as far as to say that she even feels it's addressed her feelings that she'd had about wanting a 'whole big affair' and she now seems pretty resolute when she says that she thinks she was wanting to feel this kind of sexual independence/self-determination thing.

I told her that I was really only thinking of myself when I told her of my beta-desires and again told her that I still felt them. However, I also suggested that going 4-5 weeks without much, if any, sexual contact is probably too much for us over a longer term.

She agreed but asked if that meant a change in my beta-wishes. I told her honestly 'no' that I still really enjoyed the knowing that she was going to him when she was horny … but I told her that I certainly wouldn't say no to pleasing her myself when she wanted it!

She liked how I said that and told me that maybe when she gets home tonight that it'll be one of those nights when she'll want me.


Much has been discussed and we have come to an agreement.

It began with Suzanna saying that she told Paul more of what we are (and have been) doing. The context is a bit unclear but from how she explained it, he said something during sex about '...is this how Stefan does it...?' She said that she then told him about our denial-play and how he's been the only one to cum in her for most of this year.

I was a bit upset at first to hear this as I wasn't sure I really wanted him to know but she said his honest reply was, "I always thought he was kind of kinky".

I asked her to tell me more and as she explained it, he didn't think too much about it at all and at one point said, "lucky Stefan!"


Last Thursday a part of me was hoping that perhaps we might have sex or to be a little involved when she came home; another part of me said that I should expect her to have enjoyed herself and that enjoying the afterglow without my intrusion might be what she wanted.

After hearing what they had talked about, I admit that my arousal had faded. I still am not totally sure about how I felt about her telling him but she said that when she told him about our condom use in the past and our expanded denial-play this year (after his 'lucky-Stefan' response) he told her that it was pretty cool that we play like this together. She said that even she was surprised at his response but then he said something about me having been okay with everything that we'd done together, that this didn't really surprise him at all. He joked that 'had he not seen me in person and with her' he'd have assumed that I was impotent or something like that. She emphasised that he said it sincerely and didn't make a joke about it.

My honest response to her was that I believed her/him and I remember complimenting her on continuing to pick 'nice' guys as lovers. That made her blush and she hugged me.

A short time later she told me to pull my boxers down and to show off my cock to her. I did as she asked and soon was stroking away while she was telling me that she is learning to enjoy my 'beta thing' and her saying that she's not questioning it any more.

As I stroked away she then surprised me and got me really hard by telling me that she wanted me to come with her to Paul’s next week. The way she put it was to say, "… it's been a long time since you watched baby".

Just the sexy way she said it, made me cum right then.


When Saturday night came around, we again had the house to ourselves, and she came to me early on in the evening and made it clear that she was horny and wanted me.

Sure enough, 9 pm or so we are up in our bedroom and she's changed into some very sexy lingerie and is asking me again about my 'beta thing' and whether I'm really serious about it. I tell her yes and she smiled.

She said how about we get some of those Penthouse Letters magazines out and do that thing where I'd read a little of a story to her and she'd get me all worked up with her hand and even sucking on my cock at times but not letting me cum. Then it was time to reverse roles and she read a story about a naughty wife (obviously) as I licked and sucked at her pussy. She looked down at me and asked me to tell her again how it turns me on to know she fucks Paul so much and I did as told as she thumbed through the magazine looking for a story she wanted to read more of.

She surprised me when she said, "here's another one" and she read out a story where the wife has several lovers and the husband always uses a condom with her. She moaned and said, "that turns me on....." and then she said it, "… and I know it really turns you on too".

I moaned but kept licking at her pussy and I can say that as she talked, she got wetter and wetter. She even teased me if I could still taste Paul in her which really got me horny! As she lay there and let me lick at her she continued to talk and tease, telling me that there are a lot of stories like that one and that, having heard Paul's reaction, maybe it's more common than she knew.

She again mentioned her sister (who other than when she wanted to have their kids has never let her husband cum in her, ever) as well as a co-worker she knew only use condoms. She got up on her elbows and said, "I think we should start doing that with you …" and then she said something that really turned me on, she said, " …. until you want to give up your beta-thing, I don't think you should cum in me at all …".

She concluded, ".. we should just make that our 'new norm'".

To say I was surprised is an understatement with me lying there with my face in her pussy. I can say that it was quite obvious that she was enjoying what she was saying and thinking. With a mouthful of pussy I was speechless whilst she continued to talk. She teased me that, "it'll just be our thing and I know it'll turn you on".

She did admit that she liked that she could let herself really cum with me like she had when we went away, "… even without you cumming in me". That was a lot to hear and I remember looking up and not really knowing what to say in response. She must have figured from the look on my face that she'd gone too far (we talked more and she apologized for surprising me like that) and she put her hand to stroke my face, then said she loved me and that, " … we can talk more …. later … " and her hand kind of guided me back towards her pussy.

We didn't talk much more but we did fuck and, no, I didn't use a condom with her. It never came up and it wasn't something either of us even thought about till afterwards when I'd rolled off her. We were laying there and then she 'recognized' that I'd cum in her. She didn't seem too happy about it when she turned over onto her side to face me and said, "I was serious before".


We awoke next morning and she asked me if 'not cumming in her' wasn't more of, ".. what you really wanted … to still have me but not have all of me?" She talked more and said that she wanted this to be easier and more fun between us and now that she's feeling good about everything (my conclusion, not her statement) she asked me if this was what I wanted?

I told her I wasn't sure and she went on and said that as long as she knows she can feel comfortable and sexy without necessarily having to give in or have sex with me or anything, that she likes knowing she can share and even flaunt what she's doing with Paul. She shared her thought when she told me that she so much enjoyed it when she was able to do that in the past. She cooed and teased me that, "you love knowing he cums in me so much, don't you?”

She tried to sound reasonable when she said it wouldn't be every week or anything regular but that she did want, like Saturday night when she wanted to go further, to know I will always be there, horny and ready for her She said she liked that idea and wanted to honestly know if it was maybe more of what I was looking for?

I was thinking about my answer and she reminded me that Paul thought it was pretty cool that this kind of play turned me on. She held my hand and said again how she thinks it's okay if it's what I want and that we should just make it a part of things, our 'new norm' that I would simply always use condoms with her.

Although it's something we'd talked and teased and done in the past, at that moment it became a bit more serious and focused; at that moment it truly was (and still is) something that I wanted.

I didn't answer so she repeated again, ".. that when you wanted to give up your 'beta-thing', that's when we could go back to bare".

There was a sincerity to how she said it; how else could it have been meant, we were both lying there naked still a bit sweaty from our fuck. I started to nod and she again said, "… it's okay if this turns you on baby, it really is…"

I said it, "yes.... okay...... let’s do it".

She immediately rolled over towards me and pressed her breasts against my chest and kissed me passionately and then she rolled back taking me with her as we kissed again. This time it was me up on my elbow on one side with her on her back next to me. She spread her legs a bit and when she saw me looking she spread them even more and then she giggled and said, "are you going to need one last time with me?" I nodded yes and she said, "… okay, we'll make that one special, is that what you want?"

I nodded again.

So that was Saturday night. Since then everything's been very light and relaxed between us but nothing sexual until earlier tonight when she said, "I'm seeing him tomorrow afternoon you know .."

I just said, "I know".

I can say that for me, maybe she's right, that this IS what I want. While I'm probably not conveying it well enough in words, I think there's a difference in how she is feeling about things now.


Yesterday I was preparing dinner when she came home a little later than me and I already knew just from the look on her face that she'd spent the afternoon with Paul. I followed her up to the bedroom and I asked, "enjoy your afternoon?"

She smiled and said, "yeah" and told me how the rain had really gotten heavy as they were getting into it and she said that, ".. hearing the rain beating outside, it made me really horny!" which was an odd thing to say. Then she came over to me and said something I did want to hear, she said, "you can feel if you want to".

My god, it'd been so long since she'd let me do something like this. I unbuttoned and unzipped her pants and then slid my hand in beneath her panties. I think my hands were shaking, it had been so long since I'd felt her like this with her seeming to want to 'show me' what she'd been doing, something I now realize has been missing for a long time.

My hand slid down and as I moved lower I couldn't help but get turned on at still feeling her bare pussy. When my hand reached her pussy she spread her legs to allow me to move lower. Her pussy was so so warm and even though I couldn't see it, I could tell her lips were a little swollen. As I moved lower to feel her wetness even more, I found her pussy lips spread apart almost welcoming and guiding my fingers. She didn't feel tight at all, my index finger slid right in and she moaned softly as I moved it around inside her recently fucked pussy.

A moment later she grabbed my wrist and said, "that's enough for now" and pulled my hand out. My fingers were wet and she somehow pulled me towards her for a kiss with my fingers between our lips. As we kissed I could taste the obvious taste of semen.

She saw the look on my face when the kiss ended and she said, "Mmm, nice … we'll talk more later .... right now that's made me hungry!"....


She told me when we were alone after dinner that I 'shouldn't expect anything tonight' and later when we were getting ready for bed, she was asking, "Do you want to come to Paul’s tomorrow evening? ... you know .... be there with us....!"

That was a surprise, to say the least! She said that they had talked about me joining them and told me that he again had said how it was, ".. cool what you guys are doing" and that he had complimented me on my being, ".. relaxed enough to let you (meaning her) enjoy it".

When I said I would join them she turned to look at me in bed asked if I was thinking I was going to have sex with her or not? I told her honestly that I didn't know but that I did miss seeing her.

She blushed at how I'd said that but she knew how I meant it to sound. I felt her hand grab onto mine hard but she didn't say anything. I turned to look at her and asked what she wanted and she said honestly she wasn't sure and asked if we could play it by ear.

I told her I understood and agreed that I wasn't sure how I was going to be either and wasn't sure how I was going to feel using a condom with her when I was seeing him having her bare. She smiled at me and said, " … he thinks that's kinky you know, that you get turned on by that".

It was my turn to blush.


This morning she showed me the undies she was putting on. I hadn't seen them before, it was a pair of leopard-print 'boy shorts' and a matching bra that had the same lace trim as around the panties around the top of her bra. She saw me smiling the whole time she walked around in just that. It got me really hard thinking about her walking around like that tonight in front of both of us.

Our kids think we are going out on a date tonight; dinner and a movie.


It does feel different, much more relaxed. I can almost feel it in her, just that she let me get my fingers in her and then feels comfortable about not doing anything more with me even when she saw my hard-cock in bed last night. She asked me if I was, "going to do anything about it?" meaning my hard-on and masturbating.

I told her the honest answer was that I was going to enjoy being so horny for her till later tonight and then I would see about doing something about it. She giggled at that but it was a really honest close intimate moment for us when I know that we both felt this was good for us.

Maybe a little denial is more effective than a lot?


My god, it was really awesome being there. It hit me that it's been a long time since I'd seen them together. They both admitted they felt a slight bit awkward with me there after them being alone together for so long now so I left them alone for a few minutes and only returned when I heard the obvious sounds from the next room.

Paul was very comforting and complimentary to me and told me several times how hot it was that I could be so relaxed about sex with Suzanna; he actually said he thought it was great that we could do this sort of stuff. He even said, in a nice way, that he could see how it'd be exciting to, "… do some different kind of stuff after you've been together for so long".

I wouldn't miss watching them fuck and seeing her once again being with Paul made me feel comfortable.

I got undressed and was with them as they were fucking. Suzanna looked over at me several times and, yes, I was jerking off as I watched. I am sure Paul also glanced over and saw what I was doing and it made me feel good when he seemed to not think anything of it (of course he was fucking her at the time).

I don't know if I will ever tire of seeing her with another man. I sometimes wonder if I've just become so used to it or desensitized to it that it really doesn't bother me to see him fucking her, balls-deep in her. If anything, it really excites me (and I'm sure the occasional loving, glazed-eye look from Suzanna helped me feel better).

I did not move from my chair when he came in her even though I knew it was happening. I was jerking off while watching and I held back and didn't cum when he came in her … but I did shortly afterwards after they'd both caught their breath and he took a few more strokes in/out of her. I got up and went over to the bed and just seeing his wet-cock pushed me over the edge. I grunted out loud when I came.

They'd made a mess of his bed already, he didn't say or seem to care that I'd left my puddle next to where they were. She smiled really broadly at me when she heard me; she didn't say anything, just smiled at me. That was interrupted by him leaning down to kiss her as he kept on fucking her a bit more.

I stayed hard and seeing her naked on the bed with him and, even more so, seeing just how comfortable they were together, jeez, it really gets to me sometimes. One vision that just came into my head again was seeing his hand on her pussy and seeing him deftly spread her labia with one hand and seeing how dark-pinkish and wet she was. Neither of them was looking at me.

Paul kept going with Suzanna and he leaned down to kiss her which really caused me to feel the angst of the moment. There aren't that many but that was one when I would have liked to have looked at her or held her hand but instead she stayed focused on him. I just stared for a moment at her, and him, but mainly her. I could see her right breast it just turned me on that he was pressed against her so all of her was in contact with him while he was still inside her. In the past I thought that getting aroused about that was something wrong to feel, but I have to say that I loved it and loved how she moved beneath him.

When their kiss turned a bit more passionate I grabbed up my clothes and left them alone. I don't know if they felt me move off the bed or not but I walked half-naked into his living room and then I started to tidy myself up and pulled my pants back on.

I heard some noise from his bedroom and as I was getting dressed Suzanna came out with one of his dress-shirts on with just one button in place. I hadn't heard her at first and I remember being just taken by how she looked literally having just been fucked a few minutes before and it so brought back memories of her when we were skiing coming into my room.

She asked me if I was okay and I just sighed and nodded. She smiled and said that she liked that I'd cum 'with us' and asked me if I was okay with everything.

I told her yes and we talked for a moment before she came closer and said, "want to feel?" With that she took a step and spreading her legs for me leaned towards me and kissed me, quite passionately as I ran my hand up her leg. My god, her whole pussy felt like it was on fire, the closer I got, the hotter it seemed. It was her turn to sigh and breathe in sharply as my fingers made their way up to her wet pussy. She seemed to spread her legs even further which seemed obvious to me that she wanted me to finger her. She was so wet and almost 'silky' inside that she giggled and pulled her legs together trapping my finger in her pussy. She was looking into my eyes as I felt her tense her muscles and clench down on my finger.

I was about to unzip my pants and start on a second-round (that's how horny she'd gotten me!) before she tutted and smiled and said that I should wait for her. I remember she kissed me softly and then turned away. I won't forget how she turned back and said, ".. it's okay if you want to come back here and watch".

I don't remember how long I waited before I went back, but the noises from the bedroom got louder and louder so I had no choice. I peered into the room and saw her kneeling at the edge of the bed with her ass pushed far back towards him, spread wide as he stood behind her and held her by her hips. I don't know if she saw me or not but she sure didn't seem to hold back with him including me watching him fuck her till she screamed into his pillow in that position. The few times he pulled out of her, even watching from the door, the head on his cock seemed even larger and it was intense to watch him try to work it back into her only to hear her let out this moaning scream when he did finally get it to pop into her.

At some point after a prolonged period of her moaning intensely, she seemed to collapse forward onto his bed. It was then that I think I saw this more physical side she's told me about. He seemed to enjoy pulling her towards him and flipping her over without much effort. She was virtually limp for the start of this change but even from the door I can still see her pussy beginning to glisten and then sound more and more sloppy the harder he fucked her. She pulled her knees back and wide trying to hold her calves against her thighs. She had told me that this a position he likes with her a lot (she explained that it puts her in a different angle and that "his big head feels so good") and I watched him push deeply into her.

I even mentally cheered him on at the end when I thought I noticed the movements that I remembered signalled he was getting close. He has this motion where he moves in a circle in her and then pushes deep and then does it again and again. (She once said and giggled that she'd wondered how he looked doing that to her).

I stayed put and watched as he seemed to almost struggle at the end to cum in her only to, several minutes later, let out with a deep-seated, "oh oh oh yeah" and even I could almost feel it as he pushed hard into her several times.

Had I not cum an hour or so earlier, I'd have liked to have been in there with them, but I started feeling self-conscious about it so when I saw that they'd calmed down from what had obviously been seconds for Paul and an age for Suzanna I moved away from the doorway.

It was like another 25 minutes before Suzanna came back to see me and this time she had already pulled her panties and bra on and was carrying the rest of her clothes. I asked where Paul was and she said he was in the shower and that he'd said we could get going without saying goodbye to him. I admitted to her that I was more comfortable with that and she said that he'd said to tell me 'thank you' which did seem to ease things for me.

We talked a lot on the way home and have since then. I'll write more on those conversations later this afternoon, hopefully.


Last night it was apparent that she wanted to have sex with me and indeed, she was quite feisty. During foreplay as I spent a lot of time between her legs licking and sucking at her, she moaned in response and started to more openly tease me, asking if I could still, "taste Paul in me"? At other times she took great pleasure in telling me of how his cock feels when he's in her and how, in some positions, he makes her feel, "very full inside.... if you know what I mean".

What really got to me was when we moved to me penetrating her that as I knelt there between her spread legs, she put her hand up and said, "uh huh, you know what comes first" and with that she handed me the foil packet. I tore it open and heard her giggle. When I looked towards her she smiled and said, "this really turns you on, doesn't it?"

I said, "What makes you say that?"

She pointed to my cock and said, "it's been bobbing away like that since you saw it in my hand," 'it' meaning the condom package! As I opened it she looked up at me and said, "that's good baby" and then as I gave it a stroke and dribbled some saliva on it she smiled and said, "this is how you're going to have me from now on baby".

I swear my cock felt like it was going to burst and I actually had a thought at one point of, "Jeez, I need a bigger condom size" as I pushed into her and heard her squeal. She pulled her legs back and further apart and began to rub her clit; I continued pushing into her and a moment later I was in her fully.

I could feel how hot her pussy was but I also knew what I couldn't feel, the wet slickness and the silky feel of her pussy sucking at my cock. It didn't matter to me, it was replaced by the intense arousal at the thought of plunging into her and yet, not cumming inside her.

She got up on her elbows at one point to watch and tell me how sexy it was seeing my cock sheathed in a rubber and also how romantic it is, "knowing what you are giving me and Paul". She said other things but that one really made me start to throb and later on when she told me to cum and, ".. think about what you won't be feeling, baby....". That just did something to me and a moment later I grunted with an intensely fierce orgasm that surprised even me. I lost track after the 4th deep huge spurt I felt but I know that at least 2 more followed before I slowed down.

I collapsed against her and when she felt me softening up she reached between us and held the condom tight around the base of my cock and she slid me out. I heard and felt her moan and quiver as she slid the condom off of my cock and brought it out in the open. Even I had to be a little proud of the size of the puddle in the end as I watched her play with it and squeeze it between her 2 fingers.

If it's always going to be this intense then, god, it's well worth it. Yeah, I love to cum in her bare, but having her tease and taunt me like she did building me up and knowing in my head that it won't be for her, my god, when I did finally let go, it was far more intense than I expected.

Anyway, now my balls feel like they have been run through a wringer after fucking her last night and having masturbated in the days before I am quite placid today.


Our conversations have mainly focused around us better defining what turns me on and both of us simply accepting that this is what we both want to do for right now. She is clearly smitten with Paul and now, admits to a desire to tweak my beta-arousal even more. She asked me if it turned me on to simply not cum in her any more, as she said, "taking what we decided and making it something that neither of us questions moving forward".

I admitted to being aroused but at the same time being very hesitant. She again reiterated that, ".... it's only as long as you want to be the beta...". That did make me feel better and we talked a bit more openly after that with her seeming to really empathize with me, saying that she is seeing that denial is something that really turns me on and she admitted that it too is turning her on to think about.

She brought up the things that she'd teased me about and asked me (rhetorically) about how I felt about things and whether it turned me on for her to tease me. I blushed as I nodded yes to many things including feeling very aroused when she teased me about only cumming in her 5 or so times this year compared to her 40-50 times with Paul. I think she was surprised when I told her that I got really turned on thinking about it and how I love to see it ooze out afterwards. I even told her that I got horny thinking that his cum was making her want him more.

She giggled and said, "You've got that right, when he's all I feel, then yeah baby, I want it more".

I think I surprised her by answering some of her very pointed questions including telling her that it drove me crazy with desire when she'd tease me about not getting to cum in her again.

We talked about Paul and she repeated how he thinks this is all really cool that we play like this and that he doesn't think less of me. She tried to build me up and said that in some ways he's said he admires me because I am okay with letting her play with him like she does.

I told her that although I had 'come out to him' I still thought I would need a while and likely a few more times to be around him for me to really feel more at ease. She agreed and said that once the kids go back to school, that she hopes he can come by more often and again, that things can be a bit more open.

So, we've tried something more extreme, without either of us really knowing it, but we both feel it might be better to pull back from the extreme.

We'll see, it's not for everyone but I have to say, it feels awesome to me to feel continually aroused sexually about her.


This morning, she again took time to tease me by looking at herself in the mirror as she held different sets of bras and panties against her. When she settled on a lacy light blue bra I did take a deep breath because the matching panties for that bra are all lace on the front. She pulled them on and then turned to me and said, "like?"

Through the lace of the bra I could see her nipples protruding and beneath the lace of the panties I could see her bare pussy. I didn't have to answer for my expression must have said, 'what's not to like?'

She saw me staring intently, giggled and said, "okay, I'll take that as a yes!”

She pulled a skirt and blouse for work over it and teased me that, "… I'll be damp all day".

Before she left she kissed me said that, "... we'll have some fun later when I get home ...".


Fuck, I'm hard … and that's another book filled!