Three Little Words ch. 04
I looked in the mirror at the face of rock bottom — a swollen left eye, a bleary right one, a runny red nose, a quivering bottom lip and a chin smeared with puke.
My reflection taunted me with those three little words:
You’re a joke.
I washed my face and flushed vomit down the toilet for the third time before venturing another glance at myself.
You can’t stay here hugging the commode all morning, asshole. You’ve got to go home and face him sometime. Pull yourself together.
I made one final walk-through of Jamal’s apartment. I’d busted my ass literally all night to get the place spic and span but I checked each nook and cranny anyway, limping from room to room, dead on my feet, arguing with the voices in my head:
This is ridiculous. You’re exhausted, Eddie. Just lay down on the floor and take a goddamn nap, already.
No! As tired as you are, you might end up zonking out for 10-12 hours. OMG, Jamal would be so pissed.
You could just set the alarm on your cellphone for 20 minutes and sneak in a quick one — but what if you slept through the alarm? Or what if Jamal found out? Fuck that, stay awake. Get through it.
Jeez, Eddie, how pathetic can you be? You can’t even scratch your ass without worrying about Jamal. He’s in your head 24/7.
Well, yeah, no shit. Why wouldn’t he be? It’s kind of hard to forget an ass-whipping like the one he gave you. Do you want to go through that again?
The kitchen gleamed, although I spotted a dust bunny behind the refrigerator. While it was unlikely Jamal’s landlord would withhold his security deposit for a little fuzzball behind the fridge, I nevertheless squeezed back there and plucked it out.
What the hell does she see in that bully, anyway? Okay, other than him being big-dicked … and handsome … and arrogant the way she likes her men.
You’re not arrogant, Eddie. You’re a nice guy. But you don’t count, do you?
Not to Carmen, you don’t. She made that clear a long time ago. And you put up with it, too, didn’t you? Fucking sap. She kept pushing you further and further down the shit hole and you didn’t say a damn thing. And now? You think she has any love for you whatsoever, Eddie? Are you kidding? Wives who love their husbands don’t move their fucking boyfriends into their homes, Eddie. They don’t get pregnant with their boyfriends’ babies. Carmen doesn’t love you; she loves making you miserable. She gets off on it. You heard her laughing when her boyfriend was kicking your ass. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
Why are you still with that evil bitch? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stop that, Eddie. Stop that right now. You are Carmen’s husband. You took sacred vows. You have to somehow find a way to make this all work. This is your life now, Eddie. Get used to it. Think of this marriage as a job, and Jamal and Carmen are your bosses. This is obviously the way she wants us to live: in a three-way relationship with you in the subservient role. It’s either that or leave. Divorce. You have to keep this marriage together at all costs, Eddie. Don’t abandon your wife just because things get hard. Do what she says. That means doing what he says.
Be supportive. Be supportive. Be supportive …
The living room was spotless, as was Jamal’s bedroom. During a final bathroom check I noticed some dirt inside the light dome, so I stood on the toilet, unscrewed the holder and washed it out.
Ugh, damned stomach pains. You know, you could just stop at McDonald’s on the way home and get a goddamn burger or grab something at the store when you drop off the U-Haul. He would never know.
Fuck that. Are you crazy? He specifically said he didn’t want you eating without permission. You want to get killed? Wait until you get home and ask him. Give the man his respect. It’s the only way you’re going to get through this in one piece.
Ugh, more stomach pains! Stop thinking about juicy hamburgers, Eddie.
Carmen will start having cravings pretty soon. You better get used to running to the store in the middle of the night because Jamal sure as hell won’t do it. Why would he? He’s only the kid’s father.
Damn it. What are you going to tell everyone? How do you explain a black guy living in our house? And a mixed-race baby? OMG, what are Mom and Tina gonna say? Tina will probably laugh. She hates you. Come to think of it, Mom will probably laugh, too. They both hate you.
No. No, they don’t. They don’t hate you, Eddie. They just raised you to be respectful to women, and to put their needs first, that’s all.
Bullshit. They fucking hate you. You’re the scapegoat. You’ve been treated like shit your entire life because of what your father did. And you married a woman who would continue that treatment because you feel that’s all you deserve. You need professional help. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. You need to get out.
Stop. Stop thinking like that, Eddie. Stop focusing on the negative. You are a lucky man. You have a good job and a beautiful wife.
Yeah, right. A beautiful wife who loves another man. A beautiful wife who’s pregnant with another man’s baby.
And now, the asshole lives with you and is going to make your life miserable. You’re not allowed on the goddamn furniture? In your own house? What the fuck? Where are you supposed to sleep? On the floor?
You can’t do this, Eddie. You can’t live like this. Go back to those train tracks, Eddie. Finish the job. Don’t be a coward.
No! Goddamn it, you need to stop this shit, Eddie. Focus. Focus! Not facing up to your husbandly responsibilities and killing yourself would be the cowardly thing to do. You can either be a piece of shit like your father was and abandon your marriage or you can put your wife’s needs above your own. Every time you start down this road you need to ask yourself: What does Carmen want? What does Carmen want?
Carmen wants to live with Jamal and have his baby. She wants you to do everything they say. That’s what Carmen wants, Eddie. Roll with it. So what if he’s mean to you? Lots of people have bosses who are mean to them and they get through it. Figure out how to keep him happy. Yeah, it sucks, but marriage is work. This is a job. Your job. Just do what your new boss says and don’t piss him off.
You’re lucky to still have Carmen in your life, Eddie. Even after she fell in love with another man, she decided to keep you around and hold the marriage together. So don’t fuck this up. This is what she wants. Your job is to be supportive.
Be supportive. Be supportive. Be supportive …
With a shiver and one final glance, I hobbled out of Jamal’s apartment and locked the door behind me.
As I passed the old man’s apartment across the hall, I hocked up a loogy and spit it on his doorknob.
////\\\\////\\\\////\\\\////\\\\
I felt like throwing up again as I pulled the Kia into the driveway but I was able to take deep breaths, park the car, put one foot in front of the other and forge ahead into my house — their home.
Carmen was slouched on the sofa fiddling with her cellphone. I heard the shower running upstairs.
She cocked her head when I walked in. “You get his place good and clean?”
“Yes, Miss Carmen.”
“You get any sleep?”
“N-no, Miss Carmen, I worked all night. But it’s real, clean, Miss Carmen. He won’t have any problem getting his deposit back, I’m sure of it.”
My wife set her iPhone on the cushion next to her and pointed to a spot on the carpet. “Come kneel down here, Ed.”
I practically fell to my knees.
Carmen leaned toward me. “You gonna be able to handle this, Ed? I can tell you this ain’t gonna be easy. You gonna run away? You want a divorce?”
“N-no, Miss Carmen. Please, I don’t want a divorce.”
“What about when the baby comes? You gonna stick it out then? Change diapers? Support us all?”
“Please, Miss Carmen … I just want you to be happy. That’s all I want in this world. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Well, then you need to do what he says. He doesn’t play around, Ed. Don’t cross him.”
“I-I won’t.”
“I’m telling you, he’s gonna be hard on you. You sure you can take it?”
“I know I can, Miss Carmen. I’d do anything for you.”
“Good.”
“I … I love you, Miss Carmen.”
My wife scowled and glanced at the stairway. “You’d better not let him hear you. I don’t think I’d go around saying that anymore if I was you.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
She picked up her cellphone and started scrolling.
“Um … Miss Carmen?”
“What?”
“Uh, is it okay if … if I get something to eat? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday.”
“You need to ask him.”
“Uh, okay. And, um … Miss Carmen?”
She sighed and pressed her phone to her chest. “Yeah, Ed? What?”
“Um … where … uh, since I’m not allowed on the furniture, where do I sleep?”
“Jamal says the basement.”
I dropped my eyes. Carmen scoffed.
“I told you he was gonna be rough on you. Just do what he says and you should be okay. Sleeping on the floor down there … it won’t be that bad. You’ll be all right.”
“Y-yes, Miss Carmen.”
“Good. Now, go fetch me a soda.”
Jamal ambled downstairs as I was serving Carmen’s drink. He settled on the couch next to my wife and picked up the remote. I turned toward him and bowed slightly with my hands folded in front of me.
“Um, sir, can I get you anything to drink, sir?”
He didn’t answer, lost in his channel-surfing, and I stood there for several minutes pondering whether or not to ask again. I decided against it.
Finally, he settled on a basketball game and looked at me. “Is my apartment nice and clean, pussy boy?”
“Yes, sir. I really cleaned it real good, sir. There should be no problem getting your deposit back, sir.”
“There better not be.”
“Um … uh, sir?”
“Yeah, pussy boy?”
“Um … sir, is it okay if I … if I get something to eat, sir?”
“Did you eat anything since yesterday?”
“No, sir, you said I needed to ask you, sir, so I didn’t.”
Jamal grinned at my wife. “He’s learning. The pussy boy is learning.” He turned to me. “Yeah, pussy boy, you can eat — but first I want you to get that bed and dresser out of the spare bedroom, and set up my X-Box system and my gaming chair in there.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you so much, sir.”
Carmen chuckled. “I told him about his sleeping arrangements.”
Jamal sneered at me. “I don’t want you sleeping anywhere near my woman, you hear? Not even on the same floor. You get the motherfucking basement. You hear?”
I don’t know what prompted me, but I sank to my knees and the words poured out:
“Sir, I just want you to know that I’ll do whatever you say. You’re the boss, sir. I know that Carmen wants you instead of me, and I … well, I really appreciate you allowing me to keep some kind of role in her life … um, in both of your lives, and I’m ready to serve you as best I can, sir.”
Carmen squealed. “OMG, that’s so sexy. He’ll do anything you say, baby.”
Jamal jeered. “Damn skippy. Now, go get me a Mountain Dew, pussy boy.”
My reflection taunted me with those three little words:
You’re a joke.
I washed my face and flushed vomit down the toilet for the third time before venturing another glance at myself.
You can’t stay here hugging the commode all morning, asshole. You’ve got to go home and face him sometime. Pull yourself together.
I made one final walk-through of Jamal’s apartment. I’d busted my ass literally all night to get the place spic and span but I checked each nook and cranny anyway, limping from room to room, dead on my feet, arguing with the voices in my head:
This is ridiculous. You’re exhausted, Eddie. Just lay down on the floor and take a goddamn nap, already.
No! As tired as you are, you might end up zonking out for 10-12 hours. OMG, Jamal would be so pissed.
You could just set the alarm on your cellphone for 20 minutes and sneak in a quick one — but what if you slept through the alarm? Or what if Jamal found out? Fuck that, stay awake. Get through it.
Jeez, Eddie, how pathetic can you be? You can’t even scratch your ass without worrying about Jamal. He’s in your head 24/7.
Well, yeah, no shit. Why wouldn’t he be? It’s kind of hard to forget an ass-whipping like the one he gave you. Do you want to go through that again?
The kitchen gleamed, although I spotted a dust bunny behind the refrigerator. While it was unlikely Jamal’s landlord would withhold his security deposit for a little fuzzball behind the fridge, I nevertheless squeezed back there and plucked it out.
What the hell does she see in that bully, anyway? Okay, other than him being big-dicked … and handsome … and arrogant the way she likes her men.
You’re not arrogant, Eddie. You’re a nice guy. But you don’t count, do you?
Not to Carmen, you don’t. She made that clear a long time ago. And you put up with it, too, didn’t you? Fucking sap. She kept pushing you further and further down the shit hole and you didn’t say a damn thing. And now? You think she has any love for you whatsoever, Eddie? Are you kidding? Wives who love their husbands don’t move their fucking boyfriends into their homes, Eddie. They don’t get pregnant with their boyfriends’ babies. Carmen doesn’t love you; she loves making you miserable. She gets off on it. You heard her laughing when her boyfriend was kicking your ass. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
Why are you still with that evil bitch? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stop that, Eddie. Stop that right now. You are Carmen’s husband. You took sacred vows. You have to somehow find a way to make this all work. This is your life now, Eddie. Get used to it. Think of this marriage as a job, and Jamal and Carmen are your bosses. This is obviously the way she wants us to live: in a three-way relationship with you in the subservient role. It’s either that or leave. Divorce. You have to keep this marriage together at all costs, Eddie. Don’t abandon your wife just because things get hard. Do what she says. That means doing what he says.
Be supportive. Be supportive. Be supportive …
The living room was spotless, as was Jamal’s bedroom. During a final bathroom check I noticed some dirt inside the light dome, so I stood on the toilet, unscrewed the holder and washed it out.
Ugh, damned stomach pains. You know, you could just stop at McDonald’s on the way home and get a goddamn burger or grab something at the store when you drop off the U-Haul. He would never know.
Fuck that. Are you crazy? He specifically said he didn’t want you eating without permission. You want to get killed? Wait until you get home and ask him. Give the man his respect. It’s the only way you’re going to get through this in one piece.
Ugh, more stomach pains! Stop thinking about juicy hamburgers, Eddie.
Carmen will start having cravings pretty soon. You better get used to running to the store in the middle of the night because Jamal sure as hell won’t do it. Why would he? He’s only the kid’s father.
Damn it. What are you going to tell everyone? How do you explain a black guy living in our house? And a mixed-race baby? OMG, what are Mom and Tina gonna say? Tina will probably laugh. She hates you. Come to think of it, Mom will probably laugh, too. They both hate you.
No. No, they don’t. They don’t hate you, Eddie. They just raised you to be respectful to women, and to put their needs first, that’s all.
Bullshit. They fucking hate you. You’re the scapegoat. You’ve been treated like shit your entire life because of what your father did. And you married a woman who would continue that treatment because you feel that’s all you deserve. You need professional help. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. You need to get out.
Stop. Stop thinking like that, Eddie. Stop focusing on the negative. You are a lucky man. You have a good job and a beautiful wife.
Yeah, right. A beautiful wife who loves another man. A beautiful wife who’s pregnant with another man’s baby.
And now, the asshole lives with you and is going to make your life miserable. You’re not allowed on the goddamn furniture? In your own house? What the fuck? Where are you supposed to sleep? On the floor?
You can’t do this, Eddie. You can’t live like this. Go back to those train tracks, Eddie. Finish the job. Don’t be a coward.
No! Goddamn it, you need to stop this shit, Eddie. Focus. Focus! Not facing up to your husbandly responsibilities and killing yourself would be the cowardly thing to do. You can either be a piece of shit like your father was and abandon your marriage or you can put your wife’s needs above your own. Every time you start down this road you need to ask yourself: What does Carmen want? What does Carmen want?
Carmen wants to live with Jamal and have his baby. She wants you to do everything they say. That’s what Carmen wants, Eddie. Roll with it. So what if he’s mean to you? Lots of people have bosses who are mean to them and they get through it. Figure out how to keep him happy. Yeah, it sucks, but marriage is work. This is a job. Your job. Just do what your new boss says and don’t piss him off.
You’re lucky to still have Carmen in your life, Eddie. Even after she fell in love with another man, she decided to keep you around and hold the marriage together. So don’t fuck this up. This is what she wants. Your job is to be supportive.
Be supportive. Be supportive. Be supportive …
With a shiver and one final glance, I hobbled out of Jamal’s apartment and locked the door behind me.
As I passed the old man’s apartment across the hall, I hocked up a loogy and spit it on his doorknob.
////\\\\////\\\\////\\\\////\\\\
I felt like throwing up again as I pulled the Kia into the driveway but I was able to take deep breaths, park the car, put one foot in front of the other and forge ahead into my house — their home.
Carmen was slouched on the sofa fiddling with her cellphone. I heard the shower running upstairs.
She cocked her head when I walked in. “You get his place good and clean?”
“Yes, Miss Carmen.”
“You get any sleep?”
“N-no, Miss Carmen, I worked all night. But it’s real, clean, Miss Carmen. He won’t have any problem getting his deposit back, I’m sure of it.”
My wife set her iPhone on the cushion next to her and pointed to a spot on the carpet. “Come kneel down here, Ed.”
I practically fell to my knees.
Carmen leaned toward me. “You gonna be able to handle this, Ed? I can tell you this ain’t gonna be easy. You gonna run away? You want a divorce?”
“N-no, Miss Carmen. Please, I don’t want a divorce.”
“What about when the baby comes? You gonna stick it out then? Change diapers? Support us all?”
“Please, Miss Carmen … I just want you to be happy. That’s all I want in this world. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Well, then you need to do what he says. He doesn’t play around, Ed. Don’t cross him.”
“I-I won’t.”
“I’m telling you, he’s gonna be hard on you. You sure you can take it?”
“I know I can, Miss Carmen. I’d do anything for you.”
“Good.”
“I … I love you, Miss Carmen.”
My wife scowled and glanced at the stairway. “You’d better not let him hear you. I don’t think I’d go around saying that anymore if I was you.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
She picked up her cellphone and started scrolling.
“Um … Miss Carmen?”
“What?”
“Uh, is it okay if … if I get something to eat? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday.”
“You need to ask him.”
“Uh, okay. And, um … Miss Carmen?”
She sighed and pressed her phone to her chest. “Yeah, Ed? What?”
“Um … where … uh, since I’m not allowed on the furniture, where do I sleep?”
“Jamal says the basement.”
I dropped my eyes. Carmen scoffed.
“I told you he was gonna be rough on you. Just do what he says and you should be okay. Sleeping on the floor down there … it won’t be that bad. You’ll be all right.”
“Y-yes, Miss Carmen.”
“Good. Now, go fetch me a soda.”
Jamal ambled downstairs as I was serving Carmen’s drink. He settled on the couch next to my wife and picked up the remote. I turned toward him and bowed slightly with my hands folded in front of me.
“Um, sir, can I get you anything to drink, sir?”
He didn’t answer, lost in his channel-surfing, and I stood there for several minutes pondering whether or not to ask again. I decided against it.
Finally, he settled on a basketball game and looked at me. “Is my apartment nice and clean, pussy boy?”
“Yes, sir. I really cleaned it real good, sir. There should be no problem getting your deposit back, sir.”
“There better not be.”
“Um … uh, sir?”
“Yeah, pussy boy?”
“Um … sir, is it okay if I … if I get something to eat, sir?”
“Did you eat anything since yesterday?”
“No, sir, you said I needed to ask you, sir, so I didn’t.”
Jamal grinned at my wife. “He’s learning. The pussy boy is learning.” He turned to me. “Yeah, pussy boy, you can eat — but first I want you to get that bed and dresser out of the spare bedroom, and set up my X-Box system and my gaming chair in there.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you so much, sir.”
Carmen chuckled. “I told him about his sleeping arrangements.”
Jamal sneered at me. “I don’t want you sleeping anywhere near my woman, you hear? Not even on the same floor. You get the motherfucking basement. You hear?”
I don’t know what prompted me, but I sank to my knees and the words poured out:
“Sir, I just want you to know that I’ll do whatever you say. You’re the boss, sir. I know that Carmen wants you instead of me, and I … well, I really appreciate you allowing me to keep some kind of role in her life … um, in both of your lives, and I’m ready to serve you as best I can, sir.”
Carmen squealed. “OMG, that’s so sexy. He’ll do anything you say, baby.”
Jamal jeered. “Damn skippy. Now, go get me a Mountain Dew, pussy boy.”
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