Chapter 06: Too Late
I turned back into the house. Phil and Denny stood in the hall and silently watched me. We trouped into their living room, still in silence.
I turned to them, "I'm sorry that you got caught up in that."
"We heard some of it, we couldn't help it." said Denny.
"And we were listening." added the more honest Phil.
I smiled, "I would have been, if I'd been you."
"Is this all about these ultimatums that you gave her. Can you tell us what they are about?" asked Denny, sitting down, obviously expecting a full answer. Phil sat on the arm of her chair, his arm around her shoulders. I sat opposite them.
I explained, "Well she has come up trumps on the first one. I told her that she must tell you the truth."
Denny looked indignant, "You mean that Friday's confession was only because you made her?"
"I'm sure she would have told you in her own good time. She needs you as a friend. She would have got round to it. I just motivated her." I tried to smooth Denny's ego, before I added "And I've insisted that she tells her parents as well."
"Ooh, I don't envy her that one." Phil instantly saw Beth's problem. "That will be rough."
"Yes, it will be. But at the moment they think I'm the biggest shit in Christendom, if they are half the loving parents I think they are, they must be telling her to make a clean break and dump me. That doesn't help. And even if Beth and I do patch things up despite that advice from them, think what my relationship with my in-laws will be like. They'll think their darling ******** has reconciled with an absolute arsehole. How's that as a stepping stone to happy families? And, I think confession might be good for Beth, and maybe her parents can understand why she did it. Maybe they know some deep reason for it all. You never know."
I looked at Phil and Denny, hoping they would see my demand as reasonable. Phil guessed there was more "And are those your only reasons?"
"Well I have to admit, it really galls me that she professes her undying love for me at the same time as she is perfectly happy to let the two people who she loves and respects the most think of me as a shit. It doesn't make sense, and my ego certainly doesn't like it."
Denny looked at me "Have you explained all that to her? My guess is she is just frightened at the horrid difficulty of having to do it. I can't think of much worse for a ghastly half hour's chat around the ****** table. You have to tell her why you want her to do it. And are there any other conditions?"
"Yes. I want a written commitment for her to tell the whole truth. Beth is a master, or mistress I suppose, at glossing things over, steering conversations away from things she doesn't want to talk about or have to admit to. I want a clear understanding that we have to talk about all that's happened and what caused it."
"Oh I'm sure she must realise that." Denny exclaimed.
"No, I don't think she does. You heard her. It was all about building a new future, nothing about looking at what went wrong in the past. Just admit that it happened and it was your fault and move on. That's Beth's way. It's a '15% less fat' issue, Phil."
Denny looked at her husband who squeezed her shoulder, "I'll explain later."
Denny looked back at me "Well I don't know what all that is about, but... I know we said we wouldn't.." she looked up at Phil "...but maybe I could have a word. Maybe she'll listen to me and I can explain why you want her to talk to her parents. I could try to see her on Tuesday when Phil's out at cricket practice."
That struck me as a good idea, it would relieve me of trying to find a way to explain what I wanted without getting into other issues. "Well, if you could. And I do think she needs a friend. She must be terribly alone, with only her own thoughts for company."
Phil hugged Denny into himself, showing his approval. Then Denny stood up "I said I was going to get some coffee and I guess we could all do with it, and maybe something stronger to go with it."
---
I was nearly late for the office on Monday. My lack of domesticity had caught up with me, when dressing I found I had no decent ironed shirt, plenty of clean but crumpled ones, not one was ironed. Beth always ironed my shirts, it was one of the things she took pride in. So I started the day with ironing a shirt, not very well either, I hadn't done it in years, and it nearly made me late.
The office was fairly routine. I kept thinking that I must send Beth an email to say I was sticking by my rule that she must tell her parents, but I was wavering on the written commitment to truth bit. I promised myself I would make up my mind before I went to lunch and email her then.
At about eleven thirty I had a call from Personnel, could I go along to see Charlie immediately. I wondered why, but it sounded urgent.
I waited, sitting in the visitor's chair at his desk, drinking a cup of coffee. He calls me along on something urgent, and then he isn't there! Eventually he comes in "Sorry Tim, I've kept you waiting. I hope someone gave you ... Oh yes."
He sat down behind his desk and looked at me. "I've just come from a meeting in Neil's office with Perry. Perry has resigned with immediate effect. He's in his office at the moment with one of my team, signing some papers and clearing his personal items."
"Good God! I knew things were a bit stressed, but I didn't expect that. Oh..." I looked at Charlie who just sat watching me. "What do you want me to do? Tell the department?"
Charlie leant back in his chair. "The company now has a problem - what to do next."
"Advertise and recruit I suppose. I might even apply myself. It would be good interview practice and show that I am still ambitious." I told him.
Charlie looked at me, but ignored what I said "We have the ITP contract going sick on us. It's running late, but not too late yet. Financially, it's break even at best, and may make us a loss. ITP are cutting up rough, rougher than they really should. But there you are, they are the customer. But, they are starving us of cash by delaying the next instalment payments. We have to get that project back on the straight and narrow and with ITP happy again, or we'll have real problems."
"I'd heard that it was going a bit pear shaped."
"So we have a vacancy for head of department, and a real urgency on the ITP project." Charlie continued, "So, we face some choices. We don't have time to recruit, so that's out. We could transfer Darren or Sheila across from either Banking or Investments. But they've got their own problems, and neither of them has any insurance experience whatsoever. We could hire in a senior interim manager but he will not know this company or the project, and he'll cost a fortune on a project where we are likely to make a loss on. Or we could promote you." Charlie just looked at me.
"Oh!"
Charlie just looked at me. I just looked at Charlie. There was no doubt in my mind. I'd say Yes if the job was offered, and I felt pretty sure that I could do it.
Before I shaped the words and voiced my thoughts, Charlie was speaking again, "Now, there are those who think that you are a very good project manager, that you will be an excellent company manager, but it's all a bit early in your career. You're not quite due this promotion yet. Others are concerned that you don't carry the necessary weight to give ITP the confidence they need. And, of course, everyone knows about your marital problems and they are rightly concerned that you are not in the right frame of mind to take on this challenge, that your mind will be elsewhere."
"So what should I do?" I asked, I didn't realise until afterwards that this was a good open question. I had meant 'what should I do to get the job'.
Charlie took it differently. "I can't tell you that, Tim. We are going to hold a Board Meeting for all Director's that are around today, at three o'clock this afternoon to decide what we are going to do. You are invited to come along and tell us what you think we should do, or what you want to do. You can come along and just say it doesn't interest you, or you could give us a full pitch on why you deserve the job. We'll listen either way."
"OK. Three o'clock you say. That doesn't give me much time."
Charlie smiled at me, "No, it doesn't. Life's like that sometimes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a long lunch to go to with Neil out at the Golf Club. I'll see you at three o'clock." And he got up and left.
I went back to the department, straight to Perry's office. As I came through the door to his outer office, Stella was just dialling someone on the phone. I heard her say "Oh Janice..." That meant Janice Conroy in accounts, another gossip monger.
"Have the decency to let him get out of the building, Stella" I sharply admonish her.
As I walked passed her towards Perry's office, I heard her say "I'll phone you back" and she smiled at me sweetly.
Perry was packing things into a cardboard box at his desk. One of the personnel guys was standing leaning against the wall, watching him. "I'm sorry Perry. I didn't know it was this bad."
He looked up at me "I was a bit surprised myself. ITP is a bit late, but nothing serious. They've just got a bee in their bonnet about it and I got stung."
"Well, all I can say is, that as far as I was concerned, you were a good boss. I learnt a lot from you. Thank you." I smiled, hoping to cheer him up a bit.
"It's ironic, Tim. I know I was a good departmental manager. And how did I get to be a manager, because I was a good project manager. And what's let me down this time - project management."
"They're wondering whether they should give me the job."
"Do you want it?"
"Yes."
He stopped his packing to look at me, "Then go for it. You'll do it well. You've still got a bit to learn on the management side, but you're exactly what they're looking for - someone to dig them out of the hole their in with ITP. I'd give it to you."
"Thanks. I wanted to know what you thought. Are you having a booze up?"
"No.....not my style." he said, looking pleased that I'd asked.
I shook his hand, and told him to let me know where he ends up. I left in search of Dave.
"Dave, time for a stroll along the riverbank" I whispered as he was passing some schedule charts to one of his team.
"Again!?!" he muttered under his breath, but he followed me out of the office.
When we got to the seat by the river I sat down. Dave waited, he hadn't asked once what this was all about. I told him the situation.
Dave listened and then responded, "You've got to go for it. You can't let some interim guy who doesn't know us from Adam, and doesn't know the system, come in. And, anyway, you may show the occasional hint of ability, not often, but occasionally."
"Thanks. But how do I get it?"
"You've got to show them that you can do it. Show them how you would go about it, and that you are the man for the job. Now is not the time for lights under bushels, you've got to blow your own trumpet, and mix your metaphors all at the same time."
"How? I haven't exactly got a lot of time."
"How about using that presentation you did about a year ago. 'If God was an insurance project manager' or something."
"Great! Well done, David! I'll let you go on working here! I know those slides well, I ended up doing that talk about three times. A quick mix and match on that and I can have a PowerPoint presentation to be proud of."
For the next couple of hours Dave and myself worked hard at our screens. At ten to three I was satisfied with the presentation and what I had to say. I went down to the Boardroom, no one had arrived yet, so I plugged in my laptop to the projector, booted it up and was ready to go. I sat and waited.
The first to arrive was Don McIntyre, the sales and marketing director. Big bluff Don, six foot four, always cheerful and known throughout the industry. He was quickly followed by Andrew Tweedsman, the technology and research director, someone who always looked to me as if he would be happier in the fields of academe than industry, but I'd had very little to do with him. Then Neil Timmons, the managing director and Charlie arrived together, accompanied by a third man that I didn't recognise.
Neil introduced me to him, Sir Philip Cochran. Tall, about sixty years old, immaculately dressed, reeking of money, but with a kind and humorous twinkle in very pale blue eyes. I vaguely remembered some internal memo of a couple of months back announcing that the Board had recruited the recently retired CEO of one of the banks as a non-executive director. I guess this was him.
Neil looked at his watch and said "Well, what have you got to tell us, Tim?"
I stood up and brought the screen to life. Then Pamela Storrish, the financial director came in, apologising, and taking her place at the table.
I made my presentation. On how I would go about bringing the ITP project into control, on how ITP themselves can be brought into the process to give them confidence, on what checks and balances can be built into the implementation. And then onto several slides on me. How long I'd worked at the company. Some of my successes. None of my failures. How I knew the staff, and could get the best out of them. And finally, without a slide, I told them that I had recently split with my wife, but that they should have no worries about me not working properly. I was fully committed.
I sat down. I was pleased with myself. Whether I got the job or not, I knew I had given it my best shot. Charlie leant across the empty chair between us to squeeze my arm.
Neil looked around the table. "Pamela, what are your thoughts?"
Pamela leant forward, "I was very impressed by Tim's presentation. I think we should let him takeover the ITP contract. And anyway, I don't think we have much alternative. Perhaps he could be given a bonus if he can pull it off. Otherwise I suggest we make him acting head of department for a probationary period, and we see how he does. No extra pay or re-grading now, that can come at the end of the probationary period."
Neil made a couple of notes on the pad in front of him. "OK, Don?"
Don looked round the table as he sat up, "My concern is that ITP are happy. As I told you this morning, Neil, I wonder if we should get in someone from outside to put a bit of weight on the project. Someone who can give Tim some support. Just for one or two days a week. We can't afford for this to go wrong. If we cock up ITP we'll never get another insurance contract, and then the rumours will spread. Can anyone name a bank that doesn't own an insurance company these days?" Don looked around the faces at the table.
I spoke up "No, You cannot lumber me with some overseer. What would the rest of the team think if every decision I make or they ask me to make, has to be double checked with someone else. It'll lead to lack of respect for me, and chaos and delay on the work. I'd rather not even try. And as for management weight or whatever Don called it, I may not have played in your big boy league before, but I know my team and I know how to manage them" I threw Don a challenging look, he smiled sweetly at me.
Neil made more notes. "Andrew?"
"Well I think Tim presented himself well. It's been a long time since I did any implementation or project work, but I thought his presentation of those things was watertight. After that I don't thing I'm qualified to say a lot."
"Charlie?"
"I don't understand half of what Tim was talking about. I've worked in the IT world for thirty years, but I don't pretend I understand what you do. What I do know is that Tim's record as a project manager in this place is second to none. I believe he will be a fine manager, I think he's destined to sit at this table in his own right one day, but I'm worried that we could be asking an awful lot of him at the moment."
Sir Philip leant forward, "Neil, if I may..." He leant across the corner of the table and put his hand on Neil's arm. "Maybe you were going to invite me to speak anyway, but just in case you didn't, I'll jump in. I've had to sit through countless IT presentations in my time. I never really understood a word of them, I just made polite noises and asked simple questions, and for forty years I got away with it. Today I almost understood what young Tim there was talking about. Now I haven't known this company very long, but from what I learnt over lunch, you're between a rock and a hard place. I'd appoint him. Having seen his presentation today, I think ITP would be bloody fools if they didn't give him their vote of confidence. And as for a probationary period, what's the point? He'll either salvage ITP for us, in which case we'll all go down on bended knee to thank him. Or he'll fail, in which case I understand there's a pretty good chance none of us will be here, and if we did survive his failure, then at least we'd have the pleasure of sacking him. Pay the man for the job, its only fair."
All eyes went to Neil. He leant back in his chair and stared at me through half closed eyes for a millennium or two. "Tim, I'm worried about your marital problems. You should be patching up your marriage, not taking on more stress and strains here."
It was obvious I had to answer "If I could, I would. My wife and myself have parted, and I think the chances of patching it up are pretty low. That leaves me free. I don't have domestic responsibilities. If I need to I can work as late as I like. I can take work home at weekends without a wife complaining. I'll admit that some of my emotions have been pretty tied up in the last few days. But that's why I need this job, something to take my mind off my problems. Look, I don't want to work all the hours God sends for the rest of my life. I want a happy home life and I want to want to go home on time. But that isn't going to happen in the next couple of months. So, you need someone capable to work hard and dig this company out of a hole, I'm capable and happy to work hard. It suits both of us." I sat back, there was nothing else I could say.
Neil looked around the room. Then he looked directly at me. "You've got the job. And I agree with Philip,. Charlie, put Tim on whatever salary and grade Perry had from today, and sort out all the pension and car things as soon as you can."
There was a murmur of approval and warm smiles from everyone.
Then Neil looked at me again "So when can you have a story to tell that we can take to ITP?"
"Well give me a day to understand the state of play, then a day or two to come up with a plan. How about Friday at the earliest."
"I'll squeeze you on that. You said you could work nights. Let's go and see them on Thursday afternoon, three o'clock say. I'll arrange it. I'll be with you, and so will you Don"
Don looked round, surprised. "I'm in Edinburgh on Thursday, seeing some of the Scottish companies."
"Well, now you're going to be here in the morning and at ITP in the afternoon." said Neil firmly. "Tim, both myself and Don will be available at a moment's notice on Thursday morning for any rehearsal or dry run that you want." He looked round the table. "I am sure the word will go out that you are to have full co-operation from any part of the company in the next few days. Won't it, lady and gentlemen? I'll talk to your department Tim at four o'clock. That's so soon that we might even beat the secretaries with the news."
Neil stood up and came round to shake my hand, quickly followed with the others lining up to congratulate me. Charlie asked that I come up to his office when I leave. Philip Cochran was the last. He warmly shook my hand, holding my right shoulder with his left hand as he did it. "Don't worry about playing with the big boys. The game's much the same, it's just that more people depend on you and the numbers have more noughts on the end. Otherwise it's much the same. After you've settled in, perhaps we can have a game of golf, and I'll tell you a few of my secrets." He smiled warmly.
They all left and I unplugged my laptop and closed down the projector. I made my way to Charlie's office. Charlie welcomed me and told me my new salary. A sixty percent pay rise and a bigger and better car. Not bad for an afternoon's work. I made my way to my desk.
Dave followed me in. "Well?"
I smiled. "Fucking ace!" he said as he punched the air.
Everything after that is a bit of a blur. Neil came and talked to the department. Everyone smiled at my appointment and there was a round of applause when I said a few stumbling words. Stella looked furious!
I called a meeting of the ITP team to tell them that I'd hold an all day session on the project tomorrow, and we went through what information they could bring to help me understand everything. I told them that I would ask Dave to join us, a couple of them exchanged glances at that, but said nothing.
Dave strolled up, still smiling. I told him that I wanted him around for tomorrow's ITP meeting. He wasn't pleased, but I told him that if I was lumbered with it, then I like to spread the pain to my closest colleagues.
Then he asked "Are you going to move into Perry's office?"
"Yes, I guess so, but there are other things to be getting on with without worrying about that."
"No, I wasn't worried about where you put your desk. I want to know what you are going to do about Stella?"
I stopped and looked at him, "Nothing"
"She hates you Tim. You can't have her as your secretary."
"No, but I know that she would never lower herself to be my secretary." I looked at my watch "I bet you she's phoning the employment bureaux as we speak. I bet she'll be having a lot of dental appointments in the next couple of weeks on days when she just happens to be dressed very smart."
"You bugger! Are you going over the road to celebrate."
"Yeah, why not.?"
And that's what we did. I bought a couple of bottles of champagne, but after I'd had two glasses I took to orange juice. I'm a manager now, I can't get pissed in the pub with the lads anymore.
I got home at about eight. I opened the fridge to see if there was anything for me to eat. There, on the bottom shelf was the bottle of champagne that Beth and myself always kept in the fridge, ready to celebrate life's little pleasures as they came along. What was the point? I've got great news and no one to share it with!
I phoned Phil. He was pleased for me, but it wasn't the same.
Then I remembered. I hadn't emailed Beth. In all honesty, in the excitement of the day, I hadn't even thought of her. It was only that champagne in the fridge that reminded me. Was that good? I had been able to get on with my work with undivided attention. Or was it a sad marker that she was drifting out of my life?
I got into the car, and went back into town to pick up a Chinese takeaway, which I took home and ate sitting at the kitchen table. It was almost ten o'clock when I sat down at the computer to send my email.
How do I start? Last time I'd said just 'Beth', should I ease that to 'Dear Beth'? Yes, I think I will, but I still can't think of putting 'With Love' on the bottom. Stop prevaricating, Tim, get on with it:
Dear Beth. First, I didn't say thank you to you on Sunday for talking to Denny and Phil. Thank you for giving me my friend back, and well done for telling Denny, I know it can't have been easy. I've thought a lot about what you said on Sunday, and I think you're right on some things. I do try to just throw what you did back in your face whenever I can. I'm sorry, it doesn't get us anywhere, and I'll try to stop doing it. I've thought a lot about my demand that you talk to your parents and are honest with them. I talked that through with Denny and Phil, and I became even more convinced that it is a good idea. So, I am not going to back down on that one. I know it will be horrible for you, and dreadful for them. But Mary and George do love you, they won't stop loving you because of what you did, anymore than I can. And maybe, having told them, you will find it easier to talk about your motivations, and your needs. So, as I say, I am not prepared to talk to you until after I know that Mary and George know the full story. However, having told them, I will back off my insistence that you give a written pledge to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I will meet you to explain some of the things that I need you to talk truthfully about. I'll meet you by myself, or with Phil and Denny around, or with this ex-counsellor Rose, whatever you prefer. Finally, I am sticking to my soft deadline of 14th July. If we aren't making good progress, and I mean really talking about what happened and what our marriage means to each of us, by then, I'll sign a lease on the flat and move out. That may not make a lot of difference, we can still meet and talk. But it will be another step on the break up of our partnership, another step to reverse. Now it is getting late and I've had an eventful day. I'm tired. I'm sorry if I've rambled a bit. Love, Tim
There I did say it!
I pressed the Send button, and logged off. I went to bed. I thought about Beth at first. But then I thought about a new car, and what I might have. Something with a bit of panache I thought. Something to make Beth jealous? Something to turn the heads of other girls?
---
Tuesday and Wednesday were just long hours of meeting, of writing all over white boards, of talking and reconciling different people's stories. On the Wednesday I managed to take a couple of hours out in the evening to go to the gym. I have to admit, it helped.
When I got home on Wednesday night, Phil had left a message. I phoned him back.
"Hi, Phil. You wanted me."
"Yes. Denny saw Beth on Tuesday night. I think Denny found it quite difficult."
"Why?" I asked.
I could feel that Phil was trying to pitch his answer so as to tell the truth without worrying me. "Well, Beth seems to be in a bit of a mess. All of her own making of course. But Denny felt quite sorry for her about some things."
"Well, life is shades of grey. It is rarely black and white."
"Anyway Denny's suggestion is for us three to meet over an Indian. How about Thursday night?"
"Can't. Thursday's a bit of a big day at work. How about Friday?"
"OK. How about the one down by the station. We all agree it is the best food."
"OK. What time?"
"Well, let Denny and me do our shopping. So how about nine o'clock."
"That suits me, I was planning on going to the gym at seven, so I'll have plenty of time." I confirmed.
"See you!"
By Thursday morning I knew what needed to be said to ITP and by eleven o'clock I went down to see Neil to show him what I had produced. He fussed over it, nit-picking. Changing words to others that meant the same, changing the order of my presentation and then back to where I started. He didn't like the colours I'd used, he didn't like the background slide style, although both were company standard. He was a pain in the arse! But he is also the boss, so I made the changes. Then we set out to ITP. Me with Neil in his car, Don in his own.
ITP welcomed us politely, and I was introduced all round. I even met the mysterious Greg Dickens, who turned out to be a very nice guy who I hit it off with wonderfully, and he was to be my opposite number. After Don had made a brief introduction, I made my presentation. They loved it. They asked sensible questions, all of which I could answer. They loved me.
I left ITP ten feet tall. Neil was far happier company going back in the car than he had been going. When we got back to the office it was nearly seven o'clock. Neil shook my hand in the car park and said "I owe you a drink if not dinner, Tim. But, I'm sorry you are going to have to take a rain check on that. I've got to go." And he got back in his car and was gone.
I went home, again elated, again the bottle of champagne at the bottom of the fridge stared back at me.
Friday was just a day in the office, an anti-climax. But it was the first day that I could give thought how I was going to organise and manage the department. I went to lunch with Darren and Sheila, my opposite numbers as head of banking and investment development teams. More vying for position, more politics.
I left the office in good time to spend an hour at the gym. I enjoyed it. I was beginning to realise that it really helped as a change of pace, an absorbing concentration that allowed the stress to disperse. I showered and went round to the restaurant early. Phil and Denny were already there.
I slapped Phil on the back and kissed Denny, and sat opposite them. I picked up the menu, Phil took it out of my hands "Don't bother, we've already ordered for you."
I looked at Denny, she looked anxious. I looked at Phil, he smiled reassuringly. "OK, how was she?"
Phil answered, "Denny was very worried about her. She's a bundle of nerves, and very unhappy., but I think Denny should tell you."
I turned to Denny, Phil's hand went out to hold hers, lying on the table. "Well, Tim, I don't think I can sort of report a decent structured talk. As Phil says she is a bundle of nerves, she avoids talking about some things, and doesn't always answer direct questions. So, I can only tell you what I discovered or thought, but don't ask for a verbatim account, it would be meaningless."
"OK. Where did you meet?"
"Back at Not Steinbeck's, it was an easy choice."
"OK tell me what you think, and what she told you, however you picked it up."
"Well, it's obvious that she is in a right mess mentally. But I found out that she hasn't told anyone else. As you say, she hasn't said a word to her parents, she hasn't said anything at work, she's just bottled it all up, and it's destroying her."
Phil interrupted "So maybe your idea, Tim, that she has to tell her parents won't be such a bad idea."
Denny looked at him, and then the waiter arrived with some beers for us all. When that interruption was over, Denny continued "You're right. Phil, but she was convinced that the only reason Tim was insisting on her talking to her parents was pure hate and revenge." she looked at me "She thought you just wanted to hurt her and ruin her relationship with her parents. When I told her your reasons, she began to see that maybe there was some logic to it. But she is so scared of the idea that I have no idea whether she will talk to them at all, or how long she might take to do it. I didn't tell her, but I think it's the best thing she could do to save her sanity, she needs to lose the burden of this dreadful secret."
"So you think I am right to force her?"
"Yes, I think you are, but as I say..."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well I started by wanting her just to confirm that it had gone on for three months. I seems so long to me. I don't think I could lie to Phil for a week let alone three months. Anyway, she said that it probably was that long, but that it had started very slowly, and really there was only a short time when there was any intensity to it. I don't think she used the word intensity, but I've forgotten how she described it."
"Go on" I prompted.
Denny looked nervously at me, then glanced at Phil, who I saw squeeze her hand "Well I asked her why she had done it, but I didn't really get an answer. She did say that the affair was almost over, she didn't think it would have lasted more than a day or two, a week at most."
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"No, I just got the impression that she didn't really like this Ken. She did say he was a selfish pig, and not a very good lover."
Phil looked at me "It makes even less sense, why would she have an affair with someone she doesn't like and thinks of as a selfish pig, let alone a poor lover? I can't see any rhyme or reason to it, and I don't think you can either, can you Denny?"
"No. But this reason 'why' is the one bit that she just seems to ignore."
"So what else did you discover?" I asked
At that point, the food turned up, and that distracted us for some time. Once we were all sorted out and eating, I asked again "So, what else, Denny?"
"Well the other things are really just observations. As I said, she is a total mess, she needs someone to talk to. She's totally bound up in guilt. At one point in the evening she was saying that she was convinced that she doesn't deserve to be forgiven. I noticed she used the word 'evil' three times at least in the course of the evening. At other times, she is desperate that you take her back, Tim. She did ask me whether I thought you would, and I told her that I didn't know."
"Is that it?" I prompted
"She got a bit easier with some alcohol inside her. I noticed that she didn't really eat, she just picked at her food. I think she's lost weight, but maybe that's just how tired and drawn she looks."
"Anything else?"
"I know, I am absolutely certain of it, that she loves you Tim. I wondered at first whether she just wanted you back as a matter of pride, or just so as to continue her lifestyle. But the way she talked about you, the way she clung to any little mention of your name, or what you'd said or what you might me thinking, that wasn't just pride. I don't know whether you want her back, but I know she will be heartbroken if you don't..... Sorry Tim, I guess that doesn't help."
"Well it's good for my ego in some ways. But it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy if I walk away."
"Not in our eyes." said Phil.
We went on talking around and around the subject of Beth for the rest of the meal, but I don't think I learnt any more or had any better idea what I was going to do. I asked if Denny was going to see Beth again. She said yes she was, tomorrow morning in fact, and again next Tuesday evening. Phil intervened to say that this would be the last time that Denny would do this sort of reporting back, she felt that she was being unfair on her friend, even if it was in her own best interests. I understood.
I went home, and sat in a chair thinking of Beth and what Denny had told me. I came to no great conclusion, except that Beth obviously needed a friend, and that wasn't me.
I got to bed at about half past eleven that night, hoping I would be tired enough to sleep. I must have dozed off, because I was wakened three quarters of an hour later by Dave phoning me.
"Yes Dave?" I could hear the noise of a party or pub in the background.
"Hi, Tim. We've all decided to hit Shades Club. I thought you might like to come along." He sounded far from *****, but not entirely sober.
"It's a kind thought Dave, but no thank you."
"Oh go one. You're a bachelor now, it's time you got back in the saddle."
"No thanks Dave. I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
"Oh, don't deny the ladies. They need you."
"I'm sorry Dave, but I'm already in bed. It's just too late."
I turned back into the house. Phil and Denny stood in the hall and silently watched me. We trouped into their living room, still in silence.
I turned to them, "I'm sorry that you got caught up in that."
"We heard some of it, we couldn't help it." said Denny.
"And we were listening." added the more honest Phil.
I smiled, "I would have been, if I'd been you."
"Is this all about these ultimatums that you gave her. Can you tell us what they are about?" asked Denny, sitting down, obviously expecting a full answer. Phil sat on the arm of her chair, his arm around her shoulders. I sat opposite them.
I explained, "Well she has come up trumps on the first one. I told her that she must tell you the truth."
Denny looked indignant, "You mean that Friday's confession was only because you made her?"
"I'm sure she would have told you in her own good time. She needs you as a friend. She would have got round to it. I just motivated her." I tried to smooth Denny's ego, before I added "And I've insisted that she tells her parents as well."
"Ooh, I don't envy her that one." Phil instantly saw Beth's problem. "That will be rough."
"Yes, it will be. But at the moment they think I'm the biggest shit in Christendom, if they are half the loving parents I think they are, they must be telling her to make a clean break and dump me. That doesn't help. And even if Beth and I do patch things up despite that advice from them, think what my relationship with my in-laws will be like. They'll think their darling ******** has reconciled with an absolute arsehole. How's that as a stepping stone to happy families? And, I think confession might be good for Beth, and maybe her parents can understand why she did it. Maybe they know some deep reason for it all. You never know."
I looked at Phil and Denny, hoping they would see my demand as reasonable. Phil guessed there was more "And are those your only reasons?"
"Well I have to admit, it really galls me that she professes her undying love for me at the same time as she is perfectly happy to let the two people who she loves and respects the most think of me as a shit. It doesn't make sense, and my ego certainly doesn't like it."
Denny looked at me "Have you explained all that to her? My guess is she is just frightened at the horrid difficulty of having to do it. I can't think of much worse for a ghastly half hour's chat around the ****** table. You have to tell her why you want her to do it. And are there any other conditions?"
"Yes. I want a written commitment for her to tell the whole truth. Beth is a master, or mistress I suppose, at glossing things over, steering conversations away from things she doesn't want to talk about or have to admit to. I want a clear understanding that we have to talk about all that's happened and what caused it."
"Oh I'm sure she must realise that." Denny exclaimed.
"No, I don't think she does. You heard her. It was all about building a new future, nothing about looking at what went wrong in the past. Just admit that it happened and it was your fault and move on. That's Beth's way. It's a '15% less fat' issue, Phil."
Denny looked at her husband who squeezed her shoulder, "I'll explain later."
Denny looked back at me "Well I don't know what all that is about, but... I know we said we wouldn't.." she looked up at Phil "...but maybe I could have a word. Maybe she'll listen to me and I can explain why you want her to talk to her parents. I could try to see her on Tuesday when Phil's out at cricket practice."
That struck me as a good idea, it would relieve me of trying to find a way to explain what I wanted without getting into other issues. "Well, if you could. And I do think she needs a friend. She must be terribly alone, with only her own thoughts for company."
Phil hugged Denny into himself, showing his approval. Then Denny stood up "I said I was going to get some coffee and I guess we could all do with it, and maybe something stronger to go with it."
---
I was nearly late for the office on Monday. My lack of domesticity had caught up with me, when dressing I found I had no decent ironed shirt, plenty of clean but crumpled ones, not one was ironed. Beth always ironed my shirts, it was one of the things she took pride in. So I started the day with ironing a shirt, not very well either, I hadn't done it in years, and it nearly made me late.
The office was fairly routine. I kept thinking that I must send Beth an email to say I was sticking by my rule that she must tell her parents, but I was wavering on the written commitment to truth bit. I promised myself I would make up my mind before I went to lunch and email her then.
At about eleven thirty I had a call from Personnel, could I go along to see Charlie immediately. I wondered why, but it sounded urgent.
I waited, sitting in the visitor's chair at his desk, drinking a cup of coffee. He calls me along on something urgent, and then he isn't there! Eventually he comes in "Sorry Tim, I've kept you waiting. I hope someone gave you ... Oh yes."
He sat down behind his desk and looked at me. "I've just come from a meeting in Neil's office with Perry. Perry has resigned with immediate effect. He's in his office at the moment with one of my team, signing some papers and clearing his personal items."
"Good God! I knew things were a bit stressed, but I didn't expect that. Oh..." I looked at Charlie who just sat watching me. "What do you want me to do? Tell the department?"
Charlie leant back in his chair. "The company now has a problem - what to do next."
"Advertise and recruit I suppose. I might even apply myself. It would be good interview practice and show that I am still ambitious." I told him.
Charlie looked at me, but ignored what I said "We have the ITP contract going sick on us. It's running late, but not too late yet. Financially, it's break even at best, and may make us a loss. ITP are cutting up rough, rougher than they really should. But there you are, they are the customer. But, they are starving us of cash by delaying the next instalment payments. We have to get that project back on the straight and narrow and with ITP happy again, or we'll have real problems."
"I'd heard that it was going a bit pear shaped."
"So we have a vacancy for head of department, and a real urgency on the ITP project." Charlie continued, "So, we face some choices. We don't have time to recruit, so that's out. We could transfer Darren or Sheila across from either Banking or Investments. But they've got their own problems, and neither of them has any insurance experience whatsoever. We could hire in a senior interim manager but he will not know this company or the project, and he'll cost a fortune on a project where we are likely to make a loss on. Or we could promote you." Charlie just looked at me.
"Oh!"
Charlie just looked at me. I just looked at Charlie. There was no doubt in my mind. I'd say Yes if the job was offered, and I felt pretty sure that I could do it.
Before I shaped the words and voiced my thoughts, Charlie was speaking again, "Now, there are those who think that you are a very good project manager, that you will be an excellent company manager, but it's all a bit early in your career. You're not quite due this promotion yet. Others are concerned that you don't carry the necessary weight to give ITP the confidence they need. And, of course, everyone knows about your marital problems and they are rightly concerned that you are not in the right frame of mind to take on this challenge, that your mind will be elsewhere."
"So what should I do?" I asked, I didn't realise until afterwards that this was a good open question. I had meant 'what should I do to get the job'.
Charlie took it differently. "I can't tell you that, Tim. We are going to hold a Board Meeting for all Director's that are around today, at three o'clock this afternoon to decide what we are going to do. You are invited to come along and tell us what you think we should do, or what you want to do. You can come along and just say it doesn't interest you, or you could give us a full pitch on why you deserve the job. We'll listen either way."
"OK. Three o'clock you say. That doesn't give me much time."
Charlie smiled at me, "No, it doesn't. Life's like that sometimes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a long lunch to go to with Neil out at the Golf Club. I'll see you at three o'clock." And he got up and left.
I went back to the department, straight to Perry's office. As I came through the door to his outer office, Stella was just dialling someone on the phone. I heard her say "Oh Janice..." That meant Janice Conroy in accounts, another gossip monger.
"Have the decency to let him get out of the building, Stella" I sharply admonish her.
As I walked passed her towards Perry's office, I heard her say "I'll phone you back" and she smiled at me sweetly.
Perry was packing things into a cardboard box at his desk. One of the personnel guys was standing leaning against the wall, watching him. "I'm sorry Perry. I didn't know it was this bad."
He looked up at me "I was a bit surprised myself. ITP is a bit late, but nothing serious. They've just got a bee in their bonnet about it and I got stung."
"Well, all I can say is, that as far as I was concerned, you were a good boss. I learnt a lot from you. Thank you." I smiled, hoping to cheer him up a bit.
"It's ironic, Tim. I know I was a good departmental manager. And how did I get to be a manager, because I was a good project manager. And what's let me down this time - project management."
"They're wondering whether they should give me the job."
"Do you want it?"
"Yes."
He stopped his packing to look at me, "Then go for it. You'll do it well. You've still got a bit to learn on the management side, but you're exactly what they're looking for - someone to dig them out of the hole their in with ITP. I'd give it to you."
"Thanks. I wanted to know what you thought. Are you having a booze up?"
"No.....not my style." he said, looking pleased that I'd asked.
I shook his hand, and told him to let me know where he ends up. I left in search of Dave.
"Dave, time for a stroll along the riverbank" I whispered as he was passing some schedule charts to one of his team.
"Again!?!" he muttered under his breath, but he followed me out of the office.
When we got to the seat by the river I sat down. Dave waited, he hadn't asked once what this was all about. I told him the situation.
Dave listened and then responded, "You've got to go for it. You can't let some interim guy who doesn't know us from Adam, and doesn't know the system, come in. And, anyway, you may show the occasional hint of ability, not often, but occasionally."
"Thanks. But how do I get it?"
"You've got to show them that you can do it. Show them how you would go about it, and that you are the man for the job. Now is not the time for lights under bushels, you've got to blow your own trumpet, and mix your metaphors all at the same time."
"How? I haven't exactly got a lot of time."
"How about using that presentation you did about a year ago. 'If God was an insurance project manager' or something."
"Great! Well done, David! I'll let you go on working here! I know those slides well, I ended up doing that talk about three times. A quick mix and match on that and I can have a PowerPoint presentation to be proud of."
For the next couple of hours Dave and myself worked hard at our screens. At ten to three I was satisfied with the presentation and what I had to say. I went down to the Boardroom, no one had arrived yet, so I plugged in my laptop to the projector, booted it up and was ready to go. I sat and waited.
The first to arrive was Don McIntyre, the sales and marketing director. Big bluff Don, six foot four, always cheerful and known throughout the industry. He was quickly followed by Andrew Tweedsman, the technology and research director, someone who always looked to me as if he would be happier in the fields of academe than industry, but I'd had very little to do with him. Then Neil Timmons, the managing director and Charlie arrived together, accompanied by a third man that I didn't recognise.
Neil introduced me to him, Sir Philip Cochran. Tall, about sixty years old, immaculately dressed, reeking of money, but with a kind and humorous twinkle in very pale blue eyes. I vaguely remembered some internal memo of a couple of months back announcing that the Board had recruited the recently retired CEO of one of the banks as a non-executive director. I guess this was him.
Neil looked at his watch and said "Well, what have you got to tell us, Tim?"
I stood up and brought the screen to life. Then Pamela Storrish, the financial director came in, apologising, and taking her place at the table.
I made my presentation. On how I would go about bringing the ITP project into control, on how ITP themselves can be brought into the process to give them confidence, on what checks and balances can be built into the implementation. And then onto several slides on me. How long I'd worked at the company. Some of my successes. None of my failures. How I knew the staff, and could get the best out of them. And finally, without a slide, I told them that I had recently split with my wife, but that they should have no worries about me not working properly. I was fully committed.
I sat down. I was pleased with myself. Whether I got the job or not, I knew I had given it my best shot. Charlie leant across the empty chair between us to squeeze my arm.
Neil looked around the table. "Pamela, what are your thoughts?"
Pamela leant forward, "I was very impressed by Tim's presentation. I think we should let him takeover the ITP contract. And anyway, I don't think we have much alternative. Perhaps he could be given a bonus if he can pull it off. Otherwise I suggest we make him acting head of department for a probationary period, and we see how he does. No extra pay or re-grading now, that can come at the end of the probationary period."
Neil made a couple of notes on the pad in front of him. "OK, Don?"
Don looked round the table as he sat up, "My concern is that ITP are happy. As I told you this morning, Neil, I wonder if we should get in someone from outside to put a bit of weight on the project. Someone who can give Tim some support. Just for one or two days a week. We can't afford for this to go wrong. If we cock up ITP we'll never get another insurance contract, and then the rumours will spread. Can anyone name a bank that doesn't own an insurance company these days?" Don looked around the faces at the table.
I spoke up "No, You cannot lumber me with some overseer. What would the rest of the team think if every decision I make or they ask me to make, has to be double checked with someone else. It'll lead to lack of respect for me, and chaos and delay on the work. I'd rather not even try. And as for management weight or whatever Don called it, I may not have played in your big boy league before, but I know my team and I know how to manage them" I threw Don a challenging look, he smiled sweetly at me.
Neil made more notes. "Andrew?"
"Well I think Tim presented himself well. It's been a long time since I did any implementation or project work, but I thought his presentation of those things was watertight. After that I don't thing I'm qualified to say a lot."
"Charlie?"
"I don't understand half of what Tim was talking about. I've worked in the IT world for thirty years, but I don't pretend I understand what you do. What I do know is that Tim's record as a project manager in this place is second to none. I believe he will be a fine manager, I think he's destined to sit at this table in his own right one day, but I'm worried that we could be asking an awful lot of him at the moment."
Sir Philip leant forward, "Neil, if I may..." He leant across the corner of the table and put his hand on Neil's arm. "Maybe you were going to invite me to speak anyway, but just in case you didn't, I'll jump in. I've had to sit through countless IT presentations in my time. I never really understood a word of them, I just made polite noises and asked simple questions, and for forty years I got away with it. Today I almost understood what young Tim there was talking about. Now I haven't known this company very long, but from what I learnt over lunch, you're between a rock and a hard place. I'd appoint him. Having seen his presentation today, I think ITP would be bloody fools if they didn't give him their vote of confidence. And as for a probationary period, what's the point? He'll either salvage ITP for us, in which case we'll all go down on bended knee to thank him. Or he'll fail, in which case I understand there's a pretty good chance none of us will be here, and if we did survive his failure, then at least we'd have the pleasure of sacking him. Pay the man for the job, its only fair."
All eyes went to Neil. He leant back in his chair and stared at me through half closed eyes for a millennium or two. "Tim, I'm worried about your marital problems. You should be patching up your marriage, not taking on more stress and strains here."
It was obvious I had to answer "If I could, I would. My wife and myself have parted, and I think the chances of patching it up are pretty low. That leaves me free. I don't have domestic responsibilities. If I need to I can work as late as I like. I can take work home at weekends without a wife complaining. I'll admit that some of my emotions have been pretty tied up in the last few days. But that's why I need this job, something to take my mind off my problems. Look, I don't want to work all the hours God sends for the rest of my life. I want a happy home life and I want to want to go home on time. But that isn't going to happen in the next couple of months. So, you need someone capable to work hard and dig this company out of a hole, I'm capable and happy to work hard. It suits both of us." I sat back, there was nothing else I could say.
Neil looked around the room. Then he looked directly at me. "You've got the job. And I agree with Philip,. Charlie, put Tim on whatever salary and grade Perry had from today, and sort out all the pension and car things as soon as you can."
There was a murmur of approval and warm smiles from everyone.
Then Neil looked at me again "So when can you have a story to tell that we can take to ITP?"
"Well give me a day to understand the state of play, then a day or two to come up with a plan. How about Friday at the earliest."
"I'll squeeze you on that. You said you could work nights. Let's go and see them on Thursday afternoon, three o'clock say. I'll arrange it. I'll be with you, and so will you Don"
Don looked round, surprised. "I'm in Edinburgh on Thursday, seeing some of the Scottish companies."
"Well, now you're going to be here in the morning and at ITP in the afternoon." said Neil firmly. "Tim, both myself and Don will be available at a moment's notice on Thursday morning for any rehearsal or dry run that you want." He looked round the table. "I am sure the word will go out that you are to have full co-operation from any part of the company in the next few days. Won't it, lady and gentlemen? I'll talk to your department Tim at four o'clock. That's so soon that we might even beat the secretaries with the news."
Neil stood up and came round to shake my hand, quickly followed with the others lining up to congratulate me. Charlie asked that I come up to his office when I leave. Philip Cochran was the last. He warmly shook my hand, holding my right shoulder with his left hand as he did it. "Don't worry about playing with the big boys. The game's much the same, it's just that more people depend on you and the numbers have more noughts on the end. Otherwise it's much the same. After you've settled in, perhaps we can have a game of golf, and I'll tell you a few of my secrets." He smiled warmly.
They all left and I unplugged my laptop and closed down the projector. I made my way to Charlie's office. Charlie welcomed me and told me my new salary. A sixty percent pay rise and a bigger and better car. Not bad for an afternoon's work. I made my way to my desk.
Dave followed me in. "Well?"
I smiled. "Fucking ace!" he said as he punched the air.
Everything after that is a bit of a blur. Neil came and talked to the department. Everyone smiled at my appointment and there was a round of applause when I said a few stumbling words. Stella looked furious!
I called a meeting of the ITP team to tell them that I'd hold an all day session on the project tomorrow, and we went through what information they could bring to help me understand everything. I told them that I would ask Dave to join us, a couple of them exchanged glances at that, but said nothing.
Dave strolled up, still smiling. I told him that I wanted him around for tomorrow's ITP meeting. He wasn't pleased, but I told him that if I was lumbered with it, then I like to spread the pain to my closest colleagues.
Then he asked "Are you going to move into Perry's office?"
"Yes, I guess so, but there are other things to be getting on with without worrying about that."
"No, I wasn't worried about where you put your desk. I want to know what you are going to do about Stella?"
I stopped and looked at him, "Nothing"
"She hates you Tim. You can't have her as your secretary."
"No, but I know that she would never lower herself to be my secretary." I looked at my watch "I bet you she's phoning the employment bureaux as we speak. I bet she'll be having a lot of dental appointments in the next couple of weeks on days when she just happens to be dressed very smart."
"You bugger! Are you going over the road to celebrate."
"Yeah, why not.?"
And that's what we did. I bought a couple of bottles of champagne, but after I'd had two glasses I took to orange juice. I'm a manager now, I can't get pissed in the pub with the lads anymore.
I got home at about eight. I opened the fridge to see if there was anything for me to eat. There, on the bottom shelf was the bottle of champagne that Beth and myself always kept in the fridge, ready to celebrate life's little pleasures as they came along. What was the point? I've got great news and no one to share it with!
I phoned Phil. He was pleased for me, but it wasn't the same.
Then I remembered. I hadn't emailed Beth. In all honesty, in the excitement of the day, I hadn't even thought of her. It was only that champagne in the fridge that reminded me. Was that good? I had been able to get on with my work with undivided attention. Or was it a sad marker that she was drifting out of my life?
I got into the car, and went back into town to pick up a Chinese takeaway, which I took home and ate sitting at the kitchen table. It was almost ten o'clock when I sat down at the computer to send my email.
How do I start? Last time I'd said just 'Beth', should I ease that to 'Dear Beth'? Yes, I think I will, but I still can't think of putting 'With Love' on the bottom. Stop prevaricating, Tim, get on with it:
Dear Beth. First, I didn't say thank you to you on Sunday for talking to Denny and Phil. Thank you for giving me my friend back, and well done for telling Denny, I know it can't have been easy. I've thought a lot about what you said on Sunday, and I think you're right on some things. I do try to just throw what you did back in your face whenever I can. I'm sorry, it doesn't get us anywhere, and I'll try to stop doing it. I've thought a lot about my demand that you talk to your parents and are honest with them. I talked that through with Denny and Phil, and I became even more convinced that it is a good idea. So, I am not going to back down on that one. I know it will be horrible for you, and dreadful for them. But Mary and George do love you, they won't stop loving you because of what you did, anymore than I can. And maybe, having told them, you will find it easier to talk about your motivations, and your needs. So, as I say, I am not prepared to talk to you until after I know that Mary and George know the full story. However, having told them, I will back off my insistence that you give a written pledge to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I will meet you to explain some of the things that I need you to talk truthfully about. I'll meet you by myself, or with Phil and Denny around, or with this ex-counsellor Rose, whatever you prefer. Finally, I am sticking to my soft deadline of 14th July. If we aren't making good progress, and I mean really talking about what happened and what our marriage means to each of us, by then, I'll sign a lease on the flat and move out. That may not make a lot of difference, we can still meet and talk. But it will be another step on the break up of our partnership, another step to reverse. Now it is getting late and I've had an eventful day. I'm tired. I'm sorry if I've rambled a bit. Love, Tim
There I did say it!
I pressed the Send button, and logged off. I went to bed. I thought about Beth at first. But then I thought about a new car, and what I might have. Something with a bit of panache I thought. Something to make Beth jealous? Something to turn the heads of other girls?
---
Tuesday and Wednesday were just long hours of meeting, of writing all over white boards, of talking and reconciling different people's stories. On the Wednesday I managed to take a couple of hours out in the evening to go to the gym. I have to admit, it helped.
When I got home on Wednesday night, Phil had left a message. I phoned him back.
"Hi, Phil. You wanted me."
"Yes. Denny saw Beth on Tuesday night. I think Denny found it quite difficult."
"Why?" I asked.
I could feel that Phil was trying to pitch his answer so as to tell the truth without worrying me. "Well, Beth seems to be in a bit of a mess. All of her own making of course. But Denny felt quite sorry for her about some things."
"Well, life is shades of grey. It is rarely black and white."
"Anyway Denny's suggestion is for us three to meet over an Indian. How about Thursday night?"
"Can't. Thursday's a bit of a big day at work. How about Friday?"
"OK. How about the one down by the station. We all agree it is the best food."
"OK. What time?"
"Well, let Denny and me do our shopping. So how about nine o'clock."
"That suits me, I was planning on going to the gym at seven, so I'll have plenty of time." I confirmed.
"See you!"
By Thursday morning I knew what needed to be said to ITP and by eleven o'clock I went down to see Neil to show him what I had produced. He fussed over it, nit-picking. Changing words to others that meant the same, changing the order of my presentation and then back to where I started. He didn't like the colours I'd used, he didn't like the background slide style, although both were company standard. He was a pain in the arse! But he is also the boss, so I made the changes. Then we set out to ITP. Me with Neil in his car, Don in his own.
ITP welcomed us politely, and I was introduced all round. I even met the mysterious Greg Dickens, who turned out to be a very nice guy who I hit it off with wonderfully, and he was to be my opposite number. After Don had made a brief introduction, I made my presentation. They loved it. They asked sensible questions, all of which I could answer. They loved me.
I left ITP ten feet tall. Neil was far happier company going back in the car than he had been going. When we got back to the office it was nearly seven o'clock. Neil shook my hand in the car park and said "I owe you a drink if not dinner, Tim. But, I'm sorry you are going to have to take a rain check on that. I've got to go." And he got back in his car and was gone.
I went home, again elated, again the bottle of champagne at the bottom of the fridge stared back at me.
Friday was just a day in the office, an anti-climax. But it was the first day that I could give thought how I was going to organise and manage the department. I went to lunch with Darren and Sheila, my opposite numbers as head of banking and investment development teams. More vying for position, more politics.
I left the office in good time to spend an hour at the gym. I enjoyed it. I was beginning to realise that it really helped as a change of pace, an absorbing concentration that allowed the stress to disperse. I showered and went round to the restaurant early. Phil and Denny were already there.
I slapped Phil on the back and kissed Denny, and sat opposite them. I picked up the menu, Phil took it out of my hands "Don't bother, we've already ordered for you."
I looked at Denny, she looked anxious. I looked at Phil, he smiled reassuringly. "OK, how was she?"
Phil answered, "Denny was very worried about her. She's a bundle of nerves, and very unhappy., but I think Denny should tell you."
I turned to Denny, Phil's hand went out to hold hers, lying on the table. "Well, Tim, I don't think I can sort of report a decent structured talk. As Phil says she is a bundle of nerves, she avoids talking about some things, and doesn't always answer direct questions. So, I can only tell you what I discovered or thought, but don't ask for a verbatim account, it would be meaningless."
"OK. Where did you meet?"
"Back at Not Steinbeck's, it was an easy choice."
"OK tell me what you think, and what she told you, however you picked it up."
"Well, it's obvious that she is in a right mess mentally. But I found out that she hasn't told anyone else. As you say, she hasn't said a word to her parents, she hasn't said anything at work, she's just bottled it all up, and it's destroying her."
Phil interrupted "So maybe your idea, Tim, that she has to tell her parents won't be such a bad idea."
Denny looked at him, and then the waiter arrived with some beers for us all. When that interruption was over, Denny continued "You're right. Phil, but she was convinced that the only reason Tim was insisting on her talking to her parents was pure hate and revenge." she looked at me "She thought you just wanted to hurt her and ruin her relationship with her parents. When I told her your reasons, she began to see that maybe there was some logic to it. But she is so scared of the idea that I have no idea whether she will talk to them at all, or how long she might take to do it. I didn't tell her, but I think it's the best thing she could do to save her sanity, she needs to lose the burden of this dreadful secret."
"So you think I am right to force her?"
"Yes, I think you are, but as I say..."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well I started by wanting her just to confirm that it had gone on for three months. I seems so long to me. I don't think I could lie to Phil for a week let alone three months. Anyway, she said that it probably was that long, but that it had started very slowly, and really there was only a short time when there was any intensity to it. I don't think she used the word intensity, but I've forgotten how she described it."
"Go on" I prompted.
Denny looked nervously at me, then glanced at Phil, who I saw squeeze her hand "Well I asked her why she had done it, but I didn't really get an answer. She did say that the affair was almost over, she didn't think it would have lasted more than a day or two, a week at most."
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"No, I just got the impression that she didn't really like this Ken. She did say he was a selfish pig, and not a very good lover."
Phil looked at me "It makes even less sense, why would she have an affair with someone she doesn't like and thinks of as a selfish pig, let alone a poor lover? I can't see any rhyme or reason to it, and I don't think you can either, can you Denny?"
"No. But this reason 'why' is the one bit that she just seems to ignore."
"So what else did you discover?" I asked
At that point, the food turned up, and that distracted us for some time. Once we were all sorted out and eating, I asked again "So, what else, Denny?"
"Well the other things are really just observations. As I said, she is a total mess, she needs someone to talk to. She's totally bound up in guilt. At one point in the evening she was saying that she was convinced that she doesn't deserve to be forgiven. I noticed she used the word 'evil' three times at least in the course of the evening. At other times, she is desperate that you take her back, Tim. She did ask me whether I thought you would, and I told her that I didn't know."
"Is that it?" I prompted
"She got a bit easier with some alcohol inside her. I noticed that she didn't really eat, she just picked at her food. I think she's lost weight, but maybe that's just how tired and drawn she looks."
"Anything else?"
"I know, I am absolutely certain of it, that she loves you Tim. I wondered at first whether she just wanted you back as a matter of pride, or just so as to continue her lifestyle. But the way she talked about you, the way she clung to any little mention of your name, or what you'd said or what you might me thinking, that wasn't just pride. I don't know whether you want her back, but I know she will be heartbroken if you don't..... Sorry Tim, I guess that doesn't help."
"Well it's good for my ego in some ways. But it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy if I walk away."
"Not in our eyes." said Phil.
We went on talking around and around the subject of Beth for the rest of the meal, but I don't think I learnt any more or had any better idea what I was going to do. I asked if Denny was going to see Beth again. She said yes she was, tomorrow morning in fact, and again next Tuesday evening. Phil intervened to say that this would be the last time that Denny would do this sort of reporting back, she felt that she was being unfair on her friend, even if it was in her own best interests. I understood.
I went home, and sat in a chair thinking of Beth and what Denny had told me. I came to no great conclusion, except that Beth obviously needed a friend, and that wasn't me.
I got to bed at about half past eleven that night, hoping I would be tired enough to sleep. I must have dozed off, because I was wakened three quarters of an hour later by Dave phoning me.
"Yes Dave?" I could hear the noise of a party or pub in the background.
"Hi, Tim. We've all decided to hit Shades Club. I thought you might like to come along." He sounded far from *****, but not entirely sober.
"It's a kind thought Dave, but no thank you."
"Oh go one. You're a bachelor now, it's time you got back in the saddle."
"No thanks Dave. I don't think I'm ready for that yet."
"Oh, don't deny the ladies. They need you."
"I'm sorry Dave, but I'm already in bed. It's just too late."
