Chapter 05: Too Late
Saturday morning started late. I hadn't slept well, but I couldn't rouse myself to get out of bed. Eventually I remembered my appointment at the gym, so I managed to get to the shower. That helped.
I was just about to leave the house, early for the gym, but I thought I would grab a coffee or juice in town before that, when my phone rang. It was Phil.
"Hi, Phil."
"Why didn't you tell me? You poor bugger. Are you alright?"
"Yes, As well as can be expected."
"You should have said something. Denny's being sticking pins in a wax model of you all week, and I've had my doubts."
"I was going to, but would you have fancied telling Denny that her best friend was a lying cheating bitch?"
"Oh... I see. But still..."
"Well you know now. And it was better that Beth told you. I take it that's what happened? It was confession time on the girl's night out?"
"Yes. Denny got back here absolutely shell-shocked. She's spitting blood about Beth."
"Tell her not to. I really do need to see you, Phil. No I need to see you both, but I've got to go. I've got an induction session at the gym in three quarters of a hour, and I need a coffee before then."
"You! Gym! Narcissistic pansy boys I think was your phrase when I joined."
"Well, as I've failed with women I thought I'd join the other side."
"Actually, it's a bloody good idea. Some good work outs will help, or they would me. Anyway, how about a pint at lunchtime? You'll need it by then."
I hadn't planned on seeing Phil today. I wanted to talk to him openly, but I had tomorrow in my mind "Haven't you got a match?"
"We did have, but have you looked out of the window this morning?"
No I hadn't. But I did now. It was a grey, wet English summer day. And the rain looked as if it was here to stay. "Oh, I see. Yes it does look a bit bleak."
"So, what about it?" Phil pressed me.
"I think I'd rather still see you tomorrow. I'll be more relaxed by then, and I do need to talk slowly and sensibly about all this."
"Well OK. How about the Red Lion at eleven thirty."
"Does it have to be the Red Lion. I've seen rather a lot of it lately, and it isn't the best pub in the world."
"Its better than a lot. But OK then, how about the King's Head out on the Sheepen Road? That's nice, with plenty of quiet corners to settle into. You could walk to it, it's not that far across the fields from your place. And I'll get Denny to taxi me."
"OK. The King's Head tomorrow. But I must go now. Bye Phil."
"Look after yourself. It will get better, Tim. Denny and myself will help."
"Thanks" ---
The gym was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. After I'd parted with an exorbitant cheque, and got my little plastic card to swipe for anything I wanted to do; to go through a door; to use a bit of equipment; to lock a locker; to have sheer bloody exhaustion fitted.... Actually the guy who took me over all the equipment and helped fill in a rudimentary health check was very nice. I wondered whether he would like an introduction to Beth's brother Stephen, but he was a nice guy. He gave me some tips on what he thought I should concentrate on, but I refused to pay for the full personal training programme. Some general workouts and a bit of sweat would do for me.
After the instructor had left, I thought I'd have a go on a few bits of kit, when Dave turned up, "I thought you didn't come on Saturdays."
"I don't normally, but Maddy went off last night to some wedding with her ex. So I've some thoughts to work out. And I knew you would be down here, and I thought you might like a pint afterwards."
It seemed everybody wanted to pour beer down my throat. Being a cuckold has its compensations.
Dave and myself had a pleasant beer and lunch together. Our talk was very work orientated, I warned him that we seemed due for a Perry led game of musical chairs. He took it well.
When we came out of the pub it had stopped raining. It wasn't a great day, but it was drying up. After I had said my farewells to Dave I went for a walk round town. Its odd how you look at a place differently without a partner holding your hand. I guess you don't have to look in shop windows that don't interest you, and you can spend longer looking at things that do. Married life is a compromise.
I then thought I might stroll round to River Mead, just to look. Blindside was becoming a bigger and bigger question mark in my mind.
At the end of River Mead, where the road meets the river, there are a couple of park benches, for people to sit and look and take in the view. I sat on one and looked sideways at Trafalgar House. There was no sign of the Chapmans, I think the scaffolding was now higher than it had been last week.
I sat there for over half an hour, in deep thought. But I was no clearer as to whether I was going to live there than when I started. Beth had met the first of my demands, I wondered whether she would meet the other two. If she didn't, then my decision was easy. But, if she did, could we, would we make the progress towards rebuilding something worthwhile between us that may make me stay? I was learning that I may be able to dictate the timetable, I may be able to set my own criteria, but it was still a partnership to see what would happen. Damn the woman, she was still ruling my life!
---
On Sunday morning, I got to the King's Head just in time to see Denny's car pull out of the car park, I don't think she saw me, but I waved just in case.
Phil was at the bar when I went in. I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Make it two"
The barman was handing him two pints. "I already did." he said, passing me a pint. The pub was surprisingly full. Tourist trade, I thought, as we looked round for somewhere to sit. We found two good seats in an alcove in a side room. We sat down and looked at each other.
"How do you feel?" was his opener.
"Surprisingly good, actually. When it all happened on Fateful Friday, I was just consumed in the pain of anger, of personal hurt, of revenge, of despair, of....Oh I don't know, just so much. I couldn't read, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't eat. But it is surprising how you get used to living with pain. There is this bloody great hole inside of me, eating away at me. But I can walk and talk and watch telly and work. I just seem to get used to living with the pain. Its almost a friend."
"A pretty hellish friend. No thank you." he observed with a slight shudder.
"Yes, well..."
"You should have said something. We really did think it was something you were both responsible for, and you were definitely the bad guy in Denny's eyes."
"Yes well... I wanted to. I know I needed to talk to you, but when we met last week, I don't think I was capable of taking decisions. You told me that you would have to tell Denny, and that was right, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't sure I wanted her to know, not then."
"You poor bugger. It must have been hell for you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help."
"Don't worry about it." I was beginning to feel tears welling up as I sort of re-bonded with a very dear friend. I took a long draught of beer. Phil followed suit.
Freshened, I asked what Beth had said. Phil gave me a quick summary. It seemed to cover the story, truthfully, even complete as far as I knew it, but it didn't add a lot to my understanding.
"Well, now you know as much as I do." I said. I drank some more beer.
Then Phil continued, "Denny said that Beth was really upset by all of this. She was so full of remorse. She, according to Denny, loves you desperately, and is so scared that she's lost you."
"I think she has. I can't see a way back, Phil. Not for me." Again the tear ducts were on the move. More beer and a pause. But saying those words warranted more than beer and a couple of seconds for recovery. I blew my nose, that did the trick and the tears subsided.
Phil had seen my emotion. He put his hand on my arm and said "Its alright Tim. Tears are inevitable. I'd be a bloody waterworks if it was me. A blubbering mess curled up on the floor."
"You think I haven't been?." I blew my nose again. And smiled weakly.
"Denny thinks you ought to get the divorce papers in right now. Clean break and all that."
"I thought you said she thought Beth could find a way back, or at least she wanted to?"
"Yes, but to Denny, its simple black and white."
"And you?" I asked.
"It was to me as well. My initial reaction was much the same as Denny's. But as we talked, and we did talk for ages, I started to imagine what my life would be like without Denny. I began to wonder where I'd draw the line. I couldn't live with knowing that she'd cheated on me, but I couldn't just throw away everything we have. I really don't know. I think I'd be searching for 'why?' Wanting a reason, some excuse to forgive and forget."
"Yeah. You've got it."
We both finished our pints. I held out my hand for his glass, which he gave me, and I went off to the bar. Once I was back with two new pints, Phil looked at his watch.
"I'm under strict instructions from Denny. We can drink as much as we like, take as long as we like and then I'll phone her and she'll come and collect us and we'll all go back to our place where she'll feed us."
"That's very generous of her. She goes up in my estimation." I smiled.
"She feels guilty. She's been painting you as the lowest of the low all week. But I'm not complaining! For the first time in my life, she's taxied me to the pub as opposed to reluctantly rescuing me when I can't drive home."
We fell to silence, drank our drinks. I wanted to talk, but didn't know how to start, when Phil did it for me, "Who is this Ken, anyway? Do I know him?"
"Well you must have met him, at one of our barbeques or parties. He's about late forties, maybe fifty. Slim-ish, about six foot, greying hair. Always immaculately dressed, he always stands out for wearing expensive clothes that are always one step too formal for whatever the occasion. I thought he was OK, average really. I would never have imagined him as my rival."
"Is he the one that always tells you he's got a Bentley within the first two minutes?"
"Yes, that's him."
"Oh. Yeah, he's nothing special. Good God! Fancy her choosing him. What's happened to him, or them I suppose I should say?"
"I don't really know. I know Jean said something about Spain, and this was the end for her, or something. But my mind was in overdrive at the time, I didn't take it all in."
"Don't you feel like screwing his face into the grill of his Bentley? I think I would."
"No, not really. Surprising that, I thought I would, before this happened, if you know what I mean. But it's the one thing I do remember from what Jean said that morning, 'They were both adults.' It doesn't matter what he did, even if he wooed her with money and fine wine and the whole works. She did it of her own free will. And she went back and did it again, time after time for three bloody months. That's my sticking point."
Phil looked at me, maybe slightly surprised. "What do you mean, five times is acceptable but ten times isn't?"
"Well I'm not sure about even five times, but maybe, just maybe, once might have been excusable. Maybe we've had a row, he plies her with drink and flattery, et cetera. She falls for it. Maybe I would have to forgive that. But to go back, deliberately, time after time, that I can't get over. It isn't even the sex as such. It's the decision to betray me and our marriage for months on end that I can't get over. Even if I could understand what made her do it, if I could find a way of forgiving her, I still don't see how I can forget."
I felt exhausted, and took a swig of beer. Phil sat silent. I guess he decided to put the other point of view, whether out of kindness, to give me something to argue about so as to help me to realise my own true feelings, or whether just because he likes a good argument in the pub, I don't know.
But he pushed me, "Plenty of couples do. Or learn to live with it, maybe like your pain. They seem to rebuild something that they can happily live with. Its hard to imagine from the outside."
Phil knew me, he knew I would rise to the bait, "Yes, but... Six months ago I could spot Beth across the room at a party, chatting or dancing with some young, attractive guy, and I wouldn't have given a damn. Good luck to her for making new friends, for enjoying herself. I trusted her completely and didn't have a jealous bone in my body. But now, for the next thirty, forty, fifty years of my life, I'd see that and wonder, Is this it? Is life repeating itself? And I won't live like that, I can't live like that. And I don't see how she can convince me, show me, that it won't be like that."
I drank some beer. Phil remarked, "Yes, that would be tough." before I continued.
"And another thing. I can't believe a damn word she says. And even if she did really mean it at the moment, that she's never ever do it again, how do I know what she's going to get up to in five years time. Promises fade. And obviously the sanctity of marriage doesn't mean a lot to her."
"Well, maybe she's learnt her lesson. Denny said she really is getting the message that this is the end."
"But how do I know that? How does she prove it? She can't, and in a case of doubt, I'll play safe. I won't get caught again."
Phil finished his pint and looked at me. "Fancy another one?"
"Not really. Its good to sit and talk to you, Phil. But I don't need to drink. I'll happily drink something non-alcoholic if you want another one."
"Well how about I phone Denny to come and collect us, and we have a half while she gets here?"
"That sounds fair." And that's what we did. We didn't really talk about Beth after that, or not until Denny arrived, when she went through the customary sympathy bit.
When we got to their house, we paused in the hall while Denny told us that she planned a traditional Sunday roast, but that meant she still had some cooking to do. So Phil and myself would have to wait about half an hour before it was ready. Phil looked surprised at her plans, but then asked me what I would like to drink. I told him that juice would be fine, or a Coke if they had no juice. I strolled into their living room whilst Phil followed Denny into the kitchen.
I wandered across to their patio doors onto the garden, and as the sun was out, I rolled them back and stepped out.
Their kitchen window was open and I could hear Denny's voice "...seems OK."
"Yes. I think he's a bit delicate emotionally. But he seems to be holding it all together."
"Did you talk about everything. About how Beth was and everything?" Denny seemed to think there was more than Phil was likely to have told me.
"No, not everything. I thought some of it would be better from you, firsthand so to speak." It seemed that Denny was right.
"OK We can talk over lunch." said Denny, with some relish, I thought.
"No, Denny. Give the guy a break. He was pretty emotional in the pub. He was in tears at one point. Some of it even got to me. Let him have a breather. Let's have a lunch without Beth."
"If you say so. You'd better get him his juice. There's some open in the fridge."
A moment later, Phil was at my side with a cool glass of orange juice.
They kept to their private agreement. There was no talk of Beth over lunch, but she came pretty close to being part of the conversation on a couple of occasions. Mainly when we were reminiscing over some past incident, and of course, Beth had been at every one of them. However, we made it to late in the afternoon, when Denny made a pot of tea, before she really raised it again. I was quite relieved, the tension of waiting was becoming unbearable.
"What's all this about a flat, Tim?" she asked simply and directly.
I told her about Blindside, that I didn't go looking for it, but it is such a perfect, refreshing, new start it really is a tempting alternative. She asked if she could see it, soon.
"Sure, I guess I can get you in to look at it, I think I need to look round again so that I know what to take if I go there. But why? Is this you or did Beth ask you to see it?"
"Well, part of it is just me being nosey. But Beth was very wound up about it. I think she sees you moving there as terrifically significant. She's scared to death about it. But I think that's done her some good. I don't know what you said when you met, but whatever it was, do some more of it."
"Why?" I asked, I really needed to know what Denny had found out.
"Well, I think Beth really did believe, maybe she still does, that you would be angry and hurt with what she has done. But, she knew that you loved her and therefore, in her world, you would forgive her. All she had to do was to find the right formula of words to say sorry and everything would be back to normal. I think she realised that it may take a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but you would come round. She knows it was a big hurt she's caused, but you would get over it."
"You really think that she thought she could screw the next door neighbour for months and that she wasn't risking our marriage?" I was incredulous.
"I think when you threw her out, that wasn't what she expected, and that frightened her."
"I'll go along with that," intervened Phil "she was really shocked when she got here that night."
"Then whatever you said at your meeting this week, Wednesday wasn't it, put a timetable on it. I got the impression that you gave her some ultimatums as well. We didn't get on to that. But whatever it was, it seemed to get the message across that this wasn't going to be easy to put right" continued Denny.
"Tell me how the evening went, if you can. I know you and Phil have agreed some rules about what can be talked about and what can't." I asked.
"I told him last Saturday, Denny" said Phil, looked at his wife, slightly concerned, just in case he had told me something he shouldn't.
"I told Beth that I wouldn't say anything to you about Friday night if she didn't want me to, but she didn't seem to care. If anything, she thought that if I tell you how sorry she is it might help. So I don't think I'm breaking any confidences."
"So, what happened?"
"Well Beth phoned me first thing Friday morning, we were still having breakfast, just saying she needed to see me, and what about a glass of wine and some dinner that evening. I have to admit I was intrigued, so I said yes, and we agreed to meet at that new wine bar in the High Street, 'Not Steinbeck's' it's called."
"Odd name" Phil remarked.
"I guess it's a reference to John Steinbeck's novel, but it rather implies that they have never actually read it." I answered him. I turned back to Denny "Go on."
"Well we were well into our second bottle, and it was still girly chit chat. I was beginning to wonder what it was all about. Then she just sort of said that the problem between you was that she had been having an affair, and you had not known a thing until that Friday morning. It was the last thing I expected. So to give myself some time to get my head around that, I sort of stopped her, put her on hold, until we'd ordered some food and waited for it to be delivered. I think we'd finished eating by the time she'd finished telling me that she had been having an affair with this man Ken and that you had suspected something on Thursday and she'd led you away from your suspicions, that's what she said, it struck me as an odd phrase, but Ken's wife came in on Friday morning and the shit hit the fan. She was a bit of an emotional mess by that time, and I didn't really get much more of the story out of her after that. It was all a bit self-pity and tearful mumbles about how you were being so hard, and wouldn't listen to her. Something about you wanted to go over all that had happened, which was going to be so painful for everyone, and that you had this flat and you were going to go if it wasn't all sorted out in a couple of weeks."
Phil, who I guess had heard all this before, just sat quiet. I listened intently, while Denny told her story.
"So why do you think I was right with these ultimatums?" I asked.
"As I say, I don't think she really has any idea of how serious her action was. She knows it's unacceptable, but to her that means society, ****** and everyone will condemn her. What she doesn't see is that it was intrinsically wrong, or maybe she's kidded herself that it was forgivable. She was always very proud of how strong a marriage you two had. Of how much you loved each other, that you were fated for each other. That nothing could interfere with that. So I guess, a little affair on the side didn't really matter, the marriage was stronger than that in her eyes. I can't explain it any other way."
"Did she give you any clue as to why she did it? That's the question that plagues me. Why? Why would she take a lover? Wasn't I good enough? Did he seduce with promises or money? I just need to know why, and in everything she's said she has never answered that."
"No, I don't think she did. I think I asked her that, but she was in the blubbering and sobbing stage by then, and if she did say anything I certainly didn't understand it. I can understand that you need to know, but I don't think I can help you. It was one of the things that Phil and I talked about 'til the early hours on Friday night." Denny looked at me, straight into my eyes, but I couldn't read anything but her own bafflement and sad sympathy for me.
Phil got up and came and put his hand on my shoulder. Somehow it was a comfort. This conversation was getting me nowhere, and was just dragging me down emotionally.
"So what are you going to do now? How did you leave it?" I asked.
Phil answered, looking at his wife to ensure he was saying the right thing, "Well, actually I think that's up to you, Tim."
"Why me?"
Denny turned from her husband to me "Well I was a bit shell shocked when I put her in a taxi, but when I got home I got more and more angry with her. Personally I think you should divorce her, but that's up to you. I do know that, at the moment, it wouldn't worry me not to see her again. So, I'll take my lead from you." Denny picked up her tea cup, took a sip of tea, and looked at me.
I drank my tea, slowly, while I thought things out.
I looked at Denny, then at Phil, and then back to Denny "I don't want either of you to fall out with Beth. Her views on fidelity don't really matter to your friendship. And, anyway, friends are meant to accept their friends' faults. She probably needs all the friends she can get at the moment."
"That's rather generous of you." remarked Phil "I would have thought you might like to hear that she's lost her friends over this. I would have thought there might be some satisfaction in that."
"Well there is that side to it, but selfishly, it might just help me, or even both me and Beth, if I have some other link to her, someone else who can tell me how she is, or what she's thinking." I replied.
Denny looked concerned "But how can we stay friends with both of you. We'll be giving our usual 4th July all-American barbeque in a week's time. Do you really want us to invite both of you?"
"That's up to you, but if you invite me, I promise you, I'll be here. I'm not going to let this mess spoil my friendships. Don't even tell me if you invite her, it'll only give me sheer hell if I'm certain that I've got to face her. Let it be a surprise."
"Oh, by the way. Who is this Ken?" Denny asked.
"He's the one with a Bentley" Phil answered.
"Oh. Him... Yuck.. How could she.. He's old enough to be her father." Denny responded.
I, for some unknown reason, came to Ken's defence "No, not quite. And yes he does have a Bentley, and a Mercedes and a Mitsubishi Shogun. And a villa in Spain. And a flat in London."
"Oh. That's alright. She fucked around in comfort then. Beth didn't strike me as the sugar daddy type." Phil smiled, but looked at me to see if it was alright to do so. I laughed and that eased the tension.
We really didn't talk much more about Beth, or me for that matter. We drifted into a comfortable evening of friendship and discussions on cinema, politics and the one-way traffic system in town.
About eight o'clock, we were sitting outside, keeping warm under their new patio heater, but discussing the fact that all three of us were beginning to feel chilly, when we heard the front door bell. Denny volunteered to answer it, saying she'd make some coffee at the same time. Then we heard Denny call "Phil, can you come here a minute."
The next thing I knew was Phil was back out on the patio telling me that they had Beth in their hall, demanding to see me. Would I be willing to see her? What could I say, but Yes?
She came into the living room and faced me as I came through the garden doors.
"I guessed you would be here this evening. But your car isn't outside, and I nearly went away. I rang the bell without much hope of finding you."
"Well you've found me. What do you want, Beth?" The remnants of the visiting iceberg of days ago suddenly returned to my heart.
"On Wednesday you had obviously thought out what you wanted to say, you didn't give me the chance to say what I needed to say"
"Which is?" I asked, icily.
"That I love you, Tim. OK, I did a terrible thing, I was wrong and I know that, and I know that I've hurt you terribly. I sorry about that. If I could undo what I've done I'd do so, but I can't. I have to live with my mistake. But you must realise that I'm hurting too. You may be so upset with your wife that you can't bear to live with her, but that means I'm living without the one man I love, I need and I want. I'm scared, Tim. Scared I'll lose you forever."
The room fell silent. I wasn't sure what to say. But before I said anything she continued, "I know you'll lie awake at night, hurting over what I did, but I want you to know that I'm lying in a lonely bed, wide awake and crying as well. I'm waking up with nightmares of what I did, of what pain I've caused you, that I'm losing you, and you won't even talk to me."
This time I did respond. My cold hearted anger had risen "Maybe you should have thought of that three months ago. Maybe instead of rushing into the arms of a lover, you could have tried talking to your loving husband."
"Yes, I could have, I should have. But I didn't. I can't alter that, I wish I could. I didn't love Ken, by the end I didn't particularly like him. But I can't alter what I did. And if you just go on and on looking for opportunities to throw that back in my face, to score points with clever repartee then we will never get over this. You keep putting the future of our marriage on my shoulders. And, yes I know that I weakened it all by myself, but it will take two to put it back together again. Please stop trying to hurt me and start trying to help me. Help me rescue the good marriage we had."
I took a step forward, I was tempted to hold her by the shoulders and shout into her face, but I knew that any physical contact would be a mistake. "Why, so that you can hurt me again later? I love you, and I want to forgive you, and maybe in time I could, but I don't see how I can forget. You tell me Beth, how can I forget your treachery? How are you going to make me believe that you won't do it again?"
"I don't know. But if you just give me ultimatums, if you just live by some timetable that suits some landlord somewhere, then I don't stand a chance. Please, Tim, let me try to show you that there is a future for us. I know it will be a different future to the one you wanted, the one you expected, but it will be a good future, one with me helping you, loving you, supporting you. Surely that's better than loneliness as some aging bachelor sadly seeking love the second time around?"
God! Phil! Denny! Someone! Give me some breathing space, some distraction to let me marshal my thoughts. I looked passed Beth's shoulder at the open door. I could imagine Phil and Denny standing silently, discretely in the hall, out of sight, but listening avidly to every word. I didn't blame them, I would have done the same.
Before I found any words, Beth started again, "Tim, when I saw you on Wednesday you were different. In ten days you had changed. I expect I'm changing to. We can't afford to wait while I find the opportune moment to cause hurt and pain to an innocent middle aged couple who I love and need at this moment, and all the time you are deciding whether you want to keep the toaster to the left or the right of the cooker. Please Tim, we need to be together to sort this out. I'll jump through whatever hoops you want, I know I've got an uphill task on my hands, but your not even letting me start."
The ice melted, it was still pretty cold in my heart, but the ice had melted. "I'm sorry Beth, but I just hurt. I HURT AND I HURT AND I HURT. You should have thought... you should have realised what you were doing. I promise you, I will think to see if I can find another way, but I can't make promises to you tonight. I'm sorry."
Again, like at The Red Lion, both of us knew there was no more to be said. She turned to leave, and I followed her. As she went into the hall, the kitchen door clicked shut. We got to the porch and she turned to me, "I do love you, Tim. I just can't stop thinking about you...About how important our partnership is..."
The words 'It's a pity you didn't think about me three months ago' formed in my head, and as I opened my mouth she held up her hand to put two fingers on my lips, "Don't, just don't.. Don't you think I know. Its futile, it gets us nowhere. Do you think if you say it a hundred times like some magic mantra we will be able to go back in time and put the wrong right? I can't. We can't. But I can't build a future by myself either, only we can do that. Tim, we have to talk before it's all too late."
Saturday morning started late. I hadn't slept well, but I couldn't rouse myself to get out of bed. Eventually I remembered my appointment at the gym, so I managed to get to the shower. That helped.
I was just about to leave the house, early for the gym, but I thought I would grab a coffee or juice in town before that, when my phone rang. It was Phil.
"Hi, Phil."
"Why didn't you tell me? You poor bugger. Are you alright?"
"Yes, As well as can be expected."
"You should have said something. Denny's being sticking pins in a wax model of you all week, and I've had my doubts."
"I was going to, but would you have fancied telling Denny that her best friend was a lying cheating bitch?"
"Oh... I see. But still..."
"Well you know now. And it was better that Beth told you. I take it that's what happened? It was confession time on the girl's night out?"
"Yes. Denny got back here absolutely shell-shocked. She's spitting blood about Beth."
"Tell her not to. I really do need to see you, Phil. No I need to see you both, but I've got to go. I've got an induction session at the gym in three quarters of a hour, and I need a coffee before then."
"You! Gym! Narcissistic pansy boys I think was your phrase when I joined."
"Well, as I've failed with women I thought I'd join the other side."
"Actually, it's a bloody good idea. Some good work outs will help, or they would me. Anyway, how about a pint at lunchtime? You'll need it by then."
I hadn't planned on seeing Phil today. I wanted to talk to him openly, but I had tomorrow in my mind "Haven't you got a match?"
"We did have, but have you looked out of the window this morning?"
No I hadn't. But I did now. It was a grey, wet English summer day. And the rain looked as if it was here to stay. "Oh, I see. Yes it does look a bit bleak."
"So, what about it?" Phil pressed me.
"I think I'd rather still see you tomorrow. I'll be more relaxed by then, and I do need to talk slowly and sensibly about all this."
"Well OK. How about the Red Lion at eleven thirty."
"Does it have to be the Red Lion. I've seen rather a lot of it lately, and it isn't the best pub in the world."
"Its better than a lot. But OK then, how about the King's Head out on the Sheepen Road? That's nice, with plenty of quiet corners to settle into. You could walk to it, it's not that far across the fields from your place. And I'll get Denny to taxi me."
"OK. The King's Head tomorrow. But I must go now. Bye Phil."
"Look after yourself. It will get better, Tim. Denny and myself will help."
"Thanks" ---
The gym was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. After I'd parted with an exorbitant cheque, and got my little plastic card to swipe for anything I wanted to do; to go through a door; to use a bit of equipment; to lock a locker; to have sheer bloody exhaustion fitted.... Actually the guy who took me over all the equipment and helped fill in a rudimentary health check was very nice. I wondered whether he would like an introduction to Beth's brother Stephen, but he was a nice guy. He gave me some tips on what he thought I should concentrate on, but I refused to pay for the full personal training programme. Some general workouts and a bit of sweat would do for me.
After the instructor had left, I thought I'd have a go on a few bits of kit, when Dave turned up, "I thought you didn't come on Saturdays."
"I don't normally, but Maddy went off last night to some wedding with her ex. So I've some thoughts to work out. And I knew you would be down here, and I thought you might like a pint afterwards."
It seemed everybody wanted to pour beer down my throat. Being a cuckold has its compensations.
Dave and myself had a pleasant beer and lunch together. Our talk was very work orientated, I warned him that we seemed due for a Perry led game of musical chairs. He took it well.
When we came out of the pub it had stopped raining. It wasn't a great day, but it was drying up. After I had said my farewells to Dave I went for a walk round town. Its odd how you look at a place differently without a partner holding your hand. I guess you don't have to look in shop windows that don't interest you, and you can spend longer looking at things that do. Married life is a compromise.
I then thought I might stroll round to River Mead, just to look. Blindside was becoming a bigger and bigger question mark in my mind.
At the end of River Mead, where the road meets the river, there are a couple of park benches, for people to sit and look and take in the view. I sat on one and looked sideways at Trafalgar House. There was no sign of the Chapmans, I think the scaffolding was now higher than it had been last week.
I sat there for over half an hour, in deep thought. But I was no clearer as to whether I was going to live there than when I started. Beth had met the first of my demands, I wondered whether she would meet the other two. If she didn't, then my decision was easy. But, if she did, could we, would we make the progress towards rebuilding something worthwhile between us that may make me stay? I was learning that I may be able to dictate the timetable, I may be able to set my own criteria, but it was still a partnership to see what would happen. Damn the woman, she was still ruling my life!
---
On Sunday morning, I got to the King's Head just in time to see Denny's car pull out of the car park, I don't think she saw me, but I waved just in case.
Phil was at the bar when I went in. I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Make it two"
The barman was handing him two pints. "I already did." he said, passing me a pint. The pub was surprisingly full. Tourist trade, I thought, as we looked round for somewhere to sit. We found two good seats in an alcove in a side room. We sat down and looked at each other.
"How do you feel?" was his opener.
"Surprisingly good, actually. When it all happened on Fateful Friday, I was just consumed in the pain of anger, of personal hurt, of revenge, of despair, of....Oh I don't know, just so much. I couldn't read, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't eat. But it is surprising how you get used to living with pain. There is this bloody great hole inside of me, eating away at me. But I can walk and talk and watch telly and work. I just seem to get used to living with the pain. Its almost a friend."
"A pretty hellish friend. No thank you." he observed with a slight shudder.
"Yes, well..."
"You should have said something. We really did think it was something you were both responsible for, and you were definitely the bad guy in Denny's eyes."
"Yes well... I wanted to. I know I needed to talk to you, but when we met last week, I don't think I was capable of taking decisions. You told me that you would have to tell Denny, and that was right, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't sure I wanted her to know, not then."
"You poor bugger. It must have been hell for you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help."
"Don't worry about it." I was beginning to feel tears welling up as I sort of re-bonded with a very dear friend. I took a long draught of beer. Phil followed suit.
Freshened, I asked what Beth had said. Phil gave me a quick summary. It seemed to cover the story, truthfully, even complete as far as I knew it, but it didn't add a lot to my understanding.
"Well, now you know as much as I do." I said. I drank some more beer.
Then Phil continued, "Denny said that Beth was really upset by all of this. She was so full of remorse. She, according to Denny, loves you desperately, and is so scared that she's lost you."
"I think she has. I can't see a way back, Phil. Not for me." Again the tear ducts were on the move. More beer and a pause. But saying those words warranted more than beer and a couple of seconds for recovery. I blew my nose, that did the trick and the tears subsided.
Phil had seen my emotion. He put his hand on my arm and said "Its alright Tim. Tears are inevitable. I'd be a bloody waterworks if it was me. A blubbering mess curled up on the floor."
"You think I haven't been?." I blew my nose again. And smiled weakly.
"Denny thinks you ought to get the divorce papers in right now. Clean break and all that."
"I thought you said she thought Beth could find a way back, or at least she wanted to?"
"Yes, but to Denny, its simple black and white."
"And you?" I asked.
"It was to me as well. My initial reaction was much the same as Denny's. But as we talked, and we did talk for ages, I started to imagine what my life would be like without Denny. I began to wonder where I'd draw the line. I couldn't live with knowing that she'd cheated on me, but I couldn't just throw away everything we have. I really don't know. I think I'd be searching for 'why?' Wanting a reason, some excuse to forgive and forget."
"Yeah. You've got it."
We both finished our pints. I held out my hand for his glass, which he gave me, and I went off to the bar. Once I was back with two new pints, Phil looked at his watch.
"I'm under strict instructions from Denny. We can drink as much as we like, take as long as we like and then I'll phone her and she'll come and collect us and we'll all go back to our place where she'll feed us."
"That's very generous of her. She goes up in my estimation." I smiled.
"She feels guilty. She's been painting you as the lowest of the low all week. But I'm not complaining! For the first time in my life, she's taxied me to the pub as opposed to reluctantly rescuing me when I can't drive home."
We fell to silence, drank our drinks. I wanted to talk, but didn't know how to start, when Phil did it for me, "Who is this Ken, anyway? Do I know him?"
"Well you must have met him, at one of our barbeques or parties. He's about late forties, maybe fifty. Slim-ish, about six foot, greying hair. Always immaculately dressed, he always stands out for wearing expensive clothes that are always one step too formal for whatever the occasion. I thought he was OK, average really. I would never have imagined him as my rival."
"Is he the one that always tells you he's got a Bentley within the first two minutes?"
"Yes, that's him."
"Oh. Yeah, he's nothing special. Good God! Fancy her choosing him. What's happened to him, or them I suppose I should say?"
"I don't really know. I know Jean said something about Spain, and this was the end for her, or something. But my mind was in overdrive at the time, I didn't take it all in."
"Don't you feel like screwing his face into the grill of his Bentley? I think I would."
"No, not really. Surprising that, I thought I would, before this happened, if you know what I mean. But it's the one thing I do remember from what Jean said that morning, 'They were both adults.' It doesn't matter what he did, even if he wooed her with money and fine wine and the whole works. She did it of her own free will. And she went back and did it again, time after time for three bloody months. That's my sticking point."
Phil looked at me, maybe slightly surprised. "What do you mean, five times is acceptable but ten times isn't?"
"Well I'm not sure about even five times, but maybe, just maybe, once might have been excusable. Maybe we've had a row, he plies her with drink and flattery, et cetera. She falls for it. Maybe I would have to forgive that. But to go back, deliberately, time after time, that I can't get over. It isn't even the sex as such. It's the decision to betray me and our marriage for months on end that I can't get over. Even if I could understand what made her do it, if I could find a way of forgiving her, I still don't see how I can forget."
I felt exhausted, and took a swig of beer. Phil sat silent. I guess he decided to put the other point of view, whether out of kindness, to give me something to argue about so as to help me to realise my own true feelings, or whether just because he likes a good argument in the pub, I don't know.
But he pushed me, "Plenty of couples do. Or learn to live with it, maybe like your pain. They seem to rebuild something that they can happily live with. Its hard to imagine from the outside."
Phil knew me, he knew I would rise to the bait, "Yes, but... Six months ago I could spot Beth across the room at a party, chatting or dancing with some young, attractive guy, and I wouldn't have given a damn. Good luck to her for making new friends, for enjoying herself. I trusted her completely and didn't have a jealous bone in my body. But now, for the next thirty, forty, fifty years of my life, I'd see that and wonder, Is this it? Is life repeating itself? And I won't live like that, I can't live like that. And I don't see how she can convince me, show me, that it won't be like that."
I drank some beer. Phil remarked, "Yes, that would be tough." before I continued.
"And another thing. I can't believe a damn word she says. And even if she did really mean it at the moment, that she's never ever do it again, how do I know what she's going to get up to in five years time. Promises fade. And obviously the sanctity of marriage doesn't mean a lot to her."
"Well, maybe she's learnt her lesson. Denny said she really is getting the message that this is the end."
"But how do I know that? How does she prove it? She can't, and in a case of doubt, I'll play safe. I won't get caught again."
Phil finished his pint and looked at me. "Fancy another one?"
"Not really. Its good to sit and talk to you, Phil. But I don't need to drink. I'll happily drink something non-alcoholic if you want another one."
"Well how about I phone Denny to come and collect us, and we have a half while she gets here?"
"That sounds fair." And that's what we did. We didn't really talk about Beth after that, or not until Denny arrived, when she went through the customary sympathy bit.
When we got to their house, we paused in the hall while Denny told us that she planned a traditional Sunday roast, but that meant she still had some cooking to do. So Phil and myself would have to wait about half an hour before it was ready. Phil looked surprised at her plans, but then asked me what I would like to drink. I told him that juice would be fine, or a Coke if they had no juice. I strolled into their living room whilst Phil followed Denny into the kitchen.
I wandered across to their patio doors onto the garden, and as the sun was out, I rolled them back and stepped out.
Their kitchen window was open and I could hear Denny's voice "...seems OK."
"Yes. I think he's a bit delicate emotionally. But he seems to be holding it all together."
"Did you talk about everything. About how Beth was and everything?" Denny seemed to think there was more than Phil was likely to have told me.
"No, not everything. I thought some of it would be better from you, firsthand so to speak." It seemed that Denny was right.
"OK We can talk over lunch." said Denny, with some relish, I thought.
"No, Denny. Give the guy a break. He was pretty emotional in the pub. He was in tears at one point. Some of it even got to me. Let him have a breather. Let's have a lunch without Beth."
"If you say so. You'd better get him his juice. There's some open in the fridge."
A moment later, Phil was at my side with a cool glass of orange juice.
They kept to their private agreement. There was no talk of Beth over lunch, but she came pretty close to being part of the conversation on a couple of occasions. Mainly when we were reminiscing over some past incident, and of course, Beth had been at every one of them. However, we made it to late in the afternoon, when Denny made a pot of tea, before she really raised it again. I was quite relieved, the tension of waiting was becoming unbearable.
"What's all this about a flat, Tim?" she asked simply and directly.
I told her about Blindside, that I didn't go looking for it, but it is such a perfect, refreshing, new start it really is a tempting alternative. She asked if she could see it, soon.
"Sure, I guess I can get you in to look at it, I think I need to look round again so that I know what to take if I go there. But why? Is this you or did Beth ask you to see it?"
"Well, part of it is just me being nosey. But Beth was very wound up about it. I think she sees you moving there as terrifically significant. She's scared to death about it. But I think that's done her some good. I don't know what you said when you met, but whatever it was, do some more of it."
"Why?" I asked, I really needed to know what Denny had found out.
"Well, I think Beth really did believe, maybe she still does, that you would be angry and hurt with what she has done. But, she knew that you loved her and therefore, in her world, you would forgive her. All she had to do was to find the right formula of words to say sorry and everything would be back to normal. I think she realised that it may take a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but you would come round. She knows it was a big hurt she's caused, but you would get over it."
"You really think that she thought she could screw the next door neighbour for months and that she wasn't risking our marriage?" I was incredulous.
"I think when you threw her out, that wasn't what she expected, and that frightened her."
"I'll go along with that," intervened Phil "she was really shocked when she got here that night."
"Then whatever you said at your meeting this week, Wednesday wasn't it, put a timetable on it. I got the impression that you gave her some ultimatums as well. We didn't get on to that. But whatever it was, it seemed to get the message across that this wasn't going to be easy to put right" continued Denny.
"Tell me how the evening went, if you can. I know you and Phil have agreed some rules about what can be talked about and what can't." I asked.
"I told him last Saturday, Denny" said Phil, looked at his wife, slightly concerned, just in case he had told me something he shouldn't.
"I told Beth that I wouldn't say anything to you about Friday night if she didn't want me to, but she didn't seem to care. If anything, she thought that if I tell you how sorry she is it might help. So I don't think I'm breaking any confidences."
"So, what happened?"
"Well Beth phoned me first thing Friday morning, we were still having breakfast, just saying she needed to see me, and what about a glass of wine and some dinner that evening. I have to admit I was intrigued, so I said yes, and we agreed to meet at that new wine bar in the High Street, 'Not Steinbeck's' it's called."
"Odd name" Phil remarked.
"I guess it's a reference to John Steinbeck's novel, but it rather implies that they have never actually read it." I answered him. I turned back to Denny "Go on."
"Well we were well into our second bottle, and it was still girly chit chat. I was beginning to wonder what it was all about. Then she just sort of said that the problem between you was that she had been having an affair, and you had not known a thing until that Friday morning. It was the last thing I expected. So to give myself some time to get my head around that, I sort of stopped her, put her on hold, until we'd ordered some food and waited for it to be delivered. I think we'd finished eating by the time she'd finished telling me that she had been having an affair with this man Ken and that you had suspected something on Thursday and she'd led you away from your suspicions, that's what she said, it struck me as an odd phrase, but Ken's wife came in on Friday morning and the shit hit the fan. She was a bit of an emotional mess by that time, and I didn't really get much more of the story out of her after that. It was all a bit self-pity and tearful mumbles about how you were being so hard, and wouldn't listen to her. Something about you wanted to go over all that had happened, which was going to be so painful for everyone, and that you had this flat and you were going to go if it wasn't all sorted out in a couple of weeks."
Phil, who I guess had heard all this before, just sat quiet. I listened intently, while Denny told her story.
"So why do you think I was right with these ultimatums?" I asked.
"As I say, I don't think she really has any idea of how serious her action was. She knows it's unacceptable, but to her that means society, ****** and everyone will condemn her. What she doesn't see is that it was intrinsically wrong, or maybe she's kidded herself that it was forgivable. She was always very proud of how strong a marriage you two had. Of how much you loved each other, that you were fated for each other. That nothing could interfere with that. So I guess, a little affair on the side didn't really matter, the marriage was stronger than that in her eyes. I can't explain it any other way."
"Did she give you any clue as to why she did it? That's the question that plagues me. Why? Why would she take a lover? Wasn't I good enough? Did he seduce with promises or money? I just need to know why, and in everything she's said she has never answered that."
"No, I don't think she did. I think I asked her that, but she was in the blubbering and sobbing stage by then, and if she did say anything I certainly didn't understand it. I can understand that you need to know, but I don't think I can help you. It was one of the things that Phil and I talked about 'til the early hours on Friday night." Denny looked at me, straight into my eyes, but I couldn't read anything but her own bafflement and sad sympathy for me.
Phil got up and came and put his hand on my shoulder. Somehow it was a comfort. This conversation was getting me nowhere, and was just dragging me down emotionally.
"So what are you going to do now? How did you leave it?" I asked.
Phil answered, looking at his wife to ensure he was saying the right thing, "Well, actually I think that's up to you, Tim."
"Why me?"
Denny turned from her husband to me "Well I was a bit shell shocked when I put her in a taxi, but when I got home I got more and more angry with her. Personally I think you should divorce her, but that's up to you. I do know that, at the moment, it wouldn't worry me not to see her again. So, I'll take my lead from you." Denny picked up her tea cup, took a sip of tea, and looked at me.
I drank my tea, slowly, while I thought things out.
I looked at Denny, then at Phil, and then back to Denny "I don't want either of you to fall out with Beth. Her views on fidelity don't really matter to your friendship. And, anyway, friends are meant to accept their friends' faults. She probably needs all the friends she can get at the moment."
"That's rather generous of you." remarked Phil "I would have thought you might like to hear that she's lost her friends over this. I would have thought there might be some satisfaction in that."
"Well there is that side to it, but selfishly, it might just help me, or even both me and Beth, if I have some other link to her, someone else who can tell me how she is, or what she's thinking." I replied.
Denny looked concerned "But how can we stay friends with both of you. We'll be giving our usual 4th July all-American barbeque in a week's time. Do you really want us to invite both of you?"
"That's up to you, but if you invite me, I promise you, I'll be here. I'm not going to let this mess spoil my friendships. Don't even tell me if you invite her, it'll only give me sheer hell if I'm certain that I've got to face her. Let it be a surprise."
"Oh, by the way. Who is this Ken?" Denny asked.
"He's the one with a Bentley" Phil answered.
"Oh. Him... Yuck.. How could she.. He's old enough to be her father." Denny responded.
I, for some unknown reason, came to Ken's defence "No, not quite. And yes he does have a Bentley, and a Mercedes and a Mitsubishi Shogun. And a villa in Spain. And a flat in London."
"Oh. That's alright. She fucked around in comfort then. Beth didn't strike me as the sugar daddy type." Phil smiled, but looked at me to see if it was alright to do so. I laughed and that eased the tension.
We really didn't talk much more about Beth, or me for that matter. We drifted into a comfortable evening of friendship and discussions on cinema, politics and the one-way traffic system in town.
About eight o'clock, we were sitting outside, keeping warm under their new patio heater, but discussing the fact that all three of us were beginning to feel chilly, when we heard the front door bell. Denny volunteered to answer it, saying she'd make some coffee at the same time. Then we heard Denny call "Phil, can you come here a minute."
The next thing I knew was Phil was back out on the patio telling me that they had Beth in their hall, demanding to see me. Would I be willing to see her? What could I say, but Yes?
She came into the living room and faced me as I came through the garden doors.
"I guessed you would be here this evening. But your car isn't outside, and I nearly went away. I rang the bell without much hope of finding you."
"Well you've found me. What do you want, Beth?" The remnants of the visiting iceberg of days ago suddenly returned to my heart.
"On Wednesday you had obviously thought out what you wanted to say, you didn't give me the chance to say what I needed to say"
"Which is?" I asked, icily.
"That I love you, Tim. OK, I did a terrible thing, I was wrong and I know that, and I know that I've hurt you terribly. I sorry about that. If I could undo what I've done I'd do so, but I can't. I have to live with my mistake. But you must realise that I'm hurting too. You may be so upset with your wife that you can't bear to live with her, but that means I'm living without the one man I love, I need and I want. I'm scared, Tim. Scared I'll lose you forever."
The room fell silent. I wasn't sure what to say. But before I said anything she continued, "I know you'll lie awake at night, hurting over what I did, but I want you to know that I'm lying in a lonely bed, wide awake and crying as well. I'm waking up with nightmares of what I did, of what pain I've caused you, that I'm losing you, and you won't even talk to me."
This time I did respond. My cold hearted anger had risen "Maybe you should have thought of that three months ago. Maybe instead of rushing into the arms of a lover, you could have tried talking to your loving husband."
"Yes, I could have, I should have. But I didn't. I can't alter that, I wish I could. I didn't love Ken, by the end I didn't particularly like him. But I can't alter what I did. And if you just go on and on looking for opportunities to throw that back in my face, to score points with clever repartee then we will never get over this. You keep putting the future of our marriage on my shoulders. And, yes I know that I weakened it all by myself, but it will take two to put it back together again. Please stop trying to hurt me and start trying to help me. Help me rescue the good marriage we had."
I took a step forward, I was tempted to hold her by the shoulders and shout into her face, but I knew that any physical contact would be a mistake. "Why, so that you can hurt me again later? I love you, and I want to forgive you, and maybe in time I could, but I don't see how I can forget. You tell me Beth, how can I forget your treachery? How are you going to make me believe that you won't do it again?"
"I don't know. But if you just give me ultimatums, if you just live by some timetable that suits some landlord somewhere, then I don't stand a chance. Please, Tim, let me try to show you that there is a future for us. I know it will be a different future to the one you wanted, the one you expected, but it will be a good future, one with me helping you, loving you, supporting you. Surely that's better than loneliness as some aging bachelor sadly seeking love the second time around?"
God! Phil! Denny! Someone! Give me some breathing space, some distraction to let me marshal my thoughts. I looked passed Beth's shoulder at the open door. I could imagine Phil and Denny standing silently, discretely in the hall, out of sight, but listening avidly to every word. I didn't blame them, I would have done the same.
Before I found any words, Beth started again, "Tim, when I saw you on Wednesday you were different. In ten days you had changed. I expect I'm changing to. We can't afford to wait while I find the opportune moment to cause hurt and pain to an innocent middle aged couple who I love and need at this moment, and all the time you are deciding whether you want to keep the toaster to the left or the right of the cooker. Please Tim, we need to be together to sort this out. I'll jump through whatever hoops you want, I know I've got an uphill task on my hands, but your not even letting me start."
The ice melted, it was still pretty cold in my heart, but the ice had melted. "I'm sorry Beth, but I just hurt. I HURT AND I HURT AND I HURT. You should have thought... you should have realised what you were doing. I promise you, I will think to see if I can find another way, but I can't make promises to you tonight. I'm sorry."
Again, like at The Red Lion, both of us knew there was no more to be said. She turned to leave, and I followed her. As she went into the hall, the kitchen door clicked shut. We got to the porch and she turned to me, "I do love you, Tim. I just can't stop thinking about you...About how important our partnership is..."
The words 'It's a pity you didn't think about me three months ago' formed in my head, and as I opened my mouth she held up her hand to put two fingers on my lips, "Don't, just don't.. Don't you think I know. Its futile, it gets us nowhere. Do you think if you say it a hundred times like some magic mantra we will be able to go back in time and put the wrong right? I can't. We can't. But I can't build a future by myself either, only we can do that. Tim, we have to talk before it's all too late."
