Journal of a Journey - Book Thirty Seven

There’s no doubt about it, she’s losing interest in Ray. I've noticed her passion for him has waned a bit but I also know she feels more comfortable in herself right now. Perhaps as those passions continue to decrease she'll desire more elsewhere. I think there are still some legs in what is going on at the moment so this may play out over a few months maybe. I'm sure she talks to people at work as well as outside so I suppose it could happen but I don't think there's anyone she talks to explicitly.

Suzanna shops at several outdoor malls nearby or does online shopping. I suppose the malls offer an opportunity for her to encounter other guys and there are also a number of businesses and shops elsewhere that she frequents so I suppose it's possible.

What I do know is that she's put her panties back on this morning after a week of ‘normalcy’ and, damn, isn’t that turning me on to think about again!


I have been very preoccupied lately, primarily with work, which actually has been a blessing as I haven’t had too much time to be dwelling on things.

I do know that I felt very different about Suzanna going away this time vs. the wedding thing. In many ways I felt much more comfortable with them going away this time, inside I think I felt more at ease. Of course it's all a relative thing. The denial that she'd started with me the week before didn't seem quite as intense as I thought it would have for several reasons (at least in my head) one of which was that she certainly didn't shun me on Sunday before she left so that did ease my anxiety. The second reason was that when she wasn't here, it didn't seem to get to me as much as I thought it would. For sure, her nightly X-count was arousing but for whatever reason (maybe because work was just crazy, and still is!) it didn't affect me as I thought it would. In a weird way, it actually made me feel sort of good knowing what she was doing.

In my head I understand (well mostly) what Suzanna is thinking. What I think she's meant by her view on just the denial thing is this, if there was no other guy involved, that denial on its own, just to say no to me for however long, doesn't bring her enough enjoyment to offset not having sex for that long. I know that if she doesn't see Ray that by the time Thursday comes around (if not sooner) she's hinting at me for sex. She likes to have sex usually 3, maybe 4 times a week; with Ray in the picture he fills at least one or two of those times and I'm ok with that because my norm would also be 3-4 times a week. So, if Ray wasn't around, then her denying me merely denies herself too. Okay, not such a concise explanation but that's how I understand it.

Could she, with perhaps more coercion, look to shift that ratio of me having less and her lover having more? Yes, I suppose she could but I don't think she's viewing my masturbation as a replacement for wanting to be with her so I don't agree with that theory. With her frequently joining me in self-pleasure, I view it more as something we're doing together and not something we're doing instead of doing each other.

Regarding Ray, he's told me many times (and Suzanna's confirmed) that he has a low-sex-drive. The one good night of fucking he gets from Suzanna, he's told me, leaves him very satisfied. I know that I enjoy the companionship I have with Suzanna in addition to the sex but I suppose that if I was in a bad-marriage perhaps I would value being left alone instead?

I'm quite sure if Suzanna wasn't there to satisfy him that he would have a girlfriend and they'd probably only have sex once or twice a week.

We're well past a year now that this has been going on and it hasn't escalated in terms of the day-to-day relationships we seem to have between each other. Indeed, I sense that things are calming down or should I say, cooling down, between them. I don't see the same urgency in Suzanna's desire to see him (other than before the trip) as I'd seen earlier and I might even say that I don't know that outside when they were away, that Suzanna is feeling quite the same sexual satisfaction either. I say that not just because of her comments but also in the increased desire I think I feel from her with me.

So while the demise of their relationship may be inevitable, I'm not sure I want to push things along. This is another situation where I want to see her truly say what she wants and to initiate the conversation. She's hinted at times that she ‘wished this’ or ‘wanted that’ but the other aspect is that while some of the heat may be fading, she did let herself have this sexual experience with him and it did fulfil her desires so it might seem kind of weird to bring up finding a new guy right now. Maybe I’ll broach the idea in a few weeks.


I also think I should maybe explain more about what Suzanna's shared regarding all of this and her newfound revelations. Her comments about me not cumming in her seem to be twofold. One is that based on her experience with Ray that she now believes that the frequency and exclusivity with him before she left intensified her experience and let her feel what she wanted. It's not easy for me to say that but on the other hand, as she pointed out, I've done this with/for her many many times over our 25+ years together and now she's found out that when she needs or wants it again, that she can find it. That she ‘absorbed his cum’ for that week before she went away with him predisposed her to the experience she had. She also admits that to watch me, her husband, masturbate several times in the knowledge of both what I'm doing and the fact that she (as well as me) wants her lover to have sex with her next instead of me is what turns her on.

In some of our conversations I asked her why she'd never taken me up on earlier offers to be with another guy. There were many times in our past when we were away alone, skiing or otherwise, when I hinted that she could ‘go have fun’ with someone or other. At one point I asked her what more I could have done to push her to do it. She admitted that there was one time when we were skiing and we'd seen a guy she called 'cute' in a condo a few doors down from us (we saw him in the common area and in the indoor pool area) and she thought about it. She said, "if you would have jerked off instead of having sex with me you probably would have convinced me you really wanted me to do it".

I never thought of it back then but that would have been a true assurance that I truly wanted her to do it. So, now knowing that, my masturbation on Wednesday must give her the same validation of my wishes. In that sense, she says it turns her on to think that she's giving her ‘married pussy to another man’ so when she says that seeing me cum and knowing it's not going in her, that’s what turns her on. It's this kind of mental turn-on she's now finding she's enjoying.

I admit that scares me a bit but since I am sure that since I have made it clear that it turned me on that I shouldn't be surprised that Suzanna adopted it as something that she herself is now turned on by. Another way to view it in my head is this, I love watching her masturbate, so is it any different than that? Granted there is a sense that this time it is an alternative to having sex together but I'm not so sure that I should be apprehensive about that either.


I have been occasionally playing the dom myself with Suzanna, that's something that I do but I'm not sure if she's recognized or, if she has, whether she's ready to accept it yet. However, given our busy lives and such, I can't role for a long period of time. Weekends, days or even a week when we're away, yes, I can certainly do (and have done before) but when we're home it just doesn't work. Perhaps if our ******** was away or we were on vacation, it could have worked but it would have been just role-playing. What I saw from that is that Suzanna probably would like to have a more dominant lover. Perhaps not to the extreme that Dan was, but someone who could be more dominant than Ray is being. More importantly, do it on an ongoing basis and not as something that only happens when she goes away with him, etc.

I already gave into a lot of this when she was seeing Dan. I know that there were 2 and even sometimes 3-week periods in there when I didn't have sex with Suzanna. It was difficult but I look back and I also know that he was reaching and touching something in her (and not just the back of her pussy with his cock either!). I felt that for a while there he was bringing her a true sexual pleasure a lot like she experienced when she went away with Ray and, to be honest, seeing that made it easier and even, dare I say, enjoyable to do and to not have sex with her.

Now, with her revelation about the week before she went away, perhaps condoms would be something worth considering during these periods of time when she wants it. Of course, I have to be honest and say that in my mind, it may be that her orgasms experienced with him have influenced her response so perhaps not penetrating her at all might be what would be better for her. However, that would clearly be only acceptable to me for maybe 2-3 weeks at a time.

It all sound so cold and scientific, as if I can really put a timeframe on my desires but given the abstract discussion on a Wednesday night when my cock was already getting hard thinking about later, well, all of that talk just turned me on.

I will admit, there is a certain eroticism that I feel when I think about not cumming in my own wife. Are we cucks all the same in this thought? Even if it's only for the moment when she's cumming with her lover, do we all share the same arousal at another many pleasuring her instead of me; is that word ‘instead’ the underlying drive?


Last night resumed our usual Wednesday night routine. Suzanna seemed very pleased when we got into bed and she cuddled up next to me and reached into my boxers and felt that my cock was already firm and responded immediately when she gave it a stroke or two.

I told her openly that I was looking forward to it and she smiled and said she was too. I do love masturbating for her. I think the openness we shared over the past week or so seemed to really turn me when it finally came time to do it again with her. My cock was huge and throbbing by the time she helped pull the covers back and slide my boxers down. She cooed at ‘how hot it looked’. I started stroking it slowly and she started to tease me.

She started to tell me how it turned her on to watch me and she emphasized ‘to see your cum’. When I groaned she moved closer to me and said, "come on baby ... let me watch you ...". She turned her head up to face me and said, " ... you know it turns me on". I looked at her and could see her hardened nipples through her night-shirt. It was pulled up around her waist and below she had on a pair of pink panties. She saw me looking at her body and she commented, "you know you that's not for you tonight .... but I will tell you that I'm very wet right now watching you".

Oh man, that turned me on. I was getting into it and probably would have had a blast of a time even if she'd stopped teasing right then but I knew she would continue. I've long said that my cock is like a lie-detector and that it was apparent what she was saying was turning me on.

She came right out with, "mmmm baby .... just think one day this might be all you get. Do you like to think about that?"

The speed of my hand and the amount of pre-cum dripping from me already gave away my answer but I managed to groan out, "That’s so hot to think about ... " but I had the sense to immediately add ," ... it turn me on waiting for you" as I still had the awareness to make sure I kept some sort of limits.

She didn’t stop with the teasing, " ... but it turns you on to think about it, doesn't it?". Oh man, she was really turning it on. She kept it up, "mmm - I like to see all your cum .... and how much isn't going in me!". She kissed my cheek and said, "you're making me really horny for Ray tomorrow....” As if I wasn't already turned on, hearing her go at it like this was really getting me turned on.

She ran her hands over my chest and shoulders, leaned in and said, "is this how you took care of yourself when I was away?" and when I nodded and moaned back to her she said, "mmmm, turns me on to think about how much you must have cum without me" then a second later she said, "how many times; how many times did you jerk off like this?"

I don't think she really wanted an answer from me as she kept talking, "did you do it once for each time we did it?"

I hadn't thought about it that way but I probably jerked off way more than 10 times. That thought stayed in my head as she kept up with her whispers in my ear.

At one point she moved down and got very close to my hand on my cock. She just watched and cooed how it turned her on to watch me, "You must be really horny; your cock looks huge" as she turned her head towards me. She moaned out loud when I reached down with my left hand and went to hold my balls and she immediately pulled my hand away and replaced it with hers. I felt the touch of her hand and she said, "They feel so heavy...." as she gently cradled them. She held them up so they didn't flop around as I stroked away and, oh man, did that feel nice and turn me on even more. A moment later she moved back down and this time she flicked her tongue at the tip of my cock to lick off the pre-cum then came up to me and put her tongue in my mouth. Talk about erotic, the tips of our tongues sharing the sweetness. I let out a moan as she did that and she moved in and kissed me before she pulled away to say, "I want to watch you cum," and went back to watching.

Sure enough, as she continued to gently hold and then gently massage my balls I felt it coming on. I started to almost involuntarily thrust my crotch upwards with each stroke and heard her moan as she must have felt my balls contract or pull inward as my passion grew. A minute later as all the thoughts she'd placed in my head collided, damn, I let loose with a huge load of cum!

I felt her body shake a bit as I started to cum and I know she had an orgasm herself (perhaps just a baby one) at that moment. She squealed at my first spurt which felt huge and she then just moaned at each subsequent stroke drew out more and more. When I'd done all I could exhausted I let my cock flop down against my pubes and I relaxed my body. With my eyes closed I felt her moving around and when I opened my eyes a second later she was right above me and was saying, "ahem....", when I focused I saw what she was ahem-ing about, some of that first spurt of cum had landed on her cheek and I needed no further prodding to lean up to her and kiss her cheek and lick it off. As I did that I ended it with a kiss and she moaned such that I swear she had another mini-orgasm.

As soon as she calmed down I knew what was coming. She didn't really ask, she just said, "ready?" and when I nodded she smiled and started pushing all of my cum into one pool on my stomach. She commented, "wow, you came a lot" as she started to put it onto her fingers and then into my mouth.

It may sound weird but at that moment in time, to me, I find my cum tastes good. It’s not that I don’t mind it at other times but when she brings her fingers to my mouth like then it's just a continued turn on to lick them clean. As she finished and I licked the last of it off her fingers, she straightaway leaned in, kissed me deeply and said, "Turns me on to taste it in your mouth like that ... mmmm".


Our routine on Wednesdays is typically like I’ve just described. She teases me intensely for that first time but the second time around, she encouraged me to tell her more of what I was feeling and how I felt about things. I guess she's noticed that a slow build-up for the 2nd time works better for me.

We watched TV for a while after that first time. She lay next to me after she'd cleaned me up and we were cuddled up under the blankets. There is no doubt in anyone's mind about how we feel about each other and our closeness and tenderness was really nice to feel. Sometimes, after I've cum the first time it can be a bit weird feeling like I just ‘put on a show’ (maybe it's just me being self-conscious) but not last night.

Sure enough, after we'd watched a TV show she turned towards me and began to kiss my cheek and neck and at the same time she ran her hand down my chest and into my boxers. If I wasn't already hard then a moment later it was on the way. She even giggled at how quickly I responded. This time she leaned down and sucked me and came back up and said, "just wanted to be sure" and as she again pushed the covers and my boxers down, she reached for my hand, put it on my cock and encouraged me to start stroking again.

As I said above, this time she asked me, "so, what are you thinking?". I was honest and I told her that, "knowing this turns you on get me really horny". She wanted to hear more so I managed to croak out, "it makes me so hard knowing you're going to fuck Ray tomorrow".

She cooed in my ear and said, "me too. I like thinking about it". I groaned back and she said ,"tell me what you think about; what do you like the most?". I was totally hard by then and I didn't mind telling her.

Today, writing this all, it sounds crazy, but last night it felt so erotic telling her this. I told her something like, "I think about how wet you will be for him tomorrow" and that really brought a moan from her. I also noticed that she'd moved a little and now, while I was involved with my own self-pleasure, I thought I could feel the bed moving a bit and I realized she had started to masturbate too.

I asked her, "are you wet now?" and she moaned back "uh huh" and then, "tell me more". I closed my eyes and let my brain go, I told her, "I'm thinking about how you'll feel to him when he puts his fingers in you". She groaned back, " ... or when he licks me down there".

We went back and forth for a while longer, each exchange seemed to up the ante. I told her that I like thinking about how open he gets her pussy and I let my brain wander along and told her that I liked thinking, “of you lying back under him". Mind you my hand has gone from a slow deep stroke now to a fast blur at times. I know there were gaps of silence at times and during them I could hear the sound of her own fingers making squishing noises from below the blankets.

Finally, it was her, with an urgent groan who said, "tell me more". I loved knowing at that moment we were almost in the same place. Even though I couldn't see her with my eyes, I could see her in my head. I thought she might say more but after a moment of quiet I started to fill the void. I told her how I loved to see her ‘getting fucked’ and then ‘watching you cum’. It was so much fun those last few moments; I knew as soon as I said it that I was going to explode and I knew that as soon as I did, that she would be right behind me if not already there. I told her how I liked watching him pull her legs back under his arms as I do but when I finally said that, "I really love watching him cum in you" that was it, a moment later my closed eyes filled with stars as I grunted out an awesome orgasm. Sure enough as I crested and felt spurt after spurt on my stomach and chest I heard and felt Suzanna next to me also cum. It was so erotic to listen to her bring herself off using both hands and also to her then licking her own fingers too.

We lay together in the quiet the only sound was our breathing until all of a sudden she started giggling and I struggled to roll over to see her. She quickly put the blanket down from where she was looking under it and while still giggling she said, "I am soooo wet, I have to go get changed." she kissed me and said, "you stay right there, besides, you don't get to watch yet". She went into the bathroom and changed her panties and came back out and knelt next to me.

Her nipples were still all hard and pointy and she said to me, "ready?” I smiled at her and just opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out. As she fed me my cum she talked aimlessly at first but then asked me if I remembered the first time we'd done this? I'm thinking, "first time she fed me my cum?" and when I didn't answer she said, "you know, the first time we ever did it together in front of each other?”

I couldn't remember that specifically as it became something that we became comfortable with and then have done fairly often, but she did. She said it was a few months after we'd started together and when she reminded me of her wearing a long skirt in the back-seat of her car; I remembered. We'd started fucking in the back seat and she'd reached down to rub herself to help along, she'd done it before, nothing new, but this time in the moonlight (or streetlight?) I remember kneeling back away from her and her, in a drunken mood, saying I should watch then her admission that she'd never done it before, let a guy watch her just like that. I remembered joking, "you can watch me, okay?"

I'd long jerked off in front of my girlfriends (most liked watching so that wasn't new) but this was the first time for both of us and now that she'd reminded me of the circumstances, it made for a really nice feeling between us as we lay there and she finished cleaning me up.


I'd always said to myself when we'd first gotten together that I loved that she was into sex for her own pleasures. I could always feel way back when that she really was into it for her own pleasure and while it always worked out that I'd cum with her while in her, there was little doubt early on that it didn't really matter to her if I did or didn't. Of course, you fall in love and have a life together, wanting your partner to cum with you becomes something you want together and I know that she most definitely wanted it to be ‘us’ when it came to orgasms after we got serious with each other but, as I said from the beginning, I have always wanted to see this sexy/slutty side of her come out and I am so psyched it has.

We'd turned the TV off and after the first two times being pretty intense (and I swear it seems like I cum more these days) Suzanna turned off the lights and rolled towards me to give me a kiss. She playfully reached down and said, "did you want to go a 3rd time baby?” I didn't answer but she did give me a few tugs and damn if it didn't start to respond.

She kissed me and said, "wow, you really enjoy this don't you?" I nodded yes and she said, "okay but I’m really tired. I'll just watch... " and then she looked up at me and said, ... "are you going to be quick?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said I'd try to be as quick as I could. Oh man, my cock ached as I started to stroke. I can always tell as I get started whether I'm really going to be up for a 3rd time and damned if I didn't get that feeling of wanting, maybe even needing to go for it. I heard her give a moan that was half surprise and half sexy; I got hard pretty quickly.

After a few minutes where it seemed I was kind of stuck and I'd slowed down a bit she looked up at me and said, "I'll help you out" and she then turned and took my cock into her mouth. The way she sucked at it and ran her tongue around the tip and straightaway I could feel another load brewing. It didn't matter how little cum there would be, it was going to feel awesome nonetheless.

She used her hand and mouth until I guess she felt me start to throb a bit. It was only maybe 2-3 minutes when she pulled her mouth off me and turned and said, "You finish now". I didn't need much more really. I started to stroke my cock all wet from her mouth and it felt awesome to rub my thumb against the underside of the head of my cock at the end of each stroke and, sure enough, a moment or two later I felt it approaching. My hand moved faster and faster and I was just about to burst when I felt her hand pull mine away and she slid her mouth over me again. Oh man, feeling her tongue and the back of her mouth, a second later I gently put my hand on the back of her head; she knew what that meant, a moment later she let me cum in her mouth.

I was not surprised by it but, oh, I was so pleased. I lay back and she pulled her mouth off my cock and immediately came up and kissed me. She moaned at me as I opened my mouth and her tongue pushed the little quantity of cum I'd squirted into my mouth. As she did she pulled away and said, "Bleah, that was so bitter," and she giggled and said, "You deal with it now".

It was bitter, really bitter and sour tasting, and I had to reach for a glass of water to rinse away the taste and the whole time she was giggling at me. When I turned back after drinking some water she kissed me again and said, "do you think you might be able to sleep now?”

I felt exhausted and was out a minute later.....

At the moment there is no continued denial, indeed, quite the opposite.

Thursday when she got home about 7pm I was working on dinner by then out on the barbeque. She came up to me and surprised me with a kiss and a hug. I couldn't follow her back inside just then (steaks needed turning!) but she called out that she would get changed after dinner.

After we'd finished eating and our ******** disappeared Suzanna said she was going up to, ‘finally get changed’ and I think she knew I was going to follow her. She'd already slipped off her pants and was unbuttoning her top when I came in. I could see where her breasts were still kind of reddened as if they'd been forcibly handled and she rubbed them as she took her bra off. I know they looked no different than normal but the thought that her nipples were in his mouth just a few hours earlier turned me on. She saw me looking at her as she picked out a new pair of panties to put on and she turned to me and said, "you don't get to see it till tomorrow" but as she walked towards the bathroom she came up to me and said, "but if you close your eyes, I'll let you have a feel if you want".

I dutifully closed my eyes and allowed her to take my hand. She moved and then put my hand between her legs and I realized she'd taken her panties off. I felt her curly pubes as she slid my hand down her body, She teased me with a ‘don't be looking’ then spread her legs a bit and allowed me to push my middle finger up into her waiting pussy. It felt so soft and wet and squishy inside. I almost opened my eyes when I felt her pull my face to hers and kiss me I guessed to keep me from looking. No sooner had my finger up in her did she reach down and pull it out all while still kissing me. Then she turned away and said, "it's for you tomorrow."

She went into the bathroom but she didn't turn around so all I saw of her naked body was her back.

We didn't talk about it at all for the rest of the night but the thought of her spending the rest of the night with his cum still in her was enough to keep turned me on all night. By the end of the night I was already starting to get hard despite it being a Wednesday night.


Friday was a blur and I came home a little later than expecting to find the house empty except for Suzanna. She'd dropped our ******** off at a high-school football game and grinned at me when I started to realize what she was suggesting when she said, "Want to have me as your appetizer?”

I joked back that I'll have her for the main course and dessert too.

We were up in the bedroom a minute later and passion seemed incredibly high between us. There was mild teasing with her asking me if she still felt wet and sticky from him as well as her telling me how much she loved me and how horny she was for me. She sucked my cock until I couldn't wait any longer to get into her pussy. She wanted me to get on my back on the bed and said she was going to get on top but I told her that, first, I wanted her at the edge of the bed on her knees. She didn’t hesitate.

She knelt there and I rubbed the tip of my cock up and down, each time spreading her pussy lips wider apart. From behind her I could see the swollen nib of her clit peeking out at the bottom and all the way up to where her vagina now gaped a little open in eager anticipation for me. Even though it was impossible, in my head I imagined I could see a pool of Ray's cum still in her. When I pushed into her that first time, I realized that wasn't Ray’s cum in her, but it was, apparently, hers. As I pushed in, some ran out and down her thighs and I realized she'd orgasmed as I'd effortlessly pushed into her. I went from gentle to aggressive in just a second and she squealed as I grabbed her hips and slammed into her harder and harder. She fell from being up on her arms fully extended to slumping forward with her face buried in the mattress. This only opened her up even wider and damn if I didn't start to hammer her such that her juices were even almost splashing out as I slammed in. I know from how she felt but also from how she was moaning that she was close and at that moment, I wanted her to cum profusely. I put one foot up on the bed which let me lean forward more and I was able to rub her clit if I reached far enough forward. It only took a few gentle rubs timed with a deep plunge into her for her to lose control and cum and cum and cum.

She finally rolled over and I knelt above her. Oh how I love to look down at her naked sexually aroused body! Every part of her looks alive. She pulled her knees back for me revealing the bare area between her legs more clearly and I pushed into her just a little bit and then pulled slowly back, she felt glorious.

I offered her the opportunity to switch places with me and it took her a moment to realize what I was saying but, sure enough, a moment later she pushed me back on the bed as she sat up and then she climbed up on top of me. It was so erotic to see and feel her holding my cock as she rubbed it all around her pussy spreading all of her sweetness. She positioned my wet cock just so and a moment later effortlessly slid down onto me. As she neared the bottom she started to moan and then she leaned forward which is her signal and encouragement for me to start to fuck her in earnest.

I love pistoning in and out of her when she's on top, feeling her struggle to stay in place as the passion overtakes her before she collapses onto my chest. Sometimes she'll lie there, almost limp and encourage me to fuck upwards into her until I cum but not last night. Instead she slid off and lay back on her back and said, "NOW it's your turn!" and as I slid into her she whispered in my ear, "give me one of those big loads like I saw from you the other night".

Needless to say by then I'd worked up quite the load for her. Feeling her literally very well-used pussy was awesome; I loved it and told her so. She cooed and said something like, "then give it to me" and sure enough, a few minutes later, damned if I didn't boil over in her eliciting a scream at first which then turned into her soft gentle moaning as my own motions slowly came to a halt.

She wrapped her legs and arms around me and held me deep in her as we kissed and finally pulled apart. It was only then we realized the time and we were both in need of dinner.

After that though, there was no further mention of anything cuck-ish; our ******** got a ride home about 10:30pm and our evening ended with just a comfortable night spent in front of the TV together and then falling asleep.


This morning she obviously ended my denial by spending most of the first hour or so when we woke up lying in bed naked next to me as we just watched (or rather clicked through) some TV shows. Again, there was no cuckold conversation at all.

It's Saturday afternoon now and I think I'm just going to let this play out however she wants to lead it for now....


It is a Monday morning and Suzanna has once again returned to donning panties at all times around me. We did have sex last night after which she made quite the production of what she's now calling ‘restricting me’; she doesn't like the term denial. She is refers to Monday through Friday my ‘restricted access’ period. After we'd cleaned up a bit she brought a pair of her panties to me and asked me to pull them up, something she asked me to do to make her feel like it is something I want, my access being restricted. However, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The past weekend and on that beautiful Saturday afternoon led to us having quite a bit of wine this was followed later by a rousing time in bed. It was a memorable time, not just from how much I made her cum or how loud she screamed, more from what we discussed afterwards.

After we'd fucked on Saturday night she opened up and said that she wants to go away again. I asked her, "with Ray?" and she responded with, "that's not what's important" and went on to explain that she wants to do it again, to have time away where, once again, she can let herself go sexually. She said that after ‘finally’ experiencing it again that she wants to know that she can do so again when she needs it.

I made some kind of joke about how much she ‘needs it’ and she kind of laughed along but then said she was serious. There was the obligatory discussion about this being something that she wants for herself and that she hoped it would also turn me on as I've said it so often it would do so much.

Well, that opened up a whole discussion about what she wants. She said she'd been hesitant to say anything but seeing how things have been good between us since she went away, that she feels that maybe it can be okay for us if she wants something like this again.

I asked her what she's thinking and she said that maybe 3 or 4 times a year that she'd like to get away and let herself go sexually. She held my hand and said in a serious voice, "I'm going to not want you to cum in me then."

She looked me in the eye and proceeded to say she was now sure that all this was such a turn-on for me and she just wanted to confirm that. I nodded my agreement even knowing it was crazy to be talking like this but, at the time and even now looking/thinking back, I'm okay with it.

Maybe the wine made it easier but it was never a difficult conversation. We'd just had awesome sex together and the conversation was turning me on again and she noticed it too laughing at me at how, "talk of me with another guy gets you going".

I asked her openly about Ray and she said, "he's such a nice guy". I told her that it seemed like he was able to give her what she wanted and that was when she gave an unenthusiastic "yeah" so I asked her what was up. She said the same thing as she's said to me in the past, that Ray just doesn't have a very high sex-drive. I probably shouldn't have but I asked her if that's why she's only looking at 3-4 times a year for this time-away.

Well, that led into a whole discussion on Ray and she came out and said that while he's, "great in bed", that (and she was hesitant to say it) he's just not really aggressive enough for her. I asked what she meant and she simply said, "he is always okay with whatever I want".

I sensed that she was holding back and I told her that it's okay, to tell me, I want to hear what she wants.

She said she didn't want this to hurt me but she would like a lover who is more demanding. At first I thought she was going to say some things that I wasn't necessarily ready to hear but what she said was, "I'd like it he'd want sex from me as much as I want it from him sometimes?”

We talked about how she had to really gear him up for what she wanted when they were away. It took her a while to open up but she eventually said that the times she saw him the week before they went away, that she had to tell him that she wanted him to really fuck her a lot not just the first day or two, but the whole time. She looked at me and said that was enough for him to try to live up to and then she said that she wished he wanted it more on his own.

I asked her if she was thinking of maybe finding another guy. She was quiet for a moment and then said, "I wish Ray were more." She didn't say more-what, just more. So I asked her again, "so, are you thinking of moving on?”

She smiled at me and said something about it being so nice that I am so understanding about all of this. I joked with her that I was the one who wanted this in the first place to which she replied that, "I wasn't sure how you'd be if I wanted it too."

I held her hand and said, "that's exactly what I wanted!” At that moment she hugged me and said I was wonderful.

She then proceeded to tell me that when I take her away, that I can almost always get her to this sexual-nirvana she's looking for but only when I take her away and we together shed all of our worries and responsibilities. She said that sex between us at home is great and that she loves it, but that unless I take her away, that it's really rare that she can feel what she now desires.

She said it's not a complaint at all (apparently I am the perfect husband for her?) She emphazied that she's not complaining or is unhappy or anything but as I am her husband that I can't really give her the type of experience she wants/needs.

I asked her about Thursdays with Ray and she said that they are great and that they do satisfy her in many ways but she was also honest and said that they also make her realize she wants more; that it seems when she just begins to let herself go with him that it's time to go home. She said that she knows she could stay with him longer (I'd said that she could spend a night every now and then if she wanted) but that knowing he's not totally into it takes away from what she gets. She even admitted that she's thinking her own behaviour is, and maybe has always been, an attempt to make him want her more. I didn't fully get what she was saying until she said that she thought it was something she's done since being with Peter, that she feels that is why she likes to be naked and openly available, to try to force that feeling on herself and her lover.

I'd kind of suspected some of this, that her being naked gives her the feeling she wants but I hadn't thought that she was doing it to encourage her lover. So I'm also wondering if maybe she didn't give Dan mixed signals which may have been what caused that to implode.

In the end she was really concerned that she wasn't hurting or offending me with what she was trying to say, that she wants a forceful more demanding lover than Ray. More, what she was saying was that she now saw this as something she wanted for herself and not being something that I had encouraged or turned her onto. She ended by saying that she hoped her satisfying her desires in that sense wasn't going to hurt me.


She said that when she goes away with Ray (I added ‘or whoever’ and she giggled) that she was going to ask me to not cum in her again before she left. She was concerned that I was going to be okay with that request but I told her that it'd turn me on to help her get herself horny. I also told her that it was okay that, for now, she felt the need to get this sexual desire fulfilled with Ray.

I asked her whether, at some point in the future, maybe when our ******** is out of the house, whether she thought our relationship could become more physical and whether that would help fulfil her needs. I hinted that I could be more aggressive if she needed it. Her response was that perhaps we can have the type of experience she's wanting for perhaps several weeks or months at a time after which she thought (and she was a little hesitant to say it) that she might want to be with another guy.

She said that ever since she's started with other guys that she has felt that she will probably always want to have a lover in addition to me. She emphasized that just as there are things that she and I will always and only have together that she now felt she had to have time with another guy. However, she said that she didn't think that would be changing anytime soon, "... even though now that you have me all turned on about it".

At one point I asked her what she'd do if she had a lover who was as she wanted, "more demanding" which led her to make a mention of Dan (the first time in months or more) when she said, "well, if I was with someone like Dan, then I guess I'd have to figure out what worked for all 3 of us".

I was hesitant to ask but I did it anyway and said, "what do you mean?"

She took a deep breath and said, "you know, he really didn't want you to have sex with me".

I said something like, "yeah, I remember, so what would you want to do differently now?”

She said, "well, now that I know it turns you on, I guess I might have tried to figure out a schedule or something that would work for both of you". I was going to reply when she added, "but let’s cross that bridge when we come to it" and she again laughed and said, "it's certain that Ray won't be asking for that!".

I replied, "yeah, I suppose that's right" but then added, "I thought Ray said he'd actually want you to come over after we've had sex. How come you never do that for him?”

She looked at me and said, "because I don't want to" and after a pause she added, "your restricted-access (which is when we/she started that term) gets me horny is for him ... if I was with you before seeing him, I don't think I'd be as horny".

We talked a bit more last night and our conversation got her horny enough that she rolled over and encouraged me to spoon up with her and she reached back and guided my cock into her pussy and said, "fuck me gently" and a second later she said, "this is how Ray had me when we were away". Well, she didn't need to encourage me anymore and a few moments later we both ground against each other until we both came.

As we lay there afterwards she said to me, "so, you'll be okay with it if I tell you one day that I want you to take a break from cumming in me?” She must have heard a groaning sound from me because she rolled towards me and said, "it'll be fun for a little while, I'll make sure you're okay but it'll really get me turned on when we do it".

I kissed her and said, "We can try it for a little while if you like but not for too long"

She kissed me passionately back and said, "Of course silly, I want this to be good for both of us".

It wasn't much after that when she came to me with the panties and asked me to pull them up. She asked me if it turned me on to do so and I told her that she already knew the answer to that.


The impression I’m getting from Suzanna is that she wants to let this go with Ray for a while longer. I think her admission of him not doing all that she wants/needs is telling and I am thinking that things are running their course to an eventual end but I don't see her being anxious to push things along.

I’m thinking she's still reluctant to accept her desires. I am actually more confident now than before we had our long talk that when she does move onto another guy that he will be more aggressive and dominant. I think she'd do more now in terms of denying me but with just Ray to fill in that void, she's not only unmotivated but she's also not seeing it as a win-win situation.

I have thought of pushing or encouraging her to want more for herself but at the same time, I want this to be her own desires emerging (well, maybe some guidance from me) and going where she wants them. For now, seeing her in panties every morning and knowing I will dutifully wait till she comes home either post-fuck with him on Thursday nights or if she wants me to wait till Friday for my turn between her legs.


I am sitting here looking out at the sudden fall-shower outside and contemplating what I've been writing over the past few days/weeks.

I suppose that I am perhaps not the typical cuckold in that I wanted all of this and I was the one who started Suzanna down this road, be it almost 15 years ago at my earliest admission of wanting her to be with another guy or whether it's the four and a half years ago when she went on that business trip and finally did it.

It is an odd feeling to think back and to now know that I've always wanted her to have a lover and to now be there it makes for a very odd and very erotic feeling. I know back when she first went with Peter, how apprehensive I was about everything. I still have apprehension which I think is a good thing but at the same time, I just love that she is finally doing what I'd always wanted.

Is it strange to enjoy knowing that she has a lover with whom she shares herself completely? I know it used to make me feel concerned at how intimate she let herself be with Peter and how hesitant and uncertain I felt with her and Dan. Now, to be accepting these desires of hers, even encouraging it, I don't think I have ever felt as alive sexually as I feel now with her, denial and restrictions included. It's a crazy feeling to have, especially at this age. It's like finding another whole person inside the woman you married and loving this new person as much as the former.

It will turn me on until I hit the grave that she now openly has sex with others and that she doesn't flinch a bit at letting me know it.


I think we do a lot of this sort of ‘what if’ stuff as part of our Wednesday night fun. I've long said my cock is a lie-detector because it seems to respond to her ideas and suggestions even before I can get a response out of my mouth. I know with us enjoying role-playing, it may be something we gravitate towards more if she becomes complacent about Ray and/or finding another lover.

She has said some interesting things lately such as admitting that she thinks she will ‘always want a lover’ who can give her things that I cannot. I don't think either of us means just giving her orgasms, at least for right now and I guess because home is home that she wants to find this additional sexual excitement from elsewhere.

While our ******** is still living at home I'm not actually sure that I can fulfil the dom-role without it causing comments from her! Even once our ******** has left for college it still wouldn’t work for I say that with a bit of sadness I also know that if I can't do it for her, that it's because in my head I know she loves me and that she may not be able to separate our love from the type of sexual experience she wants.

I can role-play as a dom/master type, we've long done it before, but it's usually only sustainable for a few days because, home is home.

I think about the denial stuff and it always goes back to what she's already said, that without someone to fill in the gap that is left when she denies me, she doesn't see that as a win-win situation for her. I suppose if it's the absence of me cumming in her that's behind her desires for Ray or others, then that could help it along. However, from what I sense from her, it's most definitely a merger thing (the same for me and her) it's the combination of denying me and her giving herself freely to her lover. So unless Ray turns over a new leaf, I don't see her denying herself; I also don't know that it would feel the same for me (or her).

Perhaps we should open up to each other about the depth-of-the-darkness that may be appealing to us; I think she explores a lot of this on Wednesday nights. She's asked and said many things during those times when I've been lost in my own pleasure and she knows either from my verbal and definitely from my physical response whether she's hitting the right nerve. I think I've perhaps always guided her that way.

There was no secret tonight. While she was dressing she came up to me in her bra and panties after I came out of the shower and she reached through the towel around my waist and gave my cock a few good strokes and said, "hope you're ready for later". She laughed a moment after she let go when the tip of my cock came poking out from between the towel wrapped around my waist.

Another thing there's no secret about for tonight; I do love jerking off for her!


I suppose in one way or another it is becoming routine, at least in terms of schedule and certainly as evidenced last night, there is still a lot of excitement in what we do together both on Wednesdays and also at other times. I do recognize that these may not fully satisfy Suzanna's ultimate desires but for the near future, I think it will be all we do.

She's already talking about the holidays, Thanksgiving and then Christmas, so in that sense, I seriously think that she's going to stick with Ray through to the New Year. After that, I suppose things could happen but I'd also venture to say that it may not be until next spring that the desires outweigh her and, dare I say, complacency pushes her to look elsewhere.

It seems that Wednesdays have become a time when we can both go into fantasy for a bit and explore things. It’s then when we seem to be relaxed and horny enough to talk openly and last night was no different. I'd been horny all day after seeing her in the morning and, as I've said, I so look forward to Wednesday nights.

Last night our conversation essentially started with her statement of, "when I go away again with Ray". She smiled as she said it and added she loved seeing me stroking my hard cock. I told her that while it hurt for her to go away the knowledge of what she was doing was very arousing. I told her once again how seeing her rings in her jewelry box seemed to really arouse me as being evidence that she is truly not mine.

She cooed at how horny it made her feel when she could truly be his and that was when she started to tell me again how not having sex with me made her even hornier. She teased me at how it seemed to turn her on when she'd see me masturbate knowing it made me horny to hear her say that it turned her on to see me cumming and she said it, "knowing your cum isn't going into me but Ray’s is".

She asked me to tell her how that made me feel. I struggled a bit to get the words out but I did tell her that while it always felt good to jerk-off, knowing I was having to do it because she preferred to let Ray have her pussy was something that turned me on a lot.

She resumed talking about going away with Ray again to ‘have some fun". I asked her when she thought that might be and she said that she'd like, if she can, to go between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She joked that it can be an early Christmas present for her and I laughed with her. She moved in closer to me and then said, "you're going to have to wait for me again you know?” I groaned back that I thought I could deal with it again and then she said, "will you be okay if it's for longer this time?”

I know she could see my physical reaction (even I could feel my cock get harder and my hand to unconsciously speed up) and I managed to say, "what are you thinking?”

She cooed in my ear how horny it made her to think that she was ‘giving her pussy to her lover’ like that. She said that because it'd be a shorter time away (I guess she reasoned she couldn't take 5 days again), that she wanted to be sure she was as ready for him as she could be. I groaned back again, "how long are you thinking?”

Her answer came in more of a moan and that's when I realized she had her hand buried in her panties. I looked down at her and she'd slid her panties down a bit and could see she was finger-fucking herself. She started to answer and got as far as saying, "I know you were okay with two and even three weeks..." when she looked over at me and saw me watching her. She playfully pushed at me and said, "You are not supposed to be seeing all of that" and with her free hand she pulled the blanket up to her stomach. She turned to me and said, "You’ll just have to imagine now" and with that she started to move about under the covers. A second later she pulled out her panties and lay them on the top of the blanket and she said, "now, that's better." I watched her raise her knees under the blanket and then spread them and her hand started to move again. A second later she continued in a much sexier tone of voice, "you were okay for 2 and even 3 weeks back when I was seeing Dan". A pause, she continued and said, "I thought we'd try that again;. do you think you and your right hand can survive for 2 weeks this time?"

I knew she was frigging herself pretty ferociously (I could hear the slippery sounds from under the blanket and see her hand moving) and at the same time I knew my cock was nearing the bursting point and that she was watching. I moaned back, "oh god, that'll be so intense for me".

For the next few minutes she went on and on about how she wants to do the same as last time, that she wants to see Ray like every other day, if she can, before they go away together again. She moaned and asked me to tell her about what I think of that.

I told her that knowing she'll have her pussy full of his cum for so long will drive me crazy with desire. She replied by saying, "it makes me feel so sexy to think about it" and she proceeded to say how horny it makes her to think of her as ‘his’ for that time. I told her that knowing she'll be coming home to me with his stuff in her will be intense and she kissed me and added, "I'll be restricting you too. I'm going to keep my panties on that whole time too".

We were both near the edge and when she started to tell me how messy she'll be and in my head I imagined her wet panties sticking to her just-fucked pussy. Well, that did it, I groaned and she knew what was happening and as I felt the first spurt of release for me I heard and felt her own orgasm begin next to me. With each spurt I heard her groan again and again.

A few minutes later when we'd both calmed down she began to get up and moved to sit next to me. She said several times how ‘nice that was’ and how she ‘loves to share that moment’ with me. She was just about to get up into a sitting position when she said, "whoops, you're not ready for this yet" when she remembered her nakedness. She pulled up her panties under the covers, teased me and said, "that's just for 'my lover' till Friday". When they were back in place she sat up Indian-style next to me and giggled at ‘how much cum there was’ all over me. She smiled and said, "I love knowing how turned on you were to cum like that" and then she looked at me and said, "and it turns me on to see that all of it that didn't go in me".

As she started to push my cum together to scoop it up she started to talk to me and said, "it's weird to think of how much you've cum in me over the years." She proceeded to tell me how horny it makes her feel to think that I've probably squirted quarts or maybe even gallons of cum into her over almost 30 years together. It was a good thing I'd just cum or her talk would be making me rock hard again. Even so I could feel the desire building so soon after just from what she was saying. As she put the first few fingerfuls into my mouth she said again how it made her horny to think that ‘this’ (meaning my cum) isn't in her, then she added, "but Ray’s will be".

In between each fingerful I told her how it turned me on to think of her pussy getting ‘used to’ Ray’s cum and she admitted to me that it turned her on to think that could be a part of why she felt the way she finally did when she went away with him.


It’s clear to me that Ray simply isn't up to giving Suzanna what she seems to be wanting. While I would rather not think this way, I do know inside that she does want this type of satisfaction (only way I can think to describe what she feels) more frequently but Ray just isn't up to it, he doesn't want her more than their once or twice a week. My suspicion is that much of Suzanna's satisfaction that she achieved with him was more self-induced by her than brought by him. I can see in the future that she may want a more demanding and more physical lover. I know that at times when she was with Dan, that she saw him more often and that, thinking and re-reading, that perhaps she did achieve some of this with him but wasn't able to accept it yet?

It does turn me on that people assume they're ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ To me, it just reinforces the knowledge that she is his for that time. I think Ray is like me, both of us can turn it on for a while and be the dominant partner that Suzanna wants but it's not the way either of us really are and as things have gone, I can see that at some point in the future, Suzanna is going to want to have that experience (again). I'm sure if Ray were to initiate it as an Xmas present to her, I'm sure she'd be willing to accept his gift!

I say all of this because as we lay there afterwards she said to me in a very calm voice, "do you ever think about it?"

She caught me off guard and I said, "think about what?”

She answered so calmly, "you know, not cumming in me?”

It was one of those moments when we open up to each other. I asked her, “Do you mean, is it the sex with me, or is it the cum?” maybe not quite those exact words. She was close to me and lay next to me with her breasts up against my arm and she said in this really sexy sincere voice, "most of the time I think it's just your cum but sometimes I think about what it'd be like to not feel you too". I didn't even realize I was holding her hand until I squeezed it tighter as she said, "tell me what you think about".

Now if I hadn't just cum, I know my cock would have shot up like a rocket but instead, oh god, hearing her say that, damned if it didn't start to throb and grow surprising even me. I looked up at the ceiling and said to her that it turned me on to think about it too and then I looked at her and said that I was, "scared to think this way" and I told her that while it turned me on to think about, that I was scared at it becoming a reality and not being something I could live with.

She leaned towards me and pulled my chin to face her and she said, "Baby, you don't have to be scared .... I don't want to give it up permanently ... " then she continued, "... but wow, it really turns me on to think about doing it for a little while".

In that moment it just seemed right for me to say, "me too ... I'd be okay doing it for a while".

She just held my hand for a moment; I think she knew how I felt to say that in a clear unambiguous way. It was actually me that broke the silence when I said, "what does Ray think about all of this?" and she answered something like, "he's okay with it, I will just have to build him up before we go away again" and then she looked at me and said, "so, can I talk to him about maybe a little time away in December?"

Oh my god, the look on her face as she asked me that; this deep sexy look in her eyes; her slightly pouty mouth as she asked me; her hair tousled back and out of place from her recent passion, she sounded so sweet, almost like a little kid asking for a piece of candy, “can I?”

I realized that she must have already had this idea in her head giving her suggested timing of all of this so I came out and said, "seems like you already have this planned out, have you? Tell me....” and she proceeded to calmly explain that she'd looked at the calendar and thought that maybe she could get away the weekend of December 8th. She was so matter-of-fact about it and I swear my cock got hard as she said "maybe I could come back on that Tuesday?”

I kind of nodded my head and started say, "I guess so...." when she rolled over towards me and pressed her breasts into my arm and chest and she kissed me deeply and said, "thank you - I don't know what more to say". I hugged her and told her that, "as long as you come back to me here that it'll be okay".

It wasn't until she reached over and started to stroke me to coax me into my second orgasm that she said to me, "so we can try for a longer time before I go away?”

It took me a second to take in what she meant but as the realization began to sink in, oh man, did my cock start to throb.

I've always said that her denying me was a turn-on. Hearing her say that’s what she wanted and to know that she would be giving herself to her lover I will add that, mentally, it is an added crazy feeling to be turned on by the thought of not cumming in her.


In our build-up to my second time last night she asked me how I felt about not just not cumming in her but maybe also not fucking too. I asked her whether she wouldn't miss both and she quickly replied, "It’s just us talking ..." and then added "... but I'd think there would be someone who'd 'fill in for you'" and she elbowed me as I stroked away. "I mean on one hand you could still fuck me and maybe just pull out at the end". She paused for a second and then said, "or I guess maybe you could use a condom if you didn't want to pull out".

My hand must have been moving a mile a minute while she seemed to take forever to say the next part which was, "or would it be better for you to not get to be in me for a while?” I went quiet thinking she was going to say a lot more but all she said was, "what do you think?”

I groaned at her and managed to say something that even now sounds pretty good, I simply told her that, "I'll miss making you cum".

She smiled at me and said, "mmmm - I'd miss that too". She told me how hard my cock looked and then teased me and said, "maybe that's what we could try" and then a moment later she said, "mmm, that big hard cock and only your hand for relief". She moved next to me and whispered in my ear, "I guess I'd really be his then, wouldn't I?"

she gave me this sexy groan and that’s all it took; I'm usually not that quick the second time but, wow, she'd pushed all of my buttons, gotten me to open up and, wow, I came that second time and it was like an explosion.


She told me she’d be a little later home from work but I figure now it's time for me to go get the barbeque fired up and get some dinner going. After the third time last night my cock is barely throbbing right now so I'm quite content to leave her to Ray right now. Seeing as its like 5:15pm, I am quite sure she's with him now.

Suzanna continues to tell me that she has not told Ray about what we do together other than that at times, I want to wait for her to be with him first. I believe that he thinks she and I have sex on Thursday nights. I do not think she's shared our Wednesday ritual with him.


Thursday evening I had no sooner got up to go tend to the barbeque that Suzanna texted me and said that she'd gotten out later than expected from work and was letting me know she'd be even later getting home. She also suggested we go out for dinner, maybe pizza/Italian.

I looked at the clock and I let my mind wander to what might be going on there; I thought that they'd probably finished round-1 and surely she was lying there naked next to him and as she sent that to me, perhaps he was waiting to then start on round-2 with her.

I let a bit of time go by before replying, I texted back a suggestion on a place and told her to text me back what time; actually what I sent was, "tell me when you're ready".

She sent back a brief "k" in response and I then sat there and waited at least another 45 minute till finally, about 6:30pm she texted me and said, "meet you at 7pm".

I know we've met for dinner before after she's been with Ray but it seemed to get to me so much more as we sat there waiting for our pizza talking idly and in the back of my mind all I could think of was that she'd fucked him twice and probably his cum was seeping out of her as we sat there. She even went off to the bathroom at one point and came back and said, "that’s better" as she sat down. She didn't need to say anything more.

Crazy as it sounds, we didn't talk about her, Ray or sex the entire dinner. She told me later she had deliberately ignored those topics knowing it drove me crazy to sit there like that with only my imagination to fill in the blanks.

She said she'd put in a panty-liner before she'd left Ray’s and admitted that her trips to the bathroom and the other 'adjustments' she made as she sat there (squirming around or whatever) were done for my entertainment more than her needs

Grief, she really knows how to push my buttons. I wonder what else she might have in mind?


New book time.