Journal of a Journey - Book Forty Three

It’s been an interesting weekend for sure and right now I'm having some misgivings and ill-feelings thinking about things in the light of day.

I guess what I should start with is how Suzanna's been acting and feeling since the weekend. Maybe I'm not totally ready for the level of openness with which she now seems to be comfortable but I'm trying not to show it and to be as supportive of her as I can.

I'm still trying to get my head around her announcement that she wants to start out going bareback with him (assuming he's healthy). What I guess I may have understated is some of our previous conversations where she was excited but not overly thrilled by having to use condoms with Robert. From the earlier times when we spoke about the condoms she carries in her purse, I knew she wasn't looking forward to using them.

She emphasized that Robert has asked her several times how I'm going to feel about them becoming sexually active together. She says that he's been particular to tell her that she needs to make sure I shall be feeling good about everything if they start having sex.

I asked her exactly what she's told him even though I knew she was going to put her spin on her answer and it was kind of weird to hear her tell me that she's told him that we have sex maybe twice a month.

She said she felt like she had to play it up a bit more that she would like to have more sex and told him that at times she ‘isn't totally satisfied by my performance’. She joked that this part was a bit of a stretch but then also reminded me that while our sex together is really great when we have the house to ourselves and she can feel like she can let go, she also reminded me that at times she is somewhat frustrated by not being able to really let loose with me, so she felt this part of her response to him wasn't a total lie.

What we really spent time talking about over the weekend was how I felt about everything in general. She specifically asked me whether I was going to be able to accept it if she really started to feel emotionally for Robert, basically asking me how I felt about the whole ‘full affair’ thing. That led to a lot of open discussion and, as I said, I wasn't totally ready for her openness.

She made it no secret that if I will be okay with it, she would like to let herself go with him and not hold back. She emphasized that this really isn't going to be able to sustain itself for a long time given he's said many times that he definitely wants to have kids of his own. While they haven't really talked themselves about what may happen, she says that he wants time to ‘decompress’ from his marriage before he ‘gets serious’ with someone again.

She left no doubt that she’s very curious about him; very attracted to him and that, "I definitely want to fuck him".

She continued to tell me that she hoped she would find herself feeling the same as she had with her past lovers, to feel as comfortable and as intimate with him and to not have to hold herself back in any way. However, she also added that this time she wants to let herself feel an emotional attraction to him. I felt this stabbing inside me but absolutely remained calm on the outside even when she admitted to maybe wanting to feel ‘in love’ with him.

I should be getting more used to this but it is still such a shock to hear her speak like that and so openly. She teased me a bit but then asked me in more seriousness what I was thinking. I told her that now that it was a lot to take in all of a sudden and I immediately told her that I didn't want to take a chance anything happening to ‘us’.

She moved next to me and held my hand and she said again what she'd said so many times before, that she would promise to tell me everything that I wanted to hear or know about. Then all of a sudden, she looked at me and asked, "are you okay that you've never met him before; is that maybe part of it?"

I didn't really know how to answer because it's not really part of it. As I thought about it she kept talking and said that she thought that my not knowing Robert might make it easier for her to share things with me.

I finally told her that it wasn't that I didn't know him, I even told her that it made me even more aroused by not knowing him, but it was how I would deal with it.

We were both just talking openly and honestly and then she asked me, "is it because he's bigger than you?" She giggled and immediately said, "you and I are husband and wife and nothing can or will ever change it" adding that just because she allows herself to let Robert into her heart a bit won't change that.

She then recalled that conversation long ago with Phyllis about an affair and how she said that she should let go and let it happen. She looked at me and said that she thought it would help us too.

She said stuff that made me see it a bit from her side, that she wants to experience something new and ‘breathtaking’ not to be taking anything away from me but ‘to be adding to us’.

She said that she's felt so alive and refreshed since she's allowed herself to go this far and she looked at me and asked how I thought we were doing.

I had to agree with her. These last few months since really ending things with Ray has been amazing between us. Even our kids joke and tease us that we are like teenagers at times. She said that letting herself go with Robert would let her come to know herself even more and she said again how she would share everything with me. She looked at me and said, "If you want, I'll share my emotions with you too, would you want to know?"

There have been many moments in the past where I've dreaded this though, dreaded this idea that she would perhaps fall in love with another guy but at that moment yesterday when we talked about this, it's clearly a defining moment that says I am and I want to be a cuckold.

I actually told her that I thought it might be better if I did know and I asked her if she remembered what she'd also said to me.

She knew immediately what I was referring to and she held my hand and promised me that if I ever had any concerns or misgivings that I brought to her, that she would hear me out and put the brakes on if it mattered.

When she said that and I think I might have even had a bit of a tear in my eye, there was a look on her face as I said, "then yes, I'd want to know" that suddenly made me feel as if it was something she'd maybe have wanted to have seen; that she'd almost read my mind in terms of how I felt. She hugged me and said she loved me and that she'd ‘share everything’.

I kissed her and said that it turned me on that she wants this for herself and that I would try to be there for her, I felt her tighten her grip on my hand and she said, “I will always be there for you”.

It almost seem to be anti-climactic. She was horny both days over the weekend and between the thoughts and such that were revealed in our conversations as well as what was in my head, damn if we didn't have some pretty awesome sex (I even had some scratch marks on my back!) There were tell-tale wet-spots all over our bed and after our final almost simultaneous orgasm last night, we both collapsed in exhaustion. I was surprised at my energy level and performance (although not surprised of hers from how she's been lately) but knew that was all I had.

Of course her teasing certainly helped to spur me on. She asked me how I thought she was going to feel after being with him and she ‘made’ me give the right answers and it was quite the turn on to tell her out loud how stretched and wet she's going to feel.

She teased me about him being longer than me and that was an intense thing to hear knowing it to be true. It was quite an erotic thought to wonder just how much further he'll be able to go into her. Of course she does have a dildo that's bigger than me and I know she has no problem with it but at that moment to think of his big cock was just so intense to think about.

Fortunately the awesome 'bout on Friday night and again Saturday night kept me from cumming too quickly despite her ratcheted up intensity. It was when she started to tell me how she wanted, "it to be just right the first time he cums in me" well, that was it, I don't even think I knew what happened, it was like a subconscious thing and as soon as I heard that, I plunged into her and just exploded. She followed almost immediately and all I can remember for the next few minutes is us clutching each other and rocking back and forth, each movement of my cock inside her seemed electric! Her pussy would relax and then spasm tightly as each wave of her orgasm swept over her with the last few bringing a flood of juices with them.

I confess, at that moment, even at that very moment of just having cum deep in her, the thought of, "I hope Robert enjoys this when it's his turn" went through my head!

We lay there next to each other breathing deeply and her hand was still holding mine when I rolled up onto my side, looked at her and she looked beautiful.

I can't properly describe how she looks after she's cum but there is just this softness to her, this glow about her, the smells and how beautiful her breasts look as she breathes in deeply. At times I think I'm crazy for sharing this with another guy but then I look at her still hard nipples and, further down,- that her legs are apart and her hips are spread knowing she's just been fucked, well, I want that moment for her as she wants it. If it's with another guy, that’s okay with me.

Although I was caught up in the intensity of the moment at the same time, I confess to wanting it; wanting to know; wanting to feel it.

I ran my hand over her body and she trembled a little as I approached her still spread legs and she moaned out loud when I toyed with her nipples. I moved up onto my elbow a bit to see better as I ran my fingers down her thighs and then I gently traced around her pussy-mound. It was still swollen a bit and a darker pink than its norm. Her pussy-lips were still swollen and spread at the bottom and my finger easily snaked into her vagina. It felt so warm and as I pulled back, a big dribble followed and she breathed in as she felt it drip down towards the bed.

I will say that having any second thoughts must be far from my mind for as I think of what is going to happen I cannot deny how hard my cock is yet again.

I kissed her and said in a gentle voice, "do you just want to be with him?".

I thought at first that she didn't hear or that what I said didn't necessarily register but a moment later she turned to me with her eyes now wide open and she said in an equally gentle, almost uncertain voice, "do you mean that?”

She then sort of cleared her throat and asked me, "Are you sure? I wasn't going to ask you ..... at least not yet.

For the next few minutes we talked. She held my hand even more tightly and looked up at me and said that she wanted to wait to be sure and then said that if she did fall for him, that she would want to be exclusively his. She immediately added, "... we talked about this a long time ago.... it wouldn't be forever...." She went quiet as if she was searching for the right words until she looked at me with eyes that were now huge and said, "do you mean starting now?!"

I held her and said, I’m not sure that I wanted this to have been the last time we had sex for a long time but ....” and I hesitated, “.... if it was something you wanted after Friday, that we could talk about it.”

The look on her face as I said that was one I guess of appreciation. (Maybe, that's not a strong enough word to describe how she looked at that moment). She kissed me and as she did, she reached down and grabbed my cock and said in this semi-teasing voice that, “I’ll make sure he's always taken care of".

I half-way expected the panties to re-appear this morning but they did not.

I suppose in a way I've wanted this for her for a long time knowing she wants this for herself. Robert isn't pushing her for anything; what she's saying/doing/wanting to me it is just so intense to know she wants it for herself.

I know there's a lot at risk here but sharing this kind of excitement with her, it has almost become an addiction.

There is no denying it, Yes, I am a cuckold.


Maybe this is the ultimate goal of being a cuckold, to have her get her sexual pleasure from another guy. It's weird to think that after almost 30 years together that I would want to experience this but at the same time, after so long, is it so crazy to want to experience something so different?

I do get a profound sense of satisfaction, different from having a deep orgasm in her pussy but perhaps equally or maybe even more satisfying, from knowing she is experiencing this because she wants to.

It scares the heck out of me what I may have put into motion. When I focus on the short-term, I know that (assuming it happens on Friday) the idea that Suzanna may tell me it may be the last time we have sex for a while, I just cannot put into words the kind of arousal I feel when I think that she might say that to me and what it might mean.

Yet after the last few weeks, indeed the last few months, I am ready to try it out. The way we are together lately, I feel very confident and it almost feels like it is supposed to happen. We've never believed in forcing situations to happen, we've both felt that when circumstances are as they are that opportunities are meant to be explored.

I wouldn't have said I was ready for this last year at this time (I'm not fully sure I'm ready for it now) but the situation is upon us and I feel confident enough to say yes at this time. I am sure there are going to be many times when I will be sorry about this but at the same time if it is important enough to Suzanna, then hopefully she'll keep to what she's said and will keep me from going berserk.

Clearly our Wednesday routine, which I have missed, will resume,. They were times when I felt very connected with her and felt that I had her full attention and desire for my pleasure in whatever form.

Jumbled thoughts but it feels right in my head.


I like the comments he has made about me already and his desire to see that I am ‘satisfied’. He's expressed to Suzanna a desire to keep the balance good in what's going on and to keep her and my relationship happy.

This is also a big part of what is turning me on by all of this, knowing it's her that is desiring all of this right now.

She'll be home soon.


She has not brought up my offer of her exclusivity with Robert. She has confirmed that they are going out alone on Friday night and when I asked if that included going back to his place, she smiled and said that she hoped so. I do know she wants her desire to build for him for Friday so I figure that for tonight, tomorrow and Thursday that she'll most definitely not be open to having sex with me.

When I think about my offer to her it may be that I have jumped the gun but at the same time she seems so fixated on seeing this develop with him I think I have seized on those thoughts and emotions. I'm fairly confident that we'll have at least one more horny weekend coming up as I know she'll want to share the newness of it all with me including the looseness that is bound to happen over time. I'm hoping we can find a schedule agreeable to all of us.

A part of me is viewing this offer of mine to be something that encourages their relationship to unrestrained. Maybe I'm being naive but I think that in the future if she's at all still feeding into my desires, that perhaps she'll want to have sex with me from time to time, her way of sharing the experience with me. In looking at her ‘story so far’ with Robert she's built into it the opportunities to still have time with me and not detract from them. At least that's the way I'm thinking whenever I am having second-thoughts or feeling down about it.

I do want to experience being with her as husband and wife, sharing everything as we've always done, except one thing. I want to in a way experience it through her desires; who she has sex with and how she enjoys it; to hear her say she would want this is evidence of her desire to truly only be with him. It's crazy but knowing it turns her on that much to want to do it becomes a turn-on for me too.

She does seem to be very open to telling me most everything too; it is almost unnerving at times in that it still takes me by surprise.

She tells me that they walked for a bit around the parking-roads around her work today at lunch in the beautiful weather.

She told me how easy their conversation is and how happy it makes her feel when he hangs on every word she says and vice-versa.

She said they keep it totally platonic on the grounds at work but at the same time she says that she would love to find a private spot to kiss him. It is just so hot to know she has these desires going on.

There's a million more thoughts that I can't even think of right now but I’m going to close this now as she's due home any minute now from picking up our ********.


She’s banished me to the office tonight because I suggested I was feeling horny. I was thinking maybe she'd meet me half-way but instead she told me, “Go have some fun with the computer and come back when you’re done!”


There's been no return to panties. There have been no qualms about showing it all to me under her long t-shirt as she climbed into bed.

I do feel good about what I offered her and I do mean it. The thought that she'd want to suspend sex with me because she's horny for Robert is so weird but that thought turns me on to no end.

I guess I've wanted this all along but it's just going to take a little while to get used to this new dynamic of her finding someone that she would like to fall for.

I guess now I'm just going to have to wait and see.


Another day closer to their meeting on Friday and despite the dreary weather this afternoon, she's still floating around the house on Cloud 9. She even apologized for banishing me last night and said that from now on, if I was horny, that she'd try to ‘help me out’ instead of leaving me to my own methods.

Again this morning, no sign of panties, she had no issues about walking around the bedroom with just the towel wrapped around her hair. Not that she did it explicitly, more that it was just the good-ol'-normal, she let her robe slip off while she stood in front of her dresser picking out her undies. I suspect part of it is a bit of a show and a tease for me as she can clearly see me looking and staring in the mirror but, again, nothing really out of the ordinary.

Also there’s been no mention of anything else about looking forward to Friday. I suspect tomorrow night will be when we'll have and find time to talk about that.

Suzanna is not totally depriving me. Given what she's told me, I would not be surprised if Robert actually suggested that she ‘accommodates’ me from time to time. I've mentioned the concerns he's expressed towards making sure she and I are good.

Actually, in thinking it through more clearly, that's given me the courage to let her go if she wants to be with him. I'd also say that we have several trips planned for the summer including a get-away for us around July 4th and again in August so I do know that she and I will certainly be intimate then if not before then.


I wasn't suggesting my waiting till July just saying that's the far-end of what I see as even within being possible but last night was a bit more revealing into what the future may bring.

I had no expectations of anything last night so I was surprised when we were in bed about 10:45pm and she lowered the volume on the TV and rolled over towards me and cooed in my ear that she thought I ‘could use some help’. It took me a moment to remember that yesterday was Wednesday and to realize she was suggesting we restart what was our norm.

She reached into my boxers and pulled out my quickly stiffening cock. I raised my butt and she slid the boxers down. It just felt so normal for me to take over stroking my cock as she kissed at my neck and shoulders and started to talk to me.

My cock was hard already and she asked me if it turned me on to think about Friday night. She wanted to hear me say it and I wanted her to know so I told her so. She was really into it and coaxed me into telling her more as she continued to tease me.

I told her that it turned me on that yet another guy was going to have sex with her and that it really turned me on that they might not use condoms.

She was really into it (I thought she might even be fingering herself but she wasn't although she was grinding her legs together) and she told me how she hoped the night was going to go or more specifically how she hoped the night would end.

In the heat of the moment I told her that it turned me on that she could tell me that so easily that she wants to have sex with Robert.

She cooed in my ear that she knows it turns me on that she sleeps around now. It was when she said to me that, "I hope he cums a lot!" that I really started to get close to spurting.

It was when she whispered in my ear, “I miss feeling another guy make me cum" that I did erupt.

It'd been a while since we'd shared this fun together and I definitely heard her moan when she saw me cum. Even having had my own fun on Tuesday night just doing it for her and all of what we'd talked about, etc., I must have had 5 or 6 good sized spurts before squeezing out the last few dribbles. As I caught my breath she whispered, "do you still want it?” her way of asking if I still wanted her ‘help’ cleaning me up. I gave her my answer when I licked off the big dribble on my right hand.

She crawled up to her knees next to me and began running her fingers through the cum on my stomach and pushing it together into a big puddle. She didn't think I saw but she had one hand between her legs as I licked off her fingers. I know it's a bit weird, but it is a very close moment for us and when I licked the last of it off her fingers we fell into a kiss and I know she moaned when she felt and tasted my cum on my tongue and lips.

We lay there for maybe 15-20 minutes and then she rolled onto her side and told me how lucky she is to have me and for me to ‘allow’ her to have her time with Robert. I told her what I'd said all along, that I enjoyed her having fun as long as she remembered about ‘us’. She hugged me and said that she always would and again promised that she'd make sure I was okay with everything.

The longer we talked, the more my cock started to stiffen up and she saw it too. She turned herself around in bed so that her feet were up at the top of the bed and as we started to get into mood (or at least me) for a second-round. She spread her legs and pointing to her pussy said plainly, "Robert's going to be the next one in here"

I groaned back, "I know" and with that I almost unconsciously started to stroke my cock again.

That was when for the first time she brought up what I'd offered. As I stroked she spread her legs even further and her pussy lips separated. She said, "I've been thinking about what you said the other day .... You know, about it just being Robert who I have sex with". I groaned back a concerned "yeah".

She said that she loved hearing me say that to her, that it let her know how much I loved her. I groaned back that I wasn't totally sure of it and she said that it's not something she's going to be deciding that soon and that she's not sure how she's going to feel but that after tomorrow she might have a better idea.

I thought I was off the hook until she said, "but I am going to want to just be with him for a while .... You know ..... I want to see how it makes me feel". She leaned up and looked at me and said, "I know it may be hard for you to hear, but I do want to let this happen". She paused for a moment and said, "I am going to let myself go with him".

All I could tell her in reply was, "I know; it'll be okay".

By now I was getting into it, stroking my cock more and more firmly and she knew it was turning me on. She moved on the bed again and gave me a better look at her pussy and teased me, "you'd better have me this weekend" and she now openly snaked a finger in and out of her pussy and then added in this giggling teasing voice, "... while I still will let you".

I groaned in reply to that and asked, "is that something you are thinking more about?”

I thought that hearing her tell me what she's thinking might tone down my arousal, but instead it reinforced what's in my head; it didn't turn me off, if anything, it turned me on more.

She told me how wonderful she felt when she'd gone away with Ray and how she felt ‘being exclusive’ with him beforehand had really increased how connected she felt with him. She looked me straight in the face and said, "I want to feel that with Robert".

She continued to say that she feels confident about her and, "I want to see how it feels". She mentioned more about what Phyllis had shared with her, that she'd thought was unthinkable back then. She said that Phyllis had said that a full-blown affair had made her feel so much more self-confident and so much more satisfied.

I was stroking away when she said that hearing me say that to her the other day had made her realize that maybe it really could work. She said that hearing me say that made her understand that I could accept this (just as Phyllis had said her husband did) and that maybe it could be good for us.

She said that the times she'd done this before with Ray and others had made her realize how energized she could be about all of this. She held my free-hand tightly when she said, "feeling confident about you (meaning me) is what I need to let it happen" adding that even just this week had given her an unexpected thrill especially when walking around naked in front of me, and her knowing that she wasn't going to have sex with me. She looked at me and said, "how are you going to feel about that when you haven't had sex with me in a while?”

If I wasn't hard already, I was now. I looked at her and said, "oh, is that something that is going to happen?”

She held my hand and paused for a second and then said, "yes. If you were serious, then, yes, at some point I'm going to want that." She looked at me and said, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but if I get emotional with him, then I am going to want to try it for a while".

I almost didn't ask but at the same time, I couldn't not ask, "what does 'a while' mean?".

She looked at me and said some of what she's said at other times that, "after 30 years, a break won't be so bad ...". That wasn't so bad to hear but she continued, “... and if I feel strongly for him, then I'm going to want to".

I think she was close to a tear in her eye when she said that. I moved up on my elbows and leaned against her and said something like, "baby, you have an opportunity here to let yourself feel things that you may never have a chance to again." I paused for a second and said, "if it's something you feel strongly about, then I'll be okay".

She leaned forward and hugged me and said that she never thought she'd be saying this as she loved me, but she turned her head away as she said, "I think I'm going to want to try it at some point ... it won't be forever, but I think I'm going to want to know how it feels".

I think she had doubts I was going to be okay with it. It was my turn to pull her close and say that as long as it wasn't forever, that I'm sure that, “ I'll,” and then changed it to "we'll be okay”. I looked at her and said, "I'm not sure what you're thinking but hopefully it's not more than a few weeks or maybe a month or so.”

She pulled me close and said, "I don't know but I'm sure we'll work something out".

She still sounded so hesitant and tentative so I added, "you said you'd help me out - right?" and I pointed out that nights like this when we talk openly and she helps me sexually were fulfilling for me. She kissed me and said, "of course .... but I know how you need sex with me too".

I held her and said, "maybe you can give me a blow-job every now and then?" and then I went for broke and said, "there's always the back-door!" which resulted in a giggle and playful slap from her at which point she said, "well, Robert has said that I should make sure you happy" and she continued to say that she hoped that would be okay.

I held her and reminded her one last time that all of this did turn me on. She giggled at seeing my cock still stiff and as I lay back she watched me start to stroke it. She was still sitting there with her pussy sort of spread facing me. I looked at her and said, “I know I'm going to miss making love to you at times but I also know that we'll share doing other things like you said that will help.”

I guess hearing me sounding calm and supportive helped to calm her a bit more and she asked me to tell her more. I lay back and she guided my hand back to my cock and said, "I love you for letting me do this".

As I stroked my cock I told her that despite my misgivings (not my exact words) that I wanted to go forward with this and ‘see how it feels’. She looked at me and said, "tell me more...".

It took me a moment to get my focus but I started to tell her that I wanted to see her being so sexually active that it consumed her and that I wanted to see and experience that with her. My cock was now fully erect and I just let it go. I told her that I'd ‘enjoyed myself’ many times thinking about what may happen. She looked at me with a questioning look and I hesitated at first but then told her that I'd cum many times thinking about how it will feel when she tells me that this is the last time we'll have sex for a while. I don't think she expected my honesty or to exactly hear that and she stared for a moment until I continued to say that I know if and when she may say that to me that just the thought that I might not get to fuck her for a while will be an incredible turn-on.

She glanced at my rock-hard cock and smiled knowing I was telling her the truth. She leaned down to be near me and said, "I'll bet you'll cum a lot won't you?".

I groaned and told her that the thought of not getting to feel her and knowing that Robert will be taking my place was something that was incredibly intense for me.

She was getting into it and moaned back, "will it turn you on seeing me naked and knowing you won't be having me?".

I knew I was getting close and I managed to moan back a ‘...yes...’ She groaned back that she's loving how she's felt so far this week doing exactly that, letting me see her and her knowing she won't have sex with me. She asked me, "is that better than if I wear panties all the time?"

I managed to groan back, "oh yes...." and she asked me to tell her more. I only got as far as saying that I'd thought about how that will feel; how she'll be when she says it to me and how I'll feel hearing it. When I got to telling her that I think about missing how she'll feel, between what I was saying out loud and all of the things in my head, that was it, I let go of another load as my hand was a blur.

She squealed when I came again and leaned down and kissed me and said, "I love knowing it turns you on" and a second later said, "I love you; I know it'll be okay". A moment later she said, "now, let’s get you cleaned up!"


I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was apprehensive or even a bit scared about it all and yet, I just cannot get the idea out of my head that for a while, she will only have sex with him. It sounds crazy but I do want to see her each morning and I do want to know that she doesn't want to have sex with me and that, for however long, only Robert will get to know her pleasure. I thought it turned me on before when she'd wear panties to deprive me - but now, I can't get the idea out of my head to see her but know I cannot have her!

I know I may be sorry some day that I let and even encouraged all of this, but for now, I don't think I want to change a thing - and even this morning seeing her - my mind seems to be fixated on Robert having her next.

My brain just won't stop going in every direction at once. I'm on an up mood right now, I didn't post earlier when I'd gotten a bit sullen when I let other thoughts consume me. While I want it to happen, I cringe at the thought of their emotional involvement - and yet, I do so want to see her being as sexually desired and fulfilled as she can be.


I knew there was one thing that she has also said, more than once now. She's said something to the effect of ‘when this is all over with that maybe it'll then be time for you to enjoy a lover!’

I never thought I'd hear her say that. It's not necessarily something I'm looking for but she's said that she shouldn't necessarily be the only one to enjoy the fun of ‘someone new’ and that one day it'll be my turn.

I thought that was interesting to hear. I didn't respond to it either time because it was mixed into the larger conversation. I said something like ‘maybe’ in response (like I said it's not something I'm really wanting right now; maybe in the future if the roles reverse and she wants to set it up..... Just sayin'.) To me, hearing her say that implied and reinforced my thoughts that this is a flash-in-the-pan type of thing with Robert and that she doesn't have great expectations of it being a long-term thing.

In that sense, it relaxes me in terms of giving up fucking her for a while, inasmuch that she too sees an end-point.

Suzanna's due home pretty soon.


She's already in bed and most likely asleep and I am totally wired and just cannot get my brain to calm down just yet. Pins and needles is an understatement.

I know she deliberately played up showing me her pussy several times this evening. She doesn't always change her panties after work but did so today when we were talking when she got home from work. Normally she just changes out of her work clothes but this time she took everything off. Again, as she was getting changed for bed, her night-shirt seemed to always be hiked up and when she got into bed she slid down so that the night shirt slid up as she sat there talking to me.

I climbed into bed and I soooo wanted to reach over and touch her and more. She kissed me and said, "tomorrow night, when I come home, I promise you'll have your time". She nodded off as we watched the end of some TV show. I sat there wide eyed knowing and thinking it funny that neither of us will be able to remember what show it was .... but for different reasons!

I’ve looked back at some of my earlier diary entries and I see that I had all of these same hesitations and anxieties when she first started with Peter and again with Dan. Reading that calmed me for I was reminded and knew back then that I wanted her to be with other guys and I think a part of me hoped that this would always be the goal, for her to truly want this and to want to have me enjoy it as best as I can along with her. She did tell me she was getting very wet knowing the days and now hours are going by.

I know she is looking forward to Robert’s supposed big-cock. She's made no secret of it including teasing me about how tight she will see for him with us not having sex this week at all. It may sound crazy but I love the idea that she's going to fuck him and undoubtedly cum with him. I don't fully understand it but it has always turned me on that she's shared that intense moment of ecstasy with so many other guys; it always turned me on that some of the guys I worked with had fucked her.

What really turns me on though is that this is all her doing, from what she wants from and when she is with Robert to how she is with me, and this time it's not me telegraphing it to her. It's incredibly erotic to take your hands off the wheel for a change and to let her lead knowing she has the confidence to want to pursue what she wants.


That’s it. She's left for work and the die is now cast.

I'm sure it was in my head but she seemed to prance around naked this morning just a bit more than usual including bending over a lot more than she needed to! She also spent more time at her lingerie drawer and showed me the silky teddy she was bringing for later tonight. She didn't so much show it to me as deliberately holding it against herself in the mirror, seeing I was looking at her before smiling and putting it together with some other stuff into a small bag she was taking with her.

My thoughts are in a million directions right now. It’s a good thing I'm going into the office today as it'll give me less time to think about it all.

I plan on going out myself with people from work this evening, at least for a little while. Our ******** has again, conveniently, made plans to go over a friend's house for the evening to work on a school project due next week. I sometimes wonder if Suzanna doesn't plant that suggestion in her head.

Before my brain goes crazy and I succumb to the intense desire to jerk-off right now, I'm going to off to work now. It all seems even more intense with me not having ever met or seen Robert, the guy who will be fucking my wife.


She fucked Robert last night, although, I'm sure it was mutual. I can't even put words to how I felt waiting for her. It was almost 1:30am when she finally got home.

I will say that I could tell from how she looked that she may have found what she's been looking for in Robert. She had the same look as when she'd come back from being away with Ray the last two times, this deeply satisfied look in her eye.

She told me everything. How he made her feel very comfortable; how he was a gentleman about it all, including asking about me, but once she began to tell me more of the evening, there was no further mention of me.

She told me how she changed and how sexy she felt when he'd lit some candles and she joined him. It felt like a knife in me as she told me how she melted into his arms and how they, passionately, kissed and more. Several times she told me how he fulfilled everything she'd wanted for their first time, romantic, sexy, passionate. Even though I felt queasy at hearing her being so open and so glowing about it all that it was hard to not get caught up in her feelings.

She was gently stroking me as she told me how he made sure she'd been ‘satisfied’ before he even got naked. I knew she felt the things she'd wanted when she told me how she pulled her own legs back and how she even separated her pussy lips at his request so that he could ‘see all of her before he licked all of her’ (his words). She told me that she liked that he told her what to do without being pushy or anything. I totally cringed when she said she did it and how she lay back and let him go down on her.

It wasn't just what she said but how she said it. I swear she was almost orgasming again from re-living it and it killed me a bit to hear her tell me how his tongue felt that first time.

She told me how once she'd cum with him that he then got undressed and she said she was surprised to see how big his cock seemed compared to what she'd remembered from last week. I started to feel queasy when she told me she could barely get it in her mouth and how wet she said she felt at that moment.

I had a vision of her mostly undressed by this point and my cock was almost bursting despite all my feeling of nausea. She asked me several times if I really wanted to hear all of this and I nodded yes, I felt I had to.

As I slid off her panties she told me how she'd had to tell him to go easy with her and how nervous she was when she saw how big he was as he rubbed between her pussy lips.

She told me she didn't want to hurt me and wasn't sure I really wanted to hear it but I told her I wanted to, had to. She continued and told me how huge he felt as he pushed slowly into her. She said she made him take it back out several times just trying to get the tip into her and that he'd said she was probably just nervous but she said it wasn’t nervousness, she knew it was because he was a lot bigger than me. At one point she even joked that maybe he had some black-blood in his ****** line as she moaned with him trying to enter her.

I felt her hold my hand as she pulled me close and told me that she'd cum when he'd started to push into her and that he'd held her tightly through it and how he waited for her to get comfortable before he started to fuck her.

I’m skipping over a lot of stuff with all the thoughts I have going through my head from what she told me. In short all I can say is that I felt that in one short evening, she'd given everything of her to Robert. He'd made her cum; felt her body as he brought her to the peak of passion multiple times. My cock was rock hard as she finished her ‘account’. She looked at me, giggled and said, "I guess you did want to hear it all".

She was very wet and the smell and texture as I pushed my fingers into her left no doubt that it was cum. Even more telling was how swollen and full her whole mound seemed to be, her pussy lips were swollen and so soft and warm. They gently parted towards the bottom revealing her normally pink pussy to be a deep red and all of the wetness appeared to be oozing from inside.

I know if I had knelt there for much longer that I'd probably have just cum right then so I did lean down and took a quick lick of her. It seems weird, I so wanted to just push into her and fuck her but at the same time I just had to taste her. Yes, I just had to taste her and know it was truly Robert's cum in her.

She trembled a little when she felt me move into position but she then actually helped me by spreading her legs as she said in this quiet sexy voice, "go on, see for yourself". It was cum and just the thought and taste of it drove me crazy.

I moved up on her and in an instant I was pushing into her myself.

I've felt her after we've played with toys for a long time and I've felt her after she's had lots of sex so I thought I knew how her pussy would feel after it'd been well-used but this time as I pushed into her I felt almost zero resistance. That normally tight ring that would grasp my cock tightly was totally gone.

Oh god, she felt awesome! There's so much that she was saying and telling me but what stands out most in my mind was just how she felt, how her pussy seemed to feel a bit looser and, my god, a whole lot deeper!

I started to fuck her with everything I had knowing that it was my attempt to re-claim her. She pulled her legs back willingly for me and told me that Robert had fucked her all night long and how he'd cum in her twice. I was close, indeed I don't know how I held on that long, but when she started to tell me how he'd pulled her body close to his, one hand on her butt and the other around her shoulders, when she told me how she'd had pretty much one long long orgasm with him after the first time straight through his second time, well, that was it, as she told me, I felt like everything just gushed out of me in one instance after which I collapsed against her.

She held me tightly and said again how much she loved me and how lucky she was that I wanted her to do all of this. I could barely breathe let alone speak as I rolled off of her.

She rolled onto her side and as I caught my breath she played with my softened cock and kissed me. It felt like she wanted to say something so I looked at her and said, "what's on your mind?”

She said some stuff that still consumes me today. She held my hand and asked me if I was serious about letting her go with Robert.

From the way she said ‘letting me go’ I knew what she meant and I told her that I wanted her to take advantage of this opportunity to experience what she wanted.

She held my hand and said that I should be sure about it and that when I was that I should let her know.

I was a little confused and looked at her. She said, "he's someone I can definitely fall for ..." and a moment later she said, "...and I am going to want to just be with him" and she said that she knows it’s going to happen. She said that I had better enjoy her now because if she lets her feelings get stronger for him, then she is going to want to do it all, including being with him, just him.

She kissed me and said that she didn't think she'd ever feel like this, or that she'd ever let herself feel like this but that now that it's happening, that if I truly wanted her to do it, that she would.

She kissed me again and said that I didn't have to let her know just then but that we will talk more over the weekend and that there's more she's let herself start to think about.

Now this was probably 2:30am and we were both pretty tired. This wasn't one of these totally intensely serious conversations, it was actually more like us lying there in our post-fuck bliss just talking out loud. Yes, she was holding my hand tightly and kissing me, but it didn't feel stressful; at least not at the time.

She cleaned up in the bathroom and commented out loud, "how much of a mess Robert made" in her. It brought back great memories of other time when she's stood in the bathroom with one foot on the toilet cleaning up her pussy. She came back to bed and cleaned me off with the washcloth and I guess I had this look of shock on my face because she leaned down and said, "I’ll only want this if you do too" and she kissed me.


It seems almost insane to say that my wife has found a lover who she wants to ‘fall for’, someone with whom she wants to have the full-blown-affair. She has now, several times, told me that if she does have that affair (and it's all but definite) that she'll want to only be with him sexually.

She's also told me that they've talked more about many things. Some of them have given me this bit of comfort and confidence such as her telling me that he's told her that she should always make sure I am sexually satisfied. (She’s told him the story that I can’t manage it as often as she would like, not the ‘reality’). She said that he's also been very respectful about our marriage. It's funny but in a way he's playing himself up to be sort of a sexual-saviour to our marriage. There's also his repeated mention of his desire for children.

Of course there are other things she's shared have been not so comforting. I think she's enjoyed telling me that he told her that he loves that he doesn't have to use a condom with her. From part of her comment on how much of a mess he'd made to times last night when she again teased me with how it felt when he fucked her.

There was no doubt from her behaviour when we were having sex last night of how horny she was about a new guy. When she's in this kind of sexy mood it is easier for both of us to talk more openly before, during but especially after sex. Last night was no different and she asked me to tell her what I was thinking about all of this.

We'd just been fucking for 30-40 minutes or so and had both hit our peak almost together. I know that when she felt me cumming deep in her that a moment later as my on pleasure was subsiding she continued to fuck her body up and down under me as my cock remained stiff for a little longer. I would have done it to her but she held me still and it was just so intense to feel her push her pussy up and down on my cock as she proceeded to cum almost violently under me. As she peaked, I picked up her motion and carried her over the edge which resulted in her moaning and quivering underneath me.

Afterwards, I felt just awesome sharing that moment. No matter what the thoughts or dreams in our heads, those shared few moments of ecstasy were just between us. It was just so easy lying there afterwards in the soft light to hear her talk to me and for me to answer.

She asked me how I could live without sharing sex like that with me and she asked me again, “Do you really want me to be with Robert?” She held my hand as she waited for me to answer. I'd thought many times about how I'd answer this question when it came up, but at that moment, it seemed to me that I should just say what I was thinking.

I told her that of course I would miss sex with her but said that I thought this thing with Robert was what she'd wanted. However, if it was, I needed her to confirm that this wasn't something that was ‘forever’. Before she could answer I added, "and if it's not forever then for right now I would be okay with it”.

She immediately told me that, "of course it's not forever" and she said that they both realize that this isn't something that will be long-lived. She again said what she'd already said about him wanting kids but then she said that they've also talked and shared that they both want more sexually.

This is another thing that, in a way, gave me a bit of comfort. The way she said it and what I got out of it is that Robert wasn't sexually happy in his marriage. He's drawn parallels to Suzanna because of how she's described our lack-of-frequency, etc., and she said that he's made it fairly clear that their relationship will be sexually oriented.

As she described it, he's not interested in going out on dates with her so much as he wants the after-date-sex. I asked if he was looking for another wife with the whole kids’ thing. Her answer was a candid, "not right now", that he wants some time away from that pursuit, "to put some time between his divorce".

Naturally, this led me to the big question of whether he shares the same emotional desire as her. Or, the way I asked her, "is he going to fall for you the way you want?”

She was quiet for a moment before she answered that she hadn't really asked him that but at the same time, she said from the way he's talked about her, that he is clearly more interested than he lets on.

I asked her what she meant and she said that she'd felt some of the littlest things that have given her that feeling. It was a good thing we'd already fucked because I cringed from what she said next, she told me how when they are still spooned together after sex, how he'll caress her back and play with her hair.

It wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it and even more, how she said it made her feel....


While we haven't necessarily agreed to a specific ‘safe word’ or whatever, we have agreed that if either of us ever had a problem with what we are doing, that the other would do what's needed.

Yes, she's talking about possibly letting herself fall in love with him. It's what I was trying to ask her about, whether that feeling might or might not be reciprocated.

I didn't get a clear read on that from her other than he would like to provide the sexual release for her. The comments about how she thinks he may feel were hidden in her sharing how he played with her hair or how he touched or did something.

I suppose there could be more in the conversations they've had that she either does or doesn't see or want to see.

She asked me outright at one point what I wanted. She clarified it and said, "not what you want for me, but what you want for you".

I was quiet for a moment. Again, in my head, I'd gone through a million different things I could say but in the moment I was left with just what I felt at the time. While I was quiet she asked how I'm going to feel knowing what may be going on.

She's said that, like me, at times she wants one thing and then at others, that it changes. She said that she wants to be sure of things before any of this happens.

I made light of it and said back to her that, "you want to be sure of what you're feeling for him". She smiled and said that was correct.

Later on when she again asked me what I wanted, I did answer her and told her that, assuming it is what she wants, then, "maybe this is what I've wanted all along". I told her and emphasized that as long as it is working for both of us, that I would like to experience her only having sex with him as part of it; that I would be very turned on to see her let her emotions drive her sexual desire with him.

I told her many times that I was concerned about us and each time she comforted me. She said that even though it was ‘her and Robert’ that neither of them would ever not be concerned about me and that Robert didn't want to come between her and me. She also said that she'd been thinking of ‘that conversation’ with Phyllis long ago and how she remembers her clearly saying that the affair had done good things for her and her husband and that after it was over, that their sex-lives soared and her self-confidence went up with it. She said she now understood it, that it felt wonderful to be wanted by and to be able to want another person to be able to explore more of her desires.

I made mention of our planned two vacations/trips over the summer and said that without any doubts that I would want to be having sex with her during those times.

She held my hand, looked me right in the eyes and said "without a doubt". I was a little taken aback at learning just how much they had spoken about things when she added that she'd already mentioned our vacations to Robert and how he'd said something like, "he'll expect to be with you".

We were lying close at the time and I could feel how warm her body still was under the covers. I told her again that all I wanted her was for her to tell me what was going on. I held her warm hand and I told her that it was okay to tell me how she felt about him and that I wanted her to share what they were doing sexually.

She giggled and said that she was sure that it would be something we shared on Wednesday nights for sure! It was her turn to turn to me and said, "you know, I'm not saying that we won't ever do it".

I asked her what she meant and maybe this is what Robert has been telling her too, she said that she'd still be there sexually for me at times. I asked if that meant her sucking me at times.

She said, “Yeah, or maybe more,” and then said something about it being fun to share it with me.

I asked, “What does that mean?”

She smiled and said that she was thinking of ways to make sure I didn't feel bad.

It went quiet for a bit and I was thinking that maybe she was nodding off or getting tired so in the dim light I said out loud, "so, he was really good?".

She giggled and said how surprised she was that it was so gentle and yet so fulfilling, their first time.

I asked her if she had been nervous.

She said she was, especially when she felt how big his cock was. She actually described it as feeling heavy in her hand and she had this sexy sound in her voice as she told me how that thought made her horny for him. She said she thought she'd feel nervous the first time being naked with him but said that he really made her feel comfortable including telling her how beautiful and sexy she was.

It was my turn to laugh at her and I joked about how she could have wondered about that given how she liked to be in the nude with Ray and Dan before that. She laughed along with me but then had a more thoughtful tone when she said that it felt so easy being like that with Robert.

I didn't tell her that I had figured that out already.


Suzanna has shared her concerns and misgivings about all of this. I'm sure the passionate sex we had didn't help her, but nonetheless, she seemed to be getting serious cold-feet about it. She'd mentioned some things earlier in the day but after we'd both exhausted ourselves for the 3rd night in a row she suddenly changed mood and seemed to be on the borderline of crying saying she ‘couldn't do this’ and how good we've been together for the past few months now, especially recently with it being just ‘us’ again.

It took me a moment to shift gears. At first I just hugged her and held her a little while I got my bearings and then I told her that it was all up to her; that if she could take it as far as she wanted that I'd be there for her.

She hugged me back and said she was very confused at times which made me laugh and I told her that my own thoughts and emotions swung back and forth so much that I was seasick. That turned her to giggle and snuggle up to me.

She asked if we were stupid or crazy to play around like this.

I lifted her head up towards me and kissed her and I told her sincerely, that I thought we were so much "better together" now than just a few years ago. I reminded her how the last few weeks/months have been because of what she's done and what we've shared.

We hugged and she told me how she is surprised at times of how horny and how sexual she has become, as she put it, "even at this age".

I kissed her and told her that I thought she was the sexiest person I knew and that I loved what we've done together and then added, “... and what you've done alone.” I told her that she needed to be sure of herself and that the rest would just happen.

She hugged me and asked me again how I was going to be without having her to which I answered, “OK, as long as maybe we could still mess around sometimes.”

She giggled and said, "I thought you hated condoms".

I told her that I'd manage if it was a way to still have her.

She smiled and said, "hmmmm .... maybe for special occasions?”

I kissed her and told her, "see, that's what I mean by things just working themselves out".

I pulled the conversation back on track and again said that this wasn't something she had to jump into head-first. I told her that she should just let it happen as it will and not try to pre-conceive how it's going to go, “.... If you aren't ready for it, then let that be as far as you want it to go.”

I held her hand and said that I didn't think this was just going to end suddenly with Robert. I told her that maybe she should let things go another few weeks and see how she felt then.

She kissed me and thanked me for being the voice of reason and for remaining calm. She looked at me and said, "I guess you must want this to happen; you could have easily talked me out of it".

All I said back to her was, "as I've said all along, it's something you have to want and I'll be happy".

I mentioned the ‘shifting gears’ because before and during sex it had been just the opposite, we were totally focussed! She was all into teasing me that this, "might be the last night" and that she wanted to be ‘Roberts’s girl’. During foreplay she teased me that she may have to check with Robert to see if my licking ‘his pussy’ will be allowed! She went to all ends, some comments were mild, others were wild and all of them drove both of us crazy.

We got more and more explicit. She told me how his big cock made her feel so full and how much he came in her.

I told her back that I wanted to see her pussy still wet from him after she comes home.

Around and around it went until I climbed up on top of her and she squealed how she loved feeling Robert in her in that position. Well, that did it for me, thinking of his giant cock still further up in her pussy than mine was; thinking of her feeling him cum in her, and when I thought about him feeling her pussy struggling around his huge cock, that was it. I came something fierce and she was right there with me ... which is why that sudden emotional change of direction caught me off guard!


This morning and we're in a holding pattern waiting to see what happens as this week goes by. She had mentioned, at one point, seeing more of him but I didn't ask more.

Perhaps they might have lunch together. I recall her allowing Dan many liberties at lunchtime.

From what she's said, Robert has the largest cock she's ever experienced. I thought that might bother me more than it does but conversely it is a turn-on. I've already said for now it doesn't seem to bother me; at least not that much, but of course it is something that I do think about and perhaps over time it might be something that becomes more of a concern. Still, I will say that I absolutely love knowing that she’s had it in her and love how she feels when she gets home after being with him. All I can explain it as is that her pussy feels like it's had quite a workout and it feels almost tired in a way. I know it's probably all in my head but does that make a difference?


Wow, another book filled with my innermost thoughts and secrets. Let’s find another so I can continue to tell the rest!