Journal of a Journey - Book 97

I really think that this thing with Paul won't last beyond the end of the year; it's just how I feel from what she's said and how things have gone in the past. I think if it lasts 6 months that I'll be likely climbing the walls by then but, at the same time, I think that even if she lets me use condoms with her it will not be as strangely satisfying as what I am feeling right now. So far, masturbating for her last night was very pleasurable perhaps even more than in the past because of what we are doing. But I am not kidding myself; I know that this arousal will likely fade and that will be when the angst will rise in me.


She didn't see Paul last night or tonight, instead she's decided that he'll come here on Sunday afternoon and she's already said that I will be invited to, "watch him fuck me". I didn't say anything, then she looked at me and said, "it'll be the first time you'll watch when you will not be having me after he leaves". It wasn't said in a spiteful way; actually she had a bit of sexy but very serious tone to her.


We were lying in bed earlier and she looked over at me and saw I was hard and she asked me if I was horny. I told her yes and she said that she wanted to go to bed and that if I needed to I should 'go in the office and enjoy yourself'. Then she giggled and said, "you can think about not having me" and she snuggled into bed.

I think she is going to push my buttons. I can feel it in her, as if she wants to almost rub it in my face. (I may wish she'll do that but, for now, it's a figure of speech!)


She so loved me telling her how turned on I was the other night, it was nice to feel and it was nice that I was able to open up and tell her that it was what I'd wanted to feel. I told her that knowing she was truly his for now and that only he would have her sexually was the emotion that I wanted to feel. She hugged me as I stroked and told me that she needed to feel she could let go of me and give herself to Paul like she was now doing. She told me in quite exquisite detail (at times, in tormenting detail) of how he had fucked her, or rather, how they 'made love', yes, her words; she told me how she felt letting herself go with him and how he'd made her cum and cum and cum before he took his turn with her.

Just from how she said it, so turned me on but it wasn't until she asked me more of how it feels to 'look and not touch' as she again showed me the bright pink interior of her pussy, that I told her that it was the most exciting feeling I'd ever had. She purred to hear it and it wasn't much after that when I let go myself and squirted a huge load again.

Gauging her reaction to seeing me cover myself in my cum and from how open and how almost in-my-face she was the other night, I suspect she is going to give me all the beta-feelings I can handle.

Now, it's time to take care of this raging hard-on yet again. I feel like I'm a teenager, I get hard seeing her naked or seeing her hard nipples beneath her night-shirt, or even just seeing her panties on the floor in the bathroom and knowing she's naked beneath her night-shirt. Just looking at her and knowing what I'm missing is enough to set me off. I'm loving it.


It became painfully aware to me last night that this is the first I am truly experiencing full denial from her. I've been good about it and respecting her (and my) wishes and it's become something that is keeping me hard virtually all the time.

Paul will be here just after dinner tonight and Suzanna's already told me that she would like some alone-time with him but then she said, "you can come in for the good parts" which I interpreted as meaning when he gets her to cum and yes, when he finally cums in her.

I fully expect to be teased and tormented later tonight after he leaves. She seems quite into what she says is 'giving you the beta experience' that I've wanted. Interestingly, she's admitted that her pen-pal friends are somewhat behind this. I wonder just who they might be.

I’m a little nervous, I haven't seen them in person now for a while and I wonder if she set it up like this?


I am going to sound crazy when I say this but I so loved last night!

Paul came by after dinner, must have been 7:30pm, maybe later. Suzanna and I had already been talking about how the evening might pan out and, as I'd said, she seemed very into giving me the 'beta experience' I wanted. Well, have to report, she gave it to me in spades last night (no, not referring to black guys!)

He was very cordial when he came in and we talked easily. He mentioned how long it'd been since I'd been with them and I told him, with a bit of a cuckold thrill, that I had missed seeing him with her. He had a wry smile but said, "yea, she's mentioned it" as he pulled her closer to him on the couch while I sat across from them.

I won't post every detail leading up to them going up to our bedroom but suffice to say he had very much seduced her on the couch while I went into the kitchen and left them alone for a while. I could see through the door that he had her top open and her bra off as she lay back on the couch and he was sucking at her breasts; I could hear her moaning which prompted me to go back into the room. She saw me, smiled and, if anything, pushed her chest out even more towards him. I admit it did strike me for a moment that he was doing to her what she wouldn't let me do and I'll also say that as I stood there watching them, I got wicked hard.

She got up and came to me with her top still open and her nipples now like little pebbles and she said to me, "we're going upstairs now". Paul was all smiles as she said that to me and then they both went up to our bedroom. From what she'd told me earlier, I knew she wanted me to leave them alone for a bit before I joined them. I admit it was pretty amazing to hear them getting more and more passionate before I went up the stairs to watch.

As I stood in the doorway Paul had his face buried in her pussy and she had one hand on the back of his head while the other held back one of her legs even more. I could hear the slurping and squishing sounds of him licking her pussy deep inside and I think as I watched, she came because she arched her back upwards and she let out this deep moan and a moment later I heard him making a 'mmmm' sound. It so turned me on that she'd cum so easily like that and that he was now so familiar with her pussy and how she tastes when she cums.

I don't think either of them knew I was standing in the doorway watching, they seemed totally into each other. He was already undressed and as I watched he shifted his position and then took his place between her legs. He stroked his cock a few times and as he did, even from the doorway, I could see her pussy was spread and could see the glistening of her wetness. I wanted to move in closer but didn't want to interrupt them in any way and I feared by opening the door more so I could go in would have distracted them.

Instead, I waited till he started to rub that big head on his cock up and down her pussy split; even from the doorway I was able to admire of the size of the knob on the end of his cock and knew how Suzanna loved that too. I was totally entranced in watching Suzanna respond to his cock rubbing up and down and spreading her wetness all over. I recognized his technique; I knew he was going to get her really worked up before he fucked her.

. When Suzanna and I talked I told her that I wanted to be there for that part and not just at the end so I waited until he started to slid into her and for them to start fucking before I went into the room. She smiled at me and said she was okay with that if it's what I wanted. I heard her moan the first few times he pushed into her but didn't get in and then as I was just at the foot of the bed and getting down on my knees on the floor, I watched as he pushed at her forcibly and she let out a gasp as his cock was finally in her.

Again, I'm not sure if they knew I was there, but I loved seeing her respond to him. He went slowly with her until it was obvious even to me that she wanted it harder and deeper and he seemed happy to give it to her. He hooked her legs around his arms as he fucked her (my favorite position) and they really started to go at it.

I can't describe how beautiful I thought she looked as she gave into him and let him take her. She must have had 2 or 3 smaller orgasms before he suddenly pulled out of her leaving her pussy gaping open beneath him. He gently pulled at her hips and as she turned over and got up onto her knees he gave her butt a gentle slap.

It was then that they both noticed me as she got into the doggy position and he stood behind her. Since they'd now noticed I was there, I got the impression that the both of them decided to put on a bit more of a 'show' for me. He pulled out of her several times, each time letting me see his cock covered with her wetness and to let me see that her pussy was literally staying open for him, and between her moans and screams into the pillow, I knew he'd made her cum at least one more time before he grabbed her hips and pulled her fully back onto his cock which brought her up off the bed for a moment.

I knew that she wouldn't want him to cum in that position though and, sure enough, just a few moments later he turned her over again and this time she pulled her own legs back brazenly showing him how wet and open she was for him. I have to say, seeing her lie back and show herself so eagerly and openly to him had me rock hard.

I knew from how they were behaving that they were both horny and that they weren't going to take their time now. Sure enough, that’s when he really started fucking her. Maybe it was all in my head but he seemed to be much more physical and forceful with her including pushing deep into her, pausing and holding himself there before resuming his motions. All I could think about was his big cock buried in her with that fat-head likely pushed up against her cervix deep inside!

I have to say that I was totally into watching and knowing I wasn't having her later made it even more intense. I was watching her fuck and knowing I wasn't going to have her was just so horny for me. I can't find the words to explain it but for sure my cock was rock hard as I also felt this great feeling of loving watching her.

Paul put on quite a good show for me too! Maybe it was that they hadn't been together since earlier in the week, but he seemed really horny for her. He'd pull almost all the way back and at the right angle with the right light I could even see her inner pussy lips being pulled and stretched outward when he'd pull back. Then, oh wow, seeing him push back into her soooo slowly was just really horny to see. I could tell from how she moaned and responded that his cock was right against her g-spot as he pushed back in and I loved seeing her wetness began to seep out of her at the bottom of her pussy, especially when he'd pull almost all the way out.

It could have been 5 minutes or it could have been 45 minutes, I don't know, all I know is that they were into it. I will say it was a little humbling but also so arousing to me to know she would only be having his cum and not mine. My heart stopped in my mouth (is that a thing?!) when I recognised his first time was about to happen; I remembered his motions, short deep strokes and I saw them starting and I knew that he was about to fill her up. For some reason it just felt so so right to me when I watched him take one more big plunge into her and then he remained still, deep in her, and I watched his body tense and his butt tighten several times and I'll openly admit that I loved that moment, of hearing him grunt as he began to cum and, maybe even more now, of knowing he was giving her something that I won't for quite a while.

I also knew what was coming next and sure enough Paul remained pretty hard and after a few moments he began to again thrust in and out of her. As he pistoned in and out his cum came streaming out of her pussy and down to her ass as he ramped up his pace. She literally turned to jello beneath him and a moment later as he continued his wet-fuck with her she began to shake and moan. As he kept at her, she got louder and louder until she let out a shriek. I saw a flood of wetness gush out of her as he pulled back and a moment later she was lying still on the bed beneath him, unable to move. It totally thrilled me that he stayed deep in her until she'd calmed down a bit before he then pulled out of her.

He rolled over onto my side of the bed leaving Suzanna lying there motionless with her entire pussy on display as if it were nothing. From where I was kneeling in the dim light I could see a thick bead of his cum come oozing out of her from deep inside. I so loved seeing her like that, knowing how she felt. A moment later he got up on his side and lay against her and as she lay there catching her breath, he showed me clearly that he was her lover, his hands and fingers went everywhere including in her pussy while I watched.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen next until Suzanna seemed to come out of her daze and upon seeing me there she smiled but did nothing to move or change her position. A few moments later Paul leaned over and kissed her passionately and then he got off the bed and went into the bathroom. Suzanna motioned for me to come up closer and when I did she asked me if I had liked watching her. I told her that I always did. I almost leaned in for a kiss or a caress of her breasts but then realized that she didn't want that. In fact, a second later after that thought of mine she said, "can you leave us alone for a little while; Paul is going to want seconds".

Just how she said it struck me, as if it were nothing. She smiled at me as it sank in what she had just said and I am quite sure she knew I was hard. We both heard the toilet flush in the bathroom so I knew he was coming back to her and before he came out, I left the room.

I only went out as far as the landing and turned to listen at the door; peering in several times as the scene was repeated! I wasn't surprised that Paul was horny for a second round but I was amazed at how they both were just as eager as the first time. (Later Suzanna told me that she had not said anything to Paul about what we're doing). Again I watched as he pleasured my wife as I no longer am allowed to and her response to him made it clear that he was doing a fine job!

It must have been at least 10pm or later, after she'd screamed and loudly vocally cum again, he pulled out of her for the last time. His cock at last had lost some of its stiffness and was smaller now and slipped easily out of her followed by yet another thick bubbly trickle of cum. Again he lay there next to her for a while, they kissed and caressed and very much enjoyed their post-fuck bliss together. As they started to kiss and embrace I felt it was better to let them be alone and so I did leave and I did close the door knowing they'd hear me.

I went downstairs and it wasn't for another 15-20 minutes before I heard the bedroom door open and heard water running in the bathroom. Shortly after Paul came downstairs and when I saw he was dressed I realized he'd been cleaning up. He saw me in the kitchen and he said, "thanks". It was a little awkward but it was honest. I told him it was good seeing him again and I said 'thank you' back. I think we could have talked more but he seemed to want to go and I knew that Suzanna was lying in bed upstairs likely just as he left her and most probably looking forward for my return.

Sure enough,- she was still in bed but had now pulled a sheet up over her. When I came back in the bedroom she smiled and motioned me over to her. I wasn't sure what I should do and what to not do, especially when she confused me by pulling the sheet back to let me see her!

"So, how did you like watching knowing that's all you'll be doing?”

I groaned back as I saw the sheet come away from her body and I said, "it was intense".

She coyly spread her legs and said, "he left me very messy" and gave me hope she might have asked for me to clean her up … but she didn't, instead she just said, "I love that"..

We talked for a few moments. I told her how intense it was to watch them, especially knowing what I wasn't going to get to do. She giggled and spread her legs a bit and ran her hands up the insides of her thighs and said, "mmmm, it was nice cumming with him baby".

I told her I'd loved watching and she smiled and asked me, "are you horny?" …

… to which I just replied, "is Calculus hard? of course I'm horny.".

She smiled back at me and just said "good", I realized that this was likely all I was going to have with her sexually; it almost felt like I was being dismissed.

And so, as my first true time as a fully denied cuckold, the really crazy part is that I loved it! My cock was so hard as I started to talk to her and tell her what I liked most seeing. I tried, at least at first, I told her how I loved what she'd done and all of that. She cooed, "come on baby, let me see you cum now". She giggled and said, "show me" which I knew was her wanting to watch me jerk off. I climbed on the bed alongside her and my rigid cock was pointing straight up and sure enough, a moment later she said, "if you want to jerk off, I'll watch..... you can look at me if you want..... but that's all you’re getting baby".

You know the rest, she teased, I replied and, wow, a few moments later did I ever cum! As I stroked away I asked her if I could look at her and she giggled and smiled and she spread her legs, just a little at first but then seeing the intensity in me, she spread them further and even teased me as she ran a finger around her swollen pussy opening and she cooed at me at how much he cums at times!

In addition to teasing me about how much he cums, she pointedly asked me, "do you like looking at the pussy you used to fuck?"

Well, that did it, hearing her tell me how she loved him cumming in her and the whole scene, I let go with a huge load that splattered all over my chest and stomach. I lay there expecting her to lean over and help clean me up when she said, "let me see you do it".

It took me a second to understand what she wanted but then I realized, she wanted me to gather up all of my cum and for her to watch me clean it up. I smiled at what she didn't say, that she didn't even want to touch my cum and so I let her look as I pushed all of my cum into a bigger puddle and then let her watch as I licked my fingers clean each time.

She asked me afterwards if it was good and if it was okay, "… instead of having me" and I told her honestly, that it was something I had wanted. again.

I knew she wasn't going to want me to go down on her and I wasn't surprised when she asked me if I give her a night-shirt to put on. She sat up in bed and it was the first time I noticed just how hard and pointy her nipples were and they looked so hot under her shirt.

It seemed sort of anti-climactic in some ways as after we both got washed up and ready for bed, that we just got in and cuddled up.

So far it is definitely tweaking my beta-desires. I know it's going to sound cliché or whatever but I really did enjoy the night with her. It's so hard to put into words how strangely satisfying it felt to see her so 'well used' and, yes, it was equally satisfying to talk about it with her and to have her literally show me her used body!

I don't know how long this buzz will last but so far, the thought of not fucking her isn't bothering me just yet. It was a pretty intense night being with her but not being with her, if you know what I mean.

Cuddling up afterwards was a really sweet moment for us especially as I knew she was still revelling in the post-fuck bliss with Paul and that she knew I was so horny from it all even after jerking off with her.

This morning - it's weird to say it but for now, I like what we're doing and it's intensely arousing to think about it.


She is really 'putting my face in it' so to speak. (A figure of speech, obviously, as I'm surely not doing that to her for real!)

As with last weekend, she's very uninhibited about showing me her body and telling me very pointedly and asking me if I 'miss this' as she points to her pussy or even teasing me about, "remember when you used to feel this" as she'd put her fingers in her pussy.

The thing is, she wanted me to tell her and answer her. I found it hard to talk about at first, both last weekend and last night, but as with the past Wednesdays, once she got me to open up, it felt good to tell her.

She asked me how it felt to know that I wasn't going to feel her again.

I told her it turned me on and she laughed and said she could tell from how hard my cock was.

She teased me a little bit and told me that it turned her on to see me so hard and that she wasn't going to let me in her.

As she talked I opened up and I told her that it drove me crazy that Paul was the only one fucking her now and that it turned me on that he was taking my place in her. She giggled at how I said that and, among other things, she told me how she liked how he fucked her and that now that we aren't having sex together that she is much more into it with him.


Part of our conversation over the past few days has been around her schedule with him and I asked whether she's told him anything about what we're doing; she said no. She did ask if I wanted her to tell him but added that he isn't really interested and that she thinks he doesn't want anything more than he has with her.

We talked about the times she went away in the past and she said that she wasn't surprised he hasn't asked her. She then mentioned that he's going away this weekend. I asked her if she'd wanted to go with him (not knowing where he was going, just asking in general) and she said that she was kind of surprised he hasn't asked her for anything more in that way. I didn't tell her my thoughts that maybe he's just happy with having regular good sex without any strings.

That bought her back to saying how she likes his cock to be deep in her when he cums. I told her that turned me on too and again she giggled at how her saying that made my cock drool as we talked more and more openly. She amped it up when she told me that she can feel him against her cervix when he cums and I almost drunkenly told her that it turned me on that all her 'nooks and crannies' are filled with his cum so much!

She pulled up her night shirt and showed me her pussy, spread it apart and asked if she looked still wet from him. It seemed like forever since I'd seen her behave so brazenly; her clit was firm and standing up and, deep inside where the pink turned darker, I swore I could see his semen still in her. I told her that it turned me on that she would only fuck him now.

We went back and forth for a while, she told me how she liked that he tells her to climb on top of him and ride him 'cowgirl style' and then she taunted the heck out of me by telling me, "he likes it like you used to when I lean over and let him suck at my breasts while he's in me".

I swear, she said it just like that. I can't even really recall much more after that as it wasn't long before I exploded and came all over. She squealed as I let go and she cooed and told me, "come on baby, make it cum … think about him cumming in me … " as I kept stroking it.

She did reach down and cuddle my balls and she did do the last bit, she ran her thumb from way down below my balls up to the tip of my cock and she moaned out loud as I felt her squeeze out the last drops of cum. But it really was the look in her eyes as I lay there catching my breath with my wet cock lying on my stomach, the look in her eyes and then, without a doubt her giving me the most intense, passionate and loving deep kiss that I can remember in a long time. As we ended our kiss she pulled back and whispered, "I love you". Then she sat up, giggled, grabbed a handful of tissues and said, "let’s clean you up....”

She is home tonight. They're not seeing each other till next Tuesday but she has also hinted that she might want to try two nights in a row with him next week. I'm kind of scared to think about it but yet, I would like to feel it.


We were cuddling up in bed and she asked me to rub her back. I started with her shoulders and then the middle of her back. She didn't say anything when I worked my way down to the lower back and just onto her butt. I loved feeling her naked beneath her night-shirt and I started to get hard as I continued. I worked my way back up and as I rubbed her shoulders I got an 'ahem' as I guess my hands wandered or went towards her breasts.

My hard dick was bobbing and touching her and when I was finished giving the massage and she was ready to fall off to sleep she whispered to me that if I needed to 'take care of things' that I should go into the office but I should then be quiet when I come back.

So here I am, so horny right now, and it’s such a deep feeling kind of horniness too … or maybe it's all in my head. I don't know, I just think of her last night being so open and explicit with me and now, her behaving like this tonight. I guess I'll get used to it.


Increasingly I’m seeing in her a sense of resentment or perhaps disappointment that Paul is not being more aggressive or dominant enough.

Maybe there is an element of him being absent this past week that is causing her to be more open with me, I don't know.. However, we've talked more in these past few days/nights now that we aren't having sex and she's said several things to me that have really made me see that she is quite serious about her 'new discovery' about herself and how she thinks she's felt for so long.

The one thing she's repeatedly said is that she loves how she feels now that she is forcing herself to separate us sexually and again said she likes how she feels regarding 'control' of her sexual desires; again harping back to that somehow, she's always felt this pressure to perform with me sexually. Now she's saying that she's felt it even more up until recently where she's long felt that she needed to be with me and, in a way, make up for it with me by feeling like she had to have sex with me after she'd been with her lover.

Maybe it's all psychobabble from her but there's clearly some truth to it from how she is so calm about saying what she feels even when it's not a sexual moment. Then there are the things she's said that make me a bit hesitant about things in general too. One thing she did say a few times that has me concerned was that she feels like she needs to be with Paul enough times to, "forget how it felt with you". She's picked up on how that statement hit me when she first said it and quickly added something like, "that it's not meant to be a bad thing about me or us;, just that I want you to feel the same kind of unfettered and self-driven sexual desire for me like I feel with Paul instead of having any guilty overtone feelings."

When I asked her more she says that it's just how she now feels but then will admit that it is for real sometimes for her, that sometimes when she now sees me naked that it turns her on to think about how it's going to be when she does have those feelings for me again. She even made light of it and told me that when she does want to have sex with me again that she's going to 'feel very tight' when we get to it and she's said, casually, that it's only the head on his cock that is 'so big' and that she feels her pussy is actually quite tight.


I was out for a while yesterday evening and when I came back home and went up to our bedroom, 'Jim', her favourite dildo was lying on the bathroom countertop, obviously having just been washed up. So she'd clearly been masturbating when I was out. It made me excited to think about that but it also fitted into her conversation later when she kissed me to make me feel more comfortable in our banter and she said, "… that when we get back together, that I can't wait to feel you again knowing how you're going to make me feel." Needlessly to say she couldn't help herself by throwing in a bit of a tease and telling me, "of course it'll all feel new to you baby".


I asked how things were between them and she gave a contented sounding 'they're good' and added that so far that things seem to be staying in control. She again mentioned maybe spending 2 nights with him next week, suggesting maybe Tuesday and Wednesday.

I told her that it would be the first time in a long time that it'll be more than one night away from me. She countered that by saying something about only having a few more weeks before the kids come home. When I asked her if that was going to change things, she giggled and said, "not between you and me" but she did say that she expected things to change with Paul.

When I asked her more she said she wasn't sure what was going to happen but then she giggled and said, "maybe he'd better fuck me a lot before then!"

I got the impression that, hopefully, she feels like she's ready to move on with things. I admit it seemed kind of a crazy thought to me that in a way she wants to fuck him even more to help her 'disconnect' from me.

Despite the negative nature of our talk, it didn't really feel that way to me, she was just being honest with me and telling me how she feels something she says she couldn't ever own up to earlier. I had to nod my head when she asked and say that now we do feel closer together in many ways without having sex with each other.


I will end here by saying that when we woke up this morning she said thank-you to me for not pressuring her about sex and not pushing it in her face that I was obviously so horny. She said she doesn't mind me masturbating at all but admits that sometimes she even still feels a little guilt at knowing I am jerking off because she isn't fucking me. When she said that I think I may have even seen/understood a little about what she meant.

I'm sure it must feel good to her to know that last night, for example, even though I was horny and all that, that instead of me finding 'relief' that we lay together in bed, spooned up, just hugging and caressing and massaging/rubbing each other but not at all sexual. I guess I kind of understood what she might have felt had she known I went off to our office to masturbate, or what she might have felt if I lay there next to her and did it.

I'm not sure I understand it all, but at least I can see and feel some of what she's saying at times. I guess if I feel it a little like last night, that it must have been a big realization for her to come forward with (continually) to tell me it's about her own self even more than it's about me, that she understands guys will 'always want sex'.

I have no doubt that she loves me. I do already feel the disconnect sexually, and it does concern me, but at the same time, right now, she knows that I want to feel this kind of denial by her. So for now, without actually putting it into words, we both know what we are doing. Without saying it and without saying it in so many words, there is a lot more that I feel between us now that I'll admit to.


I believe that she is playing this up much more than it really is; that it is convenient for her to using it to justify what she wants to do. I will also say that taken out of context, her statement about wishing to forget how it feels to be with me sexually does appear severe but I know what she is really saying and it isn't intended to mean 'to forget me physically' so totally, but to forget it enough so that it will all feel very new when we do re-connect.


We've moved to this denial phase much more sooner than I'd ever thought, and yes, she's expressed a lot of things that she wants to resolve but what I also hear (or rather don't hear) is anything about Paul in the future other than in a teasing way. My honest thought is that the things that we've put into motion will accelerate things between them and between us and that within the next few weeks I feel things will become more clear. Indeed, they will have to by the time our kids get home!

In my head, she wants to take all the brakes off and let this happen as fully as it can in the few short 6 weeks or so we have left of enjoying our empty nest. Her frequent mentions of having 2 nights in a row over the next few weeks is, I feel, her trying to wring every drop of cuckold/beta/denial actions as she can get.


We're going to watch some TV for a while and then she's promised me some 'fun' later so I am quite eager to be with her. As I am already on the last page of this book I'm thinking I should put this to bed as well and find a fresh one.