Journal of a Journey - Book 96

Last night when she came to bed she asked me if I'd masturbated on Thursday night and when I told her that I'd 'needed to' she blushed and said she was glad I was turned on by it. She got undressed and asked me if I wanted her to maybe stay naked if I was still horny, or even if I wasn't. She said that now she felt confident and comfortable that she could do so without feeling 'pressured' to have sex with me.

I told her that I'd like to look at her a bit longer if she didn't mind and she smiled and said okay. She finished her bedtime routine, washing, brushing and such, naked and then she came to lie next me and said casually that if I was done looking, that she was going to get her night-shirt on. I told her 'ok' so she got up, pulled it on and got back into bed and this time we cuddled up and as she snuggled into me she just said, "thanks" and I knew she meant that I'd made her comfortable.


She came to me earlier this afternoon and hugged and kissed me and said, "that was really nice of you last night" and went on to say that it was what she'd wanted to feel, that she could be comfortable and sharing without feeling like she had to let me have or play with her or whatever. She was kind of giddy about it in a way and she hugged me and giggled and said, "we should have some more fun later tonight" which I know is her way of telling me she wants sex later!


We have serious conversations too and she told me her new reason of 'feeling pressured' is something she's using as her way of explaining to me how she feels, or rather, felt sexually all this time. I told her that if she was blaming me for what we'd done together and that surely after 30 years she'd have said something. She agreed and pointed to my 'unlocking' her sexuality as what's brought it to light for her. Whatever, she's described it and as I said, hearing it from her side and understanding that she's not really blaming me as much as herself for her own feeling too, I sort of get it. I mean if I didn't I wouldn't be her husband and know how she is thinking so this really is something new for her.

Her desire to disconnect and then reconnect with me sexually, it's clearly not about hugging or all of that closeness. Yes, she's most definitely going to be there with me teasing and arousing me while sharing me masturbating and possibly her too. It what she's saying she wants to do to be closer with me and share what she's doing with me. I know it sounds weird but it's an incredible feeling to be with her knowing we both want to do this.

She's promised me that I'll get to use at least 3 more condoms with her so that bodes well for this next week and yes, it's also an incredibly ominous thing to think about at the same time. And why does that get me so hard to think about?


I had hoped that perhaps yesterday (Sunday) that she'd have been up for some more fun and sex but it didn't work out that way. She was on the phone with her ****** for a while yesterday (there's obviously 'stuff' going on) and that the day wasn't quite as 'up' as we'd have wanted. Later yesterday afternoon I hinted around 'what our plans for the evening were?'. She replied that she knew I was horny and that she too had wanted a lot of 'us time' which included sex, but that she was just not really in the mood for it last night. That was when she hugged me and said, "don't worry baby, you'll have at least 3 more times in the next week, promise" and again said how she wants next Sunday night to be, "something special for both of us".

There was a little more that we'd talked about. She asked me if I'd been masturbating as often. When I said yes, she asked me if I was aware that I seemed to be cumming more than 'usual' and said she'd seen it both when she'd watched me jerking recently as well as what she says I fill the condom with. She was very understanding and told me that she'd done some reading about it and the reason is because I know Paul is cumming in her and that I'm not, that, " … my body trying to make up for it even if it can't". She seems to have it all figured out and might be right; even I have to admit I seem to be so horny all the time lately.

She continues to surprise me.


I wonder to myself what will be the end-game. I think the plan here is to allow Suzanna her freedom with Paul and from what she's said, it'll likely be several months. When we reach that point, I think we'll both have some soul-searching and decisions to be made.

She did pack her overnight bag again this morning to stay with Paul tonight. I have to say that this part is getting easier and more exciting each time. I know I felt tied up in knots at earlier times like today but I feel pretty good about things right now. Suzanna even liked that I offered opinions on which undies made her look sexier and she admitted to me that she's already left some clothes and toiletries at his place. Perversely, that made me feel good about things too, knowing that she's becoming more comfortable with this too. I'm sure later tonight it'll get to me but, right now, it was nice to see her so happy this morning.

She mentioned possibly Thursday seeing him but maybe not spending the night, not being sure of her exact plans. Our son will be home sometime next week when he feels like coming home, his spring break is late so there will be a bit of a hiatus for her after the weekend. I did ask what she was going to tell Paul and she said, "nothing for now …" and added "… other than that you (meaning me) is continuing to enjoy what we're doing". So whether it comes out over time will be indicative of things, I suppose.

I admit that I am feeling more and more anxious about everything. I know what's coming and that it's going to be some adjustment for me even with the limited relations we've had recently. At the same time my cock is so rock hard right knowing at where she is and by now, what she's likely doing. I really can't explain why it turns me on to think about truly giving her up for a while and wanting her to be with Paul as she needs and wants but I really do want it.

There is this intensely satisfying feeling I have even right now about thinking about her beneath him as she becomes his. I've seen her and them fuck so many times that I can almost see it in my head.

It's such a crazy thing that it turns me on. Scares me but I just have to see it through and experience it.


Going to sleep last night after jerking off was easier than I'd anticipated and I felt less anxiety knowing she's staying with Paul. Having said that, it's the mornings that always get to me. Getting up alone is just part of it; being in the bathroom showering and all that and knowing she is with him at the same time, doing the same, always gets to me. Just makes me want her more.


No, we didn't have sex last night but yes, I did masturbate for her while she 'shared' and told me about her time with Paul last night. Much as she did last time she came back from being with him, she lay down next to me in her bath-robe and as we started to get close and began to talk, knowing I was getting horny, she slowly undid her robe and again, in her own way, teased and turned me on so much as she slowly uncovered her naked body.

I was really hard and she said she loved both knowing I'd jerked off on Tuesday night and that here I was rock-hard again. She's said it before but last night she had the most sexy tone in her voice as she told me how it made her horny to see how hard I was and she held my hand and told me how it made her feel very sexy to see me so horny and aroused by her and to know that I was going to masturbate for her.

She teased me about, "how long it's been now since you ejaculated in here … " and as she spread her pussy she giggled and said, "… can you see any of Paul's cum still in me?”

I was so into stroking my cock as she told me how they'd gone out and had a little dinner and how sexy she felt when she came back and got changed into something sexy for him and how he then undressed her. She then recapped how he seduced her. It was very sexy because she kept looking at me and smiling and when I asked what was going on she said that she wasn't sure about how much detail I wanted to hear but she smiled and giggled at it, "being obvious that you like hearing it". I could almost feel the excitement in her voice at times as she shared some of the more graphic details including how she had her first orgasm of the night while they were kissing and he had his fingers in her pussy.

Needless to say, by the time she got to telling me about them fucking, I was ready to blow and it didn't take too much more of her telling me how his cock feels inside her that I exploded and drenched myself in spurt after spurt.

It was afterwards that I really felt what I think we'd both wanted to feel. After she helped me clean up we both got changed. She put on her night-shirt and me my boxers and t-shirt and we spooned up in bed watching TV. I so loved that time with her, knowing she'd been sexually fulfilled by Paul and she'd now made sure I was fully satisfied too and we lay there so close. My cock wasn't totally deflated and she could feel it but we both knew we just wanted to lie there and be close with each other. We kissed several times and she pulled my arms close around her as we spooned. It felt so natural to hear her tell me she loves me and for me to tell her the same.

We talked a little bit while we lay together in bed and she told me again that she hoped all of this was going to be okay for me and that she hoped 'sharing' as she's calling it, will help ease my desires. It was my turn to laugh a bit and I held her and told her that as long as I still felt close to her somehow that I was sure it would be okay. She held me tightly and told me that she knew that even though it's something that she knows that I want to do that she also knows it's something that isn't easy and will likely be uncomfortable for me at times. I can tell from how she was talking that she was also looking for some assurance from me and when I wrapped my arms more tightly around her and whispered that I would always be here for her she sighed and snuggled back into me. Even without words, there was no doubt how she felt next to me.


I knew from the last time that she 'shared' with me that she needed assurance that I wasn't only not going to have sex with her, that she also knew that I also wouldn't touch her unless she specifically asked me to do so. We'd talked that she wanted to make this be like how it will be starting next week.

I have to admit it was even more arousing than the last time. She seemed much more relaxed and more able to talk to me and tell me about her and Paul. She knew that it titillated me to hear her tell me all about it. What really turned me on was how I could tell how comfortable she is with him. She told me how he took off her panties and just how she said it, I could almost see it in my head him revealing her bare pussy that was likely already wet. If that wasn't enough she told me how he kissed his way up each leg from her ankle upwards until she told me she could feel her pussy was totally drenched by the time he finally licked her!

When I finally did cum, as I said, she again commented and even I had to agree that I seem to be cumming a lot these days. I was actually kind of proud of just how much when she pushed it all into a puddle around my navel and then began to play with it between her fingers. There was this kind of seething sexual sound to her voice when she again said how it turned her on to see my cock and now my cum and to know that it's not in her!.

I know that now and especially in the days and weeks after this Sunday that I do need to be aware of Paul and whether things are changing. She hasn't said what she's telling him other than what she has already, that I enjoy a certain aspect of denial and that I enjoy knowing the two of them are fucking.

I expect over time that she may reveal more; maybe not. That too will be something I watch for and am aware of.


Surprise, surprise for me last night! She did not go see Paul after work as I'd expected, instead she came home after work and said that, "the evening is ours" and, yes, continuing the surprise we had pretty passionate sex last night after all! If she really does want to let go, I didn't see much sign of it last night. As I said, she was quite passionate including spending a lot of time sucking my cock!

I asked her several times if she really wanted to do this (have sex last night) and it led to a bit of a discussion where she said that she wanted to make sure things were really good between us going into and for this weekend. I told her I was surprised that she wanted to still be with me and she hugged me and explained that "it's not like that" and that it's not like she doesn't want to have sex with me but that she admits she is very turned on about "not having sex with YOU" meaning me. She told me how she finds herself very turned on seeing my hard cock and knowing that she won't be fucking it and she said to me that she also wants to get past where she feels almost guilty if I'm really hard that she feels like she needs to have sex with me even if she really wasn't in the mood for it. I told her that I'd never wanted her to feel that way and she immediately replied that it's not (just) me but that it's her too; that it's her that feels almost guilty 'as your wife' not having sex with me.

That's what she hugged me and said she wants to try to 'reset between us'. She turned and kissed me and I think I even saw a tear in her eye and as I held her I told her that maybe in my own way that's maybe what my beta thing was all about too, wanting her to have that control again. I said it somewhat to make her feel better but also because it may have some truth to it. She really smiled though when I told her a second later that, "it really turns me on that you're going to deny me though... and that Paul will be 'taking care of you' that way".

She was all aglow when she opened the nightstand and pulled out a condom and handed it to me. As I rolled it onto my obviously hard cock she was all smiles and as I tossed the foil-wrapper she had this Cheshire-cat smile and when I asked her why she was smiling she said that she was just thinking that we have 3 more days … then she said it, "and you have 2 more of those to use". Fuck my cock was throbbing as she said it.

We'd been messing around with each other for a while, she was having fun stroking my cock and commenting on how much pre-cum there was and all the while I had my fingers in her pussy. I was half-joking (half-serious in a way) that I was playing with 'Paul’s pussy' which she groaned back at and said, "that's not true" even if it was. I'd also gone down on her and licked and sucked at her pussy but I didn't taste anything really other than her own sweetness but, of course, in my head I could taste the tang of what Paul had left in her.

I climbed onto my knees and spread her legs, she didn't say anything but I could feel right away that she was very wet and very receptive! She pulled her knees way back for me and told me, "enjoy yourself baby, I'll be with you when it's time". From how she said it and how she felt and responded as I pushed into her, I knew she would be.

She didn't tease me or taunt me once we started fucking. It wasn't an urgent physical kind of fuck either and I took my time with her, enjoying that she was quite wet and, yes, savouring every moment of it. From how warm she felt inside to how snugly her pussy would clench down at times as she enjoyed several smaller orgasms as I built my desires up and struggled to stay in control. I loved looking down and seeing her legs spread for me this time but at the same time, I know that I absolutely loved knowing that Paul had been there and would soon be in her just where I was too.

Like all good things, the need continued to rise and her response continued to increase. At one point I held her knees back so they were almost squeezing her tits and her pussy was totally raised up and *******. She squealed in pleasure as I pulled her knees together increasing the tightness in her pussy, spreading her far apart and feeling her pussy gape open inside, it was just so intense. Yes, my god, I wished I could have felt her bare instead of through the condom, but I could feel it and it was still the huge turn on. She knew it, she could feel my cock grow even more and she began to say things to me, short things to tweak me and get me off but when she mentioned, " … 2 more times baby, make this one really good" that sort of did it to me. While I was trying to be calm and slow and passionate, hearing her taunt me, I suddenly felt the urge and need rise. She knew what she was doing and she responded by pulling her knees back and moaning, "… fuck me baby, come on....". I felt her pussy gush with sudden wetness as if she was having the Big 'O' and, as I felt it, I let loose!

When we were done and had both caught our breath, when I went to pull out of her I remembered about her comment about how horny I seem to always be and how much I seem to be cumming these days. Last night was no different, amazingly even after jerking off with her the night before, I was pathetically proud of how full the tip of the condom was. She smiled as she pulled it off of me and while she didn't say anything to me, it was obvious from how she was pinching and playing with it that she was having the same thoughts. She put a knot in it and tossed it next to the bed and as she pulled me down next to her she giggled and said something about "not having to deal with that mess" which I think now is her own way of revalidating what we're doing.

Either way, we giggled as we both went into the bathroom naked and washed up and got ready for bed. In bed, she surprised me by staying naked and letting me cuddle up behind her. She giggled that I was, "getting chubby again already" and reached between her legs to let my cock lie comfortably against the length of her pussy but not in it. She even put my hand on her breast as we lay together and watched TV.

When I woke up this morning I was still naked but she had, sometime during the night, put on her night-shirt.

So, I’m sitting here right now trying to get my journal updated while enjoying this awesome next-morning post-sex feeling and am very much looking forward that I'll have this with her for the weekend.


I've been swapping email with a pen-pal friend and he's pointed out to me that Suzanna has likely already disconnected from bare-sex with me and that her casual tying off of the condom and again reference to me not cumming in her may be something that outlives our full-denial.

That got me to thinking that she's made comments about it before including the two she has sometimes made that, "many couples use them all their lives" and that, "my sister still uses them". Did I miss this or has this already become a fait-accompli; have I really already possibly given up cumming in her; Ever?

I can't explain how I feel about this other than it makes me sad and wickedly aroused at the same time that perhaps she's really well into this journey of hers already.


I actually do like the idea of her returning to me to start anew after her fling with Paul comes to an end. In many ways, I actually see all of this hastening the ultimate end of her time with him by accelerating and intensifying it. If anything, the communication and closeness I've felt with her these past few weeks have only further cemented my total faith in her that she isn't looking to run off on me. If anything, I can almost feel us being closer these days, bringing back a lot of the of what our relationship had in it before kids and 'life' caught up with us. I'll almost admit that even I feel a bit pre-occupied with sex (more so in the past few years because of the obvious reasons of her boyfriends and my ardour of that situation) and in a way, it will be nice to separate that and get back to the way when we used to talk till wee hours of the morning or how we'd hold hands on a nice walk, something that we've found ourselves doing spontaneously now.

Yes, we surely understand the risks and I recognize that there's likely no going back to plain old vanilla sex. She's even said that she will always want a lover, so we have already changed in response to what we both now find turns us on. Whether I become very conditioned to my right-hand such that weeks or months from now, that I need to re-acclimate to her pussy again, it's weird to say it but I am actually looking forward to that time.

I'm actually laughing right now because I remember I used to use the description of a first-date with a woman as how I felt when Suzanna would return home and I'd not know what I'd find beneath her clothes. I do really remember our first dates. Yeah, we fucked on our first date, but it was mutual, totally mutual, and I really remember that part; not always being sure we'd have sex early on and loving the closeness we found so that when it did turn to sex; that it was pretty awesome. The chance to re-live that is really appealing to me and I think that may be why she's started to emphasize that, because she knows it is something I like to think about.

I am not worried about Paul stealing her away from me. He's had many an opportunity to put that into motion and has not done so. Likewise, they're good together (even I’ll admit it) but I don't see her being comfortable with him 24x7. Let’s face it, after 30 years of happiness together (and yes, it's been happiness, otherwise we couldn't have ever even thought about doing any of this in the first place) I know how she is and what she likes and her dislikes and there are certain things about Paul that I know won't work for her. So, in my head, what's the harm in letting them have their fun?

I am sure anyone can tell that I’m not feeling all anxious today. Indeed, I have my 'glass-half-full hat' on today. Yeah it scares me to give her up sexually, but at the same time, it's something that I definitely do want to continue with, even with my doubts or apprehensions.


I'm a bit upset emotionally right now at things. Seeing her naked this morning seemed to bring me to reality a bit more quickly than I'd thought and the reality that I won't be touching or having her began to sink in big-time. She hugged me and held me for a few minutes and told me it'll be okay and again that if I 'need her' that we'll do what we need to do to make me feel better about things. She kissed me and said that she knew this wasn't going to be easy for me. I'm not sure if she noticed that I had a little tear in my eye at the reality.

Maybe it's just me feeling melancholy and over-thinking it. I am sure I'll need a little time to get used to things and to get comfortable with the knowledge of what we are doing and that it's begun for real.

Last night though, oh my god, those thoughts and memories will surely make it easier. She made it clear to me last night though that she was very much in the mood and quite animated about everything including being very open and up-front. She actually said to me that if I was having second-thoughts, that we didn't have to do it and that we could wait but she told me once again that if I got her started and we started fucking that she didn't want me backing out then, that, "once you start, it's going to happen".


We had sex together on Saturday and I think it was more for me than for her but I know she meant it and I know she was at least a little turned on, if not by the sex, then what it meant as she made it clear that it was my 'next to last condom' several times. I know I felt her cum with me and at the same time she was really into teasing me and telling me that I should 'enjoy myself' and all of that. She was very playful during foreplay and I was pretty surprised that she let me have free reign over her on Saturday and last night too. I supposed she felt that she should let me have and do whatever I wanted so I spent a long long time going down on her and licking her pussy before we got into fucking. I loved making her cum and tasting all of her sweetness and, yes, knowing that Paul was doing the same on her was also was a huge turn-on.

I admit that I didn't think too much about it on Saturday night but last night it did come crashing back. On Saturday night I was too eager to see, touch, feel and do everything with her that I don't think I really spent enough time savouring everything. Although in reality, I don't think there ever could have really been enough time. I know when I did finally cum in her on Saturday that it wasn't until yesterday that it started to hit me that I should have taken more time and savoured every moment.


Yesterday wasn't nearly as easy as I'd hoped. We made quite the afternoon and evening out of it and Suzanna was very supportive and honest with me about everything. She told me again how this is something she wanted to do and that she also admitted that it turned her on to give me my 'beta wish' and she told me that she was very turned on by denying me. We talked a bit more about this and she said that she's gotten very used to the idea and the arousal she says she feels by denying me, that it turns her on to know that it turns me on too. That did make me feel better, that my enjoyment of this is still a part of her drive.

I had a passing thought (hope?) that maybe she'd let me have her bare or something like that but that wasn't to be. We actually talked about that a bit more and she asked me if it turned me on that I hadn't cum in her at all this year. When I said yes she asked me how I was going to feel if that continued, maybe even all of this year. She kind of posed it as a question, not as something that she was necessarily thinking, but I know better how her mind works and I told her that it really turned me on to know it and in response she told me that she knew that my continued acceptance of that was something that really demonstrated that I wanted all of this.

It was a night when we both knew we had to be honest and open with each other and I told her honestly that it turned me on so much to give that to her and she glowed that, "I know it turns you on every time you used a condom with me". She knew exactly how to play me and she looked at me and said, "I am so wet thinking that tonight might be the last one you use".

As I said, we talked pretty openly and I think she was surprised that I was still so turned on and 'up' about what we were about to do. I told her that it had turned me on for a long time that we were going to do this. I told her that I knew it wasn't going to be easy but that I did want to do it and I even came out and said that I wanted to 'give her up' to Paul.

She was very happy that I was so excited about what we were doing and the more we talked, the easier it became to tell her what was on my mind. I let my inhibitions go and I opened up a bit more and I told her that I was really turned on that I hadn't cum in her in over 3 months now. She was all aglow when I opened up about that and I told her in no uncertain terms that I liked knowing she's had so much of his stuff in her and she told me that she liked very much how it made her feel to know that only her boyfriend was doing that with her. She must have recognized my change in being more open because she started to tell me again how sexy it makes her feel when she thinks about that and how it makes her feel things for Paul. She must have seen my expression change because she immediately added, "by that I mean it makes me very horny for him baby, nothing more". She smiled when she saw me smile.

It was sort of unsaid that we both wanted to make it as romantic a night as we could and to get things started we did open our first bottle of champagne about 7pm as we got ready to have a nice dinner together. We dimmed the lights a bit and even lit some candles to enhance the mood and ambiance. I so loved staring at her over dinner and devouring her with my eyes. And I realized that we can still do all of this in the future even if we don't get into bed afterwards and I have to say that knowledge really stuck with me over dinner. Even though I was wicked horny to fuck her again I'd become very aware of all of the other parts of our lives and times together; how she looked and how nice it was to share a glass of champagne with her and look into her eyes across the table.

It was after dinner that the sexiness ramped up as did the uneasiness.

After dinner and into our 2nd bottle of champagne we both were feeling quite at ease and looking forward with what we were about to do. When we went up to the bedroom she told me I should take as long as I wanted with her and that we had the whole night to enjoy each other. It felt a bit surreal as we got comfortable on the bed and began to get amorous. While she may have had her mind focused on Paul, I could feel her body was responding quite nicely to my touches as I undressed her. She told me to go as slowly as I wanted and I found myself taking her top off but caressing and playing with her breasts outside her bra and I was so turned on by it. She helped me by lifting her body off the bed as I reached behind to unclasp her bra.

I know I was trembling at some points as it really sank in at that it might be one of the last times I get to hold, caress, lick and suck at her breasts. She wasn't shy about letting me go to town and I know that she responded as I could feel her body move and hear her moans as I sucked at her nipples. She giggled and teased me about 'enjoying them' and I knew very well what she meant.

I admit I got a bit over eager and pulled at her pants to take them off leaving her in just her panties before me. She lewdly spread her legs and I could see she was excited as the crotch of her panties was visibly wet! I was down to my boxers but she wasn't touching me, she'd told me that she knew if she did that I'd not last very long … and besides, "this is your last turn with me so you should have your fun". Damn, did that make me crazy?

We kissed and talked more with her telling me many times that she loved me and that she wanted this to be good for me, for us, and she repeated again that if I ever felt it was too much .... I was trembling as I ran my hands over her body and down her sides until I felt her panties. When I slid my hands back up she felt me tug at the waistband and I was so hard sticking out of my boxers as she raised her hips to let me slide her panties off.

My mind was a mess but I had one clear thought, the biggest one, that this might be the last time I take her panties off for me to have sex with her! As I slid them off her ankle she lay back and had no qualms about letting me see all of her. She could see I was obviously so turned on at the scene that was unfolding before us and when she lay back against the bed she motioned for me to come over and onto her and give me a hug and said, "have your fun honey". That was all I needed to hear. I went back to her breasts and sucked at them more and then, as if pulled by some invisible force, I just had to move down her stomach.

Her hairless pussy was on display to me and her swollen lips were parted before I even got there, nonetheless, I ran my tongue up from the very bottom up one and then the other side of her pussy; between the inner and outer lips and when I pulled back I loved what I saw, she had opened up and all of her pink glory was now visible. A second later I plunged my tongue deep into her and licked and sucked as if I were starving. She squealed and I felt her hand on my head which made me feel really good to know she was very into it too. I licked and probed with my fingers and in almost no time I could hear and feel her next orgasm approaching. I loved that she let me bring her to it orally with my tongue buried in her pussy and as she came I could taste and feel her body as she gave into the pleasure I was giving her.

I will admit that it almost brought a tear to my eye as I accepted that I may not do or feel that with her again but, at the same time, my god, was my cock raging hard! I sucked and licked all of the sweetness I could from her pussy and only then did I come to the awareness that it was now or never.

Suzanna and I had talked and she told me that once we got started and once I got into her this 'last time' that she didn't want me to stop and that it would mean to her that I was ready for it. I couldn't control my emotions and was shaking like a leaf as I pulled away from her wet open pussy and saw she had a glow on her face as she handed me my last condom to use with her. I was shaking so bad that I could barely open it so she took it back and tore the foil with her teeth and she had an ear to ear smile as she extracted the rubber from the package. She held it as she watched me pull off my boxers and I know she could see I was on the verge of crying as she handed it back and my struggle to put it on.

She sat up and hugged me and kissed me and said, "it'll all be okay baby, just let it happen" and when she rolled the condom on even I could feel that my cock was absolutely huge! She lay there with her legs spread and handed me the lubricant and asked me to use some to make sure she didn't get sore as, " … I want to be there at the end with you baby".

So, literally with a tear rolling down my cheek, I rubbed my cock against her pussy and I pushed slowly into her. No, I didn't lose it right away but I will admit my hopes at maybe having her bare or at least feeling her bare one last time were dashed. At the same time, in a way, it only seemed right to me that I not cum in her and I knew that if she'd let me in her bare, that I likely wouldn't have been able to resist. Instead, I pushed into her ever so slowly trying to feel every inch of her pussy as it swallowed my cock. I went so slowly at her that even she got up on her elbows to watch as my cock slid into her and she cooed at me, "it's okay baby, I want you to enjoy it"…

.. and enjoy it I did. My god, did she feel hot and wet inside, even through the condom and while I did start out slowly the sensations and the thoughts of her coaxing and teasing me got to me and I couldn't help myself but push in harder. Even now I kick myself for not taking longer but I know at the time, the feelings and thoughts consumed me that I just had to feel her.

She grunted out loud when I became more and more forceful with her including her lifting her body so that, in a sense, it was her fucking me as the whole length of my cock went in and out of her. She came at least twice as we fucked her, no hiding that, and yes, as she squealed I was reminded that only Paul will be feeling that in the future. I had to change thoughts quickly or I was going to cum far too quickly!

She moaned with me and told me how good I felt but also told me how she couldn't wait to feel Paul, "really make me cum". That stung but she knew it and she could feel it too as each time she'd say something like that I'd react and fuck her harder and deeper. Until, right up until I couldn't take it any longer.

I think I was crying as I felt my final orgasm approaching; I felt Suzanna hug me tightly; I thrust deep into her and I held it there, with her legs wrapped around me holding me tight. Through the moans I heard her say, "come on baby …. one last time baby …"

Oh god, that did it. Fuck, did I cum! I felt at least 6 or 7 stiff jets of spunk as I held deep in her and then, my god, the last few strokes just made both of us shake in pleasure. I lay against her afterwards catching my breath and I caught myself as I felt my cock starting to shrink. I got up on my elbows and continued to push in and out of her fighting against deflating and, thank you God, it worked!

I kept hard for a few more minutes and even thought I might get one more round with her but as I kept at it, my stamina gave out and even now I have this empty feeling at remembering how my cock felt when it started shrinking in her this 'last time'. Just before it got too small she leaned up on one elbow and with her other hand she reached down and took hold of my cock grasping the condom. She looked up at me and just said, "it's time baby....." and then " …. pull off of me one last time while you're still a little hard baby....". I like to think that her voice sort of cracked too at saying that but there are no words to describe the feeling that swept over me as she pulled me out of her pussy.

I knelt back on my ankles and sort of slumped there. She sat up and pulled the condom carefully off of my cock and held it up. She didn't say it, she didn't need to, I'd cum a LOT! She giggled and tied it in a knot and then held it in her hand and she told me how incredibly sexy it made her feel to know what we had done.

I was quite emotional afterwards but she was really supportive. She hugged me and again told me it'll be okay and that we'll find ways to be close and make it work.

I was surprised when I actually slept pretty well last night.


This morning was difficult but not quite terrible. I did see her in the shower and as I stood there I watched her raise one leg and shave it and then run the razor across her pussy mound. She looked up at me and asked me, "what?"

I didn't say a word I just felt an ache inside seeing her and realizing what I've given up.

I think I’m still kind of numb about it all although today doesn't seem much different other than the knowledge of what has been put into motion. Our son is due home any time now for just tonight and he'll be leaving tomorrow to go visit some friends up in PA until Thursday so tomorrow is when things will get uncomfortable as of now Suzanna is planning on spending the night with Paul tomorrow. I have a feeling that will be when it really hits home what we've done. Right now, I'm strangely aroused by it all and am somewhat looking forward to seeing and experiencing this new phase of things.

I'm still trying to get my head around everything and even today, I've found myself feeling sudden bouts of remorse and questions … which contrasts intensely with the huge dripping hard-on I've had all day long and how horny I feel about everything.

One thing is for sure. I am a cuckold.


Last night was actually pretty nice. She said to me that she hoped she didn't have to change how she 'behaves' around me by which she meant getting changed, washing, showering, etc.

I told her that I had never expected her to change anything and, sure enough, she did let me watch her get changed last night including stripping down naked before she pulled on her night-shirt and climb into bed with me. We did snuggle and it did feel really nice. She definitely responded in kind and I have to say, it felt really comfortable lying next to her.


Our son came home yesterday afternoon and we had a nice ****** dinner together which was relaxing and felt quite normal. We stayed up a little later than usual hanging around with our son and catching up on his news and college gossip. He will be gone by the time we get home from work today as he's going to Philadelphia for a few days to visit other friends. As he said, "why would I stay home on my spring break


This morning wasn't so easy. My god, did my cock get hard at seeing her getting out of the shower and the usual standing around naked as she primped in front of the mirror and picked out what she'd both be wearing and taking with her tonight. Granted, she pulled on a pair of panties before continuing with her morning routine but even with that, I still couldn't help staring at her breasts in the bathroom mirror. She saw my obvious hard-on and after she'd put her bra on she came over and hugged me and said that she loved seeing my erection and said, " … it told me you liked what we're doing". So I guess that's my tell and there is no hiding it.

She packed a nice dress for tomorrow and again some sexy undies for later tonight. Before she left she came over to me and gave me another hug and asked me if I'd be 'taking care of things' tonight.

I joked with her that I might have to do so this morning before I left for the office. She giggled, hugged me again and said she loved me and then she said it, "thank you for letting me do all this".


After staying late at work, I'm home now and feeling much more stoic about it all. Now that 'it is done' so to speak, it is such a turn on to think of her with him tonight. I know that I'll miss intercourse with her, but with the intensity of the weekend now behind me and the memory fading a bit more, I have to say that I am still finding this to be very much what I want. I think the angst is passing and now been replaced by arousal at it all.

Time to get some dinner together and find a movie on TV or something before coming back here later and getting myself all horned up before going to bed.


She got home a while ago and while we haven't talked much yet other than the obligatory over-dinner of 'how-was-your-day' stuff. She's now catching up with her mom and sister on the phone but she did already tell me that, "we are going to have some fun later".

I am incredibly turned on to hopefully hear how she felt last night with him knowing she was truly his sexually. She surely has the appearance of having been well pleasured.


I'm well aware of balancing my masturbation desires so I don't go too far and can't come back to the 'real thing' but at the same time, I really do want to feel the desire build in me for her and to see and know she is his sexually for now. I want to feel the desire to seduce her and strip her naked and play with and enjoy her body but at the same time to know that I can only enjoy feeling that desire and not fulfil it.

So far, the thought of not fucking her for the near future has me very aroused. In a way (at least for me) it does feel like she was kind of weaning me down in recent weeks anyway; our sexual fun had reduced either naturally or through both of our desires so I'm not sure, at least not right now, whether I am going to feel the angst returning just yet or whether that won't occur until my desires rise even more.

That is so what I want to feel. I so want to look at the pictures of her and feel the longing for me to feel her, penetrate her and cum in her again. That desire isn't there right now, the need to be denied that with her is paramount for me right now. We are already under-way, it's too late to turn back so I am taking the attitude to embrace it and enjoy it as best and as much as I can.


It’s the first Wednesday night since our big-decision.

Sure enough about 10pm or so Suzanna came up to me and suggested that, "maybe you want to join me in the bedroom for a little while?”

Now the one thing that surprised me already even before my update last night that I should have mentioned was that I got a very nice kiss and embrace when she came home and when we went up into the bedroom she surprised me again by the kind of kiss and embrace we shared. I kept my arms around her shoulders and back as we kissed; she hugged me back and our kiss was very intense. I could tell she wasn't trying to make it sexual, she wasn't grinding herself against me but it was definitely a passionate kiss and hug.

We talked for a few minutes and she told me that she liked how things had been last Wednesday and that she hoped things would be the same.

I told her I did too.

With that she smiled and watched me as I started to undress down to my boxers. I was half-hard already as I lay on the bed and I returned her stares. Still smiling she said that I could watch as she unbuttoned her top, slipping it off to be followed by her pants. I groaned to see her in different underwear than the day before and I got so hard at thinking about it all. She smiled as she lay on the bed next to me and asked me if I wanted her to undress more. I struggled to say "yes" and she smiled and said that I should think about Paul and her the night before when he had unclasped her bra and let her breasts come into view.

She slipped the bra from her shoulders and I felt an incredible ache at seeing them and knowing she was doing it to tease me as I knew that she didn't want me to touch them, but at the same time knowing Paul had likely enjoyed them really turned me on. She giggled as she saw my response and then smiled as she looked at me and said, "you can see the rest" and she started to slip off her panties! Again, just seeing her nakedness appear and knowing I couldn't touch her or have her drove me so crazy and yet turned me on so much that I thought I might cum when she slipped her panties off her foot and tossed them to one side.

I thought she might start to tell me about her and Paul but instead she asked me, "so, how does it feel to look but not touch?”


That's another book filled and writing that account down has me flustered enough to have to do something to relieve my frustration before I begin another!