Journal of a Journey - Book 95

The thing I didn't mention in the previous book is that she also mentioned how she is liking how close we feel these days. She even mentioned the night before how she loved being able to snuggle in with me and, even with feeling my hard-on, knowing she didn't have to have sex with me or even let me touch her; that she said she could have both, her time with Paul and then with me. She seemed to really enjoy that and said, "Didn't you enjoy just being able to lie next to me last night and really just hold me?”

I had to agree with her, even though I was horny and knew what she'd been doing. As I said, not doing it with her also felt nice and she did feel very relaxed.

She told me she knew that was going to continue to increase and then she said something that kind of touched me. She said that all of that is reminding her about all of what she fell in love with all those years ago; things that I hadn't noticed until she pointed them out; that we talk a lot now about everything and that we go and do things together that are really fun and we're so in sync. She kept going about how good she felt about US. It was really nice to hear her being so genuine, I couldn't find a doubt of her honesty with me.

Going back to something else Suzanna had said about Paul when I asked, she said, "he wants the sex, not a girlfriend".

She suggested that I even talk to him myself … if I wanted to.

I asked if he considered their dinners out to be dates; she came back at me and asked, "is it a date if I went to dinner with a girlfriend or my sister?!" which was a bit of a non-answer.

As we talked she did continue to mention how good the sex is with him and she complimented me on how I've been okay about it as she wasn't sure how I'd feel. I told her that it was hard when it happened with Robert and she was so into sex with him, but I then admitted that it turned me on and that I thought deep inside that maybe that was also something she'd wanted and needed.

We'd moved back up to the bedroom as our talk continued. It'd become obvious that I was getting very horny and to be honest, she'd said so much of what I'd hoped I'd picked up on as well as what she'd been able to explain about herself that it really became something I think I understood about her now. As if so many things had come into focus all at once. She turned to me and hugged me and kissed me and said something to the effect of, " … despite the great sex with him, you are my 'one and only' husband".


I wasn't totally sure what was going on when we lay on the bed but she turned, looked at me and said that she wanted me to tell her again that this is what I wanted; that after Easter weekend that I want her to only be sexual with Paul and not me.

I asked a bunch of questions like, "what about kissing?"

She said we'd still kiss and it can still be passionate but not too passionate. She said that she would let me know if and when she wanted any sexual attention from me and then said stuff like, " …. that includes feeling my breasts and my butt and grinding yourself into me". Then she giggled and said that it was okay when we were spooning up at night and that she understood that. She actually smiled at me and said, "I love feeling that you know" and I knew what she meant, that she knew it told her how I felt without any words being needed.

She looked at me and said, "can now be a trial of how it will be?" I suddenly realized what she was asking and nodded my head saying 'yes', I think probably too eagerly. She giggled and then said, "okay baby" and told me how while I masturbate, that she'll tell, and show me more. Needless to say my pants were down in a flash and she loved that I was so hard already from this talk.

She moved back away from me and she said that it's been a long time since she's felt comfortable doing this and with that she undid her top and took it off leaving her with just her bra and her pants on. She sat there and told me how Paul liked kissing her neck and, as she ran her fingers down her cleavage above her bra, ".. down here". She unclasped the bra and pulled it off leaving her topless and me eagerly staring while stroking my cock harder. She told me how he likes to suck at her breasts and play with her nipples and giggled at how he knows that makes her get wet.

She held her breasts in her hands and caressed them and pulled at her own nipples and seemed to get lost in the moment. She opened her eyes a second later and said, "are you okay with this?"

I eagerly nodded yes.

A moment later she undid the clasp on her pants and slid them down and pulled them off. She told me how she loves it when Paul does that; how, even after all this time, it still turns her on to have him see her panties come into view (in my head I guess they represent the last barrier or something) and how turned on she gets. A moment later she slipped off her panties leaving her lying on her side and her elbow opposite me, naked. As if I could get any harder she looked at me and said I should, "enjoy it while you still have it" and she pointed to her pussy!

She lay back on the bed and proceeded to tell me all about how Paul has sex with her. She ran her hands up and down her body and said, "I'm just going to show you baby, I'm still done from yesterday … " and as she caressed herself, touching the insides of her legs said, "… this is what I was thinking I would share with you in the future".

I admit that for a moment I was totally lost in my head. Here she was, lying here in front of me telling me that all I was going to do was watch and that this was what she was thinking of doing in the future!

I came back to what she was saying as she told me how Paul likes that she's not shy around him and that she doesn't mind. My head was spinning. She was telling me how she felt seeing him undress and I saw her fingers between her legs as she closed her eyes and told me how the shape of his cock is, "so different from yours, it's so hot".

She was literally drifting into a masturbation session and letting me watch her. I was loving it but it was more. She moved, spread her legs more and told me, "you can look baby … " and a moment later, " … it's okay if you want to". She was getting into it and I could tell it was turning her on.

I could barely speak but was still amazed that she was now spreading her legs further and now, as I watched as she gently played with her pussy and rubbed at her clit. I could see it swelling up beneath its hood and I could hear her gasping as she touched the most sensitive parts. Each time she'd gasp, her pussy would pulsate and open.

She opened her eyes and told me as she put her finger in her pussy that, "I'm still wet from yesterday". She pushed her finger all the way in and as she pulled it back out slowly her finger was visibly wet and obviously stringy from what, to my mind, looked like cum.

She saw me looking, no, staring, and she smiled and said how, "it's been almost 12 weeks (she counted!) since you've cum in me" and cooed at how, "sexy that makes me feel". She said in a very sexy voice how she knows that's part of what's making it easier for her to be with Paul, that she likes how it makes her feel closer to him.

I was surprised that she was masturbating but it was obvious she was into it and she was into teasing me about it too. She giggled and spread her pussy with both hands and nothing was hidden as she literally sat there like that and she teased me saying, "you can just look ..... this is where he's been so much .... pretty soon it'll just be for you to look at .... pretty soon it'll just be for Paul to use …!" I was going crazy and was just about to cum when she told me that, " … he likes to lick me and get me really wet before we fuck ..." and then followed by, " … just like you used to!"

That was it, I let out a grunt and even she stopped for a second when she saw rope after rope of cum squirt all over my chest and stomach! As I pulled the last spurts out of me I heard her moan loudly and, just as I'd seen her up in Vermont when she'd come in my room, she again had 3 fingers deep in her pussy as she struggled to bring herself to her own resounding orgasm.

It was kind of fun to both lay there exhausted and out of breath. She was the one who rolled over towards me and kissed me and said she loved me and loved that we could share and do this together and she giggled as she reached for a tissue, not to give to me, but to wipe away all of the wetness and juices that saturated her pussy.

I loved watching her, so comfortable, letting me see her dab her pussy dry and her looking up at me with a knowing smirk. She giggled and said, "so, you'll be okay with me sharing with you like this!” When I nodded she immediately leaned over, kissed me and said, "see, it can be fun and still be sexy even if you don't get to have me".

She giggled once more and said, "I believe this is yours." Before I could ask her what she meant she ran her fingers across my chest, pushing my cum into a puddle, and looked at me and asked, "do you want it?”

I nodded yes as she'd given me tingles all over. She brought 2 fingers to my mouth and said, "it might taste a little like Paul too".


I may have understated was the excitement she had in her voice when she told me about wanting it to be like the 'first time' when we are back together 'after Paul'. She had this genuine sense of anticipation about it saying how erotic it is going to be for the both of us with us taking our time and starting out like it was when we first started dating. She was all aglow when she said she remembered how intense the sex was between us when we first were dating and she half-teased/half-seriously said that it'll be like it was when we first started together. She asked me if I remembered the first time we had sex or the first time I touched her breasts or felt her pussy. It was so erotic to hear her talk about it like that and I admit that it scares me a bit but at the same time makes me so friggin' horny to think of really not 'remembering' what she felt like when we do get back together.

She also said a bit more about how it makes her feel to be doing all of this. She again said that she couldn't imagine feeling this sexually aware and, yes, horny, at this point in her life. She told me how most of her friends and even her sisters all say how uninterested or turned off they are about sex at this age and point in their lives and she giggled that, "if they only knew".

I was tempted to ask her if she'd ever tell anyone her secret but she kept on talking and told me that she had also never felt as aware of her body and her femininity as she does. She was saying a bunch of different stuff about this including how aware she is that only Paul is cumming in her and how that make her feel almost 'special' and how aware of her pussy it makes her, especially when she sees how I am when she shared those thoughts with me.

The other thing Suzanna said is that even she admits that it's a circumstance that may never occur again when the stars, the moons and the planets are aligned just so that we both feel we can let this happen and experience this together. She admits she's scared and hesitant too … but at the same time she can't hide the excitement either!


Partly because she saw him this past weekend and partly due to scheduling, they are only seeing each other once on Thursday this week. I joked with her that by then she'll be quite horny and she hugged me and said, "you never know, you might get lucky before then!” She also said that it won't be till next week then when they see each other again and she asked me if it was going to be okay if they were together more at his place than ours.

I smiled and told her what I'd said long ago, that sometimes not being there is more exciting and I added, "especially if you are willing to share like you did the other day."

If I had to guess I'm hoping she's serious and that'd be once either tonight or maybe tomorrow. I expect to have sex with her again over the weekend and if not during next week then hopefully twice more over Easter weekend as she's also mentioned making that a 'special night' for us.

To be honest, this is the first time I've actually 'counted' that way and, wow, I am actually a bit speechless right now as I'm writing and realize that I likely have at most 4 more times to have intercourse with her. That is a bit sobering. I know it sounds weird but, in a way, I really do just want to get on with it; kind of like ripping that band-aid off instead of peeling it off slowly.


Suzanna's said, in her own way, that she doesn't think it's going to last the year out with Paul. I can't be specific about her reference but I know it's quite clear. Still, 9 months is a long time if that's how long it will be.

I quite expect that I won't be invited to feel her body (perhaps she'll allow me to feel her butt!) but she's made it clear that breasts and pussy will likely be off-limits without her initiation or invitation. I understand it, crazy to say, but I think I really do understand what she wants; it's similar to my desires, but with her direction more than mine.

We've never discussed having 'safe-word' but I know from her honesty that if I ever felt that I truly had to have her (and not just from a drunken desire but something dramatic or traumatic or significant that caused me to feel I needed her fully) I have no doubts that she would simply say, "sure honey", I really believe that.

My reasons for believing that is that she continues to emphasize to me is that she wants to know that this is what I want to have happen.

So, for now, I really do want to see her give herself fully sexually to him and, yes, to deny me. At the same time I know that if I didn't feel enjoyment or was truly miserable about what was happening, then that motivation for her would disappear and she would know that when she goes to meet him that instead of arousing me and turning me on, that it was hurting me. If she thought I was unhappy then I truly believe she wouldn't be able to or want to go to him.

It may be a cavalier way of thinking about it but, at the same time, this how we've spoken to each other and what we've both expressed. She wants to work things out sexually and this is an opportunity to tweak many things all at once that we've also agreed about, even if we have some slight misgivings, and that this situation may never occur again.

I do honestly believe her; what she says; what she wants and how she feels.


Suzanna came to me last night early on and handed me a condom and smiled and made it clear she wanted sex with me. I was surprised and she hugged me and said that even though she's off to stay with Paul tomorrow, that before she goes she wanted to 'make love with me'.

I was unsure but, sure enough, when I finished up the work stuff I was doing, she was definitely horny and in the mood. Other than the condom, which strangely I've grown quite comfortable with, she was very amorous and in many ways it felt like a normal 'vanilla' sex night. There was only brief mention of Paul (with the expected results of making both of us even hornier) but as we began to really get into it I actually felt aroused at thinking about not being able to do or have this with her and I have to admit it did make me savour it a bit more, way more than I'd felt back on New Year’s Eve.

Feeling her naked body against mine I was very aware of feeling her breasts and her bare pussy against my body. When she pulled her knees back and gently pushed at my shoulders to signal me to go down on her I loved licking my way down her body. I felt her hard nipples in my mouth and felt her gasp and breathe deeply as I sucked at them. She was quite wet already when I worked my way down to her pussy and I spent a moment just inches from it as I played with her now very erect clit and watched her pussy respond.

We fucked, we made-love and she was horny and when I added a little bit of lubricant, wow, she was incredibly responsive!!! She came several times including some that took her breath away but no, she didn't have the Big-O as she really needs to feel warm cum in her to let herself go into that state.

In the end she insisted on missionary position and again, I loved looking down at her and seeing her waiting for me. I wasn't thinking explicitly about it but we fucked slowly at first and even though she too didn't say anything, I could feel that she was thinking the same as me, from how she responded to me going very slowly in and out of her at first and how we both seemed to want to watch it. She didn't forget to tease me (I suspect in a way to give her that little confirmation) as she said, "turns you on too?" I knew what she meant and I grunted and she felt it.

It wasn't much after that when I felt that familiar urge and she eagerly met my needs. She came just before I did and even through the condom I could feel her pussy flood and spasm which brought me to my ending too.

I won't say it was overflowing but when she pulled the condom off of me even I could see that I really do seem to be cumming a lot more these days. She tied it and held it in her hand for a moment before putting it on the night-stand and then pulling me back towards her to hug and kiss and roll about for a while naked she giggled at, "how clean it is when you use one of them!"

She didn't talk more about staying at Paul’s, I don't think either of us wanted to change the mood.

As we lay together afterwards I asked her what that was all about and she said that she, "that I just wanted to really be with you".

I didn't so much ask but sort of said, "what are you thinking about for the future", implying the question of whether she'd be doing this again with me and, by extension, what else she was thinking.

It wasn't a big serious conversation but she held me tight and said that, "we'll see".

I mentioned, "you know, my birthday, that sort of stuff".

She looked at me and said that she can't say for sure but that for right now, she wants to truly feel us disconnect sexually. She held me and said, "it'll be good for us.... and fun..." When she saw that I was asking for her to be more specific she added, " … well, I don't know if we'll be doing 'this' for a while" and I knew she meant full sex even with condoms.

She hugged me and said that, "I'm sure that we'll make special occasions special in their own way … " and added " … we can be close without you being in me." That was all we really talked about.

She's already said we'll still have our usual Wednesday night fun. Knowing her, it'll never be 100% but will rather be when she wants it as I'm already seeing. I'll try to ask her more when I see her tomorrow afternoon.


Wow, what a rush, and now I'm getting used to the fact that she won't be home for another 36 hours!

We both got up a bit early this morning. I couldn't help staring at her as we'd slept nude together and she giggled at seeing I was hard again this morning. She got in the shower first and I joined her and we hugged and talked. She giggled at me still being hard and she smiled as she turned to rinse her hair and said, "you'll can think of Paul with me tomorrow morning" as she bent over and shook her butt at me while she rinsed her hair.

She turned back to me and saw that I was just standing there frozen still. She smiled and said, "hand me my razor please". When I did she had no qualms about raising her leg up onto the side of the shower and shaving her legs and then as I watched she deliberately ran the razor over her pussy mound, again as if it were nothing at all.

My cock was throbbing as she traded places with me and I took my turn to get washed as she stood back and started to dry herself. She stepped out before I finished washing and was already primping in front of the mirror as if I wasn't there. She stood there naked and I admit that it is starting to get to me that she may just continue this kind of behaviour which will drive me crazy!

She left the bathroom before I did and when I came back to the bedroom she had a small overnight bag on the bed and she was in front of her dresser, still naked. She saw me in the mirror and smiled at me and turned to show me what underwear she was going to take to wear on Friday. Nothing sexy but still, that she was going to be getting dressed with him and would be putting them on was a huge turn-on.

She showed me the long floaty-dress she was going to bring; it was hanging on the bedroom door. Before I could comment she turned and picked up some stuff from in the bag and said, "oh, what do you think about this for later tonight?" and showed me a sexy teddy/pantie set which, for some reason, made me blush, that it turned me on that she was showing it to me.

I noticed that she wasn't taking a night-t-shirt and figured that she'd be sleeping nude with him like she'd done with me. I realized that she was likely going to share a repeat of our last 12 hours together with him today.

We talked a little as we ate breakfast and she again was concerned about whether I'll be okay. I told her it will be fine, that I hoped I'll be able to get more used to it. She hugged me and kissed me (and yes, felt my cock was hard, yet again) and she said she loved me and that she loved what we were 'embarking on' and promised me that we're going to have a 'nice weekend together'.

And so it's kind of a weird feeling to know that I won't see her now again for another 30+ hours.....


She just texted me that she's leaving work and told me that I can call her or text her if I need anything tonight and that she'd see me tomorrow. Fuck, my cock is rock hard right now knowing where she's heading...

Going to bed wasn't so bad after relieving myself and having a few beers, but I admit that the mornings without her, knowing where she is, are the hardest. Getting out of the shower was when I felt it most as she's usually prancing around the bedroom and just thinking that she's doing that with Paul this morning has me hard again even after my self-abuse last night!


That's this notebook filled already. Didn't realise when I bought this batch that they had so few pages. Never mind, I'll find something better for the next 'instalment'