Journal of a Journey - Book 93

I’m thinking that I may have been a little overbearing and even cramping their style when we were away on our last ski weekend, always being there whenever they were fucking and not giving them sufficient private time as a good beta cuckold should; being cautious about invading their space.

I’m thinking that perhaps it may be time for me to welcome Paul into our home, let him know that I will be 'out' for the evening and will not be back until, "Oh, let's say, 1AM." At which time I will go and stay in the basement bedroom (our son’s) the rest of the night and assuring Suzanna and Paul, that they have the rest of the house privately to themselves, until the next morning when we are up making breakfast.

I don't get that feeling from Suzanna that I may be over-thinking how Paul might have felt and maybe how it confused him a bit more? At the time it really was Suzanna leading the way and I thought, taking her lead in her wanting things to be more explicit or more in general, but maybe I misread that? Not sure.

It was her who was encouraging me to watch them and to masturbate as I knelt alongside; to come and shoot my load. It wasn't like I was near them and came all over the place; it was on the bedspread, not the blankets or sheets. No matter, I can see maybe he's not comfortable with what's going on and I don't mind apologizing for intruding. Maybe I can make that part of greeting him as he is coming over again this Saturday.

Thing is, the other parts of what I didn't get to was that she'd like to change the schedule with him. We talked about that for a while, she said that while she loved being with him at our place, she recognizes it's also pretty intrusive on our lives together. She said she'd like to see him somehow for two nights during the week and she'd like to start staying over again too. It was how she said it that really struck me, as if it were just something commonplace.

I can't recall the exact words she used but she said some things to me that led me to believe that this isn't going to last all that long. Something she said about the summer and, "not sure of what will be" and it wasn't meant in context about me, it was definitely about Paul. Now maybe it's me reading into things but I am seeing this as maybe the start of the split between them; or at least the first cracks.

From the way I see it, Suzanna liked the time away skiing and from how she's been with me and how she's referred to things when we talk about them, that she really liked it. She still teases me about liking 'watching me that night' and how seeing me so turned on was hot for her. When she spoke of spending the night with him, she fondly mentioned wanting to 'pack a few things to leave there' and how she said it was obvious it was meant for my benefit, at least to me.

Do I think that I should maintain a truer beta role though? Not sure, again, she's only said that it turns her on to know I’m there but hasn't really said much more other than that, all she'll say is that it's all just mixed up to her when he's fucking her. Funny, because I would have been content with what I'd expected from the weekend, to hear a lot but to see very little of them together.


Paul will be here soon and, yes, he's spending the night. Suzanna and I talked and she told me that she liked what we'd done while away skiing, all of it. She also told me that he was, as I surmised, uncomfortable with me being so on top of them. I accepted that to be true and I suppose that now, here, in our house, where we have a lot more room that I should give them a lot more room than they had when we were away.

But the big thing we talked about was my beta-wishes and whether they are really what I want. I said yes and she said that was good because she wanted to feel like she could let things escalate with Paul. She admitted that he's wanted more time with her and that's part of the thoughts for two week-nights rather than a rushed Saturday night like these have become.

What she did say was that she was thinking of starting in this direction sooner than she'd thinking and she mentioned that, “.. I want to enjoy it before the kids get home for the summer". She hugged me and asked me if I was ready.

I knew what she was asking and I told her that we needed to talk about it. Her response to that was like a giddy little kid when I added, "I'm not saying no, I just think we need more than just an afternoon to talk about it". She kissed me and hugged me and said that I was right and that she was just caught up in being excited about Paul coming over tonight and she admitted she'd missed him.

All that discussion occurred during our drive home. Now we're home and right now she's downstairs cleaning things up in eager anticipation. I told her I was horny already and she giggled and said that I would have time later to enjoy myself when she was doing the same.

I'm so hard right now waiting for him to get here. She has on a pair of silky pink panties and a matching bra that has a nice lacy top, sexy but not slutty. She's wearing a button-up blouse and a very-easy-to-remove skirt.

I'm on edge right now pacing the floor waiting for him to get here.


They're downstairs right now watching what I regard as a 'Chick Flic', one of Suzanna's favourites 'The Thomas Crown Affair' with Pierce Brosnan. I have to admit that the sex scenes with Rene Russo ARE very arousing, for sure. It always makes her very wet watching.

She said I should feel free to watch them later tonight but she admitted that Paul is more comfortable when he's not so aware of me being there. I shared with her that I thought he sort of enjoyed 'showing off' to me while he was fucking her. She said that he did, but that he needs to get more used to it.

I’m kind of on pins-and-needles right now waiting for him to seduce her but I wanted to give them some alone time too. Yes, it's possible they'll fuck right there in the den on the couch so I want to be around in case things get started. I am so horny I can't wait to jerk-off.

It's a moment like this that, and it sounds crazy to admit it, but I really do want to jerk-off tonight and I think even if she offered me seconds that I might actually turn her down. Can't explain it but it is how I feel.


He left about an hour ago and Suzanna is now in the shower so I only have a little bit of time right now to relate how the evening/night went.

They looked like two teenagers on the couch when I peeked in, half watching the movie but kissing passionately, her top unbuttoned and bra unclasped and pushed up and out of the way and his hand in her panties while she had his cock in her hand stroking it. It so reminded me of teenagers making out furiously.

He didn't fuck her in the Den. They watched the movie play out and I kept out of the way as they then went upstairs to our bedroom. I waited until they had gone up the stairs then I followed and watched them mostly through the doorway. Once they were really into it I entered the bedroom and kept a discrete distance before going closer and watch them fucking. There was no doubting that she was really warmed up from them watching the movie together.

What was a little different last night was that he really got her to a huge orgasm before he was ready and then, it was just so erotic to hear her say, "it's your turn now" groggily when she caught her breath, and to then see him fuck her the way he wanted for his own pleasure. She just lay there and it was totally him including pushing her legs far back and the two of them (well, all 3 of us!) watching him fucking her.

It was really erotic for a few minutes as I could tell he was really getting himself worked up. I stayed through when he came and, I can't explain it, but I like being there when he does cum in her. To hear it happening stings and twists my stomach but at the same time, hearing her deep moan as she can obviously feel him cum, hearing him grunt, it gets me so horny to know what he's doing in her and to know what she's feeling.

It was hot seeing her just letting him fuck her any way he wanted. It was mostly missionary but one time he did roll her on to her side and straddled her leg for a bit while he held her other leg up in the air; so hot to see her spread wide for him like that. Afterwards he pulled out and I could see that fat knob of his shiny with his cum that was also dribbling out of her. There was no doubting that he had shot a big load into her. I left them alone and went down to the basement.


I'm full of mixed feelings right now. I only saw Paul briefly in the kitchen before he left and we didn't say much to each other. Suzanna came down wearing just a robe and gave him a peck to say goodbye.

We didn't talk more yet but I think she wants to let this go further with Paul. I'll see if I can get her to confirm it but from what I see, I just have a feeling she knows this isn't going to be long lived. It's just something about how she's talked about 'after the kids getting home'. Now, to me, it makes sense that she might want to ramp things up a bit while we still have an empty nest. I didn't give it much mind when she first spoke about it and hadn't given it much consideration; she apparently has.

I have to believe her when she tells me she doesn't love him. I don't see any 'Danger Danger' signs of it yet. I've known all along that she wanted to escalate things when she felt it was right and I can clearly see that the sex with Paul has continued to intensify but, unless she's lying, the emotional side remains at a low level. I'm not seeing this as her hope is for this big-full-blown-affair thing; she just wants the sexual intensity that comes with having an affair.

The thing is that I don't know that I’m ready for this just yet though. I mean a part of me definitely would love to hear her tell me that she only wants sex with Paul and that I'm on my own for a while. I can't explain it any more than I couldn't in the past, but I do want to hear her say that and to want it for herself.

I'm really taking my revelation about pressuring her sexually to heart and laying off any attempt at initiating sex with her. I guess maybe it's just part of my wanting to fulfil my beta-desires too, it's weird to say it, but it feels good in a way to not feel I can direct my desires towards her. I still want to (My God, do I ever want to!) but at the same time, it is such a turn on to know that we are not being intimate right now. Seeing her let go with him last night and to see her let him have her as he wanted was really beautiful. She came with him at the end when she felt him finally push deep one last time. I nearly came from watching and hearing them.

She's just getting out of the shower. I heard the water shut off so I'm going to see her.


Our ******** came home yesterday evening so this will likely be a quiet week but last night, as can be imagined, we spent quite a long time talking quite openly.

I'll try to condense down several hours of conversation. First and foremost is that she doesn't think this is going to be a lasting thing with Paul. I smiled at that and she asked what I was smiling at and I told her that I'd thought I'd seen signs of this to which she feigned surprise and said I must be imagining things but then did come out and say that 'there isn't enough between them' to make it something more long-lived. She said again that she doesn't love him. I asked her what Paul is feeling and she admitted that he held some attachment to her but she maintains that he has never said he loves her.

She came out and said 'that this time, for me, it's the sex that I'm into!'. She said she hoped it didn't hurt me too much to know that Paul is definitely better than I am in bed and I told her that I had known that for a while now. She went on and on about it telling me that she never knew she could feel the way he makes her feel. Then she came out and said, ".. that just him cumming in her, that I feel like it's affected our sex together".

I told her that I was sure it was and told her what I'd 'read online' about it. She giggled and said that she didn't think about that part of it, how it could affect her hormonally and that sort of stuff.

All of that talk obviously led to the discussions about what we both wanted to happen next between us and in her relationship with Paul. Again she asked me about my beta desires, "you know, your beta thing, is that still what you want?"

I told her, yes, that it was something I wanted. We were both very clear on what it is we were talking about because she came out and said that it turns her on to think about doing it, denying me fully. I clarified, that I was happy to know that she will fulfil her sexual desires with Paul and she smiled and said that this was something she found it hard to understand but now sees it better.

She absolutely loved knowing I'd masturbated at being so turned on her with Paul on Saturday night that she said she was beginning to see how this turned me on and that it was something she'd begun to see for herself. She told me again how turned on she felt seeing my cock and, she held my hand as she said it, "knowing I'm not going to fuck it" Just like that.

Her tone turned softer and quieter when she told me that she'd begun enjoying having control of herself sexually and that she couldn't really appreciate everything before as she says she never felt like what was going on was her decisions to make. She said that, now, that she likes how it feels between us when we're lying in bed and stuff where she said again that she really feels like she's finally able to tell me how she felt and that she likes how she doesn't have to always feel on the defensive sexually now.

I apologized for that and she told me it wasn't my fault, that she understood how I felt I 'should' behave and then said that was one of the nice things that she began to recognize as part of my 'beta thing', that some of it had affected her and us. She looked at me and said that, "my desires may be towards Paul right now, but they are going to go back to you when I'm done with him and you're going to really like it".

She proceeded to tell me how she didn't think this was going to be a long-term thing with Paul. She said that he doesn't really appreciate what is going on, but more so, she actually said he is kind of boring at times.

I told her that she shouldn't compare him to me and that after 30 years together, that we have a lot more in common and all of that, but she said that it isn't that. Instead, it's that she just can't seem to find something that they share other than sex and skiing.

I looked at her and asked, "is it that you can't find anything or that you don't want to?"

She looked at me for a moment before answering and then she smiled, pulled me to her and said, "baby, I don't ever want to replace you".

She was quite proud of herself for enjoying sex with Paul without feeling any/much emotionally. Yes, she admitted that she feels something for him, she said she has to in order to let herself really go with him; that she has to feel she can trust him and that overlaps on a lot of other things for her. She told me again how it feels good to say she loves it or even that she loves him during sex but she again told me, " .. it’s just about the sex .. that I love him for what he's doing to me, not because of who he is...". Then she giggled and said that she hasn't remembered feeling like this since back in college, and yes, when we first started to date, where she remembers liking and enjoying sex so much without needing or wanting to feel the emotional part of it.

So, where was it all this talk leading? In the end what she said was that with the kids still away at college that she wanted to 'do more' with Paul before they come home for the summer. She held my hands and came to the point where she asked me if she could become more exclusive with Paul, "… maybe starting in April?”

When I asked her what that meant she softly cupped my cock and balls and said, "it means we won't be having sex together....." and when I didn't reply right away added, ".. it'd mean you'd get to look at me but not have me, at least for a little while". Before I could start to reply she stammered out that right now she feels like she could let herself do this and that the timing is really good to try this out. I still hadn't answered and then she said it, " .. I want to try it with Paul before things take a down-turn … " and emphasised how she doesn't think this will be something that lasts and lasts with Paul.

I asked her again if he wanted her or had any 'designs on her'.

She giggled and she said, "well of course he's joked that he'd like more time with me" but she added that, " … he's never said or done anything to suggest he wants me to leave you, at least not as far as I'm aware!"

She said that mentally (and physically) that before the kids come back home that it'd be the best time for her to see what it really would be like to throw herself sexually at another man and to fully want it with him and not me. The way she aid it seemed like she'd broken through her inhibitions for a bit and she said that she feels like she's ready for this to happen; from how we've talked since before Christmas; that it's sort of inevitable. She looked at me and said, "you want it to happen, right?" and when I nodded my head she said, "me too".

She said that it kind of scares her but at the same time, she jokingly blamed me for starting all of this. Then she returned to being serious and said that it's 'something she now wants to try' immediately added again, "you know baby, if it ever gets to be too much, you just tell me and I'll make it better for you".

I know that was a different thing than she'd said before but I knew she meant it in the same way. I asked her what she was going to tell Paul and she said that she didn't think she had to tell him anything, "he knows what you enjoy" but added that he was still surprised at my really wanting them to be together.

"I know it's maybe sooner than we had originally talked about but are you going to be okay?"

Before I could answer she told me that she was surprised that she felt this way 'already' Building on the earlier part of the conversation she said that she felt it was something she was ready to try out. Then she turned to me and asked me how I felt about it.

I told her that I was concerned about Paul and what messages he was getting. She told me that nothing was going to change regarding how she feels about him but that she would talk to him and make sure he understood that he shouldn't misconstrue what was going on as anything related to her having more feelings for him. She smiled and said that she knew that was important and that she agreed.

I held her hand and I told her that I trusted her and that this was a big thing I was trusting her with and that in some ways, it could affect a lot of things and that she needed to be very aware of it. She smiled and hugged me and said that she had been clear with me all along and that wasn't going to change now and she giggled, "especially knowing it's something you want me to do".

That segued into me telling her that I was a bit hesitant and that it was happening sooner than I'd thought it would. She responded to that by holding my hand and saying, "you see how good he is with me, what he makes me feel...." and she said that she wanted to do this with him while she was still really into it with him and while she felt herself able to let it happen.

I did ask about how this would work and she said that is why they started to talk about getting together on 2 week nights. She looked at me and asked, "maybe it would work up to me spending 2 nights with him?" making it sound as a suggestion it would free up time for us on Saturdays!

It naturally led to the question of who is pushing for this more and she said that Paul did ask if they could get more time together during the week; that he seemed fine with changing to 2 weeknights instead of the current schedule. I was kind of dry-mouthed at how openly and calmly she was talking about this part of things but again repeated my question about whether Paul wanted this or initiated this. She giggled and said an emphatic 'No' before adding, " .. he doesn't care about what you and I do together".

The way she said it convinced me that this something she is initiating so asked her, "this is something you want, isn't it?”

She hugged me and said that she can't believe it's what she's saying, "but, yes, baby...”

She was almost in tears at this point when she told me how she felt like this was an opportunity that she felt she couldn't pass by, that she just felt it was something that would work right now for all of us. She said that she can't believe she, "feels this way as your happily married wife" but then hugged me and said that she, " .. really wants to try it".

I hugged her back and I looked at her and said, "I feel the same way".

I was nervous saying it and I know she was nervous hugging me back saying, "I know".

We looked at each other and she said softly, "so, are you going to be okay?”

I nodded and said "you?".

She smiled and nodded back.

It seemed like we'd reached a big turning point. She looked at me and said, "let’s take this slowly over the next few weeks" and then she giggled and held my cock and, "I'm not done with him just yet either baby".


What I got out of our talk was that Suzanna feels much actualized about this for herself. I do believe her that Paul isn't pushing her for this and I say that because of how she spoke about the sex between them; how she seemed reluctant to tell me that she's feeling (cumming) more with him than me. I know from how she sounded that she didn't want it to hurt me and that she wanted me to understand that it's not so much Paul that she wants but, yes , what's between his legs.

I am very aware that the few times we have had sex have been at Suzanna's behest and her initiation. I suppose the biggest difference for me will be in knowing that I shouldn't expect that at all, or to be very surprised by such. I am thinking that perhaps this is also moving the time they are together away from being around me. It only came up as a small part of our conversation but she did say she liked me being there but at the same time also said that she thinks Paul likes it more when I'm not there. We did already mention it but I said that in some ways it was easier for me to just wait at home and only 'know' what she's been doing and not seeing it.

Regarding her explaining it to Paul, she doesn't need to explain whether we are doing anything further than we are now and that it’s her that feels it doesn't imply any further commitment to him. What he sees and knows about, she doesn't need to tell him anything further. Any changes between us as it's not something that's happening because he asked or requested it of her.


I am sure that when another two weeks go by and the calendar is turned to April that I will have some more serious misgivings. Right now the thought of her denying me is a real turn-on, but somehow I think that when the date gets closer and we both know what is coming that it will hit me. She has already begun denying me on a more regular basis without me even really recognizing it or realizing it and it was okay. Actually, it was good. I didn't even really realize it was happening.


I am glad she felt she could talk to me. I know it's not been easy for her to accept her own desires and now to act on them but, at the same time, I can so see it on her face and in her desires what she wants. I know that it wasn't easy for her to tell me, just as it wasn't easy for me to admit my own desires, but I know that it's something she's been building towards. In a way, I'm very happy that it's Paul and it's the sex she wants. I know that her desires were leaning towards truly falling in love with another guy. I am laughing as I am typing this but maybe it's Paul's fucking her and giving her that separation that she wanted to feel that's fulfilling her desire; that maybe she doesn't feel she needs this strong emotional attraction to fulfil herself.

The last thing I should add is, for now, she'd like to resume one night a week at his place and that, for now at least, she'll come home after seeing him the second night during the week. She did say that before the kids are home for the summer that she thought she would want to try spending two nights with him.


I admit that I'm still a bit unsure about how things will work out but I am not having second thoughts in the sense of not wanting things to progress.

With our ******** home, Suzanna is also not seeing Paul this week, or if she does it will only be a quickie after work so as to not raise suspicions. I'm driving our ******** back to school on Saturday and, as of now, the plan is that Paul will come over on Saturday but not stay the night. It's next week she wants to begin spending one night during the week at his place.

We haven't talked more about it tonight yet but I expect to in bed later.


Last night (other than the condom between us ) was a really sensational night. Our ******** had gone out over a girlfriend's who is also home on spring-break so we had the house to ourselves for a while which certainly reduced inhibitions and allowed us to increase the noise-level!

We talked a bit while we got into things last night and Suzanna really made it clear to me that she's not doing this because she wants to hurt me in any way. She even said that while the sex is really great with Paul, that alone isn't what's driving her either. Again she said that she loves how she feels doing all this with Paul and me and again said that she doesn't think this can last forever, that she wants to enjoy it as much as she can. She did say was that she feels this is something she wants to feel and try, to see how it is to truly 'be with another man' and to fulfil her sexual fantasies with him.

As we talked and got naked together she held me close and asked me again whether this is something that I still wanted, again looking for that continued reassurance.

I told her that it was hard even for me to understand but I told her, "yes, I did still want to try it out." I told her that I was sure it wasn't going to be easy for me seeing but not having her.

She asked me if it'd be easier on me if she didn't parade around naked or that sort of thing and I told her, Hell no, that was part of what I want!" In a way, that I want her to become someone else that I am horny about but cannot have; in a way (at least partly in my head) she becomes like a Penthouse model, someone I long for, love to masturbate to, have thoughts about and love seeing sexually but knowing I can't have her.

She blushed for a bit and said that she'd not thought of it that way before. If anything, what I told her was that she should do what she feels is right for her. She giggled and she admitted that it is a lot more fun and enjoyable for her now that she's let herself understand and accept that it turns me on for her to deny me and that she even says she gets some enjoyment herself (obviously) at knowing how I feel and that it's something I want.

I was totally hard when she handed me the condom and I think I got even harder as I rolled it on! As I pushed into her she looked at me and said, "you know I am going to miss this" but I think we were both too 'in the mood' to really talk much more. She was very responsive and loved it when I reached down and rubbed her clit as we fucked. She orgasmed several times with me, I didn't feel she was holding back at all. We changed positions and I know that she loved feeling me behind her as she knelt at the edge of the bed. She teased me a bit but it was truly much more love-making that even surprised me in her ardour that I felt and saw. I know I was deep in her and I could really feel her, not just her pussy, but her whole body and self. It wasn't just for show, she was very into it.

At the end and she had her legs wrapped around me and pulling me in deep. We both shared an awesome mutual orgasm and it felt great to feel her cum right along with me. I know that had I not had the condom on, that I would have fucked her into oblivion, but, at the same time, it was still beautiful to share that moment with her even if she didn't have the Big-O. I'll say again that even mid-fuck, even mid-orgasm, that a part of me was definitely titillated by knowing she hadn't had the Big-O and that it would likely increase her desire with Paul next time.

I pulled out of her and she sat up and leaned forward to take the condom off of me. The look on her face said it all, a look of excitement and a huge smile. As she tied a knot in the condom and held it up in front of me she cooed how much cum was in it and said, "I can tell this turns you on!"

She kissed me and hugged me and promised me that we will have more nights like this before Easter weekend.


I guess the thing that is at play in my head is that I do want to try this and now that it's closer and 'more real' that it'll happen; there's no doubt that it is driving up the angst-level.

After I wrote the entry into the journal I did start to think about what was about to unfold and, yes, I'm excited and turned on by it all. It is still rather difficult to think that in another 2 weeks, (and 3 or maybe 4 at most more condoms to be used) that I really will be giving up all sex with her and that part does make my stomach do back-flips right now.

I think because this time, it's something we are both aware of and wanting to try. I admit I'm scared if I let myself think about it. A part of me hopes that getting it started is also getting it over with sooner as I am also realizing that if this goes on for more than just a few months that it'll be something I have to endure for the summer and that may be more difficult than right now.

Yet, as I said, I have this desire to just get on with it already. I am sure I could have dissuaded her, maybe put this off for another month or so, but honestly, it feels like pulling off a band-aid slowly that way so that is also why I have been much more agreeable and in favour of this more recently. I will surely miss not sharing times and moments like last night with her where we both came almost at the same time and felt each other’s passion so closely.

However, at the same time, I also know that I want to experience knowing that I won't (can't?) have her and that he can so a part of my thinking is that let's get on with it even if it means a few less times we will have sex together for right now. That's why I haven't resisted more even though I think it may be happening too soon.


She hasn't really said much more about things starting to change or fade with Paul so I'm not sure if I picked up on things she'd said and put my own thoughts into them or whether she really did say them. I do think this is going to accelerate things with them though and I think it's also going to reveal if Paul may have some feelings for Suzanna that even she isn't aware of. If they are there, then as she reveals her exclusivity with him and my denial, if he begins to escalate or change things, then that'll be a sign for sure. I'm confident she'll talk to me about it if it happens when I'm not there as she's still quite insistent that she doesn't have deep emotional feelings for Paul and continues to infer that if he weren't so good in bed with her, that she may have likely tossed him out already!

She laughed when I told her I was horny tonight and begged off to sleep and sent me to our office to relieve myself … so here I am.


I wasn't sure about what Saturday was going to bring as I knew Paul was coming by while I drove our ******** back to school and because she kind of strung me along saying things about talking later on and 'more'.

I left about 4pm to drive our ******** back to school; she liked a father/******** 2 hour drive and getting dinner on the way, plus, helping her lug her now clean laundry up to her dorm! The whole trip was more like 3 hours and then about an hour to get home.

I was slightly annoyed when she replied to my text that I was on my way when she asked if I could wait till 10pm to get home as Paul was there. I knew of a Mall on my way back so that took up some time and I filled up the car and took the longer way home. I was kind of horny and wasn't sure what I was going to find when I got there.

I found her pleasantly buzzed and tired (they'd drank 2 bottles of wine!) and she said she felt warm and cuddly all over. I poured myself what was left in the second bottle and climbed into bed with her. She already had her long night-shirt on so he'd obviously left a while ago but I could still smell sex in the air in the bedroom. We talked about the drive with our ******** and other stuff, everything topic other than her and Paul. When I eventually asked what they had been doing she asked in return if we could wait till Sunday to talk about it. She told me if I was horny that I could masturbate while lying next to her while we watched TV but it was also clear that it would just be me as she was quite mellow and, as I found as I slid under the covers, quite warm all over.

She reached back and felt my hard cock. She smiled and snuggled into me spooning up. She took my hand and placed it around her around her stomach, not her breasts as she would have in the past … I noticed that! She put something on the TV but I was too into feeling her warmth against me and the thought that Paul had sex with her probably not an hour earlier just drove me crazy. Once again she told me we would talk tomorrow and that's all she'd say. I so wanted to roll over and get some relief but at the same time, my god, did it turn me on to know I couldn't have her.

I resisted and she kissed me and promised me that Sunday would be fun for both of us.


Yesterday began like any other day. Maybe it's my imagination but I swear that almost every morning she finds a way to be naked in front of me for at least a minute or two. I was anticipating that the first thing we would be talking about was what had happened when I been away but nothing was said all morning, she didn't tell me anything about Paul or anything. We were together for most of the morning but, nothing!

About 3pm, she came to me and said we should talk, finally!

It was certainly an eye opening conversation that literally went through most of the evening. I'll try to write things in pieces as I try to recall it all. It wasn't an easy conversation as we talked a lot about the future and such, but at the same time, I am still horny and tingling all over today thinking about it all.


The biggest thing she said to me was that she was sorry she hadn't been 'sharing' as much with me recently as she had in the past; she even admitted that this was something she'd started to feel when she was with Robert.

She said that she feels 'pressured' (not by me but by her own feelings) that if she gets undressed or lets me see her after she's been with Paul, that she feels like she should have sex with me or, as she said, that she feels like she's teasing me.

But now, with my admission (and her now acceptance) of my beta-wishes, she feels that if she knows we will not be having sex, that she feels more comfortable sharing with me. Thing is she actually said she felt bad about not sharing with me more and that she knows that I want her to but that she had felt that same kind of 'sexual pressure' she had already told me about earlier. I guess I never realized how it must have felt to be her and to know that I would always want her sexually and how she felt about it all this time. It's good she's now able to say it to me and I guess, for her, if this is part of working through all of this and regaining her own feeling of control.

She was very close and very emotional with me as she talked. She told me that this wasn't easy for her to understand and accept but that it was something that when she knew it was what I also wanted to experience, that she felt like it was okay to do. But she also made it clear that she now wants to experience this for herself. It led to a bit of a deeper discussion.

She admitted that my beta desire, the kids being out of the house and, yes, the really excellent sex with Paul, had all led her to realize some things. She said that in the past she'd thought she could only have this 'swept away' feeling if she fell in love with her lover and had the whole 'big-affair' thing she'd felt she would need to experience this. Now, she said, she no longer feels the need to have the strong emotional connection that she thought was needed. She told me that she now was confident she could experience what she wanted and, she said it again, the feeling of her own desires being what guides her sexually and not necessarily being driven by what I want.

As we talked she said that she always knew that a big love-affair was risky for us and she said she actually felt very relieved when I announced my beta wishes and how I was about everything which including how I was when we went away and had really let her know that she could do what she wanted.

She told me how intensely sexual she feels these days and she actually said thank-you to me for letting her feel this way again.

She did backtrack and said clearly that she didn't blame me for any of this sexual pressure she feels. As she'd said at first, she knows it's just the way guys are and that it was more of her own response and feelings that was at play However it happened, she said, she loved that she is able to explain how she feels and why it feels so different with Paul (and Robert before) that she felt she could let herself go with her emotions. She said that with Robert, how she still felt conflicted but since my beta-admission, that she now feels more clarity with Paul.

As she talked she said things that prompted more questions, specifically two big ones. I heard her infer something about 'when this is over with Paul', which I took note of, and the other was my own, what did Paul want from her exactly? The answers to both were intertwined.

She admitted that she felt things were going to escalate a bit more with Paul as she felt she would give more of herself to him and she again said that she would eventually, at least for a little while, like to spend 2 nights a week with him. I asked and she again said not necessarily consecutive nights.

She thought that having some times midweek would be nice because she said that they'd talked about doing a little more together 'other than just sex' and both felt that 2 nights during the week would be better for both of them than taking up every Saturday and 'all that implied'.

She said that she didn't want it to be like she was having a 'second husband' but that maybe they could get some dinner together without having to feel rushed at her having to leave to come home.

That didn't answer all my questions. The biggest one I wanted to know was what Paul was thinking and wanting.

She was a little embarrassed to answer that question but she did. Apparently he's never met anyone who enjoyed sex like Suzanna does. I joked that he has me to blame for that but she corrected me and said, "he has you to blame for bringing it back out in me".

She said that he has told her that he is now very spoiled at enjoying sex so much with her. She was reluctant to tell me but apparently he said that he loves that she likes how he fucks her and that he'd said that not many women enjoyed it so 'hard and deep'. She giggled and said, "he also loves that he doesn't have to use condoms with me" and that she is spoiling him forever that way.

I asked her again, "… what does he want?"

She smiled and giggled and said, "just good sex!". I told her to explain more and she basically said that he is divorced and he is pretty busy with lots of friends (I witnessed that, the friends, when he was with us skiing) and that he honestly doesn't want much more than sex for now. He even said to her that he has the best of both-worlds; his own freedom as well as awesome sex with her.

She did say that he would like a little more time with her but she told me again and again, that he doesn't want her as anything more than they have now. She giggled again and said that since she's been having sex with him, he's not even really interested in having anything more than that.

I asked if she thought that would change as things 'got more intense' between them.

And that's when she explained how she felt about things. She said that she expected it to be like a candle that burns hotter and hotter till it burns out and that she didn't think this would go on forever.

I asked her to be more specific and all she'd say is that ,"things will change when the kids come home" and that, 'if it lasts through the summer' that she thought it surely wouldn't go much beyond a few more months. She looked at me and said, "the sex is great now but that's going to change" and she said that without either of them really investing more emotional time together, that she didn't think it would last.

Then she held my hand and said, "but you're not going to have me until it's over baby".

As she held my hands she told me that she thought this was going to be really good for us and then she surprised me by saying that after things end with Paul that she wants it to feel like the first time for us when we do finally get back together sexually.

She said that she knows she'll be upset and sullen at the end but that she wants to have that emotion when we re-kindle ourselves. She giggled and said that she wants it to be like it was when we first got together and to have it all feel very new to her again and, " … it'll be fun having you seduce me again".


We talked about a lot more and, yes, did more too but, that's this book filled so it'll have to wait till after I've been to the store to restock on stationery!