Journal of a Journey - Book 89

She called me at work on Friday and said that since Paul wasn't going to be around, maybe we could get away and go skiing. She said, "this time, just the 2 of us". We both cut out of work early and did just that, we skied. We also made love last night, something else she wanted. Of course, it was accompanied by her announcement that she wants to spend next Tuesday night at his place.

Our ski trip was a bit of a surprise but one that I wasn't going to let slip by as it is one of the perks of having an empty-nest, the ability for us to just take off on a moment’s notice. What did surprise me though was as we were throwing together the relatively few clothes we needed, that she tossed me 2 condoms and told me 'pack them for tomorrow night', I didn't ask and she really didn't say anything more about it.

She actually spent her time doing work in the car on the way up on Friday night so for most of the journey her mind was elsewhere but we did talk briefly about Paul and she joked that as he wasn't going to be around, "you'll get the benefit of his absence".

I will say that my first thought and response was to say something about it being so soon or something like that but instead, I said that I was sure we'd be able to make it work out. I knew there was more to what she wanted to say and sure enough, after some idle talk and after her going back to her laptop in the car and doing some more work she turned to me and said, "what if I wanted to stay there every Tuesday night?" She added that we didn't have to talk about it then but it was something she wanted me to answer whether I would let her do it. She kissed me and said that she knew it was a big step and that we could talk about it over the weekend.

We got to the ski resort late and this time we just stayed in a hotel room so I didn't really have flashbacks to the last ski trip when we had the condo. We were both pretty tired but she still made it a point to prance around naked as she got changed and to then have me spoon up behind her. It was pure non-sexual closeness and I have to say that although I had a hard-on as we lay next to each other I was not surprised when she said how nice it was that we could just cuddle up. From how she said it, her meaning was obvious.

While I didn't have flashbacks before, snuggling up behind her did bring them back and I admit it was a struggle to fall asleep as I so wanted to wait and see if she was serious about Saturday night. Waking up that next morning, she seemed to want to be close to me and even sexually playful. She joined me in the shower and even stroked my cock a bit and teased that, "we'll have some fun later". She then teased me saying she enjoyed how big and hard it got from her attention! Her teasing went deliberately went beyond her usual banter when she spread her legs and more as she got dressed, all the while smiling my way.

It was very difficult getting into thermal underwear to go skiing in with a hard on!

Eventually we did get out and, wow, is all I can say about conditions. We skied all day and she teased me continuously including telling me several times how the last time she was skiing she was wet from Paul all day and how 'much of a workout' she'd gotten that weekend. I asked her what was up with the change in attitude and she told me that I should enjoy it and that she wanted to be sure that I knew she still loved me and wanted me. Of course, she added, "you know, when Paul's not around....".

I didn't tell her to hear her say that both stung and it turned me on!

She built up to what she'd promised later in the evening. When I asked her again why she was doing this, this time she playfully answered that I, "should remember what fun Paul had" and indeed, when we did move into the bedroom, she playfully teased me with every touch and with every bit of clothing she removed, telling me how he had 'done this' and how he had 'done that'.

When I pulled off her panties she lay there on the bed as I stood and pulled off my boxes. Before I could climb back on the bed she stopped me and smiled at my almost fully hard cock and then she told me to look at her. She spread her legs apart and told me a bunch of stuff.

Admittedly, we'd had a bit of wine and she was quite relaxed and that loosened her tongue but she told me that she liked that she would control just how much I 'get of this' as she patted her pussy. With her hand covering her slit she looked at me and said that it turned her on that she was now totally in control.

She leaned over and picked up my now hard cock and told me how much it turned her on to, "not feel you in me" and she giggled and looked up at me and told me that it makes her wet when she thinks about me using condoms with her and she told me that she is pretty sure it's why she wants to be with Paul. Then she changed the tone in her voice and said, "But tonight, baby, I want you" and she lay back.

For a moment I went to move further onto the bed thinking maybe she was giving me a shot at having her bare but that was dashed when, as if on automatic-pilot, she tossed me a foil container. She looked at me as I stayed totally hard as I rolled it onto my cock and she smiled and said, "I love that it turns you on too".

Once our rhythm really got in sync, even wearing the condom it really started to feel good and she really began to respond. It'd been a while since she has been that enthusiastic with me and I felt her cum several times before she looked up at me with those deep, just-fucked eyes, and said that the rest was for me. I thought she might lay there and let me take my pleasure as she sometimes will, but this time it seemed she was into it. As I got closer she teased a bit more and then she said something that made me explode. She looked up at me and after going at it for a while she said in the most sexy voice ever, "oooh, really turns you on baby that you gave away my bare pussy doesn't it?" I reacted and slammed into her hard enough to make her grunt as she continued that with something about "... and only he gets to feel me".

Well, even now as I'm trying to make this short and at the same time convey how intense it was, when she kept talking, that was it and I was so glad I'd waited the night before. Even I was pretty proud of the load I shot into that condom!

I was about to pull it off when she sat herself up, pushed my hands away and did the honours. She slid it off and held it in one hand before she surprised me again when she leaned forward and sucked my softening cock into her mouth to suck me clean. However at the end, I understood what was then required and she leaned forward, kissed me and we shared a taste of what she'd just drawn out of me in a very deep and very French kiss.

She giggled when I was done and said that I did a good job as the beta guy. I told her that I didn't think she had it quite right but she said, "yes, it was you that said I should go to Paul first; he's not here, so you got to benefit!" Then she added a pointed 'this time' and hugged me and told me that she liked it when she wanted it with me, "like tonight, I wanted it with you".

I was going to say something in response but she suddenly raised the condom she took off me, looked at my cum in the translucent rubber and said, " .. and this turns me on too". That was all she said as she tied a knot in the condom and dropped it in the trash.


The culmination to the Saturday night fun was her announcement that she will be staying overnight with him tonight!

Now looking back, I can see she is marvellously manipulative! She gave me my night of closeness and reconnection (although she did not have her Big-O, something she did remind me of) and now is off to spend a night with him tonight. She teased me on Sunday that, "it was different having sex with you last night" and she giggled as we got off the ski-lift one time when she said, "I'm not all wet and sticky from you" (implying that she would have been if it had been Paul that fucked her) and giggled as she skied away.

Yesterday was almost 'normal' except for a little conversation before bed when she reminded me about today.

This morning, I would have joined her in the shower but she said she needed a moment 'to finish'. As I stood there staring at her, she raised one leg to shave and as I watched she let me see as she spread her legs and let me watch her run the razor over her still bare pussy mound. I watched as she pulled her pussy lips to one side and touched up each side as well as back towards her butt. She smiled broadly as she changed legs and then she rinsed off and giggled at my now hard cock as I got in the shower to take her place.

It was different today because she asked me to help pick out some clothes for her. As we went through different lingerie and she held each piece to her, she asked what I thought, my cock told her my thoughts as it grew harder and harder. We picked out a pair of dark-red lace panties and a matching lacy-front camisole which she folded it up and put it in her bag.

She was still in her bra and panties that she was going to wear to work and she came up to me, kissed and hugged me and felt my hard cock under my towel. She looked up at me and reminded me of what we'd talked about. She kissed me again and told me that I should relieve myself tonight if I need to and told me that it would really turn her on to know that I'd been horny enough that I needed to masturbate.

I told her that I was really horny at that moment (and still am as my cock is throbbing hard as I’m writing this) and she said that I should think about her today and I took a moment to laugh at her and said, "as if I have a choice" but we had a minute where she turned to me and I looked at her and I told her that I was very turned on by what she was doing.

She hugged me and said that she really liked hearing me say that to her just then and I told her that it turned me on to know what I was helping her pack for and said something about the 'whole thing' turning me on. She asked me to tell her more and I said what I'd told her, that it's not just the sex that turns me on when she spends the night with him but that it's all of the rest of it. As I started to say, "you know, the whole routine..." she interrupted me and pulled me to her, sort of giggled but said very clearly, " … that I share what used to be yours only?"

I just nodded as I just couldn't even say anything other than give a simple yes. She pulled me to her so she could feel how hard I was and she said she loved me. As she ground herself against my body she smiled and said, "it's okay that it turns you on, I think it's really sexy".

She stepped away from me, opened her closet and then turned to me and asked me if I wanted to help pick out what she'd wear on Wednesday when she left his place. I didn't say anything as I watched her choose a nice longer dress before going back to her underwear drawer to pick out panties and a bra to wear. She smiled when she saw me staring at her in the mirror and could no doubt see the wet spot in the underwear I pulled on.

I am so on the edge of just jerking off now and relieving the tension. Perhaps I'll wait and let her leave for work first.


She hasn't mentioned again about making this an every-week occurrence but I think it is a done-deal. Neither has she mentioned Tuesday and Wednesday nights in a while now, so perhaps she has reset her clock on that?

As far as Paul coming here at the weekend, she is now saying that ,"maybe Sunday would be better". I haven't asked her more on that yet, perhaps she still wants Valentine’s Day to be just for us which would be nice although I should suppose not to expect sex with her.


This is like the hardest time, sitting here contemplating what to do but knowing the obvious. I love what we're doing but this is probably the most difficult time of all, admitting to myself that in a flash I could be rock hard and squirting away!

I know it sounds crazy but it's something I've wanted to feel. I certainly don't want to lose her but I do want to feel this denial and Suzanna knows just how to coax me along now she understands what turns me on. I don't know why it does but her reminding me what I've given up, saying it to me as she did, well, yeah, it's just crazy.

We are into week 9 of the year and the knowledge that I have yet to cum in her is totally intoxicating! She's told me that from her side it turns her on in the same way and I believe her. Maybe we've grown this fantasy together and the day will come when I will not get to have or feel her sexually which is something I truly want to feel and experience. The thought that she will deny me at some point, undoubtedly, is something that just turns me on incredibly.

The reality is that I really do want to experience being the beta male for her. I don't know why but it's just something that I think maybe I've wanted for a long time but was scared to let myself accept. It really seems that she wants to try this out too and I guess, of all people, Paul is a pretty okay guy to do it with.

I truly felt that last Saturday while she didn't have the Big-O with me, that we did really reconnect and share a loving moment sexually. Whether she's said it or not, I don't think she'll ever be really able to say no to me, not at all. Maybe for a few weeks at a time, but I still ultimately believe that some reason will come up when she will come to me and tell me she wants it with me.


It's incredibly erotic to me to think that the most intimate parts of her and the most intimate acts with her will be something she may only have with Paul at some point, the feeling of, as she put it, giving him something that was mine. Already it is a very different feeling for me to be with her and know that my desires for some sort of sexual contact with her are going to be suppressed more.

She called me a little while ago and we talked for a few minutes. She didn't rush me off the phone or anything and she did ask me if I was okay with her staying over as she could still come home. I told her quite honestly that I was sure she'd already had sex with him once and that 'the night isn't over yet' and she giggled. It wasn't an easy conversation but a few minutes later she asked me if I was hard and when I said yes, she said that was good. I knew what she wanted to hear and I told her that I planned to enjoy the evening too and she giggled again.

It's a little weird talking to your wife knowing where she is and I also knew that it wasn't right to keep her on the phone. She didn't hasten me at all and even took time to tease me that she was wearing the lingerie I'd help her pick out. I guess I must have moaned or whatever being reminded of it and was when she said, "you can think about that later baby" and suddenly I didn't want to hang up.

It just felt weird talking sexy to her while she was there but then she asked me if it was okay if we hung up. I told her it was okay and she told me that if I ever needed her maybe I could text, that it might be better rather than call!

I put the phone down and realized I hadn't mentioned I was sitting here buck naked stroking my stiff cock which is positively aching when I think about where she is.

I will say that I came to a realization that, in a way, she's become that nameless, semi-faceless hooker back in college who did it with all the guys except me that night. I feel weird realizing it but it doesn't change that I am totally turned on by it. I suppose it's rather obvious now.

I made it through the night although I admit that it was difficult to fall asleep.

I also admit that I jerked off twice last night to the thoughts of what she was likely doing, especially of her in that lingerie. I can definitely report that even after that, I still found myself hugely horny and wishing I could abuse myself even more, so I have no doubts that I want all this to happen.

Even now as I write, I can say that my cock is throbbing again, not that I could cum just yet, but surely it feels awesome to be hard and horny. I woke up horny thinking of her waking up next to him and I admit that as I showered a bit ago that all I could think of was her likely doing the same with him. The thought of her primping herself while standing there naked next to him is just incredible to think about and even in my mind I can see her slightly swollen and slightly reddened pussy lips that she likely had this morning.

Damn, I'm horny again.


She was already home when I arrived last night and she looked radiant in that dress she'd picked out with me. I had a sudden flood of emotions seeing her and we hugged. She hugged me back and pulled me close and must have realized how I felt. She whispered that she loved me and that she loved coming home to me. It kind of broke me up to hear her say that but I got myself together pretty quickly and was fine by the time we kissed and then we sort of began a 'normal' evening. I only asked her if she'd had a good time and she cooed, "mmm, yeah, it was really nice … " a second later she came up to me and I guess felt that I was hardening already and she added, "… let’s play later, okay?" She didn't ask about my evening; I let it go.

I suspect she knew I wasn't as horny as usual because once we finally retired to the bedroom she came up to me and asked me in a sexy voice if I'd 'taken care of myself'.

I told her, "yes, twice" and she squealed and told me how much she loved hearing that and that she thought it was so sexy that what she'd been doing had made me that horny. She reached into my shorts and squeezed my cock and felt it was a little chubby. She cooed and said, "… and are you still horny today?" I said I was and she asked me if I wanted to 'show her'.

I told her that I wasn't sure I'd cum very much and she asked me if it'd still feel good and I told her that it would. She kissed me and said, "will you show me?" and started to get undressed in front of her dresser. She pulled a night-shirt out but before she pulled it on she turned and said to me, ".... or should I come and lie down next to you naked?"

I guess I hadn't noticed what she was doing until I looked up and saw her standing there naked in front of me. I was speechless, she looked so beautiful and for a moment I thought she was going to climb into bed and that we were going to make love. I soon came out of that daydream suddenly thought that she'd most likely stood just like that next to Paul's bed.

I couldn't take my eyes off of her as she slid in to bed next to me and my cock grew fully hard as I even thought I could smell her sweet scent. She giggled and told me that she loved 'knowing' how horny I was as she looked at my hard on.

She again told me how she felt knowing that I'd jerked-off twice while she was out and she mentioned that, "you should always put your own needs first" and she mentioned that I shouldn't think I need to wait for her if I felt the need.

I told her that I'd been thinking the same but wasn't sure about it until after the ski-weekend and I told her that I wasn't sure if I should have waited for her. I told her my reason why and reminded her what she'd said about me 'having a turn'.

She moved closer to me and said that she loved that I still wanted her as I did but that I shouldn't think of her that way and that she hoped I understood. She held me and said that she did enjoy giving me some relief when we were away skiing but she also said that she hoped it didn't hurt to hear it but that she would have preferred it if I had just masturbated. She then told me how she felt last night loving and knowing I'd given into my arousal. She pulled my head to her and she told me that she always wanted me to put my pleasure needs ahead of 'waiting for me' and that now that she feels it for real knowing I had jerked off while she was out and not being nearly as horny for her when she got back. She thinks that is something I should 'always do' if I need to.

She asked me how I felt and what turned me on so much. I told her that seeing her standing there and now with her next to me that all I could think about was her with Paul. She coaxed me and pushed me to tell her more and I did so. I told how her sharing her body with him so freely all night long just turned me on, "… that you were lying next to him just like you are next to me just turns me on so much".

She told me how he likes to feel her breasts when he spoons up behind her and then she giggled and said, "he likes to push into me too!" as if it were nothing. I groaned that the thought of her lying like that with him in her was so intense. She held my hand as she saw that I had started to stroke my cock now more earnestly. I had that ache from coaxing my cock to full hardness once again and I told her that the thought of her sharing herself was very intense to me.

She cooed in my ear and told me how she loved making love with Paul and she noticed my response to her telling me that. I was lost in the stuff she was sharing with me especially when she added how she loved that she 'didn't have to run home afterwards'. I told her it made me 'sooo horny' to hear her admit that and she giggled and told me how sexy it was that I was so turned on by that.

I knew I was very close to cumming and she must have been too. She told me how sexy she felt, "sleeping next to my lover all night" and damn if I didn't start to almost cum. She turned and kissed me and said that she, "really felt so sexy waking up next to him". At that point, all the thoughts in my head were just too much and I grunted out loud and felt an awesome orgasm overtake me … and it surely felt awesome.

I caught my breath and opened my eyes to see Suzanna staring. I looked down and saw what she was looking at, the dribble of cum on my stomach I had produced from the two small spurts of my climax.

She turned to me and commented, "it's just a little bit, baby" and I agreed and told her, "I said there wouldn't be much". She laughed and said that nevertheless, it had made her very wet to think that I was really drained so much from jerking and thinking about what she'd been doing.

She never showed me any of her body at all other than standing there, even as she told me she was wet, she didn't let me see her pussy to prove it and to be honest, I was too spent to care. She scooped up the little bit of cum onto her finger and brought it up to my mouth where I licked it off her fingers. She then leaned in to kiss me and share it. It tasted pretty bitter and she said, "must be because it's the last few drops!"

We lay there after that, her lying naked next to me and even though I'd just cum with her, my mind went back to having her lying naked next to me, knowing that her pussy was likely still wet from Paul. In my head I thought I could see marks still on her breasts and that thought, even after just cumming, I could feel my cock stir once again but I knew there was no way I'd get fully hard, much less cum a 4th time.


She has agreed that she wants Paul to come over on Sunday and to spend Valentine’s Day with me (us). She obviously must have seen my response at first when she suggested him coming over this weekend.

I am pretty sure that I shouldn't expect her to want to have sex with me, not if Paul is coming over the next day, but I can still hope (not push, or expect, just hope!). If she opts to not want it, then I am quite sure that I will be content in abstaining until Sunday and then demonstrating my new method for showing my appreciation.

I liked that she felt it still important to spend Valentine’s Day with me even if we do abstain from sex as, for me, there is a sentimental and emotional quality to the day. I've made reservations at a nice restaurant for us and when I told her Suzanna smiled and truly said it sounded wonderful to have dinner plans and all the while to know that she is happy that I won't be pestering her for sex.

It feels so different to try to hold back those feelings and desires and to let them just be satisfied by myself after all this time but at the same time, I have to say that I think I love Suzanna even more than ever. For some reason, not having sex with her has totally heightened my own desires for her as well as how consumed I feel when I see her naked and know who is enjoying her.

Well, the day is almost over here and I feel strangely, eerily calm about things. It feels nice.


It's been a nice Valentine's day so far. I got Suzanna some jewellery, earrings and a necklace she'd wanted, and a card to go with some flowers.

She's over her parents right now greeting them for Valentine’s Day and then she'll be home later. I have some wine for us and then reservations for dinner. I already know that I shouldn't expect and likely won't have sex with her tonight, she's already mentioned that Paul will be coming to see us tomorrow so I'm sure she is already warming up for him.

I know it sounds so crazy but I feel very content right now. It even seems weird to me but I do. Suzanna has really been good so far and I know that she's probably not sharing with me everything she's feeling but I do feel like she is doing this for both of us and not just for herself.


Last night was quite romantic in its own way and when she got back home we did get amorous in bed. We both got undressed and I fingered and stroked her till she came a little and then she told me that was enough for her. She then sat naked next to me and let me look at her while she encouraged me to masturbate. She promised me a surprise and sure enough, at the very end just when she knew I was ready to cum any minute now, she reached over and pulled my hand away and instead of replacing it with hers she leaned over and sucked my cock so perfectly that she held me on edge for a few more minutes until I begged her to let me cum. Finally she did just that, a few deep sucks along with her hands holding my balls felt just so wonderful that she had me spewing in her mouth enough that she gagged a little. When there was no more to suck out of me I collapsed back against the bed and sure enough, she moved up and lay naked against me and we shared an incredibly passionate French kiss where both of us wound up giggling over how much I'd cum. She smiled and at first pushed it all into my mouth after which our tongues danced away. Afterwards we spooned in bed and she thanked me as well as how much she loved me and how she felt so close to me.


Of course it was also pretty obvious that she wanted to be horny for him today, I'm not that silly as to think otherwise. Despite the bad weather, he will be coming over later. She hasn't asked about him spending the night but I suspect that is a given with all of us being off of work tomorrow. The snow has stopped; it's just a bit cold and windy right now.

I don't think she's ever sucked Paul to completion so that's also something rather unique about last night. There is something so special about her doing it for me knowing how she feels about sucking cock in the first place. I really felt close to her feeling her orgasm next to me and with my fingers guiding the way. I knew early on last night that she wasn't going to want much intimacy and that's obvious from how she has been today.

Right now she's in the shower getting ready for him and she reminded me as she opened the new pack of razors, that she was going to give her pussy 'a once-over'! It's actually quite funny as well as arousing to see her getting so horny for him and to see her not really trying to hide it from me.


I admit that I miss fucking her bare especially after seeing them tonight. The sounds and the obvious meaning of just how wet she was for him is something that I definitely miss.

The beers I had tonight aren't helping right now but I am so friggin' horny. No, I didn't cum with them; I was close at one point but I got self-conscious and I guess that's what it is because I just felt weird moving over so I could be closer and watching him fuck her. I thought I might cum when he did or after that, but instead I am going to relieve myself after I finish writing up here.


This is harder than I thought. Even now I can hear murmurs from the room and I know he'll be fucking her probably all night as he admitted to both of us that he's been waiting since Tuesday to be with her.

We talked earlier and last night about stuff and she told me that this feels a lot more intense for her, that she feels a lot more desire than she thought she would. She assures me it's really only physical with him and swears she's not in love with him but from seeing him with her tonight, he fucks her really good. I will admit, better than me, so I am sure that is part of her desire.

I loved watching them but at the same time I am starting to miss her a bit. Why does that feel so good to me? I know she's lying in my bed with her right now feeling her warm body against his on this cold night and the thought that turns me on the most as I lie on the bed in the guestroom is hoping to hear her cry out loud at some point later tonight.

I'm so horny, my cock is dripping away. I'm going to end it here and enjoy myself.
******

It was a fitful night of sleep. I didn't hear them again so I did get some sleep but he's still here right now and they're still in our room.

They both got up and joined me for breakfast and that wasn't the easiest for me seeing them both come down to the kitchen; Suzanna in a just her nightshirt (that left nothing hidden including her stiff nipples and showed a wet-spot in the back when she stood up) and him in one of my bath-robes, he said he hoped I didn't mind.

They were cordial to me and Suzanna greeted me with a big hug and a kiss. I had taken care of my needs last night so it wasn't so much that I was horny, it was just how in my face they were including them silly-like staring at each other.

We had some coffee together and I thought maybe he was going to leave but when I got up to get a refill, I came back in to find he had pulled her night shirt up and was kissing and playing with her pussy right there. Her hand was in my robe he was wearing and I could see he was hard already.

I really hoped he was leaving but instead they are now back in our room and I can hear them going at it.

The door is still closed so I'm not sure if I should open it and look in or not. It's not that I'm down or anything after having jerked off but, grief, I'm hard again already and can probably get off.


It does turn me on that she's obviously getting more and more into it with him. I did love watching them last night and, even now, relish the thought of seeing her so turned on. I admit that it is surely stinging a little bit right now that it's starting to really hit me that we are really doing this. Maybe that's what I'm feeling.

She reminded me once again the other day that I was the one who 'started all of this' and that I should be happy that she's found a way to enjoy my fantasy. That kind of struck me, how she said that and on top of really coming to accept my beta desires, it's kind of romantic in a way what she said.

Right now, I was so hoping that we'd enjoy our day off together, maybe we'd still be in bed. I know she'd be warm from being with him, but spending the day next to her knowing how she feels and knowing we shared it in our own way together, was what I was hoping for in my mind. Obviously they had different ideas.


We had a long talk that started yesterday afternoon and went into the night. It started when she asked me if I still wanted all of this to happen or whether I was having second thoughts; she obviously picked up on how I'd been feeling and came right out with it.

I was honest and I told her that I did and again told her how I liked watching her and yet at the same time, it felt so difficult and awkward that at times I feel like voyeur with how close I am to them. I also didn't hide that I felt a bit left out and that I should be okay with it but, nonetheless, that it still bothered me.

She was very observant and I swear someone is coaching her because she asked me if it's harder when I am there and then she said it, "seeing Paul has what you don't get to have?" She said it in a concerned way which took me a little off guard but asked me if that was something that bothered me. Seeing it was still a little hard for me to answer she added, " … especially now, you know, without you really 'feeling me' for a long time now".

I started to answer her but she kept on talking and asked me how it was when the door was closed (or supposed to be closed) " … or, when I'm at his place"?

I was honest with her and I told her that maybe it was seeing it up close and in person, that maybe I'd gotten used to it with her and Robert and that maybe she was right. I'm not sure what she took from that but I sure wasn't ready for her answer that I should probably try to get used to it and she reminded me of us planning a weekend ski-trip for later in the month.

Before I could really respond she smiled and said, "a 2 bedroom" and when she saw that I understood what she was alluding to she said, "he'll be meeting us there that Friday night … " giggled when she saw the look on my face and added, "yes, both nights!"

She then said the same thing as she said the other day about her fantasy becoming mine and when I asked what that was she giggled and reminded me of her first fantasy that she shared with me. She said it was about having a threesome and that was that she wanted me to be fucking her while she was sucking another guy. I stopped for a moment and I realized she was right. She smiled and we talked for a moment and she said that she had her fantasy fulfilled many times with me and reminded me that even with Paul, we'd done threesomes at first. Then she turned me to her and said that she admits that over time, seeing how excited I was when it happened that she always was turned on by that herself.

Then she said what I think I knew was coming for a long time now. She told me that when I came out to her about my beta desires, she saw (and still sees) that it's what I want and that it's what makes her want it too. She kissed me and told me that she wondered if I finally told her what I wanted because I liked Paul?

I told her I wasn't sure about the timing of things as neither of us could say what came first, chicken or egg, Paul or beta-admission? I never thought about it but maybe I did feel comfortable with him to let things happen? Either way, she finally came out and said it, that she feels a real desire to let things play out with Paul and to do all the things that she either couldn't or wouldn't do. She kissed me and said that, "includes fulfilling your desires.... coincidentally".

I asked what she meant and she reminded me that I told her that I wanted her to fulfil her sexual desires with him; she asked me if I remembered that. I was so hard as she was talking to me (I know she noticed) but she was really getting into taking control for a little while. She held me and she told me that it's not easy for her to let herself feel this way as it really goes against how she feels, but she admits to being really curious now about what we're doing.

Now, it wasn't all one sided, I mean she did ask me if I really wanted this and I gave her my honest answer, and said, "yes" but with that admission she became a bit more vocal and open, included her telling me that I needed to get used to the way things that were going to change over time. She kissed me and in a concerned voice told me that, "it's just something we're going to try". She then cooed in my ear and repeated that, "you're going to need to get more used to things over time".


Finally, about 9pm last night, when we'd got sort of ready for bed that she lay down next to me as we started to watch the Late Night Show on TV. She wasn't too interested in watching the TV and said that I should remember that she's not ready to give up everything with me then she asked me how I'd enjoyed the surprise blow-job; I gushed about how intense it was.

She giggled and reached over and hit pause on the show and then, as she looked down at me she smiled and asked, "… want to have a little fun?" It took me a second to refocus from the TV but my eyes lit up. She giggled and said that she was 'feeling better down there' and that she thought, " you might want to enjoy the weekend" and she leaned over me and opened my nightstand. She found what she was looking for and then closed the drawer before feeling that I was hard and then asking me if I'd 'taken care' of myself the night before.

She didn't see that I was looking at her when I said yes and I saw the smile on her face and it wasn't forced, it was something she just did and it made me feel good to know that she was being honest when she said she'd like it if I'd done so.


It’s been a crazy busy week for both of us at work so her decision to wait to see Paul till the weekend was good for both of us in more than one way. She's still at work and this is really the first break I've had today.

Obviously she is taking more control sexually between us. She's been very open with me about it. She basically said to me that I started all of this and that over time she's come around to understanding me and coming to terms with what I seem to be aroused by. She said that she finally feels like she's ready to let this happen, for me to become the beta-male for her, and that she says she genuinely wants to experience feeling her sexual desires pointed towards another guy.

She made it very clear to me that she isn't doing this to hurt me, that is actually the furthest thing from her mind, but she says she feels conflicted because of how I have been behaving, that her knowing that I was deferring my own pleasure in the misguided goal of enjoying it with her. She said that she doesn't want to hurt me but also has said that she feels she either needs to move ahead with this or that she's not sure how she feels … meaning that she's not sure she likes the in-between place that we are at right now.

I should also add that she has continued to say that she doesn't want to totally deny me. She's said again that she can't see that as our end-state but she's also repeated that she wants it to be when she wants it with me and that is somewhat governed by her own desires as well as when she will be seeing Paul.


Paul is coming over this evening and will be spending the night. We talked a lot more, amongst other things as I'll get to, but suffice to say, we talked a bit more about what she's long been saying, that at some point she feels the excitement of it is going to wear thin. She quickly added that she is nowhere near that right now.

I pushed her to qualify that and she admits that she does have some emotional feelings for Paul but she swears to me that it is not something she feels in her heart and made a joke about 'that it's about 2 feet lower!'

And that sort of led to her, I guess, in a way admitting her own desire that she is finding herself very turned on by what we're doing. She said it again and I asked her when she mentioned something about being married and 'doing this'. She wasn't very clear but I began to see what she was (I think) trying to say, that it turns her on to be this married '"old lady' who is so sexually turned on by her boyfriend. She admitted, how did she put it, something like, "I guess I have my own kinkiness" and that it's something she just feels and that is why she said that she feels it's her adaptation to my fantasy. She said she is very turned on by what she wants with Paul and, again knowing it turns me on, that she wants to fulfil what we've started for herself to experience too.

She giggled and told me (in a loving way this time) that I had started this and that somehow, with Paul not making demands on her, that it's working just fine for her.

It made me think though when she said something about beginning to question my 'beta-desire' because of how I'd been and she mentioned waiting for sex for her and that sort of stuff. She admitted that she'd felt a change and that, finally, in a way, 'believed me' when we talked earlier about it and I had told her that I realized what I was doing. That is, taking care of myself while she was with Paul.

We talked about Paul coming over today and she asked me how I was going to be and then she told me that she'd begun to tell him more about 'us'. She told me that he'd asked something about whether I was really okay watching and that sort of stuff. She said that she explained to him again that right now, we're playing a bit of a fantasy with him sort of 'replacing me' in bed.

I got a little annoyed at how she'd put it but she explained that was how she made him understand what turned me on and she said that it's kind of a phase that I'm going through. I told her I hoped she didn't make me sound like some kind of a mental patient. She laughed and said, no, that she told him he's lucky that he's the guy she's chosen to 'replace me with'. She giggled and said that he understood what she meant.

She also told me that part of his response was that I don't have to worry about replacing-me and that he was enjoying this as much as me if that's truly how I am feeling. She concluded that part of the conversation by telling me that I should feel more at ease around him and that he had already told her that he'd try to be a bit less distant.


What totally surprised me last night was when she came out of the bathroom with nothing on and lay down on the bed next to me. At first I thought maybe she's going to let me look at her or watch her masturbate while I get to do the same. I was about to start to get into position when she surprised me again and once again leaned over me, opened the nightstand drawer and handed me a condom.

At first I was really psyched, but as I opened the package I looked at her and asked her why she was doing this. She smiled and said she wanted to feel close and make love with me.

I asked her if she was going to or wanted to cum with me and she said, "if you really want to know, then it's a 'no'… " but then immediately added, " … but I don't have to cum to enjoy it with you baby and that's why I want it tonight".

I felt really conflicted and annoyed as well. I told her that it felt weird to use her that way but she said again that she truly just wanted me to feel good and that's how she wanted it. She make me laugh when she said, "you are good baby but you should know know I faked it sometimes and I never minded at all because it still felt so good to make you feel good". With that she literally raised and spread her legs and told me to use a little lubricant and to go slow at first.

I tried to stay annoyed with her but she began to tease me a little bit and told me that it would be easier on me when Paul is here if I 'got off' now (last night). Then she ran her finger down and just teased her little bud and said, "you can think about Paul having me tomorrow".

Well, that did it, and I admit, I was horny enough by then that I had reasoned that if that was what she wanted, then who was I to say no?!

There is something so erotic about seeing her still bare this time of year. Usually she'd have let her pubes grow in a bit by now but not this year. What was very intense was that she physically held me back and away from her and that she, in a way, controlled how slowly I did move with her. Of course I could have forced myself on her if I'd wanted but it was so incredible to let her control things. It was only afterwards that I realized just how much in-control she was the whole time.

She teased me and asked me whether she 'felt different inside' which made me groan at what she was implying but she held me back so I could only push into her an inch or so. I was so hard it was amazing. Each time she'd say something sexy or teasing she'd let me push in a bit more until finally I was in her all the way and it felt like she was on fire inside. She told me to pull back and to move slowly as she still felt very tight and I joked back that she 'ain't kidding'. I started to move a bit more and more and as I started to get into it I guess I started to really pound into her and she pushed back against me and told me she just wanted me to cum soon if I could, that , "I don't want to be all worn out for tomorrow".

Wow, did hearing that turn me on and when I pulled back out of her I felt she was starting to get wet and a bit more slippery. A moment or two later as the thought of what she'd said and whether she might be getting wetter because of me, I don't know how to explain it, but as I thought of how she must have felt saying that to me, that she said it because she wanted to save herself for Paul, that I let go in just a moment later.

I was annoyed with her afterwards but she truly was happy as she pulled the condom off me and said, "there now, doesn't that feel better now baby?”

I told her that I didn't like 'using her' like that and she said that she had enjoyed it and again said, "it feels so good to know you are so turned on".

I wasn't sure what to say so I hugged her and told her she was the best.


Now, of course, it's the next morning and I admit to having a bit of queasiness knowing what will be happening later tonight. She's already crooning around the house and was definitely taking a bit of time contemplating what to wear while standing just wrapped in her towel.

I know that none of this makes any sense at times, even to me, but then I know that even as we head towards what is obviously coming in terms of denial, that I am so intensely turned on that I'm not sure that I would change anything even if I could.


Fresh book needed!