Journal of a Journey - Book 88

We’re at the Ski lodge and Paul got here about an hour ago and already they've just moved into the bedroom. I told them I'd give them a few minutes alone before I went in to join them. Suzanna told me earlier that she very much wanted me to be with them, at least for their first time.

I'm so horny but she again promised me that I could have her after Paul leaves so I most definitely will wait for her.


As they say; that was different.

I admit that I truly felt the angst of being a cuckold after Saturday night. I went and watched them and it was just the whole thing that I guess got to me. What's weird is that I was still incredibly turned on even with feeling as I did. Maybe it was too much or maybe it was what I needed, I don't know yet. I just know that after skiing with her all day and having a few drinks together over dinner, that if it wasn't for our plans with Paul, it would have been an awesome weekend just with that by itself. What did get to me was that I knew that in the past we would go back to the condo and after having a little more to drink, that we'd really go at it. I didn't think I'd feel that desire knowing that Paul was going to be there but I did. Maybe it was the fresh air and the exercise or perhaps it was seeing that smile and look on her face all day that I recognized may not have been all for me.

On the way up Friday Suzanna told me that Paul was coming up as he had other friends skiing and that he was going to watch the game with them. I guess one of the advantages of working for himself is that he can manage his own time (not like me!) and that he's still there today.

Other than sharing that, we really didn't talk about him too much …at least not until we were getting ready for bed and as I watched her get undressed and then pull her night-shirt on, as she climbed into bed she asked me if I was ready for this. When I said 'yes' she snuggled in next to me and told me she loved me. I was hard but as we sort of spooned up she turned to me and hugged me and then said something like, "see, this is another of those times that I just feel so much less pressure on me".

I asked her what she meant and she pulled the covers up a little more and she said that in the past she'd have felt almost obligated to let me have a quickie with her. I told her that I didn't expect it and she said, "that was the point" and she snuggled in.

I guess I never realized how she felt and I admit that even now I wonder just how much she really wanted to have sex with me at times in the past, either when it was just us, like that Friday night.

She's right, if I was really horny like that, she would have gone along with me and we'd have likely fucked. But it also started to make me think and wonder if she'd ever let me have her in the past after she'd come home or been with her boyfriend, that maybe she did when she might not have really wanted to.

I don't want that to sound as if its complaint though, it's not. I have to say that there was no doubt how she felt next to me and how close we were. She didn't say it but I knew she wouldn't have minded if I masturbated if I'd needed to, and that felt good to me too.


Saturday morning, I started to really feel it. When I was in the shower I realized that this was the first time when he would be truly taking her from me and taking something from me that I would have definitely had with her. I can't explain how I felt but a moment later I realized my cock was rock hard and that I even noticed how upwards my hard-on was pointing. I admit that I lost myself thinking about it for a bit there and my cock got more than its share of being washed!

I had calmed down a bit when I turned the water off and as I dried off Suzanna came in. She looked at my still engorged cock and smiled but she didn't say a word other than kissing me gently on my shoulder as she pulled off her night-shirt.

I had all sorts of thoughts; how it is when she spends the night elsewhere; how it's her lover with her as she'd do this same routine in the morning. Yes, we've in the bathroom/shower at the same time at home many times but, somehow, it just felt so erotic to see her stand there and strip down.

She leaned in to check the water and her butt looked just so adorable as she did so but what totally got to me was when she opened her toiletries bag and pulled out a tube of lotion and her razor. I recognised that she was getting ready to keep herself totally smooth for later. I actually left the bathroom before she was done.

She didn't say anything about it and neither did I. I know that we were both focused on getting dressed and heading out to the slopes.


We stopped for lunch and I saw her in line at a take-out to get some food with another guy standing next to her. At first I thought it was Paul; it wasn't, but it made me start to think about her and him together again. As we ate lunch I looked at her across from me and she had that look that I'd talked about, the rosy cheeks (love the natural look of being outdoors/healthy vs the make-up look) and the brightness in her face and I started to think about later and started getting horny again. I didn't ask or say anything to her but I wondered if she was turned on herself and I wondered if she could feel herself getting damp and it turned me on even more to think about it.


I can't even recall Saturday afternoon other than both of us skiing back to the condo arriving close to 5pm. When we got inside and took off our ski-gear she stood there in her tight thermal-base-layer and she looked really sexy. I pulled her to me and we kissed and hugged but she told me that I should keep myself under control and she reminded me that while I've enjoyed looking at her said, "... remember that it's Paul that I'm horny for right now..."

I knew she was being playful and teasing from how she said it but that she was also serious when she added, "... that's why last night was so nice...".

It was a very intense moment for me. As she let go of me I think I realized that was probably the last hug and close moment I was going to feel with her. Just from how she said it, as if, in a way, I was being dismissed. It really gave me a moment of pause and I felt like a twist inside me but, at the same time, I would be lying if I said that it didn't turn me on.

We both took quick showers, at her request, separately. She told me, "I'll be done in a few minutes" and I heard her lock the door. When she was done, she came out in her robe and it was good, I didn't need to be turned on any more.

I went to take my turn in the shower and I remember the incredible feeling of standing there washing up a bit and feeling how hard my cock was knowing I wasn't going to be having her, or at least maybe not, and not minding it!


We went out to a nearby restaurant for dinner. The Steaks were good but I know that we both had the rest of the night on our mind. (Leastways, I know I did!) We talked about what trails we'd like to ski the following day and where the best snow was and all of that. Neither of us could even think about dessert and it was probably well after 7pm by the time we got back to the condo. She hugged me and kissed me and asked me again if I was ready and I told her that I was.

When he texted her that he was on his way over she came over to me and held me and said that once he got there that she was going to be paying attention to him and not to me. I guess I might have had some kind of look in my eye because she hugged me and said, "I'd like you to be with me if you wanted tonight....." She said that she would 'really' like me to be there with her if I was up for it.

I didn't ask and she hadn't mentioned anything about me having a turn with her. Crazy thing was that I knew that hadn't even occurred to her and it turned me on that I knew that wasn't even a thought in her head.

There was one of these gas-fireplaces in the condo and as we kind of sat there waiting the few minutes for him to show up I started to really feel what I was going to be missing out on. I had so many memories of taking her on the pillows or on the floor in front of the fire in past years or of dragging her to the bed in the bedroom and making her scream. I will say that for a fleeting moment, I had a thought about whether I was ready to give that up even though I knew it was likely too late to be sharing that thought with her. The thought of not sharing that with her for the first time really hit me.

I can't explain it but I became very self-conscious of it and despite my ski-lodge fantasy, the thought of giving this up with her was now in my mind. It scared me in a way mainly because I knew how I'd felt about all of the après-ski sex we'd shared over 30 years and how this was the first time feeling that I was giving it up.

It seemed like hours that I was dwelling on this but in truth it was maybe a few minutes. I also realized I had a huge hard-on the whole time.

She was clearly in her own world for these few moments picking up stuff in the living room and such even made me laugh that even when we're away she is still cleaning up. I watched her and thought that she's making the place nice for Paul and as I thought that I let myself finally accept that I do want this and I recall a strong feeling that I did want to let this happen and that I did want to be the beta-male.

Looking back, maybe this was what I needed, to have her take that away from me, our apres-ski sex, and for her to give it to Paul. I looked at her and imagined how she must feel, so horny and eager for him to be there and it made me feel good about it, easing some of the angst that I still felt.


It seemed like a dream when we heard the knock at the door and I saw her scurry over to answer it. I saw them embrace and kiss for a moment in the hallway area by the door before the both walked into the room. Ever the gentleman, he came right over to me and shook my hand and asked how the skiing had been today.

We had a few drinks and within a short-period, the mood changed. I made excuses and went to the bathroom then I went to get us drinks and they both recognized this was my way of being out of their way. When I came back with the drinks they had already moved together on the couch near the fire. I stopped myself from going back into the living room I admit I just stood there and watched them for a moment taking in the scene. She looked beautiful as she responded to him kissing and playing with her hair.

I coughed to get their attention and came back into the room and he pulled back from her. She smiled and thanked me for the drink then she got up and said to the both of us that she was, "going to get more comfortable. "

When Paul and I were alone he turned to me and said, "you okay with all of this tonight?"

I said, "yeah.... I mean she wants you....”

He looked at me and said, "okay man.... " and then a second later, " … you really get turned on by this, huh?"

I told him, "yeah, that it turns me on to see her like this wanting him" and nodded saying that he just wanted to be sure about it and then, for the first time, he told me something like, "I'm really horny for her too, hope you're okay with that."

I managed to croak, "that's okay....." and added "... I'll have some time with her afterwards..." to which he replied that it might be late and I could be waiting a long time.

That's when Suzanna came back into the room, she just had on a pair of skimpy boy-shorts and a camisole, and asked, "what about being late?" and for the first time I saw Paul be a bit more forward with her. He stood, kissed her and said, "it might be late by the time we're done". He took her hand and led her to the bedroom.

I heard them in the bedroom which was just past the bathroom down the short-hallway. I heard them talking and then laughing and then there was a long period of silence, or them not being loud enough for me to hear. A part of me actually wanted to stay in the other room and leave them to their own time alone but then I remembered what Suzanna had said and with that knowledge, I accepted that I was about to witness something that to me felt new, that we were away from home 'on vacation' for a day or so and that she was still with her boyfriend. It will sound crazy but even now, the thought of him being away with us, fucking her as he did, is still a turn on to me and something I most definitely do not regret.

It was obvious they would be into it with each other when I went into the room but what I saw was them lying next to each other on the bed, both of them naked from the waist in quite a physical 69 session. He had his hands behind her butt pulling her pussy to his face and she was eagerly sucking at his cock working to get that big head into her mouth. I don't think they saw me at first and I have to admit it was incredibly sexy to watch for a moment and to see each feeling so comfortable with each other. Every now and then one of her hands would guide his head to just where she wanted it and I can only guess that each time I heard him subtly moaning was when she must have spasmed at his licking. In my head it made me ache to think that he could probably taste her sweetness each time. She didn't look up at me at all, her eyes were closed the whole time (she's told me she feels self conscious, even with me, if she opens her eyes and sees me staring at her while she's sucking me) and there was no doubt she was into it based on her own moans.

I loved watching them, don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever tire of seeing her, but at the same time, the more I stood there, the earlier feelings started to return. The more I saw her getting into it, the more I felt myself truly feeling cuckolded.

I knew how she felt at that moment, in the past when it was us in the bed, after a good dinner and some drinks; I knew how she loves to be fucked. No, it's actually more like she 'needs' to be fucked. I knew it was something that we had only shared and it was another thing that she was now giving to him. A part of me felt like my stomach was being twisted in a knot and the other part of me had my cock raging hard and totally into it.

When I say she 'needs' to be fucked, it was obvious to me as I stood there in the doorway, that within a few minutes she became impatient with his licking and she pulled back from him and as she pushed him she saw me standing there. She looked at me for a second and I guess she liked what she saw as far as my expression was concerned for she smiled.

I can't recall every detail but as he stood next to the bed both of them took off their shirts and I guess it was maybe right around then that I think I finally accepted my own desires. As he climbed up onto the bed next to her I got undressed myself and for the first time, at least it felt like it, I didn't feel weird or shy or ashamed or whatever about me having a huge-hard-on seeing them together. I think Paul even looked up at me at one point and I had the distinct feeling he lingered staring at me looking down at my hard cock too.

I don't know what he said, maybe it was some way he moved, but as I sat on the edge of the other side of the bed I told him, "go for it". As he leaned down to start to kiss her neck she turned to me and smiled at me and she extended her left hand out towards me and encouraged me to put my cock in it. I was scared to move at first until I saw her fingers move to motion me over and it was only then that I realized I hadn't been looking anywhere other than her hand.


Perhaps one day they'll both relax and let me take a picture of them, that is of course, if I can remember to pick up the camera in the heat of the moment! There are times when I wish I had a picture to see if the mental one I have is really truthful because the view I remember seeing is of him playing with her pussy with one hand holding his cock and rubbing it up and down and the other of his hand with his fingers spreading her pussy open and revealing all of the dark pink wet interior that was waiting for him to fill with his cock.

Again, I still had that icky feeling, but I have to say that at that moment, I was very into seeing what he was doing to her and just how she was responding. I think I even said, "she wants you" as he was rubbing his cock up and down and he said something like, "you think so?" sarcastically and laughed. While he didn't say, "watch me fuck her", she did in her own way in that as I saw him rub up and down between her split pussy lips I felt her grasp my cock more firmly as he seemed to press against her to push into her.

Her eyes were closed and when they weren't, they were glazed over looking up at him and then down at where he was about to claim her. Even kneeling right next to her, it was such an intense moment as I watched his cock get all wet from her juices. It was like a million things were going on at once, her hand on my cock, her moans, how her chest heaved as he rubbed against her clit and then how she'd moan deeply as he rubbed that huge head on his cock against the entrance to her pussy.

I have to say that a part of me was happy to see that she was still pretty tight and that he had to take his time to get into her. I can't explain it, even despite my beta desires, somehow that thought made me happy at the moment. A moment later I watched him press his cock firmly against her and how friggin' intense it was to see her pussy spread open and then suddenly stretch around the head on his cock and almost seem to pull it in. He moved forward and pushed into her just a little bit more before I began to lose it.

He hoisted her knees back around his elbows in a position I knew so so well. In those few moments I began to feel hot and sort of out of control, woozy; dizzy and by the time I caught my thoughts and got myself together, they were really starting to get into it and he was just about in her all the way when I felt her let go of my cock. I knew she wouldn't even realize it and I was right. I watched her head thrash back and forth and for a moment I couldn't bear to look and I turned my head to looked around the room.

I said earlier that I think I realized that I do want this to happen and I do want to let her go as far as she wants. As I knelt there watching them and seeing the pictures of snow-scenes on the walls; hearing the cold wind outside; seeing our ski-clothes in a heap on the floor and, yes, hearing her beneath him, I realized that I loved what was happening. I didn't care and as I knelt there I started to stroke myself. I didn't want to cum but at the same time, I knew that this was the arousal I was going to want for later. Just as I'd felt seeing her achieve the Big-O with him before, now effortlessly, I was totally into watching them and watching her fulfil her own ski-lodge fantasy; to have her lover fuck her.

I admit to wanting to watch her let herself go just as she had with me so long ago when we were first dating. I could think back to so many nights when it was me drilling into her that it did give me feeling a bit of loss to think about it but, at the same time, I can remember how she would be after skiing. Her pussy would literally be dripping wet and throbbing crazily and now seeing her reach that frenzy again was just awesome.

I did not come out and root for him but I almost did. They moved effortlessly together and finally at some point she looked at me and said, "are you enjoying watching?" I nodded eagerly and heard them both laughed a little. She didn't say much but she definitely moved in slow-motion at times knowing I was watching including one time when she controlled her descent onto his cock so slowly that it was just incredibly erotic to see her slowly sink down onto him. I can't even count the number of times they changed positions but it was clear that as I'd said, she wanted it and I took a lot of pleasure seeing her like that, it felt good to watch them.

It may have taken a while and she had more than enough floating multiple-orgasms that I think she was almost numb from it all when I noticed that Paul was getting ready to cum. No surprise, he was on top of her; her choice. He was acting with the same things I know that I feel myself, shorter more deep and forceful thrusts, louder and louder moaning or grunting and yes, to witness her own responses.

Suzanna was sort of flailing about and when her left arm and hand came near me I reached out and held it in my hand. For that moment, she turned to me and I saw her eyes open and look at me for just a few seconds before they closed again. I loved that moment.

She didn't exactly hold my hand or respond to my grip but I swore I could feel everything through hers. Paul didn't say anything to me but I did detect that maybe he was grunting a little louder each time he thrust forward or maybe it was just in my head. He lay against her and held her tight while I held her hand and, as I said, just from how her hand felt, how it twitched a little, I knew when he'd cum in her.

I knew if I touched my cock at that point I'd have cum myself and I have to be honest and say that at that moment, while I might have cum on a hair-trigger, that I so wanted her to enjoy that moment with him and the one that was about to come. He pushed into her deeply one last time and then everything stopped for a moment until he then began fucking her again, slowly at first but then as I could see myself, he'd cum a huge amount in her and it was now running out of her all over as he continued fucking her.

I knew what I was about to see in front of me and I so wanted it. It felt so weird and even now, it just feels so crazy to have wanted it but I did and I still do; I loved it. A thin ring of foamy whiteness appeared as he thrust in and out of her and slowly, over about a minute, her response built and built until she began to scream in response to each thrust. He pulled her butt upwards and buried himself in her even deeper and pushing more upwards into her body than downwards into the bed and that did it, she convulsed beneath him almost like she was having a seizure. She cried out, thrashed about as a huge orgasm washed over her. Had I not known to expect it, I might have been scared, but at that moment all I could hear was their breathing and all I could see was him lying against her with her lying almost motionless beneath him.

As he began to move off of her was when he remembered that I was still there. He saw me watching and I guess he figured out what I was hoping to catch sight of because he arched his back away from her and said something like, "is this what you want to see?" as he pulled out of her.

He was softened now but the head on his cock was still big and came out of her, dare I compare, just like a cork out of bottle in a squirt-like motion. She lay motionless, I don't think she realized how he'd left her but I was enjoying it as he let her left leg down as he pulled out said something like, "this turns you on, huh?"

It was more rhetorical because my cock was rock hard as I knelt there and he could see it was. He rolled to her right side away from me and it was then that she did something that stung, as he rolled onto his side, she rolled along with him and all I could see was her back and hips as she hugged him. I wished I could have held her hand at that moment but as she hugged him Paul looked up at me and something about the way he looked just said to me that I should go and wait in the other room … so I did.

It was maybe 10 minutes later I heard some noise in the bathroom and Suzanna came out in just her robe and sat next to me on the couch. She held my hand and told me she loved me and that she loved feeling me there with her and that she hoped I was okay. She smiled when she felt my hard-on and said, "you'll have some time later with me" and as we heard the bathroom door open she kissed me and said "but you have to wait till later".

Paul came out into the living room and kissed Suzanna and he was pretty open with me, he said to me, "she was really something tonight" or something to that effect and Suzanna answered him with a playful, "you weren't so bad yourself". He laughed and said, "I really needed that" to which she replied, "I can tell, you're going to make me sore for tomorrow". He whispered something else that I couldn't hear but it made her giggle.

I was getting a drink in the kitchen when Paul came in and asked for a beer and he sort of fist-bumped me and said, "Man, she's really awesome; not sure what you get out of it but if you're cool with this, I can get used to it!" He opened the beer, took a sip and said, "you okay man?" and when I nodded, thinking about what he'd said, I heard him say something like, " … you must really be into this with her". He turned and walked back out to her sitting on the couch. By the time I joined them they were making out again.

I was a lot more comfortable and after their kiss Paul looked over at me and asked me if they should go into the bedroom. I looked at Suzanna and said ,"no, it's okay … " and took a breath and added, " … I like watching her with you".

They went back to their make-out session and to be honest, I daydreamed for a while watching. He undid her robe and eventually pulled it off of her but when he started playing with her wet pussy she began to get feisty and after a second he got up and said, "let’s go" and he walked back to the bedroom. She came up to me holding her robe in her arm and kissed me and said, "I love you so much" and she gave me a quick hug. Feeling her bare breasts against me and holding her bare butt in my hand as I kissed her back, I am sure she could feel how hard I still was.

Perhaps the most intense moment of the night was watching her walk away from me towards the bedroom and then go in with him.

I thought that I would give them some time alone but, to be honest, once the noises started, I was overwhelmed by the need to see her again. This time, by the time I decided to peer in, he was already in her as she knelt at the edge of the bed. He knew just how to hold her and just how to touch her and as I stood there I saw that he knew just how to playfully swat her butt and make her moan into the pillow she was leaning into. He pushed really hard into her after each time he'd slap her a little harder and I could see a reddened area on her butt. I couldn't believe she was letting him do this to her, it was a game we'd played a little like this and I knew she liked it, but seeing him do it to her was totally crazy! Good thing I kept my boxers on or I'd have been spurting away already.

They were really into it and I admit I was surprised that he was so ready for a second time but there was no doubt he was. What really freaked me out was that one time he pulled out of her completely and as she thrust her butt up in the air trying to get him to push back into her I saw him place a gentle swat right on her pussy which made her cry out loud. I swear a dribble of wetness ran down her thigh as he pushed back into her just after that slap.

It was a true beta-evening for me because he repeatedly pulled himself out of her and at least 5 or 6 times I watched him do just that again, pull out of her leaving her gaping open and it made me cringe as he would gently slap her spread pussy such that his fingers made perfect contact with her. I've done this before with her but had never seen her or even heard her tell me that she had let anyone else do this to her; now, she was eagerly thrusting her butt upwards and outwards with each time. She began to scream just as he'd pull out of her knowing what he was about to do and then she'd moan deeply into the pillow as he'd slap her and then just push himself back into her.

I watched her orgasm over and over as she let him use her. I don't know how I stood there and watched without stroking or anything but I did. In one sense I was totally freaked out by it but, at the same time I have to say, it was also maybe the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, to see her let herself just go like that and to hear the garbled moans as she struggled to stay on her knees to encourage him even more. She screamed at him many times 'Oh Paul!' or 'Oh my god!' or "What are you doing to me?" and each time I saw her double over as yet another orgasm washed over her.

(She told me later that she knew I was there at first but then admits that as he continued to slap her she couldn't feel or think or do anything other than let it just happen. It was sooo sexy to hear her say that.)

I stood there as the two of them went at it until she did collapsed forward on the bed struggling for breath. I'll say that it was a very weird moment because I was seeing Paul standing there at that moment his cock was rock hard and glistening wet from Suzanna's pussy. He climbed onto the edge of the bed and it surprised me how eagerly she turned over onto her back. This time there was no loving glance over at me, nor should there have been.

It was an eye opening cuckold moment for me because watching him enter her again, I realized that I do want this and in a strange way, at that moment I accepted that I want her to take this where she wants and that even if it happens sooner, yes, I can accept it.

Seeing her give herself to him that second time Saturday night was just beautiful. As he started to fuck her deeper and deeper I sat sideways on the edge of the bed and I caught myself saying things to Paul like, "give it to her". Although it felt weird to say it, I told her she looked beautiful but I also saw in her reaction when she heard my voice that said she didn't want me talking to her at that moment, so instead I correctly reasoned I should just sit quiet and enjoy it.

A few moments later I watched him, seemingly effortlessly, bring her to yet another Big-O which this time, left her motionless. He was above her the whole time with none of the closeness of the last time, instead I watched him just fuck her till she couldn't move … literally. He turned his head and, I think if he was surprised that I was there, as he smiled and said, "I can't believe you just watched me do that to her?"

I didn't know what to say other than a feeble 'yeah' and he smiled and said something like, "Might as well watch this again too then". He waited for me to move over a bit then he lifted himself off of her and again he let me watch him pull his fat cock out of her. I swear I heard a slight pop. I looked at her lying limply there, clearly she'd been well and truly fucked and a thick wetness seeped out of her.

I didn't realize Paul had climbed off the bed until I heard the sink in the bathroom. I leaned down and lay next to her, too scared to touch her for a few minutes. Instead, I put my arm around her head and pulled the sheet up to her waist. She murmured and then slightly opened her eyes, saw me and smiled, closed her eyes once more and pulled me close.

Paul came back out of the bathroom naked and stood there and started to get dressed. He talked to me quietly. I guess he had heard me whispering to Suzanna so figured he should talk low. He said something like, "Steve, not sure what you get out of this but if you're not complaining, then I guess neither should I". It was friendly but he was also pointedly saying it.

He sat on the other side of the bed and Suzanna opened her eye and rolled towards him and sat up to talk. She turned to me and said, "can we have a minute" and I took the opportunity to go and take a piss. When I returned it was to see that the sheet had been pushed down and it was obvious he'd been playing with her. I came out of the bathroom just as he was giving her a goodbye kiss which she was obviously responding to. He stood up and reached out to shake my hand saying with a laugh, "Thanks man, I'm going to have to come skiing with you guys again".

He told us both to enjoy the next day skiing and then joked with Suzanna that ,"I hope you'll be in a fit state to ski!". I interpreted that as referring to the fucking she'd just had.

I locked the door behind him and came back in the bedroom. She was laying there with the sheet pulled up above her breasts this time. She patted the bed next to her and when I sat down hugged and kissed me and said thank-you. She told me that it was such a wonderful evening that I deserved to have some relief myself. Then she gave me 'that look' and said that I can fuck her with a condom on but that I shouldn't expect her to cum.

I started to complain and tell her that it's not right and that I feel like I'm just using her pussy and that it doesn't feel right if she doesn't want it. I know I was talking myself out of fucking her but with my newfound beta feelings I honestly would have been okay jerking off at that point

She pulled me close and said that while she may not cum with me, she said that she wanted to share herself with me and that she wanted me to feel satisfied; that she wanted to feel me cum in her (in the condom) and that is what I should focus on and enjoy and to not worry about her feelings.

I started to question her again but then realized she was being sincere. I was rock hard when I rolled the condom on and she told me that I should enjoy it. Again she said while she would likely not cum with me, that she would enjoy it.

It barely took me just a few minutes. She teased me with little comments about how worn out she felt; how she felt as Paul had fucked her. I don't think she was surprised at all when I couldn't hold back and after just a few short moments as I pushed firmly into her, she held me as she knew I was about to cum. She whispered, "go on honey, let it go, cum in me" and that was it. I grunted and shot my load into the condom.

As we lay together afterwards she told me that she would always feel this way; that she would always want to feel me and know that I came 'in her'. I told her I loved her and loved hearing her saying that even if I had thoughts that it might not be strictly true.

I guess it was just before midnight Saturday night that I pulled the filled condom off and tossed it aside and we both fell into an exhausted asleep together. It was pretty funny to wake in the morning and find ourselves both sticky and cum-caked! Laughing, she pulled me tight to her and told me that she loved me and that she loved what we'd shared the night before.


We were in a bit of a rush to check out and get over to the slopes for a final day's skiing. After turning in our keys we were finally skiing by about 10am.

As yesterday, it was cold but the skiing was great; really great and I was so into it that I had little thought about what we had done last night. Indeed, completely forgotten about most everything until we had a moment alone on a lift ride when no one else was with us and she leaned over to whisper, "I can feel that I'm still wet from last night" and with that she sat back up and just looked out at the snow as we rode the lift.

I turned and stared at her and after a moment she turned back to me, burst out laughing and said, "you said you wanted to know that" and she kissed me. We rode for a few more minutes before she leaned over and this time giggling she said, "remember when it was you who would leave me feeling like this?”

Damn did that sting … but it also gave me a wicked hard-on in my ski-pants.


She was pretty tired last night and she slept most of the ride home while I drove but we did talk a little and she said that she hoped I understood what she'd said last night. She repeated that she couldn't say it'd be every time but she did say that she would always want to feel me cum in her and that, even if we do go towards a bit more denial, I should always know that, "every now and then I am still going to want to feel you". She then told me that she would appreciate it if I wouldn't expect it so much but she promised that she would surprise me sometime.

She then added that unless she hadn't been with Paul in a while she doubted she would cum with me. She also told me that I shouldn't expect that or push for that and that if she wanted it, that she would also let me know.

I brought up again about how it feels kind of weird just using her to cum like that if she's not into it and she said, "baby, if I tell you it's okay, then it's okay. Let's leave it at that".


We haven't really talked too much more as with the snow today she went into the office late and got home maybe half an hour later than usual. I had dinner in the oven and ready to be served in about 10 minutes (not much effort to re-heat some lasagne!) and I had time to get my thoughts straightened out.

I guess the short of it is that I am having less issues in accepting my beta desires and Paul seems such a nice guy so there should be nothing for me to be concerned about. I admit to still being a bit confused and if I let myself think about things, then I do get a bit angsty.

I'm hoping we have some time to talk later tonight some more. She seems a little tense so I'm going to stop thinking and get the dinner on the table.


Our talk on the ride home last night had her asking if I was honest when I told her that it totally turned me on that she and Paul had been as into each other as they had been. I admitted that it turned me on that he fucked her while we were away skiing.

She asked me how I would have been if we hadn't had sex after Paul had left. I was honest and told her that I was surprised that she had wanted me.

She told me she felt like things were happening that she wasn't necessarily ready for or that she thought she'd want so soon. She said she wanted to be sure that I would have been okay because, she admitted to me that she would have rather not had sex with me but at the same time, she also wanted to feel the closeness with me. She said that she wanted to give me that pleasure but she says she feels conflicted because despite wanting to do that for me, she also wanted to enjoy the 'post-sex time' without me.

I have been trying to break myself down in a way and accept my beta desires and I told her that she shouldn't feel she needs to do something for me unless she wants it for herself. She looked at me and said that was what she felt conflicted about; that she was concerned about losing touch with me but, at the same time, she recognizes that it turns me on and that it IS what she wants.

I held her and told her that I wasn't sure about everything either but there was no denying I loved that she'd fucked him as she did. She was quiet until I told her that we could do it again if she wanted and that I was okay with it but I 'warned' her that next time I was surely going to 'relieve myself' rather than waiting. That made her burst out in a huge smile and she hugged me and kissed me and said that she would love to see that. She actually admitted that it might make her feel more comfortable.

It never dawned on me until she said that, what she and he were doing, was turning me on enough that I'd masturbate from the desire and the excitement.

It all seemed to fit together. I admit I still am hesitant and reluctant to let go and truly be the beta, but I am quite sure that it is going to happen and likely sooner than I'd thought. The crazy part is that I want it. It just turns me on so much that she did it.

It’s like I said, there was a time that we used to share such intensity. To see her have it with him, I don't know why, but it feels like watching a repeat of so much that continues to turn me on till this day.


As much as we've spoken of acceleration, Suzanna revealed that she's not quite ready for everything to happen quite so quickly just yet.

Last night she made it clear that she isn't ready to take that step herself. She told me openly that when she's with Paul she feels an increased desire to separate from me sexually but, at the same time, she also said that she isn't yet ready to end all physical contact between us. I sympathised with that train of thought and she was surprised that I had given it any thought but she was pleased that my ideas were a lot in tune with what she was feeling.

She said again how she felt the pressure that she had to be sexy and responsive whenever I was feeling horny. She asked me how I felt about it now that she is able to not feel that way so much. I told her that I agreed it was giving us a lot more time together when we can feel close but not necessarily sexually.

We talked about my beta desires and she wanted to feel more assured by what I wanted and we talked again about how she would like to find that I'd been so turned on that I'd jerked off. She said if she knew that then she wouldn't then feel the conflict at knowing I was still horny even when she wasn't or didn't want to be with me.

I put her mind at rest by owning up to feeling thrilled that Paul had fucked her like he did when we were away skiing. She told me quite openly that it was one of the most intense times she'd ever had with him and that she'd never quite cum with anyone, even me, like that before.

I told her that it was the combination of her horniness after skiing and the entire scene that made her that way. She thanked me for letting her have that experience and then asked if we can do it again. I told her that I thought we could work it out and she asked if he could maybe stay with us. I told her okay and she kissed me and promised me that she would make sure it was good for me, "even if you don't get to have me" and we talked about that.

She said that she had loved feeling me cum and knew that I needed it, but she also said that next time, especially if he spends the night, that I will not have a turn with her. Then we rehashed what she'd said to me before, that she would love to know and see that I'd been so aroused by what they were doing that I'd jerked off and that I didn't need to feel her and cum in her.

She told me that, confirming my own thoughts, that she would be very pleased to know that I'd jerked off and that she would have been relieved to know that and that she would have just enjoyed how she felt as we went to bed together. "It's going to be that way sooner or later anyway baby....”


Probably the biggest thing though was talking about what she wants for the future. I was so hard and oozing pre-cum already that when she hugged me and told me that she wanted to begin spending one night a week with Paul and then maybe let it grow to 2 nights.

I really started to get horny and knew I wouldn't last much longer. She knew just what to say to me; she teased me about leaving some of her stuff at his place, panties and other clothes and feminine hygiene stuff. I was so hard already as she told me how I shouldn't just think of them going to sleep together but of her being with him in the morning. She knew that thought really pushed my buttons and when she talked about how comfortable she will be showering and getting ready with him, "you know, getting dressed and putting my make up on".

I must have grunted because she giggled and said, "he likes that I don't mind peeing while he's in the bathroom with me". Holy crap, did that push me almost to the edge?! but it was when she told me that I've only filled 6 condoms with her and that Paul has fucked her at least 12 times already this year that I started to feel myself ready to cum. She cooed at how she thinks, "only feeling his stuff in me is really making me horny for him … " that was when I spurted all over the place!


Suzanna told me last night that Paul wasn't going to be around this weekend but she did then tell me that I should expect him to be coming over next weekend, Valentines weekend.

She just left for work and mentioned that she wanted some time for us this weekend. Talk about ups and downs.


Fresh book needed!