Journal of a Journey - Book 87

I know what will be coming and things are going to wane sexually between Suzanna and me. I can feel it in some ways already and I know that my actions are continuing to push the ball in that direction even more as I know that this next time once she goes bare with him it will further things. It actually has me wicked hard right now to think that in some ways, this is the longest she's now gone without having sex with me or Paul (or whoever going further back) and cumming in her. I'm rock hard and smiling now thinking that for the past several months she's had sex with whoever and feeling their cum in her 3 maybe 4 or more times a week and now, if she waits till tomorrow, it'll be 6 days! Withdrawal or what?!!

But joking aside; I know what is coming; I can feel her pulling back from me sexually and it turns me on to think about it. Last night fucking her and the thoughts that she'll only truly 'feel' Paul now got me so crazy excited. I know it's weird and it's crazy and cannot be explained why it turns me on like it does. All I can say for sure is that these last 2 times we've fucked, when I've cum in her (well, cum in the condom in her) it has been an incredible turn-on. It left me with that same satisfied, fulfilled feeling as I had last time knowing that she hasn't had that big post-fuck orgasm with me. I can't explain why (I mean she cums with me still and, as far as I can tell so far, she wants to) but the reality is that we both are feeling good about her not feeling that big-orgasm with me and I cannot deny that I love knowing that she will have it with him.


She is seeing him alone tonight and I actually expect her home anytime soon. Fortunately (or unfortunately) my year has begun with a bit of chaos at work so I had to 'work' late myself so our kids knew we'd both be home late so they scattered like the wind and, now, I am here in an empty house.

I admit that I'm a bit more anxious resuming condom-use with her than I was with Robert. I think that anxiety stems from the more frank and open conversations we've had about what may come in the future. Despite my acceptance of my own desires and embracing the adventure, I think that when I take the time to think it through, especially like this evening when I'm here alone, I admit that some darker thoughts do come to mind. But, at the same time, she really has been awesome about everything and has kept her word about how things would be. I do believe if I told her I wasn't ready on New Year’s Eve, that she would have accepted that and been okay with it. I think that's where I also feel more confident because this is definitely something she wants and it's not being driven or as far as I know, pushed for by Paul. In my head that totally seems to change things when I focus on that as something she wants, unusual as it might seem.

I find myself sometimes in wonder that our desires have merged as well as they have. A part of me feels really good about that, that we've both been honest enough to say what we feel and that in many ways, we've both adapted a bit to make what we want mutually rewarding. That part is what I think keeps me going and keeps my horniness up and is probably a big part of my accepting my own desires; that she wants it to be good for me too.

I seem to have a perpetual hard-on when I think about her in any way not just sexually. It's weird to say it but I can feel myself observing, listening and appreciating her more. It's subtle but I find myself catching it as I am thinking it and saying to myself 'that's something new'.

I'll admit that I've become very focused on her hair. She's let it grow in a bit longer than before and as we lie in bed at night I find a lot of pleasure and closeness feeling her against me and me playing with her hair. I know it makes her feel close to me so if that's what is going to replace the sex between us, it's not a terrible thing.

I am not going to masturbate tonight despite how horny I am feeling right now, I just want us to resume our usual Wednesday night routine. I think there will be a definite increase in how I feel lying next to her tomorrow night.


We resumed our usual Wednesday night rituals last night after the prior two were pre-empted by the holiday.

She asked me how satisfying it was masturbating and I told her that it depended on things, that when I'm together with her and it's something we share, that it's very satisfying and that I seem to cum a lot more. I was honest with her though and said that when I'm alone and just horny, that it's obviously not as deeply satisfying but that it's enjoyable nonetheless.

She said that she liked that it was better for me when we were together and again told me how she always loved to watch me cum. I know she where she was inkling around and sure enough, later on before I came, she did ask me whether just masturbating would be satisfying enough for me or whether I would probably always need to be able to have some kind of sex with her. I told her that wasn't easy to answer as it changed depending on how long we were talking about me, well I said it, being 'denied'.

I felt my cock throb when she clarified that, "… so for a little while it'd be okay but not something you could do without for the long term". Before I could answer her she added, "… and does it still turn you on to think about it?”

I gulped and struggled to answer but did tell her yes.

As I lay there stroking away she told me that it seemed to really turn her on to see my hard cock and for her to know that after 30 years, that it's not the 'main cock' that she now thinks about. My god, did that turn me on. I know some of this was for my edification and after she heard the grunt and saw my obvious physical arousal, she continued to tease me and told me how horny it made her that she no longer was having my cum in her. It was how she said it, something like, "and none of your cum either". I know it seems crazy that this should excite me, but there is no doubting that it did.

Later on when she cooed in my ear that she wanted to see me cum, adding that she wanted to see it, "on you and not in me", it really pushed me. Whatever she said at the end (I can't even recall how she said it but she mentioned her pussy) and how horny it made her to see me cum, that was it, I spewed a monstrously huge load! Even she was surprised and she pulled back a bit as I stroked out more and more until I was spent.

She lay next to me and with one finger playing with my cum she kissed my face and talked softly to me. She told me how erotic it was watching me and how she hoped that would be something that made me feel good and fulfilling as we'd talked earlier. She didn't need to tell me what she was thinking but what did make me feel wonderful was when she pulled my face to hers and told me she loved me and that she'd never felt closer to me. A moment later she smiled and said, "ready?" and when I nodded yes, she brought a finger full of my cum up to my lips. As I licked it off, she leaned down and kissed me.

I didn't say anything but it turned me on in a crazy way when I thought that this will be the only way she'll ingest my cum now for a while.


Hard to believe it, but I am actually ahead of Paul in having sex with her! She is so horny to have been with him that last night it was her that I teased while we were having sex and she was very into it and teased me right back. It was great, I loved the closeness last night including her quite apparent need to cum with me even with me using a condom.

So it's now 3 for me and 2 for Paul so far.

It was almost normal, you might even say in that there was some passion and desire between us. I am thinking she wanted a bit more foreplay to increase her pleasure and I guess I was right because she came easily and at many times was thrusting upwards at me as I plunged into her. She groaned at how thick I felt compared to Paul, at feeling like I was stretching her open and she teased me that she felt Paul more when he was deeper inside her. It will probably sound weird but that turned me on so much to think that she likes how he feels different than me.

I know she felt satisfied when we were done, my god she was wet and huffing and puffing, but I also know that she didn't have that big-O that I can't give her without cumming inside her. She told me when we were lying next to each other later on, "that was just right", and it was her inflection on 'was' that I know what she meant was that she'd kept the Big-O as something she would only have with Paul. It was just how she said it that convinces me of that. She also commented on how, "of course I miss the feeling", but she added that, "… baby, it is better for us if you don't" as she talked about not being messy as I pulled the condom off.

I'll say it clearly now though, I get such a rush out of seeing it, the condom full and knowing after all this time together that I'm not cumming in her and only her lover is allowed. Seeing it and seeing her reddened but otherwise somewhat unsoiled pussy, knowing that it's something I'm giving away to her lover, I can't explain it but it is erotic enough to even get me hard a second time. She even commented, "my, you're horny", as she saw my cock thickening back up but she giggled and said, "if you need more, you'll have to do it yourself!"


Otherwise, regarding Paul, she's met him for lunch but our ******** has been hovering around lately (bored now after 3 weeks of winter break) so Suzanna's very cautious. With the cold weather she all but came out and said it that otherwise she'd have done it with him at lunch; that made me horny. Otherwise, they've only seen each other this past Tuesday and so far she's not shared anything other than that. So, at least for last night, she satisfied herself with me but I can see her eagerly looking forward to somehow getting to seeing him soon.

I may suggest to the kids later today that '***'s taking mom out' one night next week and for me to take her up to Paul’s. I know that's what would be the right thing to do, just need the right moment here to say it.


After having a lot of fun together on Friday night when Saturday night came around I was thinking maybe she'd be horny, after all, not having seen Paul and such. We had some alone-time and Suzanna came to me and said that she wanted to talk to me upstairs in the bedroom. So, I was thinking maybe she was still horny.

Well, she came to me with sort of the opposite and said she wanted to talk to me. She was all over the place but what it came down to is that she is confused and I guess, in a way, it's my fault. I got the feeling she wanted to know was whether it was something I still really wanted to do; to be the beta for her. When I said 'yes' she said to me that she got the impression that Friday night that I didn't want it and that she felt that I was really trying to make her cum. I told her that I did still want it but that I guessed I'd let my old self out and that I thought I was trying to 'make up' for her not being with Paul.

She looked at me and she said that she loved me and that she knew that what I was doing was something that I thought was the right thing but that she felt that maybe I shouldn't 'try so hard' with her and that, at one point, she came out and said that she wanted to let this happen if it's what I want and she said that she felt herself feeling conflicted. She asked me if I needed her to cum with me to feel okay and I had to tell her no, that I could cum without it. She said that she would still cum with me when she needed and wanted to (and she admitted that she did on Friday) but that she wanted me to make sure I understood and that I was okay with it.

We talked a bit more and she told me that she knew this wasn't going to be easy for me. She held my hand and really looked at and talked to me and she told me that she did want it. She kept looking me straight in the face and said that she did want to do it, that she could understand if I was getting cold-feet about it but it was obvious she wanted me to answer her seriously. She told me, "it'll be alright baby", and that she was sure that it wasn't going to be that bad after we got used to it; she even apologized to me for 'being needy' in that she sort of admitted that she felt a little guilty herself at it.

I knew I was wrong in a way. I told her so; I told her that I knew I needed to have my release and when I felt her responding, that I went with it. She told me, matter of factly, that in the future that she'd 'probably feel pretty good' but that I should remember that while she will feel good when she wants it (and she even said, "if I want more from you baby, I'll tell you"!); that as she gets more into being with Paul, that it will be more just-for-me than anything else. I told her that she'd said this before and that I guess she meant it.

She looked at me and said that this wasn't easy for her, especially when she isn't seeing Paul as much as she wants to and she knew it wasn't easy for me to hear it from her but again, she came back to 'if it's really what you want' that I should try to fulfil my side of it too.

At one point I told her that I wasn't sure I was ready for this so soon into January and she said that it's making her feel more on-edge because of the kids still being home and she admitted that if she was seeing Paul as much as she'd wanted (like before Christmas) that she didn't think it would be as much of thought on her part.

Our talking continued where she told me that she'd been trying for a while to really get herself mentally into what we were doing and that it wasn't easy over the holidays with how all of the dynamics changed. She asked at first and then changed her mind, then changed again and finally told me that after the kids go back to school that she wants to spend a night with him … soon. She said that they talked about maybe after the kids leave at the end of the month. I asked her if that meant he would come to our house and she said, "I hope".

I didn't want to make this conversation as something confrontational. It wasn't. It was actually very loving and included a lot of time of us holding hands or hugging and kissing. She looked at me was we hugged when she felt my hard-on and at one point she giggled as she cupped my cock and said, "I love that. This tells me that you are okay about all of this". Even though it wasn't a Wednesday night as we talked she looked at me and said that she loved that I was horny about it and that she 'knew' it was okay for me.


Unfortunately we had to make a visit to some ****** friends yesterday who are Jewish and had a death in their ****** so we visited them yesterday afternoon for a little while. That sort of put us out of the mood for last night and as we were getting to bed she turned to me and asked me if I would help 'clear the way' for her to see him on Tuesday. She kissed me and said, "I hope you understand and am okay with this". I hugged her back and I said, "it's fine baby" and in my head all I can think is that she needs it with him which makes me so horny to think about.

I don't know how things will change with Paul over time. Clearly, he knows that I've started to use condoms with her so to me it really becomes a question of whether their time together should be just theirs. That answer, I think, can only come from her. A part of me has the feeling that she doesn't want to really be doing it with me while she's with him. I guess if she's not going to cum and be into it with me, that it would be a little weird if I was taking a turn with her. Again, I still don't have the full read-out on how things will wind up between the 3 of us and I suspect that until our kids leave again and things go back to their former 'norm', that I won't know.


She’s not seeing him till tomorrow night when we are 'both', as we told the kids, going out for dinner but in truth I shall be picking her up from work and taking her over to his.

When I drop her off at Paul’s I expect them to embrace on the doorstep. They always do 'hug and kiss' when they first meet she goes in his house (or when he comes here), sometimes it's less passionate than others. Actually, my perception is the level of passion has been rising and she is not shy about going and getting changed quite soon after she's gotten there (or if he's come here). It is still a bit surprising and abrupt to see her come back out changed into something so open sexually but she says that she does it as it lets her forget the day, the traffic, the weather or whatever so that she is able more to concentrate on him

In our talk over this past weekend she's begun to tell me that she wants to share more details with me; that she's feeling comfortable that now that I'm using condoms and am back into beta-mode more; that she wants to do more of that, tease me by sharing more.

So far with this relationship with Paul she doesn't tell me nearly as much as I would like to hear but again, hopefully that will change with my request and desire to be the beta so that maybe it will become more the norm. She does share more on Wednesdays in terms of details but they aren't all totally sexual so I don't always share them.

Lastly, we tentatively talked about the weekend when we'll go away skiing and likely invite Paul. We aren't sure whether he would prefer to travel with us or meet us there. He is a skier so he may want to do more or go elsewhere for another day or so after we leave or before we get there, making his own arrangements. When we talked we agreed that if costs for condos were low enough that we would rent a 2 bedroom condo but if costs were too high then a single might have to do. Also uncertain is whether they will spend the night together or just have sex and she would come back to my room. Again, much will depend on what happens over the next 2 weeks until we have our empty-nest and then what happens after that.


It is clear that Suzanna really saw the year starting in a pattern she wanted even if it wasn't achievable immediately and this came to me as a bit of shock. I knew this was going to happen and it's what I wanted to have happen and to be a part of, I just didn't quite expect her to take a stand so soon. A part of me feels that once she's seeing Paul on a more regular basis, that life will settle down and we'll hopefully get back to at least 1x a week for the near future.

I didn't really expect the little comments she'd been making to boil over but I also suspect she may have let herself go with me last Friday a bit more than she'd wanted to and then didn't feel the way she wanted to afterwards.

I guess there really is no other way to look at it other than she is clearly taking control.

It's exciting, my god, to see the love of my life feeling so horny and tormented about herself and her sexual desires for another man. It is also a bit scary that it's taking wing with her and that she truly wants this in the sense that I am having to getting myself acclimated to this. I guess we've had some false starts and some uncertainty before but she does seem pretty well set with what she wants. Much as I want this to happen, I think I will probably always have some hesitation right up to the end.


Back to Tuesday for a moment. As I went to pick her up from work I thought to myself that I had missed helping her pick out what she might bring to wear at Paul’s lingerie-wise but a moment later I realized that he has a closet full of dress-shirts and that's all she wants. It was a thought that kept me horny the entire time I was driving.

Without getting into gory details, Suzanna was very bouncy when she came out of work and was very thankful and complimentary to me that I was doing this for her, going to all this trouble of taking her to Paul’s and helping cover it with the kids. She kissed me and reached over and felt that my cock was hard and she smiled and told me she loved me. It's going to sound cliché but every kiss now seems to carry a bit more meaning and connection for me.

We talked about everything and nothing. We stopped along the way for something to eat at a pizza place near her job but the drive went by quickly and I have to say, I got the most awesome turn-on as I pulled up in front of Paul's place knowing I was bringing her to him. It felt weird but I almost couldn't wait to get her inside.

Their greeting of each other has become much more demonstrative and this time was no different as they kissed, passionately, for at least 30 seconds or more (I looked at my watch!) and the passion that I saw between them that actually made me smile. Paul reached around Suzanna and greeted me with a nice handshake and said, "glad you could come along" which sounded sincere.

It was rather comfortable, I think we've all relaxed with each other by now and I don't think they feel the urgency to climb all over each other immediately. I can say that I felt quite comfortable getting myself a beer as he poured Suzanna a glass of wine. We then took time to catch up on the past week, much about nothing, idle talk, news, sports and weather and then into our second round of drinks she moved to sit next to him and from there, their chumminess rose and they began with the touchy-feely stuff! A few minutes later Suzanna got up and announced that she was going to get more comfortable.

I knew what that meant and that she'd only be gone a few minutes leaving me alone with Paul.

In those moments Paul and I looked at each other and I sort of started to tell him a bit more. I told him that Suzanna was really into him and that I was into her being into him. He said something again about how awesome she is and I finally got the nerve up to tell him something like, "yeah, she says you really do it for her".

He smiled and started to pooh-pooh it and said, "yeah but you guys...." and I interrupted him and finally got the nerve to say to him, "she's starting to want you more and more... " and hesitated but came out and said, " …. and it may sound weird but that's okay with me". He said stuff about not wanting to hurt us (Suzanna and I) and not wanting to come between us. I finally hushed him a bit and said, "look, we've been talking and if she wants this to get more intense with you, then it's okay with me".

I don't recall exactly what he said but he said something about this being 'so crazy' and then, "are you sure?” It seemed like the ice had been broken wide open. I told him that this was something we'd both wanted to try and that it really turned me on to see her wanting him like she is.

At that point I started to feel that he was getting it. He changed from saying it's crazy and all that to saying, "wow, that's really cool …. if you're okay with it" and then after I nodded my head several times he smiled and laughed for a second and he said something to the effect of, "I haven't had sex this good in years". I told him that Suzanna had let me know that she really enjoyed being with him and that, "even I can tell that" from what I'd seen when I'd been there with them.

No, I didn't tell him anything more than that; I didn't mention anything about alpha or beta, but Suzanna did share with me last night that she and Paul did talk about it when they were alone on Tuesday after I gave them their space. She said that she came out and told him that at some point she just wants to be having sex with him. She said that he didn't believe it at first and had said, "is Stefan okay with that?" She told him I was and after she talked to him for a little longer that he said, "oh, he was talking about that earlier".

It's late and I need to run right now (another crazy day at work) but I confirm that I did stay with them while they had sex the first time on Tuesday. I did as I've done before, let them go up first and then followed after a few minutes and just watched them cavort. My god, she was unrestrained! I felt almost like a proud parent at one point as I watched her climb up on top of him and ride his cock until she came all over him! So amazing to see this wetness appear and then see it whipped up to a mild froth as she ground herself against him. She saw me standing there and then did this cute thing of telling, insisting, that Paul not cum in her as she looked at me. She rolled off him and moved onto her back and said to Paul, "Stefan wants to watch" as they moved into the missionary position. She looked just so beautiful beneath him.


Suzanna's been a bit melancholy. It's something I noticed and pointed out to her again, that she's moodier and out of sorts when she doesn't see him.

We talked a lot since the other night. It was different being with them with Paul now being more aware of just how Suzanna feels and what we both want. She says he's still not sure about it all but that he seems to understand more. I surely felt different being with them. I can't explain it but they surely seemed to be more relaxed and into things. He knows her preference of 'missionary' and he stayed above her on his extended arms much more. She seemed to lay back and, my god, I could see her enjoy it even more. I still can't put it into words but seeing him with her and in her, for as horny as I was, I so wanted to just stay and watch and be a part of it. I was glued to watching him penetrating her, fully in her and seeing her snug herself down even further to take him deeper. Watching and just feeling the heat between them it was awesome. Seeing them cum together, I can't explain it but even without cumming, the feeling of satisfaction seeing the both of them was just incredible.

I'll even say that when he pulled out of her that as she lay there so comfortably and let me see what he'd done to her, that he looked at me and I don't know if he meant to ask me or if it was planned or what but he asked me if I wanted to take a turn with her! Holy crap did that hit me, it was just how he said it. I was caught off guard and after a moment I told them both that I just wanted to watch them, but I cannot describe how it felt to have her lover ask me if I wanted to take a turn with my wife!

I took Suzanna home after fucking her boyfriend silly on Tuesday and I told her on Wednesday that having waited, knowing she was still wet from him had made me crazy! Needless to say, we talked about it on Wednesday and she complimented me that I must have been so horny but was impressed that I had waited till Wednesday to finally cum.


We did have sex this past Friday night as that's something that Suzanna has indicated she wants, at least one night a week for us to still connect sexually … for now. She also made it clear that she would let me know if she wanted more than that.

As we lay in bed Saturday night I was still horny about everything especially when my thoughts strayed to include the long weekend. As we watched TV I felt like a kid as I saw out of the corner of my eye that her night-shirt had ridden up and that I could see her pussy. It took a while but she eventually noticed and I wasn't sure how she'd respond. Surprisingly, she looked at me and said something like, "you can see more if you want" and with that she pulled her night-shirt up more and let me see all of her from the waist down. When she saw my 'interest' rising she said that all I could do was look and that she did not want any sexual contact from me and then added that if I was horny that I should take care of it myself.


She is quite horny today and we've already decided that we'll find a way for her to go see Paul tomorrow after work on her own leaving me to come home and do dinner with our kids. As I mentioned, we've been talking a lot and yesterday she again told me how she liked how things were between us, that we can be close and even somewhat sexual with each other and it doesn't have to lead to sex.

She told me how happy she's feeling and has again told me that she'd never really noticed it before but now there's a lack of stress. She said that before she felt there was always this tension she felt, that if she was acting sexy and I was horny, that she'd felt almost an obligation to have sex with me and now she doesn't feel that at all. She looked at me and said, "I can tell that even you no longer assume we'll just be having sex because you're horny" and she said how liberating that feels.

It will sound crazy but the craziest most weirdly satisfying feeling was how I felt driving home last Tuesday with Suzanna knowing she'd had sex with him twice and that as she sat next to me, that she was undoubtedly still enjoying the afterglow of having been with Paul. I have to say the part that touches me the most is how comfortable and even eager she when she's with him. This last time, seeing just how she was as they kissed and caressed and then seeing her lie back and basically spread her legs for him, watching him enter her, that to me is the most intense thing to be a part of; seeing her give herself to him and accept him.

I try not to look at Paul too much but as he kneels between her legs and so comfortably rubs his cock up and down her pussy, how it spreads open for him as he rubs her wetness (and his) all over. There’s something just so incredible to see her eyes, so glassy and deep looking staring at him, or looking down at where he's about to enter her; seeing her feet point upwards and her toes curl as she feels him.

I guess for me that is just the first point that really turns me on. Even when I can't see her clearly with Paul blocking or lying against her, seeing his motion, knowing in my head that with each movement, she's feeling him deep inside her. As a cuck I will also admit openly that the arousal and excitement of that pales to what I feel at the end when I can tell he's about to cum in her. Perhaps the craziest thing is that even I can now tell clearly when he's almost there and I find myself almost rooting for him. Maybe one day I'll be able to say it out loud to them but in my head, at that moment, what I'm waiting to see is for him to thrust deeper and deeper and yes, then to see that one last time followed by his now familiar grunt.


What I do need to share is that I am starting to definitely feel everything is now much closer for me. She touches me more and will lie closer to me and she is clearly much more open about teasing and talking to me. I recently suggested to Suzanna that I would at times like to hear more from her about her time with Paul and she seems to have begun to do just that. It's not totally perceptible but she definitely talks about him more and will tell me many times how wonderful he makes her feel.

However, what I will end on for now is something we have talked about before, but she is adamant that she doesn't feel like she loves Paul and she is quite surprised at herself for that. In fact, she's almost made it a point to emphasize that aspect, that she thinks it's part of what's maybe making this happen faster. We talked a bit just last night and she said that she doesn't feel pressured to feel like she 'has to love him' to feel what she wants. She said that the changes in me, specifically 'accepting my desires', have been something that's been huge to her and she said, "it's as if it's what I needed from you to make it okay for me!"

I asked how she's managing to only see him once this week and she giggled and said that she'd wanted to talk to me later this week about that but she kissed me and smiled and said, "since you've asked, we were hoping to make up time next week."

I asked her what she meant she told me that she wants to spend 2 nights with him next week at his place. I gulped and she kissed me and held me and said, "let’s talk about it more later this week, okay". She hugged me and said again, "I think you'll be okay with it, but let’s talk more later this week to be sure".

If you could have been there to hear the concern/care in her voice and how honestly she talked to me, you would probably understand why all of this now seems easier for me.


I am still a bit unsure of her having two nights with him so soon but I also recognize her feelings and desires. She has told me that since we've started having sex less and that she's cumming less with me that she finds she wants it more with him.

I asked her why she needs two nights in a row and she said that she wants to let her horniness play out with him and that she thinks it'll be exciting for her to 'go home' to him a second day in a row. I asked her if she'd talked to him about it and she said they had started talking about it while I was waiting for them the other night. She said that he said it'd be nice if she didn't have to go home after they were done and that he asked how I felt about that. She kissed me and told me that she answered him that I probably wouldn't mind. I asked her more about it and she just said that we'd talk more in the next few days so that I can be comfortable about it.


I know it sounds so crazy to say it but even though it's going faster it just is so incredibly arousing to me to be a part of it and with her sharing all of her excitement with me it's making me feel as though I’m a part of it. I could feel her excitement on Wednesday when she told me how much she liked that Paul was really starting to be creative with her in bed and how she loves hearing him tell her that she's so good.

She asked me how I felt when he asked me if I wanted to take a turn with her. Before I could answer she said that she almost suggested that I take a turn with her but then she asked me how I'd feel about using a condom with her. I told her that if I'd had one that I might have gone for it. She giggled and even said I could have had some fun with her without a condom but that she wouldn't have wanted me to cum in her. It made me so horny as I stroked away to tell her that I probably wouldn't have had the self-control after not feeling her bare now for a while. She hugged me and told me it was okay and that she understood and that she loved me for thinking about her like that.

The other thing is that, seeing them and then, just feeling how I do with Suzanna now, it really is peaceful and I can't explain it. She's said she feels it too and added that she thinks it’s that we don't feel pressured to have sex all the time. Maybe that's it for her, and maybe that's it for me too, maybe it's calming for me to accept that I want to be the beta with her that's also relaxing me in ways I haven't figure out yet. I do miss the intense moments of sex with her; I miss the feeling of letting loose deep inside her after we've been at it for a while and I definitely miss feeling her whole body and whole self respond as she cries out but, in the end, it is just a very short moment of pleasure that I am giving up

If how I'm feeling about her is any sign, perhaps having this happen sooner isn't so bad. I know that as I masturbated with her the other night that it felt much more fulfilling than at times in the past, or is that all in my head right now?


I don't expect Suzanna to be back before 9:30pm at the earliest although she did say that she would probably be earlier than that.

I admit that I'm a mess right now. I feel so conflicted. My brain is saying one thing (at least the thinking part is) but my cock and the horny part of my brain is clearly somewhere else. I so want this but at the same time I have to admit my fears that it could lead to things that we don't want. I am sticking with the sentiment that as long as it feels good between us, that it'll be okay and, while I'm quite anxious right now, at the same time, I do love knowing where she is, who she's with and obviously what she is doing. My cock is rock hard and my underwear has a huge wet-spot from the pre-cum that seems to just seep out of me at times like this.


She just texted me that she's on her way home (with a smiley face at the end.) I hope she'll share some details with me tonight but at the same time I so want to take a bit more time tomorrow night with her.

She did see him on Tuesday night and the most distinct memory I have of that night is that she made no effort to hide anything. If anything she seemed to even emphasize things more. She got undressed and then washed up including standing naked at the sink knowing I was eagerly staring at her. The reason I remember quite well is that in the mirror and then when she turned I could see her breasts had been handled and that her pussy was swollen and quite reddened. She saw me looking and I she told me I could look but not touch. I knew she wanted to enjoy how she felt and knew that it turned me on.

She had told me about how she was when she was at Paul's. She told me how she got changed shortly after she got there and then later, spared little detail when she told me virtually everything of how they had sex together.

What was more significant was that she says she now feels she knows what turns me on. I felt it on Wednesday night from the way she teased me and taunted me. Little comments, asking me if I missed feeling her pussy. She knew how it turned me on, it was so obvious.

She's begun to talk more about separating me from her sexually. We've talked a bit more openly and she said that it's not something that she really wants but that she needed me to know that she is feeling it. I told her it was natural but she was concerned and for a bit, we changed places and I consoled her and told her that it was okay and that she should just be sure that she talks to me like she was and that it would be okay. That calmed her and surely after I came violently at her explicit description of Paul making her scream, she knows that this is something I am okay with. We kissed and she asked me what I meant about it being natural and I told her just what I'd said at other times; I told her that I wanted to be the beta and that this was part of it, that I knew she was really enjoying herself with Paul and that I wanted her to do so.


We did have sex this past Friday and yes, she did cum again, but she was okay about it and even afterwards we hugged and kissed as we lay together. Other than the condom between us, it felt like just a normal night of sex. She told me afterwards that she'd decided she would still enjoy it with me when she was still in the mood for it.

We aren't sure of our plans now for this week. This snowstorm has messed things up and she went to bed a little moody. I am going to go into the office in the morning because I expect to be home on Tuesday and I need to get a few things done.

We're ready for the storm … or at least as ready as we can be for now.


It was good that the storm fizzled out albeit she was out of the mood to see him. Actually I got her out of her funk by proposing that we do that ski-trip this coming weekend and that the snow should be great. Well, that put her on cloud nine when she asked me, "does that mean....?" I told her that if Paul can get up there on his own, that if it's what she really wanted, that we can try it out but I told her that it would only be Saturday night.

We are going to drive up on Friday night and we'll ski Saturday and Sunday. As far as I understand it right now, he is going to get his own place to stay and that he may stay another night and come home on Monday if the skiing is good. Suzanna and I will return on Sunday as both of us have to work on Monday.

She agreed with me when I said that I wanted to try it out for one night with him being there and not have to deal with it all after driving all the way up on Friday night. She hugged me and kissed me and joked with me that I am being a 'wonderful husband' for her and teased me that will surely earn points and she told me that I should remind her of that someday. It took me a while to realize what she was talking about but once I did, I turned back to look at her and when I smiled she gave me the knowing grin.

She's started to be much more open about her with Paul and that it 'is something that is going to happen'. I am so horny already thinking about what she will do and say with me tomorrow night. She's already started to tell me in a more teasing/taunting way how she's enjoying sex with Paul and earlier tonight she asked me if I knew what tomorrow was. When I said no she answered, "it's the one month anniversary of when you stopped cumming in me".

I groaned, it was how she said it as well as what she said, not that it's been a month since I started using condoms with her but she was making it a point to remind me that it's only her lover that gets to cum in her.


I shall be making the drive to take our ******** back to school on Saturday but our son has opted to wait later that day to head back himself. Even so, it left the remainder of the weekend clear so trying to make the best out of the snowfall, I offered up making a ski-trip; something I knew that she'd hoped for. I think she was surprised at first when I said it but then turned to me, looked and said, "it does turn you on, doesn't it .... thinking that my boyfriend is going to come skiing with us?"

We will have to get online tomorrow and look for a place to stay. We will obviously need a 2 bedroom as I'm assuming that he'll be staying with us on Saturday night. I would be lying if I said that I am not rock-hard sitting here thinking about this.

It is something that I can't escape feeling and wanting. I know how we've been when we've gone skiing and she has spent a day exercising out in the fresh air she gets so horny, especially when she has a drink or two at the end of the day. It seems crazy but right now I could cum in a minute to the thought of me hearing and seeing and being with the two of them together. I know how I've enjoyed her so much over all of these years in just that setting, the après-ski horniness, that it seems crazy but I so want to give her to him and this time to just see her enjoy it.


I am somewhat regretting my idea of her having one night alone with him but the ball is in motion. I thought 'just Saturday' was a good suggestion but I am realizing that this is becoming the central point of the weekend.

She's on the phone with her sister now but she's already told me and teased me that she wants to have fun with me tonight. She said that she had spoken to Paul earlier and she'll share what plans they've come up with and assures me that I will be fine with them.

She came off the phone and said, "let’s talk about the weekend".

I told her that I was a bit apprehensive about what I'd offered her and she hugged me and she said she knew it was something that we would do slowly and do together. Her plan is that we are going to go up tomorrow afternoon after work. We've rented a 1-bedroom condo that is considered 'on the slopes' in that you can ski back to it at the end of the day but need to take a shuttle up to the slopes. We are going to sleep together tomorrow night but she's made it clear that if we have sex together over the weekend that it'll be on late Saturday night or early Sunday morning.

She told me that Paul is coming up with a friend of his and they are staying elsewhere, I do not know where but I guess it is just a hotel room. He will be coming to our condo after dinner (without the friend!) on Saturday night but at the moment it is undecided if he will be staying the night. The funny part is that it's not what you might think, it's the fact that the next morning he will have to deal with getting back to wherever he is staying to get his gear for the day but that's his problem. I do know if it were up to Suzanna she would have him stay over.

She made it quite clear to me that once he arrives that she will be his for the night and that if I don't want to see or hear them that I should maybe go out somewhere myself. It took me a second until I realized that she is really horny for him, enough that as she was talking to me last night she showed me that her panties are wet from how just horny she is thinking about him. I laughed at her that she must really be hooked on him if she's this horny after not seeing him for a week and a half!

As I stroked away she teased me with reminding me of how horny she gets after skiing all day and she made a point to tell me that Paul is equally as horny when she heard about his plans for the weekend. She teased me that this time I may have to spend the night on the couch if Paul spends the night and that was when she told me that I should bring a condom or two with me and that she will let me fuck her after Paul leaves as she's sure if I can wait without masturbating that I will be horny for her. I groaned that I would love that.

We talked more as I let her see how horny I was about our plans. She said she loved that I was okay with this and that it was something she had wanted, " … ever since you told me of your ski-lodge fantasy".

I told her that this is a bit different than what that was about and she giggled and said, "yeah, but this is my fantasy, not yours" and explained to me that when she let herself get into the tale that I'd told her long ago that turned me on. She thought about just what she'd said, about how horny and how she feels after skiing and she said that she couldn't wait to share that with Paul this weekend. I nearly came when she told me that she would get to experience one part of my fantasy for real and I don't know how I held off when she told me that she'd be all wet from him as we skied on Sunday.

I was stroking myself all the while she was telling me this and I finally came like a geyser when she told me that I'd get to fuck her after Paul leaves, " … but you'll just have to imagine how I feel....!”

Holy crap, it was just how she said it. My god, did I cum and let out a groan (maybe the kids being gone is affecting me too) as I came in thick spurts all over my stomach.

She leaned down and kissed me afterwards and she said in a kind of emotional way that she loved me and that she loved that this turned me on so much. I think she was rubbing her legs together or something because as she started to play with my cum and pushing it into a big puddle she moaned softly and I felt her shudder gently.


Another book filled. May I should take a couple of spares along on the trip, I think I might need them!