Journal of a Journey - Book 84

After watching them together, I gave them their time alone and our bedroom. I am kind of glad that I resisted and didn't masturbate but have to admit at the same time I was a little conflicted feeling both angsty and incredibly horny.

Still hearing them in our room, knowing how they were together, that while it was giving me such angst, it also allowed me to fill my mind with them in whatever positions I wanted them to be in.

I've been thinking about her with Robert a bit more too inasmuch that I truly feel that it was good that Suzanna could let her emotional maturity develop with him without me having to deal with it so first-hand. Indeed, I knew from what she'd told me how she felt at the time, but now seeing her growing and learning and enjoying with Paul, in a way I am glad I was able to get a hold of my feelings and desires while enjoying the one side of things that I only saw with Suzanna. Had I seen her like this with Robert, I am now thinking it might have been unsettling.

I guess the thing that really struck me was that once I said it to Paul, that it seemed like there were no further questions to be asked or anything. Suzanna did say she'd sort of told Paul that I was going to tell him stuff and I guess she told him that I meant what I was saying.

After they fucked that first time and I left them alone, it was a done deal that they were going to be sleeping together in our room, but they never really asked me, so I can only think that Suzanna shared my thoughts with him and there was no need to explain it further. I mean I thought she might have come out and talk to me but after being there with them while he made her really scream at the end as she came (like I know she can when she needs to) I guess there wasn't any reason to come out to talk with me. Hearing them all night was haunting at times as I found myself listening for things when it was quiet or whatever. Even then, the silence got to me knowing they were naked together in my bed.

What I cannot come close to expressing is how I felt the next morning. I know that in the past I'd let my mind go to how she is when she'd spend the night or had gone away with her lover; how intimate that time is when she's getting undressed (which she was already) and getting washed up and then into bed. Even more so, in the morning, the thought of them waking together is something that I was so aware of as I lay in my own bed listening. I think I lay there for an hour waiting to hear something from our room and then when it happened I caught a glimpse through my open door of them both in bathrobes only for them to disappear again back into our room.

It was no surprise to hear them fuck one more time but what totally got to me was hearing them in the bathroom and the shower running. She told me later that she came in naked and peed on the toilet while he showered right next to her. The thought of her sharing all of that with him as if it were natural, I cannot express how horny I was as I listened outside the closed bedroom door.

I went down to the kitchen to fix myself a coffee and then, at last, I heard him getting ready to leave and I knew (well, I hoped!) that Suzanna would remain in our room in bed as she has the last times he's been here. When he came down alone I think I smiled and maybe he mistook it.

We talked for a few minutes. He seemed uneasy but I told him that I was happy with things and that I'd enjoyed him being over. Hearing that he seemed to suddenly change his appearance and he looked up at me when I said that I hoped she was upstairs waiting for me which made him laugh. I told him, "I know she's into you and that she really enjoyed herself". He said he hoped he was good to her and I complimented him saying that it surely sounded like it working out just fine.

He said that Suzanna had told him that I was serious about this and that he was okay with it if I was. I responded that it wasn't easy but that I enjoyed what we were all doing and that I very much liked it that he was making Suzanna very happy.

He asked me again whether this was really what I'd wanted and I told him, yeah, that it was and it was my own desire and not just her's. Obviously there was more that we talked about but it all centred around those same thoughts. He was still surprised that it was something I wanted but he said that he's coming to understand 'us' a bit more. I told him, warned him, that there was probably more that was going to happen between all of us and that I hoped he was going to be okay with it all.

So, yes, I have to admit to having chickened out about telling him more. I didn't make any mention about condoms but I suspect that he knows though. He didn't ask about what else we were thinking and, to be honest, I haven't asked Suzanna about it either. I just know that when it feels right, that I'll tell him but have to add that unless I see him this week, it won't be until after New Years.

When I went up to the bedroom a part of me almost expected Suzanna to maybe ask me to wait longer to be with her. I half expected to hear her tell me about how she felt and that she didn't want to disturb or share it but instead when I came into the bedroom, she pulled the covers down and patted the bed next to her. I told her that I was surprised she wanted me and she pulled me into the bed and said that she wanted to enjoy every minute of me that we had. I desperately pulled off my shorts and climbed in with her. As we started to kiss she pushed back for a second and said, "I'm a little tender baby, so just be gentle". I knew it was the truth and I also knew that she'd told it to me just to turn me on!

I can't tell you how aroused and turned on and how wicked hard I was as I lay next to her. The blankets slid down my back as I climbed above her and I looked down at her and I just loved how she looked. The only way to describe her was that she looked well-fucked! Her breasts were still reddened all over and her nipples looked like Paul had played with them a lot but it was her pussy that I focused on. My god, she looked beautiful and I loved that it was so obvious that she'd been fucked, from the way her pussy lips were still puffy and her vagina gaping to how she smelled; it seemed like his semen had soaked into her and the sheets beneath her.

Whatever she may looked like, a moment later I pushed into the most luscious thing I'd ever felt!


What surprises me the most is how we can go from a weekend that was as sexually intense as it can possibly be to get to Monday and reality as if nothing had happened. Maybe it's because she went out holiday shopping last night or whatever, but we seem to have shifted out of sex-gear and back into real-life gear in the period of 24 hours. I suppose that's comforting in a way that the sex doesn't take over her whole life.

She headed into work earlier than usual today (again!) having told me that she'll be shopping and such on the way home later . I'm following suit and I joked with her when she left the house that maybe we'll meet at the mall after work! In the event, we both came home from work first and she's just left for the mall. I will be doing the same (but to different malls) just as soon as my hard-on dies down!

We talked a bit before she left and she asked me how I felt after the weekend. I repeated what I'd already told her and what she knew first-hand on Sunday, that I was incredibly turned on and that seeing her so (no other way to describe it) 'satisfied' made me feel good about everything.

She asked me how it made me feel and whether it was what I'd wanted. Once again I told her that I loved how it all felt and added that it was even the 'normal stuff' the next morning, that just thinking of her sharing with him, turned me on so much. She kissed me and said she loved knowing it made me feel good because she was loving it too. She seemed to love that he or she didn't have to leave to run home so quickly. She paused for a moment and then said that she loved feeling so sexually available to him.

Then it was my turn to ask her if she enjoyed how she felt and how she felt about me.

She went quiet but then told me that now knowing I really was okay and that I even admitted that I'd want her to do it again, that she had very much enjoyed it. She went quiet again (or maybe just hesitant) be telling me that sleeping with him was something she felt very strongly about. As she put it, "I shared myself with him all night long ... and I loved it". She quickly added that it's just very sexual for her and that at times she felt overwhelmingly horny with him next to her all night long. She blushed a bit as she said that so I have to believe her knowing it's just as hard for her to admit it to me as I have with her.

We hugged and, as I said I've started to notice more and more, it seems our non-sexual contact seems to have more meaning. Our kiss lingered and I know as I felt her against me that in a strange way, we both felt very close with each other.

It was a second later (with me just beginning fading hardness) that she looked at me and asked when she could spend the night with him again. I thought about it and reminded her that our kids were going to be home for the next 4 weekends so maybe she have to wait a while.

She smiled at me and then said, "No silly. I wasn't thinking of a weekend, I was thinking of maybe tomorrow night at his place, you know, before the kids come home!"

I was speechless (I'm still speechless!) but she just kissed me again and said, "well, you didn't say no right away …" and then she hugged me and said, " …. think about it and let’s talk more when we get home, okay baby?" and then with this giggle in her voice, "I'll make it worth your while......".

I guess I wasn't really ready for this just yet, I was seriously thinking this wouldn't happen until January or after that; I would just like this to happen a little slower.

Is it inevitable? I don't know, but I do know that if it was happening a little slower, that I would surely feel as Suzanna had said, "that when it happened, you'll be ready and be okay with it".

I just feel like I'm being rushed a bit even though she is coming to terms with her own desires right now. This suggestion of an overnight has me thrown because I thought we'd have another 2 weeks or so before things would begin escalating.


This morning whilst we getting ourselves ready for work she told me once again that she had felt really wonderful after having spent that night with Paul and she came out and said that she wanted to do it again tonight. I told her that I thought she/we were rushing things and she sort of gave me a guilt trip a bit, she said that I was the one who started it by suggesting he sleep over in the first place.

Then gave me that sexy smile and said that, "I really want to …. but I'm not feeling like I'm in love with Paul, if you were worrying about that". She continued to say that she'd never really felt this comfortable with another guy before, like he's so much more than a friend.

I asked about Robert and she said that she had been a bit too infatuated with him and with her desire (at the time) to feel any sort of emotional bond with him; that she never got to where she felt he could be someone she could truly be friends with. She turned to look at me and said that she thought that Paul might be more than just a flash-in-the-pan and that, "he might be a really good friend too". She said that sleeping next to him that once they'd been done with sex that she felt comfortable with him and wanted to be with him and talk with him and that it was easy to do so.

She came up to me and kissed me and cupped my cock through my pants. She smiled when she felt I was more than just a little hard, "turns you on to think about, doesn't it? You'll really have something to think about when you take care of yourself … " meaning tonight. She stepped back and said, " … it might be the last time we can do this for like a month .... you going to be okay with this?"

I nodded yes and she squealed out loud, kissed me again and said again, "I'll make it worthwhile for you". When I asked her 'how worthwhile' with what she was going to do she said, "wait till Thursday". I reluctantly (but quite expectedly) said, "okay".

She immediately started asking, "what should I wear for work on Thursday?" and she checked the forecast. Oh god, was it ever incredibly erotic to see her packing an overnight bag. I almost felt like jerking off as I watched her pack. She picked out a pair of panties, bra, camisole, stockings which went into the bag and then a dress which stayed on the hanger. Then she turned to smile at me and went to her lingerie drawer and said, " … and for tomorrow night" and picked out a lacy top bra, very skimpy panties, and a pair of stockings and matching garter belt. She held it up against her and said, "sexy enough for you tomorrow night?" and then she giggled, " … come on baby, you should be horny about this" and she came over and found out for real that I was. She smiled, kissed me and said she loved me.

I was hard and I know she felt it against her as we embraced, she reached down and patted my cock and said, "he'll just have to wait won't he?” Then she did that other thing that she knew turned me. She pushed my stiff cock so it pointed away from her.

She just left not 20 minutes ago and seemed to have taken pleasure in knowing I was watching her getting ready putting her make-up on and doing her hair. As I hung my towel she saw I was still naked and that my cock was hard. She put on her blouse, turned and held me and again said she loved me. Then with an almost sexy evil smile and sound in her voice she gave my cock another squeeze and said, "turns you on to think that this will be Paul and me at his place tomorrow morning doing this, doesn't it".

As she finished dressing in her work-clothes I navigated around my hard-on as I tried to pull on my underwear. She put a couple of other items in her bag and said to me, "This feels nice baby, I might want to start to leave some stuff of mine at Paul’s .... you know, for next time". I saw her look at me in the dresser mirror as she said that and when I didn't say anything back she smiled at me and let me watch her straighten her top and button it up.

After she put her overnight bag and her dress on the hanger into her car she came back and gave me a huge hug and an incredibly passionate kiss. She held me for an eternity, or so it seemed, and then looked at me and said with no uncertainty, "I love you baby, you are the best".

She said that she would call and text me later, "so you can maybe enjoy yourself too".

She didn't need to say anything more. Now, I need a few minutes to get myself together before I head into work myself.

I am already hard. I think this might be the last big thing for her and them until after New Years so in a way I know that we have a natural break for a few weeks after this.


I got home a little while ago after going to the Grocery and I admit it felt a little weird shopping for Suzanna knowing she's at Paul's. It's quiet here and my 2nd beer is nearly gone which has lightened my mood.

She texted me earlier and again said she loved me and thanked me for being so good to her and then said she would call me before bed.

Reading that, I admit it, made me wicked horny. When I sit and let my mind wander a bit I just have these intense thoughts and visions of her if you will. I think it is the thought of knowing that she's really into it. In a way, I guess what I pushed into motion so long ago has now become the giant snowball at the bottom of the hill. (Unless she's lying and this is all a big act for her and she's batting for an academy award!)

I don't feel threatened by it and with my psychology hat on I'll say that I think my admission of wanting to be the beta was partly what she needed. It seems that since then, things have accelerated and that she's become very accepting of what I think she shunned in the past.

It's weird because to me, sitting here alone in the house with a hard-on with a bit of a beer-buzz brewing, that when I think about her seeing Robert that she wanted this big emotional affair where she even admitted that she wanted to even fall in love with her boyfriend. Since my coming out to her, I haven't heard her mention emotions or even really felt it in anything she's said. More so, it seems to be very sexually and physically oriented with her now. It's a little scary to think this way but maybe what she's really wanted was this, letting her boyfriend be the alpha for her.

It seems crazy when I look at that in this way (if this is true) that it makes me want to give it to her even more. Maybe she's truly seeing this as an intense sexual fulfilment for her, even when they're together. I wince to say it but, yes, when they truly are making love I am thinking back and letting myself take some time to think things through, her response to him is very physical but I don't see it as necessarily emotional.

I'm sure I'll read this back later and laugh at my buzz-induced thoughts but for now, all they've done is really get me horny! Even years later now, the thought of her screaming in pleasure beneath him in his bed will be such a turn-on.


I am quite sure that Suzanna knows and expects that I'll be jerking-off tonight. I don't think it's necessarily a change other than of convenience as I know she values our time on Wednesdays as much as I do.


She just texted me and said she was thinking of me and wanted to make sure everything was okay and that I was okay. I texted her a reply, in capitals, 'YES' and told her to enjoy her evening and that I was waiting for her return. She sent me back a smiley and a heart and just said 'Love You'.


A little while later she called again and said she wanted to hear my voice and wanted to hear me tell her I was okay. She asked if I was drinking and I told her I'd had some earlier and was feeling relaxed and okay and quite horny.

I guess I sounded convincing because she asked me if I was going to, "go have fun soon" I joked back about how did she know I hadn't already and she answered, "I know you...".

I asked her if she was having a nice night and where Paul was. She said he had gone downstairs to give her some time to call me and before I could ask she said, "yes, earlier tonight" and then she giggled when I guess I made a sound and she said in a sexy voice, "we're not going to sleep just yet".

I groaned and she asked me, now in a more concerned voice, "you okay over there?” I took a second and said yes and then told her that I had now had something to think about later. She giggled and said that I already had plenty on my mind and then she said she loved me. When I said it back to her she said, "okay, let me go now". I admit it hurt to say ok but I did and we both hung up.

And now, yes, I am going to go lie back and enjoy myself before I let any bad thoughts start to sneak in. Right now the thought of her hanging up on me and getting ready for him is in some ways as arousing as thinking of her getting fucked again. That she's going to come home tomorrow in different clothes and be a different everything is so crazy to think about.


I haven't had this feeling of waking up alone in a long time now. I did sleep quite well, strangely, and yes, wow, did I enjoy myself last night, twice! Even now, after all of that enjoyment, my cock is throbbing thinking about her being with Paul this morning. It's weird but in some ways it's all of the rest of the stuff other than just the sex part that turns me on. Picturing her with him in his bathroom this morning; her standing there naked; drying her hair and him doing his business right next to her. I don't know why that turns me on so much to think about.

I’ve decided I am going to wait for a signal from Suzanna to see what she wants. Right now she's only said it in an offhand way and only a few times which is a bit contrary to other times she's told me she will still want to have some sexual interaction with me. I AM coming to terms with understanding that this is more of a 'when' than an 'if'.


At times I understand the appeal of chastity but it isn't something that either of us are into. She's never mentioned it other than long ago now and I have excellent self-control that I don't need anything to keep my desires under control. If anything, I'm clearly aware that my arousal and desires while waiting for her in whatever way certainly intensifies over time. But that's also where she wants me to be and has made it quite clear that she wants me to be able to enjoy those desires and that arousal whenever I want to.

All that ties into her definite enjoyment knowing that this past Wednesday night that as I lay in bed that she knew I was enjoying it even if I felt other feelings. She made it clear that she enjoyed knowing I was masturbating to thoughts about her. She giggled at one point and said that she feels incredibly flattered now knowing that so much of what I masturbate to in my head are different visions of her. I had to laugh with her when I think about other guys who fantasize about movie-stars or models or even sexy-co-workers but me, no, I get off on visions of Suzanna doing all sorts of things. It's always her and she found that very touching when she realized what I was saying about her.


The writing is certainly on the wall, especially after she came home on Thursday and we talked more. Maybe it's better that I share things in order.

I was quite horny on Thursday as I was still home after having spent the night alone. I think that Suzanna's comment about leaving some clothes at Paul's was very telling. I knew that this was something she was going to want eventually and again, it's stuff that I thought was going to take a bit longer to get to so somehow that became the main focus of our discussion over the past 2 days.

As I said, when she came home I was very horny and seeing her wearing and looking different than how she'd left the day before really struck me. Her hair looked different, her makeup and what she was wearing wasn't the same, oh my god, did it turn me on to see her come in the door. She had on that dress that I'd seen her take with her and as I carried her bag and eagerly followed her up to the bedroom she asked me to help unzip her. Oh my god, if that didn't get me hard and horny knowing that her lover had helped her dress and likely zipped it up for her. I swear seeing the dress fall off her shoulders and seeing her bare skin and then, the bra and panties that she'd taken in her bag had me throbbing. What got me the horniest was seeing something that I hadn't seen in ages, the outline of a panty-liner in her panties and the immediate knowledge that she had it to absorb Paul's cum from earlier that morning and the night before; it had me rock hard! I was so hoping to throw her on the bed but she looked at me and my hard cock, smiled and said, "I know you're horny baby but I'm hungry, can we get some dinner first?”


We had steaks on the bbq and as they cooked I came in and out off the deck to warm up and she told me a little about her night. As we waited I remember at one point she came up to me and pulled me against her and we kissed and she looked up at me and said, "can I tell you everything or should I stay away from the icky parts for you?" Then she smiled, kissed me, patted my butt and sent me out to bring in the steaks.

We had a glass of wine with dinner and then we sat in the living room for a while and she said we should talk before going upstairs because she knew I'd never 'just talk' up there! She kissed me and she asked me again if she should tell me everything or skip the 'icky parts'? I asked her what an icky part would be and she said, "you know something that you are uncomfortable hearing but was something I enjoyed".

I sounded brave and said I could take it and then she said, "Okay, how about how I was kissing him while I felt him cum in me?" I guess my silence for a moment said everything to her because she said, "see, that's what I mean". I asked her what she meant and she said something like, "that makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't it". I guess I nodded my head but then said, "but it turns me on too".

Well, that and her response started the discussion that we're still going on about. She said that she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable and that is partly where she always feels a bit of reluctance herself. I told her that I thought it was somewhat of a natural response and she agreed but she added that it's not how I should feel as the 'beta' person I wanted to be. We talked a bit in circles for a moment until she said to me that she is feeling more that what she expressed to me as wanting to have a whole-big affair, that she now thinks may really be more in line with what I have said.

Again I sometimes wonder if she is reading what I write in my journals here or if one of her pen-pals tells her things because the next things she said to me were that she is now thinking that what she had thought she wanted as an affair, that she thinks she now wants to feel like her boyfriend is truly taking the alpha role with her.

Over the past 2 days she's said other things that mirror what I've been thinking (and writing!) Of course she hasn't said it exactly the same way but has said them with her own flavour/flair but she came out and said that she would like to eventually have all her sexual desires fulfilled by Paul. It brought me to come out and say that I thought it was all happening very fast; her staying over at his place and now talking about leaving clothes there; now, talking about fulfilling the alpha/beta situation of her own desire when it was me that should to be the start of that discussion.

I didn't ask her about her pen-pals and there's little I write here now that would surprise her especially after these past few days now.


At some point on Thursday as if to make a point she turned to me and asked me if it turned me on that she still felt very warm and horny from spending the night with Paul and, coming straight out and telling me that they'd fucked before she'd gone off to work.

I told her an obvious 'yes'. She smiled and then said that she knew it would turn me on if she told me that she didn't want to have sex with me. I asked her how she knew and she leaned over and cupped my hard cock through my pants and said, "because it does". I looked at her and she smiled and I knew for sure right then that we weren't going to fuck and I knew that she knew it turned me on.

She looked at me and said that I needed to come to accept my desire and stop letting myself be uncomfortable at what has to be. At one point she said something like, "if you are my beta, then Paul will be my alpha".

That's when she went on to say that, "Don't worry, nothing is happening right now. I want to make sure about me before going much further." I asked her what she meant and she said that 'for now' that she just wants to know that she can spend the night at his place and that she only wants to leave just a few things there like some extra panties, some stockings and such. She giggled and added, "some panty liners" and laughed out loud.

I told her that it sounded like she was moving in there tomorrow (I was exaggerating, of course) and she smiled and then said, "no, that won't be till the summer maybe" and then added, "let’s just see how everything works out …. starting with New Years Eve".

The mood had shifted and I wasn't sure what was going to happen with our evening. She asked, "So I can tell you everything?" and when I nodded yes she asked, "can I tease you?” I asked her what she meant and she giggled and said, "well..." and with that she unbuttoned and unzipped my pants and pulled out my rapidly hardening cock. She looked up at me and gave my cock a tug and said, "well, should I tease you with how Paul gets to fuck me while I am playing with you?” Then to my surprise she looked up at me and said, "should I tell you how he feels in me while I do this?" and all of a sudden she leaned over and took my cock in her mouth and gently sucked at me. I groaned back and between mouthfuls she continued to talk and said, "you just lean back and I'll take care of you" and she sucked me in her mouth again and then said something like, "while I tell you how Paul and I made love last night".

Well, I can't recall much more of her exact words because in between each sentence she would stroke and then gently suck at my cock. When I was fully hard in her hand she told me, "there, that's about how hard he was too". Then she began to suck me more rapidly and would say in between each time stuff like, "… I'm all wet still … he was so wonderful in me …" and suck me more deeply. Towards the very end she looked up at me and said, "I liked it just feeling his cum in me .. " and she sucked me just a bit more and knowing I was about to burst because she never let up just as I was about to let go I saw her eyes look up at me so intensely that I closed mine and I let it happen. She eagerly sucked at me and with her hand stroking at the same time I felt jet after jet, spurt after spurt, fill her mouth. Her hand moved and gently cradling my balls she gently squeezed them until I couldn't cum anymore before she let my now shrivelled cock out of her mouth.

I thought she was done but a second later I felt the bed move and as I opened my eyes, there she was moving in to kiss me. In the instant before we kissed I realized we were about to snowball and I loved the thought. Our tongues danced and spread my very tart tasting cum between our mouths and I heard her moaning. A moment later I could tell she was moving her tongue and pushing all of it into my mouth. I didn't mind and I swallowed a moment later.


I will say she surprised me last night, when after and despite our continued alpha/beta discussion, that she offered me a quickie with her before bed. She kissed me and did tease me that this was 'one more and only 4 or 5 more times'. Damn, did that thought make me horny and as we started to fuck she looked at me and said, "you'd better really start enjoying these last few times". I surely did!


After sex last night she again came out and said that I needed to accept that if I want to be the beta, that I need to start accepting that her sexual desires ARE going to be fulfilled with Paul. She held my hand and asked if it was pushing it when she suggested that maybe, "by summer we can try a bit more, what do you think; do you think you might be ready to try out being more of a beta by summer?"

I wasn't sure if this was still her teasing and asked her what that meant and she said, "that it might maybe just be me and Paul by then .... you know, with you not doing anything with me". I told her that I wasn't sure I could answer that to which she shushed me and kissed me and said, "okay, let’s just do it as we are and we'll decide together along the way". She held my hands and again repeated that she doesn't think any less of me or love me any less because something like this turns me on and that I should try to work on not feeling so uncomfortable and to just accept that it's what I want to have happen and to let it.

She turned to me after that and said, "now, if you aren't sure baby, that's okay too ...... but you need to let me know that soon too baby as I don't want it to be unfair to Paul." Then she looked me in the eye and said, "that's why I really want you to tell him, so that it's clear to all of us." That wasn't all, she then said, " … and of course, I am taking New Years Eve to be the other part …"

I knew instantly what she meant by 'the other part', it meant that if I accept going back to condoms, it's also a clearer sign from me to her that says more than what I can say through my words at times.

So, yes, the train is continuing to run down the tracks. I won't say I'm not nervous or hesitant or even a bit scared but I also think she's right. The one thing she's said clearly to me is that if I do want this, whether it's something I want forever or just something that I want to experience for a short(er) period of time, that if being the beta-man for Suzanna is what I want, then I need to stop fighting it.

I guess I need to eventually stop expecting to have sex with her when she comes home or after she's been with Paul and, in the short term, demonstrate my desires by willingly using condoms with her as planned. I guess the reality is that at some point it will happen fully, that she'll want to only be with him. I'm excited by the idea of finally experiencing it, but at the same time I'm a bit green about it too.


Paul isn't a bull or even a dominant/aggressive kind of guy but from what I've seen of them together and what I've 'felt' from him when I've talked with him, he doesn't have any designs or long-term goals regarding Suzanna. Actually when I asked her about it, she said that they are both very non-committal and she says that, "he just wants to have fun".

I surely recognize that the more they are together, the more they are going to want to be together and the more bonding that will occur between them. I do not have any answer yet on how we are going to balance this or what guidelines we should follow just yet.


Going back to the 'moving-into-his-place' subject, I don't think there's any doubt that she is referring to just a night or two, I think her reference to what she'd want to leave there supports that. I have gone back and re-read and remembered the conversation and I don't feel any concern about it.

She's calmed me down and has continued to say that we don't have to do things that we're not ready for and that if I wasn't ready for her to have spent the night with him last Wednesday, then I should have said something about it. She was pretty pointed about that saying that I need to know that I can speak up and that not everything has to be positive and in agreement with her. I told her she was right and she asked me again what I wanted.

It is getting easier for me to talk to her openly about this even if it takes me a little bit to feel like I can open up. But she'd led me there and I looked at her and I just told her that it's not easy for me to accept what I want sometimes and I told her that I valued our sexual relationship and that at times I am concerned both about missing it as well as its subsequent return.

She asked me how I felt last Wednesday night and whether I enjoyed myself when I masturbated. I told her I did and she asked me if that was really true and whether I felt good afterwards. I was honest and told her that, yes, I loved it and that the more I thought about her that the better it was and that, yes, in the end it was nicely satisfying! She told me she loved knowing what I was doing when she was with him and knowing that she was turning me on by what she was doing; she told me that wouldn't change. Then she asked me, "will that fulfil you the way you apparently want to be?”

It was the big question asked in her way, 'was that enough to keep me satisfied feeling the way we do about each other?' Before I could answer her she kissed me and told me that it turned her on that I was really looking inward at what I wanted. Again (and I guess if you repeat it enough ....) she said that it was okay if this turned me on.

It seems we are going back and forth all the time on this and I admit that I'm still scared to let go and let it happen. She was incredibly understanding and she said that she too was scared in her own way and that she said she understood how scary this might be for me. She kissed me and said that she loved me for giving her the okay to enjoy her time with Paul and she told me that she understood how I both want to and don't want to start using condoms at the same time. I looked at her and I complimented her on how well she seems to know me; she smiled and just said, "it's because I love you".

At one point I turned the question back to her. 'What was she thinking and why did it seem like we were moving so fast?' In the minutes that followed she told me that it only seems fast to me. What she said next surprised but also elated me. She looked at me and said that she was 'just talking' about staying over with him next summer and then I realized that this is the first time she's enjoying thinking and fantasizing about the kinds of things she wants to see and do. She said that she's known for a few years those things I like to think about and that she's now feeling like she's enjoying the same. Just as she says she enjoyed sharing her fantasies of 'what might have happened' in the past, this has become some of the same.

She saw that I was smiling as I listened to this so she hugged me and said, "What? It's just me thinking … " but then she pulled away a bit, looked at me and said, "… but it's not to say it's only fantasy." She said that in some ways her thoughts about what would have happened make her horny because she knows that they might or could have happened and so, the same applies elsewhere.

And that's when she came back to saying that I didn't object to last Wednesday and she said, "was it okay that it happened ….. were you ready for that?”

I had to stop for a moment because she made sense. She reminded me that I had said okay, so I guess I was ready for it. In a way it made me feel more at ease.

We kissed and held each other for a moment and she whispered again how she is enjoying what is going on and how she is trying to make it good for me and her at the same time. When our hug broke she looked at me and said, "so, are you ready?”

"For what?"

She answered "New Years Eve?" I nodded and she said, "what about the rest?”

I told her that I still wanted to do it , that I hoped it wasn't going to hurt us but that I did want to continue to move to becoming the beta-man for her. She kissed me again and then said, "then you need to stop resisting and let it happen ….. you can always talk to me if you need to if it's not good". She kissed me and then said, "do you want me to tell Paul?"

I asked her when she was seeing him next and she smiled coyly and said, "well, I was thinking of getting out of work early on Tuesday". Then she looked at me and said, "you could come over his place?"

The implication was clear; maybe tomorrow I'll be 'fessing up to Paul. Despite what she said, I'm still not sure about that.


I still have the feeling that while Paul may still not be Mr. Right for her, that she feels enough desire and comfort with him to let her desires play out. I continue to notice a lack of her professing to want to 'fall for him', instead, her desires appear to be focusing more on having more comfort and sexual interaction with him with no doubt that she definitely wants the increasing exclusivity as part of that.

If I get the feelings that I want out of the beta-role, then I will likely have no issues in letting it continue. I still find myself with a strange curiosity about what it will be like. In some ways I think it may be very enlightening as, even now, a lot of our relationship and interaction is very sexually oriented. Indeed, a lot of energy over the past 30 years has been geared around my wanting to get into her panties. To remove that from the equation and to re-centre ourselves in the other closeness that we both clearly feel and recognize is very arousing to me despite what it means. Whether this is something that can be fulfilling from a relationship perspective and even replace our earlier sexual interaction, I'm not sure just yet.

As it always has been, the thought and actual experience of denial has been incredibly fulfilling, I'm just not sure how long that fulfilment will last; can it last for another year? A part of me is crazy turned on to think that Paul might be the only one to cum in her next year. (I'm hard just writing this!) By the end of the year that he might be the only one doing anything sexual with her is one step beyond that. As Suzanna would say, it's a fantasy and desire and a turn-on to think about. I suppose the real answer is that if it works for us, fulfils both of us and doesn't leave us wanting more or leave us lacking something then the answer is that 'for as long as it works'.


The kids are home and last night she kicked me out of the bedroom for being so angsty and told me to go to the other bedroom and sleep there. It was kinda funny, our son was still up and saw me padding by, I just told him, "she said I was snoring". He laughed.


Tomorrow I will be working from home and she'll be coming home after work and then both of us are going to Paul's. I didn't ask about dinner as the conversation quickly moved to her asking me if she should tell Paul or whether she should lead the way in the conversation and let me tell him. I told her that would be helpful and she asked me what I was ready to tell him.

Rather than answer her I looked at her and asked her if she really thought it would be good for me/us if I told him; I asked her how, from his standpoint, does it make me look? I couldn't figure out how to ask it any differently.

She looked at me for a moment and then said she understood, that, "you're worried you won't look like as much of a man to him because this stuff turns you on?” It wasn't exactly what I meant but I guess the look on my face said yes.

She said that it would surely help me tell Paul that it turns her on too and that it's something she wants to do too. I told her I still wasn't sure that would help but I thought I would try. She looked at me and said, "baby, if you really want to do this, then yes, I think it'd be good for all of us if you could say it and let things happen".

I looked at her as she said that and I'm not sure if it was my imagination but I swear she had a concerned look at first and then a smile at the end, "I'm going to tell him that I think it's romantic that you will do this for me". Then she added, "but I do think you should tell him".

So, that is the plan and, yes, I am nervous.


That's why I'm so angsty. I am just trying to think of what to say and how to say it. He knows we play a bit with denial so that's an opening I can use but I'm just not sure how I come out and say that it would turn me on if he was the only one to cum in my wife. I suppose I can say it just like that but I am really going to need the right scene.

Once you scratch this itch, is it more intense the next time? I can only say that, so far at least, Paul seems confused and curious about what's going on but at the same time, I am quite sure Suzanna is calming him and guiding him as there is certainly no lack of comfort when we are together. I know that my acquiescence and even admitted self-desire to go back to using condoms with Suzanna seems crazy but I cannot deny the arousal I feel knowing what it means and thinking about it every time we have sex now. I don't quite know why I want this, in some ways I still get my release in the best way possible, but I know that it also seems to crazily fulfil my desire to be denied something by her sexually.

Obviously I have considered the next steps and I do note that just as she's backed away from the 'falling for my lover' desire, I sense that she's perhaps backed away from the extreme in terms of exclusivity. Indeed our last mention was for 'sometime this summer', which, by the way lines up with optimistic hopes that our kids will land jobs that will allow us to continue our fun.

The other thing, for me at least, is not just to see Paul's reaction when I come around to telling him but to see how his behaviour changes, etc. I understand that he could misread this desire by Suzanna as something more or something that doesn't match up. My hope is that I'll be able to figure out something to say to preclude this.


New book time ....