Journal of a Journey - Book 81

I'm not sure what has changed; maybe it's hearing her tell me that she can have all that she wants with him that is making me feel like somehow I can let things go? I can't be sure but I do know that since being with her last Saturday night and hearing her tell me that she'd (finally) had the orgasm she'd been looking for with him, it almost seems strange to say it but I've felt just different about it since then.

As I told her last night, I feel suddenly much more comfortable with everything and, if anything, it did renew my desires to let this happen and to let myself feel the emotions and angst that I've wanted.

I know that I'll have second thoughts later but this morning when we were getting dressed and she put a few extra things in her purse (a sexy camisole and another pair of panties) I hugged her and told her that I hoped it was going to be good with Paul tonight. As we hugged and I felt her bare breasts against my body I told her that it turned me on that she was going to feel that with him again.

She kissed me, held me, told me she loved me and then gave me a sincere 'thank-you'. I admit that seeing her put on her bra and then get dressed to know Paul was going to undress her later got me hugely aroused. She felt my cock getting hard and she kissed me again and said something about me getting hard even after jerking-off last night really meant a lot to her; that she knew I was okay with it.


I'm still not sure how I'll tell Paul what is going on and what it is that I want but, for sure, this is what I want. I know it's crazy but right now it's something I want to see happen. For sure, I'm still not going to be comfortable seeing them together, at least not yet, but I also know that it's something I want to see more of.

She really hit it last night (and she knew it), it does turn me on that Paul will have something with her that I won't; feeling her bare. What is going to get to me is if she doesn't want me to get her off between now and New Years Eve.

No, we didn't talk about it other than my telling her that it turned me on to let her just cum with him last weekend. I would still like to bring her to orgasm when we have sex and it's something I haven't talked to her any more about yet. I'll admit that it would be a crazy turn-on if she told me that she didn't want me to make her cum for my last 12 or so times having sex with her bare. As for telling him, I'm just not sure how to tell him that it's me that just wants it to be her and him.


She says she definitely still wants to have sex with me. What she's said is that while she doesn't want me to bring her to orgasm, at the same time she still wants me to penetrate her and that she wants to know that I will cum while having sex with her. What I've understood without her saying it outright is that she still wants to feel that from me knowing that I want her.

If anything, from what we've shared, if we do go for no penetration, that it would only be for a little while and not something sustained for a long time. Maybe that's what's helping me be more at ease about it because I know that she's not thinking of this as being something that we simply move to rather than something that she (or I) will do at times. I am quite sure, regardless of condoms, that when she does let me back in her, that it will be something special for the both of us; maybe that'll be when she'll let me make her cum.

I should probably clarify that whenever she's said that, she's also added, 'it won't be forever' and every now and then she'll want to have an orgasm with me. I'm thinking maybe if we're away somewhere, etc.


Monday night when she told me that she didn't want to push me into anything that I didn't want that she felt really good about Paul and told me that he was someone she felt she could feel safe about letting herself go with. She told me that he had assured her that he had no intentions of trying to steal her away from me and that again he'd asked if they could get together more.

When I asked her what she said to that, she said that she wants to be secure in how we are before she lets herself start to see him more, that was when she started to lead into that she was feeling like she wanted to have more with him. She again emphasized that knowing I want it spurs her on to let herself go and how I'd been on Saturday with him had really made her feel good about everything.

She also again reminded me that she'd never think less of me for being aroused by stuff like this and admitted that she wanted to do this now for herself and that she was excited that it turned me on.

It was this as a backdrop that led me to finally accept things, I hope.


Thursday: Yes, she saw him and, yes, she 'guided him'; actually told him into what to do to make her really cum. She said he did what he was told and that she'd felt it with him. I know that she said he was again surprised at how she'd cum like that but that that when she explained how she feels to him that he understood.

She'd texted me to wait up for her but when she came in obviously aglow from being with him I knew she wasn't going to what to have sex with me. It was kind of exciting for me in a way because I know this is what it will be like next year once things get more intense for them. She was pleased that I was content (happy; fulfilled; satisfied?) to masturbate as she told me how she liked the feeling of letting go with Paul and, "cumming like that".


I surprised her by asking her if she'd ever thought of having Paul stay over our place on a Saturday night. Obviously it's not something that can likely happen until January sometime as our kids will be home for Thanksgiving and then Winter-break just a few weeks later. She was ecstatic that I'd think like that.

However, that's a thought to hold for the New Year but I am quite sure it was on their minds with how they were when he got to our house last evening.

Suzanna left us alone for a little while as she tended to dinner while Paul and I talked. He's an easy guy to talk to and he was very complimentary about Suzanna and I told him it was okay to tell me she's good in bed. That lightened the mood a bit and did make it easier to talk to him.

He asked me how I was feeling about things and I told him honestly that it turned me on that Suzanna was so happy and that I liked what was happening. He knew what I meant and said some stuff about it being crazy. I agreed and I told him that it might be crazy but it was something that turned both of us on. I even went as far as to tell him that I'd enjoyed it better when I'd waited till after he'd left and that Suzanna had said she 'liked it better' when she was just with him and I went to her later. Not exactly those words, but the gist.

We didn't talk openly about sex with Suzanna, that still feels a bit weird to me to sit around the living room about fucking Suzanna, but we did come close and talked about their time at his place with her and how 'comfortable' she is with him there.

She came in from the kitchen and asked what we talking about. I told her and suffice to say that between the wine and innuendo that it wasn't long before I suggested they both go 'have some fun'. To say that it was a surprise to Suzanna that I should be so open is an understatement; Paul went ahead and she came to me and hugged me and kissed me.

I heard talking and giggling up in our bedroom and while last time I felt all sorts of angst and anxiety, this time I actually felt nothing but arousal at everything I was hearing! In my head I imagined what they were doing to go along with the sounds. When I heard them quieten down I slowly made my way upstairs and found them both naked in a semi-69 position. Suzanna was sucking eagerly at his cock while he lay next to her looking closely at her pussy as he pulled it apart and peered inside her most intimate places.

He didn't hear me (or if he did, he paid no attention) and from the doorway I watched him playing with her like he was her husband and she was giving him complete access, relaxed as if they were a long-time couple. I did feel a bit of queasiness as he leaned down and began to lick at her spread pussy. She began to respond and I watched him easily bring her to orgasm as he licked and sucked at her.

When he removed his face from her vagina they both realized I was there, for a moment I thought Paul would be a little self-conscious with Suzanna's juices all over his mouth and chin but he wasn't. Instead the two of them smiled at me and then went back to what they were doing before I got there. They both knew that I was content to watch and I felt just like a spectator in a way. I didn't partake at all but I did move closer to watch.

At one point I held Suzanna's hand and she turned her head so I saw her glassy eyes that told me she wasn't really seeing me and that she was focused on what Paul was doing to her. I looked down and saw him running the big head of his cock up and down the wet furrow of her pussy. Every time he'd rub it on her clit she'd moan and her gaze would go elsewhere as I watched him rub it around her pussy slowly stretching her open.

In the past I would have been feeling nauseous at the sight … but not this time. I knew she loved me and that this was something we both did want. Maybe all her talking helped; maybe her making me talk about it helped, but this time, I loved watching him toying with my wife's body as he made himself at home with her. I almost let out a cheer when I saw him push into her once, twice and then I watched him pop the big head of his cock into her body.

They fucked for a few minutes which made her start gasping for breath as he plunged firmly and deeply into her as I watched. But then, just as suddenly as he'd pushed into her, he pulled completely out of her with almost a popping sound. I was speechless and motionless as she moved effortlessly, as she slapped gently at her butt, into kneeling at the edge of the bed. As she pushed her butt up in the air she looked towards me again and this time she smiled broadly as I watched him put his hands on her hips and watched him push back into her.

I don't know how long this went on for but I do know that they moved to at least 2 other positions including her riding on top of him before finally returning to the position she loves, missionary.

She mouthed, "I love you", to me as she lay back on our bed and Paul moved into position. I said before how his cock looks bigger (well, the head on it does and how it looks kind of 'angry') and this was how he looked as he knelt between her legs. She looked beautiful lying there waiting and wanting him.

I stayed there sitting sideways on the bed as they moved from fucking into passion and then what I can only say is them truly making love. They kissed, held each other close and whispered to each other words I couldn't hear as he lay against her and pushed into her time and time again. She came several times before even I could tell he was going to. She hugged and held him tightly as I knew he was thrusting deep into her and she was moaning over and over and over.

Finally I saw him really start to push deep into her and I have to say it became one of my favourite moments that I can remember. I could tell she was on edge and just as I heard him grunt loudly I heard her cry out as she came with him. It didn't sound or seem as if it was the huge orgasm that she'd wanted with him and I immediately worried that me being there had prevented it.

He slowed down while she still held him deeply and then she eventually let go of him. I felt a pang of hurt to be sitting there at that moment right next to them, especially knowing his cock was still in her as they lay there and kissed and hugged but I also knew from how Suzanna sounded as she moaned softly with him that while she may not have had the explosive orgasm with him, that I'd definitely witnessed them cumming together.

He pulled out of her and she again lay there looking at him and deliberately avoiding me. Once again I could see her pussy all inflamed and open but this time with a thick bead of his cum beginning to flow outside. I think I made some kind of approving groan but she continued to look at him, touching his face and holding him but seemingly at that moment had no intention of looking at me. He was also ignoring me and obviously enjoying seeing her lying there well used by him.

They kissed a bit more and then suddenly she closed her legs and turned to face me. He lay against her as she lay on her side and they spooned as she looked at me. "Did you enjoy watching me?" she asked plainly.

I gulped and said, "Yes.... very much.....”

It really felt surreal watching them, especially as she moved to kneel for him and she looked up at me. I had an instant flashback to that one time when she was with Dan and the feeling of dread in my gut that I recalled from that time. Only this time I didn't have this; instead I really wanted to see her respond to him and maybe that's what I feel the most, that I loved watching her respond to him so fully and without any reservation or hesitation. I also very much glossed over seeing her push him onto his back and to hold his cock in position for her to lower herself onto, but that is exactly what she did. It only took a moment and then they quickly returned to their former passion, the only difference being who was doing the fucking and seeing her ride him till she moaned in pleasure is something that even now gets me hard. It was just a moment later when after she'd enjoyed herself, that she rolled over towards me and presented herself for him in the missionary position and a moment later he climbed on top of her for their last go-round.

So it was kind of unexpected what she said to me, I thought maybe she was going to say I should give her a kiss or something but instead, as she lay there with him spooned up I watched her tilt her head down as he began to kiss at her neck and his hand came around to caress her breasts but then move down towards her pussy. She raised her right leg and when she did I could see the whitish wetness begin to seep out of her. Her eyes were closed as he continued to kiss her. As he moved his hand down to her pussy he looked up at me and said, "you okay?" to which I groaned back something like "uh huh". The look on his face didn't change until I saw his fingers spread his cum all over her little button and then saw him push them back into her.

She moaned and pushed herself back against him and that made me smile. I think that was all he needed to see. He turned his head back to hers and she turned to meet his and they kissed all the while he kept gently fingering her pussy, bringing what was obviously his cum from her open hole up to and then rubbed all up and down her pussy lips and all around her clit. He did that till she moaned and moved onto her back and pulled him down onto her.

I know she knew I was there and yet this time, oh my god how it turned me on to see her just wanting him. She told me later she was a little disappointed that she didn't have that big orgasm with him, but she said that at that moment when she pulled him down to her, it was one of the sexiest moments she's ever felt with anyone, me or otherwise. She told me that she felt like she was on fire for him and at that moment, all she wanted was him. She said she was sorry for being so blunt with me but that I needed to know just how she felt. I told her that I could have figured it out from watching them and that it was obvious.

She smiled, turned to kiss him and then she looked back at me and said, "can we be alone for a little while baby?"

I went downstairs, still fully dressed, to pour myself a drink.


It appears that this may become our new norm, at least if we're home on the weekends, that Paul is going to be coming here every Saturday. It's okay, actually I said to her it was okay and even joked with her that over time, I expected that I wouldn't feel I 'needed' to be there every time. Again I told her that an overnight might also be something that would be exciting from time to time and something to look forward to.

Unlike the prior Saturday, time seemed to either go by very slowly or to fly by without me being aware of it. Time flew by watching the two of them but now as before, walking down to our living room and hearing them from a distance, the clock slowed to a crawl. I was horny as heck hearing them upstairs and again, as with every other time, when their loudness calmed down my curiosity took hold and I just had to go back up the stairs wanting to see her with him.

I looked in and the bed was a mess and they were fucking in the missionary position diagonally across the bed. From the part-opened doorway I could see them from the side and the silhouette of him plunging into my wife as she held her own legs back and apart for him.

I could easily hear her low moaning that would rise in tone as he pushed into her and deepen as he pulled out each time. I opened the door and I recall that she momentarily turned my way and smiled but then, if anything, almost seemed to pull her legs back even more as she looked back up at him. She whispered something to him that I didn't ask about but I am fairly sure was a reminder of what she wanted.

I loved watching them. Although I'd heard and seen her earlier, as I said, it got easier and easier to be with her and see her so focused on him. This time I knew that by the time I slid off my pants (yes, I was going to jerk-off while I watched) that she would have already forgotten about me.

I stepped out of my pants and boxers which had dropped to the floor around my ankles and took hold of my rigid coco. Again I heard the squishing and slurping sounds and this time got to see him pull completely out of her and then push himself back in effortlessly even though the head of his cock was so swollen. I admit to feeling a pang of jealously thinking of Suzanna feeling that plug of a head pushing in and out of her and I knew why she arched her back and shivered each time he pulled almost all the way out (I could imagine it stretching her out in all sorts of ways inside) but what I loved the most was the animal nature of it. They were done making love, now they were fucking and even when I thought he might be hurting her from the way she moaned or groaned, at the same time, thinking about what he was feeling and what he was making her feel, wow did it turn me on!

I stopped jerking off before I came too quickly! Instead I moved closer to them and just sort of got into a comfortable position to watch them. I know she would have yelled at me for how explicit I was about it moving so closely at times but she was totally absorbed with him and paid me no attention. I'm actually surprised that Paul went unnerved and continued enjoying himself but, like I said, I don't know how long they were at it, long enough for her to cry out several times, that's for sure.

Once again, as I knelt there next to them on the bed, I became quite aware that the end was approaching. From her cries going from loudly piercing to low and continuous; from him grunting quietly to breathing hard with a visible sheen of sweat on his back, I knew she was going to get what she wanted.

She came first with a loud 'oh my god' accompanied by her pushing herself upward at him with each of his thrusts. His climax followed with a loud, "uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhhh", over and over that I knew accompanied each squirt of cum he was shooting into her. I watched the two of them rock gently back and forth with her riding one single orgasm for what seemed like several minutes.

He stopped his deep thrusting and she opened her eyes and gazed up at him with this longing look in them. It appeared to me that Paul realized what she needed and instead of him stopping moving when he finished in her, he seemed to take renewed pleasure in fucking her with his still somewhat hard cock. I could see his cum dripping out of her as he pulled almost all the way out and then pushed gently back in over and over. A moment later Suzanna burst out in a loud moan that was accompanied by a gush of wetness from her pussy that coated the back of her butt and made a wet-spot on the bed. Paul knew what he'd been told and what I knew, he kept on fucking her and she went from conscious to incoherent in just a few seconds as she flopped around underneath him screaming in ecstasy with spurts of wetness visibly coming out of her as he kept up with her as best as he could.

Finally, he'd shrunk enough that he slipped out of her and even with him just laying against her rubbing his cock up and down her swollen pussy, she continued to moan and shake until finally she pushed him away and lay there, totally ******* for us both to see, not moving except her chest heaving with each breath.

She looked beautiful, her whole mound and thighs were glistening wet and with her legs spread, her pussy gaped with this incredible just-fucked look. I was a bit taken for a second with how she was just lying there so totally visible seemingly without a care in the world. He lay on his side next to her and again, making me feel wonderful about giving her to him, running his hands lovingly across her body. She reacted and still with her eyes closed, she reached for his arm and pulled him around herself like he was a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't think Paul noticed I'd been jerking off and not wanting to spoil the moment before he did so I stepped back into my pants and watched the two love-birds now truly share an intimate post-fuck moment. I again felt like a 3rd wheel so I got off the bed quietly and slowly left the room. I truly wanted to stay but I also knew she'd want this time to be alone with him before he left.

I will say that I thought very fondly about the possibility of him staying one Saturday night and my re-joining them after sex in bed with them to feel her next to me and enjoy a cuckold moment of maybe watching TV with them. I know that if I felt like I do after Paul leaves, that lying there next to her knowing she's just had sex with him and that her pussy is full of his cum, that I would totally get off on that feeling. I'm not sure that I'll ever be comfortable masturbating while Paul is there but if that situation were to happen I may finally give in and shed my inhibition. Who knows what might happen?

I went back downstairs and as with the past few weeks, after hearing noises, a little commotion and the water draining in the bathroom, once again Paul emerged dressed and came downstairs to join me. It was a little awkward at first but I joked with him, "finally done up there eh?" which made him laugh and relax and he responded with an embarrassed sounding 'yeah'.

I took the high road and told him not to worry about it and that I knew Suzanna was enjoying herself. He again asked me, "you're really okay with this?" to which I told him that I was very turned on about going up to be with her after he left. I'm sure he understood that to mean I was going to go have sex with her but I actually wasn't sure what she was going to want.

He smiled and said it's crazy but that if I'm okay with it that he'll just get used to it and then he joked back, "she is really incredible in bed" to which I just gave a nod. We talked a bit more about football and stuff but to be honest, after a few minutes of bantering I think he knew I was anxious for him to leave. We wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving and I saw him to the front door. As soon as it closed I bounded up to the bedroom.

I swear there are moments when I look at Suzanna and I just melt and fall in love with her all over again. Seeing her lying all cozy beneath the blankets in our bed was so erotic. I lay on top of the covers for a moment to tease myself more than anything knowing she lay naked underneath the blankets. I kissed her and her lips seemed swollen, no doubt from kissing him or sucking his cock. I could feel how warm she felt through the blankets and I stripped off my clothes and crawled in beside her. When I pulled the blanket out to get in beside her I could smell sex, her sweetness and the obvious smell of his cum permeating the air in our bed. Lying there next to her, feeling how she felt and knowing less than an hour before she'd been fucking him, it was such a turn on.

"I saw you before".

I asked, "what?"

She said, "I saw you jerking off before".

I told her I was horny and still was.

She looked at me and asked me, "I know you're horny baby but can you maybe wait till tomorrow?”

Again it was this loving voice that just got to me, how could I say no; how could I possibly tell her that I just had to have her, that I had to spoil the feeling she had right then all aglow from Paul and just push myself onto her.

She turned to me and said, "I know you're turned on baby but would you take care of it yourself?".

She didn't need me to answer her as I think my right hand instinctively went to my already hard cock. She turned towards me and slid the covers down so she could watch. As I started to stroke my cock she told me how wonderful she'd felt and how she loved fucking Paul. I was so on the edge after hours of being so horny that when she started to ask me, "did you see me finally really cum with him?"

My answer was a grunt and a huge stream of cum that squirted all over my stomach and even up to my chin. The sexy moan she let out as I came was just intense to hear from her.


What I am quickly realizing today is that we aren't having sex twice a week now and haven't for a while now. We seem to be down to just once a week on Sunday night and maybe if I'm lucky on a Monday or a Tuesday. A part of me feels like I could shed tear and yet another part of me is wickedly turned on that instead of me having 11 or 12 more times with her, that perhaps it might be as few as 5 or 6 more times.

My cock is hard thinking about it but I suspect the reality will be equally trying on me.


Things are developing with Paul but as Suzanna said to me, she doesn't want to push things along any faster than they are happening on their own. She's made it well known to me that she is developing more feelings for Paul; that she likes spending time with him even when they're not having sex and she emphasized that it IS making the sex a lot better for her.


While it sounds like it should be an easy conversation with him, telling him that I shall not be having her bare, it's something that still feels awkward. I am going towards telling him about it as part of maybe some discussion around Christmas gifts. I can see it happening that way and I can tell him that I was going to do or rather give it to her as a present, that she'll just be bare with him. He'll probably ask, "really?" and maybe it'll be easy to say it's something I want to give her and that I want her to have. It always sounds easy to say in my head but I'm not certain how it will sound when I actually tell him.

The thing I will say is that at times I still hear some reluctance in her voice; a bit of forlornness if you will at times. Like late last night as we got ready for bed she was staring at me as I got undressed. I deliberately let her see me naked for a little longer and she commented something about "... going to miss him..." referring to my cock as I pulled up my boxers. Maybe she said it to make me feel good or something like that but it sounded honest which, in a way, made me feel good too. I suppose it's maybe similar to the feeling I get looking at her at times knowing what I am relinquishing.


She is going to see him this afternoon but says she won't be there late (ha ha). She kissed me before she left. She also told me that Paul is going to be away for most of the long-weekend, going to his ********'s or something like that, and that he won't be back till the weekend so after she comes home tonight we'll be back to vanilla for a few days.

I suppose I should add one more thought. I asked her why she's never modelling or taking the time to pick out something sexy to bring with her. I was taken off guard and quite surprised when she giggled and said that she'd long left the ones he liked the best over at his place already. She pointed out that several items of her lingerie weren't in her drawer anymore including that leopard camisole and the very lacy and very sheer panty and bra-set she had shown me. She giggled and said that she's not sure why she bothered as she hardly wears them when she's at his place. Again she told me that she finds herself much more comfortable in just one of his dress-shirts.


For as positive and sure about this as we both are at times, there are still times when I will look at her, clothed or naked, and I'll fixate on her pussy and thoughts go through my head about 'is this really what I want' and 'do I really want to give her up this way'. She has been open and told me that she stares at me and my cock in much the same way and, as I've said, she says she's thought that, "after 30 years, it's not going to be giving me pleasure", referring to my cock or 'him' in the context I wrote. I'm not sure how to read that.

What I am most surprised about is the change in her attitude. She says that she understands me and my desires a lot more now and that she can even see how I can get aroused. She's become quite open and comfortable in ratcheting up the teasing and has told me that she understands, even thinks it's kind of erotic that I get so aroused at her doing/giving her lover something that she denies me.

Last night she told me that seeing me cum and knowing that I'm going to be using condoms soon with her is something that now turns her on a lot, she says she understands how that seems to turn me on as she's found some of the same arousal herself. In a way that's good as it may account for the change I've felt in her that's made it easier for me to accept what I want. Last night I told her again how as the 'beta' that I want to experience her getting her pleasure from her new 'alpha'.


I'll finish this diary entry by sharing something else she said to me last night. She said she didn't think she could ever connect sexually with her lover , Paul or whoever, without feeling really strong emotionally or even feeling like she might be falling in love with him. She told me last night that was wrong, that she has surprised herself that she is feeling this kind of desire (and response) with Paul because, as she said, "I don't feel like I love him". She says she is surprised she can have the sex she wants with him without that.

Anyway, after spewing my cum again all over myself last night she leaned down and this time licked me clean herself, each time coming up and sharing a snowball kiss with me. She hugged me and said that we'll always have our Wednesday nights too.


It’s Saturday and I'm sure she's a little down about not seeing him today, but that wasn't apparent last night when, after our kids announced they'd be out for a while, she and I spent quality time making-love ourselves, as Suzanna said, "enjoy each other".

It wasn't totally vanilla as she still took some opportunities to tease me about Paul including asking me if she, "felt any different". I told her the honest answer, that in my head it turns me on to think that she does feel different 'knowing' that it's from him although in reality I was pretty sure it was just in my head.

She cooed and teased me saying, "I don't know .... I think I feel differently..." and then added, "you feel different in me!".

That turned me on to hear her tell me that she could actually feel how we felt different. She said, "you're much thicker; you stretch me differently".

We didn't go much further than that and while some of my thoughts were cuck-ish, the reality is that we were both very much in tune with each other. She orgasmed easily and deeply with me and she was eager as ever when she knew I was getting close.

She was just about mid-orgasm when it all got too much for me and I let go deep inside her. Even I could tell it was a good-sized load and she moaned deeply as she felt me shooting off inside her. Our position and closeness was perfect, she rocked her hips backwards just as I'd finished cumming and I rode her for another few minutes as I felt her start to respond and, sure enough, a moment later my now familiar motions had again brought her to a screaming writhing orgasm beneath me. I swear she's barely conscious by the end and finally she lets go from this tenseness as I guess the final wave of pleasure sweeps over her leaving her limp, motionless, barely breathing and covered with this sheen of sweat. I leaned down and held her tightly as she slowly opened her eyes. It was nice to reconnect with her.


While Paul seems to be accepting of our hotwife desires right now, I’m still unsure how I am going to feel assuming the beta/cuck role, whether being with them knowing I can't/won't/don't-want-to participate. In some ways, if Paul is good about things, it might be fun if he's okay about it but if it makes him feel weird that I am more watching than participating. It could be that he might be uncomfortable with the cuck-parts such as me wanting just him to give her pleasure and wondering what he's going to think when Suzanna makes me wear and cum in the condom but doesn't want me to really get her to cum while he's there. About the condoms in general, I can see him possibly accepting that I am technically 'giving her to him'" but I think the denial aspects might be a bit weird.

Then again, if he's very cool about it, I've had the thoughts that it might be very arousing to be there with them and to hear him say to me, "remember when you used to do this with her?" So I'm not ruling things out just yet.

If he was really cool like this, then, yes, I think I'd more fully embrace being out in the open about it but if he's not going to toe-the-line and be sympathetic regarding my developing feelings about this, then it may be easier for all of us for me to only watch.

Regarding him cumming in her. We've both told him that we like him to cum in her and I'm fairly sure she's told him that I regularly go down on her and that I don't mind whether it's his or my cum in her. I haven't asked about his feelings other than what I've observed that he's not opposed to sloppy-seconds or thirds in that he's gone right into her after me with just her wiping herself clean a bit. As with watching or participating while they're having sex, same here, I think a lot of it is going to depend on how it feels with him.

It sounds silly, but I guess a part of me still fears being labelled gay or queer in his head if he sees me eagerly going down on Suzanna and licking her clean. I think if it were all done in the right way, that I would have no hesitation if Suzanna asked me to clean her up a bit. I know that I've gotten past this moment with other guys in the past so I'm sure it'll just take a little time to get the best read on him and figure out what works.

Now, if I should be asked what I want to do then I can definitely answer, yes, that whether it's while he's here or after he leaves, there is no doubt that I do want to get between her legs and share the experience with her. From the times I've done this so far, I can begin to report that Paul's cum doesn't taste as tart or acrid as mine does and, yes, as Suzanna has reported to me many times (maybe it's age or whatever) he surely cums more than I do. I'm beginning to think that this may be at play in Suzanna's desires, indirectly if not directly, that maybe my not cumming all that much is something that's adding to what she feels with Paul.


It’s a Monday and her horniness is rising as she's already keyed up about seeing him again on Thursday.

In the meanwhile, I benefitted from her arousal again last night when we had a little bit of fun before bed. When we were naked in bed last night she started to tease me and brought up that I should enjoy myself. She actually came out and reminded me, "you only have about 8 or 9 more times baby".

She asked me if I was still turned on by what was coming and whether it was still what I wanted. After having passionate sex with her on Friday night I think she still wanted to hear it from me that after taking a turn in the alpha role that I still wanted to resume the beta role. I told her, yes without a hesitation. If anything, enjoying her as I did only made me want to experience it more.


We did some talking over the long weekend and she started to ask me about whether I wanted to be teased or taunted by different cuckold things. She said she'd wanted to know how I felt about it and whether it was a turn-on. I told her that it was and that for some things it would be a big turn-on if she was more playful and forward about it. She told me she'd work on it and as a part of that discussion she again asked me to confirm that it really turned me on that she gave or did things with her lovers before or instead of me. I groaned back that she knew that was true.


Yesterday we were in CVS and she called to me to follow her. I should have known what she was doing but it didn't register until I stood next to her and she said, "so....". I turned and looked at the rack in front of me and it was the condom-section!

She smiled and said, "so, which ones did you like the best?"

I gulped at having been surprised like that and she almost immediately recognized that I had sprouted a huge hard-on. She stood next to me and just in front of me and said, "there, now no one can see …. " and she asked me, " … do you want the really-thin ones like last time?" Then she gave me an evil giggle and turned to look at me and said, "or maybe the thicker ones so you don't feel as much?" and she kissed me. It's good that I had on a heavy pair of jeans so that I didn't feel anything as she rubbed up against me or I'd have cum on the spot.

I caught my breath and she smiled as I told her, "the thin ones, thank you". She picked up a box and put them into the basket she was carrying. I don't know why but I was wicked horny at the checkout line as the cashier scanned them and put them in a bag. I never thought how erotic it was for me, much less Suzanna, to essentially be telling the teenaged cashier that, "these are for my husband and me". Of course in my head there's more to the story than that!


Last night she started to tease me that I'd 'better enjoy' and that I should 'remember these times' and told me that she was very turned on that we'd bought the condoms after our talk. It was as we were fucking that she started to tease me more, telling me that, "soon you won't feel me so much … " and "I'll only be wet from Paul…". Needless to say, it didn't take long for her teasing to launch me into a huge orgasm.

I didn't miss the opportunity to enjoy her one more time and as I felt my orgasm waning I was still hard and I pulled her down the bed more deeply onto my cock and kept on fucking her until she screamed and shook beneath me. It was such a thrill to feel her pussy spasming in time with her body and her deep breathing as she let herself go with me and a moment later as she went limp.

The thing I want to share is that as she lay there beneath me (yeah, it felt wonderful to have cum deep inside her) was that I was incredibly focused on the feeling of slowly pulling out of her while I was still a little hard. Feeling her pussy so slick and open and the thought that Paul has felt this with her too, made me feel very re-assured that I do want to give her to him. It's weird to think that it actually turns me on to think about not having her knowing what I'll be giving him.


She did reveal where her newfound curiosity is coming from; apparently her email-friend is guiding her. I'd asked, "what brought all that about" referring to the more explicit and pointed teasing and she told me that her friend is helping to explain more about me. I'm assuming it's a guy but it could be a woman too?

Something that actually did come up between us and she's actually backtracked on some of what she'd said earlier. She has backed away from her stance of it being mainly for me (sex with me) and now says that she wants to still feel and retain some physical sexual connection with me. She said things like, "I'll always want you" and that led me to question her and she said that it's just something she wants to feel at times, referring to her wanting more or less with me.

It was actually a timely discussion as it was a question I was going to have to ask and I wasn't sure what the answer was going to be as, no matter what, I found it hard to believe that she wasn't going to feel anything from me.

She moved back from the earlier exclusivity desires too. She now says that she's not totally sure that she'll want to, "just be with Paul" and that if she does want that, that it will only be for a little while. That's when she said that she realizes she'd miss feeling and connecting with me.

In the next moment she giggled and said that she was sure she'd do it because it turns me on. Even though I knew she was talking about cutting me off for a while, hearing her say she'd do it because it turned me on made me feel good.

I think for me, the thing that I feel most is that even after taking the role in the alpha-seat and truly making passionate love with her on Friday night and bringing her to the height of pleasure, that I will surely miss it, but I do still want to relinquish it to Paul. I know it sounds crazy but there is something almost uncontrollable in me that makes me want her to give him this next level exclusivity and for her, for a period of time at least, to wean me off of sex with her totally for a while. It still scares me in so many ways, maybe that's a part of the arousal.

She says she knows me and knows what she wants (which has obviously changed a bit recently) and that she's confident it'll be good for us. Perhaps the tell-tale part of it for me is that even after an intense session with her or masturbating furiously and cumming several times, that even when I'm totally spent, I still find myself drawn to wanting it.

I am very content to let her desires develop at her speed. I've asked a few times but it's obvious to me that she very much wants me to start using condoms with her as planned. She has that same type of bounce in her step and her behaviour makes it obvious she is very turned on by all that is going on with Paul.

Her sex-drive has increased tremendously. Whereas two times a week with me was nice for the past year, now she is horny 4 and 5 days a week. It's such a thrill to know it's because of Paul that she's so revved up but at the same time, she's pulled back from the edge about trying to predict and schedule when things will happen between us. Even after my suggestion of an overnight stay, there's been no response from her to move ahead on it.

So in that sense, I feel she is in the same mode, letting things build on their own. I see many similarities between how she's been both now and back when she was first really getting into being with Robert. It's actually incredibly exciting to see it all instead of just the limited view I had of it with Robert.

Well, time to go do some exercising and work off a bit of the huge meal Suzanna prepared on Thanksgiving (with my help!).


Also a good time to stop and find a fresh book.