Journal of a Journey - Book 79

I thought more about things after my midnight rant and I guess this really is my issue. After I jerked off yet again I went back into bed and lay there next to her thinking about a lot of things.

I guess it really is my issue. I mean lying there next to her I know that she loves me and I know I love her. I should just believe it and accept it. It's not like I ever question that, it's actually, as I've come to realize, my issue.

The answer I came to lying there last night is that I while I surely didn't consider how I'd respond to this, I'm not sure I fully appreciated that my desire to assume a beta-role with her had to lead to her lover taking the alpha-role. I guess that's what I am feeling now, seeing and knowing that he will take the alpha role. I guess it became clear to me the more I thought about how things will change as I assume more of a back seat.

So that is the question I guess I am really facing and she is right, it is what I asked for and it is what she wanted. She's right when she asked me what did I think was going to happen? In this sense it's probably not something we discussed enough but that's my fault in not following through with our conversations so it's really my issue that I'm dealing with here. I'm also thinking about it from her perspective, that nothing is amiss or of concern. That's what I come back to over and over, we have been here before and that she said she's been like this with Robert. Just as I saw with Paul, and probably even more so after a year or more with Robert, if she'd been truly making love with Robert all that time, no wonder she's responded and behaved as she did.

I guess I just never thought about it. I almost feel stupid about it today thinking about it. I guess I owe her an apology.


It’s still not easy for me to watch and see her 'making love' right in front of me. I don't know that I ever really saw her truly making love with another guy before. Seeing how emotional and open and focused she was with him makes me say no, that even some of the most intense times I saw in the past that she'd perhaps never truly made love with another man as she is now doing. It hurts to see it, knowing that is also something that I want to give up. I will say that these feelings of seeing her with him are something I didn't consider. I can and will relinquish her sexually but this emotional thing is something else although, despite my apprehension on her emotional level, it hasn't really changed how I feel about her physically and sexually. That remains, that I do love seeing another man use her as his own. I do love knowing she wants that and, when the time is right, I will have no qualms about returning to use condoms with her. What I've realized is that it's her emotional response to him and her focus on him during sex is where I am having my issues.

At least it feels good in my head to start to have some clarity on what I am feeling. I think that's what was confusing me, was I responding to seeing her having sex, or was I responding to her emotional connection to him that I saw? It wasn't the sex.

The more I thought about it, I did love seeing him fucking her and I can even say that had she asked me to wait and to not have my turn with her, I would have but yet I know that seeing her immediately turn to kiss, hug and pull him close would have hurt. It's just something I am going to have to get used to.

I looked back to how I felt long ago with Peter when she first told me she'd let him prepare her diaphragm and I remembered how it affected me that it was something so intimate she was giving him. This feels very much the same to me and as back then, it'll just take some more time for me to get used to.

She is beautiful when she's with him. I think that's also what gets to me, that it's not at all faked or acted or put on for me. I do love seeing and knowing that, even now it feels very fulfilling for me to know she has that. I'll just have to get used to knowing and seeing what really happens and continue to listen to what she'd already said. That she'd been like this with Robert for a long time and it wasn't something that affected me or us.

I feel better about things but I'm still just not sure.


We talked more last night. I apologized (again) and this time she apologized too, which was nice, and admitted that maybe she'd been a bit harsh and hadn't really thought about how difficult it might be for me. We laughed a bit at times and were serious at other times.

She told me that we'll talk more later but what was clear is that she wants me to get over my apprehension and ill feelings and she reminded me that it took several times when she was with Peter before I was comfortable with everything and reminded me I'd reacted in a similar way with each of her boyfriends and that had made her realize that maybe this wasn't easy for me.

There’s no doubt that she's much more determined and much more forward this time. She admits to liking Paul a lot and to that feeling having grown to where she says that she wants this to happen now and that she wanted to know whether I really didn't want it or was it that I just had cold-feet. At points she made it clear again that she'd been like this with Robert for months and it hadn't affected us. (I didn't like to remind her that I never met him and didn't know about that side of them), other times she made it very clear that I need to accept this.

One thing Suzanna mentioned is that she feels like she is getting to be too old for this and has said that she can't see anyone wanting her after she's 55 next year so it appears that just as the calendar influences younger women in terms of getting married and having kids, that the same calendar still affects things. I told her that most any guy would love to have sex with her and she laughed and said 'that's true' but that she feels her chances of having this 'affair' will be slimmer and slimmer in the future.

Either way, I'm sure tonight will be revealing.


Last night was interesting and eye opening in some ways. One of the things that Suzanna emphasized was that while she may 'make love' with Paul, she is definitely not 'in love' with him and she felt that was important for me to know that. Hearing her say that certainly did comfort me and made a lot of our talking a lot easier.

She asked me if it bothered me to know that's how she is when she is at Paul's place, that she and he, especially now since going bare with him, will 'make love' for what seems like hours to her. I know what she means as it's something she and I had long done where we'd fuck, take a break and then go back to it, all while remaining together passionately and emotionally connected. She asked me if it bothered me to know that she was that way with Robert for months and months. She reminded me that I knew how they were together as she made it clear how he made her feel.

It did make me think and what I came to realize was that it was because I was there seeing it. I recognized how my feelings had gotten out of control (but yes, I did hold them back) while I was with them or even watching from the doorway, but how more relaxed I was about it when I was downstairs. It makes me think more about something I read the other day that basically said that seeing her making love with him was the fulfilment of him assuming the alpha-role with her and fulfilling my desire to assume the beta-role. It's very similar to what she's said, that if I'm not going to do it then she will have it with Paul.


Last night was much more focused on me and whether this is what I want. She did say that she's kind of annoyed that I'm wavering at this point now that she's found someone she can feel strongly about but she again emphasized some of what she's said before, that it is okay with her if I have desires like this to be denied and that she understands that it's just a different way for me to feel enjoyment and that she is okay with it. She added that if I am honest about this, then I should be able to accept that this is a part of it, that she WILL make love with her lover and she asked me, no, more or less told me, "isn't that what you wanted?" Before I could answer she said, "I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be so hard if it didn't turn you on" as she pointed at my now stiff cock.

She asked if maybe she shouldn't be at our house with him as much as she has or intended to be. I told her no, that if I had to, that I would just wait elsewhere while she enjoyed herself and I told her that over time I am sure it will be easier for me or that I'll be better about it. Then she asked me a huge question 'was I up-tight about it because of how I felt around Paul?'

I didn't quite understand what she was asking so she put it another way, 'would it be easier if Paul knew more about what turned me on denial-wise and that stuff; basically did I feel uncomfortable being there because of how I felt about Paul rather than her?'

It was an interesting question; I told her I didn't know. She then asked me if I'd thought any more about what she'd said to me before that question, whether I would ever want to be the one to tell Paul about what turns me on and what I wanted. She asked if maybe that would make me feel better about it if I was more clear with him. (I think one of her email pen-pals must have suggested that to her because it's sort of unlike how she normally thinks).

I think at this point the conversation turned into more serious-discussion rather than a teasing-turn-on and as we talked more than teased I even stopped stroking and turned to face her. She asked me if I still felt strongly about it, wanting to be the beta for her. Before I could answer she added that she had come to be turned-on by it herself and that if it's what I wanted to try, then I would need to accept all the things that come with it. After kissing me she told me she loved me and knew that this wasn't something easy for us to discuss now 'for real' instead of just talk like it had been in the past. She again told me that she knew it was hard for me.

The more we talked the more I realized that it really was my issue and that it really was seeing it more than knowing it, so the direction our conversation took was that I would try to watch them more at our house, whether being right there with them or more from a distance. In general we both agreed that we would both like it if she and Paul could use our home more freely and that it was something I would just have to get used to.

She told me how sexy it was that we were talking about stuff like this and that she thought it was great that we were both so horny about things like this and how she liked feeling this between us. I knew what she was saying, that even without us having sex, that we were still horny about it and about each other. She cooed and told me how she had always loved watching me masturbate and now, even more. I had started stroking again and was still looking at her. When she saw me she smiled and pulled up the front of her night-shirt and showed me her still-bare pussy. (I say still-bare because it is obvious to me that she is keeping it shaved for Paul as normally once summer is over, she lets it grow in a bit). When she saw me looking down at it she spread her legs and looked at me and asked me if I think about, "only Paul's cum being in me in the future?”

I groaned in reply and she continued and told me that since he'd started going bare with her that she's felt a growing desire for that too! She leaned towards me and teased that, "maybe we should go shopping for condoms soon.... would that turn you on baby?” A rhetorical question as I guess it was obvious to her that I was horny as hell as she continued.

She's started to be a bit more pointed in her teasing and as part of that she teased me a bit about whether it's something I think about. I admitted that there were times when we were having sex that I thought and got aroused at how it'd feel if I was using a condom at that time. She moaned in response that she liked that and she said she'd felt the same way and she said that she thought about it last weekend when I took my turn after Paul. She cooed that she thought about how she'd feel if I'd been in a condom and she again told me how it again turned her on to think about only Paul getting to cum in her.

Needless to say all of her talking was really getting to me and I am quite sure she knew I was close to cumming. She teased me and leaned in close and told me how sexy she felt thinking about 'only feeling my lover in me' and she told me that watching me cum made her really horny.

What really sent me over the edge was when she asked me whether I'd want to start using condoms soon. I asked her when she was thinking and she said that she had thought 'how romantic' it might be if I gave her that maybe on Christmas or for New Years Eve. My god did that get me throbbing! I am sure I moaned out loud at that and she leaned in and said, "that would mean a lot to me". I know I groaned back that we could try for that date and she leaned in and kissed me and said, "thank you".

I was really stroking away and was on the edge. She lay next to me and told me how horny it was watching me jerking-off and how big and hard I was. I am sure she knew I needed another push to really get off and, wow, did she deliver it.

As I was really getting into it she stayed close to me and talked softly in my ear. The first thing I heard was, "you know once you start, that I'm going to hold you to it" and she added that last time while she was seeing Robert, that she'd given me a few times when she'd let me have her bare again. Now she was telling me that this time there would be no break, "… Are you going to be okay with that baby?”

It was such a turn-on to hear her say it with such a sexy voice, I groaned back in response. She said it that it was just such a turn-on for her and when she felt me respond she leaned even close and cooed, "it could be a long time baby.... how are you going to feel if I'm dating Paul for a few months?" Oh my god, she was talking so sexy; she added that, "it's only right .... if you're the beta....” I was about to burst when she whispered the tease, "what if I see him for longer baby …. what if it's a year or even more?"

I didn't even really have time to think about it or dwell on it, just from the tone in her voice I let go and grunted out loud as I let my load of cum fly, rope after rope of cum out and all over my chest. She moaned at seeing and feeling me cum next to her and I even think that as I pulled the last bit out that I felt her float into her own orgasm just from watching me. Even she was breathing deeply after I'd let go and let my cock flop against my stomach.


She did see him on Thursday night. She came home quite happy.

He is due to be here in about an hour. Suzanna is in taking a nap right now. I am horny as can be.

I reconfirmed my beta-desire to her and again told her that I wanted this to work for all of us. She told me that she wants to let herself feel free with Paul and that she doesn't want to have to worry about me getting upset or anything like that. I told her that I thought that it would get easier over time and I told her that if it's what she wants, to be able to have him over on a regular basis, then I wanted to give that opportunity to her and, as I said, that it would work for all of us.

She seemed not to want to let go of the discussion and keeps questioning or wants my desire reconfirmed as she asked if I was going to be ready for New Years. I told her that it turned me on that she wanted it and that I truly knew it was her that wanted it. She told me what I already long knew, that she responded better and felt closer and more fulfilled when it was just her lover cumming in her as it had been with Robert and at times before. When she asked about New Years I finally admitted to her that in my head I count every time we have sex as one less time left before I give her that pleasure with just her lover. She held me tightly and she said thank you for letting her have something like this.

I am eager till he gets here already. We talked briefly and she said that she would like if we could do the same as last time, giggling and adding, "including you peeking through the door" and asked if I was going to be okay with that. I know what she meant and I again told her that I would do my best and that despite my discomfort at times, I loved sharing the moment with her and seeing her just so beautiful. She always smiles when I say that to her.

So, I'm wicked horny; I've abstained since Wednesday night with her despite my desires otherwise. I feel good about it tonight, but then again that's what I've felt this each time before.

We did not talk about revealing anything to Paul about my need to be denied but I admit that I am working up the courage to try figure out how to tell him more. I think Suzanna would really like it if I could do this but I worry and know that it needs to be gradual. I've thought of somehow telling him that it's something we talked about and that I’m giving her as a Christmas present; her desire to just be with him. I was thinking I would tell him for how long and if he asked, maybe just answer, "not sure yet". I admit it gets me hard to think about it. I think I may feel better about presenting it to him as me going along with Suzanna's desire rather than it being my own? Somehow that makes it easier for me to think about but I haven't discussed it with her yet.

She wanted very much to follow the same pattern as last week and in the few minutes before he arrived she reminded me that when I took my turn with her, that she didn't want me to really make her cum at the end again. She turned to me and said that she doesn't want to make Paul feel inferior and then she said, "besides, it's not something you should really do for me if you are my 'beta'". Oh my god, it sounded so sexy to hear her say that to me knowing she was so turned on about it.

The three of us were markedly more comfortable this time but not yet at the point where Paul is comfortable with physical interaction with her outside the bedroom. At one point while I was out of the room but could see in slightly, she sat next to him and started to kiss him but he moved away when I came back in. I joked as I had in the past that I was 'sorry to interrupt' and Suzanna giggled but it was obvious that Paul still wasn't certain.

I am aware that we have to bring him more up to speed with us and I know it's likely to be me that has to have that conversation, but it hasn't happened yet. We were all cordial until we finally made our way to getting down to it. We again shared some wine over dinner after which things relaxed between us. To break the ice Suzanna took the lead and told me that she'd had fun with Paul on Thursday night and then told me that he gives great massages. A second later she coyly asked me if it was okay if Paul gave her a neck massage as she felt stiff. She told me to get the baby-oil from the bathroom and that we would meet in the bedroom!

When I came into the bedroom Paul was undressing her as if it were nothing out of the ordinary. She slipped her top off as I entered the room and then turned around and looked at me as he unclasped her bra. She modestly held it to her breasts as she lay down on a towel that was already spread out on the bed. I handed Paul the oil and told him to 'make her feel good'. He smiled at the implication and went at it.

It obviously wasn't long before she rolled over and bared her breasts for him and he continued the baby oil massage down the front of her body! I loved how her nipples glistened as he caressed and kneaded them. I was already getting undressed by this point as it seemed a lot less intense than the prior week had been, or maybe I was just more relaxed about it.

She sat up looking quite excited and told him to get undressed while she leaned back on her elbows, topless but with her jeans still on. Paul and I stripped down to our boxers and almost at the same moment we looked at each other and it suddenly seemed easy to be with him right then. She was being open to both of us and I think that's what made it easier for me. I asked him 'give me a hand with these' as I unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans and took one side of them. He took the other side and we both pulled not just her jeans off but, to her squeals, pulled her panties off too.

I then had a twinge of angst and, yes, it hurt a little when she looked at me, smiled and then pulled him down for a passionate kiss at that moment. His hands went across her body and as they kissed I watched sitting not more than a foot or two from them; she spread her legs as his hand approached and she continued to kiss him as she let his fingers start to probe and play with her pussy.

My cock was rock hard at this point seeing them together like this, but it didn't bother me like the last time. They were passionate but it wasn't the two of them lying close together feeling all of each other. This time I watched him pleasure her first.

Things were a lot more relaxed. Not to the point where the three of us were talking nonchalantly in bed, but certainly to the point where he looked over at me as he was kneeling between her legs rubbing at her clit and fingering her pussy. He smiled at me and I smiled back and I think I even said something like 'she likes that'. Again it seemed a lot easier without him seeming to be smothering Suzanna.

It's something that I have been thinking about since Saturday. I really had no problems (well, nothing compared...) seeing him playing with her body so freely, even as he rubbed the tip of his cock up and down her swollen pussy slit! Seeing her back arching in response as he tweaked her didn't really bother me as much and I am sure he must have sensed this too because at other times he looked over at me and even after he'd started to push into her he didn't monopolize her. I would also add that Suzanna was looking at me at times with a truly beautiful look in her eyes. I held her hand and even caressed her breast as she started to get into a rhythm with him. That was when he surprised me by pulling out of her and looking at me said, "want to take a turn?"

I know it must have surprised the heck out of Suzanna (and I don't think it was what she had intended for him to do if she'd told him to be nicer to me) but I also didn't want to upset things so I grunted out a 'sure' and he moved over and I took his place.

Mind you this all happened very fast and I was not expecting it, neither was Suzanna. She was about to complain until I said, "okay, just a bit …" and then added, " … but you can go first". Now my cock was rock hard as I took my turn but I also knew that Suzanna didn't want it and as I said that, her smile returned. Thing is, for as excited as I was , I also knew she didn't want me doing much with her right then so for as intense as the moment was, I knew every well that I certainly shouldn't make her cum or anything and that I definitely shouldn't cum in her. Seeing the smile return to her face; it was as if it was something unsaid but known between us! I had to resist my urges to plunge into her and I had to resist the thoughts of Paul having been in her just a second earlier! I gave her a few thrusts and then said, "she's all yours" as I pulled out of her. Suzanna let out a deep moan as she looked down and saw me pull my now huge cock out of her. That moan was only surpassed by the one that followed Paul's fat knob cock re-filling her pussy.

I'm not going to say that it was easy. I think maybe knowing what is at stake and what we've talked about that is making it more intense as I've seen her having sex before. Once they got back into their rhythm they slowly moved closer to each other until once again, he was lying totally on top of her holding her legs back at a lewd angle leaving everything visible from the foot of the bed. Even after all this time, it still winces to see him penetrating her and to see her responding. I knew that by this point I was virtually invisible to them and again, I admit that the moment was again getting to me. I was starting to not like how I was feeling until I felt something and realized that even with her eyes closed, that Suzanna had reached out with her left hand and she'd touched mine. It was just for a second but it was all that I needed. In a flash my mood went from sombre to elated. Even though she fell back under his attentions that she'd reached out in a moment when I needed her, it really made me feel better and it really helped me!

I went into total cuckold mode at that point. Yes, they had moved to being incredibly intimate this time when Paul resumed with her, he held her tightly as he pushed into her sweetness. It didn't faze me that they were passionately kissing and from my own experience I know how erotic it is to feel her pussy responding as I kiss her, I knew that he was feeling that same. The thing was, it didn't bother me this time. I actually knelt there next to them with my hard-cock bobbing away and was loving watching them. I admit that when I moved behind them more to the foot of the bed and watched him physically fucking my wife and seeing her respond with him that it hurt a bit but at the same point, I will say loud and clear, I loved seeing it! I could have easily jerked-off at that moment watching them like that … but I didn't; I just wanted to be there and experience it.

Dare I even say that kneeling there watching them, that while it did hurt and sting to know what she was giving him and what she will soon only have with him, that at the same time I felt awesomely aroused and again strangely satisfied (even without cumming) at seeing her respond so willingly and easily. This time the comfort that was evident between them, while it made me a little uncomfortable, it also turned me on when I saw and heard Suzanna cum with him and could see her wetness appear around his cock. It turned me on to know that he had just felt her like that. I think without the emotional pressure I felt last time, this time I was really able to again enjoy the cuck-ish aspects of it. My arousal continued right through the moment I watched him take her from me. At least that's how it felt to me to hear him grunt and to then watch him as he thrust deeply into Suzanna and then watched his body tense several times and to see his buttocks clenched as he cum deep inside her.

It's going to sound weird but I actually felt a tear in my eye at that moment both at what I'd just seen and knowing he'd again cum in her pussy but also knowing that they'd both just shared the moment of intimacy that should have only been between Suzanna and me. I can't explain it other than that it really tweaked my cuck-desires incredibly! I don't know how to explain it other than to say that seeing him cum in her only gave me more arousal to want to resume using condoms with her.

I know that I found myself daydreaming as I watched them. (I should probably add that Paul isn't a bear or a very hairy type of guy, I think that would turn me off to watch). I hadn't even realized they'd come down from their high until I felt the bed move and Paul climbed off her slowly. The lights were dimmed in the bedroom and although it was dark outside already there was no hiding how she looked. Her head was turned and she was still kissing him and his hand was still on her breasts but her pussy was visible to all! It was slick looking and yes, still somewhat open but there wasn't a flood of cum running out of her. I'll even admit that it turned me on to think that he'd cum so deep in her that it hadn't yet seeped out!

I came out of my momentary daydream hearing him say something about how good it was and then her say, "baby, be quick if you want me" and of Paul looking up at me as he leaned back away from her. I realised she was talking to me and moved over and as if I didn't remember what she'd said earlier she reminded me as I leaned down to kiss her as I rubbed my cock against her pussy, whispered, "remember at the end, okay?” She didn't know it but hearing her say that made me incredibly horny, my god, it was such a turn on to hear her tell me that as we started to fuck.

Paul said something about warming her up for me but I really wasn't that focused on it and I just gave him a 'uh huh' with a little enthusiasm. I actually questioned at first whether he'd cum in her until I pushed into her a little bit and then it was obvious. Oh my god was it obvious. I pulled back and I could feel the lubrication being spread all around and she moaned loudly at it too and opened her eyes wide as she felt me pushing back into her. In my head her expression was one of loving feeling me fill her fully combined with a look saying, "don't make me cum too much".

I fought the urge to fuck her as passionately as I could; she felt heavenly and it would have been so easy to make her scream. Each time I pulled back I could feel the desire rising in me, I needed to mount her and she felt awesome. She later confirmed it felt like she was deliberately trying to keep it loose despite how I was making her feel but it didn't matter, if anything it made me even more turned on as in my head she was loose because of him, loose and now gushingly wet from him.

I thought about not cumming in her. I actually did, just for a moment, think about pulling out and either not cumming at all or stroking it off all over her stomach and in my head I even thought about saying, "it's only for Paul today" but it was a fleeting thought. It turned me on to no end and was one of many thoughts that finally set me off but I decided to stay in her and to enjoy cumming in her one more time. I didn't fuck her deep or hard, I just enjoyed the silky feeling of her pussy gently around my cock knowing that I was spreading his cum inside her and the thoughts in my head did the rest. I came in her a moment later, I tried not to plunge all the way in or be too physical but I'm sure that mid-orgasm I got in a few deep ones.

She did not cum at the end with me, whether she fought it off or just didn't feel it; I know she didn't by the look on her face when I caught my breath. I gave her a kiss but she had a look on her that said I should get off of her and then I noticed that she was holding his hand and had been as I was fucking her. A part of me was annoyed by that, but another part was aroused by it, either way, I didn't say anything. Instead I pulled out of her and I rolled off of her to the opposite side. She almost immediately pulled Paul down to kiss her and once again I felt that cuckold sting as I watched his hands start to roam all over her body and her turn towards him.

I got up to go into the bathroom and bring back a warm washcloth but by then they were both lying next to each other on the bed and she was totally facing him. I made a noise and motioned that I had a washcloth if she wanted it. She turned her head back to me and said, "thank you baby, can you just leave it" and before she turned her head back towards him she stared at me, mouthed 'love you' and then puckered as if to blow me a kiss before she again turned away from me.

As with prior weeks and as with how we'd talked about it, and obviously as she'd talked with Paul, this was now time for them to be alone. I had much less hesitation about leaving at that moment than I had in the past. Seeing her cleaving to him hurt less this time. I picked up my clothes and carried them out of our bedroom to got dressed in the hallway.

I went downstairs to give them their alone-time. Where I hated the feeling the week before, it felt much easier this time. I don't know why other than what is in my own head that I just felt, I guess, less threatened by it this time. Maybe it was not seeing him be all over her and having had the little interaction I did with her. Whatever, I sat in the living room again sipping a glass of wine while I heard quiet talking and laughing from upstairs. When that calmed down sometime later, I again crept up in the hallway.

Yes, it sounds like a repeat but it never feels that way. Even after all this time and even with all of the angst and ill feelings I've felt, I would still never trade that moment of peering into our bedroom and seeing her totally involved with him. They were talking quietly and gently touching each other. I've said before that it really makes me feel good to see them like that, to see her really wanting it and really into it with him and, yes, to see that he treats her right. In retrospect, that really is the most important to me.

I stayed to watch them start to make love; there is no other way to describe it. We all fucked earlier but this was definitely much more intimate and close between them. I tried not to focus on the emotions that were obvious but instead to think of it with the cuck-part of my brain and when I saw her wanting him, it really tweaked my pleasure centre! I watched for a little while and I felt compelled to watch for a moment more as I saw her roll onto her back and for him take her again. When I saw her responding to him I suddenly felt like a voyeur at the door and actually decided that I was not going to watch. Instead I went back downstairs and contented myself with listening from a distance.

I did hear them. I can't say that I heard Suzanna scream out with that huge passionate post-fuck orgasm, but I did hear her cry out several times along with quite a few grunts and moans from him. Their sounds reached a crescendo and then quieted down. I will say that was one of the most intense moments in a long time, knowing what I'd just heard. I sat there in the living room for a while longer and traced their movements from hearing footsteps and noises in the bathroom upstairs. I figured they were done and sure enough, maybe 10-15 minutes later Paul came down the stairs.

He saw me sitting there and I stood up and we talked for a few minutes. He told me that Suzanna was an incredible lady and once he again shook my hand and thanked me for 'sharing her' with him. I told him it was more her doing than mine but that I too enjoyed what was going on. He said he didn't quite understand it but knew that it was common and he mentioned many Penthouse stories as well as the internet. I told him that as long as he took care of Suzanna that we would be fine.

It was him who said that he wanted to respect our boundaries but that he had wanted to ask me if I was okay if he asked her out on other days 'other than Thursday'. I told him as I'd said before that it was up to Suzanna but that in general I was okay with it.

I know I could have talked with him more but at that moment it just seemed easier to shake hands with him again and to let him say the next thing, I won't lie when I said I was relieved when he said, "well, I should be going now". I responded with a 'thanks' and told him to drive safely. Needless to say, as soon as he was out the door I was upstairs in our bedroom doorway.

She was under the covers in our bed when I came back upstairs. I came in and lay down next to her and we talked for a little while before I pulled the covers off of her. She said she felt all warm and snuggly underneath and teased that she 'felt all warm inside' too. I told her that she was beautiful and that I had felt better about things. She hugged me and really said thank you to me and said that she'd had a wonderful time with Paul.

I told her that we'd talked for a minute before he left and I told her what he'd asked. She smiled when I said I'd told him okay.

She asked me if I wanted to get under the covers with her and I immediately stripped off my clothes down to my boxers and climbed under with her. She did feel warm all over and I could feel her nipples were still hard. We kissed and it felt so good to be so close to her again and feeling her against me. I ran my hands down her and she held them as I approached her pussy and she said that I could feel her a little but that she didn't want me to make her cum or anything like that. I swear I think my hands were shaking as I felt further down under the covers imagining what I couldn't see. Her pussy felt warm and swollen, her labia felt puffy. I moaned when she spread her legs and as I felt further downward she whispered that, "I'm a little messy" and then added "… it's mainly Paul's… " and then said quietly "… he cums a lot more than you do".

Even though I'd just fucked her a few hours earlier, I was hard again and she said, "you can take care of that yourself". I started under the covers but as I got closer she started to tease me and told me how good Paul had felt and that she'd told him she loved having sex with him. She was tired though and most of my arousal was in my head. I was hard but needed a little more to get off when she said she wanted to see me and she pushed the blankets off uncovering me and her! "You can look baby...." and when I looked over at her and saw her ravaged body almost still glowing hot, I just let go.

What she'd teased me about was even truer for my second load. I was a bit proud of the first one and how messy it looked like I'd left her but this time, it was barely two maybe 3 weak spurts. She watched and then looked at me and said, "Paul cums a lot more than you his second time". She rolled towards me and gathered up my cum and shared it with me.

Thing was last night she was up for some fun but after cumming twice on Saturday night, I was pretty spent last night still. I'm hoping tonight she'll still be in the mood.


Last night Suzanna said she was going to go and reply back to some of her email pals. When she returned to our bedroom, sat next to me and said, "can we talk a little?” Well, a little became a lot and we talked for much longer than the 'little' she'd started with. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of 'what-ifs' and 'how-would-you-feels'. I think she's been getting some 'advice'.

She was honest, brutally honest at some points. I was reluctant at the start but by the end of the conversation, we were both talking very openly and very freely. Since we weren't going to be having sex or messing around it was easier to just talk instead of how Wednesdays start that way but end up very sexual.

One thing she emphasized is that she doesn't feel like she's falling in love with Paul. I asked her if she thought that was going to prevent or limit what she'd wanted to experience. She actually said, "quite the opposite" and told me that she's very comforted by her own control and lack of feelings in that area. She also added that she feels they are very sexually compatible. Despite that feeling, she also confirmed, a bit reluctantly, that she still hadn't reached that intense orgasm with him that she shares with me (and had with Robert). We talked a bit about her identifying that to be so significant and she said that she is confident that she and Paul will find their own way to achieve it. She said she's been very close (indeed she felt the first twinges of it with him this past weekend) and said that for her, feeling that with him, just like with me and with Robert, is the pinnacle of her pleasure. She says it seems to mark the point at which she feels this deep sense of satisfaction with him and she told me very clearly that she wants to feel it with him as she says that's when she feels both her peak pleasure but also the sense that she is giving herself fully to him and that when she can't control the orgasm that he (or I) will give her, that it's as if it marks a certain point in her feelings with him.

It made my head spin just like when she continued and asked me if it makes me feel inadequate, inferior or not a man to see her let herself go with Paul. I told her that it did give me some awkward feelings knowing what was going on, etc. She looked at me and said something like, "you'll always be a man to me" and to tell me that I was the one who made our children with her and that I was the one who'd built our lives together; that she'd always consider me a man because of all of that. She held me and told me that, "just because you may not make me cum in the future doesn't mean I think any less of you or think you aren't a man".


I'm not sure if I am supposed to take comfort from that remark. Time for a new book.