Journal of a Journey - Book 78

She's home and believe it or not she's in our bedroom on the phone with him. She said she'd been emailing with him today and that she wanted to let him know she'd be available tomorrow night. I have not seen her this worked up in a long time. I can't hear what she's saying to him but I can surely imagine and expect to hopefully hear her tell me later tonight.

I know to where it's all leading but seeing her bouncing around the house like a happy teenager is just amazing, the energy she seems to have and give off. I know it's just the whole situation of it all for her, but at times in my head I've thought whether she's this way since Saturday night and again, I'm acutely aware that she slept the whole night next to me with his cum in her.


She is going out with him tonight. I know she's gone out with him many times before on Thursdays but it does feel different this time after seeing them together, I know what she'll be doing and how she will be.

I had said many times that I wondered if it was easier when she was seeing Robert as I had never seen them together and I have to say that I am still thinking about that. Ever since seeing them together it's been in my mind just how connected and intimate she was with him. She even said it again last night that she feels very comfortable with Paul; that and other things are in my mind now. Even though she's told me this is very much how she was with Robert, it's not how she was when I last saw her with Frank. Back then, yes, I saw her many times but she never seemed to convey as much emotional and seeming instinctive closeness as I am seeing with Paul. It's not changing my mind about anything, indeed, in some ways it makes it more intense to know just how much she gives to him but now knowing she was this way with Robert has given me a lot of new things to deal with.

I should have known or realized this, after all she couldn't have wanted to have this 'big affair' without this and perhaps even more closeness and intimacy but somehow after seeing it again it's given me a bit more angst.

Of course I should say that I am incredibly turned on by all of this and I very much want things to progress along the lines as they seem to be doing. One of the discussions was whether Paul could come by 'most' weekends like we've done as a second time for them to be together. (Yes, she used the word 'most'" as the correct word to describe it.) So I have this split feeling, the angst at knowing, seeing and even being a part of what I witnessed last weekend between them - vs - the incredible arousal I have at this going on.

Let's be in no doubt, last night I told her and confirmed with her that I did still want to let things happen as they are when she asked me if I was still comfortable with things. That led to me telling her about my thoughts and new feelings. I have to say that it was a crazy intense feeling to hear her tell me (again) that this is how she was with Robert. She teased me and taunted me a bit by telling me more of the later times she was with him and that she felt every bit as intimate with him as she did with me. She was very particular to remind me that he was the only one making her cum like she does with me. For as much as it stung, it was equally arousing! My god did my cock throb as she said those things.

I told her how it made me feel, anxious and, yes, aroused. She came closer to me and again told me how it's, "just a thing" and that it's not something that I should worry about and that she's not leaving me, ever.

It did make me feel better to know that even after she'd been this way with Robert, that we have merged back together as we have for the past year now. She didn't specifically remind me of that but, rather, it seemed to be something that ran as a background theme through our conversations. We would be talking about something then she would coo in my ear about whether it still turned me on to see her with Paul. When I answered with a hoarse 'yes' she got really sexy and slithered up next to me and asked me how I'm going to be when she wants to start denying me with Paul.

Yes, she used the word 'denying' and before I could say anything she said in a matter-of-fact voice, "it IS going to happen …." and added "… I can feel it already". Whether she could for real or whether she said it for my arousal, it didn't matter, it had the desired effect! I didn't hide it from her, I moaned in response as she said it. I did feel safe, despite feeling apprehensive; it was like all our Wednesdays, a time when I don't feel I need to hide anything.

She told me after feeling him cum in her that if I was okay with it that she 'knew' she was going to want to deny me again. She looked at me and said that now that she has another lover, it is something that turns her on to think about. That was something she repeated later as I spewed my cum all over my chest and stomach. She told me more, that feeling him in her and especially feeling the wetness from him later on, that it had started her thinking about how she felt those last few months with Robert.

I had to admit that the though turned me on too (it was obvious). I was quite horny and she even giggled and said that maybe I was so horny because of what I'd seen of them being together in our bed.

Without much thought I grunted back a 'yes' and she giggled again of how great it was that the same thing that so turned her on - "finally feeling him in me" - was the same thing that turned me on but it was when she started to tell me more about how she felt, about how finally having him cum in her and how it seemed to have made her feel closer and more in-touch with him that really got to me. She paused in her teasing and taunting, and for a moment after she said that took on an incredibly caring tone and leaned in and said quietly, "are you okay with this baby?" which gave me no question to me about how she felt. In a way, it was as significant to her as it was to me for the first time she'd received his cum. I told her honestly that it scared me but that it also turned me on like nothing else ever.

She kissed me and told me she loved me and always would. I told her that I depended on that and we had a moment again when she dropped the cuck-tone and she held me close. She still had her night-shirt on but I could feel the warmth from her. She turned my head towards her and looked at me in the eye and said, "I will always love you" and then she kissed me.

A moment later though it was 'back to business' and she returned to her cuck teasing of me and continued on her earlier course. I sensed that she wanted me to cum soon from how pointed her comments were, especially when she asked me, "what do you think of how he's shaped?" It brought a groan from me that made her giggle and she said, "it took me a little while to get used to it… " and then she said, "… but the second time baby, mmm, I could really feel it". Then she said something about how he felt ".... inside" and that was it, I exploded.

While I'd hoped to have lasted longer, just the way she spoke, it was incredible. She was surprised too at first but then later cooed to me tha,t "must have really turned you on..." as she reached down and stroked the last little bit out of me.

As she played with my cum she told me about how she knew that she was going to want to deny me in the future, that again the teasing and comments started about her being turned on by seeing me cum and that it wasn't going in her. She traced her fingers through the sticky wetness and told me how crazy sexy she feels when she thinks about only her lover having sex with her. Yes, she said that, she didn't say 'only him cumming in her' but I didn't ask, it was the sentiment and not the physical act she was talking about. I had caught my breath by then and I told her that I found it exciting too. She pulled me close with her other arm and kissed me and as we ended our kiss, we shared a fingerful of my cum before I licked her fingers clean. She giggled and said, "you like that" and proceeded to bring up another 2 fingers-full which I licked off her and she then leaned in and kissed and we snowballed a bit. She always moans deeply when she first shares the taste with me.

The fun part of our evening ended with the both of us lying there side-by-side talking. I was totally relaxed and she was animated and excited. She admitted that she'd held off her own horniness because she was seeing him tonight (Thursday) and she talked to me more normally asking if I was okay with her seeing him. I told her that I loved that she wanted to see him and that I was okay with it.

We talked briefly about him coming to our place. I told her that I wasn't ready to commit to every Saturday but said that I didn't see why we couldn't work something out. Of course it was easy to say that having just cum and shared a very intimate moment with her. I'd long said that I would like to experience it where her boyfriend might come over from time to time to be with her. I'm not sure I was thinking it was going to be so sudden and start so soon but also hard to change how things seem to just happen on their own.


It's 4pm and she just texted me that she called Paul and that she's going to leave work a little early so that she can have time with him and still come home at a 'reasonable hour'. Even though I let go with a huge load last night I'm horny as a goat again and am sitting here with a huge hard-on that I will surely have to relieve before she gets home. She won't care as I'm sure she will prefer for me to leave her alone tonight while she enjoys her post-sex time.

I find that when I am home alone waiting for her return is when my mind wanders the most.

Why does it turn me on so to know she's out getting fucked at her boyfriends? I mean, I know she's not going to want to do anything with me sexually but hopefully she'll share some of her evening and maybe I'll get some relief that way but, even if she doesn't, the arousal I feel right now knowing what is likely happening has me turned on like crazy.

Finally heard from her (she called, not text) and told me she was getting in the car (heard it start up) and also told me, "wait up for me". She sounded playful so maybe it's good that I held my arousal at bay...


I thought we might have some fun and such when she came home on Thursday night, but instead we had a bit of a discussion that extended into last night.

I guess the concerns and such that I write up didn't go unnoticed by her here at home. I thought I'd hidden my thoughts a bit more from her but she picked up on them and she told me it was one of the reasons she wanted to see him on Thursday night; that she wanted to talk to him more about this and other stuff. I wanted to know more about what she talked with him about but she first pointedly asked me, "are you sure do you still want this to happen?"

She told me very matter-of-factly that she had just spent the past 4 hours, "making love with my boyfriend", just like that. She again asked me if I was okay with that.

Well, I opened up with her and we were actually up quite late on Thursday night talking about all of this. I didn't quite say everything to her that I write in my journals but she surely picked up on my ambivalence after they'd been here last weekend and how I seemed a bit withdrawn and hesitant since then.

I was honest and told her what I've written here, that it's been a long time since I'd last seen or been with her and another man and that she seemed a lot more intimate with Paul than I remembered her being. She didn't say much until I said that the last time I saw her that it was much more like fuck-buddies fucking and I told her that I was having a hard time getting my head around what she'd said that she wasn't fucking but that she was 'making love' with her boyfriend.

She asked me again if this was what I wanted and she told me that it's something she recognized was happening. She looked at me and said that she feels it's happening because they click so well and she again told me that, "it was this way with Robert." I think it was then that she realized the significance of me never seeing her with Robert left a huge gap. She asked me in a questioning kind of way about, "whatever did you think was happening with me and Robert?" and that, "you knew what was going on." I realized that she probably had told me all of this but it just never registered that she had been this way with Robert.

I don't want to and probably can't recall the exact conversations but at one point she asked me if I still wanted to be a cuckold and asked me again if I still wanted to assume, using my words, 'the beta role' with her. When I said yes was when she looked at me and said something very close to, "then you'll just have to understand that I will always be making-love with the man who is the alpha for me".

I think all the blood must have drained out of my face because of just how she put it. She held my hand and told me that it's okay and that she actually feels she'll be ready for this if it's still what I want. She said that while she still hasn't found that intense climax with Paul just yet she admitted that it's just a matter of time and that she can feel herself be very close at times with him.

Maybe she's been reading what I've been writing (the journals are on the top shelf in the den) because she actually confirmed a lot of what was in my head but she also took the time to tell me many times that, "it's just sex baby" and that, "I just want to really enjoy him" but each time she added that, "I want it to be good for you."

She asked me again if I liked watching her and how it made me feel and if it made me feel the way I wanted. I told her it did and that she knew it had made me really want her. She giggled and said to me, "so are you really turned on now despite all of this knowing where I've been earlier?"

I nodded and we talked quite openly about how she'd felt with him earlier. She told me how she loves 'making love' with him and she told me that I will have to get used to that. I guess that when she asked me if I was still okay with her having this whole 'big affair' thing. (my words).

I asked her if Paul was 'the guy' and she said that she still wasn't sure but that she was very comfortable with him and that he respected us enough that she felt it was possible. She also admitted that she was starting to develop some feelings for him and asked me if that turned me on to hear . I answered her 'yes' and again told her that it was something that also made me anxious to think about.

So, no, we didn't mess around at all on Thursday night. Other than talking about her having been with him and seeing her briefly naked as she put on her night-shirt, Thursday night wasn't about sex for me even though I was horny and my cock was visibly hard at times. I wondered about last night but realized that as we settled onto the couch after dinner all she wanted was to talk more.

She asked me yet again if I was okay with all of this and when I said yes she said again that, "it's going to happen then". I think I already knew that! She told me that since last weekend, that right after he came in her the first time, she felt her desire click up a notch. I'm paraphrasing here but she told me that she felt really close with him before but now since he'd started to cum in her that she feels it's made a huge difference in how she feels about him. She told me that finally truly 'feeling him' had been something she felt had pushed her desires up a bit.

I knew where she was going just by how she was talking a bit evasively until she felt comfortable in herself telling me what she was really thinking. I told her that I knew that would be a big moment for her and him and told her again that it was beautiful even if it was a bit difficult for me. She held my hand after I told her that because I guess she finally realized that I was okay with some of this feeling awkward when I told her how turned on and strangely satisfied I felt seeing her let herself go like that with him.

She looked at me and then said something like, "then it will be okay, right?" I egged her on and she said that she can already feel that she is going to want it to be 'just Paul' and that she might want it sooner than she or I might have thought. We were quiet for a moment and then her tone changed and she spoke in a serious tone when she asked me, "So, when did you think I was going to want that to start?"

No, I did not tell her that in my head I'd been playing the 'one less time' mind-game on myself but I did tell her that I thought that it would be another month or two before she might come to me and say she's ready. She held my hand tighter and said that is how she was thinking too, that it would be something that would build slowly, it would be a gradual kind of desire.

In a way I wasn't surprised when she looked at me and said that she feels it more strongly than she thought she would and that almost from the first time she felt it last Saturday, that it's something she's begun to think about more and more. She looked at me and said that each time they have sex that she has thoughts about not wanting to share it with me. I told her that I could respect that and that I understood it too. I told her that was why I didn't expect to have been with her last Saturday and I joked, "last night too".

We went back and forth a bit with her telling me a bit more about her own desires and how she was a bit surprised about how her feelings are developing. I laughed and actually felt good for a moment because I recognized her honesty and I asked her if this isn't what she'd wanted; to have this sort of thing happen without her having to force it? I reminded her of how she felt when she realized her feelings were developing when he was away last month. She smiled broadly when I guess she realized that I’d maybe thought a lot more about this than she thought I did.

She held me closer and once again asked me if I was really going to be okay with it saying, "you know, having it happen". Before I could answer she said that she felt bad sometimes thinking like that, knowing that at some point she's going to want to deny me (I moaned inside when she said it) and she said she still had some qualms about wanting 'to inflict' this with the man she loves (me). I held her and told her that I wanted her to let it happen and that maybe my melancholy response was me just being a bit overboard and for her to believe me that, yes, I wanted it to happen.

In the next 15 minutes she had some of the most revealing conversation with me. She asked me again if I was really okay with it happening. (I really don't know what I have to say to convince her; she keeps repeating the same question!) Finally I had to ask her, "just what are you thinking". Without recanting the entire conversation she told me straight out that she was going to want me to start using condoms with her sooner than she/we had been thinking.

I asked her when and she half-laughing and half-sombre said, "in a way I wish it was now" but then said that she was sure that maybe I'd want a few more weeks at least to get used to the idea. I gulped and told her that was a bit of a shock to hear and that, no, I wasn't ready yet …. unless she felt really strongly about it.

She hugged me and said, "no baby, I do want to feel you more" and admitted that she would suppress her desires a bit longer. Before I could really reply she added though that she knows now that if this goes on for longer, that at some time, and she hesitated to say it but finally did come out and say, "… if it happens", that she is going to want to feel how it is to be totally exclusive with Paul. She looked at me and said she'd talk to me when she started to feel that she "the time was right" and then added with emphasis, that "it is something I want".

I held her and told her that when she was ready for that, that we should talk about it. She held my hands and said in a very quiet tone, "it is something I've already thought about".

I told her, "I know".

She continued to open up with me and I already knew to expect the next when she said, "you know, I'm also.... going to want to spend the night with him … sometime soon". When I told her that I expected that too she added, "I even thought about whether I could stay over with him during the week … " adding, " … he's doesn't live far from my office".

I groaned back about that and told her that was a big step and that we would have to talk about that. I thought to deflect that line of enquiry and turned to her and said, "Hey, don't forget about him maybe coming skiing with us?"

That got her attention, she cooed in my ear, "would you really be okay with that?" and when I nodded yes she giggled and said, "you know how I get when I ski". After a pause she turned to me and said, "Really, would you really be okay with that; he and I making love after skiing?"

I held her tightly and said as long as I still feel love between us that by then - still 3-4 months away - that, "I expected no less!”


I know I started out on Thursday night feeling hesitant and anxious, but by that same time late last night, I felt quite different and much more comfortable. I don't know why particularly other than our entire conversation pushed my openness with her a bit further down the road; the more that I think I finally heard her open up and admit her own desires to me instead of making me guess about it all. Taking all of the little comments and such and stitching them all together made me feel quite comfortable, if you will.


Now it is Saturday and, yes, he is coming over tonight again (despite the rain, etc!). She asked me very honestly last night if he could come here again that this time she would like me to be with-them and, "not just watch".

I asked her what Paul thinks about all of this and she says he is still a little confused but that he is also amused that I like what she is doing with him. She told him again that I get turned on when she will playfully deny me and she told him on Thursday that we likely won't have sex until the weekend. She said that made him interested and curious that I actually was okay and wanted to wait.

She said they talked about last weekend and that he'd felt a little weird when he realized that it was just going to be her and him and not me but as she explained how it turned me on and she told him that I liked 'seconds', that he seemed to have accepted it. He's dated other married women and he said that he'd thought that some of them may have had a relationship like ours but that he never pushed or asked or found out. He actually told her that he is somewhat more curious about everything and a bit more interested in her because of our relationship and how I am; so that also made me feel good about things.


Apparently we're coming up with a bit of a schedule of sorts. Wednesday night is and will remain my masturbation night.

Thursdays it seems will be her date-night with Paul. That night worked well for us all along and, yes, alleviating my desires on Wednesday also makes it a bit less of an imposition.

Friday is open although she's said she may want to go out for drinks again in the future.

Saturday daytime appears to be manicure day for her and now, at least tonight, is when Paul is coming over again. I'm not sure this is sustainable but for the short term before the holiday season starts, I suppose it will work.

I'm sure again I've missed writing down a lot of details and nuances of our conversation but I can also say that we've moved ahead quite a bit with things. I know what I'm feeling will pass now knowing how she feels and more importantly, what she wants for us. It feels weird to know what is coming and what she wants and to now truly be waiting for the desires to surface and congeal but I loved what she said about us, that she recognizes the boundary and recognizes our relationship.

I know I've felt this way before too. Seeing it happening and feeling torn between apprehensions and wanting to let it play out and let her fulfil her desires.


We’ve had a bit of a rough spot.

I accept that it's me but after last night I'm not sure if it wasn't better when she was with Robert and I didn't see them together. To be honest, I had a bit of difficulty on Saturday night watching them make love next to me. It led to a bit of a spat when Paul was out of the room and Suzanna actually looked at me and with a somewhat nasty tone in her voice told me that I needed to make up my mind and that if I wanted her to be with Paul then this is how it is and she reminded me that this is how she'd been for so long with Robert. That's what made me start to wonder if maybe it was better if I wasn't there.

Don't get me wrong, it's not even the sex part of it as I truly do think I'm long past getting upset about her fucking other guys so I'm thinking it's what I guess I was so focused on the last time, how intimate she is with him.

I mean I knew it wasn't just fucking like it had largely been with Frank, she had told me there was no intimacy involved and I should have known that what I saw on Saturday was how she was with Robert but seeing it and being next to her as she loses herself with him, I'm just not sure I can really be there all the time for it.

I knew she'd want him first just for herself as well as the comments that had been made about me and 'seconds'. I was actually okay as they got undressed together and I followed suit a bit away from them but then I was immediately hit by this huge wave of, I guess, insecurity. Seeing her give herself so easily to him and seeing how easily she accepted his advances, just like when we are together, I don't know but I guess I never really got used to this part of things. They kissed, he sucked at her breasts and she seemed so so comfortable as she just reached for his cock and it was like they're rehearsed that he would lay next to her on the bed.

While it was something I hadn't expected to feel, it didn't mean I wasn't aroused. Even as a part of me winced in, I guess in some kind of agony, another part of me was hugely turned on when it seemed like nothing for him to just pull her pussy apart and reveal the tender pink insides and a second later seeing his wet finger slip inside her. Seeing her pussy throb like that, knowing how turned on she was hugely turned me on but at the same time I felt such a chill seeing him so comfortable with her as to just penetrate her like that and to feel around inside her. I actually looked away from her pussy and up to her face as she let out a moan as I imagined his fingers had found her g-spot (not too hard to find in reality!).

I am not going to recap things as I felt more like a spectator at times yesterday, more so than even the prior week. Despite her holding my hand, I know I felt her grip relax each time she felt him bring her to orgasm. In some ways it was easier to look at him penetrating her as they were fucking as it was so much more physical and not nearly as emotionally intimate. The sounds and smells of their pleasure filled the room and again neither of them held back. As they rooted away next to me I still didn't know what was going to happen other than he was going to cum soon from how they seemed. My revulsion turned to arousal as I watched her give way to just animal instincts and when he did finally cum in her, I will say that I definitely felt a distinct wave of pleasure myself as I felt her tense at first and then relax as he enjoyed cumming in her.

He lay forward on top of her afterwards and I didn't see a thing more between them until a moment later he pushed up from her and laughed, looked over at me and said, "geez, sorry, we got a little carried away".

He didn't say anything more to me but he did look down at her and he did smile as he slowly pulled back and out of her. Thing is I am sure that she must have told him that I liked to see her right then because before he pulled out of her completely he shifted back onto his knees and moved as far back so that I had a better view. Was this a coincidence or had she told him to do that? (I know I should cringe at that moment but I never seem to). He pulled back slowly and I saw her inner pussy lips stretch more and more until he slithered out of her; just a little dribble of wetness followed even as her pussy stayed open for a moment.

I expected to lean in then and maybe lie next to her on the other side and to start playing with her and that's when I again felt the same jealousness as, instead, she leaned towards him and pulled him in for a kiss and a hug. (Later she sort of yelled at me asking me what did I expect her to do at that moment, that she just wanted to feel a bit more of him after making love with him and that she didn't feel right switching to me right away)D. I should have probably been a bit better at that moment but instead as she pulled him close and kissed him I sort of sulked for a moment.

Despite her annoyance with me at the time, sure enough a few minutes later she pulled away from him and out loud asked me if I wanted my turn! I thought about going down on her as I could see quite a bit of cum was starting to drip out of her but I was also very self-conscious with Paul lying right there up on his elbow right next to her. She turned to him and said, "you're okay, right?" and he joked for a second and said, "you're his wife!" which made me laugh too.

I hadn't ever lost my hard-on even with all of my emotional issues at the time and although the invitation seemed a little weird I was okay with it as I moved between her legs and I started to rub my cock at her now wet pussy. We'd switched places and now Paul just held her right hand and occasionally brushed her hair out of her face but he let me have my turn with Suzanna. I was always aware that he was there but as we got into it and she relaxed and I could feel what he'd done to her and, yes, I could start to feel his cum lubricating me. Man, oh man, did it turn me on.

He saw it and he even commented something about "... enjoying it..." and "... like you said...." but it didn't matter to me. I'd waited days and now she felt so incredible. I didn't need her or him to say anything, feeling the slackness in her pussy and, in my head, what I thought was her feeling very open deep inside (where I pictured the big head of his cock as he came in her) was all I needed to be on the edge. Rising above her on my elbows and seeing the frothiness around my cock was all I needed and on the next thrust into her I pushed deep and hard and let go. I felt her body responding as I pushed her knees back and apart and as I came deep in her I felt her unable to resist letting go into that post-fuck orgasm that she'd been wanting so much with Paul.

I admit for a second I even felt some sort of victory that he hadn't done that for her, at least not yet, and that I had. That did make me feel good until she told me later on last night that she would rather I didn't do that with her if he's with us. I didn't know what she meant until she said that she didn't like letting him see that I could do that to her while hasn't been able to.

I was quiet when she said that and it's stuck with me even into today, that she actually asked me to not ride her like that if he can't do the same for her yet!

I guess maybe there's still a part of me that's got some reluctance now that things are happening right in front of me but I will also say that I felt a little weird climbing off of her after him having seen that again as I felt like I was sort of saying 'okay, she's yours again'. I stayed on top of her for a moment longer before getting off. I'm not even sure what I said or really all that I was feeling other than I knew that I should give them some alone time again.

After cumming in her and holding myself off of her as she enjoyed her bliss, I collapsed down onto my elbows and then onto her. She always feels warm all over and I love to feel her breathing still calming down and to almost be able to feel her heartbeat. She held me tightly and as she regained her composure and I could feel her relax, she did give me a kiss and tell me that she loved me.

I felt somewhat self-conscious having 'performed' in front of Paul the way I did and again, I'd been so horny that I hadn't really taken my time and savoured the moment. I can't say that I was feeling any desire to reclaim her and I don't know that was even fucking her that hard or anything. I didn't need it as the wicked thoughts in my head about how she felt and what I'd just seen I didn't need all that much time. Thing is, we were in a good rhythm and I admit that it was Paul who got her started up so when she felt me getting ready to cum I can only guess that it didn't take her long to get there herself.

After letting go and rolling off of her it felt suddenly strange to see him still lying there next to her like he was. As I already said, I had wanted my turn with her to be something more than wham-bam, but seeing him there when I was done, all I can remember is the feeling of pulling out of her. I know she lay there for a second looking quite brazen letting both of us see the damage I'd invoked on her but I guess it what she did next that again got to me. Instead of lying there like that, she pulled her legs together and leaned up on one elbow towards him and as I watched she pushed his hair back and then gently touched his face and said something to him.

I know we shared our moment after sex where I felt all of her but again, as she turned to him and began to touch him gently, as I said, that was when I just felt I should give her a bit of alone time. Don't get me wrong, I was turned on but despite all of the angst and agitation that it wrought on me, I have to say that seeing her turn to him and his hand touch hers, it was kind of beautiful. I mean it had all happened so fast that I am sure now that she still felt warm all over but I suddenly felt like a third-wheel and again I had this sinking feeling as I saw her just fall back into his arms.

This time I didn't watch them afterwards. I thought about it but, to be honest, I wanted to see her come down the stairs to the kitchen and to know where she's just come from. So, again, I am having this same problem as I've had most every time and having the same stupid thoughts. I guess it's just the next level up in it all and now a lot more is out in the open.


I feel weird; I mean I definitely want her to continue with Paul. I even told her that before bed tonight. I told her that it's my problem and I'll have to get used to it. I know she's right, she again reminded me, "this is how I was with Robert for months, did it matter at all?"

I know she's right but I also know I just totally didn't let my mind go in that direction. Again I have an issue with intimacy for her, but I know the problem is with me and that it will come to pass.

I was nice to Paul when he came down the stairs alone dressed. He came up to me where I sat in the living room and he held out his hand and said, "we good?” I held mine out and he pulled me up and I pulled him in and I told him, "yeah, we're good"

He said something about 'really liking Suzanna' and I told him that as long as he makes her happy that he makes me happy or something along those lines. He said thanks and then complained about the cold rainy weather and really, before we could talk much more, he left.

I suppose that maybe because we'd again had some wine that it may have enhanced some of my negative feelings but much of that negativity was shed though when she came into the room a few moments later with just her robe on. It was loosely tied and I could see her cleavage as well as a lot of thigh as she walked. She stood in front of me and untied the robe and as I looked at her she said quietly something like, "I'm not going to hide it".

I was spent but even so she looked radiant and it did get a bit of a throbbing going! I stood up and kissed her and I suddenly realized she wasn't in a sexy mood; she was in an annoyed mood.


So, that has been how we've been today. At one point when she got annoyed with me she yelled at me to, "like it or lump it" so I know this is bothering her. I admitted to her that I am having a bit torment at times and she is aware of that. Despite having the thought that it would be so much easier, I did not suggest to her that I not be there; I want to be there. I mean it did turn me on once I got past the angst-filled moments and I kept myself from thinking too much in the wrong direction. It did turn me on to see the physical side of their sex, I just need to get used to what apparently developed over the time with Robert. I feel stupid thinking about not realizing it.

She took great care to say that, "Remember, this is what you wanted. Come on, let's go to bed."

As we lay in bed earlier tonight before I got up and let her sleep, she turned to me and said in this calm coaxing kind of voice that reminded me that I had said this is what wanted, to be the beta for her. She held my hand and said calmly that I need to be sure that's what I want.

I pushed for this, even provided fodder for fantasies to develop more rapidly, and I know I have no reason to be mad at her in any way. I'm not, that's part of why I feel weird, I'm more mad at myself more than anything.


I need to calm down.