Journal of a Journey - Book 66

We had our usual Wednesday night fun last night but this time Suzanna did a little more of the talking than what is usual. She again wanted me to tell her what I was thinking deep down and share with her. But then she said something that made sense but also scares me a little. She said she wanted me to talk to her about what I'd shared and that she felt that the more I talk about it with her, the more I'll get used to it and the more relaxed we can both be about it. That got me thinking but it was what she said later about wanting to have this stuff out in the open when she does find her next boyfriend. She said that it's now very easy for us to talk openly both in and out of bed about her having sex and doing stuff with other guys and that she'd like to feel the same about the rest of all of this.

It made sense to me at the time but, now, I'm suspecting that she's 'conditioning' me.

Like last Saturday where she asked me to tell her more about how I feel about things and then she turned the conversation around to how she feels. She wanted me to understand how she feels when her lover will be the one who makes her cum; she told me how she feels when his cock fills her pussy and she can feel him connected with her, like they are one. She said again how this is also when she's become much more aware of how it feels physically; that she loved being able to feel her lover's cock throbbing deep in her vagina (she used the proper term again too). She again told me how it feels when her lover will share her orgasm with her and how they're 'one' at that moment and how she is 'his'.

She asked me how it felt to know what I was going to be giving up and, my god, did it turn me on. I know we were talking 'in the moment' but it very intense.

It was when she asked me again what I was thinking about that and whether it turned me on that I guess I again revealed my truest thoughts. Again as she encouraged me to 'tell me anything' that I started to tell her how horny she'd gotten me and I again came violently when it got to her asking me if I liked thinking of her pussy being filled with his cum when they orgasmed together.

It's hard to hide my truest feelings, indeed it's a little embarrassing to know how clearly it tells Suzanna what I'm thinking but what I am trying to convey is that it's become really easy for us to talk about sex and her being with other guys at most any time. It's become something we're both more comfortable talking about outside the bedroom whether we're driving in the car or watching TV or whatever, it's just become so easy for us to talk about it.

I am feeling she wants to be as comfortable talking about this new, more explicit, denial stuff in the same way. I also think she is trying to get me to move on beyond my still apparent apprehension at talking about it more freely when we are in bed as I guess I still need that reassurance from her that it's okay with her for me to want this sort of stuff.


She hasn’t admitted whether she has kept photographic mementoes of her lovers, especially Robert, the biggest and the best. His appearance was always a mystery to me and provided an extra kick but now that their affair is over, would I perhaps like a belated glimpse of his face?

I did ask Suzanna about pictures and she's assured me that despite some earlier teasing back with Peter and at other times, that there have only been a very few pictures of her with a lover and that would mean that I've shared all that there are, or at least all that she'll own up to.


She has owned up that she is conversing, pretty regularly, in a chatroom with another guy. All she's said is that he seems very kind, very considerate and very knowledgeable. She says that he is a bull by nature but that he has only been a sounding board for her and, just as I have here in my Journals, feels she has a place she can share her own thoughts.

She's told me that he understands of what we're doing as she's told him everything.

I know from her past experiences with pen-pals that these exchanges can satisfy her for a while. I recall before she went off to Boston on that business trip and was with another guy for the first time, that she'd already 'gone there' virtually with a pen-pal in that she'd sent her own pictures to him and had talked in details about many things. I am convinced that experience gave her more of the courage she had when she went to bed with that guy Bill when she was away for that first time. So, if this latest pen-pal helps her to sort out her own feelings, then I'm certainly going to encourage it and not stand in her way.


She said again how she wants us (more me) to be able to talk more openly about what the future may bring. It's weird to think that we're both in sync on what we'd like to have happen and she is right, the more we talk about it, the less apprehensive and anxious I feel about everything.

Just yesterday she pushed us further on that when we were in food-shopping yesterday. We met up in the drugstore aisle and as we looked at some stuff she noticed the section of condoms on the shelves and she pulled my attention to them. I went beet-red at first but realized that she was being careful with there being no one else in the aisle with us. She asked me which ones I liked best and if there were others I wanted to try.

It took me a second for it to register but instead of making me anxious once I knew we were alone I heard that she had this sexy tone to her voice and I found the courage to tell her that maybe the ribbed ones would let her feel me more.

It felt good when she said, "okay, let’s remember that for when we're ready to start using them". Just like that, no big deal or anything other than it seeming like a normal conversation. What she didn't see was my response, my god, did my cock get hard. I don't think she noticed because I then started to push the cart so it was against my waist!


Later last night she started to tease me again when she told me more about her pen-pal and how horny he'd get her with what he'd tell her. She told me that he was also encouraging her to go with her wishes and let herself feel the things she's wanted. She looked at me and said that he'd actually made a point, that she loves me and that what she wants is more lust and excitement than anything. She also said lots of reassuring stuff that I shouldn't worry and that I should relax and enjoy things.

She started to talk to me about thinking about how I feel in her and she started to emphasize that I should start to think about her new lover feeling the same. As we rolled around on the bed she teased me about, "... wondering how those ribbed condoms will feel" and then teased me about enjoying feeling her bare while I still can. That wasn't how she said it but was what she was implying. Especially towards the end when we'd both built up to an impending explosion and she said something about only her lover feeling her like that.

It was a whirlwind of thoughts in my head as I knew I could feel her so intensely at that point. I could feel her pulling her knees back even more than where my arms were holding them in, I could feel her pussy sucking at my cock and I was intensely aware of just how wet, slick and open she felt as if it were an entrance to her soul in a way. When she moaned about only her lover feeling that moment with her, I can't fully explain how I felt but as I came and felt her respond to feeling my cum filling her body with her body arching back and her head thrashing back and forth, I once again became intimately aware of what she would only feel with her lover in the future.

She was moaning away and there was no hiding that she'd managed to reach that peak orgasm with me, at home, in our own bed. It's only now that I'm realizing she's been able to let go of herself so much more easily these past few months than in the past where that type of intense orgasm would have needed a bottle of wine or more and a hotel room.

I lay against her and all we could hear was each others' breathing and the only motion was our bodies calming down together. I rolled off of her and I'll say that I think I was even more aware of the feeling of pulling my wet softening cock out of her and feeling the heat of her pussy as I pulled free. I wasn't sure what to say other than 'wow' as she held my hand. I would have said more had she seemed like she wanted but at that moment, I think she was like me, happy to lie there and enjoy the moment.


Weird to say that I want her to find her next boyfriend and feel what it's like to move ahead when the time is ready. It feels sort of blissful in a way to know that she wants to fulfil her own desires in a way that will satisfy my own at the same time.

Perhaps she's right, talking about it more openly is easing my apprehension. It's something I haven't really felt before, that she will fulfil my desires when she is ready and that in some ways, we are both waiting for the same things. I can say that it is truly amplifying the intensity of our time right now. Between what we've been talking about and now, her increasing desire to make me very aware of what she and I are feeling, it's just amazing to feel happening.

I know people at work have commented on how 'up' I seem to be lately. I know it's partly that we're enjoying some pretty awesome sex together, but it's also most definitely that I just feel more at ease with everything and it's something I feel from Suzanna too, as if some unknown weight has been lifted off her shoulders that she may have not even known was there. I can't say it for sure but she seems very responsive when we're together lately. The lightest touch on her clit or the gentlest spreading of her pussy lips or the feathery lick of her nipples and she will start moaning. It's really quite arousing knowing that she is becoming so much more at ease with herself too.

I wouldn't change a thing right now. It's weird, I'm feeling a contentment knowing my wives is being fulfilled by other men. I never felt that weight directly but I suppose that it's been there for 30+ years in that I've felt that I had to satisfy her and maybe there's a truth to be said that maybe it's just that we both need a break from that. In any way, I can't deny that I feel an odd almost eerie sense of tranquillity when I think about the future and seeing Suzanna let herself go, yes, knowing what it will bring some day.

Now, to push her to start to expand her horizons and find a place other than work to meet her next paramour....

*******

Desire is most definitely building up for both of us. Sue's been smitten with skiing this winter even to the point of still considering another weekend getaway before putting the gear away till next season. Not that it's an excuse, but I know she is feeling good about us and how we've been able to reconnect during this time.

The other thing that's occupied time and energy is college visits with our ********. We've exhausted all of the day-trips and are now looking at schools that are further away to consider whether to visit or not and whether our ******** really would want to go there. As I've said all along, it's these kinds of mom/home things that weigh on Suzanna and what, at times, inhibits her sexually at home (which is why it's surprising when she can let go even more).


We've both agreed that she really shouldn't look for or find her next lover at work, especially not if she wants to give herself even more to him. She is not into the whole online-dating thing in that, strangely, she still finds it uncomfortable to simply pick out her next lover as if she were selecting a piece of meat in the food store (her analogy she's shared in the past). So I know that she wants it to happen spontaneously or of its own accord and in that sense, she's not totally sure of what she wants to do.

We've talked about her joining a gym; taking a night-school-class; joining some other kind of social oriented thing or even taking up some kind of sports thing like joining a biking club. Things were easier when our ******** was younger because she didn't necessarily question excuses by mom why she was going out and I used to join her quite often. Now with our ******** being older, there's a bit more sexual tension in the air and I think Suzanna has been careful to not let things seem out of hand. She does still go out for drinks on Thursdays/Fridays which is when she's hooked up with Tony over the past few months but as I said, she doesn't want that to be her next relationship and has sort of intentionally turned the heat down on that to prevent Tony from getting any ideas on his own.

Our ******** has got her license and can now drive on her own now too but we don't have a car for her so that also means Suzanna needs to be home or available a bit more as we don't want her driving my larger SUV just yet.


I did something dumb that got Suzanna really pissed and annoyed with me. I'd prefer not to go into details here and embarrass myself, suffice to say that I pried into something I shouldn't have.

Last night she informed me of my penance. I knew she was pissed at me and I wasn't sure whether we were going to do anything in keeping up with our Wednesday night ritual. Despite the obvious tension between us, I hoped she'd still have a little horniness to share with me.

We talked a lot but it all came down to that she was really upset that I didn't recognize her privacy when, all along, she has respected mine. I apologized profusely and, I guess at some point she relented and said we could 'move on for now' but she added that, " there's going to be a price to pay!"

By the time we finally got into bed and were able to have some privacy it was pretty late. I was lying in bed in just my boxers and a t-shirt and was wondering what was going to happen when Suzanna came out of the bathroom in her long night-t-shirt. She climbed into bed next to me and she kissed me and said again, "we're not done yet" regarding our earlier issue but she pulled up the front of her night-shirt up to her waist and she rubbed herself against my side and, I guess, for the moment, we were back to our earlier-scheduled-program.

I don't think I really need to say that my cock was hard already and feeling her bare legs and then her pussy against my side only made me want to slide off my boxers even faster. She rubbed her pussy against the side of my hip and her leg over mine and that got my cock rock hard and she smiled when she saw my hand go right to it.

She told me that because of what I'd done that she wanted me to be much clearer with her about what I did and didn't want for our future together. She actually said to me, "you either want this or you don't" as I guess she had taken my earlier actions as something that made her question me and my desires.

I told her that it really excited me that she would find another boyfriend and she immediately answered, "... that's not what I'm talking about, I know you want that, I asked you whether this was what you REALLY wanted."

I think I stopped stroking myself for a moment while I turned to look at her. I looked her up and down loving how she looked, her fingers were gently stroking and caressing her pussy as she looked at me as I spoke to her. Thinking back, I think I realized that she needed me to be serious with her and I guess now, it makes sense. Later on she said that she took my prying as an insecurity I had about whether I really wanted things to go where we'd been. I guess talking about it more in an abstract sense. I should have said that some of my attitude was because of how she's said things, that I'll 'be ready' when the time comes and that none of this is going to happen immediately, that sort of stuff. I guess, in her head, I'd never really said. "this is what I want". I thought I'd been pretty clear and transparent about it but maybe she still also needs to hear it from me.

I took a big breath and then told her that, "the most exciting thing I can think of would be if you did find the right guy and that you did want me to go back to using condoms with you because of him".

She looked at me and said, "is that what you want?" and in that moment I realized what she wanted to hear. I guess my admissions of wanting to be her beta-male and all of that weren't enough, she wanted me to say it outright to her.

So, I did. I looked at her and I told her that, "if it were up to me, yes, I want that to happen".

She pulled me close and kissed me then said she loved me and that she appreciated my honesty. She still looked at me and after a second said, "... and what about the rest of it?”

I will admit hearing this made me scared. I'd already told her that thinking about this frightened me but it seemed to me like she wanted to know whether it was something that I would want, or whether it was merely something I'd accept when and if it did happen.

I've often said that my cock is like a truth-detector and honestly, at that point I wasn't sure whether my cock was going to deflate based on my fears, or whether it would stay hard as I struggled to tell her 'yes'. I think she knew she'd pushed me right then as she seemed want to maybe say something more but didn't. I am sure that all of this took just seconds but in my mind, it seemed like it took minutes for me to get my thoughts together. I rubbed my free hand against her leg and hip as they were still lying against me and I think feeling her warm silky skin gave me the courage I'd been looking for. I looked at her and I said, "yes...." and then hesitated for a second before saying, "... yes, if it were up to me I would want to see how it feels if you were to only be with him". I deliberately said it really fast but I also know that she was intently listening.

A smile came to her face and she said something like, "that wasn't so bad, was it?" as she kissed me, adding "... okay, then if it's what you want, then just let it happen baby, okay?" She proceeded to hold my arm and hand as she slid up and down a little next to and against me and kissed me again, "it'll be okay baby, I'm not going to leave you or anything". A second later and a second kiss, "... just relax about it and don't worry".

She looked down and said, "I know you meant it" and smiled when she saw that my cock hadn't shrunken at all, even with me not touching it as we talked, there it was, stiff and bobbing away.

She leaned in and whispered, "show me how much it turns you on to think about it". She didn't ask me to talk about it; she just wanted to watch me masturbate. As I lay there stroking she said encouragingly, "think about my lover".... think about just him having sex with me ...." As I got more and more into it she kept up with the little short sentences ... ,"mmmm, think about just him making me cum".

She said more but I can't recall all of it, but it was more like that, but I admit that I was lost in my own thoughts. I'll admit that my thoughts were quite a bit more graphic than the short thoughts she'd been sharing , I had all sorts of visions in my head, mainly of her writhing in pleasure with her lover, and sure enough, a moment later I started to cum and cum and cum. She squealed and I was pretty sure she'd been masturbating herself the whole time and she moaned loudly as I spewed my cum all over.

As I lay there it felt like she was looking at me and she started to talk openly to me and she said, "so, you'll be okay when that is all you may have with me?" I knew what she was asking. I looked at her and told her as honestly as I could that it scared and excited me but, at the same time, I croaked out, "yes, I would like to feel that".

My god, did she smile at that! She leaned over towards me and kissed me and said, "the more I am thinking about it, the more I want to try it too".

I didn't say anything but hearing her say that made me feel even more anxious. Before we'd only talked about it in the sense of 'if', now she seems to have moved to thinking about it as a 'when'!.

I thought we were done and all was now good between us but she surprised me with what she said just after that. She leaned over to me and said, "You know, I'm still annoyed with you".

I told her again that I was sorry and that I would respect her privacy in the future.

She replied that's all well and good but that she was still hurt by it and that she thought I needed to 'pay' for it. I looked at her and had no idea what she was talking about. She smiled and said, "take a look down here" and pointed to her night-shirt still being pulled up and her lying there naked from the waist down.

I glanced, smiled and looked back at her face. She said, "no, take a good look".

I got up on my elbows and looked and I could see she'd clearly been masturbating and had cum earlier; I could tell from how her pussy looked, open, swollen, glistening. She smiled and said, "enjoy your look..." and a second later she reached into her night stand, pulled out a pair of panties and said, "... that's all you're going to see for a while now" and she pulled her panties up and that was it. She turned to me and said, "I'll take them off when I want to have fun with you but not till then." A second later she said, "you can think about what you did every time you don't get to see my pussy!”

I was speechless!! I wanted to say something but no matter what I thought about saying, I knew that it would just raise an argument or a discussion that I didn't want to have. Instead I just looked at her and said, "okay" and that was it.

She leaned over, kissed and hugged me deeply and said she loved me but didn't say anything more. As she rose up on her elbow she looked down at my stomach still covered with my cum and as she started to play with it and push it all into one big puddle and put some on her fingers and said, "do you want it?"

I smiled and nodded yes and I held her hand and lovingly kissed and licked at her fingers. She didn't say anything else to me and I know she enjoyed reaching down and stroking my softened cock a little more to bring out the last few drops. We kissed when she was done and I know it turned her on tasting cum on my mouth but we didn't talk about anything sexual after that.

She got up, let her night-shirt drop into place and went to the bathroom to wash up before sleep. I walked in and to get myself cleaned up and I rubbed against her. She turned to me and gave me 'the look' and said, "I was serious"

I didn't ask or push any more, instead I just said a quiet, "sorry".


This morning she came out of the bathroom after her shower with her hair up in a towel and her panties already on when normally she would have walked out naked. Her look at me conveyed her thought from last night that she was indeed serious.

I'll have to see later tonight or over the weekend just how this all plays out.


The weekend was quite interesting. Our ******** came home on Friday evening ecstatic that her boyfriend had asked her to the prom. Suzanna immediately went into gloating mother mode and not only had to call all the relatives but also started to dote on our ******** in looking at dresses and going out shopping. Nice to see them happy together and locked in an 'estrogen battle'!

The other interesting part of the weekend is what while Suzanna is apparently standing fast on her promise to wear panties all the time I was surprised when she came to bed naked on Saturday night. When I shared my surprise with her she giggled and said, "that's to punish you" and seemed to say that 'this', her coming to bed naked, is to reward me. She reminded me that her wearing panties was intended to prompt me about my behaviour and respect for her and that it's her decision to remove them for her own pleasure when we have sex together. Indeed she seemed to enjoy teasing me about 'going down' on her while she 'allows me to'. Between Friday night and last night she's continued to push me to both be more open with her, to tell her more of what's on my mind, as well as for her to remind me she's still annoyed with me.

We talked more on Friday and again with the house to ourselves on Saturday night it was a bit more pointed. As we shared a bottle of wine together she asked me why I felt reluctant to tell her my horniest thoughts and she told me that she feels she can be quite open with me now. She again reminded me that I shouldn't feel self-conscious about anything.

I told her that I still felt a little apprehensive about everything even though I am coming to understand my own desires. She came close to me and said to me that I shouldn't feel bad about what I want and she said to me that she knows that it's not easy for me to tell her all of this.

She looked at me and said that she loved me and that I should know that won't ever change. At one point she even said to me, "you've told me everything already" and that she admitted that she thought that getting me to repeat it would make it easier for me. She also admitted to liking hearing me be more committed and again repeated that this wasn't happening right away and she and said again that, "it may not ever happen baby".

She said that if/when she found the 'right guy' that I would know it. I told her in return that I loved seeing how she acts and feels and responds when she has a boyfriend and how I missed seeing that sparkle in her eye.

Despite starting to talk about her, the conversation soon turned around to come back to me and she again wanted to know what I was thinking and what I wanted.

I guess it's true, if you talk about your fears enough, that it becomes something that is less frightening. I told her that I knew the signs and that I was looking forward to seeing her getting horny for another guy. She smiled and asked me if that turned me on and I guess that kind of spurred me to keep talking to her as the smile on her face only got broader as I told her that I loved to see how she started to change when she was seeing a new guy. She told me that's why she said that 'when it happens', that I'll know it's happening.

It was a really nice moment, she wasn't teasing me or any of that, instead she listened as I told her that I loved how she looked and how I could see the changes when she started to get into another guy. I told her that I loved the thought of her being seduced by her next lover and that I wanted to see how long it took and those sorts of things.

She replied that with our ******** now going out so much more often (since she's started driving), that she thought she could more easily open-her-eyes and look around. I asked her if she had anyone in mind yet and she said a honest 'no' and so I repeated my thoughts about her maybe going to night-school either at our local-high-school for some 'adult education' classes or, maybe, that she could look at going back to college for real. We talked about her joining a gym or maybe some other kind of social group and she said that all of those are possibilities. When I mentioned that there are online websites that we could consider, she again reiterated her desire for things to happen naturally, spontaneously, even if it takes longer. When I asked her why she said that she felt uncomfortable thinking about arranging things like that and that she didn't like the idea of picking out her next boyfriend from an online website.

I tried to tell her that she might find it easier or less uncertain; she replied back with a confident, "I don't think it'll take that long".

Aas we talked it was apparent that what she'd said to me earlier and that she had loved how Robert had gotten her interested in him and how he seduced her. I told her that other guys may not be as patient and she said she knew that but that she still wanted to have at least a few dates before she would decide whether it was going to get more serious. That's when she told me that's what she's been meaning by telling me that 'I'll see it happening; that I'll see and know she wants to go out on a 2nd date; that I'll see her desires developing for him as they do'. She even seemed to emphasize how she would make a point to make sure I realized and then she seemed to get all lost in thought as she told me how she hoped she'd feel herself wanting him like she did with Robert.

She'd said earlier that she wanted me to be more comfortable sharing my excitement and my thoughts. As she told me how she hoped she'd be seduced I told her that I wanted to see the excitement in her. I told her that I could tell when she was really getting into Robert last year and that I loved seeing her like that and that I could feel the energy she got from it spilling over elsewhere.

She said something about having really enjoyed her time with Robert. I went for broke and I told her that I loved thinking about the first time she had sex with Robert and how horny she was for him already and how I loved seeing that. I also told her that I knew that at some point in the future she's going to come to me and tell me she wants to start going bare with him. I looked at her and told her that, "I know what will come soon after that, won't it?".

She smiled and cuddled up next to me and told me how awesome she'll feel when she reaches that point with him saying , "when it happens .... you know what that means, right?”

I told her that I knew that would mean that us using condoms together was something that wouldn't be too far off. She held my hand and said, "you understand baby, right?".

I looked at her and told her that thinking about that; thinking about that conversation and how we would feel, that it's something I would want her to do. She was quiet for a second and I took it as her encouraging me to keep talking so I did. I told her how I'd long run that conversation though my head and how turned on I'll be when it comes time. I told her that hearing her tell me that she'd like it to again be just her lover that cums in her is something that makes me incredibly horny and I admitted that (as she very well knew) that I masturbated many times to the thought of her coming out and asking me for that.

I seized the moment and I just kept talking. (Maybe that's what got her to calm down more and to get into sex even more on Saturday night!) I told her the thoughts I'd had and had tried to share many times. I told her that knowing she would ask that of me is a turn-on in and of itself but this time I told her that it turned me on incredibly to think about me actually putting on my own condom so that I wouldn't cum in her was something that turned me on so much.

She moaned back and started to kiss and stroke my cock as she encouraged me to tell her more so I went for broke and said that thinking of her pussy and thinking about how she talks herself when she's more serious, that thinking of her only having her lover's cum in her vagina was a huge turn on to me. I told her that seeing, feeling or even tasting it in her is something that I jerk-off to constantly. In the heat of my openness I said that it makes me so horny that I know that when she comes to me and asks that it just be her lover who gets to feel and use her pussy, that I know it'll make me wickedly horny!

My god did she love to hear that from me. It seems to be what she's wanted, to hear me tell her what turns me on.

It became easier between us after that point. She lay back and let me see her naked body again, seeing her labia spread apart and revealing the sexy pinkness of her pussy. I told her that it excited me that she shared herself like this and as I pushed my cock into her she moaned about how I should enjoy it while I still could.

Both of us were really horny and as we fucked she would occasionally tease me about, "enjoy it while you can" and I teased back when I said (and thought) that only her lover would fuck her like this.

No surprise, all of this talk got to both of us and soon we were into an intense fuck. I admitted to her a few times that I loved thinking of her lover having her just like this and just as she can sometimes feel my response in my cock, as I talked to her, I could feel it in her pussy. Whenever I'd share a deep thought like that, the response was unmistakeable, her pussy would juice-up and I could feel her body respond. I pushed it many times with her and told her that I loved thinking about her pussy filled with her lover's cock. She would respond by telling me to fuck her deeper and harder and to tell me how wet she feels.

We were both pretty horny and really going at it when she got into this position that was just awesome and that spurred me to really get into fucking her deep and slow until she squealed and begged me to give it to her harder. She pushed me to tell her more as I got more and more forceful with her. In my head my brain was already moving towards the point of no return. I told her how great she felt and she did the same. As we got more and more into it I managed to tell her that it turned me on to think of her saying to me that, "this is the last time" and that I should enjoy her as much as I could.

She squealed and thrashed her head around and moaned out, "oh god yes, give me to my lover" or something like that but it wasn't what she said, it was how she felt, the unmistakeable feel of her body spasming and of her cumming and cumming and cumming as I fucked her.

I didn't say it but in my head, that the scene would end with her telling me to, "cum one last time in me" was enough to push me over. I plunged into her deep and hard and held it there as I started to cum inside her. Her eyes opened widely as she felt my cock throb one last time and then she felt me cumming deep in her.


I've been doing some thinking. Actually, Suzanna's been kind of forcing it on me as she is convinced that I'll be more relaxed and calm and less apprehensive about all of this if we can start to talk about it more openly.

This past Wednesday night I gave into her and tried to be even more open about things. She insisted that I could tell her anything and that she'd never think less of me. I guess it felt right because I started to open up a bit to her. It felt really weird at first, like I was baring my soul in a way. She asked what turned me on when I am alone or when I'm masturbating and it felt so weird to tell her things that I did.

But she seems to be right; the more we talked the easier it did seem. I told her some things that I'd have never thought I could say to her and to her credit she listened and didn't judge me. I think she obviously knew the directions of my thoughts but at the same time I think some of what turned me on surprised her. It felt weird to tell her some of it as it meant admitting that some of what really turns me on now is what I cringed about earlier on. It surprised her that it turned me on to think of her sharing moments with her lover that used to really get to me, close intimate moments.

I told her how it turned me on that her lover and she would lie afterwards, still together sexually and that it turned me on that she could feel his cock as it softened up and slipped out of her.

I told her how I loved thinking of her pussy (I even referred to it as her vagina at some points ) and how I loved that she shared it with others and how it made me incredibly turned on that other guys know how she feels sexually.

Between Wednesday night and last night I found it easier to tell her more of the thoughts I've had. She asked me if it turned me on to think about denial and she asked me to try to explain how it made me feel. I told her that just seeing her in her panties made me want her so much and I told her that the idea that only her lover would see her naked (even if it's just in my head for right now) was something that turned me on incredibly but it was when I started to tell her how I wanted to re-live the moment when she'd asked me to use condoms with her that she seemed to finally believe that I was truly comfortable with it all.

I think, in reality, I've been more comfortable and accepting of all of this that she may have given me credit for. I told her that when she was ready for that decision again, that I wanted us to make a bit more of a ceremony about it and that I wanted her to play it up more that my last time for feeling her bare was coming soon.

She admitted to me that hearing me open up like that last night had made her really turned on. She agreed that when that time comes (I noted it was 'when' and not 'if') that she would be sure to make me more aware of it. She said she was surprised by my acceptance of it last time and that she would know how to make it even better for me this time.

I guess maybe I do perhaps want a little bit of humiliation after all? I didn't tell her that, but I am sure she can see where the line has been moved to.

As we got more worked up in bed she asked me what else turned me on and I admit, I felt pretty comfortable and was able to tell her that although I'd surely miss it, that the thought of her asking me to stop having sex with her because she wants to only be with her lover was incredibly arousing to me.

She asked me to tell her a bit more if I could. As I said, I think maybe I've come to a crossroads of sorts in that I looked at her and told her simply that the thought of only her lover having sex with her was strangely arousing to me.

She asked me why and I told her that the thought of me, essentially giving her most private and intimate parts to her lover for his use only was just something that made me really horny. I told her that when I see her in her panties now, it gives me a thrill to imagine that she's doing it because she doesn't want to tease me by letting me see what I can't have.

By the time we got to fucking last night, I was rock hard and her pussy was drenched. She looked up at me as we fucked and she told me to tell her more. I struggled but managed to tell her a few more things until just the thoughts in my head were enough to cause me to explode. She felt it coming and she let herself go into an incredible orgasm that shook the bed. As I felt her pussy gush beneath me I let go inside her and again. As I spurted squirt after squirt of cum deep in her she arched her back and groaned as a huge wave of an orgasm swept over her as I finished in her.

I'll end this entry now by saying that for maybe the first time, after we'd finished and a few minutes later, she got up to go into the bathroom and I followed her in. In the dim light as the water warmed up I looked at her and I told her openly, for maybe the first time ever, that I wanted her to only feel that with her lover. She looked up at me a second later and realized what I'd just said to her and she reached up and hugged me deeply and said she loved me and that we would always have each other.


Being away made it a little easier to talk too, we'd started some playful banter just after we left our ******** with her cousin, Suzanna and I joked about our own fun times in the college dorms which sort of broke the ice. I told her that I'd remembered what she'd told me and she smiled until I reminded her that I also remembered about Greg (I thought that was his name), her boyfriend in college who had the long-skinny cock and was the only guy she enjoyed anal sex with. She turned red when I mentioned that, but fair was fair!


I can't say I'm totally comfortable with all of this, but she is right, that talking about it more openly and outside the moments when we're in bed having sex together seems to be easing whatever concerns she seems to be having and I guess, I am a bit apprehensive and reluctant about it. I looked back at some of what I have written here in my journals and I know that no matter how much I want this to happen, that there is definitely a part of me that has my own concerns.

I guess I put up a good front. The thing is, I know it's not that I'm scared or worried about losing Suzanna, I actually feel good about that; it is clear that she is encouraging me and not judging me.

What I feel is that Suzanna wants me to tell her the 'how I feel' part more than she specifically wants to hear all of the sordid details of the things I think and fantasize about. She seems to be most comfortable when I tell her what's in my head and what things mean to me rather than specifics of what position or that sort of thing about her. That's where I guess she's right, it has felt good to share with her some of how I feel and I hope that continues. I know that I've always (almost always) been able to tell her that 'watching this' or 'doing that' turned me on. She knows that it turns me on to know she's had sex with another guy, what she wants to hear is what about it turns me on, what thoughts do I have that turn me on.

For her side, she's told me that she loves that I can share this with her as she feels it is something significant for us and something that she says makes her understand and believe that this is truly what I want to feel. I've told her about my concerns and she's said that she can understand them, especially when I've shared more of my feelings.

When I told her how it made me feel so aroused to think about her feeling her lover deep inside her as he brings her to orgasm (as I told her that last night even though we weren't having sex) she looked at me and said she loved me in such a sensitive and deep way, it just made me feel good about it. I told her that I loved knowing another guy would feel what I do; that I can feel all of her through my cock deep in her and how it turned me on to think of her sharing that moment with her lover.

Last night she explained a little more about what she's looking for, what she wants to feel from me. She told me that in the past, whenever she's shared some of these types of thoughts of how she feels or what she wants to feel, that I always responded in such a way that she knew that I wanted it to happen. She says that it's given her a lot of confidence knowing how I feel. What she said, in her own round-about-way was that she wants me to feel the same; that she wants me to know that she understands and that she would like me to have that same feeling of being able to tell her anything and everything, to know that she is okay with it. Convoluted thinking for sure, but I guess it's her way of explaining more of what she wants to have between us.


Suzanna's said that there were times when she was with Robert (maybe not towards the end) that she would have liked me to be able to be with them. I told her that I would have liked that and it gave a hint what was in her mind with her next lover. We didn't talk about the implications but obviously depending on where they are in their relationship would influence what I did or didn't do with them.


Other than enjoying watching me masturbate on Wednesdays, she has no interest in 'controlling my orgasms'. My thoughts about this are that this is for her, the only comments she's really made about it is what she'd teased me last Wednesday that's stuck in my head, she said, "this may be all you have for a while baby, how are you going to feel about that?" referring to me masturbating. Again she wanted to know how it will make me feel and I told her that I knew I'll miss feeling her but that in many ways, thinking that only me cum more when I jerk off. The point being that her response was, "... that's good baby, you'll need that at times".

I know that it's all easy to talk about, especially right now when we are still having full-on sex and she's still going to bed filled with my cum. As I said above and that we've talked together, that this is more fantasy and Penthouse Stories right now between us, but she is very quick to tell me that I need to be sure about this too.

I know what she's trying to do and I know that it's all positive for her and that she wants all of this to be better for me. It's not so much that I'm hiding thoughts or feelings but more that it's not easy to put what I feel inside into words to share with her. It's also not easy admitting what I'm feeling and knowing that whether they're what I've said all along or not, that they are what I'm feeling. She apparently wants to hear more of my emotions and feelings and thought and not just my responses to the sex she has and wants. I've tried to explain how strangely fulfilling it felt to use condoms with her and she's understood and accepted that but she seems to want me to open up even more and try to share with her almost why I want it or how it makes me feel inside. It's all good and I'm sure that over the next few weeks or so that she'll succeed in what she wants. Perhaps she might realize that guys in general can't always put words to feelings as easily as she can at times....


Another thought I have is that we both know that she may go-through several guys before she finds who she likes. When we talked about her looking elsewhere than her work, like this adult-class she may sign up for, that there are going to be a wider range of 'candidates' rather than the more narrow range she's encountered thus far.

I can only say that over time my feelings and desires have most definitely changed. Perhaps it's a natural evolution; not sure. All I can say is that last summer and fall that I just haven't ever felt that way before, strangely satisfied and content. Maybe Suzanna's apparent conditioning of me is working because it's becoming easier and easier for me to just say it.

Do I want her to eventually deny me fully? I would have cringed at the thought just a few years back but now I admit it that I do want it.


Despite wanting to experience being denied sex with her, it's not something that I would want as a long-term thing and it comforts me that Suzanna says she feels the same way; that we both know that we need to have sex with each other at times to stay together as we are.

To the question 'how frequent is that?' I honestly don't know. I would have never thought I could handle using condoms with her for months on end and yet it was very enjoyable.

I don't know that I can really put a time-frame on denial, surely I'd think that 6 months would be perhaps a bit too distant, but to be honest, it would really depend on how things are between us. All I know is that I derived a strange even perverse enjoyment using condoms with her. The question of what she would want and the need to feel each other deeply and intimately after a period of time, just how long that is, I don't know.

What I guess I should try to say before I finish is that when we've talked about this together, that she too has said that her desire to be at that extreme with me will be short-lived. What's the saying, 'the match burns hottest just before it goes out?'

What I've felt is that she understands that she too has a limit, perhaps out of guilt, or perhaps out of now 'knowing herself'.

In our talks about her anticipated 'affair' she'd always said that it would be short but intense.


Which pretty much sums up this book. Time to find another.

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