Journal of a Journey - Book 65

We've returned from yet another great ski weekend. I have to pinch myself sometimes that this is all truly happening. Suzanna was quite a skier when we first got together and now it seems, as with other desires from long ago that have been re-kindled, this too is a pleasant return .... including her horniness after skiing for the day.

I’m thinking that Suzanna, if the topic were raised, would say that neither of us is interested in chastity play. I'm thinking that unless it's a turn-on for Suzanna, why would a Dom push for that when I would willingly go along with her desires.

That's actually an interesting segue into some of the other thoughts in my head. At one point as we were fucking, probably over an hour before we took a break to get a drink of water. When she saw me walk back into the bedroom with my cock all hard and wet/sticky from her and I pushed back into her firmly she asked me, "you really want to give this up, eh?"

It was so erotic talking to her about it as we were fucking. I told her it wasn't that I 'wanted' to not fuck her but that I wanted to feel it if she wanted it. She pulled her knees back and it felt heavenly as she told me, "I think about it sometimes..... only feeling my lover......"

We later talked more about it and she said that knowing I wanted her to deny me made it easier for her to think about it. The way she said it was that knowing it gave me some sort of mental-pleasure made it easier for her to start to think more about it; she looked at me and said that she now knows that when she finds the right guy that she feels comfortable with, that she will want to do it.

I asked her to tell me more and she said that she'd begun to really feel more comfortable in all of this stuff. She admitted to still enjoying her pen-pal relationship and I asked her if that was helping her confidence. She shared a little with me and said that her pen-pal had said that she should embrace more of her own desires and that she should feel confident that what she wanted would also be what turned me on.

I laughed at her and sarcastically asked her, "you needed him to tell you that?"

She laughed and then started to tell me more of what I'd said earlier, that even she feels like she's dropping all of the burdens she's picked up over the years, she's now includes in her thinking how she feels about herself and about sex.

I again laughed at her at telling me the obvious but she continued to talk and said that she liked feeling sexy again and that she seems much more self-aware including how she feels sexually and what she wants.

She reminded me of some things she'd said to me long ago and I recalled her attitude about sex when we'd first gotten together. She had been very open about her wanting her pleasure and I so remember her making sure she had her orgasms and her being the one actually wanting sex and wanting certain positions and such. She reminded me that she was also very aware of her own body and as she talked it did bring back memories.

I knew she'd gotten a bit more serious when she said she was much more aware of her vagina. When we're talking all sexy and feeling horny she will refer to it as her pussy but in that moment she said that she'd been much more aware of her vagina and how it feels when we're having sex. It reminded me that she had previously said that she'd always been aware of that when we first started to have sex as she would explain, "I remembered focusing and feeling so much of how you .... and other guys .... felt in me and how I could feel so much".

She said it started last year and was partly what was also behind her decision to ask me to use condoms with her. I think I mentioned it back then but she said it again, that she stated to become much more aware of how she felt during sex and what she wanted to feel from her lover vs. what she wanted to feel from me.

Apparently (serendipitously or via fate) my 'coming out' about wanting to be her beta-male fitted right into her growing awareness and desires. I know she's said many things about being able to feel me or her lover and being very aware of how our cocks feel in her and how she can feel when we are about to cum but she also said she's become very aware of how she feels inside. She said that she can now feel how different her vagina feels when her legs are far back (the way I like them) wrapped around my arms and spread versus how she feels when her legs are down and her feet are flat on the bed, of how she feels when her ankles are on my shoulders and her legs are closer together.

It was a good thing I'd cum already as her talk was getting me hard once again. She asked if I remembered what she'd said to me long ago in that note she'd sent me about how she felt early on with Peter when he'd gotten behind her. She asked if I remembered how she said she'd felt like she'd been 'mounted' like an animal. She seemed to see the sexuality when she said how erotic it feels now to her to be fucked in that position and she said she'd loved it when I'd fucked her like that just a little while earlier and she asked if I knew when she'd cum. I told her that of course I could tell from how her pussy felt and also from how she screamed into the pillow on the bed. She looked at me and said that she loved feeling me pull her open in that position and how she could feel my cock penetrate her slowly and deeply.

She asked me again if I was still turned on by all of this but the answer was quite obvious from my now, again, stiffening cock that was visible to both of us as we lay there talking. She told me how when I agreed to use condoms with her how it made her feel wonderful and how she seemed to almost find her pussy became even more sensitive and how she became more and more aware of how she felt feeling her lover cum inside her and the difference not feeling that from me. I knew what she was getting at and I, I guess a little sheepishly, said "I know, it turns me on to think about that".

She took my hand and said that she knows it's very special what I want to give up and she wanted me to know that she understood it and that she thought it was maybe one of the most beautiful things I'd ever done.

Before I could say anything more she proceeded to tell me that, "it feels different in more ways than just that you know....” She knew that was going to hit me and I felt her hold my hand even more tightly and she said, "... it's okay baby, I love it between us no matter what...."

She then told me that while she definitely cums and orgasms with me when I'm using a condom with her, that it really wasn't the same as being bare and that now that with her raised/restored awareness of her sexuality that she looked at me and said, "it's really so much better feeling it bare baby...." She said that she knows that I need to be with her sexually and that using condoms with me gives me that feeling that I need but she said that it's not the same for her.

I knew what was coming and sure enough she said that if she does find a lover who she will 'feel strongly' about that she wanted me to know that when we have sex together after that and I go back to using condoms, that she wanted me to know all of what I'm giving up with her.

She then said how she is so much more aware of how she feels, how she can feel her vagina contract; how wet she can feel herself becoming; how open she can feel herself becoming. She said that she loves the feeling of being penetrated deeply but admitted that its knowing it's me in the condom that does it for her otherwise it wouldn't be much different than her using a dildo; that, "once I can't feel you bare inside me, it just feels totally different when I do", and feeling totally intensified the sex with her lover. She looked at me and said that it's not just feeling me cum in her that sets her off in that deep intense orgasm, but that it's feeling me bare in her that does it.

She was still holding my hand when she looked at me and asked again whether this was something I still wanted. Before I could answer her she said, "I want to know if it's what you want. Don't tell me that it depends on me".

When I didn't come out and answer her right away she looked at me and said in that soft loving voice, "it's okay whatever you say, I just want to know what you want, I'll always love you".

I finally, a moment later, nodded my head and said, "yes". She pulled me close to her and she smiled when she felt my again hard cock against her leg as she kissed me. She told me again how she loved me and then said, "thank you" and in response to my questioning look said, "thank you for letting me feel what I want to with my lover" and told me how erotic she felt knowing, "again that I love how sex feels in me".

My cock was still hard but I guess I had a look on my face because she put her finger under my chin and said, "I meant what I told you baby.... If you ever need to feel me once we start again you just say so, I'll always be there for you....”

I knew she meant 'with condoms or more' with she said but as she kept on talking about how wonderful it felt to be so aware of just how intimate she is with her lover, ".... and to know that he may be the only one I feel..." that she found herself getting horny at the thought of it. As she put it, "...I love knowing I am giving my lover my most intimate places..."

She told me how turned on she was when she started to recognize some of this with Robert. She told me how the longer they were together and the longer it'd been since I'd cum in her, that she felt she wanted him even more. She said that feeling his cock fill her vagina (again, when she uses the 'clinical' words I know she's on a serious thought) that she says she feels incredibly fulfilled knowing her most intimate place is for her lover. That was when she looked at me and said, "isn't that what turns you on too baby?".

Sometimes her use of the 'proper terminology' is a turn-on for me and she knew it was the case Saturday night when she said, "you've told me that it turns you on to think of that, that you don't get to feel my vagina bare but my lover will".

Aware of this and looked at me and said, "tell me what you're thinking" as she put my own hand onto my now hard cock. "Does that turn you on to think about; isn't that what you said turned you on, that it’s sort of the same that turns me on?. How did you say it, different sides of the same coin? You can tell me baby, I want you to tell me, it'll be okay".

I guessed it was my turn to speak and as I lay there I could remember things from long ago a bit more clearly; how horny she always was after skiing and how we'd fuck for hours just like we were now; how even afterwards, we were both still somewhat horny.

She was still lying naked next to me and I knew that from how she was lying, that little if any of my cum had seeped out of her, not as she lay with her legs tight together on her side next to me. I became very aware of how hard her nipples were against my arm and chest.

She sort of whispered in my ear, "come on baby, does it turn you on to think about it?” and so, it seemed almost like a Wednesday night as I lay next to her and started to masturbate. She cooed at how hard my cock had gotten again and how turned on I must be. Finally I started to talk and I told her that it turned me on to hear her telling me about it and I told her that hearing her say it like she did knowing she was serious at points.

"Tell me" she said a few times as I talked and so I did. I told her that it scared me but at the same time everything she'd said seemed to be totally what was in my head.

I told her that it turned me on to think about it and that after hearing what she'd said it seemed to turn me on even more knowing that she felt even more from what we were doing.

I told her how in my head it had already turned me on that I was using condoms with her but hearing her say that it also made her feel comparatively more from her lover, I admit I was a little embarrassed to say that turned me on even more.

She held me close and leaned up against me and whispered in my ear how erotic and sexy it was to hear me say that, that it turned me on that she would feel more from her lover than me. I told her that in some ways that made it feel even more intense to me and that it would surely be something that was in my head when the time came and she wanted it.

She rubbed her breasts against my arm as she whispered how horny it makes her to look at my cock and think about how I must feel when I think about it, "it makes you so hard, that turns me on knowing it really turns you on". She kissed my cheek and then turned my face to hers and she said, "it's okay that this turns you on baby".

I moaned back at her that thinking about her only feeling her lover's cock bare in her was something that really turned me on. She cooed and asked me to, "tell me more about what you think about when you take care of yourself...".

Even though we'd just had sex not more than an hour earlier I was rock hard again and I started to tell her more about the thoughts in my head but began by saying how much more at ease I felt talking to her after how open she'd been with me. I guess in my head it seemed like she'd been pretty open so it seemed easier to do the same.

I told her that I loved thinking about her wanting sex with her lover and that after she'd told me that she was able to orgasm with Robert, at times, even more intensely than with me, that it really made me horny to think about that; to know she was feeling that.

I told her that what she'd told me only made me hornier to think about it. She asked me to tell her more what I thought about as I masturbated (I think knowing it was going to get me to cum even sooner). As she held my hand and said sexy things I started to tell her how horny it made me to think about her coming to me and telling me she was getting more serious with her lover. I told her that I liked to think about the escalation of things and how she would make each decision more and more erotic.

Her encouraging moans kept me talking. I told her how horny I was going to be now, more than ever from what she'd told me earlier, about when she may come to me and tell me that she wants to go bare with her lover.

I told her that it turned me on so much to think about her telling me the first time when she'd be out with her lover and she'd let him go bare and how she'd come home for the first time with his cum in her. She moaned in response to me and said that she could feel her pussy throb at that moment as I said it and she said how much she's, "looking forward to feel another man cum in her" and, picking up on her thoughts from earlier, I told her that it turned me on that she'd, "let another guy cum in your vagina and that it'd no longer be just for me again". That made her moan; I think she liked hearing me say the word vagina to her. I told her that I loved the thought of her feeling another guy in her and that what she'd said earlier turned me on that she liked the thought of sharing such an intimate part of herself.

"... And?"

She encouraged me to continue as she watched me stroking my cock and smearing pre-cum all around as I did so. I told her that it made me even hornier to think about when she may want more.

"What do you mean more?" she knowingly asked me.

I moaned that it made me crazy horny to think about her maybe wanting to just have her lover cumming in her like she'd asked last summer "... you know, when you asked me to use condoms".

"That makes you horny baby?" she asked.

I was really getting into it as I'd lost almost all of my inhibition and told her how in my head she'd have been telling me, like she did when it happened with Robert, that she was liking feeling him cumming more and more in her. I told her that to hear her tell me that she'd like to only have her lover cum in her was something that would signify to me that she is feeling more for him and that she'd probably want to have it go further.

I told her that just knowing that would be something that turned me on even more and that even now I look at her sometimes when we're together, having sex, and that I'll think about what it'll be like when it's only her lover's cum that will be in her and that it turns me on.

She was moaning as I was saying this and she said, "I didn't know you thought about it like this....".

I told her that I thought that this time, if and when it happens, that maybe we'd make a bit of a big deal about it and maybe make it into a horny evening for us to share.

She looked at me as I as deep into my thoughts and she said, "I just didn't realise this turned you on like this".

I moaned my agreement to her and said that I'd often cum to the thought of feeling her bare for the last time for a while and us making the moment something more memorable and meaningful including her telling me that she wants to feel me bare 'one last time'. I told her that I'd often thought about the anguish and torment of wanting that last moment to last longer knowing what it'll mean when I do cum. She asked me if I thought about this last summer and I told her that it had happened a bit too fast and that I hadn't been able to accept my desires just yet to which she let out the sexiest moan and again I could feel her breasts against my arm and her nipples again so hard.

I wasn't sure when she'd started but as we talked about my thoughts about that moment I realized she too was masturbating and when I glanced down I could see she was spreading my cum from earlier all around her now spread pussy and she was plunging her fingers in and out making squishing noises. "It really turned you on using condoms, didn't it?" she said matter-of-factly and I could hear her breathing becoming heavier and heavier. I moaned back and told her what I may have never said out loud to her; I told her that it made me feel strangely fulfilled to know that she wanted to only have her lover cumming in her and that after hearing what she'd said earlier, that it made me even hornier to know how she felt about my using condoms with her; that it really did differentiate between me and her lover.

She was up on one elbow as I told her how horny it made me feel she started to encourage me to tell her more. "I love you sharing your thoughts with me; you have me so turned on .... I knew this all made you horny but never all of this... Tell me more baby....."

It was one of those moments when it was so easy to talk openly and I said to her again that it turned me on to know what I was doing as I would put on a condom but, now knowing what she'd told me about just how different it feels to her, that it made me even more turned on to think about it all now. I told her that what she'd said, that at that point was when it really became something more significant to her was a turn on to think back to her having asked me for it and that knowing how she felt all of the end of last year only made it feel strangely more exciting to me.

When she saw I hadn't cum yet I think she realized that there was more to my mental fantasies and that, I guess, there was more I felt I'd wanted to share and she said "what else baby?".

Even though I had it in my head so clearly, I was hesitant to tell her but she knew I was holding back and a second later she said, "Come on baby, you can tell me anything, I told you that .... is it hard to tell me? I think I know what you're thinking and I know it must be hard to tell me".

It was good that we'd had a bit to drink as even after all of what we'd said and my obscenely hard cock in my hand along with her fingers still moving slowly and deeply in her own pussy , it still wasn't the easiest thing to tell her that I'd even fantasized about the day she might ask me to abstain from sex with her altogether. I heard her moan as I said that it turned me on to think about her wanting more. I told her that just as it turned me on to think of her coming to me and asking me to use condoms with her, that it would also turn me on if she came to me and said that she wanted more from her lover.

"What do you mean?" she hoarsely asked me.

I took a deep breath and told her that I would almost always cum when I got to the point of thinking about her coming to me and asking me if she can just have her lover using her pussy and that she'd want me to not have sex with her. I heard her loudly groan as I said it and I guess that encouraged me on.

I knew we were just talking and fantasizing and sharing our thoughts but I also knew that as I spoke, the more I explained that the more likely that it would be put into motion at some point. Yes, it scared me to say it , I even told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to share it all with her, but she encouraged me on and said, "come on baby, I want to hear it...." When she sensed that I was still hesitant she said, "we're just talking and getting sexy now baby, if any of this happens you know that they'll all be things we come to deciding together....".

That did make me more at ease and at the same time I felt that familiar throb start in my balls and cock and, as I said, even though I'd cum pretty heavily in her earlier, my cock was more than ready to deliver again, I could feel that heaviness and I could feel the urge almost at a crescendo. I told her that just as our earlier 'ceremony' for the last time I would have her bare was something that really turned me on, I took a deep breath and struggled to tell her that at times thinking about her asking me to not have sex with her again was enough to set me off. I think she was as horny as I was at that moment with her own voice barely eking out 'mmmm baby' at times.

I told her that her earlier wish to have this 'affair' with her lover was something that excited me and that while I wasn't sure about the emotional depth she was looking for, that I was totally turned on by her wanting to possibly only have sex with him. She moaned that it turned her on too.

I don't know how I was talking to her at this point, I think I was just sharing the thoughts in my head because with each thing I said my words increasingly became more like grunts than talking and yet still turned me on even more. I told her that just thinking about how she must feel when she'd come to me and want to talk about this next step, that thinking about what she's feeling, totally turned me on. I was struggling to find the right words, I was struggling just to speak coherently, but I finally said to her that while it might be something I feared, that if she wanted it, that I wanted to give it to her. I told her that I knew that if she was willing to come to me and ask me for that, to be exclusive with her lover, that it would be both the most difficult and at the same time easy decision to make.

I could tell from her own laboured breathing that she too was close and I told her that I hoped we'd be able to have another special time together when we both might talk about and then possibly act it out for real. I told her that the thought of her only spreading her legs for her lover and that she might only have sex with him was a huge turn-on to me to think about. I was so close to cumming as I kept talking and told her that knowing her lover would be the only one to make her cum and feel her body as she let go I knew I just needed to hear a little bit more teasing and taunting from her.

She was moaning and her fingers were still making squishing sounds as she started to talk, "oh baby, when the time comes I promise I'll make that last time good for you.... maybe I'll even let you have your last time in me be bare, would you like that?". She must have seen my hand start to move more intently or she must have felt me start to tremble as my orgasm built up because she had the consciousness to lean over towards my ear and to whisper in this sexy voice, "how would that be; would that turn you on to know it'd be your last time feeling me with your cock?".

I couldn't answer her anymore and I'm not sure how she was even able to focus herself but when she said, "you'd never want to pull out of me, would you baby?”

That did it for me. Just like on a Wednesday night, hearing her talk to me so explicitly, so openly and so comfortably, wow, it just struck me. I heard what she said and in my head I could almost 'see' the moment, me plunging into her, all the more excited by feeling her bare one last time; I could see myself trying to make it last and at the same time trying to go harder; faster; deeper and fighting that urge knowing I would not win. Maybe hearing her say to me, "come on baby, enjoy it one last time"; feeling myself fighting between wanting to let it gush into her and wanting to try to last longer until, finally, I couldn't hold back any longer.

Even though I'd just cum maybe two hours earlier when I finally let go it felt like it was a huge load of cum that I spurted all over. The intensity and explicitness of our conversation coupled with the electricity between us at that moment just overwhelmed me and I stroked and stroked until there was no more left to cum at which point I think I almost passed out from the intensity....

Suzanna squealed loudly and I could feel her movement next to me as she brought herself to a rousing orgasm spurred on by her watching me cum all over myself. I lay next to her breathing deeply as she came down from her own height of pleasure. I felt her rolling towards me and before I could do anything she'd placed her fingers in my mouth. At first I thought she'd scooped up some of my cum and was feeding it to me until I tasted her fingers and while I could clearly taste my own cum, I could also taste her own sweetness mixed in with my cum's tanginess. The thought that her fingers just came out of her pussy was a wickedly horny thought to me.


I like to think that I am pretty open and honest with her but I will also say that outside the light in the bedroom, I'm sometimes reluctant to accept what I said to her. I mean in my heart I do want her to have all the experience she wants and I've been pretty clear about how I was surprised at how I felt using condoms with her. I know what she said to me, that she can't feel as much as I thought she could when I use them, is something that maybe she said because it's real and it also could be something she said to push me a bit. I do want to talk to her more about that and I suspect that it will be Wednesday night when we are both in the mood to do so.

I wanted to say all that to her because after the time I've now spent as the alpha-male for her again, that I guess part of me wanted her to know that I do still want to return to being the beta. Even after she told me all that she did, I cannot lie, it all turned me on. I think what maybe I'm feeling and is also something I will have to talk with her about is, I guess, that I'm a little scared to go down this road. I told her some of my fears and concerns and she gave me her assurances and that is all good for now, but for as sure as I am about what I seem to need to feel, I think I'm equally scared to let it happen. I know she'll be supportive and I guess what I'm hoping for is to make my concerns as clear to her as I can right now so that if and when it does start to happen, that she'll remember what I've said.


Even though Spring is right around the corner, last night Suzanna said she might still want to 'get one more weekend'. It's funny because the thought that went through my mind was, "yeah, she's into skiing - but also that she wants another night like Saturday night." There was just something about the way she said it.

Sometimes I read back in my journals on what I've said and done and, afterwards, in the cold light of day as opposed to the sweaty-post-sex bedroom, I think sometimes I open up too much and share too much . It is a huge turn-on to me in the short run as I so enjoyed masturbating while we talked and the intense orgasm that totally drained me but sometimes I look back afterwards, like today and yesterday, and wonder if maybe I shared too much of the 'fantasy' part of what's in my head.


What I can really say is that I do miss her having a lover. I know that it should make me feel in one way that we're essentially back to being a monogamous couple and I should be satisfied with that but I will also say here, just as I did tell her, I do miss knowing another guy is fucking her.

I don't know why but even when we were having awesome sex this past Saturday night in the hotel room, that I missed just the knowledge, much less actually feeling it, that she's fucking another guy. I miss how her pussy would feel a bit looser and more open and definitely more wet and responsive. I think that may be part of why I'd always liked fucking her like we did on Saturday where I'd ride her for a long time until I finally felt the need building to cum in her, the thought I just had was that maybe I'd been subconsciously trying to loosen and open her up a bit all along. For sure, she knows that I love fucking her like that.

I find myself sometimes wondering whether I was in denial earlier. As I said, it even surprises me at how I felt when I used condoms with Suzanna, it just felt like it was what I'd been looking for and wanted to feel. In some ways, thinking back to when we first started dating I had a crazy thought that even back then, I may have enjoyed her asking me to use condoms while she was still seeing the other guys. I sometimes do think, "is this what I've been wanting all along".

The thought of full denial of her is scary for me. I know if it does happen, it will be something that'll hopefully be short lived but the idea is quite intense for me to contemplate.

My last thoughts also relate to full denial. I see that as perhaps the ultimate play-out of this whole thing between us and in some ways, the idea sits atop a pedestal waiting for the right circumstances. I guess it'll take the right circumstances as well as the right person to take it from there and make it real.

Now, a few days after her saying it to me (several times!) I can see what she means that by the time we get to that point where that becomes something we would consider, that so many of the prerequisites would already be fulfilled that it probably won't be the earth-shaking discussion but more like, "yeah, I expected it". It's weird to say it, but I think I'll enjoy seeing this develop and seeing her desires rise along with it.


Even now, I can say here and I've even told her, she needs a lover. I still think it's somewhat circumstantial as our ******** is still home and we are very still very much the 'mom and ***' but she needs a lover who can take her away from that and remind her of the pleasure she's felt in the past.

I do think that come next fall, once our home can return to being 'ours', that her desire for other men may decrease. Maybe we'll find equilibrium at that time that will be different from now but for right now, I admit that I don't give her everything she needs sexually. More because it's in her mind than in my cock (so to speak) but I guess it still is a need of hers that's grown over time (back to where it was?).

I have talked about the lightness in her step and the way her eyes and her body looked when she was seeing Robert regularly and I can now see that they are gone or reduced. Not that she's not happy or horny right now, quite the opposite, but I'm not sure if even she realizes what having a lover did for her.

A crazy thought I also have is whether some of that was because she was having Robert bare for so long and whether some of her disposition was chemically oriented but I also admit that's somewhat of a turn on for me to think about.

I feel about things between us, that going down this road may be scary and exciting, but I also don't feel the same sense of foreboding or fear for our relationship. If anything these past few months have been very revealing and have only reinforced my belief that we love each other in ways that are far beyond what she may do with other guys.

Sometimes I look back and cringe at what I've opened up and shared with her, but then after that feeling has passed, I often reflect and I'm amazed at how much of what I have buried in my head I will let out at times.

She must make me feel very secure to let me feel that I can tell her anything as she asks; maybe I don't convey that feeling of security often enough and I sometimes question the wisdom of letting all of this play out.


Heavy thoughts with which to end this book. Time to find a new one!

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