Journal of a Journey - Book 64

We've spent tonight over at Suzanna's parent’s house doing a bunch of stuff. Her *** is hanging in there which is nice to see. We were worried how he'd fare through the winter with limited mobility and all, but seems to be a tough old goat. In addition I think Suzanna's a bit preoccupied and having some issues with her mom getting old and with her hearing getting worse so she went off to bed early tonight.

We discussed a bit more about things and she did make it clear that she recognized the importance of still enjoying having sex with me. Part of that discussion included her openly saying that she never wants to cut me off totally from her and that we still need to connect physically as part of just who we are.

That was actually something that made me feel better overall, that there are some guidelines and 'backstops' so-to-speak. We talked a bit about later this year and she openly admitted that she was hoping that whoever her lover may be, if he's 'the one', that she would like him to be able to stay over at our house at times. She also added that she would want to do the same, perhaps spend one night a week with him at his place; she asked me how I would feel about that if she were to do so.

She was speaking hypothetically, but at the same time, I immediately realized that this would be a part of what she wants to experience as part of her 'affair'. I told her that it was much the same as the other things that unknown, that we would surely figure it out when it was time, but I admitted that it was unlikely that I ever tell her no.

She smiled and said that she hoped she'd never ask me for something that would make me feel conflicted and again said that if ever it was too much, that I needed to tell her so.

I asked her if she enjoyed denying me.

She was quiet for a moment and then said hesitantly, "yes" but then added, "only when I have another guy though" and then said things about how horny it made her feel to know she has a lover and she admitted that, much like me, that she can't fully explain how she feels. (I figured that having quite a bit of wine may have left her tongue-tied!) She then looked directly at me and said, and these were her exact words, that, "...it turns me on to let other guys fuck my 'married pussy'".

She tried to qualify that statement by saying she'd always thought that once she had a husband (aka 'me') whom she loved that he would be the only guy she'd have sex with again but now, she seemed to say, in very roundabout female logic, that she sort of feels differently and that it turns her on to know what she's doing.

I asked her how things were going with her latest thing of having an on-line pen-pal and whether she might find a guy by that route. She smiled and said it was good but told me that she hasn’t given him (I'm assuming it’s a guy!) any clues about her name or has an idea about her pen-pal's. I was aware she was doing this because when/if she is comfortable and has a good vibe she shares pictures but before she does so she insists on me editing them and blurring her face, so she too can be as discrete as she can be. She's done this before, mostly during the years we were working our way up to doing this for real, sometimes it was a 3-way email thing with me in the mix, other times it was more private with just her and him.

I understand the red-flags that are thrown up by what she said and that is why I pushed her a bit on the lusty-desire line and she admitted that was more in line with what she's wanting to experience. With all that she said, my feeling is that she wants to feel the desire, she wants to feel herself wanting him.

I didn't ask her the question of 'if I wasn't interested in denial' whether she would want to do so. I know she admitted to enjoying it, but again, her knowing it's something that turns me on is still part of the equation.

What I do want is to gain more clarity on where her own desires lie without taking mine into account. I think this denial thing plays up the intensity on her part as well as mine. She understands and feels the tension it brings between us, including when we do get together, and her admission of always wanting and needing that is something that I think may temper my view of the situation.

Maybe I have rose-colored glasses on, I don't know, but suffice to say that before we jump too far into the deep end of the pool, we will have many more talks about what is going on and what it may mean. That is the hardest part of all of this, not knowing who 'he' may be and what those dynamics will bring.

Some of what Suzanna's said I think shows what her awareness is of what's going on and what she wants. I've been using the term 'affair' because it's how she referred to it but perhaps 'fling', something short but hot, is more apt to describe what she's saying.

I love Suzanna and I am quite sure she loves me, there would just be no way for us to even talk openly like we are able to at times if there wasn't some sense of bonding between us. I think as long as the rest of our lives stay intact and that we reconnect at times, I don't see how I can say no right now but, as I said, there's a lot of time and distance between now and then.

I should also add that Suzanna was pretty clear that her pen-pal wasn't going to be her next lover and, at least from what she said to me and how she said it, that they are very much two different people. I think that is counter to what she wants to feel with the guy she wants to have this fling with. Maybe I'm wrong.

As I said, this isn't her first erotic-pen-pal partner so I'm not worried about it at all. I trust Suzanna enough that if there was something she wanted or was going to do, that she'd be honest with me. Why wouldn't she be? I have no reason to not trust her, not when I can feel how she is when we are talking together.

I'll end by saying that tonight we sort of plotted out the rest of our ski-trips and we have at least 2 more weekends planned so it won't be until the end of March when I think her thoughts will turn more intently to finding her next partner. I'm actually surprised at her being so enthusiastic about getting get out to ski. Perhaps my gift of new equipment and a snowy winter have helped.


She surprised me again last night!

When I came into the bedroom for our alone-time she was in the bathroom. I lay on the bed waiting for her and a minute later she came out naked. I am still getting used to seeing all of her so I just stared intently at her and she giggled when she saw the lump grow in my sweatpants. She made a motion with her head and I knew what it meant so as she climbed onto the bed next to me I was busy pulling off my clothes.

I thought maybe we were going to have sex straightaway but as she lay next to me she giggled and said, "let’s have some fun" and she sort of turned herself and lay next to me with her head more towards my waist and laid there spreading her legs and letting me see her pussy in all its glory. When I reached over to touch her she said, "you should just watch and enjoy" and with that she again reached into the nightstand and pulled out the bottle of lubricant. I swear my cock jumped when she grabbed it and started to stroke me.

She lay there and spreading her legs far apart teased me, "you like thinking about Tony fucking me, huh?" and as she teased her clit and I could see her pussy open and spasm. At other points she ran her finger all around the opening to her pussy and again she teased saying, "you miss seeing his cum in me don't you baby?".

I was totally mesmerized at watching her and seeing how she'd lay with her pussy and then would say teasing stuff like, "mmmm, I love feeling him push into me". I was responding with comments of my own a bit at first but then all I could seem to do was to moan in response. There was no need for me to say anything, she could tell just what was happening from how my cock felt in her hand.

She started to tell me how big and hard I felt and she'd move her hand so slowly teasing me that, "I can tell you want to cum baby don't you?” I could see her pussy was getting wetter and wetter the more she played with herself and the more she teased me.

I guess she knew I was close when she said stuff about how she wants her next lover to 'fuck me so good' and I started to really thrust up into her hand. She started to talk more about her next lover and how horny she gets when she thinks about it and I was so close from how she was talking; it was really getting to me. I was totally taken by looking at her fingers teasing her pussy and at some points reaching in and spreading her wetness all around.

She started to finger-fuck herself and at the same time started to really stroke me deeply and firmly. I started to moan and she looked up at me and moaned at how horny it made her to think about her lover fucking her. I felt my climax begin to overwhelm me when she said, "Just think, how are you going to be if this is all you have for a while?"

It struck me immediately that she was actually saying that at some point in time in the future that feeling her hand on my cock might be all I have from her. I guess it was both the surprise and the arousal from what she said that made me grunt and literally explode all over her hand. As she pumped out each spurt from my cock through my partly closed eyes I could see her fingers deep in her pussy and a second later her legs slammed tightly around her hand as she moaned and her grip on my cock eased.

When we'd both come back to our senses she gave a moan as she moved up to lie next to me and kiss me. She cooed in my ear how hot that was for her to feel me cum like that. I moaned in agreement with her and then she kissed me and said, "that turned you on, huh?"

I was quiet for a second and then, I think reluctantly, I moaned back, "uh huh".

She kissed me and said in a sexy voice that, "we'll have lots of fun with that in the future baby". She lifted her head and picked up my now limp cock and she said softly, "oh my, look how much you came!”

I had to agree, there had to be 6 or 7 thick ropes of cum, some landing on my chest and close to my neck. She didn't say anything more but I know that it was obvious she'd struck a nerve with what she'd said. She giggled and said, "you want it?" and I knew what she was asking so I nodded yes as I know she enjoys it. She started to push my cum together into a big puddle and then scooped it up and brought it to my mouth. After each time I licked her fingers clean she'd lean in and French kiss with me.

I'd like to say we talked about more but I think, without saying it, that we both knew that we would be talking more about this at some point in the future and, again, putting words and thoughts into her head, we both know that nothing is fully planned yet and that, as we've said, we'll cross the bridges when we come to them.

I will say that I feel much more relaxed in general about this and that I think we're both on the same page, or at least in the same book! I think my admission and acceptance of my desire to let her find an alpha-guy and that I want to be the beta-male for her was in my head.


I think we're still quite a way away as she says she hasn't even started to look for another guy yet.

I do think, if she finds the alpha guy she's hoping for, that it will rise to that eventually. I am already sort of mentally preparing myself for being the beta but at the same time I know that if it does happen, from what she's said and what we've talked about, that it won't be for that long. Some of what she's said included things like, "how long could I really do it for anyway....", so I'm thinking that she's tempered the level of her fantasies a bit more towards reality. As I said, her change to viewing this as lusty-desire instead of falling-in-love with 'him' is already a reflection of that.

While we haven't talked about it in detail, in my head, the progression of how things will go seems obvious which is why I am enjoying all the time I can as being her alpha-guy. I sense the same thing in her for when we make love, we linger and seem to be more focused on feeling each other closely. I know for me it's partly that I know I'll be giving that up at some point as I'm quite sure she'll ask me to return to using condoms with her somewhere along the route. It's actually a very interesting feeling, to be aware of that and to think about just how wonderful she feels.


Late last night as I lay next to her, I was horny again (even after a quickie on Friday night!) It was like 2am and thinking she was asleep I sort of slipped down my boxers and I started to gently stroke my cock. I wasn't sure if I was going to cum or not but I was so hard and horny.

She rolled over after a few minutes and kissed me and said that I was making her horny when she realized what I was doing. I apologized for waking her up and sort of lost my hard-on as I touched her and she rolled towards me and snuggled up. She asked me what was making me so horny and when I hesitated a bit she kissed me gently and said, "you can tell me anything, go on, tell me".

I told her that I had woken up and was thinking about how she'd be when she finds her next boyfriend. She murmured, "mmm, and?" I told her that I loved thinking about how she'd been when she started to get excited about Robert and how I was turned on thinking of her getting all horny for a new guy. It was late at night and while I could have surely gotten it hard again, I also didn't necessarily want to cum as I knew she and I wanted some time later that night (Sunday night).

She snuggled into me a bit more and said again, ".. go on, you can tell me".

I told her that it turned me on to think of when she'd first have sex with him and how excited she'd be. I paused for a moment and then said, "I was thinking about how it'd be when you tell me you are ready to have him go bare with you". She moaned a bit more loudly at that and giggled a tiny bit and said, "you know I miss that" and I told her that was also what was in my head, that I missed the feeling and knowing it too.

She reached upwards and touched my face and pulled me to her and we kissed. When she was done she put her hand on mine and moved it away from my cock and said, "let’s save the rest of this for tonight ..." and then she pulled my boxers back up and said, "... let’s save him too for tomorrow".

Well, it's now 'tomorrow' and she's just gone out shopping with our ******** but I couldn't help openly staring at her as she came out of the shower and dried herself off in front of the mirror. I swear her pussy lips seemed a little swollen and engorged and I wondered if she'd had a little fun in the shower herself under the warm water.


I've always enjoyed our Wednesday nights, ever since it felt like it was a time when we could open up and talk pretty freely, it's always been something I enjoy and I've always known Suzanna enjoyed watching me so that part has always worked.

I'd always associated 'milking' to be something that gave relief physically but not sexually, that is, meaning it drained you well but you didn't orgasm with it. Suzanna is definitely into the orgasm part as she thoroughly enjoys knowing what she's doing to me and she does enjoy giving me pleasure. She's never expressed any desire to deny me pleasure and I've never felt that desire either, which I suppose is why the whole chastity thing doesn't appeal to either of us.

It'll sound weird to say it but in a way I want to get to where I'm using condoms with her because she wants me to. Even now, it seems strange but it was intensely satisfying for me in a way that I can't describe. I think it combined both the physical part where I longed to feel her more intimately, but it also gave me the mental part where it totally turned me on to know that I was, in effect, agreeing and enjoying that she would only go bare with her lover. I don't know why that turns me on as it does, but I will no longer deny that perhaps it is the most intense part of it all for me. I'll add that knowing what it will mean when (if?) it moves beyond condoms, what that will also mean in terms of what she wants.

It seems like lately Suzanna's been putting a little more humiliation into her teasing at times, just a little, and there have been points where I might have said I enjoy her peppering things up a bit but I'm just not sure how far she would go with the humiliation thing. I suppose as with everything else, it's going to depend on who the guy is and what he's thinking and wanting too. I did clean her up a few times when she was with Dan and I admit it made me feel self-conscious but she said she wanted it and he was actually, thinking back, pretty good about it too (perhaps reflecting Suzanna's desires about it) and again when she was seeing Ray so I guess the answer would be that as long as it wasn't too extreme, I don't think I'd be upset about it.

I should end by adding that while we did have sex last night, it was more vanillia-ish and between both of us being tired and horny, there wasn't much teasing or discussion about much. I suspect she was enjoying the thoughts in her head as she was quite wet (as I'd expected from how she was earlier) and I had my own thoughts that propelled me along. Still, in the end she again relished me holding her knees back and apart when I came deeply in her and I will openly admit that again I felt her body shake and I heard her moan deeply just as I came in her. I don't know why it turns me on so that at some point she'll only feel that moment with her lover, but it does, I stayed hard all through her shaking and moaning and my last few thrusts lubricated my my cum really made her quiver beneath me as I felt her hold me tightly.


We’re actually going away early tomorrow morning to head up to NY State to ski for the weekend. We found a good deal on lodging and decided on the spur of the moment to get away. As I said, she's very into getting back into skiing this winter.

There isn't a lot to tell and work has just been insanely busy that I stayed late both yesterday and tonight, I knew it was coming and that's also why Suzanna was also interested in going as she thought it'd be good for me to take my mind off things.

Despite work already ramping up I find that I always look forward to Wednesdays and this week was no exception. She did tease me about Tony and I think Suzanna is feeling me out about what turns me on and what doesn't. As we talked I could feel her exploring and fingering my butt while she and I stroked each other. She's done that to me before and I guess sometimes it can feel okay but other times, I guess it's just not so good. It was the latter this past Wednesday. She teased me that she didn't have to worry about me running off with a guy on her and really got my attention when she sucked me back to full-mast!

She told me that she wanted to see Tony again and I am sure she could tell the idea turned me on. Is it weird to say that I miss knowing she is fucking someone else? I told her that I thought it'd be hot if she did and then came home like last time. She giggled and teased me a little bit more with kind of a mommy-sound, "awww, do you miss me sharing my pussy baby?" Another time she said, "I miss it too, I miss how I feel afterwards....”

I'd like to say that there were other revelations or something new but there wasn't. Her teasing escalated along with my arousal. When she told me again how she hoped she'd have a boyfriend when our ******** goes off to college in another 6 months (wow, the time is flying), how she again wants him to spend more time at our house (which I knew meant overnight), then she said it again, that she wanted to spend some nights at his place.

I guess I responded to that because she seized on it and started to really tease me. "You know, I'll have to leave some of my stuff there .... It'll be fun waking up with him sometimes" but when she started to tell me how, in her head, she could see herself, "getting ready for bed with him and then climbing in naked ..." she had me going but then she immediately added, "... and him fucking me before we fall asleep". Wow, I was shooting off like a rocket.

She moaned loudly and put her hand on mine as I stroked out the last spurt and then she ran her finger up from the bottom to the tip like I'd shown her so as to draw out every last drop. Feeling her fingers stroke all the way to the very tip always makes me shiver. She commented on how sometimes it seems like I cum a lot more than at other times. Apparently Wednesday was also one of those nights in that she scooped up more and more semen off of my stomach and let me lick it from her fingers.

We packed everything up earlier tonight and she let me see that she was taking several of her toys including 'Jim' as well as another dildo and a few tubes of lubricant. She kissed me before bed and reminded me how horny she gets after having a drink after skiing all day so I'm still basking in my alpha-sunshine for the time being.


Our weekend was spectacular, our worry about the snow turned out to be naught as the forecast storm ran much further south and we avoided the bitter cold. Conditions were remarkably good and we looked forward to hitting the slopes in Vermont as there's still another month or more of snow to come.

I would love to share that there were dramatic new revelations, but alas, there is not. I will share that on Saturday afternoon Suzanna called it a day about 45 minutes before me and said she'd meet me in the lodge. I knew I'd either find her huddled up in a corner reading a book on her Kindle or, as proved the case, that I'd find her at the bar.

So, I come walking in and scan the bar and there she is, sitting on the far side having quite a nice chat with what appeared to be an older guy, certainly +10 years on us. She introduced us briefly and he said he had to be going anyway so I took his seat and ordered myself a beer. Suzanna was pleasantly buzzed and when I joked that, "was he trying to pick you up?" she giggled and said that she was sure he was heading that way but hadn't done so yet, "I think you scared him off!"

As I said earlier, skiing, being out in the fresh air all day gets her very horny. I can recall many times when we were dating and early in our relationship when we'd duck out of going to the bars when we'd be skiing with other friends and we'd stay in the room and fuck all night long. So I knew what the evening would bring.

It's just pretty much a part of our normal repertoire now that she'll tease me and get me all horny but Saturday, I reminded her of the guy at the bar and asked her if she was, "interested in an older guy?”

She was quiet for a bit and then said that she'd been thinking about it, not just because of earlier but just in general, wondering if maybe that would be the kind of guy who'd give her the experience she wants. She was probably heading down that road until I said something about wondering how he'd perform with her or, more likely, that, "you'll wear him out!"

That comment caused our short conversation to centre on how my own performance has admittedly sagged in recent years. In the not so distant past, twice one night and again the next day wasn't such a crazy idea but now, I admit that I'd probably need a bit of convincing and encouragement to be up for the second day and I asked her if that was really who she wanted?

We talked a bit about who she enjoyed being with most and she said almost without a thought that she still liked how she felt with Peter and then she smiled and said, "of course, Robert".

I looked at her and said that I thought she knew a lot more about herself when she was with Robert and she said something about regretting how she'd let herself get into Peter back then. The point of all that was that both Peter and Robert were younger than Dan and Ray as comparison in terms of age. She giggled and said I was right, "what I want, I guess, is a younger guy".

That came back later on when we were in bed together and she began to tease me about 'enjoying a younger guy'. She was getting herself off as she was getting to me. It was very intense to feel her talk to me as I was fucking her and to feel her get wetter and more responsive. At some point I realized I could feel it in her pussy before she'd come out and say it to me, as if she was thinking about it first and then telling me her thoughts. I felt her pussy spasm, closing tightly and then opening wide, as she played up and wondering, "just how much a young guy can cum....”

Feeling her body like that made me think of how she must feel on Wednesday nights when she does it to me. I actually held my arousal at bay for a few moments to try to stay mentally intact to see what I could feel next and what she'd say. More so, what could I say back to her to keep it going. I could feel how huge my cock felt in her as I felt her body twist and writhe beneath me at times as I responded to her teases. Finally, neither of us could hold back as she'd say something like, "I need to feel him fucking me" and I'd groan back, "I want you to cum with him". Ultimately our teases led to her locking her legs around my back and pulling me deep into her when I did finally cum.

It was only when we were done that we both realized we'd fucked like animals without needing to use any lubricant. I told her about skiing always making her horny and she giggled and hugged. As we lay there she looked up towards me and when I asked her, "what?"

She smiled and said, "you know, without any lube you could go down on me if you wanted".

I looked at her and said what I always say, "is that what you'd like?” Her smile left me no doubt and a second later she was eagerly spreading her legs at which point she gently teased me and asked me more stuff including if I was ready to share her pussy again. I joked that Tony still gets a little piece of ass and she giggled and said, "you know what I mean...."

When I started to pull her open with my fingers so I could push my tongue into her a bit she moaned and asked me if I was ready to, "taste another guy in me?” I knew already but licking at her reminded me that I was pretty spent from the first go-round but I also knew, I could just feel it, that if I kept going and was a little more forceful, I could easily get her to cum again. So I accepted my own challenge and sure enough, maybe 5-10 minutes later, the orgasm I induced in her brought forth a large dribble of my own cum.


I think I've been pretty aware of the journey all along the way. I think it's been an amazing experience for me. Looking back at it, some of the things I placed so much emphasis and 'value' on turned out to be not so, but that's all more than made up for how I feel about Suzanna now compared to back then. Perhaps 'respect' is a good word, as I believe I really see that our lives together are about more than just sex whether it's between us or her with another guy.

My recent revelations and admissions have only made me feel even better and in many ways, seems to have satiated my curiosity and desires, or at least provided me with the feeling I have been seeking. I could have never envisioned we would move in the direction we did, but it has shown me that my earliest values and emphasis were misplaced and were, I guess, maybe my way of trying to cover up that I've wanted to feel like the beta-male for her for a long time now.

I wish I understood more of my desires but I'm not willing to pay to talk to someone about it despite my curiosity. I will say that our communication, our ability to talk about anything (and I do mean anything) has become very easy and relaxed. That has certainly extended outside just our bedroom and sex; it was a huge help when her *** was ill and we needed to be able to say what needed to be said. It's helped in the past few years in that we're able to speak coherently to our ********, many times, as one voice.

I believe we're looking to get at least one more ski-weekend in maybe next month and then, I teased Suzanna about doing some 'spring skiing' this year as the slopes will be open well into April. I can tell from our talk when we were away this weekend that she feels the conflict but also knows that the snow will be gone soon enough and she's made it no doubt that she will find another guy.

Is it crazy to say that made me smile?


I have a million thoughts in my head right now starting last night when I was horny and definitely looking forward to our weekly fun. She was very playful last night but teased me many times about sharing her and more. It escalated as she again tweaked it up a little bit and she started to share her own thoughts and admitting that she was missing having another guy on a more regular basis.

She actually asked me if I was enjoying being the 'alpha'. It felt weird to hear her saying it to me, but again, she just seemed to have this calmness about her as if she was asking about the weather.

I nodded and then she asked me, "Do you still want to be the 'beta'?"

She was lying next to me and just had on her long night-shirt and I could clearly see her nipples were hard as she was talking to me. She told me that she thought it was sexy that I wanted to let her do stuff with other guys and she repeated and asked me if I really wanted to be the beta guy again.

Maybe it's all the time these past few weeks really knowing that it's awesome sex between us (I'm sure someone heard us last Saturday night as there were others in other condos next door!) but I think I felt a little reluctance at first to answer. She sat up and pulled off her night shirt and lay back down next to me and she ran her hand across my chest and then down towards my cock. As she reached for it she kissed my neck and my cheek and almost whispered, "you can tell me anything baby." A second later she asked me again if I wanted to be her 'beta guy'.

I held her other hand in mine tightly as I gave in and said yes.

She gave my hand a squeeze and asked me what I was thinking about and I told her that it excited me that she wanted me to do it.

Again she openly said how she missed the intimacy she'd share with her boyfriend; the excitement; the fun; the pleasure and she said it I was stroking my own cock as she told me how she hoped she'd find a hot young guy who could, as she put it, "make me moan". Talk about striking a nerve, it was just the way she said it that hit me and, my god, could I feel a huge load brewing.

I told her that I loved these last two months with us sort of going back to normal, and I guess saying yes to her earlier question just made it easier for me to say that I wanted to again feel her wanting another man for sex. She knew I was horny and I think she was too. She wouldn't admit it but I could feel her next to me and she has this feel to her as she gets horny, her breasts get taut, her nipples will get almost obscenely hard and she tends to get this flushed look and a slight sheen of sweat around her forehead.

I moaned that I loved how she felt when she'd let me have sex with her when she'd get home. Her response was a deep moan and then a giggle about, "how slutty I am ..... you know ..... letting two different men cum in me ... Oh dear, what am I like?” It was in a sexy sarcastic tone but nonetheless it brought a huge groan out of me and again I swear I felt a twinge pass over her again.

She teased me that maybe she shouldn't be so slutty and she almost seemed to try to keep a straighter voice but with a clear sexy overtone when she said, "maybe when it's time to let him go bare, that'll be when you go back to condoms?" and then in that sexy sarcastic voice, "... what do you think baby?"

I didn't need to answer her as my stiff cock and the pre-cum now oozing out gave her the answer she needed to hear. She continued to taunt, ".. come on, tell me, what do you think baby? I know it turns you on to know that only my lover is cumming in me....”

Her teasing was really having the desired effect as I was getting closer and closer and I swear I could feel her moving around such that I am quite sure she was somehow enhancing her own fun. I know that it was virtually involuntary but as she teased me she eventually led up to asking me what I thought of her pussy just being for her lover that I started to cum. She teased me about how turned on that made me as she told me how horny it made her to think about it too. As she talked I could feel spurt after spurt of cum landing on my chest and stomach then she went quiet except for a moan that told me she having some sort of orgasm of her own.

When she rose up on one elbow and sort of surveyed my body she giggled and said in the most loving compassionate voice, "it's okay that it turns you on honey, I love you more than anything" and then she leaned in and kissed me passionately. I wanted to maybe talk a little more but I felt her fingers playing with my cum and knew she wanted to share it with me.


We didn't talk much more last night; I know that I was feeling somewhat *******, revealed and that I needed a little time to again think about shifting gears. We started to talk a bit more tonight but the phone rang and then one thing turned into another and that was that, but we did lie in bed for a little while earlier and she said she was tired and that we'd have time over a bottle of wine to talk more tomorrow night (Friday).

I lay there next to her and I guess she must have realized I wasn't falling asleep because she turned her head towards me and said, "go on down to the office and have some fun and get yourself tired out .... ". As I started to get out of bed she murmured from under the cover, " ... and be quiet when you come back in"!

That kind of killed the moment; I was horny before but now after taking a little time to complete my thoughts, I decided that maybe I was feeling quite tired myself so I decided to 'save myself' for her and rolled over and dropped off to sleep myself.


Not much to share, we even passed up on our Wednesday night ritual this week as we're leaving mid-day tomorrow to grab another weekend skiing now that a March snowstorm has readied the slopes for us. Even I am impressed at Suzanna's desire to hit the slopes as much as she is. She's even talked about yet another weekend if the weather stays favourable.

So instead last night was spent her doing laundry and me paying bills .... amongst other things. She did still give me some alone-time which I enjoyed but upon re-entering the bedroom I had the distinct sense that she too had her fun. The drawer in the nightstand where she keeps her toys was open a tiny bit; the bed seemed strangely neater than it should have been and there was a distinct smell of soap in the bathroom which I recognised as being from her cleaning up her toys (smelled it before). Coupled to that was she wasn't yet ready for bed and then there was the look in her eyes that I am now able to see more easily.


Tomorrow will be more of the alpha-me. It's not as big a conflict as I might have thought it to be, me resuming the alpha role. I clearly still have the incredible desire to return to the cuckold-fold but, for the time being, we are both enjoying things.

In some ways, feeling the intensity of the sex between us is also intensifying my desire for her to feel that with another guy. I can't explain it fully but, as crazy as it sounds, the more I feel her slip into this post-orgasmic bliss as I cum in her, the more I want her to have that with her lover.


Suzanna has decided to cool things with Tony for a while. She says she doesn't want to lead him on or anything like that but I think her real reason is that it lessens her desire to seek out her next boyfriend.

We've talked about total denial and she's again said that it's not something in the near future and that, I can't remember exactly how she's said it, but that by the time it becomes something she might be considering, that she doesn't think it'll be a surprise. As she explained it, that for her to want that would mean she'd have not only found a guy she'd really want to do it with, but that it isn't something that she'd just decide overnight. She's essentially promised it'd be something we'd talk about just as we did when she brought up using condoms with her. I suppose she's right as when she did finally come out and ask for that, she'd long given me enough signals and such. At the time of using condoms, again here she said the same thing, "you'll know in plenty of time to enjoy me".


I don't specifically know what she's thinking about where she'll find her next partner. While work remains an obvious place, I think she's sensitive to perhaps that being a bit too much again to be so 'close to home'. That may also be behind her reluctance with Tony and her shirking away from going out as much as she used to, even for just one drink after work.

I reminded her that everyone knows she's skiing more this year and also that we've had a heck of a snowy and cold winter that I doubted attendance at the revelry was down from its high point last summer/fall. She's mentioned that maybe she might be checking out some online websites even though she had earlier sworn off 'arranging' things like that; I know she'd prefer spontaneity over scheduled. I told her that I would like to know about anything like that if she does it and she agreed.

To be honest, we've talked about a lot of things including how she think things may progress. She said she'll use condoms with him at first until she's sure of her feelings for him and progressed to a point when she wants to increase the intimacy with him.

I can tell you that it is a totally crazy feeling to hear your wife say something like that.

She said that she'd want to make sure he's safe before she would want to go bare with him.

I wasn't surprised when she said that she thought that might be two or so months time.

It was a crazy conversation after that point where she started to talk about how she'd need to feel about him that would lead her to want me to start to use condoms again. In reality, where the conversation went was that if she felt that desire and that if things continued on that pace, that she felt that would be when she might begin to think towards wanting more.

A lot depends on who she finds and when. We'll have an empty-nest come September so in her scheming subconscious, perhaps she'd look to time things so that date corresponds to a milestone in her denial desires.

I can almost see her subconsciously scheming such that she'll ask for my return to condoms in late August into September......


... and that's another book filled!