Journal of a Journey - Book 59

Several times now I've gone back and looked at my earlier journals and identified when it was that I began acting on these desires, the situations with her IUD and beginning to use condoms. How I didn't recognize it then I don't know but re-reading what I encouraged her to do only reinforces my acceptance of what I have become. She knows I am glad I encouraged her as I did and now she understands a bit more of it too. I feel that same rush, that same intense sexual thrill, that same shiver up my back each time we use a condom together. I do love how she looks at me and seeing her enjoyment of it and, whether she knows it or not, her agreement and desire for me to do so, it is so much of what makes it more intense. I love knowing that she knows and understands that I want her to have that sexual moment only with her lover. To hear her tell me that it's been 40+ times that she's been with him, it is even more intense to think about.

My god my cock is hard after spilling all of that, no doubt of what else I'll be doing and spilling out shortly!


Suzanna did come home just about 7:30pm and we had a short period of hugging and kissing with me sort of calming her down a bit. She was a little emotional at it may be having been her last time spending a lot of time with Robert but after the hugs she warmed up and as we kissed she looked at me and asked if I wanted to 'go upstairs' with her.

I was totally surprised as I thought she'd be in a 'hands-off' mood but when we got upstairs she undressed down to her panties and lay on the bed. When I had done the same I laid next to her and we kissed again and she said, "you can have me if you want" and something about wanting to share the 'last time' with Robert. (She later admitted that she hoped and even expected to see him again as he intimated he too wasn't ready to 'leave her sweet pussy behind'.)

I was so nervous as I felt the sense of a 'first-date' sweep over me when I slid her panties off and revealed her beautiful body in all its splendour. I immediately saw that even with her legs together that her pussy was swollen and quite reddened as was her whole mound around it. I knelt eagerly between her legs as she slowly and very seductively spread them in front of me. Oh my god, she looked just so beautiful.

She smiled as I looked down on her and said that he'd been very physical with her most of the day and admitted to them fucking for hours on and off. As she spread her legs more the swollen outer lips parted and revealed her gorgeous recently-fucked pussy. In the 10 seconds it took for her to spread her legs, a small dribble of cum began to appear inside her.

I was besides myself and she giggled as I paused to just look over her whole body and appreciate her. She looked up at me and just said, "you really can have me baby".... and a second later said, "... you can have me but just don't suck it all out of me." Her giggle turned into a loud laugh as I literally DOVE into her tongue first.

Oh my god, all I could taste was sex; her sweetness mixed with the undeniable taste of his cum. She let me lick all over including pushing my tongue up into her gaping pussy. I didn't suck at her, I didn't need to, already the budding orgasm I was giving her swept over her and her climax caused her pussy to contract rewarding me with a gush of very wet and sweet tasting cum.

I swear I nearly came as my cock throbbed as I licked around. It surprised me how quickly she reached her first orgasm but as I felt her hand on the back of my head gently, I knew she wanted me to take her there and so I did. That gentle orgasm swirled into a moment of moaning and writhing on the bed that turned me on incredibly.

It was the first time she'd let me truly go down on her in months and months after she'd come home and it made me realize I missed it so much! Even though my cock was dying for attention, I was totally consumed with consuming her. I pushed her legs back and apart and she made no resistance as I licked and sucked and flicked at her clit and she became more and more intensely aroused. I knew that what she really wanted was to have a deep orgasm with me at that moment so I brought my fingers in and I probed her stretched pussy as I licked. I thought she might complain at having my fingers so deep in her especially when I pulled them back and brought forth more of the cum that he'd left in her but she didn't, she just kept making those sexy moans.

It was weird, at one point I actually considered whether I wanted to fuck her or to let her enjoy the oral-sex with me and maybe for me to wait but that wasn't to be. When I came up after she'd calmed down from her huge orgasm she looked at me and again said, "you can have me if you want".

I don't think I've ever put a condom on so quickly but I was halfway through when I realized that she hadn't said I needed to use one, I just did it automatically! However, when I looked at her and saw that same smile as always, I knew she was happy I was using one.

It had been so long since I'd fucked her so soon after she'd been with Robert and for a moment I think I forgot I even had the condom on. I pushed into her she moaned deeply and pulled her knees back and I immediately realized just how wet and open she was as I slid in effortlessly. She moaned as I bottomed out in her and I will admit that the sensation of only feeling her through the condom somehow totally excited me. My god she was so wet and open as we started fucking and I was able to plunge in and out of her with ease. She giggled at me and said something about his cum being a good lubricant.

I knew it wasn't going to take me long to cum though and she knew it too. She started to tease me w,ith "come on baby and fill the rubber up" and as I got closer she must have realized that I wanted her to tease me more and she said, "he made me cum a lot today." That got me going but when she started to tell me how she felt giving herself to him one last time and how she said she held him in her until he fell-out, I was sooo close. That was when she looked up at me and said, “you’ll get to feel me that way next month baby." Wow, that bought me right to the edge. I can't remember what she said exactly but it included something about her telling me to, "think about him feeling me bare inside". That did it; I moaned loudly and even she moaned as I thrust into her those last few times. She knew I was cumming and held me close and said again how I'll get to feel her next month.


My cock is still a little numb from the intensity last night. There was more that was said and I'm sure, quite sure, that more will be said tonight as even though I'm pleasantly satisfied from last night. The thought of being with her again tonight and of her maybe/probably sharing more is something I'd want for sure.

I got home little early and I'll get dinner started in a little bit to pave the way for tonight.


I want to say for sure that I am loving the role I'm assuming with her. The things she said and the way she was last night, it was just perfect. Feeling her but knowing that I wasn't feeling her, I can't describe how horny it made me. I looked down at her legs spread and my cock in her and I could see the ring of the condom at the base of my cock and in my head it was just intense to know that I wasn't truly feeling her and, even more so, that Robert had felt her, all day!

I could feel the slipperiness and the warmth deep in her but I couldn't feel the wetness and that thought drove me insane with desire. When I did finally cum, knowing the condom would keep it all in and keep it from her, I know it is one of the thoughts that pushed me over the edge. Even now a day later I surely miss feeling her so intimately but at the same time I can still remember how intense my orgasm was and that feeling is enough for me.

If this is being a sub then that is surely what I am. Why I want this, I don't know, it is an eerie feeling to have found something that touches me so deeply like this does.


I don't know exactly how it came up but I mentioned to her that it felt like another 'first date' for us on Tuesday night and I reminded her how it felt to get the girl home and not totally know what I'd find beneath her clothes and how she'd be sexually, etc.

That led to a bit of a discussion that got me horny when she said that we should maybe run with that and kind of play up that each time we get together. She said that maybe we'd be like boyfriend/girlfriend and that she could be (and she mentioned it, not me) like we were when we first met. She giggled a little and said again how she remembered she was still having sex with other guys when we first started to date. I was already stroking my cock as we talked about this. I reminded her that I always went bare with her back then and she said something like, "I was always having to clean up" or something like that. She said that maybe we should play it and proceeded to tell me that from now until Christmas, she'll play up that 'maybe soon' I'll get to go bare with her!

When she saw that this was really hitting the mark for me (maybe by my moaning or just how rigid my cock was) she played it up more and more and at some point getting me to tell her how horny I'm going to be waiting for then. She teased about her wanting to wait for the 'right moment' with me but then teasing more that sometimes 'how bad' she is with other guys. She like started to tease me openly about how Robert had cum in her on Tuesday and I told her that it turned me on that he'd done that to her and that I hadn't yet.

I know it may not seem like much but it was definitely a sexy kind of teasing. As it went on she turned to me and said, "you really want to wait don't you?” I didn't know if she was still in this role-playing thing or whether she was asking me outright but my answer was the same 'yes'. She told me when I said that, that she still couldn't totally understand how that turned me on to 'give that up with me'.

I answered her honestly and said that it was part of what I'd wanted, to be the beta for her. I didn't use those actual words but she got my meaning and she held me and said, "you really want that don't you".

We had a poignant moment right then. I told her yes and I held her and said that I couldn't explain it but that it was what I wanted and I simply said that I, "wanted to do my part". She kissed me and I think there might have been a tear in her eye as she hugged me. When we broke the kiss and hug, her mood had lightened and she looked down towards my cock and giggled at how hard I was and she smiled at me and just simply said, "okay".

I can't say for sure but I think it might have been a defining moment because in the next few minutes she turned up the heat for sure! She started to tease me more in this sarcastic voice, "awww, are you missing feeling me baby?" I felt her move closer next to me and she continued, "Did you like knowing Robbie had cum in me yesterday? ..... you know it was like 3 times ..... that's 3 more times than you have.....". Just the sound alone in her voice as she said that was enough to make me rock hard but hearing her say it so sexily and playfully, it was crazy! (And to think I was concerned about getting it up again after Tuesday night!)

She cooed in my ear, "I loved you putting on your rubber yesterday" (what she call condoms) and then she added, ".. because I didn't want you to cum in me". She said more but I was so taken with what she'd already said that my head was spinning. The next thing that I actually heard from her was something like, "Only Robert is allowed, that's just for Robert". That was it, I spurted and spurted and spurted. It even brought an 'oooh' from Suzanna at the suddenness and intensity.

I was totally spent after that, I just kind of laid there for a moment breathing deeply. As I lay there she moved up next to my head and kissed my cheek and said, "This really turns me on baby" and a moment later as she started to play with and feed me my cum she again said, "let’s have some fun with this baby".


Things are still on schedule for us over the Christmas-New Year holiday. We talked more about her and Robert and she said that while their regular schedule might change, she did say that they'd agreed that either of them might contact the other. Suzanna said it's one of the first times she can remember where she actually would want to call him for sex. I wasn't sure what she'd meant and she said that Robert is one of the first guys who she would probably always want more sex with. She giggled, looked at me and said I had no one to blame but myself, that she likes having him as a lover and that she'd probably always want to be with him. What she said was that she knew it was going to happen sooner or later and she even speculated that maybe it's how she's feeling that helped me admit what I did.

She wondered if it was what she was doing and feeling/wanting with Robert that led me to admit what I did about myself and what I wanted. She said that she'd been thinking that maybe I felt good about the two of them and maybe it all felt right that I could let myself finally tell her what I did. She looked at me and said, "I know all of this stuff with the condoms really turns you on" then she held my hand and told me that it really turned her on too.

It was obvious she'd wanted to talk about all of this and that again, the timing was right so that this time, she felt like she could talk openly. She said that for her, all of this has brought back to her feelings of excitement and eagerness for me. She said that as crazy as it is, that she finds herself feeling horny for me, knowing because I'll use a condom with her.

She says she orgasms like crazy with me but said that I should know that she doesn't feel it all. As she said it, she added that it makes her want to find another guy. She kissed me and said that I should know that it makes her want to find another guy to give her the one moment, the one feeling that she feels almost a longing for when we're done.

She kissed me again and asked me if that was what I wanted; to make her want that and to make her want it with another guy if I won't. I know it was a bit of playing up the intensity of the moment but she came out and said that she misses the feeling of her man cumming in her. She said that, "only my main man, 'my primary sexual partner', can give me that".

I'm sure she said it and played it up for my arousal and edification but I also know that she is speaking the truth.

As we started to make love and I entered her with the condom on I became very aware of how she felt but also morewhat I couldn't feel. Granted, once we were really going at it, it didn't make all that much difference as the polyurethane condoms are very thin and, my god, did she squeal with pleasure many times. As we got into a rhythm she smiled up at me and she could feel that I needed to cum; she always says that my cock begins to feel thicker and gets a firmness to it that she can long tell means I really need it. She giggled and said, "you know, maybe in another few weeks, you know, you can do without this" and she grasped at the condom on my cock. I moaned in response to her touch and she said, "that way you can be like the other guys I see who I trust and don't need to use one".

She looked up at me and saw the look on my face from what she was saying and that was when she tied it all together, she moaned and said, "then you can really make me cum at the end".

I was moaning and groaning but what was even more arousing was just how wet and open her pussy felt. Even with the condom on I could feel her response to her own fantasies and her own words. I fucked her as deeply and firmly as I could as she pushed back up at me each time. She held her own knees back and way apart for me and I could feel her on the verge of a huge orgasm as she moaned back and said, "oh god I wish I could feel your cum in me" and with that she started to moan and shake. That was it, I plunged in deeply and started to cum. I seemed to time each thrust with another spurt and it felt awesome to feel and hear her respond.

It felt like it lasted for minutes. I know it was seconds but then again, by the time we both caught our breath and ended our post-fuck hug, it seemed like it was forever. I pulled back a bit and she moaned and quickly slid her hand down to grasp the condom that would have otherwise slid off my softened cock as I pulled out of her. She moaned as I pulled free and both of us looked down at what I thought was an obscene amount of cum in the condom. Her eyes closed for a second as she pulled it off of me and held it in her hand and she pinched the tip with her fingers. When they opened again she put the wet condom aside and pulled me in for another hug.


We had the house to ourselves last night and we're both off today so I thought I've time to write some updates in the journal.

First thing to mention is that I saw all of the consternation about Suzanna continuing things with Robert. As I mentioned, we had some fun in bed last night and as part of all of that, I asked her what she thought was going to happen.

She replied, "well, I know what I'd like to have happen" and said what I've already shared here, that although the two of them would like somehow find time to get together again she said, "I know that's not likely". She said that she hoped they'd find time for maybe one last time somehow between now and Christmas but she said she knows that after the holidays, if things are going good for him, that it'll probably end ... at least for a while.

I casually asked her where she envisioned their reunion happening and she said she wasn't sure, maybe 'at his place' to which I brought up, "are you sure that's a good idea?"

After we talked for a bit longer she giggled and said, "well, maybe you'll finally get to meet him". I didn't understand until she continued and giggled more and said, "maybe we'll just come here". It was more a joke from her than anything but I also felt a bit of seriousness to it, as if to say, "if that's the only way we can get together" but I let it alone since it was pretty much as I'd felt it was, that it was more of a wish from her than a reality.

However, it did serve to launch us into our fun last night. She said to me that she'll be in full-******/thanksgiving mode starting today. So when we had the house to ourselves (our son delayed coming home till today because of the weather last night) we took advantage.

She reminded me again that Robert's the first guy she's ever been able to cum with like she does with me. She asked me if that made me happy to know and how I felt about it. I told her I knew this day was coming and that I'd long wanted her to be able to really let go and be with her lover. It went right along with her comments about how she was enjoying the sex with him a lot now.

We talked about how she felt it was unfair that just as she was able to reach this kind of sexual connection with him, that it has to come to an end. I asked her if perhaps that she knew it was going to end, whether that may have also been what let her feel this way with him. Before she could answer, I told her that I'd seen it developing and I admitted that it was partly what led to my decisions about myself too.

She was intrigued by that remark and asked me in this very sexy voice to explain what I meant. This time I used the alpha and beta terms again or a bit more with her. I told her that it really turned me on when I started to see her respond with Robert with him as her alpha-male sexual partner. I told her that her confidence and openness with him had really surprised me but, at the same time, that it had also made me feel so much closer to her.

She hugged me and said that in a crazy way, she felt the same way; that her ability to feel things with Robert hadn't taken anything away from us and in some ways it made her appreciate much more about me. As she put it, that I'm not the only one to give her those types of orgasms and sexual feelings and that in some ways it's made her take much more notice of me elsewhere and see me as more than something other than her primary sexual partner.

We both almost said the same things at the same time, that somehow, when she allowed herself to fulfil herself with Robert, that it seemed to have changed how we both feel about each other.

She, like me, says that she feels less sexual anxiety with me knowing that she doesn't always need to feel the intense fulfilment that we would share. She quickly added that when we do (like we did in October and when we will again at Christmas) that it seems to take on a new dimension and seemed to touch us both more deeply. She also said that in some ways, knowing she doesn't have to feel that with me, it seems to give her a sense of relief that she can just enjoy the sex between us.

She asked me if I felt like I had to always 'compete' with Robert. She commented it seemed to her that previously I seemed to need to almost feel I had to out-do Robert or that I had to make sure she felt sexually fulfilled every time.

I said that maybe that used to be the case but now, since she agreed with me that after she'd felt and I'd recognized her ability to let herself feel everything with Robert, that it seemed to have changed how I was with her sexually.

She smiled at me and said that in some ways she seen how I'd already started to act out what we have now come to accept, and she said it, "that I could almost feel that you wanted to be the 'beta male' for me". So when that time did come and I was able to say it to her, she was ready to hear it and work with me on it.

She admitted she's heard of alpha/beta before too and that she hadn't really been that innocent. The term had been in several Penthouse stories we've read over the years as well as what she'd understood when she'd read that 50-Shades-of-Grey book a few years back. She admitted that all along she was aware of the terminology.

What she did tell me again was what I was missing. She took great care to tell me as we were fucking last night how it felt so good to feel him cum in her last week . She again emphasized that it'll have been like 40+ times that he'll have cum in her since I last did. She giggled and said, "that really makes it Robbie’s pussy, doesn't it?". She could obviously tell that turned me on as she moaned along with me as my cock tightened in her pussy as it swelled up but when she started to tell me how turned on she gets when she knows she'll feel Robbie cum in her (and teased me that, "only he gets to do that") I was so horny we both knew I was getting close.

I was really pounding into her and she was moaning and had cum several times already when she moaned that, "you can have me again in another 4 weeks" that I finally let go and started to cum as I sped up my pace fucking her. She looked up at me and said, "you feel so big" and then she teased me that, "too bad I can't really feel you".

Oh man did that get to me. She kept saying other stuff but I was stuck on that thought in my head. I could feel her getting wetter as I was plunging in and out faster and faster. She orgasmed as I came but I knew it wasn't the same as she would if I'd not used a condom.

As we lay there together catching our breath she looked at me and said, "I'm glad you didn't cum in me" and hugged me deeply. I gently eased off of her and rolled to one side and she rolled onto her side next to me to lay against me. We were still coming down from our high and she rubbed up against me as I hugged her.

Once we got our breaths back we just lay there and talked again but calmly this time instead of short utterances. She hugged me and said that she missed feeling it at the end and said, "you do know it's not the same when I don't feel you cum in me at the end" and she told me how she loves feeling it when the last thrusts are into her wet cum-filled pussy.

"I cum so deeply like that when you do ... " and with that she rose up on one elbow, kissed me and said she loved me and that she loved, "... that you want me to feel that with another guy".

I hugged her back and said that it felt weird to say it but that I had to agree with her; that it's brought something very new to our relationship. She giggled and said, "tell me that you aren't totally looking forward to Christmas?" adding, "... you know, when we can share that again".

We kissed again and she asked me if this was what I wanted and I didn't hesitate to say yes to her. She pulled back from me and said as if she were telling me the weather, that this meant she was going to find another lover. She joked and said, "hopefully Tony will be next".....

We lay there a little longer and this time, very lovingly, asked me to again tell her how I feel about all of this. I hugged her and said that it turned me on to deny myself and us for a while longer. I looked at her and I said that I knew that pushing her to want it with another guy was part of what I wanted to feel; that she was able to have her sexual pleasure from another guy. I told her that it turned me, yes, to know what I was giving up. I told her that I knew how she felt when she'd cum at the very end of when we'd have sex together and that now, yes, I knew she was going to seek that from another guy. What I told her was that it turned me on to feel and know she was looking for that to happen, that she wanted that moment with another guy.

She asked me if that was a part of it, that knowing by denying me/her/us of that moment, that she would want and would look for it elsewhere.

I told her that was the part that turned me on the most, knowing she wanted it. I reminded her that was how I felt so strongly about when we'd first started dating, that when we fucked, it was her that wanted it for herself and how I knew that if she did it with me like that, that she did it with other guys like that too.

She giggled and said that she'd never really thought about it all together like that and then said that I was crazy .... but in the same breath she also looked at me and said that she never thought she could feel as close to another person as she does with me to even be able to talk about all of this much less do it.


Our son is home through tomorrow evening so there hasn't been a whole lot of sex to talk about. We've played a little in bed at night and she's encouraged me to masturbate. Last night she got her favourite dildo out and joined me. We lay sort of head to toe and I loved watching her plunge the dildo deep into her pussy and see it come out glistening wet after she'd cum.

I knew she was holding off for the big one which would be when I would finally cum and, as expected, as soon as I started spurting away, wow, did she cum like a fountain dribbling enough wetness to leave a wet spot beneath her as she lay there afterwards with the dildo slowly slipping out of her as she relaxed.


What I can say is that we've started to have some more frank talks and she's become quite candid about what she wants. One thing she did say was that she wants someone else (she's mentioned Tony but at other times just says, "another guy") but she has been quite clear that before I get to have her bare over Christmas, that she wants to be with someone else first. She's teased that, "Tony's going to have me bare before you do" which fuelled some intense jerking off on my part but she also said that the longer we go without me cumming in her, she said that it is making her want to be with another guy more and more.

She added a tease that she'll 'be comfortable enough with me to let me go bare as my Christmas present'!

At another point she said that she is 'really enjoying' what we're doing and that she's of a mind that this should perhaps become more of our norm with us having special-occasions, either holidays or vacations when we get away, as the only times when I will get to have her without condoms. She said that she is liking us 're-defining' our roles like this and that she can better understand how this can turn me on. She says it even turns her on to know that when we do make-love, that we are holding something back to intensify things between us.


I now know that it's not just me that wants skip the condoms, something Suzanna's said more and more now. She says that she enjoys anticipating our time together 'every now and then' which is a good segue into what I am going to write about.

She said she felt many of the same things that I did, even made some of the same comments as I have, that we find the same things arousing for different reasons. I was surprised to hear her say that and that was when she came out and said that she sort of wanted to 'redefine' our relationship to, as she said it, "embrace it".

She said she'd been thinking about how great our weekends away were and how wonderful it was for us to reconnect as meaningfully as we did. She was quite clear about it, that she loved feeling me cum in her again and loved experiencing the full range of her orgasm with me. She continued and said that she found it almost more exciting to know she was going to wait to share that with me which again echoed my thoughts about almost feeling more fulfilled in some ways. Then she teased that 'of course that's just with you' and proceeded to tell me how she was now convinced she wanted Tony to be her next lover.

I asked her if she had thought it all the way through and how she'd approach him or how she thought it would work. She giggled that she didn't want a relationship with him, "I just want to fuck with him" and that she just wanted to have some fun with him a few times.

I asked her, "like in your SUV?"

She smiled and giggled, "yeah, or anywhere really".

What really intrigued me was what she said about what she thought would happen at work and such. She smiled and explained that Robert really helped her see that she really does want sex but, more so, that she doesn't mind being looked at or thought of sexually. She said she likes knowing other guys check her out and would hope to be eager to have some fun with her.

I was kind of dumbfounded and then she said, "you reminded me of what it was like when we first met .... that WAS fun!". I told her that times were different now and she said, "but guys aren't" and pointed out that Tony's close to our age anyway.

What surprised me was when she said that she found herself getting horny thinking of having sex with Tony, (she even used the words 'spreading my legs for him') that as with Robert and others before him, that she admits to getting very aroused at the thought of being naked (or 'undressed' as she put it) with another guy. I gave a groan as she continued and said that she gets horny thinking about letting Tony see 'all of me'.

I suppose, in a way, Suzanna and me are still in the role-playing stage of this and that acceptance of the lifestyle would perhaps more cement the roles we are playing. The thing is I'm still not sure of how she feels about truly confirming this to be our new norm vs. the play-acting we are doing now. Or is it already too late? Has the norm already been established by default, in which case I suppose we are much further down the road than I may think we are.

All interesting things that I'll to try to figure out and how to weave them into the conversations that we will surely be having.

I do believe her desire for me is genuine though. She hasn't been with Robert now in over two weeks and when we were playing around, and she spoke of wanting me, there was a noticeable change in how wet her pussy felt as well as how responsive she was.

I know we're on a slippery slope here as her next lover could sway her more than Robert did but as I've said, it’s something I do want to experience with her, to let her want and feel it for another guy. In a way I will even admit that I would still like to see her fall for another guy in the way she thought she wanted to with Robert but that is perhaps a subject for another time.

She's set her target as Friday, next week as when she wants to do it with Tony. There's going to be an after-work get-together and she's confident that's when it's going to happen.

I’m excited already.


... and there goes another completed book. Must get down to the Stationery store and buy another batch. There's so much more to tell.