Journal of a Journey - Book 58

What I am feeling very excited about is how I feel in response to her. It's weird to think that after all of this time a big part of my underlying desire has been to feel like this, for her to openly talk about her own desires now for other guys and to play-up and tease me about it. I guess she really does know me and that this feels comfortable for her right now to do and explore.

Like last night, at one point we rolled over and she got on top. As she leaned down towards me and just rubbed her nipples across my chest and up to my mouth she said that I should think about how she does this with Robert and how she loves the feeling of her pussy devouring his cock (her words!). I told her that I could feel how she would like that and I answered her that I've thought about her many times grinding herself against him. She kissed my cheek and whispered, "I'll bet you also think of just how full my pussy is with his big cock?" Then she sat back up and said, "he's so big in me sometimes; I can feel him so deep".

I just knew the moan that followed was because she'd felt my own cock throb deeply as she said it.

She knows I love to finish in the missionary position just as she does. Last night as we were both getting closer we rolled back over and I just had to marvel at how wonderful she felt at that moment. Yes, the condom dulled it a little but I could still feel how wet and open she was.

I'd read (remembered) and now proved true that a drop of two of lubricant inside the condom really makes it feel so much better too and that, combined with what was in my head, really had me horny. I know she's done it before but it just seems different now coming from her as she teased me about, " whether I should let Tony 'give me a try'".

It wasn't just that. She lay there beneath me with her legs spread apart holding her own knees back for me and she looked up at me, smiled and said, "how are you going to feel when I let them both cum in me?" The obvious implication being that I would not!

Again she hasn't asked me anything, all she's done is more telling me what she wants to do. It's all a bit crazy feeling like this after all of this time. Even weirder is thinking that maybe this is what I've wanted all along and that it's a big part of what makes me want it all.

I know it's crazy to say this but as we made love last night, she orgasmed several times (she always does) and it felt strangely fulfilling to still feel her body react and that her orgasms were truly deep and even profound at some points. I could feel her get wet and open, no denying that, and I know that for 99.9% of the physical it doesn't matter that there's that thin layer of latex between us. However, to share that moment but at the same time to know what I'm not feeling, that my cock doesn't feel her pussy directly, but I cannot deny the incredibly strange sense of fulfilment to know that mentally that it is there and that it symbolizes something sexual that we are now sharing.

There is no doubt in my mind after how she was last night, that this seems to somehow enhance or make what we are doing something truly unique and special that we are sharing. Maybe it's justifying it in my mind, not sure, but even though neither of us said anything truly about it we both know I have a condom on. Just as it turned me on to think of my cock not feeling her pussy I know she had to also have that same thought at that same moment.

She felt me cum last night and I was even aware of feeling her pussy clenching at my cock but in many ways, I seem to have a much deeper feeling of satisfaction. It's always been wonderful to orgasm deep in her and to share that moment of pleasure with her but afterwards, I feel much closer with her and in some ways there is a more tender afterglow with her as we lay together.

It's profoundly weird to find myself so aroused and content to deny myself what should be the most intimate moment a couple can share and yet I do. I suppose I'm not alone for there is a world of Cuckolds out there and self-knowledge is indeed a wonderful thing.


She'd teased me yesterday morning that she 'needed to see Robbie' and she played up how she was looking forward to seeing him. However, that exuberance didn't carry through to when she got home.

Apparently they had 'the talk' last night (she giggled and said, "it was after we'd fucked...") and just before she left him he told her that their 'regular Tuesdays' would probably need to change in the next few weeks. He apologized and said that (as I'd/we'd expected all along) after Thanksgiving he was going to be spending more time with his new girlfriend and, yes, that's become more serious. Suzanna said she peppered him with questions about whether she is 'Mrs. Right' for him and his reply was that if he didn't start taking her seriously, that he'd never find out!

So, naturally, she wasn't exactly all up and happy when she got home. She says she's happy for him and, yes, she shared that now she knows they're regularly having sex it made her feel a little guilty about what she was doing with him.

I didn't ask if they are still using condoms together but she already knew that he'd said that he hoped that by Christmas that they'd both be comfortable enough that he could be with her like he is with Suzanna, without condoms.

She didn't tease or mention anything else but I gained the impression in the back of my mind that I can now see her giving in more readily to any of the guys at work who might make a pass at her.

I asked her if she'd want to go up to our bedroom and get comfy or something (hinting around at whether she was still horny at all, etc.). I was a little disappointed when she kissed me and said, "can you wait till tomorrow?” She seemed in a pensive mood so I didn't push it.

I am quite certain that later tonight will reveal many things though.

When we spooned up and snuggled up in bed last night she giggled at my hard-on pressing against her back. She didn't have to ask what caused it, it went unsaid that I was horny thinking of her having been with him earlier.


I think it's a combination of things going on right now as Suzanna's already putting herself under pressure to make sure Thanksgiving is okay this year as she's making the turkey, plus there is always Robert in the back of her mind so I know she's a bit unfocused too.

We talked a while about Robert on Wednesday. She said wistfully that she was able to really let herself go with him and that she is going to miss it. She said that they both have known that it was coming to end and she says that if anything, it's become much more physical between them. I told her that was only going to make it more difficult and she knows it, she said that she hoped it didn't bother me but she said that for the first time she really enjoyed what she was doing.

We talked and she said that I played a role in everything she'd done with other guys, that I knew him, or that I'd be there, or, as in Dan's case, he'd have a problem about me. She said that Robert was the first guy that I wasn't a part of and she asked if that bothered me, that she'd connected as well as she did with someone I'd never met.

She'd never asked me that directly before and I told her that in a way it was more exciting not knowing if I'd ever met or seen him. I also told her that I thought my not knowing him made things a bit more exciting between us too. I told her that in my head, Robert had taken on many different personas and appearances. She giggled at that and said I had a dirty mind!

Even though it was kind of a tenuous conversation, I was horny and she encouraged me along by teasing me about Tony. I asked her if she was really going to do it and damn if she didn't look at me and simply said, "can I?”

I asked her if she was sure she wanted to go down this road and she said if it does happen she's considering that she'll let it happen after the company holiday party. The party is in the afternoon and she's thinking that maybe she'd go out afterwards. I am sure she's serious about this but I also know she enjoys playing it up too .... and she did. She did the 'what if game' saying, "what if we just happen to wander off; what if I pretend I'm a little more ***** than I am?" By the time she got to, "what if we don't have a rubber?", mmmm, my cock was hard and ready.

Then she took it to another level, she looked at me and said, "what if I do this?" and then she leaned down and gently sucked me. I haven't mentioned it before but she'll suck me during foreplay to get me really hard however this time she didn't need to for I was already horny and hard and the way she was moaning, I knew she wanted me to cum. It happened so quickly that it really took me by surprise. She pulled off me at one point and turned and said something like, "just enjoy it" and enjoy it I did. It's been quite a long time since she did this and it was exquisite, she let me almost fuck her mouth until I just burst. She gagged for a second but totally and gently sucked and stroked me until I was done and, damn, it was awesome.

I did wonder if she'd been sucking Robert like that at times as she seemed to have been much more relaxed and in-control as if she had been getting practise! It didn't surprise me when she slid up next to me and smiled as she kissed me and we snowballed. It's such an erotic feeling, our tongues teasing and tasting my cum. Did she do this with Robert, I wondered.

I told her that we needed to talk about her plan with Tony as it seems to me that maybe she's been a little hot for him over time? Then again maybe the forbidden fruit from a few years back is now not so forbidden? She smiled and agreed that we would talk more over the weekend.


No nookie tonight but our ******** told us she is heading out for most of tomorrow afternoon and evening so we shifted our plans forward about 18 hours.

Her "'condom fetish', as I think of it, is incredibly arousing to me. I will definitely say that, so far at least, it continues to give me the feeling I've wanted but then again that only works if it's what she wants.

It did make me horny to hear her say that she'd want me to give up the condoms because she'll miss the feeling. It's strangely erotic when she says that it's the feeling of cum in her that she'd miss and not necessarily feeling me in her bare. That thought strangely aroused me. Is this our new norm? I don't know, we've gone through a lot of new norms; some have lasted, some have not.


I've been thinking about Tony. I've met Tony; he's maybe a few years younger than us, Italian, married with, I think, 2 kids also several years behind ours. He's a bit of the extrovert kind of guy from what I remember, friendly as heck but very loud. Suzanna's worked with him for years and years so I suspect she feels comfortable in his presence.

When I say loud, I don't mean brash or the take-control kind of guy. If he's the guy I remember, his physique doesn't match his boisterousness, perhaps 'gregarious' might be a better word.

I mentioned him tonight, which may be what turned our 'quickie' into 'long-ie'. It's kind of funny to see her getting horny for someone else.


I suppose it's a done-deal in some ways. I mean she's mentioned him specifically many more times including last night where she teased me several times including that she might 'trust him' and let him go bare with her for the first time. That really got to me, she hasn't really asked me if I'm okay with it, more that she's, I guess, told me that she's been thinking of him.

That part also is on my mind, that I have to trust her more and let her lead more at times. We talked also about the repercussions and she said, "you know things haven't changed, they're just kept quieter" and she proceeded to tell me about all sorts of rumours that do the rounds at work. She added that there were a few about her and Dan (which turned out to be true) in the past and she even said that there are probably some about me and Robert. I guess she's right and as I thought about it, I recognized it's the same where I worked including knowing several participants of both sex. I also realized that I never thought twice about it.

I don't think I'm worried what folks might think, I'm more 'concerned'. There are no formal rules about things at work but I don't think Tony's the type of guy to be bragging about any conquests he might have, however, I defer to Suzanna on that as she's worked with him more.

In between 'Tony Talk' we talked about Robert. She said that next Tuesday has been marked as the last time they are going to get together on a regular schedule kind of basis for a while. She says it's because of the holidays but also admits that he's got plans to be with his new girlfriend.

I felt like she was going to say something more and she did, she asked me if I objected to her taking a vacation day next Tuesday. She said that she just wanted to spend the day with him one more time but that she'd be home like it had been a normal Tuesday in the office.

I asked her if she'd really intended coming home that night and she said yes.

I'm not sure how I could have possibly said no so I didn't bother. I didn't ask her if she'd see him again afterwards as she's made no secret that she felt in him what she's wanted in a lover.

I suspect had I asked that the answer will be yes even if she did say no.


Suzanna is long asleep. Before she drifted off she teased me about seeing Robert tomorrow afternoon and how she was going to leave work early. As I said, she's become much more open and much more playfully teasing me about him since our recent talks. It's quite refreshing and seems to put both of us in an up mood which is a little strange given the pending change in circumstances.

I'm not convinced that next Tuesday will be their last time together so I'm not thinking there'll be much change this week other than a slow sadness I see growing at times when she'll talk about his future without her. She's also been honest that the sex has been really good for her. She won't say it's better than with me but I'm quite sure that his size, his cock which is much bigger than mine, has helped.

It's actually an intense feeling that I've wanted to feel from her. I can't fully describe it but it does turn me on that she's been able to let herself go. I'd long said that I thought it was much more in my head than for real in whether she feels any different but I will say that when we got started last night and I was in her that she did 'ask' whether she felt any different, "you know, what with him being kinda big"....!


I still don't have a read on whether this thing with Tony is fact or fiction. So far he's only been mention in her teasing me about it. I don't see how a middle-aged guy with kids and a wife is suddenly going to have all the time that Suzanna's spent with Robert so, no, I don't see him as a replacement.

On the other hand though, a year or two ago I wouldn't have thought she'd be doing something like this. Now, it seems like she's gotten so much more adventurous.


She again came home seeming a little down and distracted yesterday. I gave her some space which was fine because work is just insanely busy right now and I've been working on reports at home in the evenings so I went back to that and let her be. She was definitely upset emotionally as she gave me many hugs that seemed to have a deeper desire to them.


Today she's seemed good and as we were talking earlier she said she's 'up' for us 'having fun' later tonight and she giggled that she's been looking forward to it. So that's a good sign.

Last night in bed she was a bit more emotional. There were several unexpected "I love yous" as well as a bit more than usual gentle touches of her hand. She also whispered that I was 'wonderful' for letting her, as she put it, "enjoy myself like this" or something similar.

I hugged her and pulled her to spoon with me knowing that she felt my cock poking at her and I told her that I loved feeling her next to me. I didn't tell her that I also loved the thought of her having had sex with him just hours earlier and how only a few thin layers of cotton separated my hard cock from her wet pussy.


Suzanna still has her little SUV and I'm sure somewhere there are still some stains from her last dalliances in it. I'm sure that is also what's fuelling her little fantasy about Tony.


She was a bit emotional when I made mention of Robert but later said that she wasn't quite ready to stop seeing him yet. I asked her what she meant and finally she came out and pretty much said that she loves having sex with him. She said that with him falling (or hoping to) for his new lady, that she's felt it easy to shut off whatever she felt for him emotionally but she then said that she likes fucking him too much to give it up.

I asked her what she was going to do and she just said that she told him that she still wanted to see him even if it wasn't something as regular as they'd had. She looked at me and asked if I was going to be okay with it.

I asked her for how long she'd make herself available to him and wasn't quite ready for her answer, but also wasn't totally surprised, when she answered, "whenever". It was more how she said it that made me realize that he may become her first true fuck-buddy if she and he can maintain a workable friendship.

I told her that it made me totally horny to hear her telling me this; that I loved she'd become so sexual again. She giggled at me and said in a very sexy voice, "you really like that it's not just yours" as she patted her pussy and teased me along.

I could see the glow on her as she talked briefly about Robert’s prowess (and his size). She said that while she and I still fit together perfectly, that I should know that he can make her feel very much as good as I do.

She looked at me as she said that and I told her it was the first time she'd said that to me where I believed her. She smiled and asked me if that was what I really wanted to hear.

She glanced down and saw my cock was rigidly hard in my hand and smiled as she turned back to look at me. "He's like the first guy baby ... " before hastily adding, "... other than you, the first guy that just does it to me".

I felt like my eyes were bulging out at her. She said 'sorry' but again said, "you wanted to know, now you do".

At another point she said that it's part of why she wants me to use condoms with her too; that in her head, it makes her feel she is his and she says that it makes it all much more intense knowing that he's doing to her what I used to.

She seemed almost teary as she said this and I told her it was okay, that I wanted her to tell me it and that I wanted to know what she's thinking. She kissed me as I stroked and was closer and closer and she continued to tease me. She reminded me she was going to spend next Tuesday in bed with him and how she planned to 'fuck him all day long'. It wasn't just what she said, it was how she said it, almost as a whisper in my ear as I felt her leaning up against my arm and shoulder.

I was so close by then that when she said that there was only had another 5 weeks to wait to have her bare, I knew I was going to burst soon. She kissed my ear and teased me and said, "you're going to love feeling me again baby" and that was it, hearing her whisper that in her sexy voice just made me burst and I covered my stomach.

She kept up the teasing as she played with my warm semen and commented on how horny I must have been from how much I'd cum.

We kissed and snowballed with several fingerfuls and after duelling tongues with her yet one more time she looked at me and said she thought it was incredibly erotic that I wanted to do this with her. She looked at me and said, "it must really turn you on" and I nodded yes in return. She smiled broadly in response.

We kind of snuggled up and as I found something on TV to watch she hugged me and said that she'd never do anything to hurt me and that I'd always come first.

I raised an eyebrow in response and said, "more like second, but I know what you meant...." We both laughed.

We watched some TV and when the show was over it was just after 11pm and I thought it was going to be lights-out or me-out but instead she kissed me and I realized it wasn't just a good night peck on the cheek. She giggled and asked me if I wanted to 'go again' and said she would like to watch me again. She kissed me as she reached under the covers and as she stroked me she said, "I am going to do it with Tony one day you know, right?”

I was hard almost immediately but I had the presence of mind to ask her, "what do you mean?" That's when she said that they've kidded around for so many years now and worked together on so many projects, " ... I almost feel like I owe it to him".

I croaked out a question asking her if it was a 'done deal'. She smiled and giggled and said, "if the opportunity comes up....”

She continued the teasing and told me how she thought it'd be fun, "maybe after we all go out one night next month ..." At first I thought she meant me with her but then realized that she was talking about after-work holiday gatherings or after the company holiday party when no spouses are invited!

She reminded me of the first holiday party when we were dating and how we went out to someone's van to make out (with the thoughts of maybe doing more) only to find 2 or 3 other 'work couples' already in the van in various states of involvement! She giggled and reminded me how much fun it was when we went to her car which had a bigger back seat and we steamed up the windows ourselves!

It was when she said that it, "might be fun to have a roll in the backseat again" that I really got into it. I was loving this role-playing and I asked her if she was going to go back into the party afterwards like we did.

She said it just to get to me and said, "yeah - remember you and I danced afterwards ..." she paused for a second and then said, "it'll be fun to do that with Tony" and then she giggled and said, "remember I ran off to the bathroom afterwards....".

That did it for me, I remembered so clearly. She came back, we were pretty ***** and she told me she had to clean up.


In talking since then, she told me that she is taking next Tuesday off but said pretty openly that if she could, she'd run over his place anytime after that if he asked her to. She didn't say it but I know from her look that she was saying, "this is what you wanted".

Another example of her increasing openness about things and her apparent encouragement of fulfilling my desires.


It’s actually a bit funny, she's using my admissions about wanting to be the beta-male, or as she puts it, "not my main guy" in her openness about Robert. I think it's a big step for her to be able to say that she is able to feel things with Robert that she'd only felt with me before. I know for her to say that, that it means she's felt something herself and isn't just saying it to tease me. I haven't pushed her further on it but her admission about wanting to still have him in the future speaks volumes.

It comes as no surprise to say that I am in awe of feeling like this right now. Whether she's doing it intentionally or whether it is merely just happening, this route she's taking is piquing my cuckold desires. I have wanted to feel this for a long time, that she wants her own sexuality her own way and that I am seeing it happen but not being allowed to 'feel' it

I am going to admit that it turned me on incredibly to hear her say that she is able to feel and cum as she does with Robert and that in many ways he satisfies her more than me. In my head the thought that perhaps just having his cum in her is somehow amplifying what she's feeling. Every time I see the box of condoms in the night-stand I get aroused knowing what we are all doing.


I'm home early this afternoon to get some work done around the yard; she already teased me this morning that she hopes I'm ready for her tonight. Our ******** conveniently has dinner plans with friends and won't be home till later. We're letting her take the car more and more when we can so she's feeling her independence a bit more but we insist that she gives us a call before she sets off home so that we know when to expect her. It makes it easier for Suzanna and me to manage the time.


This whole denial thing is just incredibly arousing for me. I know that some people would struggle to understand how this seems to turn me on , but it does. It's going to be 5 more weeks before we will take a break from using condoms and I still can't fully explain how fulfilling it makes me feel knowing that we have somehow serendipitously arrived at this sort of arrangement which works so well for me in terms of satisfying my apparent needs.


Does what we are doing make Suzanna a 'domme'; Does it make me a "sub"? I don't know about those labels but I do know when she and I have sex that it is as physical and as loving and as deep/meaningful as it always has been. Her orgasms are just as draining and satisfying as they've always been and, surprisingly, so are mine too.

Yes, she's admitted that knowing I won't cum inside her has in some ways seemed to heighten the arousal we both feel. I know that when I am above her and thrusting into her passionately that the thoughts of my not truly feeling her silkiness against my cock and knowing when I cum that it won't truly be in her seems to spur me on to fuck her harder/deeper and more fully.

She's admitted that when she lets her brain think and know that she won't feel that rush of warmth spread through her and that she won't feel the gentle pulsations against the back of her pussy that, despite not feeling it, it's 1000 times more intense mentally for her.

In some ways I want to see if she will really do it with Tony or if she's just talking it up. It's not like I could really tell her not to do it if she has her mind made up. She's been talking about him for a while now and already I have pictures in my mind of her getting naked and fucking with him.

I guess it'd be him. I mean he's certainly further close to the head of the line than a lot of other guys I've met at her work over the years. So yeah, I do want to see what she'll do but I will also admit that I want to feel what it's like to know that there will be two other guys fucking her and cumming in her while I am still relegated to using condoms. It'll probably be no big deal, but at the same time, I do want to see how it feels to know she's taken a next step on her own again too.


I am quite sure that Suzanna knows her place with relation to Robert. She's continued to say that she wants the best for him and that he seems happy so I'm sure she's cautious about upsetting the apple cart.

Given how things began with Suzanna, if his new lady friend hasn't had children before, she may still be getting used to his size! Until his new lady lets him really go at her, Suzanna is happy to provide a place for him to do so.....

It seems kind of weird or callous in some ways to be talking about Suzanna like that but it isn't far from the truth at this point, now she really is just seeing him to have sex with him.


Suzanna and I talked about over the weekend about what we would want for the future. She again told me how she thought this Tuesday (tomorrow now) would probably be the last 'scheduled' time she'll have with Robert. She said that between Thanksgiving and Christmas and with Robert's continued desire to spend time with his new lady, that she was going to miss her standing-Tuesdays. She asked me how I was going to feel if she continued to see Robert 'when he called' or when he wanted to see her.

I asked her how that's going to make her feel, that he'd be just calling her just to have sex with her. She giggled and said that's not much different than has been going on now with him for some time now.

I asked her how Robert was doing with his new lady sex-wise and Suzanna said what she'd said before, that she was 'getting used to' his size and that they were still using condoms but that he hoped that between Christmas and New Years that she would relent.

I asked her how she's going to feel then and she giggled and said she'll be jealous that his new lady will be taking what had been hers! I know she said it as a joke but there was some truth to it too.

However, it was the discussion that followed that which was much more intriguing to me.

She again seemed to want reassurances from me that I liked what we were doing. At several points she was quite clear about what she wanted to hear from me including my admission that I am still very aroused by us using condoms together.

I asked her how she felt about it and she said some things that I knew were coming but I may not have been totally ready to hear. She told me that she was still very turned on by what we were doing; that for her, seeing me pull out of her and seeing the tip of the condom full of my cum makes her incredibly horny. She made it very clear that my arousal has become hers now too.

I know she was partly kidding but she was serious when she said quite clearly that it is changing for her, that knowing it turns me on is still a part of her arousal, but she wanted me to understand that she is beginning to feel and accept that she is enjoying denying me and she said that if we continued, that she wasn't sure how things were going to be in the future.

That struck me. I knew we've been playing with this and it's been very satisfying for us both. I knew that over time she was going to like it for herself more than knowing that it's something I am also turned on by. She said what she's said all the time, that if I ever truly needed to feel her and cum in her that I could and she wouldn't ever say no. She promised me that on special-occasions (she mentioned Christmas and other holidays) that she would always want me bare and that our time away alone is meant for just that, for us to reconnect.

Then she said what I had known was coming since the start of the conversation, she said that she wanted me to know that she no longer considered this something we were just trying out and that she very much liked how she felt in our relationship since we started using condoms. She said she hoped it didn't hurt me to hear it but that she feels that this change in our sexual relationship has been good for us and with my admission of wanting to be the beta-male (not quite the words of how she refers to it) that she feels this is something that works for us and reinforces the feelings and desires I've brought out in her.

When we talked about the future she was clear that if there was a long gap (she didn't specify 'gap') before she found her next 'boyfriend' (as she calls him) that she would want me to probably not use condoms with her as much as she admitted, once again, that she would miss the feeling of having her lover's semen in her.

All of this talk kind of segued into why we don't more clearly plan or think out the future.

So we did. I asked her what kind of lover she was looking for.

She was quiet for a moment and then asked that I not respond badly to what she was about to say. I was unsure of where this was going but I agreed not to 'react'. She took a breath and said quietly that she would like to find someone "more like Dan was".

I told her that I'd suspected that was what she was thinking and I asked her what specifically she was looking for. She was honest and said that she liked how he made her feel; how he wanted her and, she said it, how he would push her limits.

I told her that I thought she would probably be better able to handle him now vs. back then and she giggled and added, "yes, and it'll also be easier for me to go along too!" and she proceeded to tell me that she wanted a lover who would be more demanding of her sexually.

She looked at me and said that while she wouldn't ever do it, she loved the thought of her lover only wanting her sexually to be with him. She said it had this romantic quality to it that she thought she would warm up to now instead of feeling like it was such a monstrous change for her just a few years ago. She teased me and said, "besides, you said you enjoyed seeing those changes and conflicts in me". I admitted to her that it was exciting to see her having to come face to face with her lovers' sexual desires and how she'd deal with them.

We talked about how we might find such a person. We spoke about some online sites that offered personals or other ways to attract a specific type of person. She thought that was all fine but she immediately added that we couldn't really do any of that until next September when, hopefully, we'll have an empty house with our ******** off to college. She suggested that at that point perhaps we could both work together on a more formal type of search.

I said that was all well and good but she was thinking about for the next 9-10 months. She giggled and said, "I was serious about Tony!”


After we'd had sex together on Saturday and I'd pulled out of her she asked me candidly to tell her again how I felt making love to her using a condom. I knew she wanted to hear me again so I told her that seeing the box of condoms in the nightstand was a continual reminder of what we were doing and that it turned me on. I told her how crazy and strangely satisfying it felt to me to accept the symbolism that I felt they had. I told her that just the box in the nightstand made me horny because it represented her and my desire to limit what I would experience with her.

She asked me to tell her more and I again explained that for whatever reason the knowledge that I was foregoing the most intimate sexual experience with her and that I wanted her to have it with someone else, for some reason almost makes me ***** with desire. I told her that just thinking that way makes me hard and I told her that knowing it turned her on really made it all the more satisfying.

She smiled and said again that I should blame myself for this if I need to because I shared my arousal with her and that over time, she herself has become enamoured with it.

Last night as we got ready to have sex she handed me a condom and as I knelt between her legs she spread them and talked to me. As I undid the package she told me, "it's been a while now since you've cum in me baby". Hearing her say that only made my cock even harder. As I pulled the condom into place and moved towards her she said that she still loves making love with me and that she loves that I can still make her cum but just as I pushed into her she said, "maybe it’s good; I know you're really going to appreciate Christmas week".

She moaned and groaned as I entered her and said, "my god, this really does turn you on, you feel huge!". I fucked her until she screamed several times in orgasm and each time I could feel the dulled sensations of her pussy clamping down on my cock through the condom. I looked at her and told her so. I told her that it turned me on that I couldn't feel as much with her as her lover does. She looked up at me through glazed eyes and said that it turned her on the same to know that she wasn't feeling me directly but that she could feel how big-and-hard I felt. I couldn't find the words or the focus to tell her more as I felt my own climax approaching but the most intense feelings came over me as I felt myself approaching and all I could think was that she won't truly feel me no matter how hard or deeply I cum.

So, we are now actively moving towards this becoming our norm for now .... as if that's not been obvious all along!

It's getting late in the day and I need to finish stuff for work off before Suzanna gets home tonight. She said she wanted to talk a bit more about tomorrow. She sounded quite up-beat about it but, at the same time, I can tell that she's not content knowing it maybe one of their last times.


She's downstairs talking to her sister on the phone. We talked briefly and she said she's going to leave here about 8:30am tomorrow and will spend the day at Roberts place. In the few minutes we talked she shared that he is taking the day off tomorrow too and that she hoped to be there by 9:15 or so and she giggled as she talked in telling me that she was going to crawl into bed with him when she gets there.

So that's it. I'm sitting here wickedly horny and she knows it. She whispered that I should go relieve myself later tonight if I’m that horny and she giggled about this being fun seeing my arousal at what she's doing.

It's moments like this when my cuckold urges are at their peak in many ways. I know she's excited to spend the day with him tomorrow and it turns me on to think of her in bed with him after she leaves here.

It's going to sound crazy but I couldn't get the thought of them out of my mind last night. As we fucked in our bed all I could think about was Robert having her bare in like 13 hours from now and that I have willingly given that up. When I look at her and hear the excitement in her voice as she tells me about her maturing and growing sexual desires and that she's embracing the idea that I want her to give him something that I used to have.

I think that perhaps that is one facet of my desire to be the beta-male, it makes me horny like nothing else to think that I've agreed with her to give that peak moment of pleasure with her to another man. No matter what I think, it all comes back to my knowing that she will share that freely with Robert and others and that I may only get to feel it on limited occasions. I cannot express the arousal I feel and yet, at the same time, the overwhelming desire to eagerly experience waiting until I will get to feel her again.

I know for her, she is enamoured with only have her lover’s cum in her and that is the facet that seems to define the pleasure she feels.

Mine takes a different form of pleasure. Yes, that only her lover's cum is in her is a part of it but that she will only experience that pleasure of him putting it in her with him is what I think most defines where my arousal comes from.


Uh oh, last page; new book time!