Journal of a Journey - Book 57

There is a shift in Suzanna's attitude that I seem to be feeling. I know that Suzanna intends to keep seeing Robert for as long as she can (or as long as she's comfortable). Just this morning as she was getting dressed she again saw me staring and as she looked in the mirror she smiled and said "you're thinking about me later aren't you?” I nodded and asked her what she was thinking about and she said "pretty much the same - it makes me look forward to it even more". As I was getting dressed a bit later and she was doing her makeup she came by and kissed my neck/shoulder and said "you can think about me all day" and then she added "maybe I'll let you feel me when I get home" and she kissed me again and just went about her business.


I've been thinking about what she's said and how she's said it - and in a way, I almost think she's aroused in the same way as I am, just from the other point of view, we have 30+ years together - and what I'm beginning to think is that we have grown together over all of this time. Obviously we have - our kids have said for years that we have the exact same conversations (say the exact same things) when neither of us knew the other had done so. At other times we'll say the exact same things at the exact same times. Over the years, I suppose maybe testament to our happy marriage for all this time - is that we've grown together almost as one. I have long felt that we feed and fuel each other’s feelings and desires. I know we tried other forms of denial - panties, outright denial, etc., - and while she's never said it outright, I can say that I think I've felt it much in the same way that I did - that those never touched the right places or hit the right nerves. But this condom thing - it's hitting everything in the right place. She knows it turns me on - and in return - I know it turns her on. I'm not sure that it's so much that it's a sudden thing to have happen, or whether we have stumbled up on something that feeds both of us. Maybe we've become so close that the same things turn us on just from different directions. All those old Letters stories that turned me on - the naughty wives letters - they turned me on from the guy’s perspective - so maybe, if marriage has brought us together, that these same stories and ideas and such turn her on but from the other direction.

I think, from her response in some of our most recent times we've talked, that she's now understanding much more about what things we did in the past that turned me on most. I don't think she understood or could necessarily appreciate how - for example - it turned me on to have those "first times" with Dan and Peter and not with me. But I think now, she has a better understanding. The relevance here is that I think we both understand how what we're doing with condoms now plays into my arousals from the past - and her's too - I have never overlooked that she went along with my desires without much resistance. I think my explaining that it gives me that feeling all the time - may have been what I said that clarified things for her and put them together. As I said, since that first time we really got stuff out, she's been much more relaxed about most everything.

She's been quite coy with me about teasing me that "I'll tell you all about it later" referring to yesterday with him. It's a bit of playfulness that's been absent a bit lately - again, I think, both of us coming to terms with the fact that this IS turning us on and it's not something we need to hide or dance-around. So - perhaps, with this sort of more openness - maybe some more answers will find their way out.


She did surprise me last night in several ways. One that was an eye-opener was her admission that "he watched me pee!!!!” She knew that was going to surprise me and it did! As we lay in bed together she was a little giggly about this and when I pushed she explained that after they'd fucked - that she got up to go to the bathroom to pee (supposed to be good to prevent UTI's). He said "where are you going?" and she said "to the bathroom" and he jokingly replied "can I watch?” She said she didn't know what to say at first - and she even said to me that her first reaction was to think "ewww - gross". I was speechless - she's normally been pretty private in the bathroom area - even reluctant to come in and pee while I’m in the shower, etc. But she looked at me and said “after a second though, I just said 'okay', if that's what you want". She said she didn’t think he'd do it - but as she sat on the toilet she said he came in and knelt in front of her and he said "I've never seen a woman pee". She said she was kind of embarrassed but she said "at the same time I was just lying next to him naked so I just closed my eyes and pretended he wasn't there". She said she spread her legs and started to pee. She said she could also feel that some of his cum was dripping out into the toilet too. She opened her eyes when she was done and said she was embarrassed that he'd stared at her and watched the entire time.

I asked her in general what was up with all of this new-stuff that she was talking about and doing with him. She said that since our talks and the stuff she's been sharing with him - that she feels a bit more at ease with talking and doing things that she used to think were too far out or crazy. I jokingly asked if I could watch her pee and she giggled and said "if it's what you really want to". I told her "maybe" and she giggled again and told me "see, you are just as weird as he is".

It was kind of weird - it brought back a lot of feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time - sharing something that intimate and private. I took a little while this morning and read back some of my earliest postings here about how I felt seeing her and Brad together those first times and how I felt. I was turned on in a way - I mean I can picture her sitting there with her legs spread as he watched her - but I was also still a bit taken aback by it all.

It took a little bit to put it out of my mind and move into a more amorous mood - but I was horny already and once I got past the mental image of him watching her pee - I was getting horny again. In my head it took me a bit to move from one vision to another and when I focused on her sitting there with her pussy spread apart and him basically seeing everything there is - when I thought about the fact that his cum must have been seeping out also as she sat there, it did make me horny to think about her sharing that moment with him.

I don't have as much time as I normally would this morning as I am actually heading into the office - but we talked about a few different things - including a subject she brought up that - I think - foretells what she's thinking about.

She asked me to tell her again about how I felt when we first got together and she said "you know, when I was also going out with other guys from work". I told her what I'd long posted here, that it made me horny to think about and that I did like knowing what was going on - and I admitted that I enjoyed, in a weird way (at the time) knowing that other guys had been with her. She asked me what I thought about what the other guys (and me) felt about it. I told her that times were different back then about sex in general, but that I thought that it wasn't such a bad situation and that I didn't think it really affected anything. I told her it was much more about how she felt about it that mattered really.

I asked her what was going on and she simply said that "after things fade with Robbie, I was thinking....."

Our talk then focused on what she was thinking - which is that she has been thinking about what it would be like to have casual sex with some of the guys she works with. I told her that the times now are very different than they were when we first started dating - and that there are company rules and such. She giggled and said something like "it's not like we'd do it on my desk". She looked at me and said "would it be so terrible if 'something happened' on a Friday night when we're all out?” And in the following 20-30 minutes we proceeded to talk about what she was thinking. She asked me if I'd still feel the same way as I did - that other guys she works with would have had sex with her. I told her that I didn't know if it was going to be the same - told her we're older and such - but she giggled and said "don't be so sure" and she told me that she was sure that if she played it up, that she was sure she could convince some of the guys to have some fun with her. I asked her how she's going to feel - and she said that she always liked it when she was seeing Peter or Dan and she'd see them at work. My reply was to ask her how she's going to feel when it gets around that she's "easy". She was pretty candid in her reply - that she didn't think older married guys would be bragging or talking about it (which answered my question about who she's considering) - and that if they did, that it wouldn't really matter as there are always rumours and water-cooler talk about who's messing around with who. We talked about it impacting her job and she pooh-poohed that and said "why should it be any different than when we were younger?". She reminisced from long ago and even said that she liked how she felt knowing she'd been with a few of the guys we worked with. When she continued to pooh-pooh my concerns, I just let it go and instead, went back to talking about what she was wanting.

She said that she thought it might be fun to see what happens this way. I asked her if she thought something more might come out of any of this and she actually said that she didn't - that she just wanted to do this as something "fun to do". She giggled and said sarcastically "after all, who's going to cum in me after Robbie?". I paused her and asked her if that was a safe thing to do health-wise. She noted my seriousness and said that she was pretty sure they'd either be careful and use condoms - or and she admitted that it might not be the smartest thing to do - but she smiled and said that there were a few guys that she'd like to be with without condoms. And whether she did it intentionally or not - she told me in no uncertain terms that she liked how she felt back then. She clarified that it was both that she liked feeling very sexual with the other guys as well as me - and she also added, I'm sure to give me a further push, was that she liked that "they all used to cum in me".

I was pretty surprised by this at first - but after our discussion reached this point - I was no longer surprised. And I realized that in the past few weeks I've spoken highly about what I remembered from our past in this regard which may have been a part of this new thing from her!!! My surprise and any apprehension were slowly eased as she leaned over and began to kiss me and say "come on baby - you remember how you said you felt - how it made you horny to know who else I'd been with". I had to admit that it turned me on a little to think about and I asked her if things would happen more spontaneously if she does this and she giggled and said "maybe!"

As I said, we'd kind of gotten frisky by now and she reached into my sweat-pants and giggled when she felt my cock was hard and said "well, it seems like this idea turns you on, doesn't it?" And she proceeded to really tease me for a bit. She cooed that "I'm still all wet and sticky from Robbie yesterday" and then she kissed my ear and neck as I slid off my sweats and underwear. She whispered "mmm, soon it might be other guys stuff in me" and she was stroking my cock and as she felt it throb and get harder as she said that she giggled and said "ooh - looks like you like that thought". I know she said it deliberately to see and feel what my reaction would be - I felt her hand firmly on my cock as she said "but you'll still have to wait, right baby?". I couldn't hide my response and I moaned as I knew she was right. She kissed me and she continued to tease me as she felt my cock start to throb and she said "you'll really want me when it's time again for us together" and she again kissed me as she stroked my cock and she added "but until then baby, it'll just be them in me" and she looked up at me with those dreamy sexy eyes and said "that's okay with you, right?". I know she was teasing me and ramping it up and I was right there with her.

I know she was being serious but also that she was playing it all up a lot as she felt my encouragement through my cock! I went along with it, I was so turned on already that it just felt good and not over-think or over-worry about it. As I talked back to her I told her that she'll feel like she's in her 20's again. She moved my hand into place on my cock and she said something like, "show me how much it turns you on!”

Oh boy, this was a different Wednesday night than we'd had in a long time. She seemed excited, maybe for the first time in a while, about something other than what she'd done with Robert. It was intoxicating and exciting!

I played it up with her and teased her back, "so you're going to sleep around a bit, huh?".

It was amazing to see her smile at that and to hear her say, "yeah, maybe....” We bantered back and forth then she said to me, "is it going to turn you on that I might do it with the guys at work?" When I nodded she continued and said, "it was kind of sexy way back when. Do you remember, even you and I would sneak out sometimes at lunch and do it".

I managed to moan back that I always was turned on that she'd spent the rest of the afternoon feeling me in her. She seemed to have a dreamy look about her and she seemed to lose attention on me for a moment until she smiled and said, "yeah, that was fun".

I was pretty close to cumming already, it'd been a while since we'd teased each other like this. I'd felt that she'd become a bit introverted, if you'd call it that in the past few weeks/months, but this was really a turnaround.

I told her that I remembered being turned on meeting with other guys knowing they'd fucked her. She smiled and admitted that she was getting turned on herself with all of this reminiscing and then turned to me and said she loved me so much and that this was a lot of fun.

I think she also knew I was getting to the point where I needed to cum because she looked down towards my hand stroking my cock and she said, "it really does turn you on to think about it, doesn't it?” I moaned back a yes and she then turned it up a bit and said, "think you can still wait till Christmas to feel me again?”

Oh man, that got to me and I felt the beginnings of a huge orgasm stirring. She kept on with her teasing and cooed, "I wonder how many other guys will have be before you do?" and before I could respond to that she added, "... maybe I'll keep track for you; you know, how many times I do it with them ... " another giggled, "... and how many condoms you use up!".

There was more that we said to each other but it’s all mixed up in my head in terms of what and when but suffice to say that as she told me that last tease I let my brain go to that direction. I moaned back that she'd have to tell me when its time and somehow the thoughts in my head thinking about what she'd tell me eventually, whew, my cum spewed and covered my stomach.


Last night as we were watching TV I turned to her and asked, "you were serious about all of that last night, right?"

She looked at me and said, "well, yes, but I did play it up a little bit for you honey...”

We talked for a few moments where she repeated a little of what I'd heard before, that she is missing seeing Robbie and that she thinks 'having other guys' might be a fun way to tide things over till she finds someone else as her next lover; she said all this pretty nonchalantly.

I mulled this over and was about to start to ask her a bunch more but I decided to let it ride for the time being as I know it's more talk than anything right now. We've have Halloween next week (our ******** wants to have her girlfriends over); Thanksgiving just 4 weeks later and then Christmas/New Years so life is going to be kind of busy. However, that said, I won't be at all surprised if 'something happens' at (or rather, after) a holiday-work party as she's already said that there are several being arranged with different departments and such.


Going back to Wednesday, it was very refreshing to feel her 'getting into it' and enjoying a bit more of the banter with me that I know turned us both on. Even if she won't admit it, she masturbates in one way or another while we're having fun on Wednesdays. I notice it more lately, her soft moans and the movements I feel next to me.

She was feeling good and she wanted to know if I wanted to cum a 2nd time. Why would I say no? She teased me more and I think it made her feel even better when I responded so strongly again.

What turned me on was her change in subject to sharing a bit more about that it turned her on to be the 'naughty wife who shares her body with other guys' ... and that's just the way she said it. I told her that it turned me on to think about her being so horny for/with them. She smiled and she said that she hoped I was okay with her new 'desire'.

I told her I wasn't sure, thinking it might be that she wants to have sex with other guys, but she said that it was more of a turn-on for her to think that I have to use condoms with her.

I asked her more about what she was thinking and feeling and she kind of hemmed and hawed a bit until I told her that it obviously turned me on and pointed out my now fully hard cock. She giggled and said that in her head, doing this make her feel like she's in control a bit and that making me wait using condoms makes her feel much more horny and wanton with the other guys. I didn't quite understand it all until she said that, "you not cumming in me makes me want it more with Robbie". She went on to say that now by denying me/her/us of that makes her want to be with other guys more.

She said that her desire for Robert (and now, as she's said, other guys) is much stronger when I don't cum in her either at all or as much. I don't know if it's' in her head or if it's hormonal/chemical. I said I'd noticed that the more she did it with Robert and not me, that the more she seemed to want to do it with him.

She confessed that on the weekends when she let me cum in her again that she feels differently when she goes back to see Robert. Again, whether it's in her head (or in her pussy) that the difference is, and she admitted that, "sometimes I even clean things out down there to get myself mentally back to wanting him more".

I'm not totally sure I'm buying or understanding all of this but hearing this actual desire in her conversation to want to maybe fuck some of the guys she's worked with for years now, it's exciting but it's also a bit unnerving. Actually makes me kind of happy to think that maybe in the near future that it'll be 'safer guys at work' and, if she's back in a college/night-school class that she could be talking about 'guys in class' instead.

I think it's a combination of her feeling very comfortable with me, and with Robert, that's kind of broken the ice-jam and is finally allowing her to accept her own desires. It's quite weird to think of her almost thinking with her pussy much like guys think with their cocks at times but I guess after three decades of just me, she's entitled!


In our playtime on Friday night she shared that, "I'm just teasing you right now you know..... about guys at work....." then she added, "I'm not saying it won't happen, but for now, it's just something I thought I'd have fun with you about....” She teased me more about it as we got into it and in a sarcastically sexy voice she teased, "come on baby, that would turn you on, wouldn't it?" and added little teasers about me meeting them afterwards and knowing they'd have fucked her.

She also said a few things that, while teasing, also had a bit more edge. She's become a lot more at ease and has brought up Dan into our conversations and joked with me again wondering how he would have felt with me using condoms with her. She asked me how I'd have felt if it'd been now and he wanted her to only be with him?

I looked at her and said, "you didn't want to back then. Has that changed?"

"Would that make a difference?" she asked in return. I just nodded as my answer and she smiled and said, "well, I don't want that...”

I thought that was it until she said, "not right now at least".

That made me answer her with another question, whether it might be something she'd want?

She said it wasn't that she'd want it but she looked at me and said that knowing what we've done and had fun with, that she might have wanted to try it, "Think of it baby, it'd just be for a little while but you'd be sooooo horny for me, wouldn't you?”

I told her that I was surprised at her attitude lately and she said, "why?" and then added, "it's been so long since I've felt this good like this" and proceeded to tell me that she loved being able to be so open with me. She reminded me that when we first started going out that we used to talk to each other all the time; she said that I used to love to tell her how wet and open she felt when we were together and she'd done the same for me; she said she loved feeling and knowing that I know it's just playing and that we will always have each other even if we have some kinky fun along the way.

As we started to fuck later on she held my hard cock and she giggled and said, "see, I want this in me ..... I love how you feel in me" and as she guided me into her spread pussy she said, "it's just your cum I don't want right now". Oh my god did that make my cock throb as I pushed into her, something that wasn't lost on her.


I make no secret of it, I like it when Suzanna will take a bit more of a dominant stance and direct what she wants. It turns me on that she's not shy about sharing her private thoughts.

I've said it that in the past few weeks she's definitely cooled off on the intensity she feels towards Robert but she still openly admits that she loves being able to be someone else on Tuesdays and that they both look forward to what has now become something very physical between them.

She's said he is fucking his new lady, with condoms, and she is confident that he is telling her the truth. She's said that as long as she feels comfortable, and that he feels the same way, she hopes and openly states to still 'go over and fuck him on Tuesdays'. She told me how utterly comfortable she feels with him and how effortless it is for her to undress and slip into one of his button-down shirts and join him in the dim light on his couch in front of the gas-fireplace and share a glass of wine. She says that, "knowing he wants to fuck me is such a turn on sitting next to him" and she's briefly described how turned on she gets sitting there, barely dressed, just waiting for his fat cock.

I know she misses seeing him a second time during the week. I think it's why she's become a bit more open at home with me, to bring some of that excitement into our bedroom that she shared with him. She's said that she doesn't mean to hurt me but she's shared several times that she misses how he feels when he's in her. That somehow he just feels different, yes, bigger but different too from me and that she now isn't shy to admit it to me.


She's over her parent’s house now doing some gardening, putting out some fall stuff and Halloween decorations. Her *** seems to have taken a turn for the better recently. The therapists have had him doing a bit of exercise that seems to be helping overall so let’s hope we get through the holidays without any setbacks.


Suzanna was again quite animated last night and I guess I'm still coming to terms with the changes that I’m seeing more and more in her. Certainly it's not a complaint, more of an increased awareness of what her confidence and fun with Robert has brought out in her. She's been candid about it and said that however it worked out, when she was able to leave behind the notion that she wanted this big affair type of thing with him, that since then she says that she's felt like they've been able to talk about everything including these new fantasies.

I asked her if she's shared anything with him about her or our past with other guys. She said she's never shared details but that she's told him that she's been with a few other guys including one who tried to push her too much. Maybe that's what gave him the insight as to the approach that would work with her. All I know is in some ways I wish I could meet him and give him my thanks. In many ways he's brought her the rest of the journey that I started her on.

Last night she succeeded in getting me quite worked up after which we shared an intense 30-40 minutes rolling around on the bed as she seemed to really want me to fuck her deep and hard including her kneeling at the edge of the bed and presenting herself to me. She hissed into the pillow how Robbie loves to fuck her in that position too. In my head, I could feel her pussy gaping open which only reinforced the vision in my head of Robbie fucking the life out of her in that same position. She told me how at times his semen seems almost scalding hot if he lets go in her in that position.

But not last night, despite her screaming through several intense orgasms into her pillow, when it was time for 'us' to cum as a couple there's only one position we love, missionary. She seemed almost giddy to turn over and pull her legs back for me saying, "Come on, it's all warmed up for you!" I already had the condom on and when she reached down to spread her pussy lips apart for me I needed no words, it beckoned me to plunge into her again.

There are times when I am acutely aware of just what I am missing and last night was one of those. My cock was as hard as it had ever been but with the condom I just didn't feel all that much. It was one of those times when I'd just have liked to take the condom off for just a few strokes but at the same time, I'll say it openly, I didn't want to. Crazy as it sounds, the more I thought about not feeling the slick inside of her pussy seemed to fulfil me incredibly.

She was moaning the whole time and I don't think my cock being sheathed in a condom made any difference to her but what I couldn't feel directly, I could feel indirectly, her pussy tightened on my cock and I became very aware of just how wet she was. Her legs wrapped around the back of mine and guided my thrusts to be more upwards and into her than downwards pressing her into the bed. When she cooed, "too bad you can't feel how wet I am" oh man, did it drive me crazy. As she tightened up she looked up at me with these glazed eyes and just said 'harder' a few times until I felt her start to shake and tremble. A second later she let herself go and I followed shortly afterwards with my own thrusts pushing her into a second and then third wave for her.

All of the foreplay had gotten me really churned up and it felt like I'd cum a quart. We lay together for a moment until she nudged me and said, "Careful, don't let it slip off baby". I lifted my body away from her and she put her hands around the base of my cock and slid it and the condom together out.

I wish I could have a picture or a short seconds of a video with the look on her face as she slid the filled condom off my cock. I think she even moaned a little unconsciously but seeing her holding it and how she squeezes the full tip of it, it's almost a little scary at times just how intent she looks and how turned on it makes her. That moment is almost always followed by an intense kiss and hug with her repeatedly telling me she loves me.


I should add that last night we had a bit of a heated discussion when I sarcastically asked her if she, "was going to pee for him again?” She was offended and I apologized for being so crude. It led to a bit of a discussion between us about what she's doing with him and her admission that she feels very uninhibited with him.

She said 'no' to my question, that when it happened previously it was kind of spur of the moment thing and that she'd felt a little weird actually doing it saying, "I'd never peed right in front of anyone before". She giggled and added that she had to close her eyes rather than seeing him watching her!

I told her that thinking about it made me feel a lot like I had in the past when she'd done new things with other guys. She commiserated and said that she could understand how I felt but that she also liked what she was doing. "It's like suddenly I'm just interested in doing all of this stuff.....”

I told her that as long as she didn't hide it from me that I'd be okay with things.

Now she's downstairs, again on the phone with her sister. Before she left me to answer the phone she made it clear that she and Robert had quite the time earlier including teasing me as I walked by her before where she spread her legs and gently patted her pussy through her pants. I am sure she knows I'm sitting up here on the computer with a wicked hard-on waiting for her to come back upstairs.

It's a good thing our ******** is glued to something on TV in the basement!


Tuesday night I was horny and I poked around on the internet and went back to some sites that have cuckold-related stuff. I don't know where I saw it specifically but I read something by others who may have been more insightful than me and the more I thought about it the more it sort of made sense about what we've been doing.

Last night as we were having some fun I kind of shared with Suzanna these thoughts saying that I've been the alpha-male for her for just about 30 years now and that, now, want to experience being the beta-male at times with her. I didn't use the alpha/beta verbiage specifically and our conversation was a lot more than two sentences long but it seemed to resonate with her and she smiled and said that she hadn't ever thought about it that way.

I told her that so that it felt real for me that I liked to hear her tell me that she 'wanted' her lover above me and that it was intense when she did that. She smiled and said she knew it turned me on and then she paused and asked me, "what if it was for real and not just me doing it because I knew it turned you on?"

I held her hand and told her that as long as I didn't lose her that I thought it would be okay.

I didn't ask more at the time but we did talk a bit more about more later. She told me that we will always connect in ways that she could never with other guys, but that it turned her on to know more about what I wanted to feel and experience. She giggled and said, "who knows, maybe some big stud will come my way!"

Needless to say, I was horny at how she responded and how she teased me about, "is that what you want; to have another guy take your place sexually?" Before I could answer she added ,"I guess he already has, hasn't he? You know baby...." and she seemed to enjoy turning me on by saying, "... you know baby, now it's just Robbie that gets to cum in me.....".

It was the incredibly sexy way she said it that blew me away and she knew it. The more she told me about 'how much he cums...' and 'how big he is...' - she was getting into it. It was when she told me how she could feel him cum in her from what she felt and how hot and deep he was, that was it, damn did I cum! She giggled as I spurted away and jerked my cock until I stopped cumming.

It was after that, as I lay there, that I apologized for being a jerk the other day about what she did with him, peeing in front of him. She giggled and said that it wasn't something she did all the time with him but she did say that even though she didn't like it that she felt horny doing it for him like that and again said how strangely sexy she felt as she peed in front of him.

I told her again how it reminded me so much of how I'd felt before.

She said "it turned you on didn't it?”

I nodded yes.


It's not easy to change roles from alpha-to-beta and I don't think I really want it for real but more that she plays it up as if it were for real, including taking more control at as she is with her desire regarding my use of condoms, I think we may have moved towards the borderline of reality versus role-playing.

Regarding her own desires I'm thinking that this is something she wants. I admit it's a little scary to think that way, to see that even after Robert's gone, that we may have reached a point with this that we don't retract from. Her repeated mention of many couples using condoms is what gives me the pause for concern but I balance that with the intensity and desire when we do relax and go back to as we were.

I'm giving her the reins on this one although I may rue the day that I gave in. From the intense pleasures that I get from using condoms, it may be that years from now that I will still be totally committed, perhaps when she no longer even seeing anyone. It is so arousing that our sexuality between each other has taken on this form for symbolism, a condom full of my cum and knowing she's truly chosen this to be our norm.

Thing is, I don't know if she even knows how she feels or thinks about it like this other than to know she's enjoying it right now!


We talked a bit more last night and sort of talked out my newest revelation with her about my playing more of a beta-status sexually at times. She's not into the alpha/beta terminology so I put it more that, "I've been your 'man' for almost 30 years" and I find it very arousing to feel like you're preferring another man sexually over me.

She said she's taken some time to think about it and she feels that, perhaps, her 'fetish' of desiring me to use condoms with her may just be that, that she too is embracing some of this same feeling. She made it clear that no one could ever replace me as her husband, lover, partner and leader of our ****** but that after almost 30 years, that she loves feeling her own sexual freedom to want to enjoy another man as much as she enjoys me. She did admit that knowing she wanted it herself is a big step for her at this point in her life.

She said she's incredibly pleased at how our relationship has developed and that she's becoming very comfortable in how to relate to me with regards to other men including understanding a bit more of what is driving me to accept her new desires.

She did say was that if things do end fully with Robbie that she would want me to resume having sex with her without condoms. She openly admitted that she would 'miss the feeling' but she also said as she held my hand, "if I have other guys, then I want that to be something I just share with them" which I took to meaning she'd want me to continue using condoms with her.

I squeezed her hand and said that we can figure all of that out when the time comes. She giggled at my unintended pun!


We had another bit of a heart-to-heart last night amidst messing around in the bedroom. In one of the closer moments we had she kissed me and said that she'd thought about what I'd said to her re. the alpha/beta thing.

She said again how our relationship is so much more than 'just sex' and that she'd never want to hurt me or us but that if what I'd told her was truly my deepest desire and was what was driving me behind all of this, she said that she'd try to give me more of what I wanted. She said it wasn't easy for her to be talking about and opening up about her fantasies and thoughts with Robert but it had made it easier for her to understand me.

She asked, "you want to feel that it's real?" I nodded and then added that I hoped in her heart that it wasn't though.

She giggled and again said that if she didn't know it turned me on, what she's doing, that it wouldn't mean or feel the same to her. She held my hand and said, "it's knowing that you want me to that lets me let go with them like I do".


One thing that she said to me that made me feel good and seemed to convey that she seems to know me better than I'd thought was when she said to me, "you don't want them to be better than you; you just want to feel that I want them more than you". I think in that instant I felt incredibly more secure in all of this, to know that she understands.

She's out at her parents right now but she's promised later to, "get you to fill that condom for me again".


I am going to say that almost from the first time we used condoms together in almost 2 decades after she had her IUD just put in that even then I recall having profound feelings at how they changed how we felt with each other.

I've re-read this journal and it's reminded me how I felt and how I told her to let Dan be the first. I didn't recognize it then but I do now, that I so loved feeling that she wanted that with him. Even though it was with my encouragement that, in the end, she agreed and in that agreement she told me that she too wanted him to share that first time.

Even now, that drives me crazy to think about. I never dreamed how those strange feelings back then would foreshadow how I feel now. It's crazy to think that in some way, I almost don't want to cum in her of my own desires; it is weird. I feel like she is on this sexual pedestal, knowing what she'll do with others and not me. It just turns me on incredibly.

At times I've wondered why I write all of this here, then at times like these, I am thankful that I had. For as turned on as I am about her letting Dan try out her IUD before me my thoughts of her with Ray are far more revealing, I think, of showing again what I was unable to see that I wanted. I eagerly re-read about how I felt when I wanted her to be with Ray after her IUD was removed. There wasn't even a pretend medical reason I could blame it on as there was with Dan. No. It all seems so clear now, the thoughts and feelings I had knowing she wanted to share that first time truly without any birth-control with Ray; through all of the angst, pain, anxiety and eagerness. Even now when I think of my sweet Sue giving her truly bare pussy to her lover for the first time in over 20+ years it makes me feel like I want to do it all over again and relive every moment. Now, that there will always be that knowledge in the back of my mind.

When she asked me to begin using condoms with her it brought back all of this excitement and incredible arousal. It makes sense to me now, finally realizing and understanding.

It's crazy but I love it.


We've run into Ray a few times while we've been out and about but we haven't gotten closer. If anything, there's a bit more of a distance between us. I haven't asked, but I suspect he feels weird being around me. We were never that close before but I feel that our budding friendship may have been jinxed by what went on.

Suzanna says she still has a soft-spot in her for him but, then again, she admits that she has a soft-spot for everyone. well, other than Dan!


I hope to have more time to write later but at the moment I can say that based on last night, things are changing, that the dynamics between us are changing. It's refreshing and arousing for sure but a little scary. I think describe it as the feeling of taking my hands off the wheel and letting Suzanna steer/drive.

For example, last night she openly teased me and said, "I wonder how Tony is in bed?”

Tony is this guy Suzanna's worked with for ages. He's hit on her in the past but it's been light-hearted and she's given back as good as she's taken too but they've worked together for probably 8 years now.

I looked at her and asked her if he was her first choice as to who she'd 'do at work'. She giggled and said,

"I guess, out of all of them, yeah, he'd be my number one choice.

Here comes the last page of this book so I'll end here before I go too far into my thoughts and will just say I'm not totally sure how to respond to this latest tease from her. It is most definitely is that times they are a'changin'. She's not really asking me about doing it, more asking me how I think it'll be and I'm seeing that she's taking more of the decision-making role.

It was intensely arousing to see and be there with her as she talks so calmly and nonchalantly about whom she is thinking about fucking! She knew I was worked up like crazy last night. She sucked my cock for a bit as I spread her legs and fingered her pussy. I was so hard seeing her spread like that as I moved into position between her outstretched legs. She smiled as she handed me a condom from the box in her nightstand.


On to the next book....