Journal of a Journey - Book 51

I am now home and it is almost 7pm and I have the house to myself. It's a rather weird feeling. I am feeling a combination of being aroused; very edgy and, I guess, annoyed.

I was on the way home today and I came to the realization of what is bothering me lately, it's that this has become something that didn't involve me or her requiring my 'input'. Indeed our talk last Friday was the first time that I'd heard 'details' of what she had decided and, it occurs to me that there was little teasing or building me up as she has in the past, she more or less 'announced' it and has now gone off for the night.

I am rather hoping that building on last Friday, that tomorrow evening, there will be an outpouring of details and we will continue on our newest trend of opening up to each other. If it does not, then I will surely begin to speak up about this being absent. It's not just sharing it with me through her words but I'm hoping she'll return with some new things we can do together to bring back maybe some of the newness and edginess I think I'd felt earlier. Then again I suppose that with our denial-pact in place for another 3 plus weeks the options are limited.

No matter, even without it, I do still thoroughly enjoy what we are doing just as I know how our time together will be when it does happen next. So, while I may be professing displeasure it is still far outweighed by the arousal and intense thoughts and feelings I now have for her.

Suzanna did text me earlier and expressed concerned thoughts for me; she also shared that there were leftovers in the fridge for me and a few beers too!

I'm sure I'll find myself back here later tonight but I may head out and visit some friends or do something else rather than stay here and undoubtedly give in and jerk off.

I must try not to do that; I do want to wait till tomorrow night and share and masturbate with her.


Looking at the clock and seeing it's now almost 9pm I figure if they're not already back at his place then they are surely on their way.

I'm excited for Suzanna for she did seem really up for this when I think about how she sounded. Although I have to say that even with our new 'openness' she still seemed reluctant to tell me what she was looking forward to most. With her father somewhat stabilized, at least for the time, and with our ******** away I don't blame her for wanting to get away for the night.

I'm sure that later tonight I'll succumb to the thoughts and visions in my head and then, after that, I suspect I'll lay awake thinking about her and start to get horny all over again.


I finally heard from her. (I was feeling kind of angsty the later it got but I knew better than to text her.)

I was pleased when she texted me about 30 or so minutes ago and said "Hi honey, hope you're okay and tonight wasn't too bad for you. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Love you."

I know it wasn't much but it also meant she took the time out to send it despite whatever else she was doing so I like knowing she thought about me.


As I'm writing this I'm thinking that I have no idea what she told him about what I think she's doing tonight. Perhaps she's told him more of the truth?

I've said it before, for as much of a jerk that Dan turned into, he did bring a crazy dimension to things at the time and I think was one of my first times where despite the angst, I began to enjoy denial. I admit it was incredible to see her almost submit to Dan and do what he wanted and I think it turned her on to be pushed like that too.

Sitting here alone my thoughts are going all over the place and I've been wondering that rather than her having a young man whether maybe someone older than her would also give us a different experience. For as much as I enjoy the denial aspect I have wondered about what a true three-some, poly-type situation might be like. I'm not sure how Suzanna would feel about that but it's an interesting thought that I might share with her.


It's midnight and I'll end here.

They are most probably settled in for the night and I'm sure if things went well she is naked and spooned up next to him. I'm sure she's worn him out tonight and is probably pleasantly satisfied from him. Perhaps she's comfortable enough with him as she was in the past, to stay with him while she's still wet and filled from him. Now that thought has me at full mast so it is now that time once again for me to enjoy as best as I can while keeping the positive 'up' thoughts in the forefront.

It's strange to say it but I'm happy that she's spending the night with him. I am sure that being pleasured by a younger hunky guy is something that will keep her going for the future. Perhaps tomorrow morning may not be as wonderful as she's planned in her head when maybe the emotions or lack of romance become apparent.

I will also say that I am both pleased and a bit puzzled at my somewhat relaxed attitude tonight. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't like a drug and you don't develop an immunity or tolerance for it so that it becomes more of a norm?

Should I be more upset, annoyed, concerned that she's spending the night with him? I don't feel those things but a part of me thinks I should be.

Have I become numb to it? I don't know but while it doesn't get me upset it does get me horny to think about.

I have the video up that features the girl that looks like a very young Suzanna and it's ready to click play.


It was an odd feeling lying in bed alone last night knowing where she was. I am actually surprised I slept as much as I did. Relieving myself, of course, with the video before finally nodding off surely helped. In my head, oh my, if she did half of that I'll be in awe of her but this morning there is no doubting that I soooo miss her being here.

I woke up and for a moment had forgotten she wasn't here. I feel like totally empty inside emotion-wise, I just feel drained.

My brain went through enough torment last night that now, I just want to have her home tonight. I know that she intends to have some more time with him this evening but then she'll finally return.

The thought that they are probably getting ready together as I'm typing this does have me horny. I know she'd said she was hoping they'd have a 'quickie' this morning and that my baby will be heading off to work all wet from him. Knowing that is incredibly arousing to think about.

I also feel this huge void right now with her not being around and not seeing her prance around in her panties this morning . I'm wondering that even though she does that stuff for my benefit whether this morning she might be missing the thrill she gets from it too.

I think I may have been too hasty in my thoughts yesterday that she doesn't 'share' with me enough. I'm now thinking that it is merely changing how she shares with me and such.

I just know that I feel somewhat emotionally unsteady this morning which I suppose is a good thing as it must mean I do care and love her underneath it all. I really can't find the words; it's too much for me to try to explain.

Hopefully today will go by quickly at work and we'll be together not too late tonight.


I got a text message just a few minutes ago: "Good morning sweetie - hope you had an okay time last night. I'll tell you more about mine later tonight, promise. Have a nice day. Miss you. Love you.”

It's hard to stay down when she surprises me with that, again knowing she had to remember and think about sending it to me while she was undoubtedly still with him. I suspect that with it being just after 8am, that she's now on her way to work, probably happy as can be and yet all I can think about is her pussy probably being full of his cum from their time this morning.

I know I should be annoyed or upset or whatever but yet it seems like every few moments my thoughts go back to that and it makes me horny.


She called me earlier this afternoon at work and I took the call and went outside to talk. She told me that she'd had a wonderful time on last night and then asked, or actually, told me that she was going back to his place after work. She said it was 'to pick up some stuff she left there' but I know better. She said she'd be home by about 7:30pm and said at the time that I should wait for her to eat dinner.

Later she texted me that I should probably eat dinner without her.


Another hour or so and my baby will be home. I don't think it bothered me that much last night or this morning but it's kind of hitting home that she's not here and the house is empty. I know we won't be having sex tonight and that I'll be masturbating while she, hopefully, shares details and I am soooo looking forward to just holding her in my arms.

Seems weird to be waiting for her knowing where she is right now and that she went back to his place instead of coming straight home.


Right now I am still trying to fully digest everything that happened last night.

Robert pretty much knows everything that's going on. She's told him more recently after he started to ask her if he was her first lover. She said that I did and still do have a health issues but that he now knows that I am okay with what she's doing and he now knows that I know she spent the night with him.

The openness that started last week has really struck her and she's now feeling comfortable and confident in what she wants and that the way I'd described how I felt made her realize that she doesn't always have to do things that exactly mesh with what I may want.

I didn't know where she was going with this conversation until she said that she didn't like what we were currently doing and that it wasn't working for her. I was happy to hear this for she shared sort of some of what I'd said about how I felt less involved.

I was all ears and she said that while she was enjoying this 'denial-thing' (as she calls it), that she didn't like it being governed by the calendar. As she said,"I don't want the calendar dictating when we do and don't have sex". I wasn't sure what she was saying until she said that there had been times when she's come home after being with Robert that she'd like to have been more intimate with me. I told her that she could have always done that and she giggled that, "yes, now I know that" but at the time she felt bound by our agreement as she thought it was something that I wanted. I was all psyched as she said that she still wanted to tease me and yes, deny me.

Then the conversation went in a direction that I didn't expect. She said to me that she wanted to change how we play with the 'denial-thing'; she told me that she doesn't want me to cum in her.

I was speechless.

She told me how this was something 'she wanted' and that it wasn't forever or anything like that, she said that she wanted it for 'nights like tonight, when I want to be with you too'. She slid over next to me and acted all sexy and continued to tell me that she's felt this way for a long time that she wanted to try this when it was right and that it feels right now. She told me, "I've been telling you this for a while too" and told me again how much she liked watching me.

She cooed in my ear, "you even told me that it turned you on too". I know I had said it to her; she wasn't wrong.

A moment later she reached into her purse and pulled out a small 3-pack box of Durex Bare condoms that are really really thin. She said, "these are the best" and passed me the pack. She then held and hugged me and said, "... this means a lot to me".

We talked for quite a while and although I said that I wasn't in favour of this she convinced me to give it a try. She justified by saying that she wanted this to be something I did for her in terms of both using them but also for me to not always question or ask or try to avoid using them.

She asked me that in future when we are going to have sex that she'd like for me to just assume that I should use one unless she decides at the time that I don't have to. She didn't want me to continually ask ('pester' was the word she used) to not have to use them. She held my hand and said, "it's going to turn you on just the same way when you get to feel me again" and how this way she gets what she wants too, not having my cum in her.

So it was after 10pm last night and all of this talk and after her getting naked and sharing both herself and details from her time with Robert, that I didn't know if she'd wanted me to masturbate (I was surely horny enough) or if she wanted me to fuck her and use a condom. She let me touch and feel around the lips of her pussy, giggled and said, "Just the outside Baby," and my cock was as stiff and hard as it has ever been

She looked up at me as I stroked and asked, "do you want to try one out?”

It was either use a condom or not feel any more of her pussy and masturbate. I smiled at her and said, "okay".


I think that she now feels very comfortable taking control of things for herself and what she wants. I am still trying to get my thoughts together.

I did use one of the condoms last night but it's really only now that I'm digesting it all for despite talking for a long time it all seemed to happen very quickly. She lamented that she wasn't going to get to watch me and jokingly suggested that I could always pull out of her and let her watch. I tried to use the argument saying I could do just that, not use a condom at all and pull out but she shook her head saying no, she wanted to be sure of things.

So, despite my dislike of condoms, I was rock hard. Her pussy looked so wet and, yes, very open and I asked if she'd let me go down on her and lick at her more but she didn't want that, she said she wanted to try this out, using a condom or, if I wanted, ".. you can masturbate; I'd love to watch."

I may regret saying this but I rolled the thing on and actually it wasn't that bad. Whatever the 'Bare' condom is made of it felt pretty good and could still feel her and, my god, she felt slippery and open as I slid inside her. Yes, it was a little numbing but at the same time, hearing her tell me how much it turned her on to think of her just letting Rob have her, it really got me going and I began to regret jerking off on Tuesday night!

As I pushed back and forth she again told me how, "this is no different really, you weren't going to cum in me for another few weeks anyway, right?”

Then she said, "Knowing I'm only having Robbie's stuff in me seems to really make me want him more". I'm thinking (hoping!) she said that as she knew from what I'd told her that the thought turned me on too.

I gave into it and, as I said, it wasn't that bad. Yes, she teased me all the while (especially at the end which didn't take me all that long to reach!) and she told me from now on how she would only have Roberts cum in her and how sexy it was that I would do this for her.

The thought in my head that it was his cum in her that was lubricating the condom and that I might get to do this again and more with her really turned me on and in the end it was all too much and man did I ever let go. She squealed and said she could still feel me cum and that she liked that a lot.

As I relaxed after cumming and I slipped out of her, she reached down and pulled the used condom off my cock and giggled, "I like this a lot too" as she played and pinched at the pool of cum in the tip. She leaned up towards me and pulled me down to her and kissed me with incredible passion and she said, "thank you; I love you so much".


I can't even begin to start to share what's in my head right now. While it is a little scary I have to say that the adrenaline rush I feel at this newfound thing with her is just incredible! She surely knew we needed a spark. I think she's found a whole fire!!

I admit I love to see her enjoying taking control. It's what I've wanted, to see her confident enough to say what she wants sexually as she used to be comfortable doing. Yes, this may not be my cup-of-tea, but it is clear that she's now at the point where she can enjoy this for herself and not on behalf of either me or someone else. She's said again how none of this is any of Robert's doing and that is just so sexy to me, that this is 'all her own work'.

Maybe I'm crazy for going along with this but when she told me that she'd felt this same sort of disconnect with me and then told me that this is how she wanted to be able to share things with me and yet still keep an edge to them (my words not hers) then how can I possibly say no? Crazy, yes, but seeing her now so focused and aware of her own sexuality is really intense to experience with someone you love.


Suzanna shared some more with me what they have been talking about over the past couple of weeks. She said that this was against the background of her realization that this wasn't going to be this huge-emotional affair with him. She said he'd asked if he was her first/only lover she had revealed that she's had several lovers before him. He'd asked again if I knew what was going on and she said that she kept with the original part of 'our' story, that because I had medical issues which limits our sex together I was relaxed about knowing what she was doing .... which while not entirely true, satisfied him as an answer. She's said that he has not said or encouraged or pushed her to do any of this and that is why I think I am turned on by it all, it's something she wants.

The conversation led up to her sharing her decision of becoming more solely his. She said how she'd felt a desire to try this, to be exclusive with her lover and yes, to only have him cum in her. She reminded me that this was something that Dan brought it up and pushed her to do and how at the time she couldn't or wouldn't think of it as she was aware of the response it would have caused from both of us including from her that she'd never wanted to accept it. However, as she has said many times now, that it makes her feel almost wicked to only have sex with her lover. She said it was a thought that was reawakened when she thought that she might fall-in-love (affair-wise) with him. She said that she was surprised to feel that desire and that it made her much more aware of everything that was going on that surrounded it. It's clear that recently she's become more vocal and animated about enjoying that I don't cum in her at times.

She said that the way I opened up to her last week and how she felt she could open up to me (especially the parts where she shared that she'd wanted things and how I was about her spending the night with Robert) that my response to it had convinced her that she could finally feel comfortable expressing her own desires to me.

I guess she's been signalling this desire to me for a while now with all of the comments on prior Wednesdays and I liked how she put it, that it is denial, just in a different way. I have to admit it was very arousing last night to know what I was doing (and what I wasn't going to be doing) as I put on that condom. I will say the pleased look on her face when I pulled out of her did make me feel good about it all.

I also took to heart her request that she not have to ask or remind me. I know that wasn't easy for her to ask that of me; to do that for her on my own when she wants to have sex with me. I will say that it arouses me to think about it but I am at the same time a little concerned, obviously.


This is my own doing and now I am aware that I have, perhaps, unleashed a monster.

I'm still stunned that she actually bought condoms for me to use with her. I think that really said to me how serious she wanted this to be in that sense. I should have added that as she handed me the condoms last night she again said what she's always said, "if you ever need to really feel me, you can you know," which I'm guessing she considers her being absolved of having to be concerned about me; a sort of the opposite of a safe-word.

I don't yet know what to think. A lot of it is going to depend on how she is with me and what she now desires in terms of denial or other things. One thing for sure, it's put a spark back into our fire which I think we both sensed needed a bit of stirring up.

She says the openness I shared with her last week helped her accept her own desires. I supposed I'm a little scared here but I wanted to be a cuck and now I am officially one in all definitions. If it goes well, it'll be fun.

I still believe she wants it to be good for me or, at least, as good as it can be.


Suzanna made sure last week and Wednesday night that I meant what I have been saying all along, that I would go along with whatever she would decide to do. Maybe I've been wearing rose-colored glasses a bit too long to maybe not have seen or picked up on this.

There was no ultimatum (definitely, it wasn't that I missed it in my optimistic view of things) and it is clear that she genuinely wants to do this for herself and, as I continue to think about it, it's apparent that she'd like my support this time.

In her talk about denial and her not being happy with how things were between us with the strict-calendar-like imposition she said how she'd missed sharing some of her excitement with me instead of just narrating it to me. So I'm thinking this is also a good thing if this is how she'd like to stay connected to me while still, in her mind, being the naughty wife with the well-hung lover.

I still wonder if Robert has some involvement in this although if he has had a role, she hasn't said anything specific to make me think so. I actually think it's the opposite, that in some way she is maybe filling in for what she may not be seeing in him?

I am curious about her reference to Dan as I've always felt she was incredibly responsive with him and that he knew how to push her. In a way, I'm laughing because a part of me thinks maybe this thing with Robert is either not getting more intense for her (may even be on the wane) and that this is her way of making it have a bit more edge again. On the other hand, if the sex has only gotten better for them then it could be a case of the flame burning hottest before it burns out .... or is that the optimist in me thinking that way?


I haven't asked about August yet. I don't know how she'd feel about us going away on a vacation and not enjoying that part of sex together and yet I think I know already that I'll obviously say okay if she does ask it.

In a way it does make me kind of horny to think about it.


She’s going to see him today, at least that's what she said to me last night. It's the last night with our ******** away so I never had any doubts that she wouldn't go see him. She said she's not spending the night but that she was going to be there till late tonight. She hugged me this morning and said that it would 'all be okay for us' and that she has a really good feeling about all of this right now.

I don’t think this has been a sudden change in her if her admission was truthful, some of this is rooted back when she was with Dan. I had always wondered back then if I hadn't put up such resistance, whether she'd have gone along with his requests back then.

Perhaps I ought to buy her a surprise present, flowers would be nice and since I have time later tonight after work, maybe I'll also buy a 12 pk of condoms and gift wrap them and give them to her with the flowers. That should make her smile and will let her know I’m are alright with this turn of events and I’m not upset.

There are still 2 condoms left in the 3-pack she bought so that's plenty for tonight; which promises to be a late night at that!

It's just incredible that even now, there are new surprises from her and when I look at her, I see a new dimension to her. She still insists that Robert has made no demands or even requests regarding her and me and that's what's really intoxicating to me, that this is her doing; her desire.

I did not buy any condoms after all. I am going to go along with her request (as if I have a choice anyway, right?) and I am not assuming anything about what will happen tonight when she comes home. I would say that I have no expectations for her wanting to have sex with me as she hasn't teased or suggested anything about waiting for her to come home as she usually does. However, if I get lucky, I will certainly replace them when they are used.

I will say that I was surprised at the condoms she bought for as far as condoms go, they are very nice. They're not latex but polyurethane and are supposed to let you feel things better including heat and friction. I admit I was a bit blown away when she produced them but it wasn't that bad using them. I wonder if she took advice when she bought them. Whatever, it was nice sharing the moment with her.

It is weird in a way. I mean just a few years ago I'd never have thought I'd feel this way about her; that I would want her to do what she's doing. I know that she shares more than just her body with him and it's obvious they talk and do more than just fuck. She obviously felt comfortable enough with him to tell him something more close to the truth.


It’s after midnight and I did try to stay off the computer but eventually I gave in and have been surfing and watching videos waiting for her to get home.


It's now just after 1am here and she just texted me that she's finally on her way home. I texted back that I was still up and I'd wait for her to come home. She sent back a smiley face and a bunch of x's and o's.


When she got home in the wee hours of the morning, it was apparent that she was pretty tired and when I didn't ask or push, she merely told me she was very tired and wanted to get ready for bed. We talked just a bit with her giving me just, "had a nice time" kind of responses until I asked again and she looked at me and said, "do you want to hear that I came with him? Is that what you want to know?” I guess I nodded my head because she said "of course I did" and she smiled at me and said "so did he .... okay, now you know?". It wasn't an annoyed exchange or anything because she smiled and came over to me and kissed me and said "I"ll tell you all about it tomorrow and yes, you can have some fun with me tomorrow night, okay?”

So, that was like about 2am by the time we turned the lights out. I was tired or I'd have had a million more thoughts in my head than I already had - but the reality was, I was tired too.

We haven't talked yet today but I'm sure later tonight we will.....

They pretty much spent the night together, she said it is different and so much nicer than just seeing him for a few hours .... as if I didn't know that!

She was, shall we say, more descriptive about her time with him and I appreciated that. She said that she felt very sexy driving over to his house knowing she was going to sleep with him that night. She actually said she felt horny from earlier in the morning with me when we were getting ourselves ready for work and she knew that I was watching her pick out what she'd wear for him.

I knew they would be staying in and have dinner at his place rather than waste the time going out somewhere. She said he's not much of a cook so when she got there she laughed when he presented her with her choice of places that deliver, Chinese, Italian, etc. I joked with her that he obviously wasn't trying to impress her.

My horniness began when she told me how she went into his bedroom to get changed and washed up and how, as she stood in front of the mirror in just her panties, he walked in and turned her around and hugged her. She said that he'd surprised her and that before she knew it he had her panties on the floor. She told me how he undressed and they showered together. I was kind of amazed at how quickly this happened, she said it wasn't more than 15 minutes after she'd gotten there.

Some of this she told me before she announced her decision on condoms and some after and now recalling it I can see how she got me very horny before she dropped the bombshell on me. She surprises me sometimes.

I'll admit that there are times when I do think that maybe we shouldn't have done all of this; that maybe I shouldn't have encouraged her to sleep with another guy; that, when I do think about it, maybe I don't like Robert or anyone else cumming in her. Yeah, there are times when she'll have her panties on and I'll wonder why we did all of this and that I don't like sharing her pussy.

Then there are other times when I just seem to have a totally different attitude about it. So, she fucks Robert; she is right, it does make me very horny to think about her lying under him, her head thrashing back and forth, her legs back and her toes curled as she cums under him. I think about it every time I look at her and most certainly every time I have her pussy knowing she shares it so freely, at these other times, it makes me horny as all heck to know what she does. I'll admit that the thought of his semen in her so much makes me wickedly horny and as I'm sure she knows, her request for me to use condoms with her is very intensely arousing.

She said they didn't fuck until after dinner had arrived (Chinese food!) but she wasn't shy when she told me that she'd lie back on his bed and let him go down on her until she'd cum. He loves that she is able to cum so freely at times and that she can most definitely go more than once. She wore one of his shirts at dinner and I smiled when she said it was so hard to focus on eating.

Just before she made her condom announcement she told me how he'd had her kneel at the edge of his bed and he fucked her the first time from behind. It wasn't the position but it was how she said it and how she described feeling him fill her pussy with his big cock that really got to me. Again she said he didn't cum but she'd again cum several times and that she wanted to feel him more.

I had the condom on as she told me how she finally lay back on his bed and he got on top of her missionary-position; it was so erotic how she sounded when she told me how she felt when he came in her that first time. She described the little things like she used to, how she could feel her lower back rubbing on the bed sheets with each thrust from him and, I'll never forget her telling me, how she felt his hands reach under her and grab her butt; how he pulled her open from that position.

She lay back on our bed and invited me to put my rock- hard condom covered cock into her. As soon as I was in she started to tease and remind me that she would only let him cum in her. Hearing her say that made me erupt!

I was pretty drained after that but she did tell me more about that night with him. She giggled when she said that she doesn't run out of his room any more after he's cum in her; that she's 'way past' that point with him and now after he has cum that they lay there watching TV naked next to each other. She said that after a few minutes she felt his hand on her butt and then it working its way around to her pussy.

I admit cringing a bit when she told me she hunched her hips back and let him play with her still swollen cum filled pussy. I asked if that was all they did and she gave me a look like I was crazy and said, "nooo silly". She went on to say they lay there and she let him play with her as they eventually started talking and ignoring the TV.

I admit to not being totally comfortable with this part, the both of them lying there naked like that and talking. I know it's a silly thing not be comfortable with given I'm okay with the fucking but anyway she said they talked and eventually got up to get cleaned up.

She didn't share much about the time they were together outside of being in bed, only that they didn't fuck again that night. I see it as evidence of her taking control with him too when she told me that she was the one who told him, "save it for the morning". All she did tell me was that just after she'd sent me the text message saying goodnight, that Robert came out of the bathroom naked and got into bed with her and that they both slept naked together.

She was far from shy telling me about waking up next to him and reaching over and feeling his semi-hard cock. She said he laughed and said that was his kind of alarm clock after which she proceeded to tell me that she went into the bathroom and was quite open about telling me that she knew he could see her peeing on the toilet but she didn't care. She seemed to enjoy telling me that she could see him a moment later standing in front of the toilet when they changed places as she waited for him on his bed.

I was pretty spent after cumming but she told me that they had sex after he came back. She said he was really hard and that she got up on top of him but that he put her on her back when he finally reached the point where it was his turn to cum.


It's becoming more and more interesting. She told me something last night that gave me food for thought. She told me that she's known I've had some sort of desire to, "have to use condoms with me" ever since I volunteered to using one that night so long ago after she'd gotten her IUD. She reminded me that, "I knew you wanted to use one even though you didn't have to."

Somehow she has interpreted that as indicating that she's also known since back then that I've been turned on by the idea of another guy using her pussy exclusively when I encouraged her to share that first-time with just her IUD with her lover instead of me.

As we got into it last night she started to talk to me very sexily and with a bit of sarcastic tease, "Tell me baby, you like the idea of not cumming in me, don't you?" and stuff like that. Man, did she have me turned on.

She apologized for being so tired on Friday when she came home but last night after we'd had dinner and with our ******** back home and out like a light about 10pm (she was exhausted from her trip) Suzanna said to me that she was sorry about last night. I actually wasn't totally sure what she was sorry about until, as she stood there she slid down her panties which was clearly a signal for me.

She lay down on the bed and didn't object when I went down on her. ... and she didn't restrict me to just the outside. I didn't ask and, I guess it being a day later, she was okay with me spreading her pussy lips apart and revealing her now well-used vagina. There's something about seeing her pussy, not gaping, but certainly open which is incredibly exciting.

She let me lick, suck and enjoy all that there was to her pussy. I could definitely taste Robert’s semen in her, I imagined it to be a slightly bitter taste underneath her sweetness. When she'd cum several times she kind of pulled up at my shoulders and arms, a signal that she was ready.

I didn't ask, I didn't even flinch, as I moved up onto my knees between her spread legs. My cock was certainly hard enough and when I looked up at her she had a broad smile on her face as I reached for the condom.

I admit it was an intense moment and I had a passing thought maybe I should tell her I really needed to feel her; that I wanted to push my cock into her just once before I put the condom on my cock .... but I didn't. I gave in to give her this time the way she wanted it. I rolled it down over my cock and even I had to smile at how big and hard it looked encased in clear plastic.

She did cum as I fucked her. I could definitely feel her pussy tightening and her body clenching as she moaned loudly but I knew it may have been more from the mental aspect of me using the condom with her than my actual fucking her but it didn't matter to either of us. I could feel her pussy get wetter as she moaned under me and, yes, I definitely missed feeling her sweetness on my bare cock as she shuddered having her first orgasm..

She moaned, "only Robbie gets to cum in me" and then she looked up at me and said, "I hadn't even thought but his is the only cock that can feel me inside too baby!"

That thought did get to me, that I may not get to feel her bare for a while; damn, did that get to me? I felt like my cock grew huge inside her as I really got into it. She lay back and pulled her legs back for me and she giggled and said, "come one baby, it's your turn now" and then she added, "... it's nice that it won't be so messy when you're done".

My head was reeling, we'd only been fucking for maybe 10-15 minutes and I could feel I was on the edge of a huge orgasm. She must have felt it too because she looked up at me and said, "come on baby, fill that condom for me" and that was it, just hearing her tell me that did it. I'm sure I'll get more used to all of this but not last night. I heard her say that and I started to grunt and I could feel a good 5 or 6 spurts before I collapsed down against her.

She hugged me tightly as I came down from my orgasm and she whispered how she loved me as I lay against her. When it was time a few minutes later I moved off of her and we both watched as I pulled my now softening cock out of her pussy. I knelt back on my knees and she sat up and she was the one who pulled the condom (now loose) off my cock and she held it up looking at the pool of cum in the tip. I was quiet as she played with it, squeezing it, as she whispered, "you came a lot baby". A second later she looked up at me with this glassy look in her eyes and she said "it turns me on so much that this isn't in me ..." and with that she rubbed her clit just for a moment and she seemed to cascade into her own orgasm.

I was just amazed looking at her like that, it took her like a second to rub herself and go over the edge. It was just for a moment though because a second later she giggled, sat up and said, "whew, I needed that" then she looked at me and with the condom in her hand said, "what should we do with this?" as she dangled it with my cum filling the tip.

I halfway thought she might suggest I eat it or something but instead with a little smile on her face she just tied it in a knot and said, "I guess it just goes in the trash now, huh?"


She just left and I have some more time to write.

So, like I said above, she said that she's known all along about all the stuff I've fantasized about and that when she heard me say it all to her again, she says she realized that this is something that she wants to have fun with me.

After I'd cum in the condom and she'd joked with me, she turned a bit serious and said, "is it so bad?". I was thinking about my answer and she looked at me and said, "it's okay to have stuff like this turn you on, you know". It was as if she was providing the answer for me.

I looked at her and said something about it not being what I'd thought. She held my hand and she said that she knew on the one hand that I'd love her just to come home from Robert's and to be with me like husband and wife adding, "... we'll have that sometimes" then she held my hand and said that on the other side that she found herself really turned on, "... like you get" thinking about the kind of fun we just had. She squeezed my hand and asked me, "wasn't it good?”

I had to admit to her that it was very intense. She looked up at me and said in this really sympathetic and sexy voice, "it's okay if you like Robert fucking me". She said she didn't totally understand it still but she knew it turned me on and she said that I shouldn't fight it so much at times. I started to say that maybe she was right and she came closer to me and said something like, "I'll say it if you will after me".

I was confused at what she meant and said, "Uh, okay?"

She looked at me and without flinching or looking away said, "I want just Robbie to cum in me".

My heart instantly began pounding; she looked at me and said, "I only want you to say it if you want for it too". She paused and I'll never forget how she spoke when she said, "I think you want to, I think you've wanted to try this for a long time now, haven't you?"

I was speechless for just a few seconds but even now thinking back, it seemed like forever as I tried to find the words.. "I don't...." was what I started to say and she kissed me and said, "all those times when I thought you let me go back for more; now I know, you wanted me to go back, didn't you?".

My head was spinning. She was bringing up so much different stuff that I was confused. I looked at her and I finally took a big breath and asked, "how long have you wanted this for?".

She was quiet but then again said, "Since, you know, when Dan was being pushy for it and I thought then that you was turned on by what he'd asked. I thought you wasn't entirely happy to let me go to him day after day but now I think that you wanted me to, didn't you?"

I still didn't know how to answer but she looked at me closely and again said, "it's okay if it's something you want, I just want you to say it to me".

She lay back against the bed and she spread her legs apart. Wow, her pussy looked so swollen and reddened especially when she pulled it apart. "Does it turn you on to think about it?"

I knew what she was asking; she didn't need to say it. "I think you want it but can't say it, is that right? It's OK Baby, that's how I felt till it just seemed right last week".

It seemed as if the entire time was in slow-motion when I'm sure this took only maybe a minute or two but in that minute or two the entire world flashed before my eyes. She looked up at me and I knew she was trying to make it easier for me to say and by this point I was going to tell her anyway. She said, "You'll have me again baby, I promise, but it's going to be something special for us .... can you wait to feel me again till then?"

My throbbing cock was starting to throb at her teasing and I started to say something when she rolled up onto one elbow, sat up to lean on me and said, "I'll still love you no matter what kinky stuff you like to try you know.....".

Feeling her hug me melted any resistance I may have had, I felt like I had to say it and it just came out, I said, "okay. We can try this .... the condom wasn't so bad".

She pulled away from me and looked at me and said more forcefully, "I want you to say it baby".

I looked at her and after a second I said, "okay, for now I won't cum in you". She didn't move and just breathed in and I realized what she wanted me to say to her was, "... and only Robbie will cum in you". As I said it her whole face brightened up, she hugged me tightly and said, "thank you. You are right, this is a lot of fun when we do it together".

As she held me in our caress I said, "Have you've been thinking about this for long?"

She hugged me harder and said that she'd been too preoccupied with Peter to really notice much about how I was responding to the 'denial thing' other than she knew that, "... you liked a naughty wife...." She said it was when Dan started to push her about denying me in favour of him that although she said she wasn't ready for it she noticed my responses. Then there were other actions and she brought up both the first time with the IUD that, "... you wanted that same feeling again when I had it taken out and you let me go that first time too". It was then she knew that I had this arousal at this kind of stuff.

She said that she'd started to feel more free about sharing this sort of thing with me but when we talked so openly and I said the things that I did, that she seemed to feel like she could too. She said, "I started to think back about lots of things you did and said about being denied me and me giving myself to my lover more.

I asked her about her, "Wasn't this getting too deep with Robert?"

She said, "don't you worry about that baby .... we both know what’s going on now and he thinks it's fun what we're doing but it's not more than that for either of us". Whether it was meant to reassure me that this was just all about the fucking, I don't know, but she then began to extol about how big his cock gets sometimes and again how he loves that she can take it all.

I mentioned that there must have been plenty of pillow-talk when they weren't fucking. She said that yeah, they do talk closely and openly about most everything but she says that it's never been where they are professing their love or attraction for each other.

She gave me that smile and said, "Of course I tell him how good it was and he tells me how he seems to always want me but there isn't any of that lovey-dovey talk."

Now, I'm horny again thinking about all of this.


I want to say that this isn't always easy for me. No matter what, it is my wife who is going off and having her good time and then eventually coming back to me. I do feel a lot of angst at times, a lot of, let’s say, less than good feelings. I try to find things to do to occupy my time but, no matter what, I know what she's doing.

Even after all this time I admit to having second thoughts. I realize she's taking more control, and I think that's maybe this is the last fear that I think we are both working our way through. I am sure there will be time when I will regret decisions or things that I've said or actions that have been put into motion but she has promised that if I ever truly need her that I can have her. Perhaps that is the ultimate test that maybe we're both looking for.

It scares the heck out of me to think that she might wait for me to make that decision of when I need to feel her again versus her telling me she wants me bare one night. Thinking about it gives me the most intense arousal

What I can say is that so far, it's all been mainly good. I admit that at times I do think about and even sometimes regret having started all of this but the rest of the time, I guess because she's been good to and with me all along that I just don't have the apprehension that even I thought I'd have.

I admit that it is a bit different (and sometimes too much for me to admit to myself) but I do like that she has sex with other guys. For years now every time I look at her, naked or dressed, it's simply turns me on too much to try to deny that I like the images I have of her like that having sex with other guys. It even sounds weird to me at times but it is what it is. It was one of the things that drew me to her and that's become very apparent to me now.

Right now, I think that she knows me very well and knows exactly what turns me on, even if I won't admit it to myself. That she's been listening and putting it all together is one thing but, then again, I suppose it's the sign of a good marriage of two people growing together. Maybe this is a sign of a good thing that she's accepted it and now, in a strange way, that she's taking my own fantasies as starting points for her own.

I'm going to say it again, seeing her wanting this; wanting to try this and, yes, wanting to have fun with it with me, I think this is maybe the next place for us to go together.


I will say that I have a much more relaxed attitude about Suzanna and Robert and their time since she's admitted that it's not going to turn into a big emotional thing between them. I would say most definitely, that if that had happened, that I saw things in her that I saw when she was seeing Peter where there was ,danger, then I would most likely not be sitting by idly and enjoying the torment; I would be much more on the edge.

I accept I'm a cuckold but then that depends on how being a cuckold is defined. To me, I enjoy knowing my wife will have sex with her lover and now, with the denial of me, to me that defines, at least some of the essential parts of it. You might say that because I haven't totally ceded control that I'm not and, to be honest, this is one area that I do have some worries about. Suzanna most definitely has a part of her that enjoys being in control and I love her and if she truly wanted to completely in charge then I probably wouldn't say no. Then again, I'd also be lying if that wouldn't worry me, mainly from me knowing it and not necessarily from her doing anything but knowing she could....

I think I want to try the safe-word thing; I'm thinking that perhaps the last night we're away in August that I'll probably 'insist' on having her bare if she hasn't agreed to it before then. At least that's my thoughts for right now.


You might as you read these entries wonder about 'Suzanna's side of things'. I've always tried to present what she tells me as well as what I see and tried to fill in the blanks from what I know or think.

For example, she's said 'it's nothing' when I've asked about the time they spend together when they're not in bed but I'm sure that they aren't just lying there watching TV. She's said that they just talk about anything and everything, "really no different than you and I" but, to be honest, it's the part that I try to avoid thinking about. I know that if she's like she is with me that she is nestled up against him, both still naked, and that his hand is probably caressing her breasts or even enjoying running his fingers through her wet pussy as she'll let me do at times.

I'm not naive, I know these moments happen, just as I'm sure that at one point or another she's told him she loves him whether it's as she's cumming with him, as she'll often yell out, or whether it's him caressing the small of her back as she lays there falling asleep next to him. I know these moments very well and I know it's not all innocent.

However, thinking about those moments also turn me on incredibly. I do love the eroticism of it, that she is letting herself enjoy that moment with her lover. It wasn't easy the first time I saw her with another guy and it really never does change, I think I've just gotten used to the shock side of it and now am more focused on her pleasure and her arousal.

It's much the same way as I still get a thrill peeking through the doorway or spying on her as she masturbates. I question if it's any different as she looks so beautiful as she brings herself to the edge over and over again. To see her bury the dildo deep in her pussy and to see her body respond as she writhes in pleasure, it's beautiful.

Now it's so much of the same beauty with another guy doing it to her but whether I'm seeing it in person or, as now, I can only see it from what she says and shares it doesn't matter, it's still beautiful.


She's not seeing Robert tonight but she's already said she will see him tomorrow, Tuesday evening.

I should also add that she's definitely relaxing the whole panty-thing. She came to bed last night with just a long-t-shirt on and she saw that I noticed. She giggled and said, "it's not an invitation" but as with everything else, she said I shouldn't assume anything was different.

She did have panties on this morning. I didn't ask anything, I'm just taking all of this in, seeing what she wants.


The subject of 'the future of Suzanna and Robert' hasn't come up recently but based on what she's shared in the past and what I see now, my suspicion is that come September or October that things are going to begin to wind down. I know from the past that once we get into the holidays, that her time tends to become more and more consumed by things at home and in the ****** so if things haven't already faded by then, I suspect that her time constraints will most likely hasten it along.


Suzanna hasn't really mentioned anything about Robert looking for a future partner recently. Then again, I'm not sure that's something that they'd talk about or share after sex.

One thing for sure is that she has spoiled him both in her willingness and ability to take all of him and his big cock. I can't say that I've felt much of a difference myself when it's been my time with her, but I suppose she does feel a bit looser in a way, especially as I can feel it through a condom. She said that he hasn't been with many women who are able to accommodate him so she may have altered his desires in that sense. Similarly, she says that his desire to be a father is still there and that outside their play with the subject during sex, that he most definitely still wants that.

I will say one other thing on this subject and that's that Suzanna most definitely knows she's in the rebound-position right now. She's made reference to him wanting to wait at least a year or more before he is ready for anything serious relationship-wise.


I wonder about how this will end for them.

When it does wind down, I don't think that Suzanna would want to share him sexually, especially not if the other woman he would be with might be a potential future wife for him. I think if she found that out, that she would decrease their time together, if she detected that he was at all serious. Indeed, I'm pretty sure she'd sever things with him. That's how she felt when Peter moved away with his ****** but when, if, it happens then just like then she'll need my comfort and support.

I'm unsure as to what else might be included in things between them. For sure her latest request has kind of thrown me a bit. I do think that they (or at least she) are going to want to try to spend another night or more together with him. She hasn't said it, but I expect it.


Even now, I know that she's over seeing Robert and that probably in another 30 minutes or so that she'll come home to me. I'm not anticipating sex with her but I did buy another box of condoms (a 12 pack this time) on my way home and I'll show them to her.

I admit it felt very weird buying them. In the past it was for specific reasons such as when we were looking to have our own kids and her doc suggested she had a few months off the pill before trying that I used them; more recently when she had her IUD fitted for the same kind of reason. However, this time I was buying them for just general use. I will say that it did strike me and make me think ( as well as getting me horny) as I stood in line with them. I admit that I looked around to see if anyone I/we knew was in the store at the time as they may have found it a strange thing for me to be purchasing. Even now, looking at the box on the counter in the bathroom they have the same symbolism and meaning (and effect!) as I think about with regards to her panties, they are symbolizing what she wants to share only with her boyfriend.


It's just after 6pm now and I'm going to go get some dinner started for all of us as our ******** has already said, "I'm hungry; can we eat when mom gets home from exercise?"

Clearly, her plan of saying she's at the gym is working as far as our ******** is concerned and, besides, she does come in looking a bit dishevelled after all that 'exercise' so it all works!


Just because I may be a Sub sexually in the bedroom does not make me a Sub and a Wimp in other aspects of our lives. In our everyday life I am anything but a Door-Mat.

She has taken control though and there was no discussion when she told me she was going out with Robert after work on Tuesday. She got home about 6:30pm and we did have dinner together. After we had eaten and our ******** had gone off we were cleaning up and I asked her, "are you all wet from him right now?"

She smiled and calmly said, "yes". I then casually informed her that I'd bought more condoms. She turned to me, smiled broadly and said, "that's great; thank you for not making it a big deal". A few seconds later, she turned to me and said, ".. but we won't be using one tonight if that's what you're wondering....”

I hadn't expected to hear that but I actually got a bit aroused as I knew what she was saying.

As I said, she's taken control. I didn't push it at all and we didn't do anything on Tuesday night.


I wasn't sure what to expect last night other than that I was hoping we were continuing in our tradition. Sometime before 10:30pm we were up in our room and she was lying on the bed in her night-shirt and I could see the panty-line showing through the lower part of her night-shirt so I sort of knew we weren't going to have sex last night either. I admit I was a bit disappointed but then she did say that she would let me know when so I didn't push it.

I got changed for bed and we put the TV on as we both lay there. Finally after a few minutes she leaned over and gently cupped my cock and she could feel it was thick and firm. She looked up at me and said, "Just making sure you're in the mood!”

I chuckled and said I was always horny around her. She smiled back and said, "I know".

We kissed and she reached into my boxers and started to stroke me. As she pulled back from our kiss she said, "I want to watch you tonight" and with that she slid my shorts off, pulled the covers back and leaned in and used both hands firmly which brought me to full hardness almost immediately. I wasn't sure what she was doing but when I was fully hard she put my hand on my cock and covered it with hers, stroked a few times with both of our hands before she took her's away and said, "Do it, I love watching you....".

So again, I lay there masturbating under her appreciative eyes whilst she kept talking. She thanked me again for understanding, she didn't say 'understanding-what', but I knew what she meant. She started talking sexy and started to ask me questions that obviously turned her on as much as they did me, she teased and asked if I thought about my cock not being in her.

I groaned back, "it turns me on to think about it" and she moaned and leaned down next to me closer and said, "it turns me on too .... I love your dick but right now...." and she let out the sexiest moan as she continued, " ... mmm, seeing you doing that, thinking about it, it turns me on too".

As she began to open up, again it became easier for me to just say what came into my head. I told her that it turned me on when she told me that she was still wet from him on Tuesday night when she got home.

She giggled back and said, "it's still wet today".

I swear that response just hit me and I almost cum as my brain digested what she's said. She groaned so I must have made some sort of noise and I know that more pre-cum began to seep out. I told her what she just said turned me on like crazy. She giggled and said, "it should ... and it'll probably turn you on even more if I told you we did it twice last night".

I answered something like 'no wonder' and she pushed and said something like, "baby, he cums so much, it's so sexy to feel it even now" and she rolled up closer to me and kissed my cheek and said, "thank you honey, I know this isn't easy ... " and as she moved back she said, " ... now, let’s see if we can get you off too".

I didn't know what she was going to do or say until she started to talk to me and tease me. She began by telling me about her Tuesday night with him, extolling how great he was. She told me about how they passionately made out kissing when she got there and how he led her to his bedroom where he undressed her. She seemed to take pleasure in telling me how she stood there and let him undress her and how he kissed, sucked and licked everything he uncovered!

I was too involved with myself to even tell if she was or wasn't rubbing her pussy as she was teasing me like this but she was very into it. "I like knowing that turns you on baby .... that you like me being with him". All I could do was moan back but my groans told her I loved it.

She told me how he lay her back on his bed and how she willingly spread her legs herself for him, " ... I like showing him my pussy and knowing he really wants me from seeing how big his dick is!" Is there anything more exciting a cuckold can hear?

My hand was going faster and faster as she kept talking. She told me how gentle he is as he spreads her pussy apart and how, " ... he loves to lick around my little button till I scream". I groaned back and asked her if she'd cum like that and she teased back, "not until he put his tongue in me". Oh man, I swear I could feel the spasms starting inside my balls!

She told me how he got her so wet, ... "and that was before he'd even pushed his dick into me". Her voice became a little breathless and her recap got a little ragged around then as she started to get into recalling her fun and my mind started to race with my own thoughts. She told me how, " ... wet and ready I was when he did finally get inside me" and she wasn't shy when she told me, " ... how I came almost as soon as I felt all of him in me" and how he ground himself against her as she screamed out in passion.

I knew I was close, I could feel it, but I also knew what I wanted to hear her tell me about. I knew that when she did tell me, that I probably wouldn't be able to control my reaction anyway! Sure enough, she built up a bit more, telling me how she felt with him above her, with her giving her pussy to him and how, ... "I can tell when he's going to cum now! Just like you, I can feel him in me and I just know....." A moment later she said, ... "and I was right" as she told me how he really started to fuck her, "... hard and deep until he came in me".

It was when she said, "I could feel it, so hot so deep inside me....." that as soon as I heard that I lost it, moaned loudly and stroked out a huge load of cum.

I'm thinking now that there's more I missed while I was distracted because I know all of this took like 20 minutes or more given the time when I was done. As I stroked out the last dribbles of cum she cooed in my ear how, " ... sexy that is to watch you" and she again said how much it turned her on that I wasn't cumming in her.

She moved up on one elbow and commented on how much I'd cum and she again said that it turned her on that I was okay with this. There was an obvious pleasure in her efforts to clean me up, I could see her smiling as she used her fingers to push as much of my cum into a pool around my navel and she told me to not breathe so deeply so it didn't spill all over. As she brought fingerfuls up to my lips she said to me, "you will get to cum in me again, you know, I'm just not sure when ...". A few moments later she added, " ... but I can tell from all of this (how much I'd cum) that you're going to really enjoy it, won't you?!".

As I licked and sucked at her fingers all I could do was moan back, "uh huh".

She has just left for work and reminded me that, "I might be late again tonight" but I already knew that as she'd said it last night over dinner that she and others were going out after work. It's okay, I mean that it's alright as it seems that their time together varies which keeps me from worrying and that last night we had a nice night at home getting dinner ready together and then watching TV afterwards while we had a glass of wine. It was fine.

She did tease me this morning by leaving the bathroom door open a crack as she stood naked as she dried herself off after her shower. It's the first time I've seen her pussy in a few days now and damn if I didn't get hard spying on her and seeing her in-the-full again. A few minutes later when she came out of the bathroom she had a towel wrapped around her waist and proceeded to pull her panties up underneath as has become her norm now.

She came over to me, saw the bulge in my boxers and said, "I saw you peeking" and that was when she said I can have my turn, as I already said, either tonight or tomorrow.

I'm hard already.


She does sometimes come home bruised and sore and she's teased me about it saying it's due to his size but she says she's much more comfortable with him now and joked that she thinks she's a bit looser now and how that's something she knows I've noticed and seemed to have wanted.

It's actually something I didn't think about until she mentioned it but thinking about it, she is definitely looser. In the past there seemed to a feel to her pussy that took some time to relax before she'd really feel loose and open for me to push into her. Indeed, it was one of the things I enjoyed about her most when it was my time with her.

Now, I have this huge hard-on right thinking that I haven't felt her tight like that, where we'd have to go slowly until she opened up. Now, thinking about it, it's got to be months if not longer since I've felt that in her. So, wow, yes, she has changed.

I don't think he has any qualms about having his own sloppy seconds. Apart from having a big cock he is also a big cummer and sometimes she's come home when she'll have put a pad in to prevent a mess yet, at other times, it's obvious she's cleaned up. That's when I like to think that she still feels pretty snug.


I have memories of her as the slutty 19 years old girl I went out with a few times just after High School. I'd had sex a few times already so I knew my way around the block pretty well but when she and I got into it that first time and I got my cock into her pussy, my god, there was just no resistance down there, it was totally loose. It was like she'd never done a kegel in her life! She had a reputation that she'd fucked lots and lots of guys and there was one rumour that she'd had a kid and given it up for adoption. I was in awe to think that she'd had a kid by then (untrue!) but, wow, her pussy was something I remember then as the definition of loose. The Suzanna of today, by comparison, still feels awesome to me.


I find myself feeling incredibly comfortable and definitely lucky that Suzanna and I have travelled this road together. It's weird to think of it this way but we've shared and explored everything else together, families and their issues, friends, jobs, kids and life in general. We said at the start that we felt we had to be able to talk to each other and all of that and maybe that's the foundation for it all.

It seems weird to think of it like that but after sharing all of that, it seems sort of natural in a way to share this same sort of exploration in a sexual nature now. I know that we both have a feeling that if we were going to do all of this that it had to be now before we got just plain too old. Add to that that we both know we're not getting younger.


Some of what we've done has hurt me or has taken time for me to be okay with. I will still never forget the queasy feeling I had the first time I saw her give herself to Peter. Moments like that you don't forget but they're what have brought us to here and, even if they're not the most pleasurable memories, they are nonetheless memories that we created together as we grew together through all of this.

I flattered myself in the past that I set all of this up and 'created' all of this but now, in reality, I recognise it's clearly been a mutual thing. She was curious; I was curious and what I find interesting is that right now that I'm finding myself aroused and strangely satisfied by giving up something that I know I once held so incredibly tightly and that now at her request, HER request, that I'm using condoms with her!

I ask myself in a weird way 'is it all that bad?'. No, it's not. OK, I do miss feeling her very much; it definitely is not the same and yet, I have to say, that it turns me on. I admit it.


I accept that she's taken control in the bedroom but it's only now and recently that I can let myself go with it and not be worried or concerned. In a short way to explain it one thought I have is that I used to feel anxious when she'd deny me and I'd have to wait to have her next but now it seems that I don't have that (or as much) anxiety as I used to. In a way, I now 'know' that she will want me in her own way soon enough and I've learned or become more accustomed to it.

To put it a different way, I used to 'fear' it, now I feel I can let her go with it. Maybe it's trusting her more fully now; maybe it's because it's easier to talk to her and her to me and it's all out in the open now.

I've told her that it turns me on and it does, I admit it. Pulling on a condom, knowing I won't feel her warm wetness does turn me on and knowing Robert does feel her and knowing she wants it that way, how can it not turn me on?

Thinking about kneeling between her legs knowing her pussy is warm and wet from him and knowing I'll only feel it indirectly, the mere thought has got me hard right now.


It's difficult to explain how aroused and intensely I want her when I know she is only having sex with him and all I get to see is the peek through the bathroom door or the camel-toe in her panties. The very idea that my wife of 25+ years is now only sharing her pussy openly with her lover is just incredible. I look at that thin layer of cotton covering her pussy that only Robert has now felt the insides of and, oh my god, it's sometimes even a little scary that it turns me on like this.

She knows exactly what she's doing to me and that she wants to play around like this. It's crazy but I don't think we've felt this alive or this in touch in a long time. Our ******** keeps looking at us at times like we're teenagers and has said many times 'get a room' to us when she's walked by us (little does she know) but it's true, this arousal that we both feel, we find ourselves kissing many times or just unconsciously holding each other's hand while we watch TV or are walking or driving in the car.


It’s not been as easy as I'd thought it would be for me to let her take more control but as we've gotten into it more, I've been able to relax more and let her lead. It's really intense to see and experience this and, yes, it is what I've wanted in her for so long.

She did get home last night about 10:30pm and I could tell almost immediately that it'd been much more physical than other times just from how she seemed to be walking and carrying herself.

She did not want to have sex with me last night. Indeed, she made that plain when she actually came out and said to me that, "I really just want to enjoy the rest of the night with him." I knew what that meant, that she wanted to enjoy whatever she could still feel and experience from her time with him.

She kissed me pretty passionately and again said thank you in her own way and then promised me that, "tomorrow night, you can have me". She went into the bathroom to get changed and shared with me that she was going to have to change her panties and after hearing the faucet running for a bit, she came out in just her night-shirt before going to her dresser to find another pair of panties which she pulled up under her night shirt. I looked through into the bathroom and I could see she'd rinsed out the panties she'd been wearing and had left them hanging over the shower door. It looked like a trophy!

When we climbed into bed later she rolled over towards me and felt my cock wasn't exactly limp. She smiled, kissed me and said, "thank you for letting me be tonight".


I know it sounds weird and crazy, but I truly enjoy knowing she's having the kind of sex she is with Robert. The summer is going by quickly and I have tried to only write the good stuff here but, suffice to say that ****** pressures, especially when talking about her parents, has taken its toll. Even I feel it. What I can't convey enough here though is that the sex between us has become, I'm going to say, deeper and more intense even if it's now different.

Friday nights when she's out later have become a time that is trying for me. I would prefer to have her home and sharing a glass of wine together even if we're not having sex but, at the same time, I know that I get incredibly aroused all night long whenever I think of her and what she may be doing in my absence. I long for her to get home even knowing that when she comes she will just tease me until the next day.

She may be tired but she also knows, now especially, that I don't mind and actually kind of enjoy her telling me how her time with Robert had been. I cannot explain it to anyone who doesn't feel it themselves but I feel incredibly horny with her lying next to me, satiated from her lover, and it drives an arousal and desire in me that I cannot describe other than to say it is all-consuming.

I could stroke myself just a few times and erupt from these thoughts and knowledge of her next to me and where she's been. It's intense and it's incredibly arousing to feel myself on that edge and to feel desire building for her.

The pure denial thing we'd tried wasn't really what I was looking for but now, in a crazy way, she's seized on something I'd previously feared and has now made it into and intense thing that we share.


Yesterday afternoon our ******** went off to friends and told us she wouldn't be home till later that night. Come about 5pm, Suzanna came out to me in the yard and suggested that I come up to the bedroom. It was obvious what she was suggesting and after I put the gardening stuff away I followed her up to the bedroom.

She said she wanted to talk to me for a bit first. I didn't know what to expect as she's been full of surprises recently but she looked at me and said that we should be able to talk to each other about anything now. I agreed and she proceeded to tell me how I shouldn't be shy or embarrassed or uncomfortable about sharing fantasies.

I told her I knew that and that prompted her to reply that I also shouldn't be shy or embarrassed about sharing what's going on between us. I wasn't sure where she was going with this so I played along and told her that I didn't think I was and that I thought I'd been pretty open and clear about my being okay about everything.

She looked at me and, in short, asked if we could play with and 'have fun' with what we were doing. I asked her what more she meant and she sat next to me and held my hand and she started in on following onto some of that conversation from two weeks back that got everything out in the open in the first place.

She moved up next to me and said, "it's okay that it turns you on" and she proceeded to tell me that she wanted me to feel more comfortable talking about and accepting it. She then said, "we can play with it while we're having fun ourselves too, right?”

I was a little uncomfortable with her attitude but told her that I thought I understood what she was saying and, ".. honestly that while I did like what we're doing and that she might be right ..." that I didn't find it easy to play with or talk directly about what's going on much less use it in bed together.

She said she always feels like she has to lead me on, that she has to kind of pull it out of me that I enjoy what she's doing with Robert and how things are between us. She said she knows it's okay for us, that she knows from how things have been between us or, I should say, how much better things have been between us since we had that fateful discussion that brought it all out.

I thought about it and I know she was right. And yesterday when we did finally have sex together, well, it was a little different. I'll write more in a bit when I've found another new book and I have some more time.