Journal of a Journey - Book #143

When it comes to the question of whether it was me or her that made the ultimate decision (or whatever) that we seem to have adapted, I come back to Suzanna telling me on several occasions that if it were up to her she would prefer that I not cum in her. She admits that this decision/statement on her part ties to her knowing that the continuing denial turns me on and in turn, I suppose gives her the biggest reason to persist on her part. So there's the rub, to change things would mean that I'd have to be someone else and take the aggressor role with her and tell her that I want her bare when she knows the reality is that I truly do not want to be that person and to be denied still has this intensely satisfying feeling to it. She, on the other hand, enjoys sex with Paul perhaps and likely (surely?) more than with me and if that's good for her why should I want to change that if I truly don't feel threatened by it?


After she came home on Thursday night I told her that I loved how it felt to be lying in bed with her as we were getting ready to fall asleep and that I liked knowing where she'd been and what she'd been doing, that it honestly felt wonderful to tell her that I knew she'd likely been screaming and moaning passionately earlier and that I quite enjoyed thinking of her and how she may have been feeling at that moment.

She rolled toward me and told me that she loved that I thought about how she felt so much more now. She kissed me, smiled, and told me that she also felt wonderful all over and then she giggled and whispered, "Especially down there," she kissed me again and said, "Good night, honey," even after jerking off earlier I was hard and remember falling asleep enjoying the feeling.


She told me that if our kids weren't coming back tonight she'd have liked to run over to his place or she giggled, "Had him come here," what with the rainy weather canceling his golf plans. Tomorrow we and the kids are all going over to her sister’s place to spend time with her mom and see how she's doing. Then we would have tomorrow night alone and that is when I'll give her a Mother’s Day present, I bought her some gold hoop earrings she's wanted for a while now.


Our kids arrived home last night and we all had breakfast together and gave mom her presents. All of us went over to my sister-in-law's to visit and have lunch with her mom and see how they were all doing, our kids knew to take their car and left before us, after what seemed like hours Suzanna and I left. On the way home we stopped to buy a bottle of wine and on a whim, we stopped in a park we knew and found a quiet area to sit and enjoy the sunny afternoon. Halfway through the bottle on this sunny afternoon, she felt warm all over and by the time we had another glass, our talking turned to kiss. I was surprised at what she did next, she sat up on the picnic table and looked around while I sat on the bench wondering what she was doing. She slid off the end of the table she said, "No one is around… keep an eye out," My thought was that she had to pee and that she was going to scoot off behind some bushes while I kept a lookout (I'm used to this from hiking with her!) so I started to look around. When I turned back I saw her smiling at me and that she'd slid her jeans and panties down to her knees and was holding a condom out to me, "Want to have a quickie?"

I watched her rub her pussy as I undid my pants. She moved towards me and sucked my cock till it was wickedly hard and then she smiled as she saw me roll the condom down it and move behind her. I love looking at her especially as she reached back with both hands and pulled her pussy open for me. She was supporting herself on the end of the picnic table as her feet were off the ground and she seemed to be presenting herself to me. When I pushed into her she moaned loud enough that I did look around to make sure we were alone, we were.

I'd love to say we went at it for hours but in reality, with her rubbing herself the entire time she came quickly and moaned loudly saying that I should take my turn with her. I didn't know how she meant it but I know how I took it and the images in my mind made it not take long. She hissed again as she had at least one more good orgasm before I pulled her hips firmly back to me and came myself feeling her tremble beneath me as I pulled back and plunged in a last few times as she twisted her body. When I stood up straight I slid out of her as she lay there catching her breath. After a moment or two, she reached down and pulled up her panties as she stood up. I had taken the condom off, she took it from me as I cleaned up and pulled up my pants. I looked at her and asked, "What brought that on," she admitted that the sun and wine had gotten to her and that she remembered the condoms in her purse and went with it. As I was getting us another cup of wine she was still holding up the condom and saying something about "Not making a mess," which she said loud enough for me to hear.


She could have easily had me fuck her without a condom if she wanted to. I do sorta get the idea that this might be ‘the best sex’ but I don't think that's what all this was about. At the time it seemed far more about her enjoying being in control of her sexuality and not being shy about getting horny but also sticking with what she said she wanted for us. Perhaps, in the light of a new day things will seem different to me so in the meanwhile, I'm going to bed with a nice surprise for myself, a hard-on.


I still think this is working out even better than I'd hoped. If she feels this type of desire for me and surprises me like she did yesterday... I cannot explain how incredibly erotic it felt to see her playing with the condom full of my cum, the way she pinches it and squeezes it with this gleeful smile on her face was intensely erotic.


Suzanna's Aunt passed away suddenly and as if symbiotically her mom has taken a downturn to the point that her range of options for future care had narrowed as has the prognosis. The sudden need for doctor appointments and the time to investigate care facilities was so overwhelming that Paul was merely a thought that brought a smile to her face.


The next day brought the beginning of another long week where little had gone well, her mom seems to have gone further into a depressive state bordering on dementia which we now understand can be the result of a sudden event at a later stage in life. There was some good news though Suzanna had admittedly pulled back from most everything including Paul. He and I had talked but she couldn't go there right now. The good news is that what she had taken from Paul she was now giving to me. I had cum in her three times in the past week, all three bare at her insistence. Feeling her shudder deeply beneath me and the respite it gave her with some time truly for herself was rewarding for both of us. The first time was a surprise for me, it was last Monday. Her aunt died on Saturday, and she was told on Sunday when they told her mom that her sister had passed Suzanna said it was as if she could see her change almost immediately. I knew she hadn't seen Paul in a while by then and I suspected she wanted to have sex. I saw things in her that I now know she'd directed toward him, how she dressed, how playful she'd be, even with the distress there was something that I can't put my finger on but it said ‘I'm horny’ despite everything. She said she wasn't in the mood for anything but at the same time she was very receptive to a massage, I dimmed the lights as she took her top off and lay naked from the waist up as I climbed on her. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but as I massaged her she began to relax and when I told her I was almost done I remember she giggled and turned over beneath me her breasts bare to me. I still wasn't sure of her intent till she told me, "Massage these too," smiling she told me to get comfortable too so I stripped down to my boxers and turned to see she'd taken her jeans off. I remember her giggling at how my cock was sticking out of one of the legs as I got back on top of her. She smiled as I played with her breasts and I have to say it felt good to be with her like that, just her and I without any teasing and such. Not more than a minute later she pulled me down to her and we kissed passionately, she looked up at me and asked, "Do you want to feel me bare a little bit?"

The moment felt different than our scheduled times and I nodded yes. She pushed up a little bit and slid her panties off and said I should do the same. I got off her for a moment pulled them off and returned to kneeling on the bed with her, she had her legs spread now it felt wonderful and as I moved toward her I said, "I hope I can control myself."

She smiled, "Just enjoy whatever happens if it does."

I should have realized what she was saying but as I began to rub my bare cock between her wet lips I didn't understand it. I honestly thought I would get worked up and she'd let me push into her maybe take a few strokes and then I would be told to pull out and either put a condom on quickly or jerk off onto her. She was so wet and it felt so hot once I spread her open and revealed everything. I know after I immediately thought that I should have enjoyed it more and played with her more (even now I sort of regret it) but again at that moment I was focused on not cumming in her. By the time she pulled me toward and into her with her legs I had steeled myself up to be ready for how she was going to feel but all of my thoughts couldn't have truly reminded me of how wonderful she felt bare. The more I pushed into her feeling how wet and open she was for me the more amazed I was at how intense she felt. I barely pulled back before she tugged at me again with her legs and this time I got the feeling she wanted me to ride her maybe to get her to cum. It was only as I felt her start to respond that I was reminded of just how wonderful it felt to feel her pussy sucking and squeezing at my cock as if we fitted together like hand and glove, I pulled back and each time she pulled me in deeper and harder. I finally looked down at her, "Is it okay," she smiled and nodded yes, A moment later she let me push her legs back and around my arms and she later confirmed, "I knew you wanted it by then too" and then let me fuck her like we haven't in so long. I would love to say that I rode her till she couldn't cum anymore but the reality was that she'd cum once already and I knew she was waiting. Sure enough, the feelings that I hadn't felt in so long felt amazing. She began to moan loudly and I could feel what I remembered, somehow it could feel even better whatever she was doing. A moment later I grunted and thrust deep and hard into her and that was obviously what she needed. As I started to cum (and my god, did I cum and cum and cum) she let out a squeal and I felt her pussy gushing as she thrashed back and forth clinging to my body with her legs and her arms holding me tightly as she thrust up and down I honestly never remembered feeling quite so deep inside her as we enjoyed the last throes together.

Sadly, a few minutes later as we lay there together, she started to cry the tears flooding her face. I asked if she was regretting what we’d done, she shook her head and said her thoughts had turned to her mom and having to think about what was likely coming soon. As I held her, she told me she was glad we'd made love as we had and that she needed to feel that with me. In the days after that night, she has come to admit that in times like this with this kind of ****** stuff going on (had to tell her mom that they needed to talk about assisted living facilities for her shortly) she needed to, "feel you again."

We had sex again on Thursday night, the funeral was on Friday, and then again late Sunday afternoon when we came back home. Although, to get back to reality she did say on Sunday afternoon after I had fucked her bare that I shouldn't get too used to this referring to me cumming in her as it was when she was standing in the bathroom cleaning up.


The status here is that the sisters had located an assisted living facility that had available space and was nearby. It was sad to realize that once they move her she won't be returning home again and that reality weighs heavily on Suzanna and her sister as they had borne the brunt of the work so far. However, we have both seen the decline in her mother over the past few months and this has merely accelerated it or more aptly made it more visible to us all. It seems to be making it easier to talk about the eventuality of her passing and in turn our talks have brought about a resumption/resurgence of us moving back to how things were.


Last night we resumed our Wednesday schedule and as I masturbated with her she asked me how I was going to feel about going back to using condoms. I asked her if that was what she wanted and told her that I thought she'd been enjoying us resuming some type of 'normalcy', she giggled and told me plainly that she did miss Paul and sex with him and, "It's different with him," she asked me if my feelings had changed. I told her what I'd already said that feeling her bare again was amazing and that it had turned me on. She asked again, to be honest (and I couldn't lie to her or tell her otherwise as my cock was stiff as can be) I told her the truth, that for as much as I loved feeling her bare, I did still have my beta desires and that if it was what she wanted that I would agree to resume using condoms with her.

I have to emphasize that feeling her bare was simply amazing. Even when it was a quickie, feeling her pussy throb and get so so wet inside was such an amazing thing to feel. This is going to sound crazy but feeling it bare again makes me even more aroused at the thought of her going back to Paul and knowing he will be enjoying that with her. Because as much as I love, and I do love cumming in her, I would be lying if I said I didn't also very much miss the feeling of knowing there's a condom between us, I know; I'm crazy.

She had the Cheshire-cat-type smile as I said that and she told me, "We'll have one last time this weekend," and then after that, she wanted to start seeing Paul again.


Paul is here, it was my idea to invite him since she promised me that I could have one last time bare with her later this evening and she giggled when I told her that I would love to feel ‘sloppy seconds’ again and she said okay so I’m wicked horny. He only got here a little while ago but he's not staying for dinner. I’m going back downstairs to hang around with them, I am going to sneak down and see what I can see, she promised to let me watch and if I wanted she said I could have her while he's still here so I'm horny about that.

It's going to be a reset for all of us as she told me now quite explicitly, "You've had me a lot, babe..." and that, "It's going to be a while before you do again," and asked me sincerely if it was what I wanted, I told her honestly that I did. She hugged me and told me that she knew it wasn't easy to tell her that but that she loved knowing I could share and tell her how I truly felt.


It's almost 7 pm and they're going at it one last time, I watched from the doorway for a little while before or until I realized they were going to be at it for a while when she pushed him over onto my side of the bed and climbed onto him. I wished I'd been closer as I couldn't see from where I was but my god did she let out the most sensuous moan as she told him out loud how she'd missed fucking him.

I’m soooo horny now, forget dinner, I’m hungry for dessert!


It’s been a while since I last wrote but, we are okay.

It's been a long few weeks and to be honest, sex has been at the bottom of the list. Suzanna's mom is day-by-day with her having been back in the hospital now twice in the last three weeks. Sadly, at this age despite everyone's best efforts, the effects of dehydration and ‘elderly malnutrition’ are going to have their inevitable and final effect.

On top of that Suzanna and Paul had quite a blowout of an argument that was only now in the process of being mended. I think in a way to get back at him she's insisted on having me bare all this time now and I must say it has given me/us time to perhaps pause and think. Not seeing him for quite a while has worked up to her last night being on top of me grinding herself into me until she orgasmed and nearly passed out before letting me finally have my turn.

Her argument with Paul was not surprisingly sex-related. Simple enough, they'd made plans, he was horny, her mom took a downturn and he complained when she had to put him off. It was bad timing and the way he complained that she laid into him on the phone and said some interesting things that I overheard. One that stuck out was something like, "I love fucking you but that doesn't put you in front of my ******.”

I didn't get involved; I know better.

To add to the emotional mix, things have also been chaotic at work with yet another upper management change, whether this changes things at work remains to be seen. Suzanna and I have also begun talking about retiring and even moving to a less costly area of the country, of course, this was just after she argued with Paul but still, it was refreshing.


Neither of our kids is home ‘full time’ this summer but despite having apartments elsewhere they still congregate here at times. They know that their parents enjoy the empty nest so they always call and plan before surprising us.

I am quite sure she will patch things up with Paul but at the same time, she seems in no rush and while we still talk about all sorts of stuff, she needs and has enjoyed having me bare. She says it’s something she wants right now. She has teased me a bit about this being ‘somewhat different’ her cleaning up from or feeling my cum in her.

Thankfully work seems to be returning to a less chaotic state even while things are in turmoil so calmer times are enjoyed regardless of whether it's from good or bad things.


Suzanna is running out to see her mom every day leaving her exhausted. Even last night, as with the past few Wednesday nights, her energy level was markedly lower but with encouragement by the end she had perked up a bit and teased me till I came for her.

We have talked a bit about things. She wants to resume seeing Paul but admits that right now her heart isn't in it. I told her she needs to talk to him and make him understand how trying everything is on her and that she should probably have sex with him once a week or so if she was up to it but even she admits that this is a low-point sexually for her.


I will say that I am enjoying the change in things right now. I hadn't realized it before but her sexual appetite while somewhat tamped down right now has grown enormously. I say that because she's intimated that she wants sex with me again. Last night as I came in her, she murmured that she wanted that which is not what she'd been saying in the past as we all know. While she may think she's at a low point the sex with me continues to be far more intense and physical than I've been used to with her including her taking the lead many times and asking me to get on my back so she can ride me. I've realized how much of this energy has been focused on Paul in the recent past and I'd be lying if it didn't turn me on a bit.


Suzanna and our ********, who is home till tomorrow evening after dinner, are out for a mani/pedi. We have a long weekend and she asked me if I would be okay with her seeing Paul after our ******** leaves, either Sunday evening or sometime on Monday or Tuesday.

In talking further, I shared my surprise and enjoyment at receiving some of the sex that she's been having with Paul and she smiled and encouraged me to tell her more. It led to a bit of a longer discussion with a surprise ending in bed last night it was the talk that led there that was quite revealing. Quite simply she misses fucking him and she said she felt she’d punished herself when she got annoyed with him and admitted that even with my resumption with her she missed him fucking her.

I told her I was curious and wanted to hear her tell me (what I already knew) and I encouraged her. She said that he fucks her differently than I do, she made it a point to say that she cums just as much with me but that she feels more after him. I pushed her and she told me in quite explicit terms that her pussy feels more ‘used’ afterward, that, "He cums a lot more than you do babe, you know that," she said that it makes a difference to her especially when he will almost always fuck her more than once and that, "He cums again like that," she held little back and told me how the shape of his cock felt ‘amazing’ inside her and how he knows how to make her cum hard. (I’ve mentioned before that I share a fascination with the size of his ‘knob’) At the end of her little moment, she looked at me and said "sorry" and that she let it all out.

We hadn't talked like this in a while as I said with all that has been going on she hasn't been focused on Wednesdays, so maybe this was making up for it. We were both obviously in the mood to talk and I told her that I loved getting to cum in her again, she giggled and said she could tell, even adding that I seem to cum a lot more than I used to and giggled, "Maybe there is something to do with the whole competition thing."

She looked at me and asked if I missed, "You know, not having that," I kissed her and I told her honestly that while I do love having ‘regular sex’ with her I also missed being denied. She smiled and said that it's something we can work on and that, "I may not be so generous in the future," I could tell she was being honest and I told her that I loved knowing how she felt about sex with Paul and that I didn't mind knowing she still wanted him as much as she does. She hugged and kissed me in a way that only a husband and wife can share. I told her that I liked knowing what kind of sex she was having with him and how she felt about it. I told her that I had loved being denied by her for as long as she did it. She asked me how it felt to feel again what I hadn't had for so long and I told her honestly that it turned me on incredibly, that not only did her pussy feel better than any hand, mouth or condom could ever feel and that I was also comfortable telling her that I loved that he had cum so much in her for so long. I think she almost had a tear in her eye as she hugged me and told me that she hadn't realized just how it made her feel to be with him so much and she almost whispered that it made her feel very aware of herself sexually and what aroused her.


I can't explain the way it feels to be as close to her as we were last night and to know we both felt the same way about things. I know this wasn't her goal long ago nor was it mine necessarily but the thing that makes me feel good about all of it is that we seem to have both morphed to find enjoyment in the same things, then again, that happened along the way so I shouldn't be surprised.

Toward the end of our discussion, we had moved closer and stayed that way, such that her pussy was resting against the outside of my thigh, near my hip and I could feel the warmth through her panties. I had slid my hand down as we talked openly about her pussy being filled by Paul and she moved back and let me feel her bare skin and the top of her pussy. By the end of our talk, she was near orgasm from the flat part of my hand just below the fingers grinding and rubbing against her firm clit but also from my fingers tracing the length of her pussy lips from bottom to top on both sides. Each time I'd push them further apart and rub my fingers more and more toward the inside edge of her swollen pussy lips. A few strokes later and they were grazing across the edge of her now gaping vagina and at the bottom I could feel wetness spread all around and up the inner sides of her lips to her clit where she moaned louder and louder each time.

This went on for a few more minutes until she realized she needed to be quieter and not raise the attention of our ******** who was watching TV downstairs. No, instead she removed my hand and fingers from her pussy and stood up, in the dim light I could see her slip off her panties and lean over and pull down my boxers. I was surprised she wanted to fuck at 1:00 am and was then surprised again when she lay on the bed next to me in a 69 position and looked back at me and said, "Make me cum while I do you," with that she sucked my cock into her mouth. I leaned forward and began licking her wet and slick pussy pausing to marvel at the feeling of pushing my tongue deeper into her and tasting her sweet lubrication. Of course, having her eagerly sucking my cock was detracting from my focus but once I began to penetrate her with my fingers as I licked and sucked at her clit she again began to moan which she quietened by sucking my cock back into her mouth. I told her that her moaning felt like a mini-vibrator which made her thrust her hips upward as if she was trying to fuck more of my fingers into her.

She didn't have to exert that much energy as I planned on enjoying the opportunity to play with her and I knelt on one side of her so I could lean over sort of sideways and be right up close to her pussy as she lay back on the bed for me. It's been a long time since she'd let me play and I marveled at wetting my fingers and parting and playing with her labia and then revealing her now very firm clitoris and being able to make her moan and squeal at how I would touch or touch around it! I gently licked up and around her spread thighs and she seemed to shiver as I made sure she could feel my tongue penetrate her. I looked at her when I pulled away a moment later and I found the focus to tell her that I loved knowing, "he'd been in you."

When I pulled away from her to let her resume focusing on my blowjob and to tell her a few moments later that I wanted to play more with her, she pushed my hand away and whispered, "I'll be there with you," and as she sucked my cock even more intensely, I realized she wanted to masturbate herself.

I came first as she seemed quite intent on that and as I felt her mouth suck the cum out of me, I felt movement next to me as I let the last of my load go in her mouth I felt and watched her finger-fuck the heck out of her pussy with one hand while her thumb stroked her clit, her other hand went to her breasts to twist and pull her nipples. I felt her start to tremble and forget about my cock as her eyes closed and some of my cum drooled out of her mouth as she moaned loudly as she took care of herself.


Grief, I am so hard just thinking and writing about that, it’s a good job that I’ve filled yet another book and need to take time out to find a fresh one!