Journal of a Journey - Book #130

Last night seemed to take a different turn between us. She came home after seeing Paul and said that she wanted to see how it would feel to share things a bit more with me. I didn't know what that meant until later on when we were in the bedroom and with our 'Wednesday time' approaching she came over to me and, after she asked me to get undressed, she told me that she'd had a lot of fun with Paul and wanted to share more with me … as long as I was going to understand that she was just sharing, not inviting or expecting anything back in return directly. (I didn't say so but I wondered if she had had some kind of conversation with him to have brought this on.)

I told her that I understood what she was asking (which was not strictly true) and that she wanted to be able to tease me and just enjoy how she felt about it. I told her immediately that I was okay with that, and that I'd love for her to share more.

I undressed and lay on the bed, my cock already hard, and she delighted me by just standing alongside the bed and doing a kind of striptease as she took off her top and then slid her jeans off. She struck a pose leaving her in just the bra and panties that she'd worn earlier with Paul and I told her as she did that, it turned me on to think of her with him and her both getting undressed. I then made her smile when I told her that it turned me on even more to think of her getting dressed afterward with him!

She lay down with me and encouraged me to start to stroke which I did. As I did so, she told me to tell her what was turning me on right then.

I smiled at her and I told her honestly that right then I was most turned on that she was lying next to me with her vagina full of his cum (yes, I used the word vagina). She turned towards me and told me she loved me and loved hearing me say it that way.

As I stroked I told her how I was turned on thinking about his big cock inside her and him cumming in her. She then surprised the heck out of me when she said, "I want you to do something baby … " and when I looked at her I saw that she'd slid off her panties. As I looked, she took my hand held my index and middle fingers together, and whispered, " … I want you to feel how I feel inside." She guided my two fingers to the opening of her vagina and pushed them in.

I grunted and with a moan told her, "My god, it's so hot and wet."

She hissed and added, "Yesss, and it feels so good... push your fingers in further." She pulled her legs back and I pushed my fingers in and felt around; her pussy felt so open and hot and wet. She put her hand on mine and signaled to pull my hand away and as I did so she smiled and said, "he's deeper in me than that when he cums baby... it feels so wonderful..."

She then guided my two wet fingers to my mouth and encouraged me to, " … taste it, baby..."

I grunted and was stroking my cock now violently with my other hand as she told me how it felt to feel him fill her vagina, " … he makes me feel so incredible baby... sometimes like I can't stop cumming with him....”

I think she knew I was close even though it was just a few minutes since we'd started with the teasing but I was on the brink.

She looked at me and continued, "I love it when he cums in me when I feel like that baby..... " She said it with this kind of sexy voice and with the taste of their mixed juices still on my lips, hearing her tell me how good it was, I just lay back and let it happen. I felt the urge rising and I stayed on the thoughts she'd shared and added my own till a moment later I felt the surge begin. I grunted and knew that would call her attention to my hand and, sure enough, when she looked at my swollen cock she whispered, "cum baby, let me see you....".

And it just seemed to be what I wanted, knowing that she was watching, waiting. I held off as long as I could till I stroked myself into orgasm and I heard her squeal her approval as my cum spurted and flew.

She didn't cum, I knew she wouldn't, but afterward she told me that she liked knowing that she had turned me on and gotten me all aroused. She even let me feel her to show that she was still enjoying how Paul had left her. I told her that was okay with me as it was some of the things that I was thinking as I masturbated.

We were both quite buzzed and a little giddy afterward; both feeling good about how she'd shared herself. She even told me that she thought it was something that she could let me do maybe more often (feeling her pussy) as long as it wasn't going to change how she felt.


Now, the next day writing about it, I can appreciate how she must have felt in the past when she had concerns that letting me feel her like that might lead to more between us; I can now also understand how she may not have wanted that in the past. A part of me thinks that had I been more beta in the past, maybe she wouldn't have felt she wanted this exclusive thing with Paul in the first place.

Anyway, back to last night, she had pulled her panties back up and was sitting next to me still lying on the bed and she was quite open and explicit about playing with my cum. She told me several times how it turned her on that she could tell how much I needed to cum both by how I was when I orgasmed (she told me that she can tell from how I stroked my cock how horny I am) and how much I 'need' to cum.

She cooed to me about how thick the last few spurts of cum were and how aroused it makes her to see and then play with my cum. Again she told me, "I love watching you cum …." and now without much concern, how it turned her on that, " … this stuff isn't in me."


I think some of what spurred her to give me the 'surprise feel' was that when we'd been talking, I've told her many times what turns me on most is the knowledge that Paul is cumming in her and making her feel as she does and that now she lets herself go totally with him as she used to do with me.

It's quite intensely arousing to know she may be responding to Paul more than how she allowed herself to feel that with Robert.

She asked me to try to share how it feels to not cum in her knowing he is and I told her that when I see her, knowing for the longest time now that only Paul has cum in her, I can't explain how it turns me on other than to know that I am being denied that pleasure with her.

She's told me that when he starts to ejaculate inside her, she can feel a sense of warmth and, as she says, "A unique feeling of being 'full' inside" and that she too has now become quite fond of it just being Paul that gets to do that with her. She says she can feel my condom-covered cock throb inside her but admits now that feeling the warmth and slipperiness of Paul being 'bare' (her words) is a huge part of what makes her feel feminine and sensual and what causes her to orgasm the most intensely. She asked me pointedly if I was going to be okay when she only felt that with Paul and I told her honestly that I wanted us to try it and to see how it felt.

Over the long weekend, she also repeated and expanded on how she wanted to feel with him. She said she hoped it wasn't a surprise but she shared that (and she's said this before) that she would like to, "feel guilty.... like I'm cheating on him.... you know, if you and I get together".

I told her that I understood and that I should try to embrace what she wants and see it as something we are doing together but she is doing it for herself and if I truly want the beta role, I should be sure she understands that.

I told her at one point that I'd hated condoms for the longest time but now I look forward to using them with her and I hoped as we moved on (her with Paul) that I would also come to look forward to it and not feel it as a loss.

She said that was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever said to her.


I am going to say that I get; what she wants. We've talked in the past and I can say that I do get it, that she wants that infatuation; can't wait to get into bed feeling she's still young enough to enjoy it and to be up for it physically.

I recognize that being quite a few years younger, Paul can still go two and sometimes three times in less than 24 hours whereas I know after I cum once I'm largely done and any second time is far from assured.

I also remember how she was when we first started together, that she couldn't wait for me to cum in her. We'd meet at lunch sometimes and she'd spend the afternoon with my cum seeping out of her or we'd have a quickie after work and then go to her parent's house for dinner. I can remember times when on the drive home from being out at a bar, where she had her panties off and would let me finger her the whole time, getting her horny to be fucked when we got home. I know that's what she wants to have with Paul, that she wants the feeling of looking forward to fucking him.

I know that my support and approval will let her possibly have what she wants shortly. When I think about it this way, I love the thought of essentially giving her to him and the thought of her eager to spread her legs for him.

I had to smile at this latest idea of hers when she said she wanted to feel as if she was cheating on him if she were to mess around with me. I look at it as being more of the mental state she wants to feel with him where she feels a continual desire for him.

I know a lot of women want to have one last shot at feeling like a horny teenager again so how can I possibly deny her? Also, she wants to tweak and tease me along the way and when I don't think about the loss and missing the feelings of intimacy with her, I can get into this and support and encourage and want her to do it.


I had quite a moment of grief last night with Suzanna.

I won't say that sex permeates all of our conversation, but it does seem to at times and most of the day yesterday was no different. I wasn't surprised that she was horny having again not seen Paul in a few days so in many ways it was a repeat of prior weekends where I was to be the beneficiary of her need.

Last night in bed she continued to tease me just as I did her. We spent a while kissing before we got naked and then enjoyed quite a bit of foreplay. When I touched and began to finger her pussy she told me how she likes when Paul does it to her and how comfortable it makes her feel; she knew that would turn me on to hear her tell me how intimately her lover knows her body. When I licked her pussy and gently sucked at her clit she moaned at how good it felt but then she asked me if I could taste any of Paul's semen. She does know how to manipulate me quite well and I thought about that as I pulled on the condom and how good it was to feel her as we fucked.

We were pretty physical with her and I both taking turns on top but, come the time, it was a missionary position that we both wanted with her below me. She orgasmed easily and often including several that were quite intense and satisfying for her. I knew how wet she was from how she tasted as I was licking her (thinking about Paul) and even with the condom on I could feel the slickness and openness. She teased me as I pushed into her whether she was still as tight as she was 'before' and I groaned back that she felt wonderful. I wasn't going to last long and she knew it and, sure enough, with just a bit more teasing from her I succumbed to a massive orgasm as I thrust away into her. She accompanied me hugging me tightly as I ground against her with her release.

All of that was wonderful, and as we lay together kissing and hugging I will say that I became quite aware that soon she will only have that with Paul and that the moment of feeling my cock slip out of her as we embraced and kissed would no longer be shared.

As my cock slipped out of her I also felt the familiar feelings of unease creep in and, when she felt a change in the passionate moment, the mood we were sharing, she asked me what was going on.

I told her that I wasn't sure I could do without it. I didn't say what it was that I couldn't do without (I'm not sure which); the intimate moment of kissing her while sharing intense feelings or the realization I would only have 4 more times to feel that with her. (That thought was brought on by her teasing and her pointing out the 4 remaining condoms that she'd separated on the nightstand).

We talked and she asked me whether it was the physical mental or emotional parts that concerned me and I told her that it was all three.


I felt like a failure in a way when I felt the same apprehensions and concerns again. We talked about it on Saturday night for quite a long time. She said she wanted to hear me out and wanted to genuinely try to understand what was going through my mind.

She asked me if I wasn't enjoying masturbating as it was when we had intercourse and my answer was, "It depends".

I told her that a lot of the time on Wednesday nights (or at other times) when I'm worked up and horny, yes, it's pretty close; that jerking off in those situations is very satisfying. I also told her that, at least for me, when a guy is fucking a woman that it's more than just his cock that's being aroused. I told her that in some ways, if she sucks my cock, even if it's just at the end, it makes it a lot better at times because I can focus and enjoy just orgasming and cumming.

I explained that when I have to use my hand, I have to keep the pace and stay focused. I also told her honestly that the inside of her pussy feels far better than anything else and yes that cumming like that is more pleasurable for sure.

She said she had known some but not all of that and she seemed to be genuinely interested in that it feels so much better at times inside her. At first, she did resort back to the prior admonitions of me just needing to fuck her and making little of that, but as we talked I think she could understand especially when I described the physical act of fucking her as being something our bodies did more automatically and asked her to compare how she feels with 'Jim', her dildo versus Paul or I in her. That did seem to resonate with her.

She wanted to know more and she also started to ask me how I was going to feel and she seemed to be genuinely concerned as opposed to her taking her normal dismissive response.

I admitted to her that I thought that some of this would become easier once we got past Labor Day weekend and told her that I thought once we weren't having sex very often, I probably wouldn't feel this way as much.

She said she could understand my reluctance and then asked me why I still wanted to go through with it.

Of course, I told her that I wanted her to have the experience she wanted, but I then told her what I guess is as honest as I could get, that I wanted to fulfill my beta desires and let myself fully feel what I seem to be most scared and concerned about, giving her to him.

Her immediate and expected response was, "It's not going to be forever baby ..." but to address those thoughts and concerns, she straightaway said that this was something she felt was a phase she was going through, not so much a mid-life crisis, but a crisis of sorts. She admitted that she wanted the intensity of it to leave her sexually fulfilled (she told me it was not easy for her to tell me that) but that it wasn't going to be something she was going to want for the longer term. In her words she, ".... couldn't think of it that way....".

She asked me if that made me feel any better and I said it did. I said that our talking along the way and pointedly, "us having our few times together," should make it to be something that we will be able to work through.

She then said something which took me a little by surprise, "That's something we should talk about too!"

I asked her right away what she meant by that. She looked at me and said that she would surely have sex with me if that's what I needed and," … from what you told me, I can see that you probably will …" but she added that she hoped it would be something we could talk about.

I asked her point blank if she was suggesting that at some point it becomes more than every 2 months when we'll have sex. She just said she didn't know and said, "… to be honest, I would like to not have to think about it that way, and when and if it happens, then it happens".

I told her I didn't understand and that she was confusing me so she clarified and said that she'd rather not have to think, based on the calendar, that she has to have sex with me on a certain date or within a certain time frame; that she felt that it wasn't something she wanted to focus on.

She said it didn't mean anything different as that's how she's been feeling, that she knows that, "just like you, I'm going to want you again before this is over …," but that she didn't want it to be something she had to think about.

I asked her if we were going to talk about it. She said yes, but that will be different because we're not going to be in bed when we have those talks about how things are going. She asked me if I was upset by what she'd said and I had to say no, that I guessed I hadn't necessarily wanted to see it from how she was saying it.

I think this may be a deception from her or more of her manipulating me. Maybe it was my opening up about my beta desires that led her to here but, in the end, she had still agreed that we were going to have our time together.

What has me concerned and what she surely cannot answer now is whether she will want me (at all?) as much as I will want her and how it's going to feel if she's doing it 'for me' instead of 'with me' if she and I have sex.

She asked me again what I was feeling and thinking and with what we'd talked about so far, the talk immediately moved to her wanting to understand how I felt mentally and not just physically. She giggled when I spoke about understanding 'blue-balls' (she'd never heard the expression before) and she said she did now understand a bit more about how it could feel different. Going oppositely with surprise, she looked at me and said, "It must be more like how you've said you feel using condoms!"

I have to say that it's no longer something that we even talk about in the sense of not using them. Indeed, when we'd talked about getting together physically, one of the things she casually said to reinforce that we were going to still have sex at times was her saying I should keep the condoms handy.

Hearing her say that made me feel that she truly understood me. It almost brought a tear to my eye.

I was quiet and she said, "I know that still turns you on," and as we talked she asked me if it made me feel good to know what we were doing that way. I told her honestly that it sounded crazy but not cumming in her now for so long (with few exceptions) seemed to have given me the sense of beta-fulfillment that I had been looking for. Before she could say much I told her that I never would have thought it but that now after so long, I simply told her it was true, that I was now far more turned on by not cumming in her.

She giggled and in a moment of 'I-told-you-so' she said to me, "So your brother-in-law isn't so crazy!" I told her maybe not but didn't share the second part of the thought of, " … not if he's thinking of some other guy filling her!"

She asked me if I was going to be okay, "using up the last 4 condoms with me," and I told her that while I did feel some concerns, I still wanted to do it and let her have the experience she seemed to 'need' to have.

She was almost apologetic about it until I told her more of what I remembered about how she was sexual when we were younger. She said she felt almost embarrassed at hearing me remind her how she used to love sex all the time and, yes, even she had to admit that back then just as now, she came out and said, "I guess I have always liked that" (having guys cum in her).

I reminded her that it was her that wanted it back then just as I see her wanting this to happen now.


One thing I did say was that I did not think I was going to be ready for Paul to be spending 2 nights in a row here, not just yet. She intended that this be during the week as weekends do still somewhat need to be reserved for other things where just one night and not 2 nights would be better.

I told her that we needed to work up to that desire of hers and that especially with the whole morning time getting ready to go to work, I told her that we needed to ease into that. I suggested that we start with just 1 night during the week whenever that begins.

She was very understanding but at the same time also said, "So I'll just spend the 2 nights at his place then."

I wasn't surprised by that response!

As we talked she asked to be reminded of what I found so arousing when they had spent the night before and all of the same things we had previously spoken about came up. She looked at me and said, "I enjoy those things, honey". It was a little sobering but, at the same time, even just hearing her say it was a turn-on.

She looked at me and said that was what she wanted to feel. I told her that I was a little concerned that this, to me, was more than just sex but was bordering on more intimate and emotional stuff that I didn't think she was hoping for.

She was very open with her answer and said that if she wanted Paul so much she would surely have figured out how to see him more or be with him more.

I asked her what does he think and she told me that other than my fictitious ED issues, she's been telling Paul more and more about me over the past few weeks since she's felt my acceptance. She said she's told him that I’m not upset by the ED issue and that she's told him, "it sort of works for his fantasies too." She says she's told Paul that she thinks she's having a 'midlife crisis' and that, " … you are the lucky one that I've picked!

I asked her more about what she's said to him about my supposed ED issue and she shared with him that we (she and I) have decided that she can use this opportunity and coincidence to let her 'live out her fantasy of having a younger stud lover who she can go crazy with'. She said he laughed at her calling him a 'younger stud'.

I asked her what he said about me in all of this and that I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I saw him next.

She said that he was very okay with everything and he said something about if it was him with an ED issue he would be a little self-conscious; and that he thinks it’s great that I am so willing to let her have fun.

So I asked her again about what it all means to her (and him) and whether it's more than just them having sex.

She was quiet for a moment and then said that she didn't feel she was in love with Paul nor did she feel like she was falling in love with him and she proceeded to tell me how she felt about him vs. me. She admitted to being infatuated with the idea of turning up the sexual intensity between them and she looked at me and said pretty clearly that amid passionate sex with him, she admits it's a very intimate moment between them when "I am his..... at least for a little while".

She looked at me and asked me if I was okay with that. Before I could answer she told me that I've been there many times and watched when they've been having sex, " …you've been there baby," and she asked me how I felt.

I told her that it makes me ache in one way but that seeing them together is very beautiful.

She asked me what I felt seeing her, " … take him in me." I told her that seeing his fat cock sliding into her was one of the most intense moments and one that made me feel amazingly turned on.

She smiled at me being so explicit and then asked how I'd felt the last time Paul had spent the night.

I realized at that moment that if either of them wanted this to be more than what it is, they'd already had plenty of opportunities to do so. I just said, "ok".

She looked at me and said, "It's going to be no different baby".


Last night, some of this was still in my mind when Suzanna came out of the bathroom in her night-shirt and asked, " .. are you ready to have some fun".

I'm like Pavlov's dog in how my cock starts to get hard on Wednesday nights. Last night when we lay down in bed and turned the volume down on the TV she looked at me and said that she 'enjoys sharing this', how it makes her feel very close to me, and, in her words, said, 'it was very intimate'.

I told her that I hoped we were still going to do this after Labor Day and she immediately said, "Me too baby!" She then proceeded to tell me how she still wanted this to be good for me and smiled and giggled and said that she hoped it was something we were going to continue to do in the future.

She teased me by saying that she hoped I was ready to, "give up fucking me!"

I was surprised at her choice of words and at how forward it was of her to just say that. I grunted and told her that I wasn't sure I was ever going to be ready but I squeezed her hand and told her that I wanted it to happen.

She smiled and moved closer to me and she started to say things to me about how she was going to feel, " … when it's just Paul I get to feel".

I groaned, looked up at her, and told her that as much as it pained me to think about it, " … I want you to do it, baby."

She cooed back to me that she loved hearing that from me and again, she promised that it was going to be something that would be good for both of us.

She deliberately looked at my stiff cock but she no longer needs to prompt me or to ask me to start masturbating for her. Like Pavlov's dog, I don't need prodding and I like saying to myself that I am doing it for her too. I mean it's obviously for me too but I like the idea to think that I am wanking for her benefit and knowing she loves to watch makes it even easier.

She complimented me in that I'd done quite a bit of 'manscaping', it was something she'd suggested a while back and I have to say that I was pleased that she'd noticed as I thought I'd done a pretty good job of it. As I stroked my cock she cooed that without all those 'untidy pubic hairs' she could see more of my cock; that it would be nicer for her when (if?) she gave me a blow job not to have hair getting the way. She said again how it turned her on to see my big hard cock knowing she wasn't going to be fucking it soon.

I looked at her wide-eyed at hearing her being so explicit.

She looked back and said, "What? You know it turns me on that you aren't going to be putting that in me soon!" then added, "Besides, I love seeing how big you look while you let me watch you".

My cock was rock solid already and pulsing as she giggled and said, " …. I love watching you cum baby, and seeing your big hard cock too".

As I started to stroke away she leaned closer and cooed in my ear asking me to tell her what turns me on to think about what might happen regarding the future. Coupled with what she'd just said to me, it was one of those moments when feeling her hand on my shoulder and hearing her softly moan as I stroked myself, no further encouragement was required for me to be sharing my thoughts with her.

I told her how I liked hearing her cry out in pleasure and how I liked knowing how she felt. She moaned softly and I told her that it turned me on to think about what he was doing to or with her and how he was likely fucking her as I heard her.

I stroked my cock and she softly asked me to, "Tell me more."

I told her that it turned me on that she'd be in our bed with him and that she'd likely fall asleep naked with him, " … and with his cum still in you".

It felt good to say it. (Even now as I write I can feel this kind of feeling of relief having told her things more explicitly.) I moaned as I talked and I told her how it turned me on that she'd sleep with him and how she'd feel warm all over next to him; how he might feel her hard nipples on his back if she rolled towards him. She moaned right along with me.

I felt like it was as if I was having a dream with her just moaning gently in approval of what I was saying, such that I think I even closed my eyes and said something about, " … me being 'there in person', just looking."

She teased me and said, "You know, sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night ...."

I moaned in reply!

She looked at my hand stroking my cock and asked me, "Do you 'do this' (meaning masturbating) when you hear us?"

I told her yes and that it was something I found myself enjoying even more, just hearing her rather than seeing her.

She giggled and told me that she knew I had a good imagination. But it was when I told her " … it turns me on and drives me crazy to think of you waking up with him in the morning.”

She moaned at that but then cooed, "Mmm, yeah, it's something I want to do more of...." and I grunted in approval of that!

Our little teasing banter went back and forth for a while as I got closer and closer to cumming. Finally, I was right on the edge when I told her, "... I am just so horny at thinking of you with him in our bathroom getting ready in the morning....”

She knew and could tell from how my voice sounded that I was being sincere and saying something close to my heart.

I told her that I could 'see' her in the shower with him and that really turned me on she giggled back and asked me if I liked, ". to see him drying me off?”

I nodded (but didn't share the thoughts in my head of her sitting on the toilet while he was at the mirror shaving); I moaned that I was close and she slid over closer and she told me she loved watching me and then said, "Come on baby, let me see all that cum; let me see you cum".

Pavlov's dog or not, at that moment, the feel of her hand gently touching my shoulder as she moaned with an incredibly sexy sound, was enough to push me over and I granted her wish.


I've become quite stoic about things right now. I suppose it borders on a bit of masochism in a way, but to me, this is a pleasurable pain.

I have requested her to delay the time when they will spend 2 nights at our house rather than say no to it forever. I think that it's going to be too much for me to see and hear and know about them having sex when I know that I am not.

If I am honest, I think it'll be okay after a few weeks, when the initial shock of me no longer fucking her has sunk in that two nights in a row will be OK. I am also aware that it's likely that if she's looking at 2 mid-week nights with him, it will likely include Wednesday nights. If that is the case then I'll be surely jerking off alone!

When we talked Suzanna had already made mention of 'the long term' but said she was not going to be looking for 3 nights in a row. No matter what, she says, there was going to be at least one night she would be home alone with me between when she saw Paul.


I suppose this is what it feels like to have your head in the guillotine and know the blade is coming down at some point. In many ways, I have to be honest and say that as the Labor Day weekend approaches I am looking forward to it, the day of execution! In the brief discussions we've had about the actual plans for that, I know that she agreed to want it to be more of a ceremony of sorts between us.

When we talked about it she said that last time was more 'just playing' but that she'd like to make it something more serious this time. It's going to sound crazy but last night while she was off doing something or other, I found myself very horny and I wound up masturbating to some porn videos showing guys using condoms I will share that I orgasmed quite intensely the thought of how it's going to be to pull out of her after I've filled the 4th condom, knowing that may be the last time for quite a while. I can't explain how arousing the thought is of seeing her lying beneath me after I've pulled out knowing that I may not get to feel her pussy for a long time. Just thinking about it now, does it ever get me hard?

I'm quite sure that I'm going to have (many) more moments of doubt and second thoughts but, at the same time, I am also quite confident that Suzanna will not waver from her plans at this point and will keep to her word.


Our ******** called and said she was at the beach with friends and wouldn't be back till late. Suzanna decided this would be a good opportunity for her to go see Paul as she knew that he would be back home after his golf game. (Paul was golfing when she called but they arranged to see each other this afternoon.)

I was there when she called him and I could tell the moment he said yes, the smile and flush on her face was so hot to see. When she hung up with him she was very affectionate with me and we kissed and hugged for a bit she said that she loved that I could be so comfortable now to let her go see him on the spur of the moment like this.

I told her that I was sure she wanted to see him but I also asked her if this was going to change our time together this weekend. She kissed me and said she couldn't promise she'd want to have sex with me tonight after seeing him, she did say, " … but tomorrow night will be for you and me."

She gave me another kiss and then smoothed the front of her skirt and teased me, “I'll let you spend a lot of time down there if you want to!" ; her way of saying I can go down on her pussy tomorrow night and do whatever I want.

Before she left she reached down and felt my hard cock and she giggled that I'll, " … just have to wait till tomorrow".

I tried to make her feel comfortable going off to see him and I told her to enjoy herself and she smiled and said she would.

As I said, stoic. I would have liked her to have been here this afternoon, take a swim in the pool together, and maybe have a glass of wine this afternoon, but at the same time, my balls are boiling already now knowing what she'll be doing the rest of the afternoon.

I had to laugh at how quickly Paul said yes to them getting together as well as how surprised Suzanna was at his enthusiastic response. She looked at me and I smiled and said, "I can understand him; he's a lucky guy".


She just texted me that she's on her way home with a smiley face at the end of it.

Yes, I know she postponed me till tomorrow night but that will be okay with me. Based on how I'm feeling right now, letting my desire rise for another day will only make tomorrow better.


I can't explain my feelings right now, there is this undertone of impending dread but at the same time, I have to say that I am both excited and, in a way, eager for the next few weeks to go by. I have a feeling as though that guillotine is hanging overhead right now … but in a good way. I know I'm going to have many moments and times when I am going to regret what we are doing but at the same time, it seems to be what I truly want to experience.

I do understand what she wants to feel and I can understand why she doesn't, or possibly can't, feel it with me.

I remember many things from early on between us which tells me she wants to feel that way.

I can remember kissing her and her letting me undo her jeans and slipping my hand beneath her panties to finger her till she moaned softly in my ear asking me if I felt my fingers and her panties getting wet. That sort of passionate moment just doesn't happen between people who've been together 30 years or more now, believe me, it just doesn't, and I know that she is sincere about some of what she wants to feel with the way she's talked.

I can remember driving in the car with her after being out at a bar for a few drinks and how again, I'd get my hand into her pants or under her skirt and how she'd lie back and let me finger-fuck her as we drove home. While she may not do exactly those things with him, I do understand and recognize how she wants to feel with him.

It does scare me a little but at the same time, I know that she is also very aware of what is going on with herself right now. I think that's because something different with Paul now versus Robert or anyone in her past, she's assumed the alpha role now. Her forwardness in calling him today is an example of that. So, in many ways, I think this is reassuring me that we should be okay.

I also know that while she's not doing this to hurt me, that I am bound to get bruised in the course of things but I do trust her that she'll make it as good as it can be for me while getting what she wants out of it.

What I am getting excited about is letting that part of me think more about everything and, more so, I am trying to imagine and sort of think about how things are going to be.

I know it sounds crazy but I do want to hear her cry out from in our room and for me to not be there and as I listen from the guest room only imagine what he is doing to and with her. However, I do want to see her comfortable enough to let me in on her pleasure and not feel too self-conscious about letting me watch or enjoy along with her.

Fuck, I'm going to be horny by the time tomorrow night gets here.


I am feeling unique right now as some new ground was broken last night here. I asked her when she was seeing Paul again, with this being the last weekend our ******** was home.

Our ******** announced she was going to the beach for the day and Suzanna immediately turned to me and I gave her a knowing nod, giving my consent to the unasked question. Paul is playing golf now as expected but with our ******** now not returning till this evening, he is going to call Suzanna when he is on his way home and she is hoping time will be sufficient for her to see him briefly. If not, then as we'd already discussed, she wants to see him this week, which won't be a problem as our ******** is returning to college tomorrow. I told her that I expected her to see him before the long Labor Day holiday weekend when he would not be around.

The new ground that was broken last night is still making me wonder and realize just how lucky and wonderful I am to have a wife like Suzanna. She came to me last night when we were in our bedroom before bed and said she wanted to ask me something that was bothering her.

I nodded yes and I was surprised when she asked me, "Are you more turned on each time we have sex and you use a condom … does it turn you on that way?”

I looked at her trying to get her line of thinking but before I could answer she proceeded to tell me that she's been thinking of how I've been recently and also said that she had also been thinking of back to things in the past. She came out and asked me if it turned me on that each time I used a condom with her so it was one more time that I didn't get to cum in her, then she said it, "But you know that Paul still does". She said it seems to her that it's something that seems to turn me on even more each time we have continued to do so.

I started to say it was sort of true and she smiled and started to tell me how she knew it wasn't easy for me to think about it in terms of 'being a man' and the 'whole masculinity thing' but she asked me to be honest and she told me that, no matter what, I was always a man in her eyes but she asked me to be honest and said that she'd been wondering if this thing about me getting more turned on was maybe true?

I told her that I'd never thought about it in terms of more but said that in some ways she was right. She hugged me and said that she loved knowing something that deep about me and now understood more about me than she thought she did.

She told me how she could now see that I needed to feel that we were good that our love was strong and that she loves I have come out with the way I seem to truly feel. She looked at me and said what I've long believed, " …. you love it when I do it with someone else either before or instead of you!" She paused and said, "It's always been this way, hasn't it, that when you've felt I loved you so much, you would let yourself feel this way and let yourself enjoy it".

She said that she regretted how it must have hurt me after we'd been skiing that time and she didn't give me that feeling and that type of relationship intimacy that I need. Then she looked at me and said, "So, me knowing and now really understanding this, I'll make sure you always feel that way baby".

I am now just tingling all over. She asked me to be honest and tell her the answer to her question. And when I told her yes, that I'd not given it thought that way but yes, the better I felt about us and the more secure and connected I felt to her, that yes - and for both of us I think it just suddenly made sense.

She looked at me and said, "It feels good for you to not cum in me and know that I want Paul to do it, doesn't it baby?"

I just nodded and before I could answer she said she loved me and that maybe this part of our sex life is just changing what and how makes us both feel good. She looked at me and said that there was nothing wrong with me liking her having sex with just Paul, " … if that's what turns you on".

The thing is, she just kept talking and didn't give me much space to reply, she said that she'd too been thinking back to things we'd done together only this time she said, "like the things we did when I went on and off the IUD. I can see now how that must have turned you on back then." She said that she could now sort of understand it and then she asked coyly as if she already knew the answer but wanted me to confirm, " … and when I used to tell you 'No' before I'd go see you-know-who." (She was referring to Don).

I nodded yes, slowly and a bit sheepishly at first but then as I realized what she was saying, she did seem to understand me. Just from how she asked and how her voice was, I nodded I think I realized that maybe she did understand. As I thought about it she smiled and with a tiny giggle she said, "It must turn you on then when you think about how long it's been since ... you know... you did it without a condom".

She gave a contented sigh rolled over with her back to me and said in a quiet voice, "It's going to be such fun when he comes over to stay .."

In the end, we fell asleep spooned together with her having pulled my arms around her waist and, no doubt, feeling my raging hard-on pressing against her back.


Yet another book filled!