Book #129
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She is taking off this afternoon to go spend it and likely early this evening with him. She already announced yesterday, during dinner with our ********, that she won't be home for dinner tonight. I knew it was coming but still got me hard to hear her share this last night (especially with my ******** present, whom I wonder, suspects anything).
After dinner (and with my ******** out of earshot) Suzanna said she was very happy that I was okay with her plans and that she liked being able to share with me and tell me that she wanted to be with him and that I was okay with that.
I guess that's part of what we talked about that I may not have gotten to from our 'pants on' talk over the weekend; talks which kept coming back to her telling me that she feels that I'm still holding back in some way or that I am still stuck on some kind of weird thoughts about everything.
She spent a bit of time reassuring me that I shouldn't be thinking that she thinks anything weird like I'm less of a man because I am aroused by these sorts of things. She also told me again how she is hoping that the way she's explaining things to Paul makes me more comfortable because he has no such thoughts of me being emasculated or humiliated. She told me that he thinks I'm pretty generous (which she glowed and said, 'you are') in letting her enjoy all of this and being okay with it… or at least as okay as he can be.
We got into my thinking and what I was feeling and she continued to tell me, "It's okay if you enjoy this baby". It took a while but I did tell her that I wished I could get past some of these thoughts. I may have said back to her what she's said to me, that I wished I could relax about it more.
We talked pretty openly and at times I repeated that it did turn me on to see her with Paul. I told her that it 'did turn me on' when she asked me exactly what I liked seeing or knowing and, although it made me feel awkward to say it, that I liked seeing them having sex together.
She told me that she liked it, knowing it turned me on and that it was a lot of what had 'helped her' as she came to understand herself and that she wanted me to be able to feel the same way. Again she tried to tell me that it’s okay if this stuff turns me on and that she wanted me to be able to express it more with her and not feel so self-conscious.
I responded with some of what I've long been concerned about, of feeling awkward and self-conscious, even un-manly at times, and how I felt it was still part of the 'alpha' stuff.
She smiled at me and asked me if that's really what I felt and what I wanted as a 'beta' and then said, "Remember what you told me at first, what you wanted?" She looked at me, "Do you still want that?" That, if I did, then I should tell her again and I should just say what I was thinking, that I shouldn't worry about what she'll think or how she'll react; that,
"I know what turns you on baby and it's okay, it's not going to change it hearing you say it".
It struck me hard what she'd said. I don't know if I can get past it all but I do know that over the weekend when we talked it through, it seemed easier. It wasn't all one-sided but I did start it and told her that I felt strangely but very powerfully turned on by being the 'beta' for her. I told her how it wasn't easy for me to accept but that now that it's been this long, I know it's true.
She encouraged me to tell her more and as I said, at the time, it seemed easier to do so. I can't remember the exact words but I told her that at times I felt it hard to reconcile how it turned me on to be denied with her and yet still want to feel close and even sexually satisfied with her. She looked at me and asked me if that's why the condoms seemed to turn me on so much.
I answered her honestly that it turned me on to not be cumming in her at which she giggled and said, " … even if that turns me on too?"
I told her that's exactly the conflict I feel, that it just feels weird to me to be excited by it, but that I am.
She held my hand and said to me that 'it's all okay' and then encouraged me to just tell her more what turns me on so I did open up and we looped back to talking about the 'beta' thing.
I told her that I felt very aroused by her sharing her sexuality with Paul and only affording me the opportunities to watch and know about it but not letting me be a part of it. I told her that I liked it when they were both here and I could enjoy them being together and know that was what I wanted to enjoy. I told her that I believed I'd finally conquered the feeling or need to reclaim her after she'd been with Paul and, instead, that I liked knowing she'd been with him and that she was enjoying how it felt.
We talked about denial and I was honest with her I told her that I was incredibly aroused that she and Paul are as intimate as they are and that it turned me on that Paul truly knows her body as well, maybe better than I do.
She giggled at that and said, "You could be right", that she liked how she felt with Paul and, liked even more, that I didn't feel threatened about it.
And so the weekend came to an end without us fully discussing or concluding what threatens (or does not) affect me. There's a busy week ahead so getting back to that discussion and then writing down my thoughts and interpretation might have to wait until after another round of working lunch and afternoon meetings.
*******
As predicted, getting back to my journal has been difficult as work for both of us has been pretty manic and all-consuming. As such, everything didn't go smoothly with picking up on our discussion about 'threats'.
However, Suzanna did remind me that had agreed that we would take time out once a month to have a chat about 'stuff' and that we should do so rather than just having snatched conversations. I will surely admit she is a skilled manipulator because while she didn't so much as use what I'd previously said against me, she did use it to support what she wanted; of what she thought she was going to want to do with Paul versus something hard to think about for me.
Before I blindly went along and agreed with her way of thinking, I again brought up having some kinds of limits/checkpoints on what we're doing as well as asking her how she would feel when something may have pushed me beyond my comfort point.
I started telling her what I'd felt from when I'd talked with Paul about his longer-term plans. I shared the thought that the longer she was involved (longer than she'd said she would be) the stronger she wanted things to be 'escalated' with him.
She was surprised that I'd talked about that with him (I'd thought she'd been in earshot and maybe heard us talking that time) and when I asked her how I should reconcile both things she was quite calm and said that she didn't want this exclusivity with Paul to be a permanent long-term thing but at the same time, ending it she said didn't mean she was going to stop sleeping with him.
She giggled and said, "What I want isn't going to be forever but as long as it's good with him, I'm going to want to have sex with him".
It was clear from what she was saying that she wanted to feel that euphoric feeling she already can feel sometimes; that she wants to feel anxious and eager for it with him and wants to feel that she can let herself go and not have to worry about me sexually.
I pushed her for how long she thought she was going to want this exclusivity to go on. She said that she thought it would be at least a few months but then hesitated saying that she honestly didn't know, that she hasn't thought it all the way through but maybe of it going on into next year even.
I told her that I wasn't sure that I was going to be okay with it for that long and she asked me if I knew that for sure. I said no and I remember she immediately said that she didn't know for sure either.
She looked and asked me if it scared me to let her start to do this with Paul and I told her no, that in the beginning, I wasn't scared to have started this but that now I was worried about it getting out of control or it being something she wanted and maybe I did not.
We had a bit of the back-and-forth about 'what did you want as a beta? … 'Isn't this what you wanted to try then?' and I had to agree with her but again came back to what if it's something that isn't working for me.
I won't go into all the details of the conversations that followed but she was very conciliatory to me, especially in light of what we'd already talked about regarding how I felt physically and mentally. I added that I thought us having sex periodically was also important for me and us.
She giggled and said she understood the physical need I felt and said she appreciated my need to feel and share an orgasm with and in her. She admitted that she felt the same thing and said she hoped I was okay with her also wanting and enjoying that feeling with Paul the rest of the time.
That led to talking again about physical needs versus mental and emotional needs and she asked me again if it was that I had to 'cum inside me' or that it was more that I needed to feel fulfilled and satisfied in that same way?
I had to tell her that I doubted that anything (maybe short of her sucking me to completion) would feel nearly as good.
She smiled and said she understood and even said that she, "… needed a cock more than my fingers or Jimmy (her favorite toy) sometimes".
We didn't necessarily come to any conclusions and I told her that was what led me to feeling anxious that I felt that I needed to have some sort of more clear understanding of the future. She agreed that she thought this would be good but then straightaway told me that she didn't know how it was going to work. She said that she still definitely wanted us to talk, as we'd agreed, every month or so, that, " … we are still going to have sex baby, just ... well... less frequently than now" adding that she thought that we had already agreed to every 2 months.
I accepted that maybe we had already spoken about that but told her it scared me to think more about what to expect in the future. She hugged me and agreed with me that this was important and again repeated how she just wanted this to be good for me.
The hug made me feel better but it only partially addressed my issues. I told her that I thought this would be okay in terms of timing and agreed with her that we would likely continue to refine what we both wanted as time went by.
She gave me another hug and asked if I had anything else on my mind. I felt empowered and went a little 'off topic', I asked her pretty much straight out, "What happens when what you want to do with him is too much for me?"
She looked at me quizzically, "Like what?"
I mentioned, "Am I going to be seeing more naked-tag?"
She blushed at that and then said that she hoped what she'd do with Paul, playing around, wouldn't be too much for me and then asked if it had bothered me what I saw or whether it was more the surprise of it, or was it something else.
Before I could answer she asked me if it were any different than when they'd been together at other times other than that he had chased her around the house versus just staying in our room, saying, " … should I not tell you that we play around like that when I'm at his place?"
I answered her by saying that it was more the 'in your face' aspect of him chasing her and her seeming to deliberately run around in front of me that upset me; that I thought that was perhaps a bit more than I'd wanted. I told her that I knew very well how intimate they are, but that it was more the flaunting of it that I thought bothered me.
She smiled as she recalled the 'incident' and dismissed my concerns by asking me this exact question, "So if he and I got a little 'involved' while we were downstairs in the den, that would be okay? Is that something you'd want to see as the 'beta' like you said?"
I figured she didn't get what I was saying and asked her if she understood the difference, that I would be better coping with the latter than seeing 'him chasing you around'.
She giggled and said, "I know, I'll say it again, I know that was a lot for you," then added something to the effect of 'in the future' she would keep that from me, " … would that be better; would that be okay? "
I told her honestly that I supposed it had turned me on in a way but that it also to me represented a bit more than I wanted to be aware of between them. She smiled and said that she would be sure to be mindful of that 'in the future'. She then thanked me for mentioning it and said that she could understand how I felt about it and that she would be sure to be aware if circumstances like that were happening.
We talked about more but I'm not sure that I have time or energy right now to try to recall everything we'd talked about. But in the end, I think we found ourselves a bit more connected to each other and a lot more aware of each other's needs and wants.
******
I'm not sure what it is that I feel uncomfortable about, perhaps it's just the normal amount of angst one feels at being 'a cuckold'. It's something I've long said, that while this is all exciting and satisfying, there are times when it does hurt. There are times when I feel lonely and while it is arousing to masturbate during those lonely times thinking of what she is doing, after I've cum and then calmed down, I am always a bit down having relieved the arousal but not having had 'the accompaniment'.
Similarly, I wish I could somehow get past what I feel as just a barrier and I would love to be more open and expressive with her. I can and do talk to her but I wish I could express more arousal and excitement at times than I feel I can; there are still things that fall into the non-masculine category that I can't tell her.
Even though she knows I don't mind and even like licking her clean, I still find it difficult to tell her that I want to do so at times. I can't explain it but it still just rubs against me to try to tell her that 'I want to lick Paul’s cum out of your pussy' even though it's what I want to do. A part of me seems to need her to push me that last distance over the line. (I certainly can't tell her how fascinated I am by the sight of Paul's erect cock and how I would love to touch and hold him as he pushes that fat knob into her!)
What more can I say, that's perhaps the best I can explain it.
******
Last night, she came in at about 9:30 pm and while I was in the bedroom with her when she got changed, I only made small talk with her until she began to open up about her evening. Again, once the conversation got going, it was much easier to tell her that I was turned on and that her pussy was likely wet from him and she giggled and said she'd had to 'wipe up' a bit.
******
She had more than hinted that she wanted to have sex with me last night which I even told her surprised me as she'd only been with Paul on Thursday and I thought she'd want to enjoy her lingering feelings for him a bit longer. She looked at me and said that it was maybe the first time she could remember me asking her that and she hugged me and said she loved me and loved that I was starting to be more at ease with that thought.
We talked for a little while before moving more into more sexual things and she told me that she liked knowing I was thinking about her that way and she asked, "You are okay with talking about it?"
I nodded and she proceeded to tell me that one of the biggest things she wanted to feel from me was that she didn't have to hide things from me and she told me that she wanted to make sure that I was going to truly be okay when "I put your beta wishes to the test!" and that she isn't going to be thinking of me sexually at some point; that she needed to know that I was comfortable with that.
It made me realize that I think that may be what I am somewhat fearing, that once her sexual desires are truly focused on him, I am going to miss how she was last night when I knew she genuinely wanted to have sex with me.
She held my hand and told me that it didn't have to be so dramatic and so earth-shaking for me; that if I would relax about it I might want her to be even more open if that would help share it with me.
I didn't know what she meant until she looked at me and said, "It would mean if I wanted to, that tonight maybe we'd just cuddle and we'd talk about how I felt with Paul and how I still felt .... you know, not hiding it.
"You know, if it turned you on ... you know, I'd love to see it get you horny and to, you know ... watch you sometimes when you need it .... it'd be a nice way for me, us, to share it".
I looked at her and asked more about what she meant and she said that she'd try to treat me more like 'a girlfriend'. (I recalled that we'd tried this long ago when we'd been talking but at that time I wasn't ready to be the beta yet … now I was!) I asked her what being 'the girlfriend' meant. She said that she'd tell me more if she knew it wasn't going to make me moody or too horny or unable to deal with things.
I told her that I thought it was something that might help me and that even what we'd just talked about seemed to make it easier for me. She hugged me and we kissed and, I can't explain it, I think I felt different. (I still do and re-typing this now has me feeling a bit more at ease.)
I looked at her and I asked her, "Are you still wet inside from him?"
She giggled and said, "A little …. that's it, honey, you know he cums a lot, especially when we haven't been together for a little while".
I knew I was getting horny but we weren't doing more than just kissing and holding hands and, believe it or not, I told myself, "It's not a sure thing tonight but let’s see if we can do this".
I asked, "Do you like it when he does that to you?" Before she could answer I forced myself to ask in as non-sexy a way as I could, " … does it feel good when you know he needed you like that?”
Her grin turned to an ear-to-ear smile and she looked at me and said, "Honey, it's a beautiful thing when I know he needs me …. I love it when I can feel him let go inside me .... it feels amazing".
******
It's been a crazy week and in re-reading the last few pages I realized I didn't conclude the report of last weekend; short and sweet, it culminated with us making love! She said it was wonderful and again, I don't believe she is faking it; at least if she is, she's a wonderful actress who can command her pussy to become squishingly wet.!
Our open discussion had led to us winding up in bed and she was very into sex with me which surprised me since she'd been with him on Thursday. Nonetheless, the remains of their fun surely added to ours, or at least to mine.
However, she was also not missing the opportunity to taunt and tease me about using yet one more condom and she again teased me about whether she would let me possibly, " … fill 2 of them over Labor Day weekend". Just the way she said it had me so turned on teasing me that I have maybe 6 more to use with her. I know it may sound cold but after how we'd talked and what we'd both said if anything, I was turned on even more.
She said it back then and it came up again last night both before and after I'd cum with her. Mind you it's now shared knowledge between us that it turns me on that I may no longer cum in her and last night she told me how much that turned her on too. She'd admitted that it began to turn her on more and more as she began to really 'see' that I enjoyed denial and that she realized that sometimes, despite how much she loves having semen in her pussy, that sometimes with me she too found herself growing more and more aroused herself at this.
So, both Saturday night as well as last night, she seemed even more focused on playing with my cum. She has the most intense look in her eye as she holds up a condom full of my still-warm cum, especially knowing how aroused it makes me feel to see it and know what I've again not felt with her. The way she holds it and runs it in her fingers is just so erotic.
Last night we returned to our previous conversation and she again told me how she wants to feel she can 'be herself' with Paul and not feel that she has to worry about me and how I'll react, " … if you walk in on something". It led to quite an explicit conversation where I asked her what I might walk in on and she casually said, "How are you going to feel if you walked into the den and you found Paul licking me or us fucking?"
It was so erotic and exciting that we could talk so openly but she was teasing and asking a rhetorical question given I had already witnessed both scenes. I joked with her at first, "I hoped you wouldn't leave any stains on the couch" which made her giggle and I think made her feel that I was okay with what and how we were talking about.
As we talked she told me that she and Paul often 'fooled around' elsewhere other than the bedroom in his place and she told me again that she very much didn't want to have to change any of that when they're at our house. She was quite explicit and said that sometimes they would fuck for a long time just for the joy of fucking and sometimes with her not cumming at all but just, " … enjoying him in me" and, obviously, with him waiting at times too.
She said some other stuff and I guess it was just us both getting caught up in the moment but I told her that hearing that drove me crazy and turned me on to hear her saying it. She looked at me and asked me how I was going to feel if they didn't quite so much 'push it in my face' but at the same time, didn't hold themselves back.
It was another of those nights when I felt like I could tell her anything and everything. After hearing how she felt about me using condoms and how she made me feel good about it being something we are 'doing together', it just felt so special.
One thing she had said was that I shouldn't feel awkward about what turns me on and that she loves knowing 'this side' of me. She said, "I know it turns you on that I am with him instead of you …" and that she loves knowing that and said it's not something she feels I should be concerned about as long as she is okay with it. Believe me, she is quite okay about it!
She was also okay lying next to me in just her bra and panties when she encouraged me by saying, " … talk to me baby .... let me watch you while you tell me what turns you on baby....”
I soon started to talk, telling her that I knew it was going to make me horny to see them 'being free' and that I wanted her to feel she didn't have to worry about me.
She moaned a supportive 'uh huh baby' and I told her that I thought it would be very erotic to see them acting and behaving just as they do at his place. She looked at me and I told her that if she wants to fuck him downstairs in our den that she should do so and that I would be okay with it. I told her that I expected that sometimes it would make me feel awkward or even uncomfortable but that I wanted her to not mind that.
She smiled and said, "Are you sure?"
I nodded yes and told her, "Yeah, it's hard for me to say it to you but I want to see you involved with him". I said a few other things which included telling her, "I want you to do what you want and not worry about me."
I took a deep breath, hesitated for a moment, then said, ".... I want to feel as though you are his...”
She moaned at that, put her hand on me, and told me she loved me and that she knew it was hard for me to say stuff like that to her. I took her hand in mine and I told her that I didn't understand it but that I loved that she was going to be his sexually and with a deep breath I told her, "It's what I want; it's what I want to feel as the beta".
Without any notice, she kissed me passionately. When the kiss ended she looked at me and said, "I know this is hard for you baby … " Then she looked and saw that my other hand was on my now very hard cock, smiled, and said, " … but I know it turns you on and I love that".
She reached down and I lifted my butt to make it easier for her to slide my boxers off of me. As she pulled them off she knelt on the bed and looked down at me now naked and said, "I love seeing you and watching you do this".
I swear my cock throbbed in reaction to how she said that.
As I started to stroke more, I told her more. I told her that I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me and that I knew there were going to be many difficult moments. I was so horny as I told her that and at the same time, I knew that there were going to be far more times that turned me on, I admitted that I was looking forward to it. She moaned softly as I told her that I wanted to feel my desire for her building and to know that it wouldn't be satisfied for a long time.
She cooed back softly, "Tell me more baby."
I did; I told her how I wanted to know how it was going to feel to have him staying in our room for 2 nights in a row and for me to be in 'my room' next door and to know she was his. I think I was looking away from her as I told her I wanted to hear her moaning with him and that it was crazy to say it but that I wanted to hear them together in the morning, in the bedroom, and the bathroom together.
She cooed back at me, "Mmm, that turns you on doesn't it baby, that I don't mind him in the bathroom with me".
I groaned back that she didn't do that with me and she giggled and said, "I would if you weren't my beta man," which made me moan louder in return.
I can't recall specifically what was said that pushed me over the edge, but I do know that in the moments of extreme arousal that I told her she looked incredible in her bra and panties and that it would turn me on if she'd tease me wearing them sometimes. She giggled and told me that she remembered how it used to drive me crazy to not see her and she started to tease me about thinking about doing that again just before I suddenly let go.
I know she was wide-eyed as I spurted over my hand and stomach and she said some things to me but I can't recall exactly what she was saying as I had thoughts of my own going through my head as well. I do know that it felt awesome to let her see just how turned on I was and I know I heard her moan softly as I kept stroking my cock.
It was afterward after I'd caught my breath and realized that she was lazily playing with my cum, picking it up between her fingers and seeing how stringy it was, when she said, "It seems like maybe you're finally relaxing about all of this .... if this is any evidence of it." That was the first time I'd tilted my head downward and saw what to me, and I guess her, was again a seemingly huge load of cum from me.
She leaned over when I'd raised my head and kissed me and told me that she loved 'seeing this'. She looked at me and asked if it felt good; she asked me if there was anything she could do to make it feel even better for me.
I jokingly but also seriously said, "You could suck me at the end so I didn't make such a mess!"
She giggled and said, "I could....... but I won't....." and she ran a finger through my cum and brought it up to my lips, " … I couldn't play with it like this and I wouldn't get to see you either". As I licked it off her finger she smiled and added, " … besides, that's not something you get as a beta baby".
Fuck, that was so hot to hear her say that and so I told her so, "That gets me horny when you say that"
She giggled and said, "I know".
A moment later she lifted her head away from playing with my cum to again bring a fingerful to my lips and she asked if there was anything else I could think of, "like maybe holding these?" She reached down and cupped my balls!
I moaned and told her that would probably be pretty erotic and she giggled and moved my hand to my cock and said, "Maybe I'll give it a tug or two, and let’s see how it feels".
While it was still soft and small, her warm hand and fingers felt exceptionally nice and I told her so.
She smiled and said, "See, that's what I mean about relaxing and making this fun baby".
The thing is, she's right. The feelings have sort of lingered into today maybe she's right and I should just relax about it and let’s see what happens.
********
I can surely say that Suzanna looks forward very much to the times when we are together and I masturbate with her. From when we've talked, she shares the same feelings as I do that she wants to be a part of the pleasure that I get just as I want to be a part of hers. As I've said, it's become easier and less of something we need to feel cautious about.
When she shared with me that she was quite horny for Paul, it wasn't a sexually charged moment, more of her sharing how she feels and what she wanted.
She asked me quite casually if I was okay if she found a way to spend some time with him today. I looked at her and told her that I'd never say no to her and told her to have a good time and that I hoped she might share some of her fun with me afterward. She smiled and said, "That would be nice" so I am now eager for her to come home later and tell me about it.
I'll also share that we talked a bit more on Sunday night as we lay in bed after we'd had sex.
She asked me if I was getting upset or concerned about the prospect of only 5 more times with her. I turned to her and told her that I didn't think I was ever going to be ready to give up sex with her but, for now, I am accepting it and I told her that I wanted it to be good for both of us and to be what she wanted.
She held me tightly and told me she loved me and that she promised she would still make me feel good 'in other ways.
******
Our weekend was full of surprises and not just between Suzanna and me. Our ******** announced that this past weekend was the only time that she and her friends could get together before school begins and they go their separate ways (different colleges). So, come Friday afternoon through later Sunday evening, we had between 4-6 other girls here in the house which put Suzanna into hostess mode and reduced us to finding our 'alone time' on Sunday night.
She teased me that, "the girls are old enough," and that perhaps the beta in me wanted to be a little more ******* to the girls. (Mind you they are all 20 and 21 years old so they are not little girls by any notion!) At another point, she teased that if I was horny I should masturbate but added that I should keep it quiet or the girls might 'peek in on you'.
When the girls were all lying out at the pool I have to say that them all wearing bikinis left little to the imagination. Suzanna saw I had been 'taking notice' and told me that she knew they were making me horny and that I should save that for Sunday night!
After 'our guests' had left, come Sunday night Suzanna said that we should have sex. I was a little concerned that she didn’t seem like she was very much into it but she assured me that, "once we get started, I'll be there for you".
She was right, maybe a little distant to begin with, but once I'd gotten into licking her pussy she definitely came around, and soon after that we were amid passion together. She admitted afterward that while she orgasmed with me, it wasn't like some of the past few weekends where I left her sated. I asked if there was a reason and she admitted to me that not seeing Paul was getting to her. She still insisted that I would get time over the next 4 weekends and she even counted out 5 condoms that she smiled at me and said that we'll be using them up.
******
I didn't tell her but I can already feel her pulling back a bit in sexual areas, but at the same time, our conversation and non-sexual intimacy have skyrocketed.
We shared a bottle of wine after work on Monday and she shared that she will be happy when our ******** ventures back to school. It was nice to be talking about doing stuff around the house and about possibly traveling this Fall to check out some other areas of the country.
******
Our ******** announced she has plans for early this evening so Suzanna is taking clear advantage of this to see Paul this afternoon and spend the early evening with him. Since I'm working from home today I told Suzanna it wasn't a problem and that hopefully, it stays cooler out today so I can do some work around the yard while she's out. She smiled and hugged me and told me, "Thank you for understanding".
******
I don't know that they necessarily plan on spending a lot of time with me or sharing all of their meals with me all the time when he is staying with us for 2 days but, at the same time, I already know that they are going to push the envelope.
Yes, it is going to be awkward being around them when he's here. I've talked with Suzanna more though and I told her that, at least not at first, I couldn't deal with having to constantly be dealing with them running around naked or that sort of stuff in our house. She calmed me down and said that she would be considerate of me and she said that she and Paul have already been talking and she says she'd like for Paul to have his bath-robe at our house and that, if anything, that they'd both be wearing robes most of the time. She held my hand and she told me she knew it wasn't going to be something I'd want to see all the time.
However, it did lead to some clarifying conversation when she asked me, "Would you mind though if we did sometimes?"
I told her that I expected, even wanted, to see it sometime as I told her it turned me on when I could see and 'know' she was horny for him. She giggled and said that would be easy but, " … it's not something I want to make you feel uncomfortable about".
She's promised to be home in time for our usual Wednesday fun tonight so I'm looking forward to that for now.
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Overall things are becoming more at ease with what we are doing. She is reassuring me constantly that my wishes to be the beta for her are okay with her and again that it's something we are both doing willingly that's come to this acceptance.
I will say that I do still most definitely want to be the beta sexually for her. It is something I've been thinking about more lately and I think her attitude towards wanting me to be fulfilled in my wishes in that choice is helping me. I will admit I am scared and hesitant, but at the same time, I know that I do want this.
This must seem crazy but the more time goes by and the closer Labor Day weekend gets, the more I am feeling arousal and excitement by it.
While I am still hesitant and a little scared, at the same time I cannot deny that I do want this for us; I want to feel like I am a true beta and give her completely sexual to Paul.
Even as I type this my cock is rock hard and I have a wet spot already growing; just the thought of what's to come (cum?) arouses me intensely. I know it won't be easy at first, but I want to do the best I can with this to give Suzanna what she wants to experience too. The thought of her only sharing her sexuality with him is something I want, or I will even say, need to feel and experience.
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New book time!
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