Journal of a Journey - Book 106

With the kids gone, she is spending a little more time with him this afternoon/evening but foregoing seeing him tomorrow. In exchange for this 'deal' she says she will be seeing him at least once (or twice) over the holiday weekend. We're unsure about an overnight over the holiday weekend as the kids now both have cars so there's the possibility they might decide to come home.

I have to say that having had that conversation with Paul still seems a little surreal. It could have turned raunchy or any other direction but he really seemed to almost respect what we are doing which is something Suzanna has said before. It was also very obvious to me that beyond enjoying the sex with her, that he seemed detached in other ways, he even commented and complimented on Suzanna being very unique in enjoying things as they are in 'our situation'. I told him that this was something that took a long time to get to; he said that he knew that and that he'd talked with her about it.

The condom question wasn't mentioned. While she says he knows that I am using condoms with her and that he knows that it's something I am wanting, it's not something that came up . Indeed, I should credit Suzanna with listenening to what I'd said about not wanting to feel suddenly overwhelmed with Paul's knowledge, or rather his display of it.

Also, true to what he said and what she said, neither of them seemed to find anything at all off about me going down on her like I did. I don't know if it will be something we will do all the time but I know she intentionally looks to include me.

I will say that it bought back some feelings that I hadn't really remembered from the past until now. Over time I've licked quite a bit of cum from her pussy put there from a number of guys but somehow it feels a little different this time. I'm sure it's in my head and maybe after it happens a few more times I'll feel less self-conscious about it. I can remember these feelings from before but can't quite explain how it feels to be with a guy who's semen you've licked out of your wife's pussy.

I still don't have a good understanding on how I feel around him and it's something I want Suzanna to tell me more about.

Maybe it evolves a bit more now so that I get to be a part of their sex more often and it becomes something that becomes more regular. As she (and he) said, that if I do it where it feels right as part of the whole thing between them, then she feels it's just a part of it with him and that it only adds to it (her words).

I didn't masturbate that night, knowing he wasn't spending the night. As I said, I hoped that she would have wanted a little more with me, especially with how she looked (and flashed me) in that robe she had on as she walked Paul out to the front door. But when she came back up she just teased me a little and said that she'd 'really had enough' and that she wanted to know if I would wait till Sunday.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up for although she'd asked me I knew what she wanted and it was pretty obvious she was going to want to wait. I mean, I did hear them going at it again while I was downstairs and from the little flash she gave me when he left and the more full view of her once we got in the bedroom, I could see she had been quite active after I'd left them alone.

So we went to bed with me looking forward to having a lay-in Sunday morning but instead her sister and brother-in-law came over early so I wound up waiting till later at night!


In the little conversation we did have about 'going further' when we're all together, she told me that I should take things as slowly as I want. Which translated as, 'if I wasn't comfortable using a condom with Paul there, that I shouldn't have a go at her until I am'. She emphasised again, told me, that he knows about it.

Paul seems like an okay guy, I can see why Suzanna feels the way she does when she's with him, I can feel that he is very aware of her needs and that he really looks to fulfil them which I have to say is something that is beautiful to see. It's incredible to see them kissing and his hands knowing just where and what she likes and even hearing her gasp at times when I see his fingering her pussy.

When he did ask me about how I felt about everything I told him that in a way, seeing and knowing she's with him, knowing that I can't or don't get to have her as much makes me see her as a Penthouse model of sorts, who I feel lust for and am so aroused and attracted to but at the same time, I don't get to have her.

He smiled at how I said that and he said that he'd never thought of it that way. But he really seemed to understand when we talked about things in terms of the amount of time that we've been together (about 30 years now) and this is where I got the feeling he respected us in how he said that it was good that we could explore things that turned us on even if they're a little different.

I also told him the saying about regret that we'd heard so long ago. That, don't grow old and regret not having tried something we'd been curious rather than regretting actually trying something and deciding it wasn't for us! He laughed at that when I told him that was one of the things I'd told Suzanna when we first started talking about her and other guys but that was as close to explicitly talking about sex with her as we got.


Last night we resumed our Wednesday ritual!

She had gone to him after work to spend the early evening and I was obviously horny waiting for her to home. She was in a very teasing mood when she came home close to 9pm and I'm guessing knowing the kids wouldn't be there let her relax a bit.

It was good to see her knowing what she's been doing and to know that it makes me feel warm inside. We went upstairs after she'd told me a little about their evening (pizza for dinner; what they talked about, nothing/anything/everything) and then when I followed her upstairs and watched her get changed, she told me more.

With them not seeing each other now till over the weekend sometime, she told me that they'd been at it for hours and nonchalantly mentioned that he'd cum twice while she said she couldn't even count how many times she came. She came and stood next to me with just a t-shirt and her panties on which had that noticeable wet-spot in them and she smiled to see my hard-cock. A moment later she said, "you know what we haven't done in a while?" and I knew what she meant when she smiled and slid off her panties and said, "take him out" (meaning my cock). Then she said I should stroke it while she rubbed her hands all over herself, playfully pulling the t-shirt up and showing her breasts; the next second her fingers spread her pussy lips giving me a view of her wetness.

She climbed onto the bed and let me watch as she moved around so I could better see her, turned so that her head was facing toward my cock and I could see more of her pussy. My cock was hard already when she started to talk to me., telling me how nice it was with Paul and how good the sex was.

When I looked towards her pussy she had her fingers again playing with the outer lips and spreading the wetness that was seeping from between them. "He fucked me really good baby," was one thing she said several times. At other times when she saw my gaze toward her pussy she'd ask, "You like seeing that don't you?" knowing I could see how wet and now open she was.

I could probably go on and on in sharing more of what she said and more that I grunted in reply. There was no doubt she was enjoying teasing me and she ran through all of the range of what she's said before including, "it's only Paul's cum in me baby...."

Needless to say, I replied in kind but in a way that it felt better than I'd remembered to be sharing that with her again. I know it turned me on a lot more to talk this way and I think it made me feel more relaxed about it all too. She told me several times that I will have 'a turn' with her over the weekend but she didn't say whether it'd be with Paul when he's here or afterwards like last weekend.

It was wonderful to hear her squeal with delight when I let loose last night as I started to cum. I think sometimes I used to feel some reluctance on Wednesdays with maybe my hoping to have had sex with her, but not last night. Of course, I'm sure this is all in my head but lying there stroking away next to her last night felt great.

She told me some details about her and Paul, how his cock felt in her and how his hands felt holding her as she came. Maybe it was in my head but it seemed like even she was talking more openly and I told her I loved hearing it as I moaned away and I could hear her following along.

I'm sure she orgasmed when I did as I felt the bed shudder and heard her take several sharp breaths. Hearing and feeling that was awesome to me and I let it go, holding off as much as I could until one final stroke and then I exploded with a huge grunt. I heard her moan softly as I kept stroking and then felt her hand on mine for the last few. It felt so wonderful when she moved my hand away and she reached down to the base of my cock and drew out the last few dribbles of cum … and as I lay there I knew what was coming.

She leaned over and told me how sexy it was watching me cum. She then trailed her fingers across my stomach and as she played with my cum she sounded all warm and loving telling me, "oooh baby, there's so much of it....". I really need to go into details of how we shared her cleaning me up.

I'm not terribly horny today but I'm quite sure that by the weekend I'll be more than ready for her.


True chastity play hasn't ever interested either Suzanna or I.

She still feels that if I want to masturbate that it should be my own decision but that she wants to be in control of what we do together and she'll likely be the first to say that if my masturbation makes it so that I am not ready for her when she may want sex with me that it's my loss, not hers!

And, yes, we are using condoms together, but there too, she's in control of how many of those we get to use together.


We talked a bit more over the weekend and one of the things I told her was that I thought things would be easier for me regarding Paul if he were a bit more of an aggressive/dom kind of guy. She said she knew this already and she was the one who said that I had responded differently when she was seeing Don and how I seemed to go along with things a bit more from how she remembered.

I told her that it was easier when he 'took his place' and took control of situations when it was the 3 of us together. I also told her that I felt less self-conscious about things because I felt that I knew and understood how he felt. It wasn't a criticism of Paul but more of an awareness of myself regarding being around him.

The last thing I'll share before heading into the office is that she asked me which I preferred, for her to stay overnight at his place tomorrow (Wednesday) or Thursday night into Friday. I was a bit taken aback at being asked so suddenly without much real other discussion but I tentatively told her that I'd prefer Thursday night.

She smiled and said, "thank you".


The ambivalence and reluctance that I feel is because there is no one person who is the alpha in the relationship between the 3 of us right now. I don't know that I want Paul to change so much as to point out what I'm feeling and maybe some thought about why.

It was interesting that she brought up Don and her reference to how I was with him vs. Paul. I've thought about it before and to me it felt different having Don be the one who wanted a certain kind of behaviour or had certain expectations. His expression of them directly to me and indirectly, I think looking back, made it easier for me to accept and adopt a role that diminished my masculinity (that's the closest I can come to expressing it) and made it easier for me to be okay with him knowing what we or I were doing.

To put it bluntly, it felt 'less gay', less having a 'diminished masculinity' with Don knowing Suzanna and I weren't fucking against how it feels for Paul to know that. It is different, I know that, and that is a big difference, my doing so with Paul with him knowing it is my own doing rather than with Don where ostensibly I was doing it for him. Looking back I also know and recognize that I did so without any real complaint or resistance so, in some ways, it is the same.

I know it's a stupid thing to have my head hung up about it but it is what it is. It's taken me this long to accept things myself that I like what we're doing and I actually like the condom usage. While I would love to join them the way Suzanna would like, I'm not quite ready to make Paul a part of that.

It has made me self-conscious enough that I went down on her after he had cum in her even though Paul seemed to think nothing of it other than saying it was fun what we all did. That doesn't necessarily make it feel less self-conscious for me.


Tonight, she banished me to the office when I told her that it turned me on that Paul was going to have her overnight on Thursday and that I was horny about it. She rolled over to me and felt my hard cock and giggled and said that if I was that horny that I should go to my den and then be quiet when I come back to bed.


One obvious solution would be if Suzanna would take the alpha role herself, where she'd be more the leader than a follower, but I don't see her doing that. In the past she's done it for a while but has never kept it up which makes me truly believe that it's not in her character despite it being something that could be fun for both of us.

However, I have to recognise that in reality Suzanna is acting in dominant mode most of the time when we are in sexual mode. She consults but makes her own decisions and Paul defers to her. Yes, he fucks her hard but I'm pretty sure that is because it's what she wants from him.

Don was different in that he didn't care what I wanted, perhaps he even put me in difficult situations deliberately sometimes just to show he could. Suzanna doesn't do this; doesn't need to, but she is clearly in charge; she does govern and decide what we (she and I) will do together, but she seems to almost do it passively. I guess maybe part of what I think I need is maybe for her to do it a bit more?

In a way I wish she'd be the one after she's done with Paul to look over at me and say, "how about you come and clean me up a bit?" or for her to be the one to say that I should put on a condom and take a turn with her. Hearing her or Paul say that, is, I think what I need to give me the comfort in doing so rather than the self-consciousness I feel because it's only me saying it in my head.

I'm laughing to myself because it really just is an excuse, one that my conscience will accept. I'm laughing because in a way I sound like Suzanna eight years ago where she needed to hear me tell her that I wanted her to have sex with other guys and her using that to counter her own misgivings, at least that's how it was early on.


We briefly talked about this alpha thing last night and she said that she'd 'think about it' and that was really all she said.

What we did talk about was that she wanted to be sure I was okay and good with her restarting her overnighting with Paul. I told her I was okay but that I kind of wanted to know more about what they did other than sex and she giggled and said, "that'll be a short conversation as it's mostly sex you know!"

What she did say again is that she honestly feels that neither of them have any romantic or strong emotional needs for each other. It sounded kind of weird to hear her say it but at one point she said that Paul feels more like a brother to her than a lover.

I guess part of what I’m also feeling is that I don't want to complain or ask for things and sound needy; that I need this or that from him or her to make me feel more comfortable. I'm out of order here in recapping this, but when Suzanna said that she would like it if I would join them a bit more when it's the 3 of us, that was when I had the thoughts that I wished she would actually say that more vocally when we're all together but then I suppose that's maybe it's a bit unrealistic expecting her to shift her attention and desire from Paul over to me just after he's finished with her.


It was very erotic to help her put a few things in an overnight bag. She took a few extra pair of panties, nothing terribly sexy, and told me that she liked to leave a pair or two spare at his place.

It was very sexy to see her this morning. It's become her normal routine for her to walk around naked both in our bedroom and, now that the kids are off, around the rest of the house. She admits she does it to tease me and I admitted to her that it works. Watching her get dressed also seemed new as it's been a while since she's spent a week-night with him and seeing her pack clothes for tomorrow was very erotic as she held this blouse and those pants against her in the mirror while I watched her decide what she'd wear for work tomorrow.

After she'd left I noticed that she had also left her rings behind. Is she sending me a message?


She just called me before she left work and wanted to be sure I was going to be okay and said again how it's been a long time (relatively speaking) since she'd spent the night away and she giggled and said she wanted to be sure I'd be okay 'later tonight' which is her way of asking if I'm going to enjoy jerking off later tonight.

It's raining here and that usually puts her in a very horny mood once she's settled in for the night. I've been hard all afternoon thinking of her at his place and how she'll be with him later. Saving my horniness for later tonight … though savouring it now.

It feels odd after the summer with a full house to now be home alone. I actually got undressed and followed Suzanna's example and walked around naked for a little while enjoying the freedom, enjoying a wicked hard on thinking about her enjoying her night with Paul. The thought of her sleeping naked next to him later tonight really has my cock dripping right now and it's moments like these that assure me that I am a cuck and I love it.


I can't hide from the feelings I've let out, that being the 'beta' for her are somehow very satisfying to me. She knows that and I can say with a good deal of confidence that that is still at play in her mind; that it makes her feel she can let go with Paul and experience all she wants to with him … if she wants to.

I think she might take on some of the alpha role because she may take the view that it would make it better for me. Perhaps she'll do so this weekend. However, I think if it does happen, it's going to be only when it needs to happen in her mind, not something that will be ongoing.

She texted me a while ago and said good night and that she loved me and that she hoped I was 'enjoying my evening'. I texted back that I was going to do so right before bed. (I didn't mention that I had been naked the whole evening thinking about her!) She sent back a smiley face and a heart.

So with it being 11:30pm now I'm quite sure they've had sex already and are likely perhaps still lying together post-fuck. I've peered in on them sometimes and it's very erotic to see them still connected and intertwined or to see them more explicit with his wet cock lying there and her wet pussy visible. It's really erotic to see her so relaxed and looking just so beautiful as he runs his hand over her breasts or caresses her shoulders; sometimes they'll kiss, but most of the time it's this sexy caress that just gets me so horny to see.

With that vision in mind and now that my cock is rock hard, it's time to say adieu and hopefully fall asleep after I jerk off once or twice. When I let my mind think about them and play back images that I've been witness to, it's so erotic to just close my eyes and re-live moments or scenes.


Going to bed after jerking off is the easy part. It's always the next morning that's tough, when I feel it most. The empty bed and quiet house gets to me so much more in the morning.

It's almost 8:30am so I'm quite sure she's likely already on her way to work and just the thought of her getting ready with him this morning after spending the night has me hard again.


She's not sure if she's seeing Paul this weekend. Between his golf-season coming to an end and, surprisingly, her comment about 'not overdoing it' led to her honestly saying that after she's spent the night with him, that she wants a break.

I know she followed this pattern last year, and I was thinking it was going to resume, but it makes me feel good knowing she wants some limits.


It seems even with the condoms 'penetration' that opportunities this year have been very few and far between. That long streak was broken on Saturday night when to my surprise, Suzanna said she wanted to be with me. I am sure it was because she wasn't seeing Paul that made the event as passionate as it was but, regardless, passion is passion and this time it was directed to me.

It was quite awesome. She enjoyed sucking my cock as I licked away at her pussy until after her cumming several times she said she was ready. Suffice to say that kneeling there between her spread legs, seeing her naked and waiting for me, that when she handed me the condom I just felt incredibly aroused and she even giggled at how my cock was so hard and how it bobbed up and down.

I have to say that one of the most erotic moments for me is putting the condom on. For me, feeling good doing that, feeling so turned on about it, knowing what I'm doing and what I'm giving her with Paul, then I do truly want to be the beta for her. I feel I shouldn't fight it and should just accept it and, yes, most certainly enjoy it.

I want to share in my journal that after having magnificent, intense sex, that she did experience one of those toe-curling orgasms that she's long now enjoyed with Paul!

I imagine she must have felt the same. She said that she can still feel me throb in her and can still feel the heat from my cum even if it is contained by the condom; she said that me having waited so long meant that I stayed pretty darn hard and, for me, it was a fun moment to feel her body tremble beneath me. Now that was quite enjoyable indeed and even she had a sheen of sweat over her body that made her look gorgeous.

The surprises continued on Sunday when, while we were making plans about this coming week, of how she wanted to see Paul one afternoon/evening, she told me he suggested that he would come here next weekend. Then she smiled, kissed me and asked me if he could spend the night?!

She put her hand to my thigh and felt my cock get hard. She didn't wait for my answer, she smiled, "I'll take that as a yes?"

I kissed her and she knew her answer was yes but the surprises was what came next. She slid up next to me and said she'd decided something that she thought would help me out. She giggled then said, "that the next time we'll (her and me) have sex is when I want you to do it with me just after Paul finishes!"

She said that she thought about what we'd talked about and she said that while she didn't feel like she could be the one to tell me when they're together, that this should give me incentive, "if not this coming weekend, then maybe the next .... YOU can decide when".

So, that's my ultimatum! It’s crazy but, my god, hearing her tell me that as we lay there after awesome sex together, it was just so crazy to hear.

I looked at her and asked if she meant it and she smiled and said if I wanted it. I was going to say something back but lying in bed after just having sex wasn't the time.

Thinking about it last night and today I am realizing that this was just as she said, her saying what SHE wanted, at least to me.


Last night, with us now having an empty-nest, Suzanna again didn't rush home after seeing Paul, instead she arrived home about 7:30pm. I normally look forward to her coming home from work as it is but when I know she's coming from his place, it seems to bring me even more happiness when she gets home. The look on her face and how she carries herself makes it obvious to me that she'd had some pretty intense passion. She smiled and kissed and hugged me. When I asked, "how was it?" she smiled even more and said, "wonderful".

We had a late dinner and after catching up on all of the day's news, things turned towards sex. She shared how nice it was being with Paul and told me how she felt good that we could talk like this, that it didn't have to feel awkward talking about her and Paul. I told her that I liked it too.

She shared some details with me and seemed to enjoy telling me how much she liked getting naked with him and feeling his hands (and more) on her. This kind of talk always makes me feel horny and she told me that if I wanted to masturbate, 'take care of yourself' as she puts it, that she would talk to me more.

I unzipped my pants and what started out with the intention of being just another Wednesday night, as she talked, the conversation became more intense and my stroking was replaced by us getting into a very revealing and very intense discussion. It sort of started when she asked me what I thought of her 'ultimatum'.

I told her what I'd said already, that I thought her asking me to do so was going to do more for my motivation. I told her that knowing she wanted me to do it would hopefully ease my anxieties.

She asked me if it was going to turn me on if I was going to get past my anxiety and actually do it and use a condom with her while Paul was still with us.

I told her that it did turn me on to think about it and hoped that it would be as good as I hoped when I was ready for it. She teased that, "You'll just have to wait until he's here next then if not this weekend then maybe next".

I wasn't sure if she was indicating that this was going to turn into a regular weekend event but it was right around then that I asked her how she felt about it, leading into it by saying that I thought I'd seen her enjoying things more lately.

She looked at me and said that I was right and that she had 'come to see things differently' over time, especially since being with Paul so much. She said that really enjoying sex with him had made her aware of what arouses her and turns her on and she admitted that she is increasingly enjoying me not cumming in her and how that makes her feel about me and around me. She said she didn't want to hurt me and that it doesn't mean anything and even put it back on me that maybe it's her own response to what turns me on. But as we talked, it seemed that we both came to the conclusion that it's the same thing as it's always been for us, that it's the both of us enjoying the same thing, just each from a different side. As we talked we both began to express some of the same thoughts and concerns.

I have to say it felt eerie that her concerns were similar to mine and I even wondered if she's been reading my journals or whatever, but it seemed genuine to me at the same time so, whatever, we'll just toss it up to serendipity. It was one of those times when talking was easy and I put it out there plainly to her, I told her that it worried me that she was maybe going to want me using condoms for longer than I'd want to at some point in the future or whatever.

When she understood what I'd said she immediately looked at me and said, "baby, if you ever need to have me bare, you just do it, I would never say no..... you are my husband and my first-love......" Then she repeated it over and over in different forms for the next few minutes ending by telling me that even if she loved it and never wanted me to cum in her again, "… if you need it baby, I will be here for you." Then hugged me and told me she loved me.

Well, the ice was broken with that and I told her that it was one of my biggest fears in all what we are doing, that we'll get to a point when I want to go back and that I feared she wouldn't want to … or be able to. I reminded her (in a friendly way) about what she'd said about, "always having a lover".

She was very apologetic at first about how callous that sounded and how one-sided it must have seemed to me and she added that, "it's always if you want it too baby" and she did say again that she loved that this all turned me on. We talked for a moment more as she told me how she loved seeing how happy and fulfilled I am.

I told her in return that I was seeing that in her too and that was some of what was concerning, that it concerned me when her own desires and pleasure with Paul were growing that at some point they'd become more truly hers and not just because they turn me on.

She held my hand and said that she didn't think there was any way to avoid that from happening and then asked me if that wasn't what I'd always said that I'd wanted. She then asked me if I was saying that I didn't want to be the beta-guy for her any more. It always sounds weird when she says it but I told her 'no' that right now I loved what we were doing but that sometimes it scared or concerned me a little thinking about the future.

She was honest and said that at times her own thoughts and desires scared her in the same way but she said that it's never something where she questions our future or our love together. She actually giggled and said that, "it's really just about the sex!"

She told me that sometimes she let her mind go too and that when she did admitted to seeing 'some crazy stuff'. I didn't ask her what she could 'see' but instead asked her what she thinks about that. She held my hands and said that she loved me more than anything and that would always be first for her. I thought of asking her more but when I could feel that she felt almost as concerned as I did thought, "why push it". The warmth and love I heard and felt made clear she was being honest with me, plus, it was getting late and I just couldn't see us going further into it last night.


As I said, it was almost eerie that we talked so much about of what I was concerned with was about was something she'd felt too. As we talked I think we both realized that it was our own possible desires that scared us each more than what the other may want. At first it was that each of us was concerned the other would possibly still want to carry the denial on longer than we did but the thing was, as we talked, I felt so amazed when I realized what I was really feeling was when I came out and said that it may be more the opposite that scares me more.

That it's the uncertainty that I feel, the uncertainty about wanting this more as time goes by and to what degree, where it will end and for how long. Suzanna almost seemed to have a tear in her eye when she said that she never thought of it that way but she too felt much the same question about how to feel about not knowing how far you want something to go into the future.

We didn't come to any answers, there aren't any, but it did make us both feel good to know we feel the same anxieties … just from opposite sides.

I don't want to make it sound like this was some big heavy conversation, it actually was sort relaxed while I lay there with an obvious tent in my boxers. As our conversation turned back towards sex she kept on telling me what I'd said to her in the past, that when the time comes, that we'll know what to do and it'll seem okay to us.

I told her that I try to focus on the present and enjoy things and she said that's what she is doing a lot of the time, trying not to think of long-term scenarios for her and Paul. She giggled and asked me again how I liked her telling me what she wanted me to do and I told her it made me horny when she did so. She giggled that, "I can see that .." and added "... slip off your boxers baby...". It felt very sexy lying there almost naked masturbating for her; it felt crazy sexy to slide them off and let her see just how hard I was.

She cooed in my ear how sexy I looked and then said "... come on baby, let me see you cum...."

Fuck, even now, writing about it has got me hard again!


I'm sure it will seem quite tame for me to recap some of the things she said, most were in the vein of, "...mmm baby you like it when I ...." and she would add in various things and then elaborate on them. Like describing how wet she feels after she'd ask me if I like Paul cumming inside her … or at another point her asking me if I like knowing how good his cock feels in her and then adding "... how it makes me cum....". Each time though I had to say it felt awesome hearing her say things that were her own doing and it was obvious she was enjoying it too.

When I was getting closer to cumming the question of my liking using condoms with her came up and it made me so horny to tell her openly and honestly that it turned me on like crazy. She smiled when I said that and she followed by whispering in the most sexy voice she could, "....good because I don't want your cum in me....".

She said it, fuck, she said it in a way that sounded so genuine and yet, at the same time, I knew was meant to turn me on. She groaned about, "how good it feels" and as she did, I don't know if it was what she was saying or just what was in my mind but a moment later I let out a moan and felt the cum gush out of me as if it had a mind of its own. It was so forceful that Suzanna even pulled back a bit as I grunted and it just squirted away. Sometimes it's multiple small spurts but last night, it was more like 2 or 3 huge spurts that even splashed noisily when they landed. I followed up by collapsing from the intensity.


It's clear that from time to time that we both need to touch base in this way to make sure we are not drifting too far apart either emotionally or physically. It's also clear, yet again, that Paul is fulfilling a function at the moment but has neither any influence or emotional connection with Suzanna or with me. This is probably why I find it so difficult to act submissively with Suzanna in his presence. I struggle sometimes to see that he warrants the same deference as Suzanna, yet he's fucking her bareback and I am not. Given he is so irrelevant in this way it may be better for me to make love to her with a condom by simply ignoring him and concentrating instead on my deep connection to Suzanna at the time. It would be even better if it is Suzanna that requests my attentions. That way it would keep the Alpha with her and at the same time puts him below me in the attention pecking order. He may see that while he can fuck her harder; better ; naked, he might also be made aware that our session contains more emotional connection between Suzanna and me than he gets too.

As to the dilemma of when I stop or break my bareback spell, there is a contradiction between an Alpha-Suzanna saying that she is getting increasingly excited by denying me her bare pussy and her saying she would stop whenever I ask her to. The physical bare connection is in this case (good as it might be) is probably less important than the emotional connection behind it.

In other words, if I were to demand a bare session and Suzanna agreed, it may well not give me what I expected. I might get the physical sensation but emotionally I would know that her heart might not be in it, that she was keeping something back in order to continue the dry spell afterwards. That's the dilemma here, Suzanna has to want it too; in her own right; for her own reasons, and not just because she knows or suspects I need it at that time.

To many people, the presence of the condom or not would not be an overriding issue in itself. Many people have to use them anyway and it doesn't affect their connection. With us two though it has significance simply because we have both put a special meaning to using the condoms. It represents a layer of both physical and emotional disconnection for us both. As such it is possible that Suzanna could continue that disconnection in her own mind whilst granting a bareback session with me. The physical effects would swamp out my perception of this at the time I'm sure, but I would need to be aware of it and make sure with Suzanna where her mind is before doing it.


She is out now getting a manicure/pedicure, something she always says makes her feel very sexy. Paul is golfing right now (annoying Suzanna a bit) but the plan is that he will be here after dinner. With it being a cooler evening forecast for tonight, Suzanna asked if we might light a fire in the fire-pit in the backyard and she asked me if I would be okay with her getting 'cozy with Paul by the fire'. She also reminded me that later tonight I will have my chance to, "...be with me and Paul..." To give me encouragement, just last night she opened the night-stand and said, "good, there's a condom or two in there for you for tomorrow" and she told me again last night how she thinks it would be really nice if I could manage to be with her!

I think she's being genuine with that desire for me, but she also added that she thinks it will turn me on immensely if I can actually do it. She giggled and said, "I feel so warm and wet afterwards.... that you should enjoy it too....”

I told her that adding pressure to it isn't making it easier. She held my hand and told me again how, "Paul already knows what you're doing...." which reinforced that it's all in my head.


Perhaps after he has fucked her I should go for cleaning her up and then fuck her wearing the condom without being shy or embarrassed! It would be great if she handed me the condom but somehow I don’t think it is going to happen. In some ways I do feel like I should just say 'fuck it' and let him truly see how horny I get but, at the same time, I don't know how I'm going to feel; whether I should focus on trying to give Suzanna yet another, more, orgasms or whether I should just focus on myself and enjoy it and let what happens, well, happen.

It's been a long time since Suzanna told me I could just use her pussy and that I should focus on just me getting off, not sure I want that feeling right now either as to me it doesn't seem very beta-ish and I’m not quite sure how I'll feel about it.

I’m quite sure I'm over-thinking this and should probably just go with whatever feels right when the time comes.


..and the time has come to put this completed book on the shelf with the other 105 (Wow)and to start a new one.