Journal of a Journey - Book #141

I know that it sounds like nothing has changed but there are definite changes that we have discussed and come to talk more openly about; we talked about the effects of continuing condoms together and, as I suggested, she slowly came to share that she likes how it feels to differentiate between sex with me and sex with Paul and to have them feel differently to her.

I eased her mind at talking more to me when I apologized for what I know I'd put her through and for how insensitive I must have seemed to her feelings. I also told her that I knew things had changed for us and that we should talk about that.

She admitted that she feels closer emotionally to Paul than she had wanted to, and I told her I accepted responsibility for that. She in turn told me that it is going to take some time for that to change and, if it changes, she's made it clear that she's not sure she can ‘un-feel’ for Paul.

It led to her also admitting that, yes, it turns her on to deny me now and that just as I am aroused by being denied, she now admits that since truly learning to enjoy Paul, that she enjoys seeing my desires rising when she tells me that I won't have sex with her. It was her that asked me if we could bring this more out into the open between us and whether I would enjoy that; for her to be more open and pointed about my being denied and that sort of thing. Before I told her yes, she said that it would help her by feeling she could share more of her time having fun with Paul rather than beating around the bush about things.

So, the way we have left it is that for now, she hopes to see him still 1 or 2 times a week but not stay overnight (or have him stay over) … at least not again for another week or two as she wants to see how things can change regarding her and I. She says that when she comes home afterwards, that she still doesn't want to feel like she HAS to have sex with me, but that when she does, and she hopes it'll be more frequent now that we are clearer with each other, that it'll be something she feels good about and wants to share with me. She said that over time, she is sure that her desire for me will return and that until then, knowing she's teasing and turning me on will get her in the mood when she is ‘borderline’.


In bed last night we were both feeling amorous and she giggled and asked me if I wanted a shot at seducing her. I smiled and said I'd love to have the opportunity. She played the innocent damsel, and I tried different pickup lines with her which she tweaked me by responding, "oh dear, I'm not sure if my boyfriend would like me doing that".

We kissed and she teased me as I felt her breasts that she'll ‘just have to not tell her boyfriend’ about this. As I slid my hand beneath her panties, she hissed that, "we have to be safe if I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend".

She was all smiles as I took my usual position between her legs, and she watched eagerly as I rolled the condom on. Again, as now is the case, damn if my cock didn't seem to get even harder as I felt the rubber. She spread her legs for me and teased me that she hoped she was wet enough (which she was!).

It was when I was in her that she started teasing with something new, "mmmm, good you have a condom on .... only my boyfriend goes bare with me ....." and proceeded to moan similar comments periodically. We soon got into a back-and-forth when I replied that, "I'll leave you clean for him" which she knew and felt was accompanied by my cock throbbing as I filled the condom.

She didn't fake it when she orgasmed, there was no way to fake how wet and open her pussy became suddenly when she let out that deep moan and her eyes fluttered back in her head.

We both lay together and caught our breaths before I felt her hand reach between us once again and for her to take hold of my cock to ensure that the condom stayed in place as I slowly withdrew.


There is a definite emergence of a bit of a redefinition of things that are working for us, or to put it another way, we are coming to our new equilibrium. Her challenge that she's now been very clear about is that she needs to figure out how to put things together in terms of both keeping things hot and fulfilling sexually between us and yet return to more sexual interaction between us. No doubt a result of my admission that the extreme beta direction we were going in wasn't working but that I wasn’t abandoning all my beta desires.

Quite the opposite, I still have some definite desires and I have actually told her they are needs at this point as I truly feel that I need some level of beta-ness to feel the type of satisfaction I feel now with her sexually. What I pulled back from, in terms of physical aspects, is that we are not continuing down the ever-expanding denial direction that we were going in.

Not that it wasn't pleasurable, it was for a period and, yes, it was for me very pleasurable to agree and be somewhat forced into being fully denied. The feeling of letting go of her sexually was amazingly intense and strangely fulfilling but as I know now, that isn't feasible as an ongoing state. That is where I said I wanted to pull back from the ‘beta-ness’ I'd pushed for; that I need to fuck her, maybe once every 2 weeks seems to be what I need.

She has admitted that she enjoys this frequency too (for now) and as we've talked, she now admits that she too would like to enjoy sex with me more often. Whether it's what she truly feels deep inside as I do, there is no doubting her eagerness and response with me when we are now having sex again.


Yes, we are having sex again, perhaps not as frequently as we should, but enough to have restored a bit of equilibrium.

What has changed is the acceptance and understanding of what we both want. She makes no secret that she wants to have and enjoy sex with Paul. We have however, agreed that overnight stays will be less frequent.

Other changes, and is still evolving, is her understanding of how to incorporate what she is doing with Paul with our newly emerging routine. I have admitted to her that I love knowing, hearing, and seeing her fun with Paul and that if we are going to look to every 2 weeks for us to have sex, then I told her it makes me feel wonderful and far more at ease to enjoy masturbating in the in-between time.

She told me it was almost exactly what she hoped I would tell her as she wanted to also understand more of what would work best for us. She has also told me that she has shared a bit more of this with Paul and she teased that, "maybe he'll cum more those times …" which as I said, is part of the change that she is working out; how to tease me and bring more arousal to me with the goal of us having more intense sex when we do have it together.

She has also clearly stated that we are in absolute agreement about condoms. She was surprised when I told her that I wanted, even needed to use them with her which led her to admit to me that she feels incredibly sexy with the knowledge that only her boyfriend is cumming in her but before we jump to conclusions, we both have been clear that ‘a few times’ of me cumming in her is also something we both want. We agreed that perhaps those should be on special-times or vacations or other events.


She says she truly feels so in touch with me and able to talk with me. I told her again that I need to feel her deny me something and that for now, using condoms gives me that. We talked very clearly about what this means, and I admitted to her that I wanted this. Whether it's what she wanted all along or that her own desires have changed over time to work with mine, she says she also felt relief that I wanted this because she too feels it from her side of the coin; that she has never felt this type of continual ongoing sexual awareness and arousal ever (something she feels even more remarkable to have happened at 55 years old).


Before I put down the pen, I'll just share the plans for the weekend are for her to see him on Saturday evening (after his golf game) and then to have sex with me on Sunday, or perhaps Saturday night, if she's in the mood. But if not, then Sunday for sure.

This is the bigger change between us, that she is wanting this. So, perhaps our new equilibrium is with her being far more open with me along the way and on Sunday too.


We are snowed in today here and both of us are working from home. The weather hasn’t got in the way though and things seem to be going well as she did see Paul on Saturday and we've reached a bit of an agreement regarding that.

We had talked before she went to see Paul on Saturday and I told her that I wanted her to feel more comfortable teasing me more openly, just as long as we were going to be having sex together and she understood what I was saying,


Sunday and we woke up a bit later than usual and she knew I was still quite horny. Even before we got out of bed, she was in quite the teasing mode including at one point reaching into my boxers and holding my balls and asking me, "are these full and in need of emptying baby..." and teasing me about whether I was horny from her having ‘been with my lover’ and ‘having him take me’. Such questions had my morning hard-on at full mast in no time.

The more we talked, the more she is starting to really get into making this good for both of us even with the change/reversal I asked for. I was able to convey to her that her ramping up the teasing almost as part of foreplay (even the day or so before) was something I wanted. At the same time I made certain she isn't feeling pressured to automatically have sex with me every other week.

She smiled and agreed if she can understand how and when to tweak me that she thinks she can have fun with it too. This past Sunday seemed to hopefully go in that direction as she surely enjoyed herself.

She teased me about whether I wanted to go ‘down there’ as she was after sleeping all night and, "you know, baby, his stuff is probably all over me …" or whether she should go off to the bathroom and " … clean up a bit" first. Before I could answer she took my hand and put it under her night shirt and she let me feel her pussy and she whispered, "I think I’m still wet inside" as I pushed my middle finger into her. She giggled at first as my eyes opened wide and then laughed out loud when I ducked under the covers right then and there.

I hadn't even started licking her yet when she pulled the covers down and said, "I want to watch you" and she slid down in the bed and arched her back to make it easier for me then as I started to lick her she asked as if it were nothing, "can you still taste him in me?"

I groaned back a loud, ‘Mmmm’.

She pulled her knees back a little for me and said, "just a little bit now baby" and she let me lick her for a few more minutes until I swore I felt her pussy start to respond and spasm a bit. I was ready to really dig in, but she put her hand on my head and pushed me back and said, "that's all for now......." then added ".... we have all day....."

She giggled more and as she caressed the now large lump in my boxers said, "Aw, he's going to be hard all day." With that, she got up, pulled her night-shirt down and went off into the bathroom.

I was still in bed when she came out and said, "OK, your turn; bathroom’s free" and then she went off to the kitchen leaving me there stroking my hard-on.

She continued to tease me until just after lunch when she poured us a glass of wine each and it was clear she was finally ready. She teased me when she kissed me and said, "soooo baby.... think you're ready for some fun?" When I eagerly nodded, she smiled and said we should go up to the bedroom.

When I walked into our bed room, she had already pulled off her pants, leaving on just a t-shirt (she almost never wears a bra) and her panties. I pulled off my clothes down to my boxers and she giggled and said, "you show me yours and I'll show you mine". I slid off my boxers and she smiled and continued to giggle and said, "oooh, someone is glad to see me" (referring to my cock) at which point she pulled off her t-shirt and then she lay back and lifted her butt and slid off her panties.

I don't think I will ever tire of seeing her lying naked before me, her bare mound, and the darkened reddened interior of her pussy where her lips separated a reminder that Paul had used her the night before.

She patted the bed next to her and I lay down while she still teased me when she said that she was ‘still a little sore’ and then giggled. We kissed quite passionately and for a while it was truly almost ‘normal’ as our hands and fingers roamed over, and into, each other. She let me finger her quite deeply and she took the opportunity to tease me and ask, "is it still wet inside?"

When I groaned back ‘it feels wet and very warm’ she cooed in my ear that, "you should enjoy it then....".

She reached down and held my stiff cock, and I told her that I wanted to be sure that we were okay if we continued to use condoms together. She was very supportive and very emotionally in touch with me when she held me and asked me if it mattered so much to me.

I told her no, that it was as it has been, that it makes me feel somehow satisfied and even ‘complete’ now when I use them with her. She told me that even though it prevents us from ‘sharing some things’ she made it clear that it is also something she knows means a lot to me and as she said, "it's not what we don't have together, it's what we do share together".

We talked about lots of stuff and one thing I shared with her was something she said made her realize how this feels to me. I told her that I was still particularly aroused and turned on and all that when I think about Paul ejaculating in her. She knew from me saying it like that (not about him ‘cumming’ in her) was what made me feel so aroused and amazed in some ways at thinking about knowing he is in her when he does orgasm, that he shares that intimacy with her and not me.

She seemed particularly interested in how deep seated that arousal is and I felt she really understood it when she said, "it's always turned you on that I was with other guys like that ... you know... bare all the time."

I told her that I didn't fully understand it all; just that knowing he's in her when he cums is something that just does it for me.

She repeated a lot of that back to me when we were in bed. As I touched and put my fingers in her again she teased and turned me on like crazy asking me things like, "do you like knowing Pauls cock was where your fingers are now baby?" and, as I went down to lick her, she teased me even more and told me again how, ".... thick his cum is baby...."; that there might be some left in her.

Needless to say, it was intense and I felt like a teenager again with my cock bobbing away as we touched and felt each other. At one point she asked,"... so baby, do you want to put ‘that’ in me bare?...." and then added ".... maybe just a little though..." and I looked down and saw that she had spread her pussy wide open for me. At that moment I could see inside her wet folds and I so wanted to just push into her but, at the same time, knowing I felt this merely emphasised and convinced me that I do truly want to be doing what we're doing. I just looked at her and said, "maybe next time" and she watched with her eyes open wide as I tore open the foil pouch and with my cock not fading at all (if anything, even harder and throbbing even more) I pulled the condom on. As I rolled it down I must have let out a moan or a smile because when I looked up at her she had a huge smile; as I leaned downward she raised and wrapped her legs around behind me and said, "...come and get it!".

Of course, she teased me the entire time I was fucking her but she came and, wow, did she cum. Her own teasing as well as my thrusting brought her to several orgasms where she thrashed her head back and forth and I could totally feel her pussy get slick and open inside. She looked up at me and said several times that, "....oh god.... you feel HUGE in me!".

One last time and she couldn't get the words out as she slipped into one more orgasm. Seeing her eyes close and feeling her spasm that last time was all I needed and a moment later I came myself with an intensity such that I could barely hold myself up above her. She wrapped her legs more tightly around behind me and held me deep for a few more moments before I felt her relax her hold on me.

I was still breathing deep when she whispered, "let me get my hand in between us …" and as she slid it towards my cock and held it, added, "I don't want to make a mess."

I raised up and slid off of her and her hand guided my now softened cock out of her and I lay back on the bed. She was moaning softly as she fiddled with my cock and it was a second later when she said out loud, "holy.... wow...." When I raised my head up off the pillow she was holding up the condom and looking at me and she said, "wow, you must have needed that ... there's SOOOO much cum...." and she began playing with it between her fingers, squeezing it, before tipping it over my face so that it dribbled into my mouth. She laughed when I licked my lips.


There seems to be a new sense of fun with Suzanna and that I think she's more at ease with us easing back from the more extreme. That plus our new ‘schedule’ of every other week is also helping her get into things with me more, something she mentioned last night several times.

Last night and our ‘Wednesday night routine’ continued but with a definite uptick of ‘fun’ from her. It started with her getting undressed down to just her panties before she got into bed with me and then helping me slide off my boxers. She immediately started to tease me about, "having to wait a while now to get into my panties again" and she giggled about it. It felt good to talk about it more openly and I enjoyed replying that, "I’ll surely want you by then".

She wasn't shy telling me about, "how his thick cum feels inside me" and other things as I played with her pantie-covered pussy. We went back and forth for a while including her pulling my hand away and telling me, “Not too soon baby" and encouraging me to edge a little more before letting myself go. She did that three times to me before she seemed to let loose with a tirade of lewd and sexy comments culminating with her gushing at how she, "loves to cum with him" and it was how she said it that pushed me over. Almost without any warning, her teasing resulted in me being overwhelmed and suddenly cum gushed out of me as I moaned out an ‘Oh God!’

That surprised me and brought out a squeal of delight from her. She watched me stroke out the last spurts and then with the angelic smile on her face she leaned up on her elbow a bit more and she reached down and pulled the last cum out of me and onto her fingers.

She leaned over and gave me a massive kiss and before she pulled back, she sneaked her fingers with my cum into our mouths which made her moan. After which she sat up onto her knees and I noticed that she'd managed to take her panties off. She smiled and said, "I enjoyed watching you" and she giggled and put her fingers into her pussy and then showed me how wet they were before she offered them to me to lick and taste. I sat up onto my elbows and she leaned forward and said, "want the rest?"

I nodded, she smiled and said, "let me help you" and proceeded to scoop up my cum and bring it to my mouth. As I licked it off and sucked her fingers each time she said softly, "you cum a lot more in the condoms honey". Just like that, God, it made me so horny … but my cock was drained by then!


Lying in bed afterwards last night she told me that she liked ‘how it felt’ between us and that the ‘new schedule’ is something she thinks she can really get into.

I asked what she meant, and we agreed that maybe she could maybe spend a night with Paul. As we talked more, it seemed it might be easier to do that during the week. It was me that told her that every other week would probably work better for me, and she agreed, even saying that maybe seeing him 3 times in 2 weeks might work better for ‘us’, referring to her and me for a change!

She did ask if she could still go away sometimes with him on a golf-trip or maybe someplace else. I told her that I thought it would be okay and said, " … as long as we stick to our schedule too." I told her that I thought it might be even more important to me at those times.

She leaned over and kissed me and said she understood.


With the crappy weather on Saturday, she decided not to drive up to his place but was kind of down that she wasn't going to see him. As she'd admitted, she was feeling horny. I joked with her that she should call him for I was quite sure that he would offer to come over to our house. Her first reaction was ‘no way’ but I laughed and said that ".... he would be coming to fuck you so I'm sure he'll decide the weathers not a problem..."

Sure enough, when he called Saturday morning, he offered to do just that. She held the phone away while she asked me a devilish smile on her face, if afternoon or evening was better for me. I told her ‘Afternoon’ and she giggled and let me hear her answer him.

When she hung up, I asked what made her laugh and she said that Paul had asked her if she'd really asked me when he should come over and smiled and said that she liked being more open about it with me.

The Openness continued when he got here, even with the crappy, slushy weather he showed up about 3pm. She had taken a shower not more than 30 minutes before he got here, and she smiled and showed me that she knew when he'd be here because of Waze, the GPS App on their phones. She told me that he knows when she'll be at his place in the same way. I had to laugh at a new use for Waze for cuckolds , to know when their wives’ lovers would be arriving!

While we waited for him to arrive, we continued talking as she got dressed for him. I lay on the bed and she turned to me, standing naked in front of her dresser, and asked if I was, "going to be okay ...you know.... not having me till next weekend...."

She turned back to continue picking out what she was going to wear, continued and said, quite casually, "... because.... you know, I think I want to be alone with him today …" as if it were nothing more than talking about the weather. Before I could answer she turned to me holding a pair of pink panties with a little bow above the middle and decorative stitching around the legs against her hips and said, "I haven't worn these in a long time do you like them?".

I was struck for a moment as I looked at her and all of what she'd said was sinking in and I said, "yeah... yeah.... they're cute". Then it was incredibly erotic to hear her say, " … or are these nicer?" again as if it were nothing at all, she stood there naked, as if she was just talking with a girlfriend. I looked at her and could see that she was quite bare, that she had obviously touched up in the shower, then watched her pick up a pair of lacy yellow panties that I've long seen on her.

She turned herself to the mirror letting me see both her reflection and also her butt and just the lowest edge of her pussy lips. I saw her look at me before she turned back, and I swear her nipples were quite hard now.

"Which ones?" she asked as she stood facing me, and pulled the yellow ones away and held the pink ones instead over her pussy. I immediately realized she was playing with me and now that she'd already confirmed that she didn't have to worry about having sex with me - that she was really enjoying this.

I called her out, "you are enjoying this aren't you?"

She again gave that devilish smile, then laughed and said, "yes, quite a bit" and she leaned over to kiss me and whispered, "I love you" and then turned, pushed her butt towards me for a second and then spun back and said, "come on, yellow or pink?"

I smiled at her, let her see me adjust my cock and then said, "Give him Pink for a change".

She smiled and, still naked, put the yellow panties back in the drawer and then turned back towards me. She saw me look up at her face and then followed my gaze back down over her body. I knew she was putting on an act, and she deliberately waited and then slowly she raised one leg and pulled her panty up and then did the same with the other., slow enough that made sure I had an eyeful. Then she repeated the slowness with pulling on the matching bra which I'd forgotten had a bit of a push-up effect giving more emphasis to her cleavage.

She teased me as she pulled on her jeans again that she was horny and let me see her adjusting her panties a bit. When she had them on, she sat next to me on the bed and I told her she looked amazing with just her bra on. I also commented that I thought she'd lost a little weight which made her smile tremendously!

She pushed me back against the bed and lay against me and we kissed for a little while and when she pulled back she told me she loved me and loved that, "we can have fun like this". She reached down and felt my hard cock and commented that, "... you can take care of this later..." Smiling, she added, ".... like I know I can enjoy Paul a lot later...".

As she went to sit up to go and finish getting dressed she leaned over once more and dangled her newfound cleavage in front of me and said, ".... you going to be okay later if ... you know ... you aren't here with us?".

Before I could answer she kissed me and said, "I need him ... and, it'd just be nicer... you know....". I didn't say anything, but I nodded yes, and she smiled and kissed my forehead.

I left her alone after that to finish dressing and do whatever. While I waited for her to come downstairs, I decided that I would give them the house alone and that I'd go over to Home Depot (which was quite busy despite the weather) and come back likely while he was still there. She blushed when I told her of my plan and told me she loved me and gave me a hug as I left the house.

The house was dark when I got home but his SUV was still in our driveway and just the bedroom light was dimly lit. I came in quietly and stood by the front door and listened for any sounds. Sure enough, once my ears had tuned in, I could hear the sounds of ‘motion’ upstairs, not a banging against the wall, but definite sounds of movement. I walked to the foot of the stairs, and I could hear soft sounds now more clearly which seemed to be mostly coming from her.

Rather than make a commotion, I went down to our basement and kept myself busy for a while. I couldn't hear them clearly but was definitely aware when one (or both) of them must have cum. That was loud enough to be heard in the basement! I stayed where I was and heard bathroom sounds, water running/toilet flushing and then it went quiet for maybe 15 minutes and I started to think maybe they'd decided to take a nap or something like that.. I was just about to head upstairs when I heard voices more clearly and footsteps. Next, I heard the front door open, a pause then the door close again. Before I could do anything, the basement door opened and her voice called down to me, "he's gone if that's what you're waiting for".

She had a bathrobe on when I came upstairs and found her in the kitchen. She turned and hugged me and after a moment, kissed me but it wasn't sexual at all. I could feel her hugging me tightly wanting reassurance that I eagerly gave back to her. She relaxed a moment later and looked up and asked me, "are you turned right now?"

I nodded yes; she asked me, "do you need anything from me?"

I was confused and asked her what she meant. She looked at me and said she wanted this to be good for me and that she figured I would be horny right now and that if I needed to have her or needed to be sexual with her, that she wanted to know.

I told her that I knew she wasn't to be mine and that I would take care of myself when I needed to. She hugged me and I whispered in her ear, "the fact that you are probably all wet from him has me so horny".

She looked at me with her eyes open wide not sure what I was saying until I just said calmly, "I'll just have to wait till next week, won't I?". Her eyes widened even more and it took her a second before she hugged me back even more tightly.


What she's shared with me since is that this is more and just what she had wanted in terms of sex and inter-play between us. As I said, and can now see and feel more tangibly, she did not want to go to the extremes that I had asked her to with me and now I understand that this is more of what she has wanted. As she put it, to be able to tease me about it a lot more.

Now she admits that too, seeing how I am when I know that I'll be having her. She admits to enjoying that immensely, including her teasing me yesterday to the point when I told her I needed to jerk-off, and she smiled and offered to, "let you see me if you want to." When I nodded yes she seemed almost eager to strip off her pants and panties and, " …. let you see where Paul gets to cum ....".

She watched openly as I got undressed and smiled when she saw how hard I was. She asked me why I hadn't jerked off while she was with Paul the day before and I told her that I'd wanted to make it feel better and had hoped that maybe later we'd have some fun, as it turned out we were.

She asked me to tell me how I felt and I told her honestly how horny it made me to not only have heard a little from Saturday but to now be seeing her like she was. She told me she loved how hard and big my cock looked and, " … how you already know you just have to wait for me".

I told her what I'd long been saying but at the moment it felt intensely arousing to tell her that I loved seeing her pussy and knowing she was probably still wet from him. She let me watch as she slid a finger deep into her pussy and then brought out and offered it to me and said, "you tell me".

It was so erotic to lick her finger and to taste the definite tang of his cum. (It almost seemed as if I was licking his cock!) She smiled as I nodded and said, “yes”.

I told her how knowing I was going to wait to have her was really turning me on. She smiled and let out a soft moan when I told her that when she saw him again later this week it was going to make me want her even more.

She taunted me about, "feeling him when he cums...." and, ".... how warm...." it makes her feel.

It honestly felt good when I was able to say that, “… I hope he fills you up with his cum,“ just a few moments before we both knew I was about to cum. She moved over and at the last minute reached out and held my balls just as I started to ejaculate and she moaned how she loved to feel them when, “ .. you, or Paul, starts to cum!”


I wonder about Paul’s expectations regarding having things going too far. Suzanna says she's been very honest with him including, as I'd earlier discussed, him being aware of her intentional escalation early last month. As she said, "sure he liked all the sex .." but in the end, she said that even he admitted that perhaps ‘less is more’.

I asked her what that meant and she merely answered that, like she and I, they too are finding their way and indicated to me that Paul continues to not view her as ‘mate material’. She says that they've talked about it and that he still says that she has spoiled him for other women, but that he has asked her about how she would feel if he started seeing other women at times.

Granted this was after our redirection, so perhaps it is his response to it. She looked at me and told me that the only thing she asked of him was that he keep her safe healthwise.

I am not prying further into this because it seems she's handled it herself so far.


I filled my second condom with her this past weekend and I have to honestly say that it was probably the best and most intense sex I've had with her in a long time. The more open teasing and arousal between us during foreplay and while we're fucking is intense; when we can both get into it including her continuing to openly tease me about how wet her pussy is and how Paul gets to cum in her and, "you don't baby." Just hearing her say that and knowing how she intends it to turn me on is amazing.

She again held the condom up afterwards and implored me to look at it and, I do have to say myself, there is a LOT of cum in there. Of course she never misses the occasion to rub it in how it's too bad ‘all that cum’ from me wasn't in her.

If I'd have to say that there's one thing that's come out of this that is quite amazing is just how relaxed and more open and fun we can be about this now, as she says, "it's our thing that we do together".

I confessed that it was probably one of the most intense orgasms I'd felt with her in a long long time. She cooed about how it turned her on to know she'd done that for me and then, of course, added as she played with the condom that she, "didn't want 'all that' in me".


Winter isn't over yet and we are contemplating a trip away, just the two of us, either this weekend or next to get one last bit of skiing in before the warm weather takes over for good.

The two of them will still likely still have time away together as I am sure she will want to accompany him on a golf-weekend if she can. No surprise if I say that a part of me still wants her to do so. Even now with our somewhat resumed sexual interaction, I still thoroughly enjoy knowing how she shares herself with him and I do want her to have him come and stay over our house at least a few more times in the next months before one or both of our kids return home for the summer.


Work in the IT industry is and always will be a perpetual challenge so this is nothing new in that sense, but it is mentally consuming to the point that it does dampen any sexual ardour I may have. On the positive side, we are very close, if not there already, to being financially comfortable that we could entertain retirement even at this age so while other folks might have fear and trepidation, we look at it with curious interest.


She is out with him tonight and I don't expect her home for another few hours.

Last night we talked a lot and I masturbated with her; yes, with her. She admitted she was horny for him and told me that, "I'll play a little while I watch you". I didn't hear her really climax hard but I did hear her moan softly when I started to cum. It was really nice, although it feels strange to say it, but perhaps it's even easier to talk as I loved feeling comfortable enough to tell her that I couldn't wait to jerk-off with her watching me.

She teased me about how he was going to fuck her and I told her honestly that I liked knowing that. It just felt really nice to tell her that. We talked about how we were both feeling and I told her that I had loved having sex with her and making love with her as we did. She smiled when I told her that I felt it was one of the most satisfying times too. I think she too feels more comfortable now too knowing and feeling more secure and comfortable in how we are together.

I was hard already and she had slid off her panties as she told me how it turned her on to see how much cum I had shot into the condom. It sounds weird to say that this was a very close moment for us as she had the most beautiful look on her face as I told her that what we were doing, "felt good to me".

I can't recall our exact conversation, but it included her telling me several times on how much it turned her on, "… now that you don't cum in me anymore." In turn (and, my god, was my cock hard and dripping away) I told her how erotic it was to me that, “... only your lover will leave his cum in you".

I don't know if I'm conveying how erotic it was to be talking like this with her but it was amazing to me to feel so comfortable about it. Her fingers were between her legs by this point and as I said, when I finally did cum I am sure she did too.

Afterwards we talked about her seeing him tonight and she repeated how horny she was for him and joked with me that maybe I'd gotten her started-up on Sunday. She told me so many times that she loved me and that I needn't worry or be concerned about her. When I asked, she confirmed and took some time to explain to me that she feels better about how things are with Paul and that she can ‘put things in their proper place’.

I asked her what that meant and she explained as she got ready for bed that she just felt better about how she felt about Paul since we changed things back. When she got in bed I hugged her and we kissed and I told her that I was turned on thinking about her enjoying him tonight. She turned back towards me, kissed me back and reached down and felt my cock was getting hard again and asked me if I needed to jerk-off again. She added that she loved that I was hard again thinking about her, and I told her honestly that I was going to wait till Thursday night (tonight) so I can enjoy myself while she's with him.

She kissed me again and told me that she loved hearing me tell her that.

Unfortunately I had to leave before her this morning so I didn't get a chance to see what she picked out to wear.


She did not see him this weekend as she'd hoped as he called her on Friday and said that he was invited on a golf-weekend with the weather having cleared for Saturday and today was beautiful.

It isn't my week for sex with her and she was quite open with me earlier when she told me, "ignore what you hear later" and that she planned on using, “several of my toys" and giggled that, "… after I'm done with ‘Jim’ you can come to bed!”

She hasn't teased me about ‘Jim’ her favourite dildo in a long time. I laughed and told her I hoped he was as good as she remembered and she giggled and said, "it hasn't been that long honey....".

So hot to hear that she still masturbates with her toys when I'm not around or maybe even when I'm asleep next to her.


We’ve talked about me cleaning her and ‘Jim’ after her toy sessions and she continues to tell me that if what we're doing turns me on that I shouldn't think twice about it and that we should both just enjoy it and not over-think things.

I agreed with her that once every other week is possibly a bit less frequent than I would probably like but at the same time I can so feel the need and desire building already for next weekend that it is an incredibly fulfilling sensation.

She's very content right now agreeing that if using condoms with her is what I need to put the cuckold, denial edge on sex with her, then so be it. Of course, as she giggles and reminds me, it affects me more than it does her!

We have talked about it and she seems to totally understand that I need to feel that there is something that she gives to Paul and withholds from me; that for me it needs to be something intimate. As she's said repeatedly, my arousal and satisfaction is part of what drives and pushes her to fulfil my desire and pretend, or to truly feel, that she doesn't want me to cum in her either.

It scares me to say that but at the same time I know how I am feeling and I know how she is feeling. The thought that perhaps we will always use condoms from here out is intense to think about. That we have now settled in on using them for the foreseeable future (special occasions excepted!) is something I feel quite strongly about. I would even say almost more strongly about now that we have settled in that this is where the edge will be for us.


It was beautiful to see her last night as she got herself started. Her fingers glistening with both lube and her own wetness were just gorgeous. She got herself to a few smaller orgasms before she let me watch her with Jim but she asked me to leave her alone while she finished herself off.

I know she likely used her other, smaller toy, in her ass, she has told me that she plays with herself like that, but that she's reluctant to let me watch when she's really into it and really horny so I just have to enjoy the memories I have in my mind of her from long ago of her masturbating with her earlier favourite toys.


Yesterday was interesting, not because of last night but earlier.

After dinner last night I told Suzanna I was going over to the drugstore as we needed a few things.

She very nonchalantly said, "You should pick up some more condoms" I didn't say anything in return, just thoughts to myself at how comfortable this all feels now.

Standing in the aisle at CVS I did take a little time to look at the other selections but as I picked up the Trojan ultra-thins and put them into the basket I was carrying I got a huge hard-on. I told Suzanna about it later last night and she giggled and told me again how nice it feels between us to have found a good place and she teased that, "… you can start getting horny for me tonight while I’m over at Paul’s.” and she asked if I would like to jerk off thinking about them.

While I was masturbating with her watching, she asked me if she could spend the night there sometime and said casually that she thought a mid-week night would be better than a weekend night.

I groaned back that I thought it would be okay but maybe not with it being a regular thing.


It's actually quite interesting to feel a change in dynamics between us now. She is much more open about ‘our thing’ in terms of teasing me about it but making it part of what seems to be becoming our new norm. I was chatting earlier online with one of my ‘pen-pals’ and it's become easier for me to express my feelings and apparent needs now and the more open it feels between us, and to tell the more arousing/intense it has become.

That's what I meant by how it felt with buying more condoms last night. All I know is even after cumming all over myself last night that tonight, knowing she's with him right now, that I'll be having my time with her again this Sunday. I feel like I'm in nirvana.

I know that part of it is that she knows it turns me on. It's also been a thing of her’s for a long time that she's enjoyed it when I haven't cum in her but my thinking is that if things ended with Paul that she'd reconsider.

While I've wanted to pull back from the extreme, I have not lost the beta desires. Far from it, I've actually sort of felt them sharpen around the condom usage between us and I know she understands that too. Not sure if that explains it any better.


So far, she is keeping her word regarding sex with me and enjoying it! This past Sunday was no exception and was amplified by her not seeing Paul either.

We have continued to talk about how we both seem to be more at ease with this less frequent but planned schedule for sex between us. I told her that it was working for me very well and she giggled that she could tell! She admitted to me that since my pullback from the extreme denial desires, that she's found it helpful to let herself focus on enjoying me every other week and has found it interesting in sharing with Paul too about how it seems to work for us both.

Paul is still surprised at our continued use of condoms but, like Suzanna, he seems to say that it's nothing too weird if it's what we both want and what turns us both on.

I did ask about the overnight and she reminded me that she'd always said she wanted to have that with him and she admitted that she does truly like ‘making-love’ with him and enjoying the time afterwards and ‘feeling like his’. She asked me if that still turned me on which was a rhetorical question because she knew my answer was yes.

We talked and she reassured me that now that we are back to enjoying each other, that her time with him seemed to return to being more physical at least in terms of how she feels about it. She eventually said that cumming with me again (or as she said ‘truly cumming’) had taken some of the emotional edge (my words) off of what she was feeling with Paul. Then she teased me mercilessly about ‘getting that condom on and finding out’ what she was feeling with him.


I shared some of these conversations in a chatroom with a sympathetic person named Roni (who initially I thought was a guy but subsequently found out ‘her’ name was Veronica). The topic of conversation was how she felt about sex with a man with and without a condom. At first she admitted that it was very erotic to go bare with a man and to let him cum inside her. She admitted to it being far more of a mental thing to her in accepting and wanting his cum in her than it was from a pleasure or a sexual fulfilment aspect.

I mentioned that my wife (I didn’t tell her a name) will often experience more intense climaxes with Paul after he cums in her, something she doesn't share with me because of condoms.

She said that to her, it is nice and enjoyable, and she too admitted to ‘feeling more’ but she said that it was mainly physical and not anything else to her. In the ensuing discussion she said to me that for a woman it is more the act of spreading her legs and allowing another man into her than whether he is bare or not.

As we chatted for just a few more minutes, I asked her if she thought it was mainly a guy thing about how I (we?) feel about that as a big part about sex and Roni said that she understands that it is significant for a guy but that the intensity of the jealousy or other feelings about it (at least she thinks) are misplaced and that it's not the end when he cums in her that is significant. Rather, that it is the beginning when she accepts that she wants him.

She recognised that my arousal at giving that up is significant for me and she said much of what Suzanna has said, that she thinks it’s beautiful that I would give that up and that it's very sexy too, but much of that she said, is in my head. Which sort of aligns with what Suzanna has said that there's nothing weird about it, etc.

It was a rare opportunity for me to get another female perspective. It was nice to hear that she found it sexy and would find it equally arousing if her own husband wanted to do that with her.

It made me feel good about things if nothing else.


Also, good that I’ve filled yet another book.