Journal of a Journey - Book #138

I am still feeling all sorts of things since I've been back. I don't think I look at her or feel any differently about her, I still love her, but I have this deep sense of arousal that I began to feel when I was away, from her. I've told her that I loved that she shared herself so fully with him and she admitted that it was a bit of a taste of what she'd thought she'd wanted earlier when she'd spoken of wanting a 'big affair' and that living with her lover for some time was a big part of that. When we talked about it more though, she said that this was in some ways too much and too early for both of them but more for her, and she admitted she should have gone home after Wednesday night not gone back Thursday night. She admitted that it had become too much by that point and that while the sex was 'amazing' (her words), by Thursday after work when she was going to his place she felt sort of obligated to finish the week out and to have sex with him again.

The way she said it didn't sound good to me and she admitted that she wasn't ready to throw herself so far into things with him right now. She said she'd hoped that would have happened after we'd gone away skiing and not before; that it would have been something that started in a smaller way with 1 or 2 nights in a row and not all week.

She told me that it was on a Thursday night she started to think about me wanting her to go back with him once more while she still could (and I told her she was probably right) and how she wanted to tell me how much she’d given herself to him, saying in a sense, that she went back on Thursday and was 'doing it for my benefit'!

I joked with her back and said, "Yeah, and the sex was good too!" She giggled and said that it was.

She asked me to share how I felt and I told her that late Friday night that I had made up my mind I was going to want her and want to have sex with her. I even told her that I needed to. She smiled and said she'd thought I was going to be feeling that way from how I'd sounded on the phone and how eager I'd been to hear about things (and how I was in general) when I got home.

She looked at me and said, "But we weren't supposed to be doing that until January … " and then asked, " … what does this mean?"

I told her that I didn't know if there was any greater meaning other than the week away had gotten me quite horny knowing what she was doing. I looked at her and said that I didn't want to tell her this, but was going to; I told her that this was one of those times when I was going to want or even need her when I knew she may not be in the mood for me.

She giggled at my attempt of being 'the Alpha' and said that she and Paul had been talking about such a thing, this very situation; that she'd told him a lot more about me and us but had still stuck to the intermittent ED issues. She said that she wasn't surprised at hearing what I was saying and, " … as long as you use a condom, it'll be okay …." adding, " … I'll probably be in the mood by the end!"


So again she's like a teenager waiting to be picked up for a date and he's not due here for another hour or so. This morning she shared that she had to change her panties because she was so horny and so wet already. I thought about advising her to use a pantie liner but quickly dismissed the idea as it's not my place to suggest such things; then I thought she might have let me have a little feel but she seems fully focused on being with Paul tonight. She's also made it clear that she wants him and me to start to be able to talk more about things to which I responded that it's always awkward trying to figure out what to say so she said, "Okay, I'll help you two along."

I'm a bit anxious right now about that.


She was busy this week with her second favorite activity after sex, shopping. She was adamant that she wanted to get the Christmas shopping for the kids done and she's even started to get their stuff wrapped. I'm also thinking that she needed a bit of a break as she did tell me that she felt a "little sore... down there..." earlier this week.

I was going to give her a 'gee, you think?' reply as it's a real rarity that she'd have sex 6 days in a row.


It's difficult to explain how I feel except that I truly do want to let this all play out now and let the two of them have their time together. I have to say that feeling the reconnection with her after my trip soothed my concerns and left me feeling like there are not many worries to have moving forward.

I was worried that she would have denied me when I got back, but that she didn't and even enjoyed being with me which certainly made it good for me. I felt that she was sincere in her feelings to want to be with me and share what I think I needed to feel, maybe to let go of my last issues with them.

In a way, I would love to be there later tonight next to our bed and to be able to ask Paul how she feels and if she's wet; to ask her if he feels big in her or if she can feel how deep he is in her. To be honest, I would love to go down on her right afterward he has cum in her but before that can happen he and I will have to figure out how to relate to each other.

Weird how my thoughts go back but I think of Dan and how it was just easier when he would take charge and just say what he was thinking. I see Suzanna responding much the same way with Paul now and it's making me remember just how she wanted Dan at some point in time; how she couldn't wait to meet him for lunch or whenever she could and, yes, how excited she was at the beginning stages of playing with denial.

Anyway, I have to see what else I can keep busy with for an hour or so. The little snow we did get has mostly melted but it's cold and nasty out so I am already expecting the two of them to want to be together by our fireplace later on.


I'm not even sure where to begin right now as last night was a major change for how things are between us.

We all just finished having some breakfast together and not more than 5 minutes ago they went back up to our bedroom to have some 'morning fun'. I told them to go and get started and explicitly told both of them that I wanted to come up, " … and watch him fuck you again this morning."

Last night after we'd had a bit of dinner and with things still awkward between Paul and me that Suzanna sat down between us on the couch and took both our hands and said without any embarrassment, "Look, you're both fucking me...." and then turned to Paul and said, "... well you a bit more than him..." as she looked back towards me, " … so you both need to figure out how to get along since it's not something that's going to end anytime soon".

She turned to me and said, "Baby, he fucks me good, really good, and I want more of it." She then turned to Paul and said, "He's my husband and I love him... " Then she stood up and turned to face both of us and said, " … make it work!"

She turned toward the stairs to leave us and said over her shoulder, "I'm going up to get more comfortable, both of you should come up whenever you're ready".

It was a very awkward moment. He turned to me and I looked at him and started first when I told him it was hard for me to talk to him but that I was enjoying what was going on and that I liked that she'd spent so much time with him two weeks back.

He looked me in the eye and told me that he feels very special and honored that he is getting to 'share her with you' (meaning me) and that over the past couple of weeks, she explained a lot more about things between us and that he thought it was 'nice' that I was comfortable enough to let her go her own way sexually.

I admitted to him, albeit difficultly, that between 'my problems' (hinting at ED) and this crazy fetish I have of liking her to have sex with other guys, I felt good about her and him being together.

I won't say that the talk turned us into good buddies but our conversation continued along this intimate path for a few minutes until he looked at me and said candidly, "She has an amazing pussy".

I laughed out loud when he said that and I told him how I'd always loved fucking her from our first date. He said he hadn't heard from her that she fucked on the first date but then said, "I’m not surprised".

It did become easier to talk with him and I even told him of my 'crazy beta feelings' and he said that, " … it can be really exciting having a strong-willed woman" which again made me laugh. I shared the thought and wondered out loud to him whether all of the women who seemed to have no problems exerting or expressing themselves were all 'alphas' in the bedroom too.

He nodded and said that he loved how Suzanna could tell him what to do at times, more aptly, what she enjoyed and didn't enjoy. He told me that it took him a while to get used to that in a woman, ".... someone who would tell me they want to be on top or the bottom...."

We spoke a while longer but were both aware of Suzanna waiting so we both looked at each other and said, "We should go upstairs".

On the way up to our room, I told him that I didn't mind at all him coming and staying over and that I knew Suzanna wanted it too.

He told me that it must be amazing to feel so comfortable and confident about someone (Suzanna) after being so long together.

When we opened the door to the bedroom we found Suzanna lying on the bed dressed in something very sexy. She had made the right impression of being a confident lady, with thigh-high stockings, a garter belt, a skimpy pair of panties, and a matching sexy but also not explicit bra. To put it simply, she looked heavenly.

She stood up and came over to us and surprised me by kissing me deeply first and then said out loud as calmly as she could, "Baby, I'd like you to stay here while we make love".

I gulped (she'd said 'Make Love')and managed to get out a, "uh huh" and nodded my head.


Okay, my cock is hard and I don't want to miss their fun upstairs so I'm going to end this here - I thought I'd have more time but I have to say it was beautiful watching them last night.

As a by-the-way, I’m no longer fully shaved. My week away when I didn't bother to shave has seen most to have grown back. Suzanna commented on it and has asked me to keep the base of my cock bare and also in the future to keep my pubes short.


Paul and I had a bit of a meeting of the minds. I've said in the past that Paul has told Suzanna that he's 'cool' with the things we're doing and I have to say that after talking more with him, I think he's an okay guy.

I’m not sure what to share about the weekend other than to say it was decidedly different after having talked with Paul. I stayed with them and after I kissed her first she then turned around and started to kiss Paul. As she kissed and hugged, I stepped in behind her and unclipped her bra. When she let go of her hug it fell away to the floor. When they started to kiss again I knelt behind her and noticed she'd put her panties over her garter belt which made it easy for me to pull them down to her ankles.

As I did so, I heard her moan as they continued kissing and then she stepped out of her panties. Paul didn't realize what was going on until she took one of his hands and guided it down to her pussy. He pulled back from her and looked at her and then looked over her shoulder and smiled when he saw me on my knees.

I moved back and she began to undress him and I was content to let the two of them start to have their fun. It was incredibly exciting to see her pull his underwear down and see his hard cock spring out and her take it in her hand and then into her mouth. I'd seen this before but this time he and I made eye contact and he said softly, "Her mouth feels wonderful".

I’m not going to try to recap every moment of them together; just share some of the highlights. Seeing him go down on her is always a beautiful sight and I'd told Paul earlier that I have always very much enjoyed seeing Suzanna climax with him.

I will say that things seemed more open and more comfortable between the 3 of us. I still stayed sort of out of sight as that's another thing Paul and I talked about, agreed that it was probably better for both of us that we focused more on her than on each other. They both seemed to be comfortable together too and it showed. Seeing them kissing and her yielding to him continues to be amazing to me; seeing her body respond and her press her breasts against him as she breathed in deeply; him kissing down her neck and then sucking at her breasts, all the while, his fingers gently rubbing at her pussy. There is something just so beautiful to see her lying back and to see her spread her legs for him.

Even now writing this after jerking off twice with her last night I am again hard at the thought. Seeing him penetrate her; seeing his cock rubbing up and down between her pussy lips spreading her wetness (and his); seeing him slowly but surely push into her, it doesn't feel bad to me at all. All I can feel even now is excitement and arousal.


Saturday and it was surely them making love together. It wasn't hard and quick (perhaps it's always that way or maybe more so because I was there) and they were at it for a while. She would orgasm with him in her and he'd pull out of her still hard and now wet from her. They'd change positions and he'd push back into her. The first few times it took him longer to get back into her (maybe he was pacing himself?) but by the time they rolled over and she took the top she took him easily and as I watched, deeply too. (I’m dripping away here as I type this thinking of how far in her he was when she'd sit back on him and grind herself against him.)

What I can share is that just after they rolled back over I knew (I have seen them a lot, I guess) that this was going to be the end of this time for them. As Suzanna lay back and Paul positioned himself over her that he looked over at me and smiled and, as I'd seen in past times watching, he positioned himself so that I had a clearer view of him fucking her. With me standing to his right, he held her left leg back and as he started to fuck her I could see he wanted to give me an even better view than in the past. He held his body further away from her than I recall him doing previously and he even fully pulled out of her a few times to let me see that fat knob before the time approached.

Is it weird that I find myself eager to see them cum? Seeing and hearing her respond to him; seeing her wetness everywhere; hearing her and, yes, smelling her? I just can't describe how exciting it is to see her lose control of herself and then orgasm deeply with him. Seeing her body writhing beneath him and hearing her moaning over and over is just amazing. Even better was to know that she would take him with her.

To know this only goes to prove that I am the beta but at that moment, seeing him plunge into her one last time I had no such thoughts, all I know is that I simply loved it. Hearing the wet slap of his cock driving deep into her and seeing him stay in her deep and just pulling back ever so slightly over and over I knew he was about to cum. I so wanted to see it and, sure enough, seeing his cock pulse in her and hearing him grunt over and over as I watched him cum in her, I loved it. I loved knowing what she was feeling from him.

He stayed in her for a few minutes while they kissed and caught their breath; nothing was said other than satisfied moans and short bursts of 'wow' and 'whew'. For a moment I felt a little bit awkward standing there as he lifted up and off of her and rolled to one side but she lay there unmoving and definitely both not caring. It seemed to me that she had enjoyed letting me look at her.

As he rolled off her my focus was on her pussy but as my eyes moved up her body and met hers she smiled and moved her finger to motion me towards her. I moved over to her at the edge of the bed and she reached up and pulled me in for a very loving kiss. As I pulled back she smiled and asked me if I could leave them alone at that point.

I smiled at her and said okay. She smiled back and motioned towards my cock and said, "Save that" suggesting that I not jerk off despite my need.


I did go back up to watch them on Sunday morning. There's something just so crazy about walking into my bedroom, seeing it a mess, and then seeing Suzanna lying on the bed with her robe open and Paul crawling over to her. I had such intense feelings (all good!) and, my god, my cock was rock hard. (Suzanna and I later joked that it was a good thing that Paul didn't see that! She's told him that I can get hard, it's just that I can't make it last long sometimes. Had he seen me that would have put a lie to that!)

Seeing the bed in a mess, clothes on the floor, and our bathroom door open with more clothes scattered in there, just made me so horny to know what she'd shared with him through the night. And now, sure enough, they were ready and again I watched eagerly as my wife's lover fucked her.

I knew from what Suzanna had told me that Paul was sometimes more 'physical' in the mornings, she'd also shared how if they'd had sex the night before, she was able to handle his needs more easily but she even admitted that after the night before, sometimes the mornings are more for him. As I stood at the door, this was rather obvious with the ease with which he penetrated her. There was little if any of the types of foreplay from the night before, instead, it was just him gently rubbing his cock at her which caused her to open up for him.

The thought of her body adapting for him is hot. Once he was in her though, this time the fucking was faster, clearly faster than the night before. She remained on her back (her favorite position ) and enjoyed herself immensely.

It was over sooner than I wanted it to be. He fucked her deep and harsh and I thought to myself that he was being hard on her. She didn't seem to mind though and she quickly (maybe 10 minutes at most) noisily orgasmed and then before I knew it, he was about to cum again.

I wasn't certain that they knew I was standing there so it was unexpected that as he pulled out of her this time he said out loud to me, "Stef, I hope I saved you something."

What surprised the heck out of me was her response, "Oh, he's happy waiting till tomorrow".


Paul and I have spoken about their week together when I was away on business but it was what he said after that which surprised me but also left me feeling quite comfortable. Hence its relevance of mentioning it here.

He told me at one point that whilst he would love to take Suzanna out on dates or go out to dinner or dancing or whatever, he is very aware of her desire for discretion; that he'd never do so unless it was to someplace certain where it would be okay.

Of course, he followed it by telling me, and I don't think he meant it as a put-down or negative connotation, but he added that it makes it easier in his mind that she's just with him for sex and that he enjoys just that with her.

That comment was more related to him wanting to make Suzanna feel as though she's not just a sex object and that he said that he felt bad that at times that's how it felt to him.

I cannot tell you how refreshing it was to hear that from him but I know she doesn't feel that way. I suppose his comments could be an indication of his desire and not of his concern for Suzanna.


I don't think it's a concern as if that's what he wants, he's going to have it when we go away skiing. As I've said, and as she and I have discussed, she wants to be 'his' when we go skiing including going out for dinner, drinks, and then some music/dancing afterward. Knowing what being outdoors skiing does for her libido, I can only guess how that is going to rev her up even more!

I guess that's what's perhaps most different right now. Suzanna knows that I want to experience this stuff more openly, more fully.


I am genuinely excited about tomorrow and breaking a 'tradition' by not having sex with her on Christmas Eve night, something we have always done. She has already told our kids that she's going out to deliver some presents to people she works with tomorrow afternoon and will be out for a little while. I know otherwise, she told me privately she'll be with him for a few hours.

The thought of spending Christmas Eve with her after she's been with him is incredibly exciting for me and she's already hinted that maybe we'll have some fun later tomorrow night which I'm sure will be her teasing me while I masturbate.

I dare not let my thoughts and arousals go to next weekend just yet.


The only time Paul's golfing buddies have seen or been with Suzanna was when she'd joined him going away on one of his golf trips. Otherwise, it's not something that I've discussed with him but I can raise the subject with Suzanna and see what she answers. Again, I think his discretion is more a reflection of his wanting to protect what he's got with Suzanna which I appreciate. At the same time, I'm sure if they should run into one of his friends he'd introduce her as just a friend.

Now if they were seen together by people from our side of the relationship, that might be more difficult to explain especially if something compromising might have been seen; so again, I am very appreciative of his discretion. Indeed, in talking with him, I felt that his concern was also about how he may be making Suzanna feel with sex being the primary focus of their time together.

However, that's his concern because I don't feel that at all from Suzanna. If anything, the focus to be mainly on sex between them, I think, has perhaps allowed this to percolate as it has and to have Suzanna truly seem to focus on just the sexual aspects of things rather than bringing in a lot of other things.

5 plus years ago I know she'd have felt differently but now I think this works for her in that I think she doesn't have to think too much about the mechanics of us separating now. If anything, their agreed-on approach is to have this be still mainly a physical (well, mental for me in how they both seem to want to turn me on too) thing between them!


We have talked a lot over these past 3 days about how I've felt about giving up sex with her at a 'special time' of the year when normally we'd have been very intimate together in the past. She asked me as we lay in bed on Christmas Eve whether I was okay with everything and I told her honestly that I was incredibly aroused and turned on knowing that she'd been with Paul earlier.

She turned towards me and was moving under the covers as she slid over next to me. She kissed me and reached down and felt my very hard cock and she smiled, took my left hand, and guided it under the covers and then under her night shirt. I realized immediately she'd slid off her panties and she guided my fingers right to her pussy she gently spread her legs for me and whispered, "You can feel me while you take care of yourself, baby".

She didn't need to ask twice. As I ran my fingers up and down her swollen labia - she cooed in my ear how happy Paul had been that she'd come by his place to 'be his gift'.

I groaned as she told me that I wasn't going to get to feel her other than with my fingers and told me that she loved the thought of having been so 'naughty' on Christmas Eve and she giggled that she thought Santa was still going to be good to her. A few minutes later when she raised her knees and let me feel where the wetness was coming from and I slipped two of my fingers easily into her, she realized that I was so close myself. She knew that I was coating my fingers in his ejaculation and she whispered something about his semen being very thick and that was when I began to orgasm myself. She must have been waiting to hear me moan because just as I started to she pulled the covers off of me sat up on one elbow and watched as I jerked off and came all over my stomach and chest.

All she did was sit there and moan softly, "Mmmmm... I love watching you....."

When I was done and lay back exhausted I knew what she would do and wasn't disappointed. I felt her warm hand on my cock and then her thumb in just the right place. She knew I was waiting for it as she whispered, "....oooh, that is so hot to watch...." as she pulled and squeezed the last of my cum out of my cock and then let it drop limply.


We talked yesterday afternoon after all the ****** festivities were over and we were cleaning up all of the wrapping paper and then the dishes from all of the meals. She turned and hugged me and said that she'd liked how things went and I knew what she meant.

She kissed me and as she did she reached down and made sure no one was around, she reached into my pants and felt my cock feeling soft and limp and she asked me if I 'felt good' implying whether I was okay sexually. I nodded and told her that I'd enjoyed the night before and she smiled and said, "See, we are good with each other even when we aren't having sex baby".


She made an interesting comment to me this morning. She told me that she thinks that my beta desires aren't going to subside and that she honestly feels that it's the 'real me' coming out. 'Not in a bad way at all' she says but that she thinks this is what she senses when she keeps telling me that I seem to be fighting it. Only this time she is saying it in a way that she feels makes more sense and I have to sort of agree. She said that I seem to be hesitant about going into trying and doing new things (meaning more denial) but that she understands that I seem to need to take small steps towards that and that each one is sort of a trial for me in a way.

Giving up bare sex with her was the first thing. She said that she knew it was something that had taken me almost 2 years to become comfortable with as something that is now 'our norm'. The way she said it made it easier to talk about as she told me that she knows it's something that I am now enjoying.

When I nodded my head she continued and said, "You know we're probably not going to ever go back on that, don't you?"

I turned my head to listen to and take in what she had said and she continued, " … it's been almost 2 years baby; it's not something that I want to go back on...."

I guess I had a little concerned look coming across my face when she said, "It doesn't mean never again baby - it just means that it will be something really special that we'll still share sometimes...."

Then she said it (and I guess, I know what she meant when she said), " … it's just something that you shouldn't expect ... at all.....". She looked at me and said, " Don't be sad because what we have now using condoms together is special in its way … and you feel good when we use them, right?"

I just nodded and then she asked me what I thought and I told her that it somehow made me feel fulfilled in a weird satisfying way. She smiled and said that is what she is saying, that we tried this and we've found it's something that does work for us both. She said it makes her feel incredibly sexually aware around me knowing that I no longer cum in her.

I told her that it was crazy that it turned me on in a similar way.


That comment led to a bit of a discussion that is still going on between us and I've been thinking about what we've talked about now for a while as it's nothing new.

She emphasized that she feels very close to me and she asked me honestly how I felt when I masturbated with her like we'd done on Christmas Eve. Before I replied she looked at me and said that she felt it was a moment that she has learned to cherish; that she loves letting me and encouraging me to enjoy myself and that she feels equally as comfortable letting me watch her. She said that it's something that she feels strongly about.

As we talked she wanted to emphasize how she wants me to know that if that makes me feel good, then it's good for both of us and that if that's what turns me on, again, I shouldn't resist it but rather look at what we're doing as steps towards understanding what I do feel and want.


Our ******** called out from the hall to remind Suzanna that they were going shopping which brought our conversation to a halt. Just before she left she told me that she loved me and that as long as I wanted to continue exploring things, she was going to also go along with it and admitted that she would like to see do and experience more.

As she left she said that it was a good place to end looked at me and said, "This can stop wherever you want it to baby. You can decide when and if we go any further,” adding, " … I'll always be here for you, I want to find out what you want too."

I can't recall exactly what she said after that as my mind started to race but she said something about, " … what do you want?”


That conversation was one of the first times with her where I sensed she understood how I felt regarding exploring just how far my beta desires go. We've tip-toed around it for a long time but last night in bed we talked for a long time, staying up quite late, and I think it's one of the first times that I think I feel that she understands how I'm feeling.

It might be thought that she has this ulterior motive to be with Paul or leave me or whatever, but it sure didn't feel like that last night. She said things to me about how she thinks that it makes me feel and connect with me. She told me that I have always been this way; and that I need to explore and experience things before deciding how I feel about them.

She's known me for 30 years now so some of what she said was revealing. She reminded me of some things that we explored before and got into, like skiing. Then other things that we thought we'd be into more but didn't appeal so much, things like scuba-diving or going out on my motorcycle. There have been ****** things too that she's mentioned that related to our kids and how we've felt over time. What she was emphasizing to me was that I need to experience things for a while to learn how I feel about them and that I’m not someone who has immediate desires or makes overnight decisions.

I was going to be defensive and dispute what she was saying but then she said, "I'm the same way" and went on to share many similar examples. She said she didn't plan to meet or enjoy Paul but it is what it is; bluntly put as long as I want to have and experience my life as a beta for her, she will want him sexually. She stated this matter-of-factly just as if she was talking about the weather, as if it were the same as 'it's cloudy out', as just something that 'is'.

We started to talk about how I felt about things and told me that it's taken her just as long as me to come to where we are and for her desires to develop and insisted that her desires have merely been followed by my own.

I didn't ask her but, surmising, I suppose if I'd been into group sex and gang-bangs, perhaps she may have developed her desires in that direction. Something we'll never know but again, as someone who's been in love with her as a person as well as a physical being, I honestly believe what she's saying. Anyone who's married for a long time will know the same, you just go along with the other person’s desires at first but over time you, perhaps reluctantly, develop a liking for the same thing yourself.

So when she asked me whether I'd truly ever thought about what I wanted to experience, in response I asked her the same question and she said that it's (her desires) not something she'd have been able to form herself until recently.

She again mentioned the 'whole big affair' and again clarified that she no longer feels the need for the emotional side of that but now that she can say what it is that she wants. She went on to say that she would like to 'explore further' with me and giggled that, " … it’ll be how it's always been; when it's too much for you, it'll probably be too much for me!"


I often think about when the three of us have been together in the bedroom, seeing him in her and seeing her respond so comfortably to him, that it's arousing in a much more admiring way than physical attraction. I do enjoy her letting herself go with him and contrary to having negative thoughts I honestly have no illusions about spending the entire night with them.

The last time I did not observe them after that until the next morning. In terms of how I felt though, it was far more arousing to me that she'd gone off for a quickie (well, not so quick) with him on Christmas Eve and since then been with them the week before.

As far as what we want and all of that, she's made it quite clear that unless I want to relinquish my beta desires, we will continue to use condoms indefinitely. She asked me how I felt about that and, as I shared before, I told her that whilst it makes me anxious to think about it as being something permanent, it continued to arouse me as it always has.

There's no secret right now as far as what she wants regarding this and she's clear about that. She says that my giving that up with her, feeling her bare and cumming in her, that it is part of what she wants even more from Paul. She's clear that it's something she feels strongly about.

She reminded me that it's been just a handful of times that we've given in and not used condoms in the past 2 years. I told her that it was something that made me feel complete when we had sex together; and that using condoms just felt right.

She looked at me and said, "You want me to have that with Paul and not you... you know.... how it feels together at the end...." She paused and said, "It's okay... I know that's hard for you to tell me but I love knowing it's how you feel and what you want". She paused for another moment and said, "It makes me feel sexy to share that with Paul.... and I mean share it".

It was me that told her I was achingly horny thinking about not having her on New Year’s Eve. She held my hand and she said she knew it was and that she wanted to make the night good for me as best as she could.

I told her that I wanted to masturbate with them and she told me that she would love it if I could share their moment that way, "… and you'd still be part of having sex with me this year baby....".

It was when we started to talk about Beyond New Year that she said, "Let’s save talking about that for later".


I used to read incredulously about cuckolds who were aroused at being denied by their wives, I just couldn't comprehend such a thing, but I have now long since changed my thoughts about it. Now being able to talk openly to her about all of this and to hear her side, whether it's a contrived plot/scheme on her part or if it’s her honesty, either way, she is encouraging me to come to my conclusions (albeit with her influence, I'm aware of that).

What I agree with her about is that I want to enjoy this New Year's Eve in a new way; whether it's painful jealous agony or blissful masturbatory heaven, I'll find out soon enough but the thought of her enjoying our normal energetic New Years Eve sex with him instead of me is what I am looking forward to.


.. and once again a new book is called for!