Journal of a Journey - Book #128

Well, she has given this a lot more thought in its entirety than I had anticipated. Last night during our weekly fun, she revealed some things that I told her that made me concerned that might be more than I would want or enjoy. She calmed my concerns as we talked but I am seeing that she wants to do this; I'd almost say that she needs it after some of what she shared.

One of the things she said was that she feels she "needs" to do this as she has it in her head that she wants to feel this kind of sexual intensity again with "someone new" (other than me) before she gets too old (in her mind). She also said she needs to feel it to reinforce how she feels about herself sexually and as a woman; that she wants (needs) the re-validation of her sexuality and desire by other men.

I told her that she knows all of this already from how many other guys but she says she wants to feel that same kind of rush of excitement and fulfillment that she says she feels she will get from being with Paul.

I told her, somewhat teasingly, that, "I didn't know we were going ahead with all of this so quickly".

She came over to me and hugged me and kissed me and said, "I know you're kidding, but if you don't want to, then you need to tell me that." She smiled and reached down and felt that my cock was already hard and straining against my pants and said, "I guess this is my answer." She kissed me again and then said, "Baby, we've talked about this.... I know it's something that's not what you'd thought or might be a bit more than you'd wanted....." and she hugged me, “…I promise to make it as good for you as I can honey."

We talked for a bit more and she said that she'd been thinking more and more about it; that she felt more and more strongly that she needed to do this. At one point she said something about ‘proving it myself’ that she feels so elated about the kind of sexual feelings she is having and wants to explore more.

It was maybe an hour later when we were in our bedroom with the door locked and with her eagerly pulling my shorts and boxers down that she exclaimed, “I love to see your big hard cock". She then pulled off her night-shirt, but kept her panties on, and said, "But let’s talk first baby, there are some things I want to talk with you about …" and she giggled, " … but I want to watch you play with it while we talk". I knew what she was saying, she wanted to see how I (aka, my cock) responded as she talked; I've been down this road before.

She started to talk as she slid on the bed closer to me which made her panties reveal quite the camel-toe! More so as she looked in the direction of my cock she held both her breasts in her hands and I loved watching her caress them and tease her nipples as she talked. It was easy to tell she was getting turned on.

She started to tell me about what she wanted to happen after Labor Day. One of the first things she said was that she hoped that after our fun weekend over the Labor Day holiday, “ …. that's when, you know, you’ll stop being inside me.”

She paused for a moment, looked at me, and said, "Does it turn you on that I have my panties on tonight?”

I groaned a ‘yes’ and she giggled and said that I was very predictable! I told her what she already knew, that her teasing me with this kind of sexual-denial stuff was something that affected me. She giggled and returned to watching me tugging on my cock.

I have to say that I do love lying there and letting her watch me.

I haven't mentioned it before but she'd asked if I could do a little ‘man-scaping’. (She doesn’t like getting stray hairs in her mouth when she sucks me off!) She said that Paul does it for her now as she complained about his curlies too. She said that she likes to see my pubes trimmed pretty short and she thinks it's wonderful how it lets her see more of how big my cock is. I heard her say similar things last night as she told me she liked how my cock looked several times, letting out some ‘oohs’ and she even reached over and wiped off a drop of pre-cum at one point.

She started to tell me what she was hoping she'd be able to be doing with Paul ‘after we get into it’ and proceeded to tell me, " … either me at his place or him here but, wherever, I'm going to be spending two nights in a row with him." Then she looked at me and said very firmly, "I'd like to be able to do that every week baby..."

It was just sooo sexy hearing her talk about it like that; just the way she said it was incredibly arousing. I moaned back a response of something like, "We'll see ... maybe....". My attitude changed however when she began to tell me more of what she was thinking and said, "You remember when he chased me down to the kitchen that time?"

I nodded and affirmed, "Uh huh."

"I want more time to feel like that with him, to feel sexual with him, and to not have it end the next morning." She went on to say how she felt ‘crazy horny’ and that she wanted to know she could come home to him and have him again the next night. She held my hand and said, "It's nothing more than how it was when we were away skiing or when I went with him alone."

Again she looked directly at me and said, " … but if we are at our house, then I don't want it to only have to be in our bedroom. I want it to be like when, you know, how we are at his place." I knew exactly what she meant both from with Paul as well as what had happened in the past.

I told her that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to deal with that and she immediately said, "That won't be at first baby, but if it's okay.... you know when we talk after a few weeks of trying it out… then maybe we can start trying some of that?".

I grunted back a somewhat reluctant sounding ‘OK’ at which she giggled and said, "Baby, it's what already happens at his place, it'd just be here too.... I just want to make sure you know that honey".

My god, it was how she said it that was so intense and the following moments I admit that all sorts of scenes played out in my head. As I was enjoying my thoughts (which were obvious to her too) she continued and said that "We're not just in the bedroom at his place baby... I was hoping that it could be that way in our house too...”

I was moaning away. She knew what to say and how to say it to get to me because she continued, ".... so, you know, when he's going to be here, you know, uh, you may have to move some of your stuff into the other room!"

I must have looked at her as if she was crazy because she then giggled and said, "That's part of it, baby, I want to feel it with him". She smiled and I could see her nipples were now really hard so I knew this was turning her on too to think about and share this stuff with me. For as much as it scared me, it was just so erotic and intense to see her struggle at first but then to sense that she was becoming more comfortable saying it to me.

She giggled a little and then said, "You know baby, you know it's going to turn you on that we're going to be in our room and our bathroom in our house." She knew she was turning me on. "I want to wake up with him baby and know that I'm his and that we'll have another night and morning together".

I cannot deny how beautiful and how sexy she sounded and how it sounded like what she was saying was coming from deep inside her thoughts too. Her hands had gone back to her breasts and I could feel her legs squirming and rubbing as she continued, “I can tell it's turning you on.... what I'm saying to you..... mmmm, your cock looks so good."

She was talking and I was hearing but not properly listening as I was struggling to reply in other than grunts by this point as I was getting closer and closer to the edge. She giggled and said, "You can be with us sometimes baby … but I want some alone time with him too.... "

I began to protest with a note of some concern which she must have recognized as she quickly added, "We'll work up to that baby.... I told you, I want this to be good for you too....”. With that, she snuggled down closer to me and I felt her nipples on my arm and shoulder as she started to whisper more in my ear. I have to admit I got hard when she rubbed her panty-covered pussy against the edge of my hip. I guess it left me no doubt that she understands me when she cooed in my ear, ".... I think you'll like watching me with Paul baby..... ....when I can get into it with him (like a second day) he can make me cum baby...." She even sort of kissed my ear when she said, ".... I know it's not going to be easy for you but I can tell it turns you on...... it'll get easier for you baby and I think you'll like it .... I know I will ....".

I must have whimpered at that for she eased up onto one elbow and looked down at me lying next to her, stroking my cock. "Look at how hard your cock is..... and how much it's dripping....." She looked at my face and said, " … it's okay if you aren't ready to admit it but it sure looks like this turns you on".

I moaned back a ‘yes’ and she giggled at obviously seeing me on the edge. She smiled and said as if it were nothing, "Maybe you can have a peek ... at Paul’s pussy" and I watched as she moved to her knees and slid down her panties. Even in the darkened bedroom, I could see her pussy was swollen, even almost wet looking. She saw that she had my attention, staring intently, and then lost in her teasing she slid her fingers to gently rub up and down her slit. She smiled and patted her pussy with her hand and said, "You'll get to watch …. but this will be just for him baby". As she said it I watched one, then two of her fingers slip between her pussy lips. As the fingertips disappeared, she moaned intensely.

I don't know what was in my mind at the time but when I focused on her fingers emerging looking slightly wet, I just grunted and began to cum almost without stroking my cock; it just started to spurt with no help from my hand. I grabbed hold and worked the rest of it out but it was a surprise at how suddenly my orgasm had hit me.

Suzanna was very appreciative when I did cum and she moaned along with me making me wonder if she had continued her pleasuring. When I was done she looked at me, my cock and hand all covered in my spunk, and said that she found that to be incredibly erotic; that it got her wet whenever she would watch me. I told her that I liked doing it for her and that it felt good to be close to her like that. She hugged my shoulders as she began to play with my cum like she usually does and again she commented, "I do think this is all turning you on a lot honey... I mean look at this, there is a LOT here!"

I glanced down and saw that she'd collected as much of my semen as she could into a pool around my navel and I had to agree with her. Compared to not so long ago, there is a lot more now, both on my stomach and chest as well as when I ejaculate in the condoms. She leaned down and kissed me as she held my balls in one hand and told me how it made her horny to see what it was doing to me and, kissing me again, told me, "I know it's going to be okay for us baby". With one more hug of my shoulder with her right arm, her left reached further down and did as she always does, bringing out the last dregs of my cum. It's always thick and she always makes a point of holding as much on her fingers as she can.

I don't mind my cum (or Paul’s for that matter) so licking it off her fingers wasn't a big deal but it started her to talk again and with our anxiety levels lowered a bit, it was easier for me to listen and respond. She told me that she wanted to feel that she wasn’t going to have to ‘walk on eggshells’ around me once things get more involved with her and Paul.

I asked her what she meant by that and she told me honestly that they have cut back on sex over the summer and when they talked last that they both said they'd missed it. He apologized for his golf schedule and she apologized (even though it was not necessary) about her schedule regarding our ********. She then told me that she wanted to have more sex with him and hoped that in addition to the two days in a row together that she could have more time with him during the week; she didn't want it to be a 3rd day in a row. She said she wanted to be honest with me and told me that, " … without being with you, I'm going to want him so that, you know..... I feel like I want to...."

I told her that it turned me on and made me nervous to hear her say things like that; she said she loved that it turned me on and that she ‘wants to work on this nervous thing’ before we get to the mid-end of September.


We didn't talk more after that last night as it was late and after washing up in the bathroom we snuggled in bed and she spooned in front of me. She let me hold her breasts through her night-shirt but pushed my hands away from her pussy. She then snaked one hand back behind her and found and held my softened cock. I didn't need to ask, I knew she had a smile on her face.

I don't know how to explain it but she is working hard and it's apparent to me that she wants to make sure I'm ready for what she wants and more that she wants to be sure I'm relaxed and okay with it. I don't know that I'm prepared to see a repeat of their game of naked tag, at least not at the start, but it scares me to think that, after hearing her last night, something that I think I may want to see eventually.

I think for me this is the scary part. If I feel confident with her then I see I will be turning off all the caution signs.


Now that it's today and I'm writing and fully going through what I remember, I can see that once she gets me started that she knows very well how to manipulate me.


We've talked constantly about a lot of this and while I do still have concerns over what happens when it becomes two nights instead of one, at the same time I recognize and can see her increasing desire; even a need to see this through and for me to give her the time she wants to experience this.

Would it be my choice to give up intercourse of all types with her (not for an indefinite period)? At the same time when you love someone and they can continue to articulate what they want; why they want it; why it's not something they feel should represent a threat to us, then how do you say no to that?

I guess the answer is that we've been together now for over 30 years and I’ve never stopped loving her.

She could have said the same thing to me 10 years ago. Back then the roles were reversed and I so wanted to see and know she'd been with another man. She resisted it for a long time but I kept on about it and perhaps out of her curiosity, or perhaps out of her sense of wanting to please her husband, she finally relented. Granted the situation is now different, but at the same time similar, only this time it's reversed. I suppose in the sense of how much of a change or how shocking it is, this is far less of what she did in reverse just over 9 years ago.

I think what I've come to realize is that if I trust her and love her and if we're this far into all of this and it's still good between us (which it is) then going this much further is a fairly small step towards the goal which we have already taken those baby steps.


I am not sure that this would have been my choice of endpoint for our sexual exploration. I do know that some level of denial feels right to me and I have come to the point now where I don't mind openly admitting to her or Paul that I am genuinely, intensely turned on that I no longer get to cum in her. For me, giving that up with her and learning to enjoy knowing I don't get to feel or enjoy her that way has been incredibly satisfying in ways I cannot describe but that leaves me incredibly fulfilled.

Seeing her holding a condom full of my cum and seeing how it turns her on is just an amazing feeling. Seeing it and conscious yet another load of my cum didn't get to be inside her, knowing she lets Paul enjoy that, generates just the most amazing and intense sensations in me. Even now just sitting here typing this has my cock hard and a huge wet spot on my boxers from how horny I am about it.

I love that Paul knows her as intimately as he does perhaps even more so than I do in terms of how he can relate to her on an almost completely sexual nature. I love that so many other guys have enjoyed her that way. I can't say why it makes me feel fulfilled to not cum in her but it does … incredibly so.

While I wouldn't have said I wanted this, now that it is upon me it seems to be a sure thing and it has made me think a lot about where we are going. I suppose that now that it's upon me I do have choices; I can either resist it and try to deflect everything and keep the status quo or I can let go of the reins and let her see where she leads us to.

So many things to think about; am I ready to see them frolicking in our house as I know they do at his place; am I ready to give up two nights in a row in my room so she can enjoy her second night with him?

No, that’s not something I can ever be ready for just as, no matter what until we hit Labor Day weekend and she begins enforcing things; it's not something I can be ready for. It comes down to me knowing what she wants and how she's explained it and her continued focus and inclusion of me in whatever is going to happen has me saying, "Okay, let’s make the best of it".

I will admit I want to see this happen as it will be amazingly intense and angst-ridden to see her giving herself to him. I cannot deny that it is going to be exciting and erotic and while I know I'll be masturbating for a while (perhaps even longer than a while), at the same time I know she's going to make sure that jerking off is good and will be the best thing for me. Knowing that we WILL have some reconnection times (as I said before after 30+ years of love and trust) and, more importantly if I'm okay with it, why would I say no?


She threw back at me something I'd said to her when we first started things out. It was about regret. I had used the line on her that when we're older it's better to regret trying something and not liking it than not trying it and regretting missing the potential for the rest of our lives. When I used it on her it was because she'd admitted some interest in other guys. Now she is using it on me when I admit that I have some interest in seeing this denial thing to a further degree.

I'm not sure if this helped or hurt my explanation of things but it's how I feel and it's how I am sort of rationalizing my thoughts.

I know there is a big difference between how I am now and how I was a while back. I am going to say confidently that it is because I want to embrace and enjoy the beta role now. I know and still feel many of my former ‘alpha urges’ regarding still wanting sex and intimacy with her are far outnumbered by the crazy type of satisfaction and fulfillment I seem to now be feeling in the beta role.


I have just learned that Paul is away this weekend and she has already told me that we'll have our fun time tomorrow night she said that she'd ‘promised’ me that we'd be enjoying ourselves up till Labor Day weekend. I feel a rising anxiety about it but I'm not going to stand in her way.

She's promised that we'll still talk a lot after things get started between them and she has also hinted that we are still going to have sex at times. I know that it's likely going to be possibly two months or so before we return to that.

What I’m looking at it right now is more of what we've done before; that I've/we've gone almost two months in the past without sex between us, so I know that even with that limited frequency, that it's something I can tolerate while she enjoys what she is hoping to enjoy.


I feel I've changed over the past few years; I know I have. I know that years back, I felt an intense need to reclaim her and have sex with her after she'd been with her lover whether it was that day, the next day, or just within a few days afterwards. I know I felt that and I know that I consider that at times it was a competition, and always felt like I needed to try to ‘one-up’ her lover and bring her to that trembling orgasm beneath me.

What I didn't realize until I started and now more fully embrace my beta desires is that by my doing so with her, I denied her some of what she now says she wants to feel; that she is intimate with her lover, with Paul, and that she doesn't have to want or have sex with me at all afterward if she doesn't want to.

I will say without a doubt that I truly no longer feel the urge or need to ‘reclaim her’ as I did in the past. I think when I came to that realization I was able to relax about everything and not feel threatened or not nearly as anxious as I used to feel about her deeper involvement with Paul and, yes, his replacing me sexually.


Last night, with our ******** out and it being a night, we skinny-dipped for a while and made out in the corner of the pool. We cuddled in the warm water and looked up at the moon through the mostly cloudy skies and we floated together against each other against the edge of the pool. Her breasts felt wonderful in my hands and I know even in the water she felt my hard-on behind her.

The point of writing about this, the crazy part is that I loved the arousal so much even though I knew we weren't going to have sex and I wasn't going to jerk off, it felt amazing to let myself grow horny for her and thinking about her and know that she wasn't going to relieve it as she would have just a few years ago. I love knowing how she doesn't feel that need or obligation toward me. Crazy, but it’s one of those things that almost seems primal to me now; I love the arousal with her.

It is profound to me that I am feeling this way and I am not sure that other people (if they should ever read this) can appreciate how much this feels to be aroused by the person and not just the sex; to know that to fulfill that arousal and make me feel satisfied, even I admit that it's scary but also very relieving to say that it turns me on to think that way.


I haven't gone back and counted but I am sure it is in the low single digits for the number of times that I've cum inside my wife since New Year's Eve. What I find most profound is that unless my feelings and arousal and satisfaction change, I am finding myself increasingly comfortable and perhaps even wanting to prolong this indefinitely, it turns me on amazingly to think that I may never cum in her or any other woman again, ever.

That thought would have been incredibly scary and horrifying just a few years ago, but now, the thought of her only having her lover’s cum in her in the foreseeable future is incredibly arousing to me. I cannot explain how it feels other than to say it just feels right to me that I no longer share this with her, that is what I want as a beta and it is what seems to fulfill me in ways to think I may have always been seeking this in the past. It just feels so right to me when I'll use another condom with her tomorrow night.

That was once a horrifying thought and a huge turn-off but now (and perhaps what both scares me most as well as what arouses me the most at the same time) has become something that leaves me feeling incredibly fulfilled. It scares me and arouses me that I may feel the same about abstaining from her over time.

Even now as I shared with her, I would sometimes rather jerk off than cum in her (well, maybe not with just a few more weekends left) and I know that after giving her to Paul it is going to feel amazing to me to masturbate and cum while knowing I will no longer get to feel her. It turns me on incredibly because I know how it is going to feel to know that she may lie beneath me but that I am no longer allowed to penetrate her. What scares me a little is if this becomes condom play and it becomes something we do not return from. I suppose if it does go in that direction, as with everything so far, it's likely to be a willing movement. While I may express regret, reluctance, anxiety, and angst about what we are doing, I can honestly say that it is something I think we will have to do, rather than something that she has and needs to do.


It is actually kind of interesting to listen to her at times when she can explain how she feels and what she wants to feel. It's not something I can satisfy for her even if I returned right now to the alpha role but I do understand her, she's always been the type who knows what she wants, and usually, she can't be talked out of it.

I know it hasn't been easy for her to tell me she wants to feel sexually fulfilled by Paul just as it wasn't easy for me to come out to her about my beta desires but, now that we have both of those feelings out in the open, I think we are both experiencing a lot of ‘mutual understanding’. She professes to now understand how significant this is for a man to somewhat voluntarily give up intercourse with his wife, and I do believe that. I think she understands how physical an act it is for a man.

Me, I will reluctantly admit that I do know how she feels wanting this incredible sexual fulfillment and feeling like she is exploring something new and exciting for herself.

Then again, I would not want or consider moving ahead with all of this if we didn't feel this way.

There are still times when I think about it and I say to myself, "Am I crazy, has she talked me into this?" but those moments are becoming fewer and further between now.


I was pleasantly surprised when Suzanna approached me suggestively about making out Saturday night and, while I was suspicious of her motives, part of my welcome surprise was that when we looked at the calendar I realized we've been ‘off sex’ a whole week.

I won't deny it either, that a lot of her teasing got me so worked up on Saturday night with her taunting me when she looked toward the condom box on the nightstand about ‘only a few more times baby’; she was more specific when she added, " … you'll still have 6 more, or maybe 7, that you'll fill with me, baby."

I suppose that I violated a lot of the new rules as we talked openly while she stroked and sucked at my cock, making sure I was good and horny. There was no denying that she was getting me turned on as it was obvious to her as even I could feel my cock throb as she'd say different things to me. At one point she giggled that my cock looked too big for the condoms we had and she taunted me by saying, " … you may have to skip tonight .... or....." with a sinister giggle she said, " …. maybe You'll just have to pull out at the end....".

That made my cock throb and when she felt it throb once again she added, " … better be no accidents Mister...." in a more stern but still joking voice. (I like to think she was joking!)

I think she must have felt my focus shift when she moved onto her back and she spread her legs for me. Sometimes the thought of what we're doing, what I'm going to give up, feels like a lot. Seeing her lying there beneath me all wet and ready made me so horny and yet kind of off-peak at the same time.

She ran a finger up and spread herself open letting me see how pink and wet she was inside; there’s something about seeing her most private of places and yet knowing that Paul readily enjoys it too had me getting harder again as I stroked a little bit.

She looked up at me and said, "Come on honey, it's all ready for you...." and then added, "… come on baby, I need you now, I'm horny too!" and she started to rub at her little nub with the finger of one hand while using two and then a third finger from the other hand to open up her pussy.

I was genuinely worried for a moment there when I reached over to the nightstand and took a condom out of the box and began to open it. She lay there with this dreamy look on her face as her finger kept her pussy wet and at ready. My cock was totally hard as she tipped her head up and smiled as she watched me roll the condom on. She giggled and said, "I was only joking with you baby…," When she saw me take a deep breath, a moment later she pulled her knees back, "Come on baby, this is for you tonight".


As I shared with her during our conversation yesterday, I seemed to be very almost acutely aware of how she felt on Saturday night. Even with the condom, something felt different; maybe she was wetter, maybe it was just in my head; not sure. Then again, maybe it was the man-scaping but when pushed into her, I swore I could feel her pussy lips against the base of my cock below the edge of the condom. Pulling back, I don't know how I overlooked feeling this in the past, but I could feel how hot her pussy was inside when I'd push in and then when I'd pull back. I admit to feeling a tiny bit of cuckold angst at that but to be honest, it felt friggin' wonderful when I let myself focus on not feeling her bare and knowing I truly may not, perhaps ever, get to feel that again.

She whimpered as I was lost in that thought and to hear her had made my cock swell even more because she then moaned deeply when I pushed into her and even though she had tried to fight it off she could do nothing other than be consumed by an orgasm that left her gushing wet beneath me and lying virtually limp. She moaned as she kept cumming and thrashed about beneath me, the whole time it felt like I was slipping and sliding around inside her like crazy, and each time I'd pull out or push in she'd squeal even louder as another wave of that continuous orgasm would sweep over her.

As she thrashed away I had a billion thoughts going through my head but the obvious one was how she felt and again how I wasn't going to get to feel this and, yes, it turned me on to know that I am a cuckold; yes, it turned me on to think of how she felt at that moment and to know that Paul would soon be the only one to enjoy it.

She was too delirious to do anything other than thrash and moan beneath me. I was getting into it and enjoying just how deep and open she was when the thoughts of her being wet and open like that from being with Paul filled my head and just a moment later even her eyes opened when she felt me thrust into her and, finally, let go of what I needed. I grunted deeply and thrust sharply and deeply into her as I filled the condom which made her squeal even louder and throw her legs back. (I later realized she did that to get my cock to rub her g-spot). After I had cum I continued thrusting until I was soft but she would thrust herself up at me each time to enjoy one last crest of an orgasm before my soft cock slithered out of her. I pulled out and she just lay there, gasping, not being able to catch her breath.

I slid the condom off myself, tied it off, and left it on top of the nightstand, leaving her on the bed when I went to get her a warm washcloth. When I came back after cleaning myself up a little bit in the bathroom she was up on her elbows and holding and playing with the filled condom. She handed it to me when she took the washcloth and she said, "That's a lot from you baby..... it's soooo warm too".


I was very aware of how Suzanna felt physically when we were fucking. Maybe it was me, had I changed my ‘technique’ in response to her teasing to feel her more? Maybe that's why she responded like she did. Not sure, but she did share with me yesterday that she often cums like that with Paul. When I asked her how often it happened, she just said, "more frequently recently" which also said to me that her thoughts about Paul coming to stay over was something behind her desires.


Yesterday afternoon, our ******** had gone off to some local carnival with her boyfriend leaving Suzanna and me sitting on the front porch enjoying a slight breeze on an otherwise hot day. We were each enjoying one of those 'hard lemonade' drinks in the heat and as we sat there she turned to me and said, "Can we talk for a bit?"

I responded, “Why ask, don’t we always?”

She ignored my smartarse remark and started by asking me, "Are you sorry we started all of this?”

I was puzzled why she would ask that to which she responded and said that she wanted to know now that things are ‘getting closer’, whether I was having any misgivings.

I looked at her and said that our fun the night before had made it hard to be objective as she was incredible.

She blushed and that was when she told me that she often cums like that with him and then asked me how that admission made me feel.

I told her what I'd always told her, that it turned me on and made me both jealous and envious of Paul.

She asked me to tell her more and I tried to find the right words; I told her that it made me incredibly horny that he could make her feel that way and that it turned me on that he got to feel her as he made her orgasm like that.

I told her that I was very aware of how she felt physically on Saturday and that I liked thinking and knowing that Paul would feel her the same way. She quickly added in response, “But only he gets to feel me bare".

It was my turn to ‘blush’ and I told her that I loved her and that sometimes it still embarrassed me in a way to think about what turned me on.

She asked me what I was so concerned about and I told her that for guys there's a physical aspect to sex as well as a mental aspect to it.

She giggled and said, "Is this just about you getting to cum inside me, baby? Is that what it's about? ….. is it just that you need to feel that to cum well? …. is it not okay on Wednesdays when you always tell me it's really good; is it not as good as fucking me when you cum?”

It was a bit odd to be talking so openly and explicitly with her outside the bedroom but, as I said, I immediately went along with it and after taking a big breath I answered her. I told her it was different.

She looked at me quizzically so I told her that when we're fucking, it's a different feeling for a guy, that when a guy masturbates, he has to get his mind in the game and then has to sort of get his hand to match where his brain is. I told her that the same goes for watching videos or reading stories, that when a guy masturbates, he has to get his hand and brain in sync. I told her that's sometimes why I get into a trance-like state hearing her talking to me or when I'm at the computer, it helps to have something to focus on; that it takes a bit of focus or the right stimulation to help things along.

I guess I was a bit red in the face when I said, "… but being inside you is very different," how there were so many other things to stimulate and focus on, and that, "… feeling your pussy with my cock is just amazing".


After sharing some of how a guy feels during sex and how different it feels to let loose just thrusting into her pussy than it does using my hand, she said she ‘sort of understands’ and then asked me if that was something that I felt I needed to do; to get that sort of release and she asked me if I was going to be okay, "doing without it for a while".

I told her what I'd said already, that the thought scared me but now that she was saying it was ‘for a while’ instead of ‘for the future’ made me feel better about it. She smiled and said to me that we will just have to figure out how long a while is’ and then looked at me and said, "Is that all you are worried about baby, cumming inside me?”

I had to tell her no.

She told me she will always love me and that she feels this is just a phase she's going through and joked that maybe it's her ‘midlife crisis’.

I joked back and said that “for most wives, just having a boyfriend," would be enough.

She looked at me and said that she wasn’t like ‘most wives’ but this wasn't easy for her either. She said that she knows it was asking a lot but then added, " … but baby, isn't this what you said you wanted?" and that she was confused and still didn't fully understand why, if this is what I wanted, why I felt the reluctance to try it out.

I told her that it wasn’t as if we were just picking a color to paint a room and I looked at her and said, "You can't lie to me and tell me that there's not a chance that once this gets started, that it's going to be hard to stop or control....”

Before she could say anything more I found the courage to say that in the past she's let things get out of control such that they wound up hurting me or making me feel bad instead of good. I told her that sometimes it was because of things that I think are more stable between us now, such as my no longer needing to feel a physical reconnection with her all the time and that would help, but I laid it on her when I said, "… but you need to make sure you are aware of me, not just him".

I think she almost had a tear in her eye as I said my piece. She took a deep breath but I kept on talking, I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to support her in all of this but that she needed to recognize that there are some things I need; that even I don't know what to do at times.

I told her that in the past what hurt the most was when she'd said or even promised me some time with her, perhaps not even sex together, just time together, that when it didn't happen, it hurt; when she wanted to see him again before being with me, etc., or whatever, it hurt.

It did feel good to lay it all out there, finally.

She was still taking deep breaths and now there was a tear down her cheek as she continued to listen.

I felt a pang of regret for upsetting her and changed my tone, I told her, “But honey, when it was working well between us, it ALL felt good to me”.

That did make her smile.

She leaned out and hugged me and then asked me if I still had more to tell her.

I answered that I thought I'd said all the important stuff and that we just needed to tend to it. I smiled back at her, "… all the rest usually just works for us, honey".


Phew, that’s kinda worn me out and also filled the book. Time to find another.