Journal of a Journey - Book #127

The question about Paul's future I think was answered for me last night while we were enjoying our usual Wednesday night fun. Well, it wasn't so much fun at the start as we spent time talking before we, or rather, I, started.

She undressed down to her bra and panties and I stripped down to my boxers and we got onto the bed and we started to kiss and hug each other. She held me close and thanked me for being okay with us feeling so close like we were and in general with 'everything else'.

I told her that I still had some misgivings and she looked at me and asked me what was bothering or troubling me most. Out of nowhere, I told her, "It scares me that I have like 8 more times to have sex with you".

She looked at me and asked me what I meant and I told her that in my head I'd figured out I had perhaps 8 more times to have sex, intercourse, with her before I might be giving it up possibly for a long time.

She could see that I was being serious and it was at this moment that she seemed to finally understand what I was saying when I talked like this.

She calmed me down and said, “Honey, that's not how it’s going to be; I love having sex with you. Don't you worry, when it's over with me and Paul I’m going to want you even more?”

I pulled away from her and looked at her like she had two heads and asked, “What do you mean when it's over".

I guess I should have read into or seen this in what she was saying but she came out and said that she feels that after she has 'this experience' as she's now calling it after she's fulfilled it with him, that, " … it's not going to last much past then".

I looked at her and said, "Why?"

What she said to me was something like, "I just want this, you know, to know how it feels to be with him this way …. but it's not going to last forever."

She went on to say some of what she's said before and repeated that she feels she's getting older and that if she passes up on this opportunity to let herself go with Paul, it may never happen again; that it may take years before she might feel this way to where she has the desire to do it with a different guy. She tried to explain to me how she wanted to feel things and do things with Paul that she can't or doesn't want to do with me.

She went on to express to me some feelings in a way that she hasn't before, that she feels lust and desires with Paul that she hasn't felt in a long time, and that she wants to fulfill her desire before it's too late. What was heartwarming for me was that she looked at me and said, "It's not like we're not going to have sex together baby .... it's just going to be less frequent .... until, you know, things come to an end with Paul".

I asked her why she felt that was going to happen and she said the usual things, her age being one of them. I told her that I thought Paul would be enjoying her until she was wrinkly and creaky. She giggled at that and said, "Yeah he might …" but added that she doesn't know if her feelings will remain for him.

Then she said, that she feels that if she doesn't ramp it up she thinks they might not last too much longer.

I asked her what she meant and she said that "How long is he going to be happy with just sex?"

Still unsure, I asked her what she meant.

She said that “He knows that I will never want to be with him or want him in any way more than now.”

As I tried to get my head around that what came through to me was the surprise to hear her say 'He KNOWS that'!

I smiled and she looked at me and said, "Was that something you were concerned with?"

I nodded and she pulled me close, hugged me, and said, "I only want you as my husband … I enjoy being with Paul but it is not emotionally fulfilling." She paused and giggled before adding, “… but the sex though, Wow!"

She held my hand and said, "No matter how much he owns my pussy, he'll never have my heart baby".

I hadn't noticed that she'd managed to slip her bra off until I felt her breasts on my arm and chest as she leaned over to kiss me and my hands found her breasts and caressed them. She reached down and felt my hard-cock tenting my boxers and smiled before she aligned it to rub and grind her pussy against it.

She climbed up on top of me and told me that I was being silly about things again and, " … it can't be the sex baby, you've seen other guys fucking me for a long time now. " She looked at me as she leaned down against me, " … that's all it is baby, I love fucking him and it is that; I just want that".

She reached into my boxers and held my cock and said to me, or rather, said to my cock, "he'll just have to get used to it for a little while." She then reached for my hand, kissed me, and said, "You’re hard and I know this turns you on. I know it's not going to be easy for you, and believe me when I say it's not for me either, but it's something I want to try".

With my hand in hers as she started to stroke my cock she looked at me and said, "I know you need to be in me and I need you there sometimes to baby".

That was all she said before she sat back up and slid my boxers down. She smiled and told me she loved seeing me so hard and that she loved that I was horny about her and what is going on. As I got into stroking myself she lay next to me and said, "You’ll get to feel me again baby, it won't be forever, I promise".

I could feel the pre-cum all over the head of my cock and when she saw it she leaned down and licked it off and said, "That is so sweet, I love it." She dipped her head further and ran the tip of her tongue almost into my cock and then began to suck. When she pulled off I groaned and asked her to continue. She shook her head and said, "Uh huh, no, I want to watch you"

I moaned again but did as she asked. When I started to get into it more and more she started to tease me again and said, "That did make me horny what you said before ... you know.... about only getting to fill 8 more condoms … it's pretty horny to think of that, huh?"

I groaned back that it made me horny to think about and she giggled again and said that, "We should have a little thing, you know when it's down to just one left". I tried not to grunt at that thought but she knew it touched me and knew it turned me on.

It wasn't long after that when she could tell I was about to cum and she leaned down and said, "Let me see you cum baby." Just the way she said it got to me and a moment later I let it fly!

As she helped me clean up she started to talk to me again about how I could feel more okay. As I licked her finger clean I looked at her and said, "If you can somehow promise me it'll all be okay between us afterward".

She hugged me and said, "Okay, I'll try to make you feel better about that".


We’ve had many long discussions about this past weekend and it is clear to her now that I do want her to do this with Paul. It’s been hard to say that and to let myself accept it but it is the truth.

She knows it too and she said that from the time when I didn't reject outright her desire to have the 'whole big affair' a few years ago where she wanted to give herself physically and emotionally to another. When I didn't say no to that she says she's known that deep inside it was something that on some level I want to experience.

Suzanna suggested to me that we have a specific date when we will talk and openly discuss how things are going which makes me believe we are putting into place some kind of safeguards. When we talked, she said that if we start just after Labor Day, that come the first weekend in October, we would then take some time alone together, maybe go away, and talk about how things are for both of us.


So how did things go last weekend when Paul was here? Hmm, suffice to say that he was quite demonstrative with her and it seemed to me that he was more confident with her when I was there in the same room with them. I can only add that it was very arousing watching them together and seeing how they are together.

By the time I did join them in the bedroom, they were pretty well into it and I was there right next to them when he fucked her for the first time. I was aware that Paul noticed my semi-hard cock when I joined them so I did my part supporting the ruse, the fabrication, that Suzanna had started as to why my cock wasn't hard when I went in to be with them, of me suffering from ED. What he didn’t realize was that any supposed dysfunction on my part was due purely to my nervousness.

The nerves quickly disappeared when I sat next to them and I felt myself get fully hard when I watched him rub his cock all around her pussy and then used the fat head of it to spread her pussy lips apart.

I know she's told me before but she made a point of telling me yesterday how she feels when she lies there like that beneath Paul and she can feel the big knob opening her up like that. What she said made me wince a little but also got me very hard when she said, “I feel as comfortable with him like that as I do with you … maybe, recently, a little more with him than you even".

She told me that she loves how she feels so incredibly feminine and so wanted by him when she will lie there beneath him and spread herself open for him. She laughed at how I responded when she told me she loves being naked and that she loves her pussy being shaved for him as it makes her feel incredibly sexy at that moment, wanting him to have all of her.

I did masturbate whenever I was there with them last weekend. As mentioned, Paul saw that I wasn't fully hard and that as I watched him seduce and then begin to fuck her, he must have noticed that I got fully hard. It wasn't planned that way but it did happen.

I slowly started to stroke myself and it was confirmed that he'd noticed what I was doing when at one point he looked at me and said, "It's cool if you need to," and then he went back to fucking Suzanna.

He was a bit more demonstrative with her including taking time to kiss her passionately while he was still fucking her which was a bit of a stretch for him to remain in her while kissing her but he managed and I was delighted to see her respond.

Knowing he was making her feel so good was enjoyable for me and it took no effort at all for me to cum and spurt a huge load. I came long before he did and so I didn't make too much of a mess I was able to aim into a washcloth that was conveniently placed nearby. (I joked to myself that perhaps we might add to my list of 'deficiencies' that I also suffered from premature ejaculation!) As I cleaned up I then watched as he easily brought my wife to several gut-wrenching orgasms before seeing him thrust deep in her and I knew that was when he was about to cum in her.

If I didn't feel quite so self-conscious I would have been encouraging him out loud at the end as I truly wanted to see him orgasm and to see her response. If I recall, she'd just come off a peak of her orgasm when I saw him push into her one last time and I heard him grunt.

My god, do I love that moment. It's over a week ago as I write but even so the thought of hearing him moan out his cries of passion and the memory of seeing his cock as it slid in and out covered with his cum and her juices. Even though I'd cum a few minutes before I was still able to coax another spasm of my own with another dribble of cum at that very moment.

I do wish he'd have pulled out of her right then (something I may tell her) as it is just incredibly erotic to see the last of his semen ooze out of his cock and for me to know he left the rest of it inside her, that combined with how wet and slick his cock would look just so gets to me.


She did NOT see him this past weekend and was a bit annoyed that, although it was expected, it was due to him being off golfing.

Yesterday afternoon she began hinting that she was a little horny and that she wanted to know if I was ready and interested in having fun. She said that all of our talk and all of her admissions about what she wanted and enjoyed along with that she knew it equally turned me on, that she wanted to have sex with me last night. When the time came she admitted that she was horny and that she, "needed to be fucked".

I knew she only wanted me because Paul wasn't available but as we started to get into, again prompted by our talks, she began to tease me and told me that she wanted to be sure the next 8 weeks were going to be good for me.

By 8 pm last night after talking about sex most of the day with her, I was ravenously horny. She giggled at how hard my cock was and asked me if I enjoyed being so turned on. I admitted that it was an amazing feeling to be that aroused and that I enjoyed it. She asked me if I was, "ready to fill a condom."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, hopefully in you."

This banter was a continuation of some of what we'd talked about all day and she giggled and said, "That’s what I expected".

She told me how she felt that sex with me, 'confused her' and after she seemed to orgasm so easily and so intensely with me, I think I understood what she meant. It had been no problem getting her aroused and she was quick to hand me the condom that was sitting on the nightstand and very responsive once we started fucking. She squealed out loud several times as I felt what were deep orgasms (her pussy spasmed crazily but what gave it away was just how gushing wet she would get). I plunged deep into her and felt her grab on and hold me tightly as I had my climax while deep inside her. She 'expired' before I did and lay there almost motionless I enjoyed a few last thrusts as my cock began to shrink.

We lay there together, my cock still inside her, until she caught her breath and regained her focus. She then reached down, grabbed the base of my cock, and then felt for the condom edge before pushing against me and sliding my softening cock out of her. She slipped the condom off and smiling held it up for me to see and said, "Wow, that is the most I've seen from you in a long time, honey!"

I must admit to feeling a bit proud at it all; making her squeal and producing such a prodigious load.


Suzanna and I both recognize this is a very pivotal moment for us. When we talked over the weekend she told me how she felt about many things and she encouraged me to talk to her as openly as I could so we could do what's good for both of us.

One of the things she asked me was whether I wanted her to do this with Paul and whether it was something that, even despite my anxiety and misgivings, I wanted her to do it.

We started this specific line of discussion by me asking her if she was comfortable now taking the 'alpha role' in things with both Paul and me.

She giggled and said that she'd recognized this too but hadn't realized that's what she should call it other than her feeling like she was controlling things more. She said that she was enjoying herself a lot and after I'd told her that I was also enjoying her taking the lead with more things sexual, she surprised me and said that she wasn't sure, “but I can't remember feeling this horny in general since before we got married... you know..." I did know what she meant, that she was enjoying quite a promiscuous streak when we first met.

I told her that I do sense some of that same 'desire for pleasure' as I'd seen back then and she giggled a little at that and said that she hadn't realized that was an alpha thing.

It led to us, eventually, openly discussing how she felt as an alpha now. It took her a moment to understand what I was saying but then she seemed to get it and she said that she hoped what she was going to say wasn't going to hurt me, "But I guess as a beta, you probably want to hear it." She then proceeded to tell me how her attitude and desire for sex with both me and Paul had changed and how now, seeing how I framed it, she only then said she began to realize how she had become the alpha.

She told me that she likes controlling what she does sexually and added, also enjoys controlling what I do and enjoys sexually. She told me that these past 2 years have been eye-opening for her and that she now can truly enjoy a sexual relationship with Paul.

It was then that she looked at me and asked, "Did you know this is how I would feel when you told me you wanted to be the beta guy?”

At first, I didn't know what she was talking about but then she continued and said that in the past 2 years or so since starting with Paul and my easy acceptance of him as well as my continued acceptance as things escalated, she saw the way things were with me. Now with my coming out as the beta (and I do feel it is very much like a gay person coming-out too) she sees I am finally accepting what I think I've been feeling for a long time.

What she was saying is that her desire for this full-blown affair never really went away but now she sees that it can now be labeled as her wanting to be the alpha in this relationship we’re engaged in. That she says that it's sort of extinguished part of what she'd wanted to feel earlier, that feeling of an emotional attachment to her lover. Now she says that 'as the alpha' she knows and wants to fulfill the physical parts of that earlier desire and so she jokingly asked if this had been my plan all along and had plotted to become the beta to lead to this change in her desire!

I laughed and said I wasn't that kind of a devious guy and couldn't have possibly known that this would happen.

It let us rehashing a lot of what she'd told me several years ago; of her desire to feel that kind of sexuality and sexual desire again. She said again how she's feeling older and that with us talking about retirement at some point coupled with having to consider her parent’s frailty, all that stuff weighing on her mind.

I listened and tried to be supportive but it was also pretty clear that after harboring this desire now for so many years, I wasn't going to be able to change her mind on it.

She repeated what she had previously said about how she felt sharing herself so easily and freely with Paul and that when I'd responded to her about that stuff, it was also signaling to her that I was likely going to feel the same about this.

At this point, she said that it wasn't easy for her; that it makes her uneasy to know she feels this way, and that while she knows it does turn me on, she also knows what she is asking for is likely beyond what I had or would find arousing.

She looked at me and asked me, almost pleading, if I would be willing to indulge her.

I didn’t answer straight away but turned the focus toward more practical matters and my thoughts about safeguards. I told her that I wasn't convinced yet and that I still had concerns.

Her response was to ask about us doing a monthly check-in with each other, to talk openly like we were doing now. She said, "I'm not saying we're going to have sex then...." and proceeded to say that this is the exact thing she doesn't want to feel; that obligation or schedule of what she will have to be intimate with me. She assured me that it will happen, that we will be intimate, but that she didn't want to feel that it was something she had to think ahead of time about. (I realize now that it may happen as it did yesterday, as something perhaps when Paul is away or busy.)

The way she explained it to me was along the lines of something she'd said back when she wanted the whole big affair, that she wants to feel as though she, ".. SHOULD be having sex with Paul" and that she wants to feel that it's something unexpected and a surprise if it happens with me.

I asked her how she felt when we do have sex together and that's when she came out with the 'confused' comment that she always seems to orgasm when we have sex and she knows that's a good thing and she readily admits that to this day, she still thinks my cock fits in her best! However, at the same time she said she is almost infatuated with wanting sex with Paul and that, "it is now just as good as with you baby" in all ways … save for how I think my overall thick cock still makes her feel better.

She said that it was the hardest thing for her to do to ask me to abstain from her but she said that Paul and I feel different and make her feel different. When she's getting into it with him, that when she's with me and I pull her in a different direction, she says she feels like it's not the right thing to do and that once she is really into it with him after September, as she said long ago, that she wants to feel almost as if she's cheating on Paul if she has sex with me.

We talked a bit more about that and she asked me how that made me feel to know she might be thinking that way. I told her that it turned me on and she took the moment to tell me, "That's how the beta part of you feels" and she asked me if that was what I wanted and if I still wanted to be the beta.

We took an interesting change of direction at that point when I asked her what she wanted as the alpha. She giggled and said that she'd not thought about it and she in turn looked at me and asked the same thing, reminding me of what I'd said I'd wanted, "remember, you told me you wanted me to look to Paul for my sexual desires..... is that still true now?".

We went back and forth as I asked her how she felt now as the alpha and what she felt she wanted and we both sort of opened up about things. She told me that she likes it very much when I'm with her and Paul while they're having sex and she said that part of the reason she loves that is that she knows it turns me on to see him fucking her but more so that she likes the feeling of having me watching her and her knowing that's all I’m doing.

She admitted that her alpha mind (as she began to call it) enjoys denying me. She admitted that it started because she knew it turned me on, but now she admits that denying me, in general, turns her on very much at times and that now that I was bringing it all out in the open, she said that she didn't want to always feel that she was walking on eggshells around me and having to worry about upsetting me or hurting my feelings if she didn't want to have sex with me.

It was quite a frank conversation but also long overdue. She told me that in many ways I had no one to blame but myself for some of what I was feeling if I didn't like it; that between all I'd asked her to do and made clear that I enjoyed her doing plus, " … you wanting to be the beta." She asked me again what I expected was going to happen other than to fuel her desires again.

Now, it wasn't all cold at all, far from it. Part of her thoughts she shared with me was that she didn't feel this was dangerous to us at all, that. " … if you minded not fucking me, it'd be one thing, but you don't mind it... I know that.“ She said again how her feeling about the alpha role had let her understand that just because I enjoyed her fucking Paul so much, it didn't mean anything else.

She looked at me and said, "I know you don't want to lose me or me to leave you, I hope you know I feel the same way, that just as you want me to enjoy this, I want you to but this is not going to last forever with Paul…" but then admitted that it could be something she wants to feel with him for a longer time.

I asked her what that meant and she said that she wasn't sure how long she was going to want this period with Paul. "Surely a few months," I knew there was more and she added, "But if it's working for both of us, then I don’t know baby...."

So again, it made it easy to reinforce the need for us to talk very openly; again at that 4-week mark.

Of course, the tide turned back to me and I knew it was my turn to fess up about how I felt and what I wanted as the beta. Just as she'd told me so much that I'd heard in other ways I too seemed to have the same things to share.

I told her how scared I was when I first admitted to my emerging feelings but then made her smile with how I said I felt afterward, how it seemed to make me a lot more at ease. She agreed and said that not long afterward that she too felt a change in me.

I told her that I felt a growing ease of accepting that I was going to be playing a diminishing role for her sexually and that it turned me on.

We talked very openly about condoms and she asked me if I still felt the same about using them. I think I surprised her by saying that it now felt right for me to use them and it wasn't easy for me to tell her that I couldn't be sure that even if she offered me to go bare with her whether now I would want to.

I told her that it makes me crazy with desire to know that's the only way I will have her now and she smiled broadly when I told her that I loved the feeling of using them with her and I admitted that it tweaked my beta needs to know that I'm not cumming in her and that I am deliberately and intentionally doing it so so that only Paul gets to cum in her. I knew she would ask me how that made me feel and it took me a moment to collect my thoughts.

I told her as a beta that I enjoyed her sexuality, maybe even more, by watching and being there vicariously rather than participating. I repeated what caused so much fuss a few weeks ago when I told her again that there were times when I preferred masturbating to having sex with her.

I told her that while I wasn't prepared to lose her, that I was incredibly aroused at the thought of Paul taking possession of her sexually.

I was honest though, I told her that I had times and moments and thoughts where I still felt I had some of my alpha desires and needs. She was very close and held me and told me she understood; that at times she wasn't too sure of things either.

I told her how I still had thoughts and feelings that this isn't what a real man wants and that I shouldn't be so cavalier about everything and that sometimes it got me very concerned about not having sex with her.

She giggled and said, "Is it so important for you to cum while you're in me?" she knew that there were a lot of feelings in all of this for me but that she needed to understand if it was something more physical where I truly need to feel her vagina when I orgasm, or whether it's more in my head.

I told her as best as I could that sometimes, yes, my hand was wonderfully satisfying but I also told her that I didn't think it was going to be good for us if we never fucked again or if it was a long time before we did.

As has happened before when we've talked like this, she held my hand and promised me that it wasn't going to be that long and that she was sure I was going to be okay. She said, "I know baby, it's not good for either of us to go too long" and as we talked she said that she thought that, no matter what, after a few weeks that she too was going to need to be with me. As she put it, "… at the end of the day baby, I still need you".

That was kind of reassuring but I pushed her a bit and asked about how long was a 'long time'. As it starts to get closer I'd been thinking that at least once every 6 weeks or so that it was going to be something we had to do for ourselves.

She was honest and she said that we can talk at 4 weeks, as we agreed to, and we can talk then about whether it'll be at 6 weeks. I looked at her and she said that she was thinking more like 8 weeks or so. Then she smiled and said, "That would mean we'd be together for New Year's Eve to honey".

I told her that it scared me to think that way; that we may only have sex-like 2 times after September gets here. She held my hands and asked me what scared me about that and I went right back to how I didn't think it was how I should feel or what a man should want.

She looked at me and asked me, "But baby, is it what YOU want?”

I told her honestly that it scared me to say yes; that it scared me to think of maybe only making love to her 5 or 6 times in total next year.

That was when she surprised me and said, "I honestly don't think it's going to last that long, I just want to feel what it's like baby," that she couldn't think herself of it lasting more than a few months into next year!


She is planning to leave work early this afternoon and spend time with Paul as our ******** has announced she will be out till late tonight. I wasn't surprised by this after not seeing him this past weekend. When she called me to tell me of her change in plans she teased me by whispering on the phone, "Maybe you can play with me a little later tonight".

I'm working from home today and now will get to sit here thinking about what she's doing while I wait for her to come home for a late dinner. I'm wicked hard at the thoughts running through my head.


It's 6:30 pm now and she knows if I haven't heard from her by about 7 pm that I'm going to fend for myself for dinner. The fact that I haven't heard from her answers volumes about what she is doing. I'm hoping, but not counting on her, being home here if I wait for dinner till maybe 8-ish but not much later than that.

The thought of her likely riding Paul's cock right about now is just intense in my head.


It was quite a bit after 8 pm when she got home last night but again, the look on her face when she comes in makes it all worthwhile. She even said thank you to me for accepting and enjoying that she comes home feeling so good and that I don't mind her showing or flaunting it.

We had a quick dinner (I’d had everything ready before she arrived.) During dinner she was fidgety and she saw that I had noticed how she couldn’t sit still. I looked quizzically at her and she finally said, "Okay, be back in a moment" and she left the room.

She came back having changed out of her jeans into a pair of sweats and she smiled, "Yes, I know what you're thinking" which answered that she needed to change because she was wet and leaking from Paul. (It was confirmed when we were upstairs about an hour and a half later and I saw her panties and jeans on the floor in the bedroom).

We didn't talk too much during dinner about sex or Paul or anything like that, more just sharing our day, news, and gossip about the ****** and stuff. After dinner, it was a little different, nice but different, as at one point Suzanna and I found ourselves amid a deep intense passionate kiss with her up against me. She smiled afterward and said that she loved me. It wasn't long after that when we were upstairs.

When we were in bed I told her that her panties looked messy. She giggled and by that point, she'd gotten changed into just her night-shirt and she pulled up the front of it and that’s when more sexual conversation became the norm.

I am trying to understand what drives Suzanna at times to want me to use all the proper terms and such when we're together. She insists on my calling it 'vagina' and not pussy; penis and not cock or dick; semen instead of cum. I think she knows it makes me feel very self-conscious but also very horny to have to be correctly worded.

Last night was more of the same, as she lay there she told me I could touch her. I gently touched her breasts with one hand while I was stroking my semi-hard and growing cock (sorry Suzanna, penis) with the other. When I put my hand down between her legs she spread them and let me feel her. She didn't flinch at all as I let my fingers roam all over her. I wasn't trying to be sexual with her but feeling her still firmed up little button (clitoris as she made me say last night) it was hard to not arouse her and I do admit, it felt wonderful to feel, and hear her respond to my fingers. I ran them down the still somewhat swollen pussy lips (labia, I know....) and I could feel both her heat and the wetness.

She encouraged me to push a finger inside her and implored me to tell her that, "your vagina feels very wet and open baby" which made her moan and push me to talk more to her.

My cock was rock hard and as I fingered her and stroked myself I told her that I felt, "a lot of semen in you"

She giggled and said, "Yes baby, Paul came in me twice." (I did not correct her to use the word ejaculated instead of came, but maybe I should have). She asked me if I liked how that felt.

I told her it was the most erotic thing I could think of to feel and that it was so slick and wet and open. It made her smile when I told her that, "I like knowing he was deep inside your vagina".

She cooed back at how hard my cock looked and how she loved watching me. As I stroked away she asked me more, "Tell me more".

It’s awkward at first but once a few minutes go by, it gets less awkward using all the correct words and I told her that, " I love so much of Paul's semen being in you".

She giggled and said, "You'd better, it's all there is!"

I groaned in response and she must have known it was something that was going to turn me on because she turned to me and said, "You can look while you stroke yourself honey" and with that, she spread her legs apart for me.

"You like thinking about it don't you baby?" and when I nodded she giggled and said, "It turns me on too baby, it is just about all Paul's now."

Then she looked at me and said, "You really haven't cum much in me in a long time now baby" and she leaned down and kissed me and then said, "That turns me on so much.... thank you, baby...."

I was quiet for a moment as I eagerly stroked my cock but a bit lost in thought when I recognized her asking me what I thought about that and whether it was something that is okay with me.

I regained some focus on her and I told her that I did miss it but, in the mood/mindset I was in, I said something like, "I don't think it's the right thing" and I think I realized that I was saying more of what was in my head because as I said it I realized what I was saying and quickly added, ".. but it turns me on".

She looked at me and asked me to tell her more and so I did. It was hard to deny how I was feeling with my cock drooling all over my hand as I stroked it but sometimes it just feels good to say what is on your mind or what you're thinking. I told her that it made me feel crazy with desire and lust and horniness.

She moaned and cooed for me to tell her more and as I said, it was one of those moments where it was easy to talk. My cock was hard and I stroked away as she lay there on one elbow with her pussy ( no, vagina) staring me in the face.

I told her that looking at her and seeing her vagina turned me on to know that Paul was the only one to be leaving his semen in her. I told her that I knew I had only done so maybe 7 or 8 times in the last year or more and she seemed to eagerly whisper, "How does that make you feel?"

I told her honestly, that it turned me on incredibly, and from how we were talking I told her, "I wasn't sure at first but now I like the idea that I don't get to have that with you".

"Have what?" she asked and I knew she wanted me to tell her more explicitly.

I took a breath, let myself go, and told her, "It turns me on that I don't get to feel you are now very much". She was listening so I continued, "I like how it feels to know that you had so much of Paul's semen in you".

She simply replied, "Mmmm, uh huh..." as if encouraging me to continue and I think it surprised her when I said, "Sometimes I think that I've only cum in you maybe 7 or 8 times in like the past year or more ..." I took a big breath and said, "… and I get so turned on that he's had you probably hundreds of times …"

She moaned softly and out of the corner of my eye I saw her hand move down and for her to begin softly to rub herself which made me feel strangely good to be telling her this. Seeing her response made me relax even more so I added, "Leaving you like you are now probably".

She cooed back, "You can look if you want baby" and when I glanced down I saw that she'd spread herself open and was lazily running a finger up the length of her pussy clearly showing me how wet and open she was. I looked and stared, saw the traces of Paul's cum on her fingers, and she cooed, "Do you like it, looking at what he does to me?"

I managed to say, " Oh god yes … " and something like, " … sometime I think it's what's made you so horny for him... you know.... hormones and that stuff"

She giggled and said, "It could be that baby, or it could be that it's just been him for so long."

That made me groan loudly in response and I know my cock which I had been constantly stroking was dripping away by that point. I warned her I was getting close, that hearing her talk like that and reminding me of having to use condoms turned me on, knowing what it was meaning.

She looked up at me with that same questioning look and said, "And what does that mean?"

I answered, "It means that I want Paul to be the only one to cum inside you".

She knew it made me feel good to say it to her and she started to say that it also made her happy to hear that from me and that she liked knowing it too, I somehow managed to add (using her preferred terms no less) that, " … I liked knowing his semen is filling your vagina." I didn't even realize I was that close but as soon as I said it my cock twitched and spurt after spurt of cum spewed all over.

Suzanna squealed out loud, "Oooh baby, that is soooo hot" and then continued to moan as I kept on stroking until I felt her hand on mine first and then beneath mine. I felt her reach down below my balls and the thought came through my mind that 'she loves doing this for me' which was proven when she slowly drew her thumb up the underside of my cock and moaned, "Oooh yeah" as she drew out the last drops. She held up her thumb and index finger and cooed, "Look at how thick it is baby" and then in the sexiest voice imaginable said, "Do you want it?"

All I had to do was open my mouth and stick out my tongue and she let it drip off her finger. It tasted very bitter and very strong but the very moment she pulled her hand away she replaced it with her mouth and it was probably one of the most erotic kisses in a long time I felt her response when she pushed her tongue into my mouth and tasted my cum.

She pulled back from the kiss for a moment and wiped up a few of the bigger spurts with her hand and then brought it up between us and we both licked her fingers off and then again kissed.

We lay there together for a few minutes. She left her night-shirt pulled up and I could feel the warmth of her hips and her pussy against my side as we kissed and she ran her hands across my chest. She told me she loved sharing moments like we'd just had and how she liked feeling very close to me, " … and not having to hide what we're doing. She told me that it made her feel really good that she could share 'the fun' she'd had with me as she did.

She told me that it looked like I'd enjoyed myself and giggled and said, "It gets to you using all the right words, doesn't it?"

I told her, "Only for you baby; only for you". She smiled and we hugged each other.

Before bed, we both went into the bathroom to get washed up and she said, "You can watch if you want" She sat on the toilet, smiled, and looked at me as she started to pee. It was a first, or nearly a first, for other than spying on her in the past or accidentally walking in, she'd never let me be there when she did that.

She finished and then as she stood at the sink a moment later she smiled at me in the mirror, took some tissues, and let me watch as she pulled up the front of her night-shirt and blotted at her pussy. She showed me the dampened tissues, giggled, and said, "You said you liked knowing that" and she dropped the night-shirt and went back into our bed.

Even though I'd just cum maybe just 30 minutes earlier, damn if my cock didn't throb a bit at all thinking of that 'intimate' moment.


As usual, each weekend seems to open new aspects of conversation and this past weekend continued in the same.

She did not see Paul over the weekend as we didn't feel comfortable pushing things knowing that our son would be coming home at some point to enjoy our pool so it was a good thing that we didn't plan anything with Paul.

Something else that was 'unplanned' was that on Saturday night we again had quite passionate sex together. She was more vocal this time about 'counting down' and while I can surely share the intimacies and thoughts I had in my head as I pleasured her, what I think is more on my mind is the conversation that began while I was fucking her quite deeply and continued afterward.

She commented several times at how I seemed to be fucking her harder and deeper and she teased me that maybe it is me getting in my enjoyment before September gets here. My god did that spur me on mentally but, more so, I know I felt her pussy gush as she said that to me so I know how she was thinking too even without her admitting it.

It was afterward that she slid the condom off and again held it up and turning to me said something like, "You needed that tonight, didn't you?”

I nodded and she seemed to be thinking about something as she held the condom in her hand, then turned to me and said, "I know you sometimes really need that baby … are you going to be okay with all of this?"

Before I could answer she said that she could feel it and then she held my hand and said, "That’s something you're not going to get to do ...", that she'd been thinking that maybe it is too much and she recognizes that part of being a man is the physical aspects and part of being a husband and wife is that I should be able to fuck her.

She said, "Baby, that was nice tonight ..." but then qualified what she was trying to say and added that is exactly what she can't handle while she's 'getting into it' with Paul and that the sex with me is going to, "distract me too much to get and feel what I want with Paul".

She went on to say now that she is letting herself think about it more and after how I seemed to be with her, that she was concerned it was going to be harder on me or something that maybe I didn't want to do.

I know and knew what she was doing; she wanted me to reinforce and reassure her that I still wanted it to happen. There was more to how she said it but the exact words she used left me no doubt.

I do still have concerns, but they're not the same as her’s; they're not that I'm going to miss fucking her (I mean, yes, I'm surely going to miss that and, yes, there is a physical need aspect of it that I am concerned about) but my concerns with what she wants aren't how often or how well he fucks her, but what will happen to her, us, emotionally over time.

Summing it up, at the moment she was telling me she had concerns that living with 'blue-balls' was going to be harder for me than she had maybe thought.

I held her hand, turned onto my side and I told her that she shouldn't be worrying about me and said, "Baby, it's more about what happens with us than just me."

She smiled, kissed me, and said, "Okay, as long as you're going to be okay".

I held her hand and I told her, "We will be okay.... and I will be okay too".


On the way to the bedroom last night I already had an impressive erection when she got in bed and when we snuggled up and got comfortable she giggled at how easily I get hard seeing her lately.

I used that opportunity to say, "You know, I'm not going to be soft every time he's here".

She was confused at first at what I'd said but then realized what I was saying and she said, "No honey, just sometimes, so you know, he thinks it happens maybe more often."

In the next few minutes before we turned the TV off we talked and she said she understood that I now enjoyed 'sharing the moment' with her (as she puts it) and that she said as long as it wasn't every time, she thought it'd work out.


Last night going to bed she told me (related to what she'd asked about me masturbating before Paul might be coming over), " … you know that doesn't need to be every time .... just sometimes baby ... I want this to be as good as it can be for you too.”

She was referring to our charade of me having ED issues as I am not sure how Paul would respond if we simply said that I'm not fucking her anymore as part of our kinkiness. We figure that may be a bit too much for him or too much too soon as I do think he's only recently become comfortable with how things were going.

Without a doubt, at 56 years of age, I do not have an ED problem. Maybe I have experienced it a few times (too much drink?) but I think she knows this such that in her heart she may feel the claim is more of a white lie/exaggeration than an outright lie or deception.

We haven't talked about what we might be doing by Xmas or what she might want to give him as a gift. The only thing she has shared is that she fully plans on spending two nights in a row with him, somehow, starting after Labor Day. She's made it clear that this is part of what she wants to feel with him, that she wants to feel like her enjoyment with him will extend over two days. She said she also had other things in mind that might 'ramp things up' but she wouldn't be drawn on what she might be thinking!

I know she's talked about that before and I told her it was something we need to discuss and work through for what she wants in September. I think winter and ski trips are too far off for her to be talking with me about but I suspect they may have talked about it between themselves though.


And with those thoughts in mind, it's time for bed and, when I wake up, to find a new book. This one is filled.