Book 125
******
******
Thinking about it, after our talks and where we are going, 3 months is probably the longest I would choose to go for without some kind of intercourse with her. Maybe a bit longer or maybe a little shorter, depending on things. I think setting some kind of boundaries to start with is probably a good thing.
It’s not just me who wavers, for when I'm talking with Suzanna about it, she changes her mind back and forth too. She admits that it is a lot of fun for her to have sex with me and see how her teasing affects me and how it turns me on to be using a condom with her and, her admission, that she closes her eyes and 'is enjoying the sensations shared with Paul'.
So it seems to me that she is far from set on completely cutting me off. The thing is I can understand what she's asking, my acceptance that we are going to change the norm; that we're going to change what we both see as 'the way it is' between us.
Yes, the alpha part of me still clings to the last and hopeful next feeling of her bare but the beta part of me says that maybe it is time to embrace things and change how we see each other.
I still have some expectation of her letting me fuck her and that it is something that will change between us to the state when I won't be looking forward to it as something other than something truly special for us to share.
I know it sounds crazy to think of that kind of denial as being arousing but the thought of masturbating while knowing it his cock she wants is a thought that seems to always drive me crazy and makes me wicked hard.
******
She went to see Paul yesterday afternoon.
She had asked me beforehand and I told her I was okay with it as it's not going to change anything right now whether she saw him or not. The thing that did change thought was when she came home it lead to her sharing a lot more things with me last night.
She was home just before dinner time but it wasn't until after our ******** had gone to bed that we had some alone time later and could talk about her afternoon. She told me that he'd cum in her twice and that she'd cum 'many more times than that' and then she asked if that wasn't what I'd wanted to feel; her desiring another man more than me.
I told her plainly that while I'd enjoyed the fantasy part of it and took pleasure in the physical aspects of it (the denial part), I told her that I was having a hard time hearing her say that she now desired him more than me and, more to the point, that she enjoyed the sex with him more than me.
She held my hand and asked me, “ …but isn't that what you wanted; isn't that how you described being the beta; isn't it part of what you wanted as a cuckold?". She doesn't often use that word and it caught me off guard and made the question very pointed.
I told her that I could accept her desire being focused elsewhere but that now that it was happening, that I felt unsure about it as well as being unsure about other things. So much so that I asked her plainly, "is there more to this with Paul?”
She asked me what I meant and having found the courage and focus to simply tell her exactly what was on my mind, I told her straight, "I need to know if it's just you wanting to fuck the heck out of him or is there more; do you want more than that with him and if there is, what does it mean for us?”
She was quiet for a moment and then she said, "I never had and never will lie to you baby …" and proceeded to tell me that it IS mainly that she is enjoying sex with him, incredibly so. She said that recently the 'taboo-ness' that has come up due to working around our ********'s work schedule is making it even more exciting to be with him but that she admits that is likely to fade back over the next few weeks.
She joked that she feels like she did back in high-school and college when her hormones first took off and she couldn't wait for the next time to have sex adding that she was energized to 'feel excited by it'.
She did say that, obviously, she cared for him but that it was hard for her to express how she felt emotionally about him; that clearly she has to feel something with him to enjoy the sex like she has with him; that I should know that she's not just doing it without wanting to do it and without wanting it herself.
I asked her if she loved him, thinking she'll either keep giving me the same answer as before or that one day she'll say something different but she said the same, that she doesn't love him as she does me or anyone else in an emotional way but that she does have feelings for him and that he's not just some stranger.
I wasn't convinced so I asked her again and this time she said, "maybe, I guess it could be a form of love if you must hear me say it."
She then went on to clarify her answer by saying that she doesn't feel an emotional need or connection to him but then said quite clearly, several times, that the sex between them has gotten even better. She blushed a little and looked at me to gauge my reaction and added, "You haven't been with us in a while … it’s really good now between us."
Just from the look on her face and the tone of voice, I then understood why she'd asked what she had of me.
As we talked she got undressed and I was surprised when she lay back on the bed naked because I thought she was going to just be getting changed into her nightwear. She saw the look on my face and said, "I thought after all that talk you'd be horny for me by now honey?"
I said, "Oh, you mean you want to?" which she answered with a nod so I asked her, " … is it because you want to or because you want me to?" It was an awkward question but I knew what I was asking and so did she.
She looked up and said, "It’s what I want to share with you now, so yes, I want you honey".
I asked her what happened to 'not wanting me' and she said, "I'm not ready for that yet either …," a pause, " … I do want you tonight …." and she gently spread her legs apart to show me all of her as she lay there on the bed and I was overwhelmed by a feeling of her being like a goddess. I shuddered with excitement as she lazily started to finger herself and I heard her say ".... get undressed and climb in here with me".
Without giving it a second thought I pulled a condom onto my cock as I lay down on the bed next to her and as I rubbed my cock up against her leg, with a tear in my eye, told her, "I'm not sure I can give this up baby."
She smiled, spread her legs and pulled me to kiss her and as she did she said, "it'll be okay baby, when we're both ready, it'll be okay." With that she pulled me into a kiss and as our tongues found each other I felt her hand guide my cock to lay flat against her pussy mound. She broke the kiss and said, "Rub it up and down against me first baby."
I moved up onto my knees and we both watched my latex-covered cock slide up and down against the lips of her swollen pussy. She looked up at me and said encouraging things like, "ooh that's so good; ooh you’re so hard."
As I started to push into her she told me how she loved feeling Paul enter her, "just like you are … " and, as I pushed all the way in, teasing me, telling me, ".... love to feel him fill me up....".
She knew just what to say and it was pushing out all of the negative and conflicted feelings I was having and, after fucking her for well near 30 years I could tell as I entered her that she was into it and feeling just as horny as me. I can tell when she's faking it and I can definitely tell when she would say 'This is just for you' would be when she'd basically allow me to just use her to get off and satisfy myself.
Last night there was no doubt she was really into it. Not just from how wet she was even though I was aware a lot of that was still from Paul, but it was how open her pussy felt and, even more so, how she felt once I was fully into her. When she's not into it she'll pretty much just lie there and let me have my way but last night I could feel her thrusting up at me to take me deeper and I could feel her trembling inside as she felt me go deep and then stay before pulling back.
She teased more but I was too into it to take notice or respond. Maybe I was super-aware or whatever, but she just felt amazing to me. Sure enough, not more than a few moments later, her teasing chatter ceased and I felt her pull her legs back and hunch downward to give me even more access. She can fake an orgasm with the best of them but she can't fake the sudden rush of slick wetness that occurs in her pussy when she cums and I felt that sensation at least twice before my instinct took over and I plunged into her one last time.
I felt so good while fucking her but it was afterwards when I felt my cock starting to shrink and I felt her reach down and hold the condom on my cock as she pushed me away and I slid out of her pussy. It was then that my mood changed and I suddenly got very upset. She saw the change in my expression almost immediately.
I leaned down against her and held her tightly and told her that I was scared to give that up between us and to make it be something we shared less of. I told her I could deal with my whole 'manhood issues' and all of that but when it came down to it, that I wasn't sure I could do without feeling her like that.
She slid the wet condom off my cock and pulled me close to her and held me and said that she understood and she pushed my face back to look at me and she said, "it scares me a little too honey".
******
The realistic longer-term expectations regarding Paul, led to us discussing how things may be between us if that was to lead to where Paul wanted more or wanted someone or something else. She was quite frank and said that this was one of the reasons for her request, to fulfil her desire to experience this with someone she feels she can trust and enjoy. She admitted that their time together is also influencing her to want to introduce new things to keep it fresh(er) between them as well as continue to tweak me at home.
It was when we talked about what will and will not be left between us that she accepted that it will likely not be a good time, especially if she's upset or hurt when (if?) it ends and she doesn't feel or want to be intimate with me. When she told me that she had been really thinking about that my unspoken thought was it was the first time she is thinking with something other than what's between her legs!
*******
She is still seeing him at least once a week but has already said that she will not see him next weekend over Father's day.
Over this past weekend we seemed to reach the agreement that we both are very excited and somewhat intoxicated at what she's feeling and what she'd like to try out. I told her that some of what she'd said had given me second-thoughts about many things. She soothed my concerns and asked me if I would have felt or wondered anything had she not brought all of this up and been so open with me.
I told her no, and she said that was what she meant by everything, that these changes were happening in her and that it wasn't so bad as it began to unfold.
*******
We did make love again this past weekend; she saw him on Saturday but just briefly in the early afternoon while our ******** was out. Our son has landed a summer internship near his school at the last minute and is remaining in his apartment while he works to finish his post-grad work.
It was later that night when we were in bed that she asked me what and how I was feeling. When I told her that I was very horny and turned on by knowing she'd been with him earlier, she offered herself to me. As she did so we talked about how it would feel for both of us in the future if she has her way.
I told her how horny I would be and she told me that she would want me to masturbate as much as I needed to and that she'd let me see and even touch her, but that she would want to know that it was for me she was doing it.
It was eerie in some ways talking about it like that and she encouraged me to tell her how it would turn me on to see her pussy and to know it was, 'just for him'.
She giggled at how hard that seemed to make my cock. I had a passing thought that she might tell me to have a feel of her bare but she didn't mention it. She leaned over and sucked my cock until I was near the bursting point and then she was all smiles as she saw me roll the condom on as I moved into position between her legs. It's not just her smile but it's the look in her eyes and the whole expression on her face that just makes me crazy; it's that and just how she looks beneath me and, oh yes, how her pussy looks....
I know she may have teased me before, and even after I entered her, but once I was fully in her there was no mistaking her response. She came easily and quickly as she grunted beneath me and moaned, telling me how big and deep I felt in her. Once I started fucking her, she encouraged me to take her hard and deep.
*******
We had some company yesterday, her sister and husband came by and we had a bit of an impromptu bbq.
I can't say that anything much has changed between them but then again, maybe some of what we talked about did have an effect? Only time will tell for now.
******
She hasn't admitted to wanting this 'full blown affair' that she'd discussed in the past. My understanding and viewpoint is that she is past the emotional desire on that as she's admitted to enjoying her own desires much more now. From my own interpretation, her compartmentalizing the sex with me may have helped her get past this part. I think she feels her own desire is fulfilling rather than wanting or needing to feel that from another guy, the feeling of her wanting to be wanted that way emotionally seems to have faded but, on the physical side (again she hasn't said it), my thought is that she wants that feeling in a physical way.
However, there does seem to be a bit of separation coming between them this summer. I think that it may be golf-related or perhaps, just a thought, that this whole 'affair' is getting tired. I do not, have not and don't think I'm going to see Paul making a move for Suzanna and wanting her more. This would be the time that would be showing up I would think either on his or her part.
She says he misses seeing her more than once a week but that's all. In my head, it’s his golfing that has sort of replaced her for the time being. The surprise to me is the absence of her wanting him more than she shows.
We have also backed away from the edge, she is no longer expecting or pushing me for a decision. Instead, we have merely continued to talk about it as something that will happen in the future. An example of this would be her teasing me last night as I masturbated with her. She told me that she loved seeing me respond and get hornier and grow harder as she'd tease me about, "my having to enjoy making love to my right hand a lot more in the future".
******
I did ask her what had gotten into her last weekend that she wanted me the way she did and she said, "I never said I didn't want you honey." She added other comments that made me think she's giving it more thought too.
Either way, we've taken it down a notch. Last night as we were having fun she was clearly getting turned on watching me and at one point she stood up next to the bed and pulled up her night-shirt and tugged down the front of her panties and said, "you'll always be able to look baby" and she let me watch her finger herself for a few moments after which she kicked the panties off and lay back down next to me.
*****
Near as I can tell, Paul's ex-wife was what you'd call a shrew in many ways. Suzanna has shared what she has learned over the past 2 years. Apparently sex was few and far-between them so he is quite enamoured with Suzanna’s desires and has made comments about her ruining him for other women. I’m thinking that was said when she began allowing him to go bare.
I question what it must be like for him not actually having someone in his life to come home to after work; to share a proper relationship and I reflected that from my perspective I wouldn't be able to enjoy my life without Suzanna at home with me.
I have long wondered how he feels having sex with my wife but then have her leaving him for the night and coming home to me. I have no understanding of what he does afterwards or how he feels about it, Indeed, I do not recall him making any requests or expressing a desire for her to stay longer (or maybe she just hasn't told me?) Perhaps it's just his awareness of our ****** situation right now but there's never been a mention of that even before the summer.
I suppose looking at it that way, this thing of ours has got one of two endings (maybe really there’s only one as I don't see her leaving me) so it will likely end with it not working for one or both of them and with her feeling hurt again. I'm not going to kid myself and I have told her that she needs to be careful about herself and what she's doing. She says that it's not like that and that she is quite aware.
******
In yet another confusing event, apparently both our kids are going to give us most of Father's Day afternoon (tomorrow) alone. Our son is heading back to college and our ******** will be working at the mall. They both had a smile on their faces when they said it to mask any disappointment so in a way that was funny to see.
What was more surprising and confusing for me is that later on Suzanna told me that she 'wanted' me and wanted to 'have fun'. It's quite nice to look forward to that and have something to remember Father's Day by!
******
We talked about yesterday once we had the house to ourselves. The conversation started with what Paul was doing for Father’s day (spending it with his kids apparently) but soon morphed into a bit more of a discussion about him and the future.
I asked her straight out what she was thinking about and I was surprised by her responses. Without trying to recap the entire conversation, I will say that for maybe the first time I heard her talk about 'life after Paul' and her admission that she knows it's not going to last forever. She said that she too thinks he is going to want more in the future than she's going to be willing to give or, as she reluctantly shared, that he also might 'tire of her'. She said that sometimes she was already feeling like a golf-widow.
I asked her if he was planning or had mentioned another golf-weekend like she'd gone on before with him. She sounded a little dejected when she said that he hadn't talked about it yet. I consoled her by pointing out that there's still a lot of summer left.
She asked me how I felt about things and I told her that, for now, I feel okay about her and Paul.
She then asked about how I was feeling about the whole 'beta thing' and if it was still what I wanted. It led to an interesting short conversation as I asked her back how she felt and if she was enjoying it. Her response was to say that she loved how I was letting her do what she wanted and to experience what she wanted; that she appreciated that I could feel relaxed and be okay about her enjoying her sexuality with Paul and that she was feeling good that she could genuinely enjoy herself with him and that I wanted that for her. She told me again how I shouldn't feel threatened by him and that she was so happy that I was okay with everything.
The conversation moved to her 'emerging desires' and she admitted that she is feeling them, that she wants to feel consumed by Paul. When I pushed her and asked if this was again her desire for a 'whole big affair' she denied that saying she really doesn't want the emotional stuff and that she feels herself pretty well sorted out in that sense.
However, she did admit to wanting to intensify the sexual feelings between her and Paul. When I pushed her a bit more she said that she's wanting to explore this exclusivity and denial stuff because she feels good about things right now and feels that it’s something she could do and enjoy with Paul. Adding, “I want to do it while things are still good between all of us."
I asked her to explain. She said that things could change at any time and that right now, " … just feels like it's the right time". She acknowledged that it may not last forever with Paul and that in the future she may not feel the same comfort and confidence in being able to do it.
She gave a nervous laugh and said that if things fade out with Paul, that as she's getting older, the opportunity to try something like this might not ever happen again.
*****
I know that they've talked more recently about the 'peculiarities' (I like that word) that Suzanna and I share but I don't think she's shared her thoughts about the future with him in those terms …. nor has she complained about her golf-widow status. However, I know he is aware of the things that she is doing that turn me (and her) on. I didn't ask specifically but I believe he is well aware that she would like to be only his sexually at some point in the future.
*****
After spending some time over at her parents and having lunch we came home and lounged around for the afternoon till the kids decided they'd had enough swimming and lying in the sun and their parents company.
After they left our talk became quite open and erotic and easy. It was later when the talking had wound down it was clear that our conversations had affected us both. Suzanna became quite amorous and incredibly sensual.
She climbed up on top of me and for the first time in a long long time she 'sat' on my face (more like squatted above me) and let me totally enjoy licking her pussy. She reached down and stroked my cock while she teased me that her pussy was clean for a change. She then teased even more and said that it'll be staying that way too.
I admit to having thoughts that she might have wanted (allowed) me to have her bare but that apparently wasn't the case. In truth her denial was what I expected and if anything, it made me horny that she had said what she said (even though I would also have loved to have not heard it!)
She sort of straddled my face and her pussy gapped and I had to lean upwards on my elbows to get to everything I wanted. She loved it when I put my hands on the lower part of her butt with my fingers towards the middle and when I gently pulled her open even wider. She moaned out loud as my fingers played with the area between her butt and her vagina and as I teased around her now swollen opening. I didn't put my fingers inside her though; that was reserved for my tongue.
I relished her taste; her juices have this most exquisitely sweet flavor to them. I'll admit, perversely, I missed the taste of Paul's semen in her though, after all this time it almost seemed like that was how she would normally taste!
My tongue probed and licked around the folds of her pussy and I occasionally flicked her clitoris. It was not too long before she felt her desired orgasm sweep over her and for me it was just awesome to feel her pussy at that moment like it was trying to suck at my tongue as she moaned loudly. As she spasmed above me I silently thanked Paul for his desire for her to keep herself totally bare as the absence of any pubes really made pleasuring her smooth shaven pussy so much nicer!
I wasn't sure how things were going to go after that but then she rolled off to one side and lay fully spread eagle and told me that I could have some fun with her.
I had a fleeting thought from the dim and distant past of going and finding 4 neck-ties and restraining her to the bed-frame but that was quickly dismissed as I moved to kneel between her legs; I was just captivated by her.
It was a very erotic moment. She pulled her knees back, smiled as she saw me staring and asked, ".. you okay?"
All I could do was smile as I looked up at her and said, "Yeah, I was just looking at you".
She giggled and asked me what I was thinking. Without even a second of thought I said I was thinking, " … of you lying like this with Paul". I didn't even think about what I was saying until the end as I said '....Paul' and I caught myself.
She smiled at me and then said, "You can have more if you want" as she pulled her knees apart.
I loved hearing her ask for it, hearing her ask me to lick her pussy and I didn't miss the opportunity.
It took no time at all before I had her close to orgasm and for me to feel it was my turn to finally have sex with her again. I laid my bare cock against her pussy and almost immediately she lifted her head up and looked down at it. I think she was about to say something but I already knew what was on her mind so I reached down, grabbed my cock and slipped on a condom. After making sure it was going on correctly, I looked back up at her and saw she had already put her head back down and was smiling.
I lay my cock back against her pussy and started to rub it up and down until I was fully hard again and to rub it all around her vagina. She was very wet and it seemed as soon as my cock touched and she felt it probe inside a bit, she let go with a pent up orgasm that made her shriek out loud. It also opened her pussy up and made it very slippery and easy for me to enter her.
Once I was in her, it was as if all aspect of being a cuckold and beta for me and of her as the alpha were gone. She moaned and squealed for me to fuck her and her pussy gushed as I did. Even through the condom, there was just no mistake as she turned into a bowl of jelly beneath me. I immediately recognized that she was really really horny and then realized that she hadn't seen Paul in quite a long time (for them) and that was likely what was going on in her mind.
I pushed all the way into her and she moaned loudly at how tight I made her feel and at one point I joked back something about how it didn't feel quite that tight 'way inside' which made her squeal out loud nonetheless.
For as horny and needy as I was, I also knew I wanted to make it last. As I was on top of her fucking away I felt I was in control and at an appropriate moment when I'd pushed deeply into her and was kissing her I stayed deep. Then just as I began to pull out I pulled at her shoulders at the same time and dragged her onto the top as I rolled onto my back leaving her sitting on me impaled on my cock.
She moaned loudly as she let her full weight fall onto me taking me as deeply as she could. The thought of being buried 7+ inches deep in her was erotic enough but knowing Paul undoubtedly enjoyed her that way too made it even more intense for me.
She leaned forward to kiss me and again, my hands moved to her butt and then her lower butt where I again began to play with her anus and the sensitive area just below where I was in her pussy. She ground herself against me as I grazed across her puckered butt and then she seethed in my ear as she felt me again grab her cheeks and this time, feel me pull her open even wider.
A moment later as she ground herself against me an intense orgasm swept over her that left her lying flat against my chest and gasping for breath. It felt as if her pussy were alive; like it was trying to eat my cock. Even as she lay prone against me, I could still feel her shaking and quivering.
Well, she may have cum but I didn't and a moment later she realized it as she slid herself off of me and saw just how huge my cock was, still inside the condom but clearly not filled with my own cum. She lifted one leg and then rolled herself off of me at which point she said in an exhausted voice, " … now it’s your turn".
I'll admit that at that moment I did enjoy my alpha moment of taking her legs in my arms and pushing them back as I took my place again between her legs. She responded as if it were nothing out of the ordinary and it made me feel wonderful at that moment to feel her vagina contract on my cock and to hear her moan loudly each time I'd push in and for her to clench down and for a moment there I was actually really really enjoying fucking her, just the sensation of being so connected with her; feeling her as if she were a part of me.
We kissed while we fucked and it was just incredibly erotic but in the end the feelings began to intensify and I so enjoyed feeling it. She felt it too and as my cock seem to swell even more her eyes opened wide confirming it was for real.
She moaned and said something about, "....wanting it soon ...."
I thought to myself that she would likely be saying that to Paul soon as he enjoyed her even more intimately but those thoughts were short-lived as very soon the familiar urge began and she was totally into it too, letting me in even deeper. The sucking squishing sounds were clearly audible as her pussy flooded all over. Finally, I could hold back no more. I held her legs tightly under my arms and I came and came and came.
She squealed again and said, "I can feel it baby..... soooo hot.....".
A moment later, it was my turn to collapse onto her.
We lay there for a moment and then she gently reached down and took hold of my cock and then slowly pulled me out. She paused to move her fingers to hold the condom in place as she pulled me all the way out and I rolled over off of her. I lay there catching my breath until she moaned and I leaned up on my elbows and she said, "Oh my God, look at how much is in here!"
I looked down and I have to admit, it looked like one of the largest loads of cum from me in a long time.
I'd like to say there was more but in reality, I must have exhausted myself for I think almost fell asleep right after that.
******
She is seeing him tonight as again our ******** has plans that worked out. As I wrote earlier, taking some of the pressure off having to make some decisions has made it easier to talk about things and last night in bed Suzanna was quite animated.
The hot topic is that I have been asking her about why she is so into wanting this exclusivity thing again with Paul. It came up again during our Wednesday fun she as she lay next to me watching me stroke my hard cock. She pulled up the front of her nightshirt and watched my reaction she teased me about 'liking to see Paul's pussy'. I told her it drove me crazy to think about that as I masturbated and it didn't take too much longer before I let my load fly.
I loved feeling her next to me and holding my free-hand as I stroked myself off next to her. It really has become a time of closeness for us and she's said many times, including last night, how much she loves watching me and how much it turns her on to see me cum and, yes, never missing the opportunity to add, "and it not being in me".
She dipped her fingers into the pool of cum on my stomach and we both laughed at how some of my cum dripped onto my face when she brought her hand up to my mouth for me to lick off her fingers. She leaned in and licked it off my face and then kissed me.
Afterwards as we lay in bed and spooned and snuggled, I said there was something that I'd wanted to ask her since earlier in the evening. She looked quizzical so I took that as her being interested and went ahead and asked, " … what's with the whole push for this with Paul? I'd think you'd like things as they are right now".
It wasn't meant to elicit a whole big conversation but it had been on my mind and, as I said, it was her teasing that prompted me to ask.
She sat up a bit, turned and faced me to repeat a lot what she'd said already, that she felt Paul would be a fun and 'safe' person to do this with and again that she felt it was a good time to do it while things were good with him, that, " … it's something I've wanted to do and try".
In response, I asked, "why?”
One of the first thing she said surprised me, she answered that, " … ever since Dan it's been something that I guess I've been curious about." I realized straightaway that she was referring to that time when things came to a head and how differently she felt when Dan had turned really nasty and about his request to cut me off sexually.
She said when she saw how I responded at that time, she thought it wouldn’t be something that she could ever try; that when she did finally tell me about her 'whole big affair' desire that she felt she had to share it with me as something that had been on her mind. She admitted that since then she has found herself feeling very aroused at the thought of her being a married woman who's most 'private places' weren't available to her husband, but instead, only to her lover.
It was as well that I'd just cum and that the covers were pulled up for she would have seen my cock growing even more in reaction to what she was telling me. Instead I just lay back and enjoyed feeling the increasing lump in my boxers.
I asked her if that idea was something that had turned her on back then or was it only more recently that it had come to mind.
She replied that she didn't recognize how it made her feel back then but now she was much more aware of it; that it wasn't that she didn't enjoy sex with me but more that she was feeling a rising desire to fulfill the denial thing.. She admitted that she'd felt it in the past (the 'whole big affair') and that she was now feeling it again.
I asked if it was somehow related to being with Paul for so long now and that she was becoming bored with level of comfort they presently had. I said that I figured that this might be something that was fueling it and asked, “was this so?”
She whispered, "Yes."
It was nice to hear her able to be honest and relaxed about it at the same time. She continued and told me that as a woman, something so taboo that she is now sensing she is close to experiencing, that she almost feels consumed by the idea of completely denying me at times.
I didn't know how to answer but that didn't matter for the conversation was cut short when she suddenly got up from the bed to go to the bathroom and as I looked at her sitting on the toilet she reminded me that she was seeing him tomorrow and that she would likely be late getting home!
******
She’s is still out leaving me time to think this thing through.
I can say with certainty now that she is very much aroused by denying me. It's gotten more obvious to me now that she's being a bit more overt about it and I'm that more aware of her in general.
She teases me much more on Wednesdays by pulling her night-shirt either up or off completely and it's usually taking my focus to her pussy these days too. I can only guess at how she is getting her release with him right now, a thought that has my cock positively hard and even leaking pre-cum right now.
We haven't talked about anything in terms of timing, just in general terms about how 'it might happen' and us talking about it in that sense.
Not sure what more to think right now. The question of what if she doesn't want to swap back is the one that gives me most cause for concern. It’s something that I don't think we're going to be able to resolve by talking about. It’s going to be more that we will need to get comfortable with the idea of it happening as a more important thing to guide us. No amount of talking will get around that.
In reality, anything that's going to happen will surely not be until September at the earliest.
******
We had a long talk when she came home on Thursday which has given me reason to think a bit more about everything.
She was all aglow when she came in and after we hugged and kissed a little she told me that she'd 'really needed' to be with him and she thanked me for being okay with it.
I hugged her again and told her that I liked that she was feeling so good.
As we got comfortable sitting in the kitchen she began to squirm around a little. She giggled at me as she got up and went into the next room. She came back a moment later adjusting her jeans and she dropped a tissue into the trash. She looked at me and nodded to confirm what I was thinking in my head, and said that, “ … I was so wet and needed to wipe up a little!”
We didn't talk about much more other than the news and how our days went, but when we went upstairs she turned and asked me, " … does it turn you on that I was with him and, you know, I'm.... 'wet'.... from him still?"
I groaned which gave her an unconditional yes.
She giggled and said she was glad but when we got into bed she turned to me and asked me if I still liked what we were doing.
I told her yes and how I loved that it was easier to talk to her about it.
That response encouraged her to ask me how I felt right then and I told her that I felt envious and jealous that he got to enjoy her but that I also felt incredibly aroused and that it felt really good to know that too.
She asked me if I wanted to 'jerk-off' (her words) and I told her that I had thought about it but that I was enjoying how I was feeling.
She looked at me and asked me why if I was so turned on wouldn't I want to cum and I told her something that I've said before but she didn't really understand until I said it again, that it was pleasurable to let myself be more and more turned on by her and that lying next to her, that I was enjoying thinking about all she'd done with him earlier and that I enjoyed being hard and horny about it.
It was the next few things we talked about that's made me think a bit.
She asked me if it felt good, better, to jerk-off after it'd been a while, like a few days or so of being horny.
I told her yes and that it’s some of what I'd told her about how I feel when I see her getting changed or in the bathroom or in the shower and to see her body but know I'm not going to have it, how that makes me even hornier at that time.
She giggled at knowing how I liked to feel horny around her and how she liked how it felt when she knew it; that she likes knowing I'm horny but respect her desires.
She asked again if it felt good to jerk-off and I told her that when I felt I needed to cum finally, that it was incredible and that sometimes it's been on Wednesdays but other times it's been when she's been out with him. It was when she asked me why I'd jerk-off if I knew I was going to have at least one fuck with her (so hot to hear her say 'one fuck with me') soon, “ … wasn't it worth the wait?”
I have to say it made me think because I surely know that in the past that is exactly what I would do but, now, it felt odd to tell her that I wanted to cum by my own doings and enjoy the moment.
She asked me if that was somehow better than doing it with her and asked, "Is it the condom baby?"
I had to tell her, “No, it's not the condom, it's more what's in my head and what I need at times to feel to really feel the need to cum and to want to masturbate instead of have intercourse with you.”
She giggled and said, “You’re silly then to make such a big deal out of some of what we've been talking about if that's really how you feel.”
The conversation sort of came to an end as we cuddled up and watched TV and, yes, there was no doubt she felt my hard cock against her back.
*****
She hasn't said anything since then but it's made me think, is that really how I feel? Is it really that satisfying to masturbate more than enjoy cumming in her even if it's in a condom? It's made me give a bit more pause to consider whether it might not be so bad to try relaxing about it and seeing how it is to give up sex with her for a little while.
I think that perhaps the thoughts 'for how long and how will I feel about it' has always been my stumbling block.
*****
… and once again I need to go find a fresh book. Stupid really, why did I choose these small notebooks to write my journals?
Just another mystery to be added to this journey!
*****
