Book 124
*******
*******
We talked more last night before, during and after our usual routine. I told her again how I wasn't sure I was ready for something that seemed like a big-step and she said she understood my concerns but that she still thinks it will be something that works for me.
She opened the door a little bit by saying, "it's not going to be never honey" and when she saw my questioning look she smiled and then said, "… but no more than just once or twice, you know, a year or so".
It felt very surreal to be talking like this and I told her so, that it seemed we were being a bit casual with something that I felt had much meaning and significance. She responded by asking me (yet again) about how I felt about my whole 'beta thing' but before I could answer she added that recently she'd seen me being much more calm and accepting of everything. Now, she said, she felt, as she'd said before, that I am fighting something that she thinks deep down inside I really want and would be good for me.
She kissed me and said, "You're no less of a man or husband to me if you don't cum in me baby".
I told her that it was more than just that (which I think it true).
She kind of nodded her agreement but added, "It's what it symbolizes and what it means, right honey?” and then she held my hands and said again how she feels it’s incredibly romantic what I've already been doing, saying, "it's just more of that honey, it doesn't mean anything about you....”
She looked at me again and once again asked me how I felt as a beta.
I told her that I thought we were doing really good and, yes, I told her that I liked how it felt between her and I knowing how she looks to Paul for her sexual fulfilment.
She asked me if I meant that and I was able to tell her that I did.
The more I talked, the more she listened and the easier it became to talk. I told her that I loved how she was working things out with Paul and that it felt good to me and I thanked her for not pushing things in other directions or not pushing me totally out of her bed.
That made her laugh and she leaned over and kissed me and said, "you're silly, I want all of you ...." then with a teasing tone "... well, not your cum.... and not so much your cock..... but the rest of you, I love!"
Then she asked me, "Your turn, can you tell me what you feel or what it makes you feel?"
She stood next to the bed and as she pushed her panties down, said, " .. can you tell me how you feel about maybe not cumming in here." With that she pushed forward, took both hands and framed her pussy teasing the lips apart.
If I wasn't stroking already, I surely was after that. She lay down next to me, naked and breathing heavy herself, and told me she was horny from not seeing Paul as much. She giggled and said, "… maybe I'll take it out on you and tell you all about it".
I must have had a look on my face because she immediately said, "I'm just talking to you baby, nothing else" and she patted my hand as to tell me to keep stroking.
I told her again how I wasn't sure I was ready to give up, or rather, go down to just one or two times a year to cum in her to which she giggled and responded by saying, "well, beta, it's not really your choice, it's something I'd like you to agree to though".
I didn't say anything but I did get the feeling from how she'd said it that she was more serious about it than I may have thought.
She giggled again and said, "we'll have fun honey, I can tease you about it afterwards and ..." looking at me added, "... I know it will turn you on that much more when you know it's for real .... but if you're not ready yet, then that's okay, we can still have fun the way it is." With that she leaned towards me and said, "I can still get you horny as hell this way...." and kissed my cheek and sort of tickled my ear with her tongue.
She pulled back and looked at me jerking off and she told me how erotic it was to watch a guy masturbate but how it was even more erotic to be watching me, saying," … after so long now on Wednesdays, I really love to watch you honey …. and I love seeing what turns you on the most".
She watched me for a few moments and then leaned closer and whispered, "I think it really does turn you on, doesn't it honey? You know, to think that maybe you won't get to cum in me anymore....."
After a moment she added, "... ever."
I didn't mean to but couldn't help let out a moan.
She whispered, "It really is beautiful, just like you tell me, when I get to watch you cum." She leaned down towards me once more and said, "I love seeing your cum go all over but you know what turns me on more?."
I moaned back, "uh huh"
She giggled and said, "I like thinking of how it used to all be inside me and how that was so important to you".
She kissed me again only this time very passionately and said, "but I love how things have changed and how that's going to be something very special for you in the future, honey."
I admit that in the heat of the moment, I get carried away too either in my own head or in conversation; it's so easy once we get comfortable to talk to her and just let my thoughts flow. I told her, "Yeah, I know, it's really exciting".
She smiled at that and said, "mmm baby, I knew it would turn you on".
I managed to tell her that I loved the thought of it and how it'd feel between us and she cooed and said, "Tell me more baby."
And so I did, as I stroked away I told her how turned on I was at times when I thought about it.
She playfully moaned, teased me and said, "let me see all that cum tonight honey, get it really going baby... I want to see you cum."
As I stroked away she kept talking, "you know baby, once you say okay to it, I’m really going to start to tease you about it, will that be okay?”
I grunted and was quickly moving to being so worked up that I couldn't reply. She leaned up on her elbow as she watched and then continued talking, "you'll see all my wet panties and you'll know none of it is from you".
I have to say I haven't seen her this animated in a while but I also felt it was coming. She cooed at me, "All you need to do is say okay baby. You know, then I'll probably let you see and even touch more of me, you know, after I’m done."
She then said something that I had been wondering about and something she'd said before that, "maybe then I won't feel so obligated at times to you know, let you have me....".
In my head it was about me having her bare but I later realized she could have meant more by it. I managed to groan back and say something like, "I’m still scared a bit".
She giggled and said, "That’s okay baby, we'll get there … " and added, "… I still think you're ready and we just need to work on it a little bit more".
I was pretty close and she knew it. She leaned in really close and said in this incredibly sexy voice, "I love the thought of you not cumming in me honey, it's just so crazy".
I don't know what it was, maybe it was everything in my head or what she'd teased me about or it all combined, but as she said that was all I needed to hear, it set off a chain of events that resulted in me exploding a fountain of cum and a second later her squealing, "oh yeah, just like that, oh that's really hot to see".
As I lay there almost gasping for breath I knew that we had turned a corner for the thing was whereas she'd normally get into playing with my cum and cleaning me up, last night as I lay there with a load of cum all over my stomach one of the first things she said was that, " … you're going to be doing that more for me in the future honey, I love watching you".
******
After we were done last night I took the time to ask the proverbial question, “why the sudden push for this next step?” that there was something more to this because, "… this is already sort of what we're doing already. My suspicion was that she wants to now say it's something more formal, real or permanent. I asked her why....
Her response was to say she had been waiting for me to ask that question and that answer got my attention as that wasn't what I was expecting to hear. I also was concerned that she followed without any hesitation, "Good ... are you receptive to the idea?"
I nodded without really giving it too much thought.
She went on to say that she wants this because it turns her on. That simple explanation was both reassuring to me as well as being a bit concerning but she went on to say that it's been a long time since she felt this way about 'something as relates to me sexually' and that she could feel how it turned me on. She said that she liked how it feels to be able to do that to me.
I told her that she had turned me on all this time and that this 'decision' as she was starting to call it wasn't really necessary. I told her that it had turned me on ever since she first slept with 'that guy in Boston' which made her blush.
She turned to me and said, "yeah, but this is the first thing that I've really wanted and that I came up with and that turns me on too".
She then went on telling me how it made her feel to know how this affected me and how it made me feel; that it had taken her a while to realize how it made her feel. This led her to tell me that she knows that for a long time as she went along with what turned me on, that over time; it eventually became something that she learned to be turned on herself about.
She said that this is one of the first times she's found and felt something of her own that she is turned on about. She looked at me and said pretty coldly, "and it turns me on to have you not cum inside me". She followed (and I know she'd been saying it to me for a while) that she felt really good about 'us' and that is why she feels okay about asking about this now.
I sensed there was something else when she told me how she felt about finally having something that she felt turned her on as well as knowing it was having the same effect on me. She said, "It's been a long time baby since I've been able to make you feel this way ..." and giggled, "… it’s fun and I want it to be good for both of us".
She then reminded me of our New Years Eve vows (which we had never really talked about) and pointed out that, “… we'd sort of agreed to this already.”
Before I could say anything more, she turned the tables on me and asked me, "come on honey, it's not something to be scared of. If it doesn't work for us, then we won't do it".
I told her that I still wasn't sure why she needed me to make this big decision as opposed to just carrying on with doing what we've been doing for the past couple of years.
She looked at me and said that she knows it scares me, " … but it's not going to be never again" then went on to say that she wanted it to be something that wasn't expected at all when, and if, it happens.
She moved closer and hugged me and said, "can we focus on what turns you on about it baby and not what you're scared of?" and told me that she was sure that as a man that it would be concerning that I might 'not get to feel that again' before saying, " … but baby, I know it turns you on to think about it so I think you should relax about it; let's try it out and if you're not ready then it's okay, we can keep talking about it. She giggled, " … it's going to be fun when you're ready baby, I think you're going to love it".
She did start to talk about that feeling of being obligated again and she was honest and said that it wasn't like the last time when she felt she needed to break free of this feeling of being obliged, but that in some ways it did feel the same.
She told me that just as I felt conflicted, that she too did. She says that after a long time or a weekend away with Paul, that she says she still feels like she needs to not just have sex with me (which we talked more about) but that she admitted that she has that same feeling at times of being obligated to let me have her bare.
She said she knows it was silly but at the same time she said that it was something she felt and that I should know it; that things have been better between us in general since her last epiphany related to feeling compelled to do things.
I told her in response that I do know she feels better about herself and I admitted that it turned me on when I knew she felt that way; that she didn't want to have sex with me after coming home from being with Paul. However, I told her that just like that situation, that she shouldn't ever feel obligated.
She smiled and said, "that's what I'm trying to say to you" and it made me realize that she's okay with telling me to use condoms and expressing herself like that, that this 'big decision' is really the same issue; that she wants to know that she needn't feel that way. I realized for myself that this is very much how she approached it last time too where she wanted a clean-break for a while so she could feel confident about herself and us when she would tell me she didn't want to have sex with me.
Whether she could express it that way, I'm not sure, but as she talked, it became clear to me where this was coming from and what she felt she wanted.
I’m not saying any of this makes any sense. I never really brought in to it the last time she was focused on this feeling of obligation but I did have to admit that it did seem to help her better relate to me and to feel more 'normal' being together at times when she had previously felt that sort of emotion.
I was going to try to talk about more but also realized that there was little point in that, just like last time, when she has a feeling or a need or a desire that seems to consume her, there didn't seem to be any point in changing her mind from it and that I am already accepting that she's going to want this fulfilled before we go elsewhere.
******
I keep reminding myself that she's said several times that 'if it's not working then we can change it' but at the same time I know that I'm not really being given a choice one way or the other, rather I'm being asked ,'When?'
I asked her if this was anything to do with Paul to which she responded saying that she did feel it was going to enhance things between them as she was going to tell him what we were doing adding, " .. I'm sure he would find it something hot too!"
She said that he's asked about me at times and, “.. that he's said that it's very cool that we can have fun like this. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with what we're talking about".
I answered her back by saying, "yeah, he would say that; he's the one getting to fuck you".
She giggled, "yes, but he's sincere about you and even he's said that you seem pretty into what we are doing … you just need to relax a bit more about it".
******
I thought all the 'talking' was done for the evening when later we were lying spooned up watching TV and she whispered, "what do you think about July 4th?”
I told her that we could do what we usually do and go with the kids to a fireworks show.
She giggled and said, "no silly, you know, from what we talking about before, what if July 4th was the last time?”
She put her hand behind her back and ran it down and she felt my cock feeling a little swollen even after masturbating earlier and she giggled and snuggled back against me when I didn’t answer.
******
My first thought at a response was to say that it's not a done-deal yet but I think the reality of the situation is that now I’m likely to say yes. I'm still not totally sure but a part of me also feels that maybe she is right and is this what I (we) both want?
I think it makes sense and I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn me on but I'm going to need to shed some of this apprehension before I can give my agreement. Maybe she's right, maybe I'm making more out of this than need be and that I'm over responding but, on the other hand, when I think about it, the misgivings come straight back.
I took my mind back to that New Years Eve (now a year and a half ago) and recalled what we'd said to each other. We had said then that we would make it seem real but at the same time I know that we both didn't feel it at the time and that it was more of a turn-on for both of us as part of the role play-acting.
I also remembered how aroused I was and how it felt to let myself think that may have been the last time. I know it's going to sound crazy but it makes me unbelievably turned on to think about it!
Maybe she's right; she finds it as a romantic feeling but, for me, I can't exactly describe it other than to say that thinking about it makes me feel so incredibly horny.
She wants to talk about it more later tonight and says that she wants to be sure I'm okay about everything.
******
Last week left me feeling very uncertain and the more time that goes by, the more I feel I haven't heard everything from her. On Friday night I again asked Suzanna for answers and this time I told her that I needed to hear the truth. I'm not sure I was totally ready for what she had to say and to be honest, it's left me in an even more uncomfortable place.
When I pressed Suzanna to make it short her first response was to say she wasn't sure I was ready for the truth. I pushed her more and then she owned up and admitted that there's more with her and Paul than she's let me onto knowing about.
My first response was to almost explode and tell her that I thought she wasn't going to go down this road again and that if she was that much into him, I yelled at her to, "Go live with him then."
There followed a period of stony silence but then we both calmed down and began to talk more rationally. I told her that I thought she was going to 'keep an eye on things' and that they wouldn't get out of hand.
She in turn insisted that she is NOT in love with him but that she does have feelings for him. It was what she said next that really got to me and it was that what we spend the rest of the weekend talking about and me trying to understand more.
It was blunt and to the point. She said if the truth was what I wanted, and 'she hoped it didn't hurt me', but, "I don't want to have sex with you at all right now. "I’m not talking about just right now honey, but all the time."
I said nothing and she carried on and said that such thoughts had started a while back (even before Paul); of how she'd begun to feel a little of being the Alpha when she was with Robert. She said that it was when I began to talk 'about this beta thing' that it took her a while to realize it was the same thing she'd been feeling just from her side.
She held me closely and said that it wasn't that she didn't or doesn't love me, actually far from that, and went on to say that after the way the sex was with Robert and then with how things happened with Paul, "What do you expect?"
She said having sex with those two guys, Robert and Paul (not at the same time!) , " … has given me the best sex I've ever had …. yes honey, better than with you."
She tried to backtrack and blunt the sting by saying that she still loved my cock and that I can still make her cum like no one else really can. She then blew me away by adding, "But right now honey, it's not something I want that much of."
She continued, "It’s that obligation thing I mentioned. It’s not that I have to take you bare sometimes honey, it’s also the fact that I actually have to have sex with you is what I'm dealing with there." She said that many times, especially lately and especially after she's been with Paul for an overnight or a longer time, that she says she just doesn't want to have to have sex with me afterwards.
I asked her why if that was the case had she lied to me for so long.
Her response was to say it wasn't lying, that she had said such things before because she loves me and didn't want to hurt me. She said that her suggestion of me using condoms full-time was that she had hoped it might lead to a discussion about 'why bother in the first place' and her hope that I would gradually accept that we were just going to have sex less and less until we came to the point of me not bothering at all. Now that I had pushed her she felt she should just tell me.
So I asked her, “What does this mean for us?”
She looked at me and as if it were nothing she said, "It means you won't get to have sex with me. This is what you wanted all along; it's what you were pushing me towards for so long, truly what you wanted as the 'beta'."
I interrupted saying, “No, that isn’t right,” but before I could say more she stopped me and asked, “Are you just saying that or have you really thought about it?”
She held my hand, looked at me and said, “Honey, we can go on as we are and still have sex like we do, we can keep things as they are and not use condoms every once in a while but you need to think about this; you need to tell me how you feel."
I was confused but rational enough to then ask her, " … but if we do that, then you're telling me it's something that you would rather not do?!"
She nodded slowly and said, "Yes and I’m sorry I haven’t been totally honest with you.”
As I absorbed this 'confession' she tried to pacify me by saying things like how 'she definitely still loves my cock'; loves having sex with me and, yes, she most definitely still orgasms with me; that while she enjoys it and would surely do it because she knows I enjoy or need it, she said that, "being honest, it's not something I now find myself wanting".
She could see my confusion and tried to make amends by saying, "Honey, yes, when we're away or we're alone or romantic, that 'it'll happen then baby', we'll still have sex."
She then put me in my place by adding, “It's just not something I find myself thinking about or wanting now when Paul is in the picture!”
I haven't given her any sort of conclusion just yet, but she's said that she would like us to try to sort all this out during this week.
******
I'm hurt, of course I am, but the cause of my hurt is more from her not telling me how she felt than how she feels, not sure if that makes any sense. She's said a thousand times up till Sunday how she didn't want to hurt me but that my continually asking about it has made her realize she needed to accept what she's feeling too and not so much to throw it in my face, but at least tell me about it and be honest.
I don't know what I feel right now. She's said that when we have had sex that she's never faked any of it. Indeed she giggled when she said it and assured me that the sex between us is always good and that part, she says, confuses her too.
So that part has always been real for us as well as the physical reconnection because while she now says she doesn't want sex with me in the same breath she said she knows that we both need it at times. Confusing or what?
She insists that she has no desire to leave me or change anything … well, anything other than our sexual relationship. We talked about Robert too and she admits she has similar feelings but that Paul doesn't want anything more than what they have now; she even admitted this that, " … he just likes to fuck me mainly." She insists that her feelings for him are mainly physical and that she doesn't have the same sort of budding emotional desires that she admitted to having about Robert.
I calmed down andI told her I was hurt by it all but that it was more to do with her not telling me everything that hurt much more than anything else.
She tried to explain by saying she became aware of how she felt earlier this year when on the ski-trip and the aftermath made her realize that she had really not wanted to have sex with me that week after we got back. She said she wasn't sure of what she was feeling or how to explain or tell it to me yet.
She trailed off the topic and then asked me how was I feeling and what was I thinking.
I told her honestly that I thought this was coming and that her request for more condom use and less sex was a step towards it. It felt good to remind her what she'd said to me a while back, that I thought if it happened slowly and we took steps towards it, that when it did happen, that it wouldn't be such a big shock. I then told her that I was still thinking it was further off and I told her that in my head I'd thought it would be something that would evolve over the next year or two.
Me saying that caused her to her laugh a bit about what I was thinking and where my mind was. She said if I was thinking that way it would mean she'd have been with Paul for almost 4 years by then. She looked at me and said that I must feel okay about Paul to see that far into the future and that she was sorry for jumping the gun but again pointed that it was my insistence on her telling me everything.
It was kind of weird because she looked at me and said, "You knew what I was going to tell you didn't you? I knew this is what you wanted when you told me that you wanted to be the beta.”
She reminded me that I told her I wanted this very thing, for her to want him to fulfil her sexual needs instead of me. She asked me if it was something I still felt.
I couldn't speak so I just nodded and when she saw that she asked me if this was too much or was she going too far in listening to what I'd wanted?
I felt myself burning up inside but I looked at her and told her I was scared; told her I was scared that I didn't know what I wanted; told her that I didn't want to lose her.
She immediately replied, " that's never going to happen, no matter what". She held my hands and told me I could tell her anything.
I think I had a tear in my eye as I struggled with what I wanted to say, that it turned me on so much just to think about it.
She held me and told me to just talk and let it all out and say what it was that was in my head. So I did. I told her how I couldn't live without her and how I needed her. With her encouragement I let myself start to talk about everything.
I don't know if it was as cathartic as it felt at the time but I told her that it turned me on to think about her wanting just Paul and how I may have to wait to have sex with her again at some point.
She didn't respond much but encouraged me to go on. I can't remember the exact words but I know that I told her that I loved the idea of her wanting him instead of me and that it turned me on what she'd asked about condoms. I told her what I'd said earlier that I had thought this was going to happen and I admitted that it turned me on and that I'd long masturbated to the thoughts of her pussy being only for him. I also told her I was scared at that step and what it meant for us and what it would mean in general. I also told her that I still have these lingering concerns at how this was making me feel as a man versus being a cuckold.
She told me that she had many of the same feelings and then reminded me that we are a strong couple because of just that; it is the same things that turn us both on as it has been forever.
There was something very true about that and in that moment it made me realize that in many ways everything we'd done so far we'd done as a couple. Yes, she may have pushed things with some of the guys she was with, but it always felt like something we were doing together. She said that I should have known that because of that and that's the way it's been forever.
It's true, I willingly learned to like and enjoy things she was into and the same for her in things that I was into. In many ways, her own feelings mirrored mine and it made me realize it was directly related to what she'd long said to me, that she likes the same things as I do but just from her own point of view.
I don't know how to explain it, but sharing that discussion and realizing that her desires with Paul are, in many ways, my own desires for her with Paul made me accept I don't necessarily need to be scared. It was also how she expressed it to me that I don't think she realized that I had some of these same feelings. She absorbed those thoughts and I'm guessing that they surprised her in a way. However, it didn't change how either of us felt at the moment but it did change how I felt inside.
*******
We haven't reached any decisions but she told me she's going to see Paul this evening when our ******** is at work. I didn't see any reason for her not to go see him as nothing's going to change between now and then. To be honest, it turned me on to think that she'll tease me about it later tonight.
And it is that which is that it's making me realize that I need to be honest with myself. For all of my trepidations, it turns me on incredibly to think about accepting her request regarding condoms. I am not saying that I never want to feel her pussy bare again but I am trying to get myself to accept that I do want to try it. I do want the feeling of it being for real, that it's no longer an option and no longer something I should think, wonder or worry about.
I have told her before that the thought of her only having Paul's semen in her (unlikely but possibly forever) is a thought that makes me crazy with arousal and, yes, makes me want to give my full approval.
*******
I think what scares me is what I really do want to experience. I know it's not possible but it makes me feel very self-******* when I know that had she become pregnant from a lover that I likely would have been turned on by it. It just kind of scares me in a crazy way, almost as crazy as it makes me to be aroused by that thought.
*******
It's just as upsetting and yet incredibly arousing to feel turned on by her admitting she is thinking of just wanting Paul sexually. I guess it's like walking on the edge of a cliff but as long as she holds onto my hand, it's fun to lean out over the edge. I think I'm scared to admit it.
What's more important is that it’s out in the open now and, as she agreed and admitted, it's not something we need to decide now, just something that is now something we need to talk about.
One thing - I didn't mention it yet intentionally - is that through all of this she's said that we still need to reconnect physically and that means, as she put it, that, "we'll still fuck a few times baby. That's not negotiable".
I know what she means; she didn't need to explain any further. Maybe that's what's also in the back of my mind reassuring me that it might be okay to say yes - to walk leaning off the cliff - because there will be those times when we will reconnect. I already know how I'm going to feel those times. Is that enough; will it work; will it help or will it make things worse? I don't know but I think I'll find out more tonight.
She's apologized enough that I am past the hurt of her not telling me sooner about what she's feeling. Now, in a way, I feel a desire, almost a need, to resolve it and get everything out in the open.
******
Our talk since then has been dominated by questions and surrounded with my expectations of the future. As Suzanna pointedly asked me, "what did you think was going to happen?"
Between my own 'coming out' with my beta desires, coupled with, as she put it '4+ years of great sex, first with Robert and now with Paul' she added on that it's now been years where her lovers have been quite capable. She also made the point that it's now been at least 4 years where she's been with her lover(s) far more than with me. On top of that she made it a point last night to remind me that Paul and Robert were both able to cum at least twice in a night!
Suzanna told me several times to think about how she has been feeling with such virile lovers and she reminded me that the last times she spent the night with Paul, that he fucked her 3 times in not much more than an overnight visit and that was after she had let him cum in her mouth!
Being reminded of this I think for me the biggest thing is to accept that my beta-desires have been fulfilled and that she has done just as I asked.
Her question, 'what did I expect would happen?'
I guess I have to accept, 'This'.
I know there's a lot more in her head that she's now just coming to terms with, one of which I guess is the official demotion of me sexually.
The thing is, for as concerned as I am about it all, it almost feels as if this is what is supposed to happen. Maybe for a cuck who accepts his beta-wishes, that this is the outcome.
I still believe what she says that it's mainly physical and I can understand that and accept that she's not lying about that aspect. I can only hope she is being honest about the emotional parts.
******
We aren't rushing into anything right now, she's agreed to keeping things the same for now even if I know that some of her actions with me aren't necessarily truly mutual. I think her knowing how I am feeling and understanding my anxiety is what I need most now even though I sense she's not being honest with me and that there's more than she is telling me about regarding her feelings towards Paul.
A part of me knows that is likely true, I'm not totally stupid or blind to it. I know that a lot more than the weather has been talked about and shared between them. I also know that I'm aroused by that, knowing that they've shared some of what was only mine before is a huge turn on to me.
******
I'm having to turn a blind-eye to her having feelings for him that go beyond just the physical. She's long said that what happens between her legs is different than what happens in her heart, but I know that now, a part of her heart is also likely his too.
While we have agreed to have this honesty and sense of just openness and sincerity to what she says to me, that thought really does disarm and worry me if it's true and for real.
******
I may not be describing how I'm feeling about everything by just suggesting I'm uncomfortable but that isn’t exactly an accurate description. I think maybe the word uncertain may be more applicable. Suzanna is most-definitely making sure of my comfort in every way including trying her best to explain to me how she feels and trying to assuage my feelings of being somehow emasculated in all of this.
I recognize that even what she's talking about wanting to happen, that it isn't going to be permanent. That's one thing I feel clearly from her and how she explains what she's feeling, that she understands that (for us at least) we both have a need to reconnect physically at times. I know that with or without a condom I need to feel her that way at times and she has made it clear that she feels the same.
******
I am a little hesitant to say that her suggested schedule might be a bit too long for me. I've been honest with her and said that I need to fuck her at least once every 3 months or so to feel connected and close to her. I even apologized for it but it's perhaps the first time I've told her it in just so many words.
She smiled and said she clearly felt the same but she did say that she felt her time-frame was longer than that but wholly agreed that it's something we both need to enjoy together. As we talked about it she said again what she'd always been saying that, "if you need it, then I'm here for you honey".
I looked at her and asked her if she ever felt the 'need' with me and she smiled and said an honest, "yes honey, I do, and it's out of love and loving you, not just being horny." and explained that it was something she still felt and understood the need for.
So while I understand what she wants seems somewhat extreme, at the same time, hearing, feeling and knowing this makes it easier and, dare I say, makes it hornier to think about.
******
In all honesty the thing that scares me most is how I feel about things. I am conflicted because I've always considered myself a masculine kind of guy who's in good shape, works out a lot, exercises in general and likes 'guy things' and all of that. Now I’m thinking of all of this beta-stuff has clearly been just below the surface for a long time (if not forever) and it scares me that maybe this is more the real me? I think all along I've felt kind of weird and scared in a way that as a masculine kind of guy at the same time I am turned on by my wife being with other guys. It just seems so contradictory to me that, in my head 'real guys shouldn't want this' kind of thing.
More recent thoughts have added a lot more clarity and made me see this as more of the long-term thing rather than something more flash-in-the-pan and it just has given me pause for concern. How can a guy who has loved fucking women and enjoyed using his big cock in almost 25 women in his life, how can that same guy now come to terms with being aroused by being denied that pleasure? It’s even weirder for me because I can so see myself enjoying the more explicit and more complete denial by Suzanna.
I admit that there is some kind of incredible arousing complete horny feeling I have about being denied sex with her; knowing Paul will be replacing me, fully, for some period of time. I find myself thinking each time we now have infrequent sex, about how it would feel to know that may be the last time.
******
I have read and re-read my journals from the last two New Years Eve's where we talked about this and sort of acted it out and each time it leaves me wanting it more. Just this morning seeing her emerge from the shower naked; seeing her body; seeing her (still) bare pussy and thinking that I may not get to feel it had my cock rock hard.
It isn't that I'm not comfortable with it. It's that I think I'm scared to accept that it turns me on, to think of my wife like that hooker back at the frat-party, letting the other guy(s) cum in her but not me. I think that if I knew for sure it would be something for a finite period of time, I could definitely see letting it happen, even wanting it to happen, but I don't know that I'm ready for it to become a true reality and then to find out 3 months later that it isn't something we can turn back from quite so easily. Not that it is what would happen but, as with everything, it's something we need to talk about and what the safety-valves and the safe-words would be as the slippery-slope may well be getting a lot steeper.
So, yes, I'm hesitant but at the same time, the thought of sharing her permanently like this, I have to admit if I (we) could be more assured of how it would work out, I would clearly say yes to trying it out.
I know, it sounds crazy to say it, that I would give up that much with her to enjoy it differently but I would … and just thinking and writing about it makes my cock feel like a rock!
******
It wasn't a mistake letting her see Paul last Wednesday and it's not a mistake that she's seeing him again tonight. Our ******** is working part-time in the mall at a clothing-shop, so her days and hours are variable but Suzanna isn't seeing Paul every time our ******** is working which is a good thing. However, trying to say it needs to end abruptly would be a mistake.
At the moment nothing has changed other than us talking more about what we might be doing in the future so I don't know why I would want to tell her to see him less right now just because of what we are talking about. Actually because she's not jumping off to see him more on her own and taking advantage of our ******** being absent makes it a nice thing to feel about all of this.
******
Last Wednesday night was mainly spent with me trying to tell her how it made me feel to know she'd been with him earlier and was now enjoying the after-glow of their fun as she watched me masturbate and pleasure myself. She left her panties on but let me see the darkened area between her legs as she told me of what they'd done.
In between her encouragements she told me about her afternoon with him; of his prowess; of how he'd been satisfied and how wet she was from his attentions as I lay there next to her. I told her that knowing she was lying next to me having come from being with him and that her pussy was likely full of his cum was making me very horny.
It didn't take much of her teasing for me to cum and for her to squeal as I lay there spurting all over my stomach and my hands. After I had gotten my breath back she smiled and stated the obvious, that I obviously enjoyed all of what she told me and how excited I became when we spoke about where we were going.
She looked me in the eye and said, “Then, why are you always fighting it?”
And I think for me that's where the real issue lies; can I truly let go of this view of what a man is that it's somehow not okay to enjoy my wife's open sexuality with her lover?
*******
Damn, another book filled and so much more to be written. Guess I need to be making a trip to the stationery store!
*******
