Journal of a Journey - Book 99

I'm becoming more anxious the longer we don't have sex together but, at the same time, sharing moments like we have when she is next to me, sharing her excitement while I masturbate, it's almost like actually having sex with that deep connecting release together. It is exhilarating and quite satisfying in many other ways, especially to feel her against me, to feel her bare breasts and her hard nipples against me and she knows it too. Last night was the first time I've truly felt her sexually now in over a month and I have told her several times since that it was really a moment that really resonated with me.

She's said the same thing. She admits that she feels horny around me but at the same time that she really wants to feel that she can control herself and she appreciates that I've done nothing but support her and even encouraged her.

I may have also underplayed that she does want this to be good for me; that comes through loud and clear as she talks to me and adjusts what she says and does in accordance with my responses. There's no way to hide that all of this still turns me on so. I know that if I told her that I needed her and had pushed her back against the bed, that definitely she would have had no qualms about letting me have sex with her. Despite all her bravado and showmanship, under it all, there is still a palpable sense that she wants this to be good for me and us.

We talked a bit more last night in bed and she even asked me if it wasn't better and easier to lie together in bed now that it's more clear that we aren't going to have sex together. She saw that my cock was hard beneath my boxers and she pulled up her night-shirt and teasingly 'showed me' that she was wet too but she quickly covered up, pulled me to her and giving me a hug said, "… that it's good for both of us to put sex aside as something that we both want instead of something that we both feel we needed to have."

I admitted to her that often long ago I did feel as if I needed to have her right as soon as when she got home. She looked at me and said that she knew I felt that and how my desires started to change a bit over time. She added that she figured when I was ready to let go of that feeling and needs would be the time when I came out with my beta desires. She said something that, if anything, my ability to open up and say what I wanted was something that made her take a look at herself and come to the realizations she has.

Will we go back to normal vanilla sex? I don't know; I just don't know that either of us could go back to doing just that. She admits she wants to have other men at least some of the time and for now, I don't mind that at all. With us not having sex, I've become incredibly aware of what I am missing and have given up that she is still sharing with Paul. Right now, that still turns me on incredibly.

I don't feel like she's leaving me out. If anything, these past few weeks have made it easier to deal with because of how open she is being with me. It's a journey we are both on for right now. I will say that sitting out back last night with a bottle of wine on the deck enjoying a warm spring evening was quite relaxing whereas in the past I admit I'd have spent the evening anticipating taking her to bed. Now, knowing to not even think about it now has made things quite different in how we relate to each other and how happy I am spending time with her not trying to think about how to get in her panties.


She is at Paul’s tonight and, yes, again tomorrow night. The short of it is that we have these last 3 weeks before the kids come home where she has the freedom to do this, to spend Tuesday and Wednesday night with him.

I asked her openly, and came straight to the point, if she had developed feelings for him, if things had progressed beyond it being just sex. She was honest and said that she does not love him and has no long-term desire for him but, at the same time, she said that she is really into the sex with him. It was how she said it that made me understand that she's telling me the truth and she added that it is just she wanted to happen with him. She set no end-point but again, the conversation convinced me that even if the end is not yet in sight, that she understands that there is one, at least one to the current state of affairs.

My thoughts after talking to her at more length is that she may want to have him as a lover for a longer period of time than I'd originally thought. From her way of expressing things, this is maybe the first indication he may be a long-term person in our lives.

She asked me in return if I was enjoying my beta-status. That is when I expressed my desires to have her/them at our place and also when I told her that I had thought things would be different, that it wouldn't be exclusive but that I would still have some sexual contact.

She giggled and said that she felt she was going to 'figure myself out' and harked back to the kids coming home soon which again leads me back to my thoughts of the reason why she's accelerating things these next few weeks.

When I asked her that, she said that she hasn't thought things all the way out yet but we talked for a bit also about what will happen after the kids are home. She pointed out that it is 10 weeks for the summer and said that she was hoping she'd still be able to see him somehow. We exchanged ideas of the possibilities, such as her and I going out on a standing date but it being really when we'd go to his place. That fell right into line with the earlier discussion about him coming here too. We also agreed that she could use some 'PTO time' (Personal Time-off) to see him if she felt it was needed. She smiled at that and said ,"let’s talk about that when the time comes" which again, I translated as meaning it having a sooner rather than later end.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree since I feel like a dog chasing its tail as our discussions go round and round in circles. The simple fact is I am enjoying what we're doing for the time being and no, I don't want to push issues with her and tell her that I need her when, at the moment, I really don't feel that way. That wouldn't be honest on my part and would convey something very different than how things are to Suzanna. I am sure if she saw that I suddenly needed to feel her again without giving other reasons, that she might change direction and that this isn't okay for me or us.

If I had to describe Mr. Right, it'd be the attitude of Dan (I still think she'd like a more dominant guy), Robert's cock (overall size), Paul's technique, but, if I remember correctly, she gloated about how much Glenn, her summer paramour, would cum in her. I will be humble and admit that given a choice of just cock only, that she may opt for Robert as she's shown herself to be a bit of a 'size queen'!

I will also note that while I always appreciated (and was turned on since before we even met and I knew she'd been with other guys I worked with) that she fucked many other guys and almost always took them bare. Now, it no longer seems weird to say that I enjoy knowing that.

It really doesn't faze me that she fucks Paul like she does. No more than it's bothered me about the tens of other guys in her past, some of whom she still talks fondly of. So her fondness of Paul right now, while it seems crazy in some ways, that she's there wanting him to fuck the life out of her tonight. As weird as that sounds, honestly, that part gets to me the least.

I do miss fucking her; I do miss it all but at the same time, I am not yet at the breaking point and I AM still enjoying this while she at the same time says she is resolving her issues.

Are they real or contrived? Doesn't really matter to me; they seem real to her, or real enough to let her use them to justify what she is doing, either way, she wants to fuck him right now and she has made it clear that in the next 3 weeks she wants it a lot.

I've gone this far, these next few weeks really are more of an arousal at seeing her getting more and more worked up than anything else.


She may get a 3rd night with Paul this week if she invites him over this coming weekend. As far as having a 3rd night during the week, I suppose if she wanted it she'd ask for it but to be honest, I'm finding two nights away from her away is hard enough.

Sometimes I wonder about this rediscovery thing of hers. At times she seems very serious about it but our conversation yesterday as I said included her asking me about how it felt to be the beta and whether it was what I had hoped it would be.

I told her was that while it's difficult for me at times, that I was enjoying things so far and, yes, I surely missed feeling her in all ways. I told her at the same time I am also incredibly aroused and horny about her all the time.

She asked how I felt other than sex and as we talked it seemed she wanted to make sure that in other areas that things hadn't changed. I surprised her and told her they had, which caught her off guard, until I added some of the things I've shared here that I am pleasantly enjoying with her.

Her response was, "that's good, I'm glad you are understanding me". It was a spontaneous response which brings me back to thinking that maybe she really is figuring herself out like she said.

She surprised me and told me that she, in some ways, feels more sexually aware of me than before. When I pushed her to explain, she said that because I seem to be so open and able to now say what I am feeling and 'enjoying' by not being with her that she feels she's more aware of me. She said that being there with me when I masturbate, even though it's not directly stimulating her, that it does make her feel horny and aroused. I asked her if that was a conflict for her and she answered me very poignantly and said, no, that it's what she wants to learn to feel that it's okay about (meaning that she merely watch and encourage me but that she doesn't feel she has to participate). So I guess that's the crux of it for her, to get herself where she doesn't feel this unsaid obligation.

That was the 'heavy' part of the conversation. (There was more but that's enough for now). What she didn't hide was that she likes the sex with him and that she is really happy that she can share that with me, of the several different ways now, and how she enjoys being quite explicit with me; now, enjoying that she doesn't have to 'put out' to me and that she can enjoy how she feels afterwards.

She rarely misses an opportunity to give me a little tease and she was quite glowing about his oral skills and told me in several different ways how his tongue feels. She made no secret about telling me how it is fucking him, how different his shape is and of course, how he can make her moan and cum like crazy.

The thing I never hear from her is anything about him having other fun with him. There's never a talk about doing something next week; next month, etc., there's never a talk of 'he and I were....' It’s almost as if she regards him as being just a human dildo.

I think I will start to think about him that way.

I'm tired but yet know I'll toss and turn all night long without her.


I just got home from work and am hopefully heading over a buddy's house for a few beers and to watch some sports tonight for a while to pass the time. Should he ask I’ll tell my buddy that Suzanna is out with girlfriends and that they went to the movies and to the diner afterwards? I'll be home by about 10pm in time for her call usually about 10:30pm.


I got home and she called right on time at 10:30pm. She's gotten a bit more playful when she calls. Last night when I asked how she was doing she said, "mmm, very nice" and told me about her day She then told me that she's relaxing right then in just her camisole and panties while lying on his bed. I begrudgingly asked where he was and she told me he was in his office-room checking on things and giving her some privacy to call me.

She still says she hasn't told him anything more about what we're doing but I'll have to ask her again as Paul seems pretty accommodating to her and relaxed with what she's told him so far.

It was nice talking to her, she didn't seem rushed at all and no, I didn't ask about what 'they'd done' sexually before she made the call but from how she sounded, they were either done or taking a break because she had this very relaxed tone about her that really only happens after she's had an orgasm or two.

I was horny talking to her and told her so. Obviously she had asked me about my night and she also asked me if I was going to 'take care of yourself' before bed. I gave her the obvious answer of 'yes'. She moaned softly and told me that it turned her on to hear that and she also giggled and said, "leave some for tomorrow" so I am eager for her to come home this evening and hopefully repeat the last 2 weeks pattern.

Despite thoughts of not doing so, my hard-on in bed last night was fuelled by all sorts of thoughts in my head. No matter what, a good cum before bed does help you sleep and, strangely, despite tossing and turning without her there, once I fell asleep, I slept pretty soundly.

She will usually send me an email when she gets to work and then call later on so I'm waiting for that before I can really settle into my day.

I’m thinking of buying her a gift of Lingerie for Mothers Day, something nice and sexy. It would certainly be very sexy if after unwrapping the gift that she wore them for his benefit before eventually making a tease to me about having already enjoyed wearing them for Paul!


If her actions from this past Thursday evening were any example, then she is already starting to weaken and relax the total-denial stance. Indeed, I was pleasantly surprised when she allowed me to undress her and she knew that by doing so I would have more than a casual contact with her.

I sense that she feels confused. It’s not that she has no sexual desire for me, but rather that she is forcing herself to learn to restrain it and, for now, redirect it towards Paul. She has assumed the dominant role in both her relationship with me as well as with Paul; that's new but not if I looked back to when we started dating as back then she was quite sexually confident and even demanding.

As for me, while I still have thoughts of resuming the alpha role with her, I also will admit that I am enjoying the beta role with her as the alpha. I've looked in her chatroom chats and her pen-pals say she is ripe to move towards a female-led-relationship, at least sexually with me, but not in other areas of our lives. I am a bit scared and reluctant to admit to enjoying that thought for now, to remain the beta. I don't think she sees me as anything less overall, and may actually think more highly of me that I may want this.

She's long said that I should feel comfortable with what turns me on and if this is it, then maybe it is the way to go. I think back to what her pen-pals have said regarding continuing denial play into the future with me having periodic times when we will re-consummate things, it is seems crazy to me to be saying this but maybe it is what I want? How else do I explain my apparent contentment with what we've been doing now for 5 weeks.

I can't deny that I am a bit concerned and even a bit scared or hesitant about how these changes may play out. I am now asking myself if I want to be the beta on a more long-term basis. Things she says at times do make me wonder about what others have said to her. I mean, we have this past Thursday where she let me undress her! She let me take her bra off and I stood behind her as I unclasped it, holding her around the arms and shoulders and she didn't resist as I slid the bra off her arms or when I took her breasts in both hands and caressed them for a moment. It was just holding them gently from underneath and feeling their weight and warmth, I didn't squeeze them or play with her nipples at all, but it felt so good to hold them that it really made me want to have them more but I didn't push it.

She kissed me when she turned around and smiled when she saw my gaze was glued to them now being just inches from my chest, but at the same time, I knew that was all she wanted. What surprised me was when she said I should kneel down and pull off her panties. I was shaking as I put my fingers in the waist band and pulled them down slowly. It always turns me on to see she is still totally bare, when the top of her pussy lips came into view and I could see her button nestled under its hood, fuck, did my cock get hard! As she stepped out of them she spread her legs and more came into view. I could feel my cock was now dripping away in my boxers.

Once her pussy spread apart I could see more and it turned me on so much to see it gently gape open and could see the wetness inside her. She smelled sexy, really sexy, the pheromones must have been all over! I could smell her sweet smell mixed in with a hint of sweat and acridity that I knew must have been from him. I so wanted to pull her to me as I knelt there and lick her clean but she made it clear she wanted nothing of the sort.

Instead she pulled me up to my feet and said, "your turn", meaning she wanted me to strip, so I pulled off my shirt and slid off my pants and boxers. She smiled at seeing my cock and, my God, she touched it for the first time in 5 weeks!

She took her cue from me when I'd touched her breasts, she just lay my cock in the palm of her hand and as if she were talking to it said, "do you miss me?"

I groaned a 'yes' back and she giggled, took her hand away and said, "show me?" I slid back onto the bed and she smiled as my cock was now at full hardness as she stood there next to the bed naked.

I thought there might be more contact with her but there wasn't. I started stroking my cock and she asked me if I was still turned on by all of this and whether I was aware it would be 5 weeks this weekend. She had a big smile on her face when I told her I did and that it did still get to me. She giggled and motioning to my cock that now seemed to be throbbing away said, "I can see that".

She sat next to me on the edge of the bed and asked if I was still turned on by, "not having me". I was scared to say it but I knew I should tell her the truth and I told her yes. She asked me more and I told her that I was surprised that this wasn't more difficult for either of us.

That's when she turned to me and lay down next to me with her breast just touching my arm and she said that it hasn't been easy for her either, that she doesn't like not having sex with me as her husband. Then she leaned towards me and with her breast and nipple touching against my side whispered, "… but it's what I think we both need right now" and she kissed me, passionately.

She pulled back and spoke matter-of-factly, "I'm not sure when I'm going to want to let myself go with you again" then pulled me against her where I could feel her whole body and her pussy against my hip and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm glad you'll be able to be patient with me".

I stroked away as she told me how good it felt to be with Paul again for 2 nights in a row taking care to tell me, ".. how nice it was that they could resume where we'd left off the night before." I knew that meant sexually.

She whispered into my ear how he joined her in the shower both mornings before work and how before she'd even dried off on Wednesday morning, they had time for a quickie on the bed. I moaned back at how that turned me on, that she felt so good about it with him. She moved up against me and said how horny it was seeing me get so hard as she talked to me. Then she started to say things that she knew sent chills up my spine such as, "he likes how I get ready while he's shaving in the morning," knowing how that turns me on.

I still can't believe she will actually do this with him as she would rarely do this with me while I'm in the shower much less standing next to her shaving at the sink but she whispered in my ear that, "he thinks it's sexy that I don't mind peeing while he's there with me".

Fuck, did that get to me. I mean sometimes while I'm in the shower she'll come in and sit and do her thing and then leave, never when I'm at the sink shaving. Just thinking about her squatting down and peeing while he's standing there as if it's nothing, fuck even now it has me throbbing rock hard again. I felt my orgasm stirring in my groin, really getting ready and she knew it too.

Still, there's nothing that will make me cum sooner than when she starts to talk about how it feels to fuck him, how she likes how he feels in her. It's crazy that she will just talk to me like I was a girlfriend with no qualms about telling me how she always likes to be in the missionary position for him, how she likes to see all of him when he cums.

She cooed in my ear and said, "that's the part that really turns you on, right baby, when I tell you how I can feel him cum inside me, how warm I feel inside ….". and she was right. Almost without warning as she said that and more that I let go and grunted and let fly! She squealed at how I seemed to suddenly explode and she pulled back a bit to watch me stroke out the last few spurts.

As I lay there panting she slid down towards me again and whispered how hot that was for her to watch. I started to moan and snuggle towards her when she surprised the heck out of me when I felt her hand on the inside of my leg moving up to my cock. I felt her push at my leg and without thinking, still catching my breath, I spread my legs and was shocked to feel her thumb way down by my butt and then doing what I'd told her I loved, feeling her run her thumb from way down all the way up to the tip of my cock and draw out the last bit of my cum. She moved soooo slowly that I had time to get up on my elbows and watch her bring out the last thick globs of cum which she deftly wiped onto one finger and without even thinking about it, I just opened my mouth and she wiped it onto my tongue and lip.

I don't mind it, geez, after all these Wednesdays (and now Thursdays), I think I've become used to the taste. I held her hand before she could move it away and I brought it back and kissed it. I looked up at her and told her I loved her. She smiled, leaned down and shared a slightly tangy kiss with me and said, ".. and I love playing like this" and began to play with my cum as is our usual routine.

I don't know if I am conveying how close the both of us feel at that moment. I can feel her warm skin against mine, her breasts are swollen and her nipples are hard. There's a heat from between her legs and after she's helped clean me up, the kiss that we share is one that I think is almost more erotic than any other time, yes, even one that we'd share after both cumming together. There's just something about the honesty of the moment that I think, at least for me, says more in 30-seconds than any talk or discussion could.


Paul will not be coming here tomorrow. As I had thought, she wants to spend some of the day at her parents so we'll be there for at least the afternoon tomorrow. She did say that, 'we can talk about it' when I mentioned joining her at Paul’s maybe next week.

She is out now shopping at the Garden Centre for some flowers or small plants that her mom can put into pots on their porch/balcony for the summer which is giving me some quiet time to think about the past few days.

As I've noted, the thing that I am finding most surprising is how content I seem to be, for the time being at least, with our state of denial. (I will say that seeing some cracks in her facade this past Thursday also makes it easier to think that way too.) From what I've read in some internet forums, I know others had said that there is more to a relationship than being just sexual and it's very surprising, even refreshing, to feel that about Suzanna. We both genuinely still really enjoy and love each other even without the sex.

However, I am finding myself questioning whether, maybe always under it all, I've wanted to be the beta?

Was I really happy and horny way back in college when I didn't take a turn with that hooker at the frat-party?

Did I want Suzanna to really get into it with her lover all along?

I know that I've begun to accept certain things about myself but now, to question whether I've maybe always wanted this?

I read somewhere that sometimes guys assume they should be the alpha just because they have a good sized cock and can please women, but there are sometimes, maybe they didn't really want that role? Obviously, after 20+ years of the alpha with Suzanna, I have really been very into her going with other guys and the things I've found that thrilled me has been when she gave things to these other guys either before or instead of me. Specifically, when going way back to how I reacted when so early on she showed Brad how to insert her diaphragm and all of that. I know that it should have really caused me concern or have disturbed me but, instead I found it incredibly horny.

When she came to me and said she wanted to avoid sex with me before she'd see Dan, I may have said I wasn't happy but in the end, I went along with it willingly.

It's something I'm a little scared to admit it to myself and I'll also say that I’m a little reluctant to share this with Suzanna. So.....


We talked quite a lot over the weekend and the question of 'going-back' or 'turning-back' came up,

Suzanna laughed and dismissed the idea by saying that there's no way to 'un-fuck me' so I guess that answered that question, there's no going back. As part of that discussion she repeated what she'd already said, that she feels she will always have a lover in the future and that unless I had some big objection to it ( which she correctly guessed, I wouldn't) that it was just how it's going to be. She said as far as she was concerned, that she enjoyed sex with other guys and that she didn't think it was something she would have to give up.

We talked about her issues and she told me and confirmed what had been implied/inferred, that it's her own doing that she never felt she should or could tell me now if I was horny; she knew about it!

She says once she became a wife and mom, that she just felt she should make sure I was always satisfied, even if she wasn't totally in the mood for it herself. She assured me that this was totally her doing and that I shouldn't feel responsible for 'being a man'. Thing is, she made it clear that this most definitely followed from when she started with other guys and we talked about it for a while. She says she knew how it turned me on that she was with Brad or Dan or whoever and that she recognized that I even 'needed' to be with her at some of those times. She also made it clear that she is sorry she didn't feel strong enough to tell me no and that there have been many times since then that she gave-into sex with me when she would have rather not. Again she added that as with before we started with other guys , she emphasized that she loved sex with me and that I did make her cum like crazy; that it was never that I didn't 'leave her breathless'. She says it's just recently that she has a bit of sadness she hadn't more fully enjoyed the times she could have had, as she is now doing. She even said that in the past she would relent on seeing or feeling my hard cock thinking that I must have needed her. She went further and said that what she's doing with me on Thursdays, letting me see her and share her excitement but 'no more than that, "plus you jerking off so much" is helping her get past the inbred instinct to want to let me have her whenever I'm horny.

She said that she hoped that in the next few weeks that she'd be to the point where I could touch her a little bit and that it would be okay. (She said that she had started with that by letting me touch her breasts and letting me undress her the other day.)

We spoke about my beta-desires. She told me how she didn't understand it at first but now she does and says that it's something we needed to talk about but before we even talked about me, she told me that she feels things changed for her when she was seeing Robert, that he was the first one who she really felt like she was having sex with and not the other way around.

She said that some my behaviour and of the way I reacted; my acceptance of her lover and her desires with him without my ever meeting him or even having an opinion about him, caught her off guard. It was the first time she recognized what she felt and that maybe it had been there with others before him but hadn't recognized it.

She said that she hoped it didn't hurt to hear it but she really got into sex with Robert to the point where she admitted she wanted it with him more than with me. She was bemused when I willingly agreed to use condoms with her, that she couldn't understand it, and that it took her a while to accept that I was okay with it. She also said she regretted that it didn't happen sooner with him where she felt mentally like she could give herself fully to him. She scared me a bit when she said that, "… had I been able to, I might have even given him his baby …. that would show just how I felt like I could finally be with him".

She said that when I agreed to use condoms with her, that she felt it really escalated things with Robert and that it was what made her realize she just wanted and needed this kind of sex instead of the straightforward affair she'd previously wanted.

So that led me to ask what that meant for me, for us. now with Paul and about sex with me. She was quiet for a bit and then, as she always does when maybe I am making her feel a bit uncomfortable, asked me about how I was feeling.

I told her that for now, it was okay and that it was kind of strange that it wasn't more anxious for me. She smiled and said, "you know I understand if something like this turns you on" and she said that she's come to understand from her denying me, how arousing it can be. She looked at me and said that she was horny for me and that she did miss being with me sexually but, at the same time, that she hasn't felt this horny and aroused and so wanton in a long long time.

She looked at me and said she was sorry if it hurt to hear it but that right now, she is really into how it feels to just have sex with Paul. I asked if this was going to be a long-term thing and she said she didn't know but repeated again that if it was too much for me that I should just tell her. My answer to her was that I didn't want to force myself on her if she didn't want it with me and I threw back at her the whole 'how I'm feeling' thing.

She said she didn't mean it that way exactly and said that for right now, which means just the immediate future, that she is really enjoying everything we're doing …. including denying me.

I guess I was looking a bit concerned at that point because she came and hugged me and said that it isn't going to be forever that she wants this thing with Paul. She assured me that before the summer is over, that, "you and I will be having sex again".

She asked me if I was still enjoying it, why I was so concerned?

I told her that I wasn't happy with the uncertainty, I at least needed to know how and what she was thinking regarding me and us. She told me that she was being honest about wanting to 'reset how she feels towards me sexually' and that she wanted this to be good for me. She asked about my beta-desires and whether they were being satisfied and whether they were still there, growing, shrinking, etc. She looked at me and said, "it's okay if it turns you on to not have sex with me, I understand it a lot better now". She said that if it's what still turns me on for now, then I should enjoy it and just go with it. She said if my feelings change, then I should tell her and then we can talk about it.

I was honest with her and I told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted other than that I was still feeling very turned on now. She asked me why, if that was the case, was I feeling so anxious. I sort of told her that I wasn't sure what it was I wanted in the future.

She looked at me and said that she would understand if I wanted to ease off on it in the future and stuff like that. I looked at her and did what she often does, I answered her question with a question, I asked her what she wanted and how everything would play out in her vision.

She told me, "as I said, I think I will always want to be able to be with another man" and said she hoped there was no misunderstanding about that. I nodded and said I knew that.

She continued and said that she didn't expect this current intensity to continue with Paul for that much longer. Indeed, when the kids are home in another couple of weeks or so, that things are going to change with him in terms of when and how often they are together. Then she giggled and said, "but, don't worry, we'll find a way".

The look on my face must have shown I didn't find that funny because she came over serious and said, "okay, about you and me".

She looked at me and said that, "you haven't cum in me in over 4 months now …" and after a pause, "… and it turns me on to think about that, as your wife, that you haven't cum in me in so long. You know, thinking about it, it's been over a month since I've felt you at all....”

I think she saw that I wasn't breathing as she was saying that and she held my hand and said, "I know you may or may not want to hear this, but I am enjoying it right now" that she is enjoying the way it is making us feel and how we are together. She said, "maybe denying you is good for us".

I told her she was making me scared and that I wasn't sure I was okay with what it sounded like she was saying. She looked at me and said that she'd already told me that we'll surely be having sex again later this year.

I said that 'sounded uncertain'. She looked at me and said, "that would depend on you, and what you wanted" before moving closer and giving me a hug and saying again, "it's okay if this stuff turns you on baby …. if you still wanted some denial, then, I was thinking, maybe......”

I looked up at her and said, "maybe what?"

She smiled, "Maybe you'd only have me sometimes, like once a month or so ..... how would that be?”

I hugged her and told her I was sure we would work something out and I guess she recognized my relief. She smiled at me, said I was 'just being silly' and that she loved me and that, "of course we'll work something out". She giggled and added, "maybe I'll just keep you in condoms, you'd probably like that?”

I smiled but I didn't say anything.


Last page, good time to start a new book.

Wow, and I've just realised that it will be number 100!