Journal of a Journey - Book #140

I'm not being given too much of a choice in the matter and she's said bluntly that after our next ski trip with Paul, we can start to talk. When I hemmed and hawed, she looked at me and reminded me of what I'd said, ".... I should look to Paul for my sexual desires...".

She has most definitely taken on the alpha role. When I said that maybe it'd be better if Paul didn't come over this past weekend, she said she'd hear nothing of the sort and that as we'd agreed, she was going to have this time to explore and experience the things she wanted. It's been a bit eye-opening to hear her tell how she wants to have as much sex with him as she can in the next few weeks but to see and be a part of it. She told me she'd done everything I wanted and now that I'm telling her that I may want to change things, she wants this time to complete her desires.

She's looked at me and asked me how I've gone from accepting that I possibly will use condoms for the rest of our lives, to now wanting to give it up so soon. I told her that I wasn't ready to lose her to him and she said that I wouldn't ever "lose me" to him, but that I was right that the time is passing when it may come to the point where she doesn't want to resume with me.

She asked me more about it and we talked more yesterday afternoon. He'd left just before lunch and we'd sort of gone back to our more normal routine when we found ourselves sitting on our bed and she started to talk to me. She told me how she felt right then and how she was still warm all over from being with him and she made it a point to tell me how her pussy ached a bit and how she wanted to feel more of that.

I told her that I'd seen and heard her quite a bit and she said that it was amazing how she truly enjoys sex with him now and she asked me how it felt to know that I'd given her that and yes, given that away to him. I told her honestly that I was torn in so many directions - that it still turns me on to think of that, but at the same time, I told her that the more I saw and heard and was a part of between them, that the more desire and need I felt with her.

She asked me if I was still going to be okay. I said that it wasn't going to be easy and she smiled and said that "It wasn't easy for me to do what you asked... for me to want him as much as I do now...." as we talked she said she wanted me to know that she knows her limits and that she and Paul have talked and she's even told him that I am, "coming around". It will be "...the same but more..." next time we go in just a week from Friday - we're going up a little earlier on Friday this time.

I joked that maybe I should stay home and she looked at me and asked me something to the effect of, "If you truly want to give up your being my beta, then are you sure you don't want to be there one last time?". But she did make it clear that "I'm going to be his again".

We talked and as I'd told her after the last time - yes, it turned me on to see her with him and to see what she did with him (and how much) - but at the same time, it was going to push me especially after not having any contact with her until afterward. In return, she simply said, "Well, it'll be over soon enough baby." She added that she was sorry but she wasn't going to change her plans and she told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to be "well fucked" one last time where she feels she can push the envelope - and she added when she looked up at me, "if you are truly going to want to change things, then this may be the last time I feel like this with him".

I asked her if she was sorry that we'd done this stuff and she smiled at me and said, "Only if you are?”

I looked at her and she said that she resisted a lot at first but over time she came to have some thoughts more like I do about enjoying sex for sex's sake and not looking further than that. "That's what Paul and I have right now - but we both know we're at the edge of it" She looked at me and said, "The 3 of us can make this work anyway" and she continued and said, "he's happy for me to do whatever I want with you."

I replied snidely, "As long as he still gets to fuck you that is" and she said, "Yes - that is exactly it - he just enjoys the sex honey - it's me that wants to push your buttons".

She described to me how she felt after I went away for a week and how she felt like she could change into this alternate role if it was truly what I wanted. I know that's part of what scared her a bit at first but after the ski trip, she told me that was one of the first times that she truly felt like she was his completely; that there wasn't anything she wouldn't share or feel with him. And how afterward, she felt like her body was used up by him - and she said she wanted to have that feeling another time with him.


I’m a bit somber and borderline annoyed/concerned about everything. She insists that this is just her ‘getting back at me’ and ‘rubbing my face in it’ but at the same time, some of what has been predicted has come to pass inasmuch that things are not going to go back to how they were.

I should clarify a few things here though. I do still absolutely believe that if I truly needed to and ‘had to’" have sex with her even now she would acquiesce (admittedly, with reluctance) but I still believe if I needed her that way, she would let me. While I do most assuredly feel the desire for her I’m not at the point where I need to say that to her, at least not yet.

She has told me several times that she doesn't feel a desire for me sexually right now and she's comfortable telling me that it is ‘what I told her that I wanted’. She's said to me many times that I was the one who told her that she should look to Paul to satisfy her desires.

She's also told me that my having not cum in her now in over 2 years (she dismissed the few odd times I did last year) has also had an effect on her where when she thinks about it, that it's Paul she wants and would rather have his cum in her than me. Perhaps it’s teasing or that she thinks that there may be something to the hormonal thing given how she feels about him when they're having sex. What is for sure is I know that he's had her hundreds of times with more to come!


She saw Paul twice last week including her going to see him over this past weekend. She's made a point to tell me how she wants him to ‘fuck me hard’ when she sees him and that I'll see more of that if I join them next weekend skiing.

When I said that I was thinking of not going with them she said that it ‘would make no difference’, she would be going anyway with or without me. That led to a bit of a row between us that culminated with her telling me that she IS going to fulfill her desires and that next weekend away will be the culmination (at least for now) of her wanting to give herself to him just as in her ‘whole big affair which she reminded me I had also agreed to. She said that I should be happy that she's getting what she wanted without having to put me through her giving herself emotionally to him too as she had originally thought she was going to want to feel.


He was going to come here this past Saturday night, but I told her that it was enough for me and that I was regretting things already. She took pity on me in her way and said she'd ‘fuck him at his place’ instead.

She did not spend the night and instead came home quite late.


It was yesterday morning when she woke up in bed next to me and told me how wonderful she felt that she had finally asked me if I was truly going to want to give up being the beta for her.

I told her that I was sure I wanted to give up a lot of it and she smiled and said that we could talk about it when the time was ready. I told her that I still like how it felt for her to have sex with Paul and she smiled and said she had no intention of stopping; that if and when I started to have sex with her again, it would be me AND Paul fucking her. She then asked, " … and what about condoms .... what are you thinking about that?"

I told her that it still turned me on to think of ‘only him cumming in you’, and that I knew that it was something we needed to resume at least some of the time.

She smiled and said, "Okay, we can talk about that some more baby" and she lay back and without really talking to me, just started sharing her thoughts. She told me she was amazed and loved how much being in touch with her sexuality she was now; and how she could appreciate sex in such new ways. She turned to me, "Not just for how it makes me feel, but how it makes you feel too honey." She said that it's been fun and amazing to see how her teasing and enjoyment made me feel and what it makes me want.

She didn’t spare telling and sharing how much she is enjoying the sex with Paul including it being, " … better than with you honey..... sorry, but that IS what you told me to do and want".

I told her that it was and that it did still turn me on to think and know about, but that I was now starting to feel that maybe ‘sharing with him’ instead of ‘giving to him’ was more how I was feeling.

She giggled at that and said, "Well, it's a little late for you to be thinking that" but then added that we will find some middle ground that will make us both happy and she proceeded to tell me how wonderful she feels when she fucks Paul like they did the night before. She giggled and said, "I cum so much with him sometimes ...," Then she said, “And how wonderful it feels when he cums in me …" and how natural it feels to feel herself cum with him when he does.

I was starting to get aroused by this talk and she knew it. She teased me, "You can jerk off if you want baby" and then she hissed and said, "Mmmm - want to see what I look like down there?" With that, she giggled and pushed the covers down and as I leaned up on one elbow she pulled her nightshirt up and then slid off her panties. The crotch was damp in them as I saw her kick them off her ankle and as she did so she spread her knees apart and said, " … come take a look, honey".

I didn't think I'd get any harder but I did. She's still totally bare (over two and a half years now for him) and I did get up onto my knees and for the first time in, I guess weeks and weeks, I was sitting up close to her naked body and looking at her all over. It turned me on but at the same time I felt very anxious when I looked at her pussy and my first thought was, "Oh my, I haven't seen this in ages." Indeed, it felt weird and crazy to look at her pussy and to almost feel that it was no longer ‘mine’ and that in some way I barely recognized what I was looking at! Her pussy looked so reddened all over, not just between her labia but her whole mound was a darkened pink and almost swollen.

I didn't ask what caused the change as I knew it was from him banging his pubic bone and that fat knob over and over into her. She giggled when she saw me staring and my cock getting hard and she said, "You can look closer if you want ..." as I looked she reached her hands around the sides of her butt, under her legs and she pulled her vagina open for me. "That's where he fucks me, baby....." Then she giggled again and said, ".... it still feels wet in there..." and she hissed at me again and said, " … IS IT, does it look wet baby?!"

When I said that it looked wet she put her legs back together and said matter-of-factly, "You have at least another week to wait before you get any of that".


The thing I'll end this with is that while I do feel as though I've lost her sexually and will have to find a way to reclaim her in the future if I want to have a sex life with her, I do feel is that she isn't looking to leave me. What she has said is that unless I make the effort to put myself back in her life sexually, she’s not going to want or let me back in.

We aren't there yet and she is talking positively about ‘after next weekend’ so at this point, I'm going to go ahead and endure one more painful weekend with her being his. In some ways, hearing the absence of emotional stuff in everything that she's telling me has me feeling more comfortable for the short term.

I do still love the idea of her being his so I'm hoping that after next weekend that we can talk openly about what we both want and need and that she'll be ready to listen.


We are back home again after our weekend away skiing and I guess there's no other way to put it than re-entry has been more complex and somewhat more difficult than I had hoped or expected; I can almost hear voices saying ‘I told you so’.

What is rewarding is that since the ski weekend, she has assured me that our love for each other (both ways) remains strong but she's also shared and told me a lot of things that have sobered me up, so to speak.

The main thing she's shared is that she feels that I sort of forced her into feeling more with Paul and that over 2+ years she now feels that it's more than just having sex with him, she now feels the same feelings with him about sex as she does (or did) with me. She’s pretty much said that she's not sure she wants to change that.

I told her it was hard to hear that but that I knew it was true and knew it was me that had pushed her to put me into a beta role, that even when she pushed things with me, I still wanted her to continue. She told me that while she thought she'd ‘felt everything’ with Robert, she admitted that she now ‘cums with Paul’ even more easily than with anyone including me (but she clarified the statement when she added ‘now’).

She told me that for her, as a woman, it had taken a lot to let herself go with Paul the way I had wanted and she reminded me again that it was me who told her that if she was horny at all she should look to Paul.

I told her I knew that I had put her in a difficult position and that I knew my sooner-than-expected request to no longer be a complete beta was something that we were going to have to discuss.


The ski weekend was quite an experience as I said, Suzanna had made it clear that she was going to push things with Paul and intentionally ‘push my nose in it’.

To say they fucked is an understatement. From the moment he arrived, she virtually ignored me. I can't and won't provide too many details because I am sure that based on the things she did and said (moaned) it might seem like there was a conspiracy going on. I can say that she was quite explicit (including not just making sure that I was there or at least aware) every time he fucked her. He fucked her many times (many times just to get her to cum) but would pull out of her still hard and would wait till later on to surely come in her. There were several times when she lay (or knelt) there afterward making sure I saw her. He came in her both mornings before we went out to ski and she made it clear to me that she could feel his cum all day in her.

She told me that she had no plans of stopping seeing Paul and that it wasn't an option.


Before I put down the pen, I wanted to share that we did have sex on Valentine’s Day. She told me on the way home from skiing that she hoped we would be together for Valentine’s Day. I had already planned a nice night out (reservations at a nice restaurant, nice card, and flowers) and I told her that would be a wonderful way to end the evening together. She said that she hoped things would be good for us later on and I told her I did too.

When we got home from dinner she went up to our bedroom and for the first time in a long time she told me she felt a little excited and aroused at the idea of having sex with me and that she felt horny as she picked out some lingerie to wear for me.

I didn't tell her that it turned me on that I'd seen her wearing that same lingerie when she was with Paul. She just giggled at how turned-on I was and how hard my cock was.

We got into bed together and we both laughed that it felt a little weird for both of us to feel horny for each other and at the same time a little awkward. I did get her to cum several times before it was time for us to fuck for the first time in a while. She looked just beautiful laying back this time for me.

I felt some of those alpha urges again and it truly felt almost normal when I moved to kneel between her legs. I was eager but also a little hesitant, I wasn't sure what to expect and, yes, I wasn't sure whether it was what either of us wanted. She must have felt it too, she was feeling the same way, for she looked up at me and said, "You want to?"

I asked her back, "Do you want me to?"

Almost at the same time, we both said about the same thing, that maybe we should ease back into things a little more slowly. She looked up at me and said, "Do you mind?"

I knew what she was saying and I shook my head ‘no’ and told her I agreed.

She smiled as I rolled the condom on and as I pushed into her for the first time she smiled at me and said, "That’s better".


Suzanna is seeing Paul this evening. She is going there after work and will be home later tonight. As she stated, she intends to keep seeing him and I have told her that I am okay with that.

Our ******** came home on Saturday so Suzanna and I didn't talk more until later on Monday after she (our ********!) went back to college but since then, we've been talking quite openly and I think more honestly and admitting to our truer desires.

I have told her that I love her fucking other guys and that as long as things don't spiral out of control with Paul, I am still excited, satisfied, and happy that she continues to fuck him.

We talked a bit more about the ‘why’ I am the way I am and I couldn’t explain it, I told her that it's as it's always been, that I love knowing other guys are ‘in her’ and that she wants it with them and I told her that it makes me horny and that it always has.

She asked me how I felt about ‘the way’ she cums with him and as we talked she again told me that right now, “it's better with him and that I want sex with him more than with you”.

I told her honestly that seeing her orgasm with him is something that I am very aroused at from my beta perspective and that it does genuinely turn me on that this is how she feels. I told her that if she's read the same stuff as I have over the years, we both knew that this could happen; that sex would be better with another guy. I rhetorically asked her, " … wasn't it better with Robert too?"

She reluctantly said yes, but said that it was different because it was separate from me, that I hadn’t been present.

I told her that for me, knowing she was cumming like she was with Robert and ‘all that goes with that’ even now, it still turns me on. I told her that I knew that for her to feel or let herself feel that or to even be able to feel that with Robert or Paul, I knew what she'd meant when she had said it took a lot as a woman to let herself do that and to feel that with another man.

I told her if it was that good, then it wasn't something that I wanted to take away from her, but more like something that I now think we need to figure out how to use to make things good and exciting between us.


We talked more last night as I masturbated with her and we talked more about condoms. It was obvious to her that using them turned me on and we talked openly about when and whether I should cum in her again. At one point as we were talking, more than really getting into getting me horny, I told her that I knew she needed to feel his cum inside her to let her let go and have that type of deep body-wrenching orgasm that she has.

She blushed when I said that but I told her that I knew it and that I also knew that if we used condoms together, she was unlikely to cum like that with me. I can't recall the exact wording we used but I told her that it still turned me on that she would have that with Paul and likely not with me.

She asked me if that was okay and I in turn said to her, "I think you need to answer that first." I told her that I needed to know if not feeling that with me was going to be okay for us.

It led to my cock softening as the both of us talked very intensely. She told me that this is maybe the first time she's felt like she has since so long ago that she can barely remember (other than when I bring back memories of her fashion show and lingerie or other things). It stung a little to hear her tell me how she enjoys ‘feeling Paul cum’ in her and how she enjoys sharing all of herself with him. So I asked again how she thought things would be from her perspective if that remained something only with him and not me.

It took a lot for her to tell me what she said next, that she loved me very much and that she knew we needed to resume a more physical relationship for it to remain good between us. She asked me, "How important is it to you to make me cum like that?"

I was honest, I told her that as I'd said already, it turned me on that she felt that with Paul and that, "the beta side of me says I'm okay … " but then I added, " … I think we need that together too sometimes".

She smiled at me and said we can talk about that more.

I was hard again and as I started to stroke again it was clear we were moving away from more serious talk now that we'd reached a plateau of sorts. As I started stroking again she reassured me, "You'll get to feel me again like that baby...." and then she giggled and said, "Maybe we can have some fun getting there." When I turned to look at her questioningly she smiled and said, "If you need to be with me baby, then maybe I can make it more fun for you in other ways".

I still wasn’t getting it but kept stroking because she was sounding very sexy as she talked. She smiled and leaned over and said, "I was thinking....." and she kissed me and then asked me how it would be if, " … our new rule is you can only have me after Paul has left or I've come home, not before?"

I am quite sure my grunt and moan in response gave her a clear answer of ‘yes’ but I did manage to get out ".... uhh, that'd be hot!".

She teased, "Not every time though baby...." which made me moan even louder and as I stroked my now rock-hard cock she giggled and hissed in my ear "....mmmm.... I'll make sure you want me...." which she knew would get to me and it did. I could feel pre-cum already dribbling out and she saw it too and gave me a soft moan and whispered, ".... your cock looks so amazing...".

She knew I was close when she started to tell me how wet she'd be when, " … you have your turn …" and when she started to push me about, " …what you'll be thinking about...."

That was it for me, I exploded!


It felt so good to cum for and with her again last night. I felt my back arch off the bed and my balls tighten up as she moaned in my ear about how she still loved to see me cum. The first spurt landed on my neck with the rest on my chest and stomach. She squealed and moaned and told me how, ".. it's been too long since I've watched you" and she was downright giddy as she played with the cum on my stomach and told me, " … it's so warm and sticky".

As she began to get my cum on her fingers and let me lick it off I told her that it felt like a long time since we'd done this and she agreed and said that we needed to get back to our old rhythm. That was when she asked if she could see him tonight.

I hesitated a moment until she said, "We can try our new thing when I come home" which I took to mean her ‘maybe’ having sex with me when she got home.

I looked at her and asked her, "Will you want that? In the past you said that was something you didn't always like".

She'd brought the last fingerful of cum to my lips and as I licked it off she smiled and said that she thought it might be fun and that if I wanted to ease the depth of beta-ness (my words; again paraphrasing here) that maybe she could play along sometimes and tease me. She giggled and said, "Wouldn't it turn you on if I teased you about how wet I am tomorrow night when I'm with you?" (meaning when she's having sex with me).

I groaned at what she said and told her, "Yeah, that would be very hot .... if it's something you're good with"

She smiled and just said, "We'll see".

We kissed and hugged and shared ‘I-love-you'd’ and I thought our sexy talk was done for the night but about an hour or so later when we were getting into bed, she got undressed and stood there naked as she pulled on her nightshirt knowing I was watching her too. It was when we lay in bed and she leaned over and caressed my cock then looked up at me and asked, "Is 'he' going to be up for me tomorrow night?"

I moaned softly from her touch and I told her that I was quite sure ‘he’ would be 'up'. She kissed me and said, "That's good baby..." I thought that was it for the night but a moment later she turned to me and said, " … not bare though, right?"

I looked at her and said what I thought she wanted to hear, which was, "...uh... no ... unless it's what you want, right?"

She smiled and said, "That's good - we'll get there honey, let’s just go slowly" and she kissed me quickly and then said, "We'll talk more".


This morning she came prancing out of the shower naked, her bald pussy visible, and for the first time in a long while she turned to me and held different pairs of panties against her waist and asked me, "What color?" deliberately leaving out the next 2 words ‘for Paul’".

I told her that it was supposed to be a warm and sunny day; and that she should go for the yellow ones with the lacy fringe and the matching bra. She smiled and said, "He’ll like that".


She's not home yet and I’ve been thinking about the continuing condom usage. I don't know how to explain this other than it is something we both enjoy knowing and feeling, but this isn't something we will share. I don't know what else to say other than it is something that seems to fulfil me and that she admits, enhances what she feels and experiences with Paul.

I recognize that we have been reassuring each other by agreeing with, "Isn't it what you want?" in both directions, her and me, but I am aware that she understands that I need penetrative sex with her more frequently than either of us would have thought based on how things were in the past. I have told her honestly now, that if things continue the way they are with her and Paul, I am no longer able to be the denied beta with long distances between when we will have sex together; I know it sounds simple and crass in a way, but I need to fuck her and she has admitted that she too knows it's something that we need for us.


I hope that she can aspire to her intentions for tonight where she wants to tease me and hopefully have sex with me. There’s perhaps another 2 hours to go before she comes home and I hope that she'll come home and tease me about where she's been, what she's been doing, and then we'll head up to the bedroom where she'll tease me as we have sex together. I've pretty much told her this is what I would like to try out between us and she's said she would like that too.

Sitting here thinking about all of this, I wonder if my continued push for my beta wishes may have pushed her away from what I think I would very much enjoy. If she won't do it but is receptive to sex, I will tell her that I want her to tease me about it.

I accept that I seem to need to feel her deny me something that she gives to her boyfriend and I am being honest with her when I say that using condoms with her turns me on incredibly. It doesn't mean that I don't want to or won't ever cum in her again, but right now, I have to admit I don't want to but at the same time, I can almost let myself start to feel aroused about when I may get the chance to do so.

Still, the thought of us even perhaps going away in the spring together and even then still adhering to using condoms, so arouses me thinking of her staying ‘true’ to Paul in that way and my going along and even wanting it.


I readily admit to pushing Suzanna beyond what she was comfortable with when I came to her with my beta desires and then continued to ramp up the intensity of it. I do know that for a long time, this was immensely satisfying for me, even the complete denial at times still somehow seemed to ‘tweak my beta needs’. I do know that despite the warnings in my head, I did profess to Suzanna that I wanted her to enforce complete denial for me for some time.

She's been honest with me and I cannot blame her for the rise in her feelings or more for Paul as a result of it but she also understands that it truly did turn me on and fulfill me (for the most part) for quite a long time now. Equally, I expected her (given I asked and told her) to enjoy the sex with Paul as much as she could. So her response to me about not wanting to change things with Paul now shouldn’t come as a surprise.


I truly didn't know how or when the depth of my beta desires would diminish. I know that I had felt it changing but the events leading up to the first ski trip and then this second one have pushed the pendulum back a lot. I know that my telling her that I want to back away from the extreme is a challenge for her. Right now for me to make it work better without bringing back the old feelings she had of feeling obligated to have sex with me at times versus when she wants it and for her to ‘want it’ more often with me is going to be a tough call.

But we will work our way through this if last night was an example. She came home after 9 pm and it felt different with her coming in afterward as she was more forward with me about her having had a ‘great time with him’ and ‘really felt great with him tonight’. We made small talk till she said that we, ".... go upstairs and see what happens!"

As we entered the bedroom, she told me that Paul had been particularly amorous, and I joked with her that denying him over the weekend must have done to him what it does to me. She smiled and said, "Yes baby, and you'll get to see what he did to me soon" but before she stripped down she told me that she was ‘tired and a little sore’ so that I would have to ‘take it easy’ and to be gentle with her.

I asked her, "Do you want to do this tonight?"

She smiled and said, "I have been thinking about it all day and even though I'm pretty satisfied right now, I think it'll be fun to see what happens". She kissed me took my hand and slid it down the front of her jeans and below her panties. Her fingers guided mine to slip between her slippery lips and she hissed and teased, "he left me very wet baby" and then she added, "... but you won't.".

Things are blurry for the specifics after she said that to me as my mind went crazy at feeling my middle finger probing deep in her pussy and feeling how wet and hot she was inside. She was saying something to me about ‘... Paul ..... in me ....." but I just couldn't focus on her words as long as she held my hand down there. It was only when she released my hand that I told her, "Oh my god..... I'm soooo horny......" to which she giggled, smiled, and said, "That's good".

I was hesitant to take an aggressive stance with her but I was truly hard and horny for her. She slid off her jeans and top and stood there in those same lacy pale yellow panties and bra that I'd chosen for that morning but when I looked closer, it was clear her panties were wet and a darker yellow between her legs. She pulled me to her and as we kissed, she slid off her panties and bra, lay back on the bed, and motioned for me to get undressed while she spoke to me.

She told me that Paul had fucked her twice and ‘came inside me both times’ and that she wanted me to know that she'd cum several times including both times when he filled her. It wasn't just what she said, it was how she said it, sooo sexily! My cock was hard before I even got my pants off.

She raised one leg and caressed it, but was careful to not show me too much just yet and she looked at me and smiled when she saw my cock bobbing away as I stood there staring at her. She saw me looking at her breasts and smiled again and said, "Oh yes baby, he sucked them too …. his mouth felt good on them as I came with him". The way she smiled and how she said this stuff, I soon realized that she was saying it not just to tease me but to turn herself on too. The more she talked to me, the more she rubbed her legs together and a few moments later, as she caressed her legs, I noticed she'd begun stroking her pussy too.

I sat on the bed next to her when she patted it and motioned me over closer. She sat up and kissed me and rubbed her breasts against my arm and chest then she moaned in my ear again how, ".... he was so big tonight baby....".

I honestly was not sure what was going to happen; I would have been happy to jerk myself off all over her by that point but at the same time I was hoping she'd spread her legs and either let me see or maybe let me climb on top of her. We kissed again and she told me that she loved me and that she loved that we could try new things and turn each other on. When our kiss broke she looked into my eyes while we were still in our embrace and she said, "I love it that you like me fucking him."

I kissed her for a second and told her, "I do baby. It just turns me on …." to which she smiled and pulled me close for a bigger hug.

When she let her arms go I was still unsure what was going to happen until she smiled, reached over her shoulder, and picked up a condom that I hadn't noticed sitting there on her nightstand. She turned and handed it to me and then said with a sexy voice, "Do you want to fill this up?".

I answered with a tremble. She looked at me and whispered, "I think I'm wet enough for you".

I eagerly pulled the condom on and moved between her legs and I'm going to also say that, from how she smiled and how she responded, she was feeling the same desires as myself; that, for now, this felt so right for me and her. I say that because the teasing taunting and arousal that followed left no doubts including when she said pointedly, "... too bad you can't feel it ... it's nice that it'll be special for Paul ....".

She said other stuff but by then I was too far gone into what was in my head and how my cock felt. She felt like soft butter with my cock being like a hot knife. As she said stuff about how wet she was, at some points, her eyes would open wide and her body tremble as she would orgasm and moan back at me, "... you feel huge in me ... oh my god, I can feel you throbbing inside me...".

She did cum; she came hard and strong and deep while I kept fucking her and a few moments after she finally subsided, I felt the urge in me and she looked up at me with glazed-over eyes and she just encouraged me to, "... let it go, feel good baby....".

Sure enough, a few minutes later I followed her and as I finally came and let out all my pent-up desires, she moaned how, "... I can feel it getting hot in there..." and then she sighed, “ … I came a little too " as I let go, smiled and said, " … but I had plenty before that from you".

I stayed in her until we both caught our breath and I knew she wanted to be the one to hold the condom on me as I pulled out so when she slid her hand down and encircled my now-softening cock, I followed her lead and pulled back out of her.

I have seen that same gleam in her eye for over 2 years now when I pull out of her and she sees my cum in the condom and last night was no different. The bulb was filled and as she slid it off me she reached up and gave my cock a tug and she smiled when another thick drop showed up at the tip of my cock. Instead of letting it drip into the condom, she scooped it off onto her index finger and daintily offered it up to me. I smiled as I held her hand and took her finger into my mouth. She tied the condom in a knot and then surprised me by going down and sucking my cock clean. Of course, she kissed me right after that and I was reminded that it was still a lovely feeling.

As we lay in bed she said, "It’s not going to be a regular thing, baby, you're not having me every time I see Paul." Then she turned and looked up at me and said, "But I think we can come to something that will work for the both of us".

She kissed me and said we could talk over the weekend. I inquired if that would include Paul being told that with the nice warm weather forecast, he admitted that he wanted to get some golf in as he had already given up a good weekend when we were skiing!

I told her I was sorry to hear that, to which she just giggled and said, "He said I could come by on Sunday evening if I wanted to".


I don't think that was just a mercy-fuck from Suzanna, we talked a lot over this past weekend as she is taking a break from Paul on the weekends until we have ourselves sorted out a bit more. (Well, that and the weather was such that Paul told her he would be golfing all weekend!)


I think I understand a lot more of what she's been thinking and going through and maybe even wanting. I guess it goes back to a few different things, mainly when I came to her with my beta desires.

I am hearing that she had just gotten past her desire for this big affair where she'd let herself go emotionally and physically after her time with Robert when she'd figured out that she wanted the physical and not necessarily all of the other emotional stuff.

When I said what I did about wanting my beta wishes to be fulfilled; that I told her that if she wanted anything sexual she should look to Paul, I now see that it had the effect of putting her in reverse yet again. The way she said it, and it was part of what she'd told me earlier, it took some effort on her part to go along with my wishes and to direct her desires to Paul and not me. Especially after how her feelings had grown from her time with Robert. She even told me that part of what she liked about Paul at the beginning was that she felt that maybe it could just be physical between them and that it could be what she wanted.

When I told her that I wanted her to ramp up denying me she said she wasn't sure what she felt about doing that other than being mad and annoyed with me. However, at the same time, she also said she knew it WAS something I did want and that she said that was how she got herself to let herself go so completely with Paul, to convince herself that it was what I wanted.

She said to me that she could feel my desires were changing and that even before New Year’s Eve she knew that I was reaching my limits and that she decided that she wanted to, as I tried to say and she confirmed, really push. She said she was annoyed that I seemed to discount and diminish how she felt about Paul and how much it took of her as a woman (and as my wife) for her to truly redirect her sexual desires to Paul. She was brutally honest with me when she said again that right now, Paul makes her cum so much more and so much better than I ever did and that now she needs to somewhat push herself to let me have my time with her and hopefully regain my position with her.

Our discussion sort of culminated yesterday when we both came to accept that I seem to truly need her to deny me something at a deeper sexual level to somehow satisfy these feelings that I still have. She did not play down my feelings or this need that I seem to have. It was something quite the opposite, I told her at one point that I wished I didn't feel this way sometimes, and telling her that seemed to make her understand that this wasn't something I could necessarily control, at least not for the time being.

She told me that she had understood this turned me on for a long time and that she loved me even more because she knew it wasn't easy to share this type of intimate stuff with her.

We shared a few tears at times too as she told me that she too had discovered things that she too felt were not easy to share or accept. For as deep and heavy as that was to say to each other, it also felt good to say it and to finally put it where it was something that we can just accept and build forward.

When I told her that I thought at times that I was crazy for what I felt, she looked at me and said that she felt the same. I don't know if it was more startling than as we talked and thought that we were both enjoying a lot of the same things once again, just from different perspectives or, as I'd said it and she laughed, ‘as two sides of the same coin’.

I cannot recall exactly how we got there but at one point she turned to me and asked me if using condoms with her was something I truly found pleasurable, or whether it was something that gave me a different type of satisfaction.

She already knew the answer but I told her any way that it surely wasn't directly pleasurable, but that it ‘felt right’ as a cuckold and afterward that it seemed to leave me feeling how I wanted to be. She concurred, " …. so it feels right to not cum in me?"

I looked at her and said, "No, it doesn't feel right" and explained that of course it would feel far better and more 'correct' for me to cum in her and admitted that physically it would likely feel far better. It was not easy to try to find the words, but I told her that despite that, it just felt better to not do so. I then reminded her of the other discussion where she said she cums so much better and more easily with Paul and that by using condoms I was perpetuating that.

She looked at me and was speechless for a few moments until she said, very hesitatingly and with a very questioning tone, "Is that so bad?”

I didn't answer and she paused and asked again, " … is that so bad if it's how we both feel?"

This made me ask her, "Is it?" and when she didn't answer I added, " … is that how you feel, that it's maybe not so bad?"


We spent the better part of yesterday afternoon discussing this, slowly concluding that both of us are feeling apprehensive in the same ways and are both continuing to be curious in other ways. One thing that was concluded though, is Suzanna agrees that more sexual involvement with me will be better for her and will temper anything that would be happening between her and Paul.

She shared that she'd told Paul all about my ‘decisions’ that I'd come to and she said he'd said something like, "I had wondered how Stef could take not having sex with you" and he had laughed about what she'd wanted for the second ski-weekend and had agreed to follow her lead.

So, as she explained, what I saw between them that weekend was a bit extreme; not so much what they did, but more how much and how explicitly Paul is a willing participant to however Suzanna decides to handle my needs. He knows he's lucky to be enjoying her and isn't making waves at any time.


We have come to some new agreements and reinforced older ones. Regarding condoms, she admits that if it does not matter to me or that it seems to fulfill me in some way, then she is okay with me using them with her. When I pushed, she admitted to having to come to learn to enjoy this. It was her that looked at me and said, "That means... you know ... that crazy way I cum sometimes at the end, it'll only probably happen with him when it does!"

I wasn't sure what to say to that as she added, " … it might still happen with you baby, you know when we're really into it sometimes".

I told her that I knew what it meant and I asked her if it hurt her if I told her that I thought it was perhaps what I needed to feel. I saw her eyes tear up as she took my hand and held it and told me how she knew it was something very deep in me to be able to say that to her and that she loved me for being able to tell her. With the same tear in her eye, she sniffed and said that she felt weird in the same way by being aroused by it too, and that she had also struggled with these feelings. She was almost crying when she said that she wanted us to be able to make it work out for both of us but that she needed me to, "know that I don't love him and that he'll never come between us....".

She sobbed for a moment until I kissed her and I just said, "I know baby".

I know it sounds like nothing new, and perhaps it's not, but I think we have turned a bit of a corner.


And that is another book filled.