Hello,
a few years ago I collected a few articles about IR and BBC. Unfortunately, I can no longer find the original source (please post if you find it), so this information is not directly from me. But maybe they will still help someone today.
The Definitive Guide To Hotwifing
Hotwife (hot wife) defined — A wife who is sexually uninhibited who has the freedom within her marriage to enjoy sex with both her husband and other men.
The hotwife may enjoy the attention of men, the freedom to pursue sexual partners, the excitement associated with new sexual experiences, and as a married women the "forbidden" nature of what she's doing.
Women are finally freeing themselves from centuries of religion-based sexual suppression codified primarily by men who saw women as property and feared their latent sexual potential.
Some women immediately embrace the opportunity for sexual freedom. They miss the good times involved in earlier dating, and being a bit older and wiser about sex and relationships, want to again experience the attention of men -- especially men who know how to please a woman in bed.
Although not many men are willing to admit it, according to some sources, fantasizing about seeing a man having sex with their wife or having a hotwife ranks among the top male fantasies.
The hotwife's husband — sometimes referred to as the cuckold husband (see below) — gets vicarious sexual pleasure from his wife's sexual experiences.
True hotwives will have largely gotten beyond what others might think and may openly allude to their "hot" sexual experiences.
Although "promiscuous" was once a negative term, some women now let it be known that they are "woman enough" to regularly meet the sexual needs of more than one man -- especially when the sexual interest of that "one man" has significantly declined.
To impress some of her women friends she may brag about being regularly pleasured by a well-endowed "stud."
Some women like the feeling of crashing through propriety and propositioning men. Others, not wanting to be that bold or risk rejection, prefer that their husbands set up their sexual liaisons. The latter lowers the risk of the husband reacting negatively to her activities, plus, it is a sexual turn-on for some men to offer their wives to other men for sex.
Some women who try an open relationship decide it was a mistake. Others have the opposite reaction; they find that having other lovers meets significant personal and physical needs.
Although we've gotten letters saying that opening a relationship can work and, in fact, offers many advantages, we've also letters saying that this "experiment" has eventually doomed the marriage or relationship. (For example, see Afterwards, Things Are Never the Same and the links at the bottom of this page.)
I like to compete, and when I opened the door for my wife to go to bed with other men, suddenly I was back in the competition for her.
I guess I had been taking her for granted a bit too -- but once men knew "she would," I was competing for her, both in the bedroom and out.
I don't have to tell you how much she's loving that part!
For my part, I like to picture my pretty little wife getting it from different guys.
- From e-mail
Cuckold Husband Defined — The word used to refer to unfortunate men with wives that were having secret affairs with men. Often, the husband was the last to know.
However, today, the term more commonly refers to men who want and even encourage their wives to have sex with other men.
An evolutionary theory has even been advanced to help explain this. Elsewhere we list more than 40 motivations for affairs in general.
In today's climate of increased sexual expectations and declining male libidos, many husbands can no longer meet their wife's sexual needs. Under agreed upon conditions, more and more men are giving their wives permission to have purely sexual liaisons.
According to one husband -
I definitely don't want to lose my wife, but I fantasize about her getting it from other men.
"...I guess I want it both ways. A wife that is totally devoted to me, but a wife that is sexually uninhibited enough to let select men take her to bed."
"...There's a bit of adventure and risk involved in having an attractive wife who is "easy."
"Maybe it's a contradiction, maybe it's too much to hope for, or maybe it's against human nature, but I want our marriage to survive by totally trusting in "love" and not requiring sexual exclusivity.
"...I guess this is would be the ultimate test of love."
It can also be the acid test for personal weaknesses and failings, as detailed here and here.
The cuckold husband may also be turned on by having a wife that (at least in his fantasies) seems as hot and uninhibited as the women he sees in porno films.
Although the section on hotwives cuckold husbands from the main index has many more examples, "Sex Through the Ceiling," based on an e-mail account, typifies the cuckold husband's attitude.
Related to these issues are some surprising research findings.
Even so —
The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as being exclusively theirs.
Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by the prospect of hotwives, open marriages and black-on-white sex.
However, for the vast majority, that time is not now. Why Most Open Marriages Fail explains some of the reasons. This is an important personal and revealing open marriage experience that should also be considered.
At the same time, with affairs taking place in about 50% of urban marriages today, an argument can be made for "sanctioned affairs" that do not involve deceit and "cheating."
How to Be Successful Hotwife
From the e-mail Dr. Lee and I get and from our personal interviews, we know that a lot of people are trying open marriages and hotwifery, (although far more are just fantasize about it), and a few are pulling it off -- successfully
Pardon the "how-to" reference in the title. As lame as it is, it seems to get the basic idea across.
Can It Really Be Done?
Yes, but it's not easy -- nor is it recommended, at least for most people at this point in our social history. There is mounting evidence that not only is this is changing, but that change will soon accelerate.
From the e-mail Dr. Lee and I get and from our personal interviews we know that a lot of people are trying open marriages and hotwifery, (and even more are fantasize about it), and a few are pulling it off -- successfully.
I've met and talked to some in the latter group and what follows summarizes how they did it. As an example see the revealing Interview with a hotwife elsewhere on this site.
Before we get too far into this this hotwife thing, if the idea seems repugnant, then don't read any further -- no matter what your husband or significant other says. Let me put this another way: if this is the way you really feel, then you are both advised to forget about it and move onto other things in life.
At the same time, you should know that this lifestyle is engaged in by thousands -- actually, according to data, hundreds-of-thousands -- of couples, very few of which are deranged hippies left over from the 60's.
I've been surprised to find that many women who come across as conservative, church-going, red state women have open marriages or secret lives going as hotwives.
In fact, there is data and good psychological theory to support the fact that the more conservative types are the most apt to try to "break free" sexually. Have you been following the news lately? But they also suffer from more guilt as a result.
In this article I'll be concentrating on the woman's angle. That's only fair since most of the cuckold husband - hotwife section represents feedback from men.
Few women initially pursue being a hotwife, but many women get there for any number of reasons. Let's look at two reasons that rise to the top.
First, after an affair by one of them, some couples decide they don't want to break up their marriage or live-in relationship, so moving in this direction is a solution. Although it may not sound like an acceptable solution, couples in these situations are often often forced to come to certain conclusions.
They know that despite promises and good intentions, affairs tend to repeat themselves. One partner may not want to live with constant suspicion about the other -- that's a sure way to cripple if not doom a relationship -- and they decide that an open marriage or hotwifery with things being out in the open is better than the lies, deceit and paranoia that normally go along with affairs.
At the same time, open relationships have high failure rates. But then again, with the divorce rate around 50%, one wonders if this can make things too much worse. Some couples claim that opening a marriage actually saved it. We have limited proof of that on this site.
Second, after a few years of marriage, some women look back on their single years with a certain fondness -- especially the times when they could sleep with an interesting man without deceit, lies, or guilt. At the same time, sex within the marriage may have -- how should we put this -- cooled a bit. Some women would say it has gotten routine and unexciting, not to mention pretty sparse.
Of course, men have their own reasons for wanting their wives to be hotwives and that's covered elsewhere on this site. But this article is about women.
The Hotwife Personality
There isn't a "hotwife personality" -- or at least one that's consistent among women. (There may be some consistency among women in not liking the title, hotwife. Even so, the term is now generally understood, at least in its comparatively respectable form, which clearly eliminates most of those hotwife porno sites.)
Some hotwives (sorry) are quietly promiscuous, others boldly come onto men like desperate hookers. As you might expect, the latter type is not popular with sophisticated men.
How She Comes Across to Men
Sorry for the double entendre, but you get the idea.
Men, and husbands in particular, don't want "their" women who come across as whores -- at least not in the boardroom.
Interestingly, cuckold husbands don't seem to mind if some men to know that their wives are easy to get in the sack and wild and inhibited in the bedroom.
This is not totally out of line with the preferences of most hotwives -- even though they might fear what it can do to their professional lives. (See Can Sexually Liberated Women Advance in Corporate America?)
At the same time, it's important to the woman, and possibly to her career, that she has respect -- the same kind of respect that many men maintain while "dating" different women. (Yes, Virginia, there is a double standard out there.) So, she can't appear to be embarrassed, ashamed or even struggle to deny with what she's doing.
In a sense, she must come across to men who might want to criticize her as if she's calmly saying, I'm a normal, healthy, woman that likes sex just as much as you do and I'm not ashamed of it.
An Opportunity to Be a
Bit of an Exhibitionist
In the right environment some husbands like their (hot)wives to subtly flaunt their sexuality in front of other men. The "right environment" generally starts out being in the presence of men with attractive wives, especially trophy wives.
This might involve low-cut dresses, short skirts, mini-shorts, or going without underwear (as in without a bra). See I Discovered I'm an Exhibitionist.
As the term hotwife suggests, he probably wants her to be seen as "hot." Within certain bounds, that reflects positively on him.
Even though she's selectively promiscuous, she should never take off her wedding ring or try to in any way deny her marriage. She's doing this while being very much married. In fact, this adds a bit of excitement to the whole adventure. (One woman said she really got off on openly registering for a motel room with a man that wasn't her husband.)
Many men prefer married women because they represent no-strings-attached sex. These women aren't trying to find a husband, or to "accidentally" get pregnant.
The hotwife is being granted major freedom by the husband. To keep her sexual freedom, as well as to maintain the relationship (under what might be some difficult and trying times), she has certain responsibilities.
This involves catering to and being very sensitive to her husband's wishes and feelings. To put it bluntly, that's just a price she will will have to pay for her sexual freedom while maintaining the financial and emotional security of her marriage.
In the next section of this topic we get into what the husband will get out of this and what the wife should do to maintain her sexual freedom.
What's In It For the Husband?
This type of thinking may be light years away from the way she looks at things; but to protect her sexual freedom she will want to cater to her husband's fantasies.
The above is something that the hotwife must always keep in mind. We've already said that some husbands like other men to view their wives as "hot" and desirable.
This introduces the motivations of the cuckold husband. They range form the pure need for pride in having a desirable wife to the need for sexual humiliation. The woman should realize that her husband's motivation probably consists of some mix of both of the former, along with the possibly a dash of homosexuality. Don't freak out here; all men have at least a hidden streak of that. (Would they really look at porno if all the men's penises were blacked out?)
We mentioned before that many husbands like their (hot)wives to subtly flaunt their sexuality. This amounts to a delicate balance, because it can can (and often has) opened the door to destructive jealousy. Thus, the wife must let her husband lead in this and be willing to "negotiate."
For example, if he wants her to be braless in public, fine, but she might insist that it first be some place like Venice Beach in California (where you are apt to see anything anyway). After they both get used to that it might transfer to a nightclub, or a local bar.
If he gets upset at the attention she's getting, she might say, "I guess a lot of guys would like to have what you have."
It should come as no surprise that many women get off on in flaunting their sexuality -- especially after they are able to break through the restraints of "propriety." (What normal woman doesn't like to show off her most attractive attributes, especially while she still has them!)
Men Dwell on the Physical
Ever notice how porn for women (directed by women) tends to dwell on the lead-up and romance in a sexual encounter and porn for men dwells on the body parts and "getting to and dwelling on the main event?"
Even the language describing things tends to be different. The hotwife needs to know what her husband wants to hear about her sexual encounters -- or even if he wants to hear anything about them.
Although what follows is typical of some husbands, it needs to be emphasized that the motivations of husbands tend to vary greatly. The the wife will need to find out what specific things turn on her husband. This is especially true at the beginning when he is most apt to encounter something that will unexpectedly turn him against the idea.
The hotwife needs to remember that her husband's thinking is controlled to a great extent by his testosterone level. This controls his fantasies and as a strange as it may sound, when he's horny, he's most apt to want her to have sex with other men.
Because of this, some wives get their husbands turned on before they introduce these matters. This generally takes place during sex foreplay and it will probably mean keeping him turned on, while holding off his climax. After his climax he will probably no longer be turned on by the thought of her having sex with other men. Some men don't like to climax, because they like the feeling of always being horny.
Once men agree to something they have an ego investment in their decision and generally find it difficult to reverse themselves. However, this does not mean that if she doesn't handle things just right, he won't regret his decision, with all of the "fallout" that can accompany that.
Her sexual freedom within the marriage does not come without a "price" that she should be willing to pay.
To keep things going he must be convinced that he is the most important man in her life -- the only one she truly loves. (And we would hope this is true!) He must remain central to her life, and she will probably want him to feel that he's in charge of things (even though she might actually be pulling the strings).
We are using "waffle words" like probably throughout this because, as we've said, with hotwifery, men range all the way pimp personalities to those who want to be humiliated by their wife's sexual liaisons.
Each wife will need to find out "what does it" for her husband. Once she understands this -- and men aren't all that complicated for women who really take the effort -- and assuming she is always alert for "mid-course corrections," she will secretly hold the keys to a significant amount of power.
The fact that she has this power should not only offset any accommodations she has to make to keep things in line with her husband's thinking, but if she's smart, give her something that no other woman can offer. And since we are talking about the loss of sexual exclusivity in the marriage -- part of the "glue" that holds many marriages together -- this can be important.
Let's look at some common male fantasies and their attributes.
Many husbands like to picture their wives having sex with other men; thus, her explicit descriptions of her sexual encounters may (another "waffle word") be important to the vicarious sexual excitement the husband gets from her sexual activities -- sexual activities she might "spin" to suit his fantasies.
Fantasizing about another man with his wife, or actually watching it, is the primary motivation for many cuckold husbands. Like it or not, for many men this is even better than sex, itself.
In terms of the terminology she uses to describe things, she may want to talk about her husband making love to her, but "getting it" from other men. According to one account from a husband, "I like the fact that she lets other men fuck her." (Read into that what you will.)
Women should come to terms with the fact that for men there is aggressiveness built into the sex act. The husband may want to think of his wife as "giving it up" to another man. This detailed black-on-white case history goes into the dynamics of this from both the husband's and wife's perspective.
Not unrelated, the husband may want her to tell her lover that he can have her whenever he wants -- shades of her becoming his sex slave. At the same time, we can't entirely rule out the fact that they may be her fantasies too.
When she has sex with another man, she can't seem to enjoy it too much -- or at least not as much as with her husband. (Granted, we are probably leaving the realm of reality here!)
Some husbands like to hear about how well-endowed her lovers are; others are threatened by this. Some men like to hear that their wives freely offer themselves to men; others want to feel that she held out for a long time.
Since we are on dangerous ground with all of this, and missteps can create major problems, the wife needs to find what her husband wants to hear
Although there are cuckold husband exceptions, most husbands want to feel they are ultimate in control of their wife's encounters. As we see in the case history we cited earlier, the woman must be willing to break off a relationship that the husband feels threatens the marriage, his ego, or just because he doesn't like the man involved.
The wife also has one overriding obligation. Her husband is undoubtedly putting faith in their agreement that these sexual liaisons will not threatened the marriage. If things start to go beyond a basic sexual relationship with either the wife or her sexual partner, things should be broken off -- cold turkey! This is where almost all problems in this lifestyle start. Please read and carefully consider Encountering the Fork in the Road.
Despite all our warnings about this lifestyle, we must admit there is research to show that the people who adjust to open relationships are happier and better adjusted than people in traditional monogamous marriages. We also know that some of the most influential people in US history had open marriages.
But keep in mind these aren't your average people.
Interview With a Hotwife
Brief Background
"Marla Sue" was referred to me while I was doing work for a corporation. She had threatened a harassment suit against her division boss. Trying to avoid the consequences of this coming to light, the company suggested I meet with her.
I made it clear to management as I normally do in these cases that I would talk to her and try to figure out her thinking, but it was not my role to pressure her to drop her legal action.
Marla Sue is in her early 30's, of Swedish descent, with natural blond hair and a large bosom that the clothes she selects emphasizes. Marla Sue has a bit of a no-nonsense personality and her speech tends to be direct. She's in an open marriage, which many people know, though it is only open to her.
For months her boss had been pressuring her to go out with him. He was also prone to suggestive language whenever he was around her, which seemed to be far more often than his supervisory responsibilities required. Her co-workers had heard some of the comments and told her she should take some action against him.
The Interview Sessions
RW (Dr. Ronny West to Marla Sue): You were referred to me over the issue of possible legal action....
Marla Sue: (Interrupting) Yes, I've already decided against that; it was just a threat to get my boss off my case.
RW: Oh. So does that mean we really don't have anything to talk about?
Marla Sue: No; I mean yes. We can't make this look too easy. This gets me out of work and they are picking up your tab, so we can talk all you want.
RW: What made you change your mind about the harassment suit?
Marla Sue: Steve, my husband, said that if I did they could get come back at me on some moral turpitude clause in my contract because we have an open marriage.
RW: I see. I'm sure if they knew that it would be somehow brought up in any legal action.
Marla Sue: Yea, that what Steve said, but Steve said, that maybe just the threat of legal action would be enough.
[some chit-chat deleted]
RW: So the open marriage may be causing you some problems?
Marla Sue: Not really, it's great, except for times like this when some guy figures he has a right.
RW: Whose idea was this open marriage, yours or your husband's?
Marla Sue: We sort of agreed on it. Actually, we talked about it it even before we were married, and then a few years went past and I kind of started missing the kind of life I had before.
RW: What kind of life?
Marla Sue: You know, dating, going out with interesting guys and having sex if I want. Marriage is supposed to kill all that, but the question is why? My husband agrees that marriage shouldn't mean you suddenly have live in a cage, or something.
RW: Sex is important to you.
Marla Sue: Sure, isn't it important to you?
RW: Let's keep this about you. Open marriages can introduce a lot of problems into a relationship.
Marla Sue: Maybe, but I think it made ours better.
RW: How so?
Marla Sue: Well, hell, I like it because of like how guys take me out and all, and my husband likes to hear about what I do in bed with guys.
RW: [That one had me stumped for a while, and Marla Sue seemed to be enjoying my consternation, but after a long pause, I continued.] Okay, assuming the harassment litigation isn't going to happen, lets talk about your lifestyle; maybe you can help me with some of my research.
Marla Sue: Do I get to bill you?
RW: Sorry, you'll just have to consider it a public service for your female sisters. So you recommend an open marriage?
Marla Sue: Not for most people. Most people are really hung up about stuff like that. You of all people have got to know about that. But Steve and I can handle it and we both get something out of it -- not to mention the guys.
RW: I take it Steve's not jealous.
Marla Sue: We've had our spats over it, especially in the beginning before we agreed on some rules, like always knowing where I was and with who, and that I won't have sex with a guy unless he knows about it first.
RW: So he has to approve of the man?
Marla Sue: Sort of. Like with my boss, he doesn't like him and he said, "No way."
RW: So that was the end of it.
Marla Sue: Sure, other women would kill for the freedom I have and I'm not about to screw it up.
RW: Your husband is a good provider and he treats you okay?
Marla Sue: Sure, otherwise I wouldn't have married him or wouldn't stay with him. I had a lot of other options.
RW: But, he doesn't fill all of your sexual needs.
Marla Sue: You keep twisting things. He's a good provider, he's a great person, and I love him, but I also like a certain amount of freedom. Is that so hard to understand?
RW: You like sex and sexual variety, I think I got that part, but what's your husband getting out of this?
Marla Sue: [pauses to think about it] Yes, that one's difficult. Most guys would have served me with divorce papers for even bringing it up. [She continues to think about it.]
RW: If you have an open marriage, then I suppose he has sex with other women.
Marla Sue: He's not interested in that. Maybe it's because I'm all he can handle.
RW: If they are really interested, most men can find the energy for someone new.
[We talked about the Coolidge effect, which she hadn't heard of. Even so, she said Steve wouldn't be interested. This was followed by some general chit-chat about men.]
Marla Sue: Okay, at the beginning I had to figure out what he wanted so I could get what I wanted. I guess it was about then then I discovered that he liked to hear about how guys were drooling over me. He said it made me more of a prize.
RW: But most men would want to keep that "prize" to themselves.
Marla Sue: Yes, I know -- God, do I know! -- but Steve was different. I kind of sensed that right off. He had faith in our relationship, like he knew it was going to catch hold. But even if it didn't, I knew he would go on without being destroyed the way some guys are. I don't need to tell you, I've had some real experiences along that line!
RW: You don't seem to be too clear on what Steve's getting out of this.
Marla Sue: Well, it's like my sexual experiences transfer to him and he doesn't need his own. Frankly, I don't think he's near as interested in sex -- actually doing it -- as I am. He gets turned on by my sexual experiences and I don't hold anything back in talking about them -- you know, the details.
RW: So this is not a regular open marriage where the husband has other sexual partners. If it only involves you, it sort of makes you what's commonly called a hotwife.
Marla Sue: Yea, I guess.
RW: Does your husband have sexual performance problems?
Marla Sue: No, of course not. Well, maybe sometimes; but all men do sometimes.
RW: And you've learned to solve that by talking about your sexual experiences with other men, which seems to put someone else in your marriage bed.
Marla Sue: There you go twisting things again. Okay, I see what you mean; so maybe.
RW: So you get your sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage.
Marla Sue: Yes, I guess you could say that, but it's also something I want; maybe even need. Even when Steve and I were dating I was sleeping with other men.
RW: Did Steve know this?
Marla Sue: Yes, and he had no problem with it. I guess that's when I decided he was different and that I had to marry him before someone else got him. Like I said, other women would kill to have my freedom.
RW: So it's all about the freedom?
Marla Sue: No, damn it, I love him; how many times do I have to say it?
RW: If tomorrow Steve said this open marriage thing is a mistake and it has to stop, would you stick with him -- still love him?
Marla Sue: Yes. Damn right! He's more important than these other guys -- even though I would miss the sex and all. Maybe I would just have to get a hobby or something.
Session Two
[Following a few minutes of chit-chat, we picked up where we left off in the first session.]
RW: Considering the fact that you are openly having sex with other men, your relationship with your husband seems almost too perfect. Are you sure there are things you're not telling me?
Marla Sue: What do you think I'm not telling you?
RW: Okay, what does your husband think about the people you work with knowing that you have sex with different men?
Marla Sue: Not an issue. I tell people we have an open marriage and he has sex with other women -- gorgeous women.
RW: But that's not true.
Marla Sue: I already told you that. I do it just to sort of even things out, so people won't think I'm taking advantage of him, that he isn't a real man.
RW: Does he ever meet the men you have sex with?
Marla Sue: Sometimes a parties, but I don't just introduce a guy as someone I slept with. If he asks, I tell him, otherwise... [long pause] Sometimes he picks out guys for me or maybe offers me to a friend. Like we'll go on a trip or something and he'll let a man know that if they ask I'll probably sleep with him.
RW: And you don't mind that?
Marla Sue: I refuse if I don't like the guy, but most of the time I like to please Steve by doing it. And when he sort of initiates the whole thing, it saves me from going through all the preliminaries with a guy. It's already set up.
RW: Do you feel used when he does that?
Marla Sue:
And anyway, I kind of like the way he [Steve] wants me to go to bed with guys. It's sort of like he gives them the gift of me. And, anyway, I don't want to disappoint him [Steve].
RW: Are you scared of losing him?
Marla Sue: I don't worry about that. I do stuff he wants that probably no other women would, and he lets me do what probably no other man would let me do. It's like we are like a perfect match.
RW: Do you ever find yourself getting emotionally involved with any of your lovers?
Marla Sue: Well, I like them, but I don't love them, if that's what you mean. I have someone I love, so I don't need anyone else. Anything else?
RW: No, I guess that covers it. I hope that you boss leaves you alone now.
Marla Sue: From what I hear this whole thing has scared the shit out of him. Lately, he's been avoiding me like the plague.
The Hotwife Phenomenon
As background to understanding the hotwife phenomenon we need to start with the chart below. This data, which was compiled from a number of sources, approximates the number of affairs from 1935 to 2000.
Data varies greatly on affairs. This chart is an approximation based in part on urban, working men and women
We know that war years when the husband is away result in spikes in the figures for both men and women. With men stationed in foreign counties (prior to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars) this has been reliably measured at 85%.
Note that the number of affairs among married women has been steadily increasing and according to some research the percentage now exceeds the number for married men.
Here is additional information on the percentage of affairs.
The increasing figures for women are primarily due to the jump in number of women in the work force — especially in office environments where men and women work closely together for long hours. We, of course, have also seen social attitudes change. In many parts of our society a woman who "sleeps around a bit" is no longer branded promiscuous.
Rather than risk his wife having a secret, marriage-threatening affair with a man he doesn't know or trust, some husbands have hooked their wives up with a safe man. An example is covered in this e-mail.
What Has Spurred the Hotwife Phenomenon
Although it might surprise most women, having a hotwife ranks among the top male fantasies. This fantasy can start after a few years of marriage and thereafter intensify.
The motivations for women to decide to become hotwives cover a wide spectrum. Here, we'll cover a few of the most common. Others can be found in the associated chapters, and in particular here. A possible evolutionary motivation is covered in Dr. Lee's comments at the end of this e-mail.
While the husband's and the wife's motivations in the cuckold husband-hotwife relationship might be quite different, they share a common goal
The Wife's Motivation
Accounts of the hotwife lifestyle seldom go into any depth on the wife's motivation.
Research has shown that women have a biological propensity for having sex with multiple partners, just as men do.
In fact, when you strip away the cultural and religious suppression of the female sex drive, it appears that the sex drive in women is just as strong in women as it is in men. The extent of this repression is discussed in Sexual Empowerment for Women.
Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, but, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems.
Professional stress typically lowers the male libido (their interest in sex). On the other hand, sexually liberated women typically find that sex reduces their stress.
Rather than have their wives do without something they enjoy (and possibly even need), some (very secure) husbands decide to encourage their wives to have for-sex-only liaisons with select men.
Many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous.
While holding to the security of her primary relationship, the hotwife may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.
In historical studies it has been found that adventurous, free-loving women have been both more appealing to men and more socially powerful than women that were "only" beautiful and virtuous.
For her highly praised 2003 book, Seductress: Women Who Have Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love, Betsy Prioleau, researched the most influential women throughout the ages.
These women were seldom bound by marital fidelity, making them not unlike some of the most notable and influential men throughout the ages.
According to Prioleau, women need to awaken their suppressed sexuality, learn to experience multiple organisms, and reap the glow and excitement that comes from sexual experiences. Related books can be found on this site's bibliography.
Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy "good sex," and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers generally fall with the expectations of new sexual partners.
With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to not disappoint and to be good in bed. Therefore, as a hotwife she may know that she will be introduced to new experiences and pleasures -- not to mention the "wining and dining" that generally comes with it.
Many husbands also realize that when their wife becomes a hotwife, previous barriers may fall and she will be willing to do things that will spice up their own sex life.
According to one husband:
She was never interested in oral sex, but when she started going out with men, she soon found out that it was expected, so she got used to it, and very soon she was regularly giving me oral sex.
Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her.
For some women this can constitute a "sexual reawakening."
According to one woman,
I've found a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband or even being worried about what people will think.
If I want to go out with an interesting guy and if he wants to take me to bed, I have the freedom to just let it happen. Some of the best sex I've ever had started this way.
At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant.
Therefore, she knows she needs to be careful in being totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there are no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It means that she will have to constantly monitor her husband's feelings about what she is doing. It may also mean that in some cases the husband may want to approve of the men she goes out with.
In some circles a woman may wear a conspicuous ankle bracelet on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife.
According to one wife, "I always wear it because whenever I see it I'm reminded that I have sexual freedom." (At the same time, of course, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without attributing any special significance.)
Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that, although married, she has sexual freedom. According to one hotwife, "I'm no knockout--never have been--but since a lot of guys like 'a sure thing,' I end up enjoying some good sex."
Many couples feel that their particular jobs and lifestyles are being pretty dull and routine, and to compensate they may search for a strong diversion.
For most people sexual diversions end up being the most absorbing and, therefore, having the most power
One woman said, "At first I was very nervous about people finding out that I 'slept around.' But after a while, I found that I was coming right out and telling people. Until that time I was kind of invisible to men, but now men are coming on to me.
"...I like the male attention I'm getting, and I'm just doing what I secretly wanted to do all along, but felt I shouldn't...."
Women As Sex Objects?
Many women fear that being a hotwife turns then into sex objects. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are discovering that they can enjoy sex just as much as men do
Most women have lived their lives trying to act "like proper women" and shunning men "who have one thing on their minds." Now, according to one woman, "I've finally gotten around to being honest -- letting guys know I like sex."
The Husband's Motivation
For the husband, wanting to have a hotwife often represents a classical psychological approach-avoidance conflict.
While he may be quite stimulated by the idea and would like to let his wife enjoy sexual freedom, at the same time, these desires conflict with very strong feelings of jealousy, and possessiveness and fears about what people may think. Most of all, he is generally concerned about losing his wife's affection.
Husbands have many motivations for encouraging their wives to be hotwives. We will touch on many of these and provide links to explanations and examples.
First, there is the possibility that the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. (Note statistics in affairs cited at the beginning of this chapter.) He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs.
In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The hotwife husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional involvement. In fact, if emotional involvement is suspected, that outside relationship must be terminated.
In some cases the husband may either not be able to keep up with his wife's sexual needs, or because of age or medications, may no longer be able to sexually "perform" to her satisfaction.
Keeping up with my young wife's sexual needs was getting more and more difficult -- even a bit of a chore.
After I hinted to certain men that my wife was 'easy,' they started pursuing her.
...At the same time I encouraged her to go out with them and let them take her to bed.
" ...Before long she got used to regularly getting it from different men. ...So now she's happy, they are happy, and I'm sort of off the hook.
The fact that his wife will readily let men take her to bed while still being firmly committed to the relationship may make her more exciting and desirable to the husband. We'll have more on the cuckold husband's motivations.
Most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public.). But, among select men, they may want their wives to be known as easy to get into bed.
Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to the vast majority — these husbands believe that a healthy and well-adjusted woman should enjoy sex and has the right to be just as open about it as men. Regular sex has both physical and psychological benefits for a womran.
The husband involved may pride himself in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man's wife).
When we first started considering this option, we had a lot of fears: we feared what people would think about us, we feared how it would affect our relationship, we feared STD, we feared unexpected emotional involvement.
But, once we agreed on the rules and plunged in, and after a few very rocky episodes, we were eventually able to handle things. Now we see a lot of benefits
The hotwife may realize that her sexual freedom depends on her husband's continued sexual excitement over what she is doing.
Although she may know that a good bit of this is based on his fantasies, if she is smart, she will cater to these, keeping in mind that what she is doing this as much for his benefit as for hers.
The dynamics of a hotwife-cuckold husband relationship can represent a delicate balancing act for a hotwife. This is covered in more detail here.
The Hotwife - Cuckold Husband Marriage
Although many question the nature of the hotwife-cuckold husband marriage, the two commonly share a deep love for each other. Ironically. the hotwife lifestyle (if it's handled right) can even bring the two of them closer together.
Among other things it often spark sexual excitement in the male—having a bit of competition will do that—and make him more attentive.
He may move into bit of a courting mode. And, the couple may find that the true basis for their marriage is (or at least should be) based on love, and not sexual exclusivity or a legal obligation.
The cuckold husband is typically not interested in having sex with other women. (This would constitute "swinging," which is very different.) He seems to be satisfied with just vicariously experiencing his wife's sexual experiences.
Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually "hot" may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride?) At the same time she must appear (before him and others) to be totally devoted to him. According to one hotwife, "I like men, but I love my husband."
For Those Considering This Lifestyle
Those considering this lifestyle should keep in mind that what may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido, or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake.
The result can easily be -- and often is -- regret and marital estrangement.
Clearly, the hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even so, many people we've heard from have learned to master it as shown in many of our letters, including "The Long Night Home."
The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as being exclusively theirs.
You must remember that it was not all that many years ago that the wife was considered the property of the husband and even the **** of a wife was more of an affront to him and his ****** than it was to the woman who was *****.
Some religions and autocratic groups still use the control of sex as a way of controlling people. Except for religious and political cults of one type of another, we have largely abandoned such views.
Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by the prospect of open relationships.
However, for the vast majority, that time is not now.
Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn't.
With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that allows his wife to have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.
This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the "wife as the husband's property" notion says that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control.")
Although the following may be a bit defensive and reactionary, here are the words of one cuckold husband:
Sure, there are Neanderthals that think of her as a bit of a slut, but that's their problem.
At least she is not like the prissy, tight-assed, 'not-tonight' women that many husbands suffer with
While many couples try to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won't have this concern.
All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in some countries, one wonders if somewhere down the road the society won't be ready to accept open relationships and hotwives. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.
Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the "justifications" for dissolving relationships.
Finding A Hotwife
Men are always hitting on my wife and she enjoys it, so I finally just said, "As long as you follow our rules you don't need to say no
We've gotten letters from quite a few men who want to be married to a hotwife. We've also gotten letters from women who want to move in this direction -- with their husband's permission.
For a husband to spring these intentions on a wife after five or ten years of marriage may yield, as they say in computer lingo, "unpredictable results."
But, above all, once a husband starts in this direction he must be very sure he can live with the results.
And then there is this: If, after explaining this fully, a wife is dead set against moving in this direction, simply drop it and move onto other things in life.
But, what if you are not married and are looking for a hotwife?
Keep in mind that what follows is exactly the opposite of what most men are looking for in a partner. Here, the man is looking for a woman who is sexually liberated, but otherwise faithful to the relationship
Look At the Woman's History
Some men who are looking for a hotwife start thinking about the "girls" in high school or college that had a reputation for regularly having sex — and, we would hope, enjoying it. (In high schools today a large percentage of the girls are having sex, and an even higher percentage in college -- so that's not too difficult.)
Even so, women vary greatly in their ability to genuinely enjoy sex. It's best not to find this out after the marriage ceremony.
Some might assume that the girls with "sexual experience" have to resort to sex to compensate for not being that attractive. If this was ever the case, it no longer is. Some of the most attractive girls in high school and college are the most sexually active. This probably has something to do with the fact that men more vigorously pursue them.
The same applies to hotwives. Many are very attractive. The fact that these wives attract men who want to get them into bed often sparks the hotwife idea with their husbands.
Men are always hitting on my wife and she enjoys it, so I finally just said, "As long as you follow our rules you don't need to say no."
In his initial conversations with a woman being considered as a hotwife the man does not want to do is "tip his hand." This may induce her to simply be agreeable, which is something that people initially tend to do in dating situations.
Although she probably might not want to admit that if she were married she would want to continue to date men, he might be able to find out she was at least open to this possibility.
Once this is established, he can talk about the hotwife lifestyle in general. Getting her reaction from these chapters might be a good beginning. Her response might range all the way from "That sounds kind of interesting," to "That's definitely not right!" If he sees that the latter seems pretty well set in her mind, he should immediately move on before any long-term expectations arise.
Search Related Internet Sites
Another approach is the Internet. Here, however, he may find that many women "take on personalities" to interest (lure?) men.
Based on our e-mail, more than one man has decided to let a woman (who often lives in a distant city) move in with him, based on correspondence and possibly one in-person meeting.
It is only then that he discovers that she is quite different than he assumed — or maybe he wanted to assume. Of course once she relocates and moves in, things can get rather messy — legally and otherwise.
We mention this, not to condemn romances and relationships that start out on the Internet, but as a warning to both men and women. Through wishful thinking and selective perception, it's easy to make assumptions that later turn out to be false. Something as major as this requires considerable investigation.
Look For Adulterous Ex-Wives
The next possibility is talking to friends and possibly business associates about marriages that have broken up over the wife's adultery. This sometimes indicates a woman with strong sexual needs who has found that she can only fully meet them through extramarital sex.
However, watch out for the woman who has no sense of loyalty to anyone — except possibly to herself.
Most cases of adultery will involve a man that the woman has become emotionally involved with. If this is a man who is married and who clearly won't leave his wife, the cuckold man may want to offer her the freedom to continue this dead-end relationship. However, this probably means that she is emotionally involved in another man.
Foreign Prostitutes
Some men look to foreign countries where millions of women have to work as prostitutes to support their families. In order to be "successful," these women are generally rather attractive.
Unlike the United States and many countries where intelligent women have many professional options, for many third-world women prostitution is necessary for survival. This does not mean that they are "bad women," just that they have had to to this to survive and possibly to support a ******.
However, it may mean that they have become a bit "hardened" by some of their experiences with men. Watch out for women who below the surface mistrust all men -- or even secretly hate them. This is often associated with early molestation and it may not be immediately evident.
Although there are risks involved in marrying a woman from a totally different culture—and we talk about that elsewhere on this site—if you spend the time to really get to know the woman (and, ideally, her ****** too), these marriages can work out very well.
Your two biggest problems will be getting INS approval, which has gotten more difficult in recent years, and being able to really get to know the woman before marriage.
The fact that she has worked a prostitute (if it's known by the police) will get her rejected for coming to most countries. In many countries, such as the Philippines, with its estimated 300,000 prostitutes (primarily supported by U.S. servicemen) there are seldom arrests for prostitution.
Many servicemen have knowingly married foreign prostitutes—not being able to pass up a young and attractive girl, regardless of what she had to do to survive. Again, she may have been blessed with beauty and her ****** may have counted on her sex work just to survive.
Before things get too far along, consider a full health check-up for her. This may have to be done anyway before she can get her papers to come to your country.
Although some people might feel that bringing a woman like this into an open marriage is a form of exploitation, few could argue that she wouldn't be much better off than if she stayed in her country an continued her profession. (Today, a great many of these women die of AIDS.)
At the same time, the man must be perfectly clear in explaining his lifestyle. And, there is no guarantee that after marriage, she may suddenly decide to leave all vestiges of her previous sexual behavior behind.
Although some of these women just want to escape their country and their economic conditions and they may leave the marriage once they get settled in the new country, others end up being very dedicated, grateful, and attentive wives.
You should also keep in mind that if you marry her you may be expected to contribute to her ******'s welfare—a gesture that should be based in your own gratitude and willingness to help some people who are probably very much in need of help. Not only is it the least you can do, but her ongoing gratitude may strengthen the marriage.
Many of these women have children, which largely dictated their economic need to start with, and you may need to consider the implications of this. At the same time, you may find that these children are much better behaved than the average child in your own country.
Look For Submissive Women
Some men look for a clearly submissive woman who has been "guided" by a previous man.
Although some cuckold husbands look for a dominant woman — even one that regularly humiliates them sexually — most (at least, according to our mail) like a submissive woman.
Some submissive women want a man to push them into new sexual experiences.
Some submissive women take to bondage and even like to be put in situations with men that will result in inevitable sex. As we've noted elsewhere, this may mean that she wants to escape guilt and responsibility for something that for her is sexually exciting but forbidden. Of course you can find yourself on dangerous ground here.
We've gotten letters from married women who sought out affairs with men who "took charge" and were dominate -- characteristics they were looking for in a relationship, but said their husbands lacked
Submissive women who are in between dominant relationships are often looking for a man to replace a previous one, and this may be an opportunity for (some types of) cuckold men to take over. Of course, the question arises: "Why did the previous dominant-submissive relationship break up?" Trying to discover this can be critical for a number of reasons. Is she quite neurotic? Does she move in and out of her submissive personality? Are there shades of bipolar hypersexuality here?
Although the women's movement bulks at the idea, there are many submissive women who feel adrift if a man isn't "calling the shots." (Of course, there are probably just as many women who want to call the shots themselves.)
If there is genuine love in a dominant-submissive relationship, a woman may be better off with this type of man than being constantly buffeted by the opinions and desires of others. (We'll leave the need for her personal growth and responsibility out of this for now.)
Submissive women may in Internet chat rooms talk about things that they would like a man to do — generally involving sex. Often, there will be a trace of a need for humiliation in the wording. Again, you can't believe everything you read, and the only way to find out what's really behind the words it to initiate ongoing correspondence followed up with telephone conversations and in-person meetings.
Suffice it to say, a significant number of hotwives have submissive personalities and are simply going along with the desires of their husbands or boyfriends. Although this type of personality can be volatile and even unpredictable, some cuckold husbands feel that the benefits outweigh the possible problems.
Why Marry Her?
While it's certainly not necessary, the cuckold husband typically gets much more excitement out of having a wife that lets men take to bed than "just" a girlfriend.
For one thing he feels that she is more apt to stick with him through her sexual relationships. The same can be said for what the hotwife feels about the security of marriage.
According to one husband, 'Men know she's mine, and although they can barrow her, they can't have her.
Since he knows her and loves her, he can share in the sexual excitement and pleasure that he encourages her to experience.
Being able to vicariously share the sexual experience and pleasure she gets from having sex with men (and that men have with her) motivates many cuckold husbands
For her — a married woman — there is often a certain excitement in breaking the taboo about extramarital sex while maintaining the security and "emotional anchor" of marriage.
Live Together First
The couple needs to live together for a number of months (at least) before contemplating marriage. Among other things the man will want to make sure that her time with other men does not affect their primary relationship.
The cuckold husband needs to verify the fact that this woman is really interested in dating other men, enjoys sex with them, and has a desire to date different men. At the same time he wants to make sure that she is able to keep the primary relationship primary.
Just because the hotwife has sex with other men should in no way diminish her love for her husband
There is one last question to consider.
Since beauty fades and sexual interests eventually wanes, you need to ask if this a relationship that has other important things going for it? Without the hotwife-cuckold husband elements, do you truly have enough in common to enjoy a life together?
Understanding the Cuckold Husband
Part I
Even though it may seem strange to her and totally contrary to expected male attitudes, it's essential that the hotwife understand the motivation of her cuckold husband.
This is the key to avoiding major problems
For the cuckold husband his wife's sexual pleasures and experiences may become his vicarious sexual pleasures and experiences. In a way, this is not much different than people who like to experience the experiences of others through such things as TV, films, and books.
Elsewhere, we refer to the shared experience motivation This comes from a husband watching his wife's sexual pleasure. Some men have reported that watching their wives enjoy sex with someone else, including building to a climax, is even more enjoyable than having sex themselves. Although this is undoubtedly a voyeuristic aspect to this, with many men there also seems to be an element of witnessing and sharing an intense, pleasurable moment with someone they love.
In the case of sex, however, things for the husband can also be very personal. Not only does it involve sex, one of the most stirring human experiences, but also something presumably very close to him, his wife.
The fact that they are doing something that's taboo, while providing pleasure for all involved, adds to the intensity of the experience.
There are several explanations for a man's desire to share his wife with other men. An evolutionary one is explained at the end of this e-mail. Other motivations can be found on this site.
How a Wife Can Recognize A Cuckold Husband
First, he may admit that he fantasizes about her in bed with another man.
The latter will be especially evident when he's turned on. When she sees that he's in the right sexual mood, she may want to support this fantasy as a way of opening the door to her sexual freedom.
She may find that he gets turned on when she talks about her past sexual encounters -- especially if they include explicit details. (Women tend to think about the romantic elements; men the physical elements.)
He shouldn't be surprised if he encourages her to wear revealing clothes on some occasions to catch the attention of men -- and even to send a message.
He probably doesn't want her to openly "come on" to other men, but to just send the signal, 'I'm easy
Throughout this discussion we're assuming the new definition of cuckold husband.
As we've noted in previous chapters, the hotwife will have her own motivations for wanting sexual freedom. Her husband's (the cuckold husband's) motivations will typically be quite different.
Some might assume that the cuckold husband wants to degrade his wife or turn her into a kind of slut.
Although human motivations cover a wide spectrum and it's hard to rule out this type of motivation, we know from our correspondence that many of these husbands genuinely love their wives and with a "do unto others" motivation, want them to enjoy new sexual experiences.
From our feedback it seems that another motivation is to see the wife break through the sexual barriers and taboos that are common in our society.
It should not come as a surprise that after a wife with limited sexual experience has sex with several lovers, she becomes much less inhibited about sex. Her new spirit of sexual adventure will undoubtedly be brought into the married couple's bedroom and sexual conversations.
The cuckold husband may want his wife to be seen as "hot" and possibly even "easy." It's been documented that when men are around this type of woman their testosterone level goes up. Studies even indicate that competition for a female — in this case the wife — positively affects the nature of the husband's sperm, making it more likely that he can impregnate her. (Undoubtedly, there is some evolutionary aspect to this.)
Although the cuckold husband is married to her and has seemingly won the "competition," just seeing other vying for her not only affects the nature of his sperm, but seems to add both to her value and his status in having her.
Although he wants to keep the marriage solid, he may like to be part of the competition for her. As a result, he will probably go out of his way to keep her happy. Some (very secure) men like to encourage this type of competition, especially since they have, in a sense, already won it.
Many cuckold husbands want their wives to be the exact opposite of most women.
They want their wives to develop (or unleash) their desire for sexual experience and pleasure.
Meeting Vicarious Needs
We can't rule out the issue of control.
Most (but not all) of today's cuckold husbands want to feel they are ultimately in control of their hotwives. They may want to influence her decisions over the lovers she selects. Some want the power to have their wives sleep with certain men and not others.
According to one man:
My wife is shy and sort of fears rejection, so she wants me to set things up for her. ...She says she wants to know from the start that he wants to take her to bed, with none of the traditional "games" involved.
...Sometimes I'll see a man and picture him in bed with my wife. If I think it will be an interesting match, I'll talk to him and mention that she's easy for men to get into bed.
The cuckold husband will probably want assurance that if he at any time suspects that she's becoming emotionally involved with a lover, or if a sexual relationship seems to be negatively affecting the marriage, he can insist that she breaks it off -- and she will.
While some might feel these issues center in control, others will feel that they are simply necessary safeguards for the marriage.
From a husband who watched his wife climax with another man --
At that moment they both looked like they were experiencing ecstasy and I was happy for them.
I definitely love Sherry and I want her to be able to regularly experience this kind of intense pleasure.
Why should I let feelings of possessiveness or jealousy stand in the way?
This husband was able to vicariously share his wife's sexual excitement and pleasure, and this man's pleasure in making it with a new and desirable woman.
The following example gives more insight into the cuckold husband's feelings.
This husband said he came home to find his wife on the living room couch with a stud-looking guy that she had apparently just met. The two apparently didn't hear him come in and, "I didn't want to interrupt things, so I watched out of sight while things progressed."
Of course, how husbands react at this point illustrates how the husbands of hotwives differ from most husbands.
First, as they quietly talked for some time, the two of them started to touch each other. Then they started to lightly kiss, and that soon led to deep-mouth kissing. Soon, he pushed her down on the couch.
His hands then moved up under her clothes and I could see her expression change as she realized where this was headed... At the same time she knew she had permission to have sex with different men.
As he worked her, I could see my wife getting hot and starting to make her "don't stop" noises. Then, all their clothes came off.
...Once they started -- and it lasted a long time -- couldn't help but think how beautiful my wife looked in sex.
Although a wife may think that some of the symptoms of a cuckold husband are strange, even neurotic, she needs to accept the fact that a many husbands want to be married to a hotwife. As we've noted previously, this appears one of the top fantasies among men.
Fantasies that are "outside the norm" can spice up a relationship. (She undoubtedly has engaged in her own fantasies, so she shouldn't be judgmental.) At various places on this site we cover this topic in some detail, including here.
Things For the Hotwife to Keep in Mind
The hotwife needs to realize that under the right circumstances her husband may be just as much turned on by her sexual activities with other men as he is by sex within the marriage—in many cases even more.
Although it may bother her that he seems to be more interested in her having sex with another man that he is with having sex with her, this is often nature of this phenomenon, and the better she understands it the better things will go.
Interestingly, a husband who knows his wife who has just spent time with a lover is often more passionate in subsequent lovemaking. According to one husband, "There's something about knowing that another man has just had my wife that makes her more exciting." She may be still wet and turned on from a previous lover.
At the same time, to protect her sexual freedom and to protect her marriage, the hotwife has to handle things very carefully. This includes catering to her husband's motivations, including his fantasies about her.
Most hotwives consider this small price to pay for sexual freedom. This freedom can be especially significant if sex in the marriage has diminished or even disappeared
For the hotwife this can be a delicate balancing act.
If she does not understand and handle this in the right way, she may find that her husband becomes cold and jealous rather than encouraging her activities.
She needs to realize that her husband has to adjust to his wife not being sexually exclusive to him. He may have meet men who have had or want to have sex with her.
To compensate for any suspected loss of his virility, the husband may want to remind others of his own previous sexual escapades. (She might help him in this.) At the same time to prove his lack of jealousy, he may freely admit to men that his wife regularly enjoys sex with men.
A few cuckold husbands don't mind meeting the wife's lovers; some prefer never to see them and to let their imagination run free.
How He Wants Her to Appear
Each cuckold husband will be different, of course -- these motivations tend to be on a wide sliding scale — but after the relationship or marriage has existed for a number of years (and if there is real communication going on about such issues), she should be aware of his thoughts and motivations.
If this type of communication does not exist, now is the time to initiate it. For one thing, it's necessary for a close relationship, and especially for an open relationship.
Wives should also keep in mind that many affairs have started when a man discovered a woman who encouraged this level of honesty and openness. This short example illustrates this.
As we've noted, this may include the fact husband wants her to wear revealing clothes when they go to a bar or nightclub. He may encourage her to dance with men and he may be turned on by seeing these men become sexually excited by her. According to one man, "The fact that guys get hot around her makes me feel as I've really got something. Maybe they can "borrow," but they can't "have."
According to another man,
This young guy kept wanting to dance with my wife. These were slow dances and he held her really close and I could see him looking down her dress. With the dress she was wearing I'm sure he could see everything. I saw pretty clear evidence of an erection, which I'm sure she felt.
I think the fact that she could turn on this young guy the way she did gave her a real ego boost. ...I'm sure before long she was wondering what it would be like in bed with him.
That night in bed our fantasies centered around giving him her phone number and agreeing to meet him in a motel. My wife said doing that would be exciting and she explained in some detail what she wanted to happen.
Maybe it was just part of the fantasy, but she said she would do it. Of course, then I came, and suddenly wasn't interested in the fantasy any more.
The latter comment, which has implications in all of these discussions, is important for hotwives to keep in mind. These feelings are very much rooted in the husband's testosterone level, which can change from hour to hour and day to day. (And men think women have mood swings!)
She may soon pick up on the fact that when he's horny, he is most apt to encourage her to have sex with another man
She might even come out and ask rather teasingly — possibly whispering in his ear during foreplay —"Joe wants to get me into bed. Should I let him?"
Although in reality the chances of this happening may range from slim to nonexistent at this point, the object is to turn her husband on by getting him to think about it and agree to it. Just giving her permission, opens the door to a possibility that many men find strangely energizing and intriguing.
At the same time this may give the wife an opportunity to show a "slutty" side of herself.
According to one wife,
I guess there was this secret side of me that wanted to express itself -- but was afraid. With my husband's encouragement I started daring myself to wear revealing clothes when we were out of town.
First, it was no bra. When I got used to men staring at my boobs, I dispensed with my panties.
This one time when we were sitting on a bench across from a man. I was wearing a short skirt and my husband, who knew I wasn't wearing panties. He dared me to uncross my legs. After a while, he said, "Now open your legs." Finally I did. The whole time I was pretending I was reading a brochure I had.
At first I had my legs tightly closed. But gradually I opened them. Doing that made a strange excitement come over me.
You have no idea how much courage that took, and how much excitement it created to know that I guy I'd never met was staring at my pussy and I was doing nothing about it. I kept pretending that I was ******* that he was staring. My husband made me sit that way until I got used to it. It took some time, but after a while, it didn't matter.
That day some kind of major barrier dissolved in me and I keep thinking about it. I want to experience that kind of excitement again, but only if my husband is with me.
Finally, as we've suggested, it is common for a (white) cuckold husband to fantasize about his (wife) wife in bed with a black man. It is not a coincidence that there are scores of Internet sites devoted to black-on-white sex.
We have elected not to deal here with the cuckold husband as the humiliated "helpless victim" aspect of hotwives and cuckold husband phenomenon, primarily because it opens an entirely different aspect of this issue.
This type of cuckold husband wants his wife to completely control her sexual encounters—giving him no choice in the matter. This case history that illustrates this cuckold husband characteristic. She may flaunt these encounters in front of him, even giving details on how great her lovers were (compared to him).
Her fantasy may be to force her husband to watch her have sex with one or more men—even going so far as to tie him to a chair so he must witness it. The goal is to humiliate him—something which turns him on to "endure." Many women are turned on by their own sexual humiliation, but this generally takes a different form.
Part II
Should Fantasies Turn Into Realities?
Although many wives are happy to indulge their husband's fantasies, when things start to get real, they will put on the brakes.
And this is where things can get difficult in a marriage.
Again, a warning: These fantasies are almost always best left as fantasies.
As many couples have found out, opening a marriage represents a bell that, as they say, that can't be unrung.
Even so, based on our e-mail many people -- both husbands and wives -- clearly want to go down this road. Thus, we feel we should offer feedback from letters and personal interviews.
We need to add at this point that according to our correspondence, many husbands who have harbored these fantasies for years have finally reach a point of insisting that their wives take the next step. Sadly, there are quite a few ex-husbands that went in this direction.
As we've previously said, a woman should be in charge of her own body, and if she's dead set against this, it's best not to push it (and only add more resistance). Simply move on to other things in life.
At the same time some husbands simply tell their wives that they want them to sleep with men, not giving them much choice if they want to stay in the marriage.
These are often men with "issues" about women that suggest a need for therapy. As one such man said, revealing a bit of hostility: "I want men to regularly f**k her."
And from the introductory chapter on this topic a kind of typical view from a cuckold husband:
I definitely don't want to lose my wife to another man, but at the same time I fantasize about her getting it from other men.
I guess I want it both ways. A wife that is totally devoted to me, but a wife that lets men take her to bed.
Maybe it's too much to hope for, or maybe it's against human nature, but I want our marriage to survive by totally trusting in "love" and not requiring sexual exclusivity.
...Maybe this is the ultimate test of love.
When Fantasies Turn Into Realities
While most husbands (fortunately) have a quite different attitude, human behavior is never free of hidden motivations.
We can explore some of these motivations through the e-mail we get.
According to one man:
"My wife has this tight, dark red dress that I got her with a front that falls open when she leans over. Without a bra, it shows her complete breasts.
"At first, it bothered her to wear it, but she got used to it. Now, she admits she likes to see the effect she can have on men."
Since our letters reveal much of the cuckold husband's motivation, and that's the topic of this chapter, we'll use several quotes.
"I've gotten her to wear these revealing, "I want it," outfits.
"..I often ask her how long it took before they were in bed. ...She knows I like to hear the details..."
The following is also from E-Mail.
"I always have to bring work home. After not doing much all day, my wife got on my case about going out and doing something.
"Of course, that's generally the very last thing I feel like doing.
"This one time just to get her out of the house, so I could catch up on some work, encouraged her to go out with a neighbor who was celebrating his birthday. (I had suggested it to him and I encouraged her to wear a rather revealing dress.)
"They had some drinks and he ended up doing her in the back of his van.
"She was reluctant to tell me, but that night in bed I felt the evidence. She was surprised I wasn't mad. ...We talked about the "rules," and then I encouraged her to go out with him again.
"...She did, and then he told another guy and then that guy started asking her out.
"...Now when she goes out with one of these guys I know that by the time she gets back she'll be worn out, not to mention having her needs met."
Although we will take up a couple letters form women a bit later in this chapter, let's add one more (rewritten) segment from a male writer.
"We like to keep the evenings to ourselves, so my wife invites men over in the afternoon when I'm at work—or, more often, they call her and invite themselves over.
"She always tells me exactly when they are coming over, so when I'm at work I can sort of figure when a guy has her in bed.
"...I like to picture what they are doing.
"When I get home I can generally just see by the way she looks that she's been with a guy.
"She used to make the bed and stuff before I got home, but now I think she figures I like to see where it took place.
"I often see the condom the guy used in a little dish on the night stand where she told him to put it.
"...Although she's a housewife, she's definitely not a bored housewife."
And then there is this:
"She wasn't used to all that much sex in our marriage, so once the door was opened [to sex outside of the marriage], I pushed her to not to back away from guys the way she was used to. I challenged her to let guys know she was available. It took a while, but once some guys found out, she got very popular."
And quoting from another letter:
"I can remember how great it was the first time I had sex with her, so I know how these guys must feel [having sex with] her."
Another husband talked about the excitement of having a hotwife.
"My wife used to be kind of hung-up about sex, but once [I got her into being a hotwife] she's more exciting in the way she acts, dresses, everything.
"...Most guys are kind of shy about initiating things, so I coached her in developing this subtle way of coming on to a guy with her eyes that makes it clear that she's willing.
"...When she gets ready for a date, she acts like some teenager!
"And, of course, when she gets back she generally has that just-got-out-of-bed, well used but very satisfied and a bit guilty look that I like to see.
"...And I guess since she has some guilt about, she's super nice to me."
And finally -
"..Sometimes when she's bored and getting on my nerves I encourage my wife to call a guy and go over to his house. ...They both know it's for sex."
Dealing With What Others May Think
Although we've previously alluded to this issue, since it can be so significant, it merits its own section.
Most couples that open their relationships — and this includes a wife that turns into a hotwife — will probably find that if they really want to -- and they can get through a period of major adjustment -- they can handle it.
It's other people that have the problem.
In a corporate environment where one spouse works this can result in rumors that can affect attitudes toward one or both partners.
Interestingly, it's generally not what people are saying, but what one or both partners think they might be saying, that can be the problem.
In most sophisticated urban environments the fact that affairs are going on isn't exactly "front page news" unless it involves someone of major importance within the company.
Given a bit of time, women seem to be able to adjust to this better than men. According to one woman -
"At first I figured that everyone was talking about my sleeping with different men, especially since one of them was black.
"But, when I didn't seem to be trying to hide it or really care what they thought, it eventually became a non-issue."
As we've noted, men have the greatest problem. There are still conservative views held by men who think that any man that can't keep his wife under control isn't much of a man.
This is one of the reasons some men prefer real or claimed open relationships. They can simply say they are doing the same thing.
According to one man -
It took a while, especially when I met guys that knew Ann was having sex with different guys.
"To explain things, I've been alluding to her sexual appetite and my own sexual freedom.
"...Looking at her and knowing that she has no problem letting men take her to bed, somehow makes her seem more sexy and desirable."
At the same time, many open marriages remain discrete and are never discovered by coworkers or friends. In today's urban environments people can have very different, non-overlapping circles of friends.
We heard of one couple that often entertains members of their church in their home, people that would never suspect that the couple often hosts weekend sex parties. (Two studies have found a positive correlation between conservative views and swinging.)
Cuckold Husband Fantasies
From the cuckold husband's perspective there is sometimes a "taming of the shrew element" in having a hotwife. This is discussed in some detail in this chapter.
The husband may fantasize about a powerful (safe) man sexually awakening and dominating a sexually reluctant wife and forcing her to break free of her sexual inhibitions -- doing things in bed that she's never done before.
According to one writer (rewritten from e-mail):
"One of my fantasies is that my wife (who's rather hung up about sex) would find herself completely stranded for two or more months in a remote lodge with several very horny men.
"Although she hasn't ever wanted to consider extra-marital sex, the guys would wear her down and after a while she would end up regularly providing them all with sex.
"And then when she finally comes home she's completely changed and has gotten used to doing it all."
As we said, these are fantasies. According to another writer:
"...If I knew she would be safe, I would want her to work as a prostitute until it became no big deal to do everything with men.
"..I would like to think of her as getting it from some man every night before she gets home.
"Although I would want her to use condoms, there's a part of me that would like to reach down and find that she was still very wet with some man's cum. ...I would like to see her breasts red form men that have sucked on them..."
Although most (but definitely not all women) would shutter in reading these fantasies, they are provided as a way of illustrating how men fantasize about forcing their wives to break through sexual barriers.
In fact, some women, who are reluctant to have new sexual experiences, fantasize about bondage, where they wouldn't have a choice. The psychological reasons underlying this are explained elsewhere.
Viewpoints of Hotwives
Although we don't get many letters from hotwives, possibly some detailed quotes from what we have will make up for the deficiency. The first account is based on e-mail and some follow-up questions.
"When my husband first brought it up—I guess that was several years ago—I really wasn't interested in what's now called a hotwife; I mean not only was I was raised to believe that extra-marital sex was a real no-no, but I just wasn't interested.
"...But, before we were married I did a lot of dating, and, looking back, I know I enjoyed going out with different men, having them wine and dine me and all -- making me feel really special.
"And, of course, sex was often a part of that. After a while, I found myself thinking about the good times I had back then.
"So when my husband kept talking about it [being a hotwife], I really started to consider it.
"When he found that I was interested, we did a lot of talking; you know, the rules of the game and all. And we agreed on just how it would be.
"When an opportunity came up with a man at work—this guy had been trying to get into my pants for a long time—I asked my husband, and said, 'Go for it.'
"That's how it started. And then I kind of let certain guys know that I was available and they could take me to bed.
"It gives a woman a certain feeling of power to know that guys pursue her and will wine and dine her, just for the chance to get her into bed.
"Most people think the bed part is some sort of a price women have to pay, but, as far as I'm concerned, it generally ends up being the best part of the evening.
"It's just like dating again. But now have a secure life [in my marriage] with most everything I want.
"Being a hotwife, I don't have to worry about a jealous husband or the whole thing wrecking my marriage.
"And then there's the fact that guys sort of compete for me...
"...Although as far as I'm concerned our marriage is strong, and I guess you could say now my husband doesn't take me for granted the way so many husbands do."
"I've also learned—after a few bad episodes—just how to handle things with my husband.
"I can't seem to have too much fun, I can't talk about the fact that the guy is really super (even if he is), and, above all I have to be really affectionate [toward my husband] to constantly assure him that nobody is more important that he is.
"...My husband likes to hear about the guy's penis, how big it was, how much of it I could get it all in my mouth, and what positions we were in when we did it. He especially likes to hear about how the guy came in me.
"At first I was reluctant to talk about these things — and, yes, it's a bit strange maybe — but I found out that's what he wants to hear about, so I figure I can do that.
And, finally, this feedback from an woman -
"The women that are all hung up about this [being a hotwife], just don't know what an advantage it can be for a married woman to be given this kind of freedom.
"...If I meet an interesting guy, I know that I don't have to play 'do not touch,' like good wives are supposed to. Right from the beginning I know that sex is an option -- without hiding it or worrying about getting caught by a jealous husband."
How Can I Turn My Wife Into a Hotwife?
The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with having new sexual partners; she is not looking for a new love relationship
A woman should be in control of her body, and that control should not be taken away or even infringed upon.
To try to push her into things that she is 100% dead set against will only cause major problems.
So if this is very clearly the case, forget it; move on to other things in life.
Question, "How can I turn my wife into a hotwife?"
As difficult as it might be for many people to understand, the issue of "getting my wife to have sex with other men" is now major topic on the Internet — in particular in Internet chatrooms.
In addition, to being asked this question, we've gotten letters that include a number of suggestions and personal experiences.
At the same time, writers tell us to warn readers that the reality is quite different than the fantasy.
We should note that this fantasy almost never starts at the beginning of relationships or when a couple is just starts living together, but generally only after the people have gotten to know each other and feel they can risk opening the relationship.
By then she may be starting to miss the sexual freedom she had before marriage, and the husband may feel secure enough in the marriage to allow her to, or want her to, experience sex with other men.
Simply put, if all three of these factors are not present, the couple should not move in this direction.
Whereas being "that kind of woman" was once seen as a disgrace, in this age of female sexual liberation many wives don't mind admitting that they enjoy male attention and the freedom to go to bed with men who interest them.
Being what is termed to 'hotwife' is an attractive option for many women, and convincing a wife to move in this direction may end up not be an issue at all.
The fact that the hotwife is married (and presumably is not going to pursue marriage or get pregnant) makes this kind of woman more desirable to many men. She represents free,"no-strings-attached-sex."
If a man doesn't treat her right, is not that attentive in bed, or simply "gets boring," she can easily move on without disrupting her life. She may consider it "the best of both worlds."
However, from my e-mail I also know that many more wives are not interested in becoming hotwives, even though they enjoy sex and may have had numerous sexual partners before marriage. If negative religious, cultural, and personal conditioning about sexual exclusivity is too strong it will probably never happen.
It also depends to a great extent on the nature and frequency of her prior sexual experience. Women who have for some time paired sex with dating don't see that being a hotwife as being a major change over their prior dating behavior.
This chapter is designed for relationships where --
(1.) the two partners have talked this over, have agreed on some rules, and have mutually decided to move in this direction
(2) the woman wants to enlist her partner's help in moving in this direction
(3) the husband has thought it over and not only wants his wife to have other sexual partners, but is genuinely committed to weather some very "rough waters" in the relationship as a result.
Even so, most husbands, especially in the United States, wouldn't allow their wives to become hotwives or even want an open relationship. Although they might entertain these thoughts in fantasies, possessiveness, jealousy, and cultural conditioning — and especially "what others might think" — ultimately prevail.
However, at the same time, we know that a few husbands are able handle this without significant problems. A few husbands even claim that this arrangement has helped their marriage, especially if sex within the marriage has diminished -- a common complain from women today-- leaving the the wife sexually frustrated.
One husband in a chatroom conversation said, "...My wife loves sex; she's great in bed; life is short; why not let them enjoy it?"
A few wives "could care less about sex." That is covered elsewhere. Even so, we've have heard from many wives who consciously or unconsciously experience acute mental and physical sexual frustration when they do without sex for a length of time — so much so that it negatively affects their moods, feelings of well being, and their marriage.
When some husbands have seen the positive change that safe and approved extramarital sex has brought in their wives, their initial opposition has gradually dissolved
Broaching the Subject
Some reluctant wives, if approached in the right way, will be willing to at least to talk about the hotwife option and this is where things can start.
We've gotten letters from husbands who said their wives were against it at first, but once it was brought up and they started thinking about it, they eventually changed their minds.
It may simply be a matter of them getting used to the idea and talking through the concerns.
What we are talking about in this chapter is a wife who has secretly fantasizes about other lovers -- most women have -- and wants to turn those fantasies into reality.
In this process she wants her husband's help in overcoming areas of resistance
Common Areas of Resistance
With women, resistance to becoming a hotwife generally starts with pride and fear issues.
They may look down on their liberated sisters who say they enjoy sex and seek out men who "know how to please a woman in bed."
Some women in the conservative women's movement loudly condemn hotwifery and urge women to "hold onto their pride."
One of these influential women feels that all sex is **** (even loving sex between a husband and wife) and that women who say they enjoy it have just been brainwashed by men into believing it. (According to one woman, "Hell, if I think I'm enjoying it, then I am enjoying it!)
At the same time of liberated women feel a woman's body should not be controlled by anyone else, and she had a right to have sex with someone if she wants.
In cases of strong religious feelings, moving in the hotwife direction may be unwise.
Although these feelings reverse, this can be a pernicious area and one that the woman needs to resolve herself
In addition, there are three main issues in the fear most women have about being a hotwife.
First is STD (sexually-transmitted disease). While this is a very real issue. The solution is not too much different from the other routine precautions we take in life -- things such as looking both ways before we cross a street, and wearing seat belts.
Until the disease-killing sexual lubricants come on the market, condoms should simply be a routine and expected part of sex. (It might be worth considering that in parts of Nevada where prostitution is legal and condoms are required, and despite thousands of partners, not a single case of AIDS has ever been reported among licensed prostitutes.)
The second aspect is "fear" of being with someone unfamiliar -- someone with different needs and expectations.
The advice of "just do it" -- and do it numerous times -- is the solution to getting past that.
And finally, there is the "my body is far from perfect" syndrome.
We live in a body-conscious society and few women look like Playboy playmates. (And few men are endowed like male porn stars.)
A history of good sexual experience will erase this fear. Again, it's a matter of getting past the initial fears and concerns.
We should also mention that some women just don't enjoy sex. Sex within the marriage is enough of a "burden" for them, so sex beyond that seems out of the question. This type of woman probably has either never learned how to enjoy sex, or has has grown up with negative feelings toward it -- a common situation in earlier generations.
There has been some success in using libido enhancing drugs with these women. Once barriers are broken down, they's been known to both start wanting and enjoying sex. However, these drugs are still in testing phases.
There is considerable evidence to support the fact that when married women start taking advantage of sexual freedom, and assuming guilt doesn't take over, they improve themselves in numerous ways.
This includes positive changes in attitude (the so-called "zest for life"), personal appearance, and numerous health benefits
Getting Discussions Started
Before the "becoming a hotwife" discussions begin, the husband must feel that the marriage is totally solid and that it can definitely withstand some real challenges (read: real challenges!).
It will help the husband's feelings of security if he feels that his wife knows that she has a good thing in the marriage and that other men could not offer her the emotional (and possibly financial) advantages she now enjoys.
Not unrelated, the wife (hotwife) must always assure the husband that she's very happy with him and the marriage. If the relationship is on shaky ground to start with, major problems will quickly develop. If the latter is the case, opening the marriage may well doom it!
The central question the husband needs to asked his wife is, 'Could you have sex with other men without it affecting our marriage or your feelings toward me?'
Possibly an even bigger question centers on whether he can handle the fact that his wife is having sex with other men. The vast majority of husbands can't
An open marriage or "swinging" is generally much easier for a husband to handle, since he's simultaneously involved in extramarital sex.
Even so, most women link sex with love, or the development of love. New partners must guard against feelings of attachment. The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with new sexual partners; she is not looking for a new love relationship.
In the beginning, the exploratory hotwife discussions may take a general, impersonal form. Many of the advantages for women are outlined in the previous chapter and in the exploratory discussions these can be discussed between the husband and wife. (We're assuming a marriage here, although there are an ever-increasing number of committed relationships that do not involve marriage.)
The wife may have suspicions about why he wants to move in this direction. Immediately coming to mind will be the possibility that he wants to have an affair, or even that he is trying to get her interested in other men so he can get out of the marriage.
These things, of course, should not be the case, and they should be addressed openly and honestly and assurances given. These fears may take much in the way of persistent, loving assurance to overcome.
He should clearly communicate "I love you," but our marriage doesn't mean that you must be denied sexual experiences with other men, the kind that you probably enjoyed before our marriage (or wished you could have enjoyed)
Most women have had men flirt with them or "hit" on them.
He should let her know that this does not threaten him. The husband may know of a particular man that interests her. He might tease her about it and make it clear that it's okay.
At the same time, the dangers of going in the hotwife direction should be openly addressed. There are many and they can have permanent consequences.
She could fall in love with someone else. What will be the effect be of people knowing about the extra-marital affair?
Although she may not immediately agree to move in this direction, once she is convinced that she has this freedom, she will feel less sexually restricted and may start thinking about things differently.
This difference is often evident to other men who will see her as being less inhibited around them. She may become flirtatious, drop suggestive remarks, or start dressing provocatively.
Women like male attention and this feeds on itself—unless, of course, she feels personally threatened by the attention and is burdened by latent anti-sex beliefs.
The husband might also suggest that she wear more revealing clothes -- especially when they go out together. When they go to a dance or night club, he might let certain men know that they can or should dance with her.
Generally, when a woman is in a man's presence for a length of time, she starts to consider possibilities -- especially if she knows that her husband wants her to. (Dancing, especially close dancing over a period of time, tends to break down barriers.) The husband may encourage men to do this, making it obvious that he won't object to anything that she freely wants to do.
I put her into a situation where I knew an affair with this man would be almost inevitable. After she went to bed with him a few times, she hooked up with another man. Soon, she had other opportunities, and then she lost her inhibitions over having sex with other men
Once she has an affair it's essential that it be brought out into the open as soon and discussed The wife must know that the husband feels that the affair was okay -- maybe even exciting to vicarious share.
This may take a some time with constant assurances, but, eventually, the wife may agree to bring extramarital sex out in the open and adhere to "the rules of being a hotwife."
Other Approaches
Beyond the approaches we've talked about, there are various more direct approaches to getting a wife started having sex with other men.
Adult Games
Participating in adult games is often a first step
This may start with several couples playing strip poker and then progress to some of the more explicit adult games involving physical contact.
It helps to have some of her friends encourage her to participate. Peer pressure possibly initially mixed with alcohol results in many women losing their inhibitions.
If these experiences are repeated several times, it will give the husband an opportunity to get used to seeing his wife nude before others -- especially other men. Some men find this a kind of ultimate test of their confidence in themselves and the relationship. These adult games are available at many specialty stores and on the Internet.
Introduce Specific Fantasies
Next, the husband can subtly introduce fantasies in the bedroom.
He may ask his wife what man she is attracted to, and even at some point get her to admit that she would consider going to bed with him.
The husband may take the man's part in the conversation, and while he sexually stimulates her, get her to flirt with the man in an explicit, make-believe conversation.
The same fantasy conversation should eventually lead to her making an obvious offer of sex. As she moves toward a climax, explicit, "dirty talk" can be encouraged, complete with using the man's name as she climaxes.
Many wives find the "forbidden" aspects of this a major turn-on. She may also discover that admitting in front of her husband that she has a fantasy of sleeping with another man is not only a turn-on, but over time it proves that her husband has no problem with it.
Soon she may reach a point of saying that, given a chance, she would not turn down the man's offer to have sex.
Whether or not this offer ever comes about it not important at this point. What is, is for both the husband and wife to experience her boldly offering herself to another man, and, if possible, climaxing while visualizing him.
Later, he will want to get her to a point of boldly admitting outside of the bedroom that she would like to go to bed with specific men.
If a wife can reach the point in front of her husband of saying that she would like to go to bed with another man, she will probably experience a feeling of freedom and excitement
For a husband a good initial test to see if things should continue is to hear his wife say that she would like to go to bed with other men and she would not turn down the opportunity. If the husband feels pangs of jealousy in hearing this, it either means that he has to work through them, or there is some question if things should continue in the hotwife direction.
However, if he can honestly say, "Yes, I want you to experience that," then the couple may be ready for the next step — following through.
Beyond this, we move into "the real world," and this is the topic of Part II.
Part II
How Do I Turn My Wife Into a Hotwife?
My husband and I had a lot of arguments over this hotwife thing, with me always saying 'no way.'
...We got divorced, and after a while I got lonely and started dating. I soon found out that a lot of things had changed. Guys who date a divorced woman almost always expect sex, or else they figure something is wrong and drop you.
After a while, I found that I had been having sex with a lot of different men and I had changed my mind about sex.
If I had been willing to do that before, I might still be married and, the way things have turned out, be a whole lot better off than I am now
.
The First Time With Another Man
The first time the wife has condoned sex with a man outside of marriage will be the most difficult all around. This letter sheds light on that.
If both partners agree on moving in the hotwife direction the cuckold husband should be prepared to encourage her first sexual meeting, even if the man is not his first choice for her.
If the woman has had limited sexual experience, or the couple has been monogamously married for a long time, the wife may find that sex with a new partner seems strange and awkward.
Thus, subsequent meetings should be encouraged until she gets used to having sex with other men—and, possibly more importantly, until she becomes convinced that her husband has no problem with it.
Although the wife may be understandably hesitant to discuss what she's doing, and this feeling definitely needs to be respected, this is also not a time to shut down communication or avoid the "touchy" issues.
Before long, everything must be brought out into the open and honestly discussed.
This will also give the husband a chance to adjust to having a wife that other men sleep with — which will undoubtedly represent a major issue for him.
Once she starts on the hotwife road, he should adopt an unwavering show of support.
If the husband responds by showing signs of being possessive or demanding, it may result in a major rift that will spell the end of the idea -- not to mention cause major problems in the relationship.
At the same time, the husband should feel he has control of things. After all, he is granting his wife this unusual freedom.
If he grows uncomfortable with her lover's actions or intent, or has evidence of emotional attachment on the part of either his wife or her lover, the affair should immediately end. Letting things continue will only create problems all around.
This should have been the clear agreement between the husband and wife from the very start.
With each subsequent man, sex with new partners should get easier for both her and her husband.
Assuming that she has had limited experience, she may need to have sex with several men before her anxieties disappear and she is able to concentrate on sexual pleasure.
Probably none of these men will be her "dream guy" -- in fact, it will be better it it's not. The point is only that she gets experience with different men.
The husband needs to be totally committed to stick with her and stick with the marriage, even when jealousy and doubt enter the picture.
Other men have adjusted to having hotwives (even wives that work as prostitutes) and, given time, he should be able to.
Even so, it may be difficult for a husband to see his wife come back from a date knowing that she's been in bed with another man. At the same time we've heard from men who are turned on by knowing that another man has just had their wife. According to one cuckold husband, "I get turned on seeing her come back home all hot and sweaty, smelling of sex and looking well used. ...It turns me on to have sex with her while she's still wet from another guy."
Navigating Some Dangerous Waters
Clearly, all this represents dangerous waters.
The wife, in particular, will have to be extremely careful how she handles things. She should be motivated to protect her sexual freedom by at no time letting another relationship take precedence over things in her marriage.
Although she may enjoy sex with other men, this should in no way diminish her love for her husband or the opportunities for sex within the marriage.
Most women in marriages say that although they enjoy and look forward to the excitement and variety of other sexual encounters, including the superior sexual prowess of some of men, these things can't replace making love with someone they deeply care about.
Unfortunately, because of various health and other issues, the person they deeply care about may not be able to fully meet their physical or emotional needs
In granting her sexual freedom, the husband is giving her a gift which is based on trust.
She needs to always ask permission from her husband before setting up sexual meetings with men, making sure he is okay with it.
When she goes out with a man for sex, he should insist on knowing who she's with and where they are at all times. She should immediately call him on her cell phone about any change of plans.
If he has concerns or problems with the change of plan, she should cancel them. That 's the price of her sexual freedom (although he should be able to later explain why).
Although the photo here suggests a romantic evening, it should be kept in mind that truly romantic evenings should be reserved for her husband.
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Another Approach
We know of a case where a husband arranged with some men for his wife to go with them on an out of town convention. He knew that after hours they would probably go to popular night spots that included drinks and dancing.
Before she left, he mentioned that one of the men probably would probably try to convince her to spend the night with him, and maybe she should see what it would be like.
Unlike some husbands who's greatest fear is in thinking that their wives will go to bed with another man, these husbands encourage their wives to regularly enjoy sex with other men
Confronting the Issue
of Emotional Involvement
Sex without emotional involvement is new for many, if not most women, and this issue needs to be brought to the front of discussions.
Once the hotwife door is opened — and, yes, we are repeating this — it should be agreed that if she suspects growing emotional involvement (significant attachment) on the part of her sexual partner or herself, she quickly will break off the liaison.
This may be difficult, but it violates the husband-wife agreement, and not to do so almost always results in major problems all the way around.
In short, avoid this kind of trouble!
Sex with one man outside the marriage constitutes an "affair" and often starts with or leads to emotional involvement. Regularly enjoying sex with different men just for the sake of enjoying the experience constitutes a hotwife
If affairs become commonplace — and they almost are now — we may be forced to reexamine our ancient religious rationales and move to what is actually a higher standard -- where relationships are based on love and emotional commitment, and not centered in sexual exclusivity.
The direction of change seems clear, but, as in the case of most major social changes, it will be a bumpy road.
a few years ago I collected a few articles about IR and BBC. Unfortunately, I can no longer find the original source (please post if you find it), so this information is not directly from me. But maybe they will still help someone today.
The Definitive Guide To Hotwifing
Hotwife (hot wife) defined — A wife who is sexually uninhibited who has the freedom within her marriage to enjoy sex with both her husband and other men.
The hotwife may enjoy the attention of men, the freedom to pursue sexual partners, the excitement associated with new sexual experiences, and as a married women the "forbidden" nature of what she's doing.
Women are finally freeing themselves from centuries of religion-based sexual suppression codified primarily by men who saw women as property and feared their latent sexual potential.
Some women immediately embrace the opportunity for sexual freedom. They miss the good times involved in earlier dating, and being a bit older and wiser about sex and relationships, want to again experience the attention of men -- especially men who know how to please a woman in bed.
Although not many men are willing to admit it, according to some sources, fantasizing about seeing a man having sex with their wife or having a hotwife ranks among the top male fantasies.
The hotwife's husband — sometimes referred to as the cuckold husband (see below) — gets vicarious sexual pleasure from his wife's sexual experiences.
True hotwives will have largely gotten beyond what others might think and may openly allude to their "hot" sexual experiences.
Although "promiscuous" was once a negative term, some women now let it be known that they are "woman enough" to regularly meet the sexual needs of more than one man -- especially when the sexual interest of that "one man" has significantly declined.
To impress some of her women friends she may brag about being regularly pleasured by a well-endowed "stud."
Some women like the feeling of crashing through propriety and propositioning men. Others, not wanting to be that bold or risk rejection, prefer that their husbands set up their sexual liaisons. The latter lowers the risk of the husband reacting negatively to her activities, plus, it is a sexual turn-on for some men to offer their wives to other men for sex.
Some women who try an open relationship decide it was a mistake. Others have the opposite reaction; they find that having other lovers meets significant personal and physical needs.
Although we've gotten letters saying that opening a relationship can work and, in fact, offers many advantages, we've also letters saying that this "experiment" has eventually doomed the marriage or relationship. (For example, see Afterwards, Things Are Never the Same and the links at the bottom of this page.)
I like to compete, and when I opened the door for my wife to go to bed with other men, suddenly I was back in the competition for her.
I guess I had been taking her for granted a bit too -- but once men knew "she would," I was competing for her, both in the bedroom and out.
I don't have to tell you how much she's loving that part!
For my part, I like to picture my pretty little wife getting it from different guys.
- From e-mail
Cuckold Husband Defined — The word used to refer to unfortunate men with wives that were having secret affairs with men. Often, the husband was the last to know.
However, today, the term more commonly refers to men who want and even encourage their wives to have sex with other men.
An evolutionary theory has even been advanced to help explain this. Elsewhere we list more than 40 motivations for affairs in general.
In today's climate of increased sexual expectations and declining male libidos, many husbands can no longer meet their wife's sexual needs. Under agreed upon conditions, more and more men are giving their wives permission to have purely sexual liaisons.
According to one husband -
I definitely don't want to lose my wife, but I fantasize about her getting it from other men.
"...I guess I want it both ways. A wife that is totally devoted to me, but a wife that is sexually uninhibited enough to let select men take her to bed."
"...There's a bit of adventure and risk involved in having an attractive wife who is "easy."
"Maybe it's a contradiction, maybe it's too much to hope for, or maybe it's against human nature, but I want our marriage to survive by totally trusting in "love" and not requiring sexual exclusivity.
"...I guess this is would be the ultimate test of love."
It can also be the acid test for personal weaknesses and failings, as detailed here and here.
The cuckold husband may also be turned on by having a wife that (at least in his fantasies) seems as hot and uninhibited as the women he sees in porno films.
Although the section on hotwives cuckold husbands from the main index has many more examples, "Sex Through the Ceiling," based on an e-mail account, typifies the cuckold husband's attitude.
Related to these issues are some surprising research findings.
Even so —
The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as being exclusively theirs.
Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by the prospect of hotwives, open marriages and black-on-white sex.
However, for the vast majority, that time is not now. Why Most Open Marriages Fail explains some of the reasons. This is an important personal and revealing open marriage experience that should also be considered.
At the same time, with affairs taking place in about 50% of urban marriages today, an argument can be made for "sanctioned affairs" that do not involve deceit and "cheating."
How to Be Successful Hotwife
From the e-mail Dr. Lee and I get and from our personal interviews, we know that a lot of people are trying open marriages and hotwifery, (although far more are just fantasize about it), and a few are pulling it off -- successfully
Pardon the "how-to" reference in the title. As lame as it is, it seems to get the basic idea across.
Can It Really Be Done?
Yes, but it's not easy -- nor is it recommended, at least for most people at this point in our social history. There is mounting evidence that not only is this is changing, but that change will soon accelerate.
From the e-mail Dr. Lee and I get and from our personal interviews we know that a lot of people are trying open marriages and hotwifery, (and even more are fantasize about it), and a few are pulling it off -- successfully.
I've met and talked to some in the latter group and what follows summarizes how they did it. As an example see the revealing Interview with a hotwife elsewhere on this site.
Before we get too far into this this hotwife thing, if the idea seems repugnant, then don't read any further -- no matter what your husband or significant other says. Let me put this another way: if this is the way you really feel, then you are both advised to forget about it and move onto other things in life.
At the same time, you should know that this lifestyle is engaged in by thousands -- actually, according to data, hundreds-of-thousands -- of couples, very few of which are deranged hippies left over from the 60's.
I've been surprised to find that many women who come across as conservative, church-going, red state women have open marriages or secret lives going as hotwives.
In fact, there is data and good psychological theory to support the fact that the more conservative types are the most apt to try to "break free" sexually. Have you been following the news lately? But they also suffer from more guilt as a result.
In this article I'll be concentrating on the woman's angle. That's only fair since most of the cuckold husband - hotwife section represents feedback from men.
Few women initially pursue being a hotwife, but many women get there for any number of reasons. Let's look at two reasons that rise to the top.
First, after an affair by one of them, some couples decide they don't want to break up their marriage or live-in relationship, so moving in this direction is a solution. Although it may not sound like an acceptable solution, couples in these situations are often often forced to come to certain conclusions.
They know that despite promises and good intentions, affairs tend to repeat themselves. One partner may not want to live with constant suspicion about the other -- that's a sure way to cripple if not doom a relationship -- and they decide that an open marriage or hotwifery with things being out in the open is better than the lies, deceit and paranoia that normally go along with affairs.
At the same time, open relationships have high failure rates. But then again, with the divorce rate around 50%, one wonders if this can make things too much worse. Some couples claim that opening a marriage actually saved it. We have limited proof of that on this site.
Second, after a few years of marriage, some women look back on their single years with a certain fondness -- especially the times when they could sleep with an interesting man without deceit, lies, or guilt. At the same time, sex within the marriage may have -- how should we put this -- cooled a bit. Some women would say it has gotten routine and unexciting, not to mention pretty sparse.
Of course, men have their own reasons for wanting their wives to be hotwives and that's covered elsewhere on this site. But this article is about women.
The Hotwife Personality
There isn't a "hotwife personality" -- or at least one that's consistent among women. (There may be some consistency among women in not liking the title, hotwife. Even so, the term is now generally understood, at least in its comparatively respectable form, which clearly eliminates most of those hotwife porno sites.)
Some hotwives (sorry) are quietly promiscuous, others boldly come onto men like desperate hookers. As you might expect, the latter type is not popular with sophisticated men.
How She Comes Across to Men
Sorry for the double entendre, but you get the idea.
Men, and husbands in particular, don't want "their" women who come across as whores -- at least not in the boardroom.
Interestingly, cuckold husbands don't seem to mind if some men to know that their wives are easy to get in the sack and wild and inhibited in the bedroom.
This is not totally out of line with the preferences of most hotwives -- even though they might fear what it can do to their professional lives. (See Can Sexually Liberated Women Advance in Corporate America?)
At the same time, it's important to the woman, and possibly to her career, that she has respect -- the same kind of respect that many men maintain while "dating" different women. (Yes, Virginia, there is a double standard out there.) So, she can't appear to be embarrassed, ashamed or even struggle to deny with what she's doing.
In a sense, she must come across to men who might want to criticize her as if she's calmly saying, I'm a normal, healthy, woman that likes sex just as much as you do and I'm not ashamed of it.
An Opportunity to Be a
Bit of an Exhibitionist
In the right environment some husbands like their (hot)wives to subtly flaunt their sexuality in front of other men. The "right environment" generally starts out being in the presence of men with attractive wives, especially trophy wives.
This might involve low-cut dresses, short skirts, mini-shorts, or going without underwear (as in without a bra). See I Discovered I'm an Exhibitionist.
As the term hotwife suggests, he probably wants her to be seen as "hot." Within certain bounds, that reflects positively on him.
Even though she's selectively promiscuous, she should never take off her wedding ring or try to in any way deny her marriage. She's doing this while being very much married. In fact, this adds a bit of excitement to the whole adventure. (One woman said she really got off on openly registering for a motel room with a man that wasn't her husband.)
Many men prefer married women because they represent no-strings-attached sex. These women aren't trying to find a husband, or to "accidentally" get pregnant.
The hotwife is being granted major freedom by the husband. To keep her sexual freedom, as well as to maintain the relationship (under what might be some difficult and trying times), she has certain responsibilities.
This involves catering to and being very sensitive to her husband's wishes and feelings. To put it bluntly, that's just a price she will will have to pay for her sexual freedom while maintaining the financial and emotional security of her marriage.
In the next section of this topic we get into what the husband will get out of this and what the wife should do to maintain her sexual freedom.
What's In It For the Husband?
This type of thinking may be light years away from the way she looks at things; but to protect her sexual freedom she will want to cater to her husband's fantasies.
The above is something that the hotwife must always keep in mind. We've already said that some husbands like other men to view their wives as "hot" and desirable.
This introduces the motivations of the cuckold husband. They range form the pure need for pride in having a desirable wife to the need for sexual humiliation. The woman should realize that her husband's motivation probably consists of some mix of both of the former, along with the possibly a dash of homosexuality. Don't freak out here; all men have at least a hidden streak of that. (Would they really look at porno if all the men's penises were blacked out?)
We mentioned before that many husbands like their (hot)wives to subtly flaunt their sexuality. This amounts to a delicate balance, because it can can (and often has) opened the door to destructive jealousy. Thus, the wife must let her husband lead in this and be willing to "negotiate."
For example, if he wants her to be braless in public, fine, but she might insist that it first be some place like Venice Beach in California (where you are apt to see anything anyway). After they both get used to that it might transfer to a nightclub, or a local bar.
If he gets upset at the attention she's getting, she might say, "I guess a lot of guys would like to have what you have."
It should come as no surprise that many women get off on in flaunting their sexuality -- especially after they are able to break through the restraints of "propriety." (What normal woman doesn't like to show off her most attractive attributes, especially while she still has them!)
Men Dwell on the Physical
Ever notice how porn for women (directed by women) tends to dwell on the lead-up and romance in a sexual encounter and porn for men dwells on the body parts and "getting to and dwelling on the main event?"
Even the language describing things tends to be different. The hotwife needs to know what her husband wants to hear about her sexual encounters -- or even if he wants to hear anything about them.
Although what follows is typical of some husbands, it needs to be emphasized that the motivations of husbands tend to vary greatly. The the wife will need to find out what specific things turn on her husband. This is especially true at the beginning when he is most apt to encounter something that will unexpectedly turn him against the idea.
The hotwife needs to remember that her husband's thinking is controlled to a great extent by his testosterone level. This controls his fantasies and as a strange as it may sound, when he's horny, he's most apt to want her to have sex with other men.
Because of this, some wives get their husbands turned on before they introduce these matters. This generally takes place during sex foreplay and it will probably mean keeping him turned on, while holding off his climax. After his climax he will probably no longer be turned on by the thought of her having sex with other men. Some men don't like to climax, because they like the feeling of always being horny.
Once men agree to something they have an ego investment in their decision and generally find it difficult to reverse themselves. However, this does not mean that if she doesn't handle things just right, he won't regret his decision, with all of the "fallout" that can accompany that.
Her sexual freedom within the marriage does not come without a "price" that she should be willing to pay.
To keep things going he must be convinced that he is the most important man in her life -- the only one she truly loves. (And we would hope this is true!) He must remain central to her life, and she will probably want him to feel that he's in charge of things (even though she might actually be pulling the strings).
We are using "waffle words" like probably throughout this because, as we've said, with hotwifery, men range all the way pimp personalities to those who want to be humiliated by their wife's sexual liaisons.
Each wife will need to find out "what does it" for her husband. Once she understands this -- and men aren't all that complicated for women who really take the effort -- and assuming she is always alert for "mid-course corrections," she will secretly hold the keys to a significant amount of power.
The fact that she has this power should not only offset any accommodations she has to make to keep things in line with her husband's thinking, but if she's smart, give her something that no other woman can offer. And since we are talking about the loss of sexual exclusivity in the marriage -- part of the "glue" that holds many marriages together -- this can be important.
Let's look at some common male fantasies and their attributes.
Many husbands like to picture their wives having sex with other men; thus, her explicit descriptions of her sexual encounters may (another "waffle word") be important to the vicarious sexual excitement the husband gets from her sexual activities -- sexual activities she might "spin" to suit his fantasies.
Fantasizing about another man with his wife, or actually watching it, is the primary motivation for many cuckold husbands. Like it or not, for many men this is even better than sex, itself.
In terms of the terminology she uses to describe things, she may want to talk about her husband making love to her, but "getting it" from other men. According to one account from a husband, "I like the fact that she lets other men fuck her." (Read into that what you will.)
Women should come to terms with the fact that for men there is aggressiveness built into the sex act. The husband may want to think of his wife as "giving it up" to another man. This detailed black-on-white case history goes into the dynamics of this from both the husband's and wife's perspective.
Not unrelated, the husband may want her to tell her lover that he can have her whenever he wants -- shades of her becoming his sex slave. At the same time, we can't entirely rule out the fact that they may be her fantasies too.
When she has sex with another man, she can't seem to enjoy it too much -- or at least not as much as with her husband. (Granted, we are probably leaving the realm of reality here!)
Some husbands like to hear about how well-endowed her lovers are; others are threatened by this. Some men like to hear that their wives freely offer themselves to men; others want to feel that she held out for a long time.
Since we are on dangerous ground with all of this, and missteps can create major problems, the wife needs to find what her husband wants to hear
Although there are cuckold husband exceptions, most husbands want to feel they are ultimate in control of their wife's encounters. As we see in the case history we cited earlier, the woman must be willing to break off a relationship that the husband feels threatens the marriage, his ego, or just because he doesn't like the man involved.
The wife also has one overriding obligation. Her husband is undoubtedly putting faith in their agreement that these sexual liaisons will not threatened the marriage. If things start to go beyond a basic sexual relationship with either the wife or her sexual partner, things should be broken off -- cold turkey! This is where almost all problems in this lifestyle start. Please read and carefully consider Encountering the Fork in the Road.
Despite all our warnings about this lifestyle, we must admit there is research to show that the people who adjust to open relationships are happier and better adjusted than people in traditional monogamous marriages. We also know that some of the most influential people in US history had open marriages.
But keep in mind these aren't your average people.
Interview With a Hotwife
Brief Background
"Marla Sue" was referred to me while I was doing work for a corporation. She had threatened a harassment suit against her division boss. Trying to avoid the consequences of this coming to light, the company suggested I meet with her.
I made it clear to management as I normally do in these cases that I would talk to her and try to figure out her thinking, but it was not my role to pressure her to drop her legal action.
Marla Sue is in her early 30's, of Swedish descent, with natural blond hair and a large bosom that the clothes she selects emphasizes. Marla Sue has a bit of a no-nonsense personality and her speech tends to be direct. She's in an open marriage, which many people know, though it is only open to her.
For months her boss had been pressuring her to go out with him. He was also prone to suggestive language whenever he was around her, which seemed to be far more often than his supervisory responsibilities required. Her co-workers had heard some of the comments and told her she should take some action against him.
The Interview Sessions
RW (Dr. Ronny West to Marla Sue): You were referred to me over the issue of possible legal action....
Marla Sue: (Interrupting) Yes, I've already decided against that; it was just a threat to get my boss off my case.
RW: Oh. So does that mean we really don't have anything to talk about?
Marla Sue: No; I mean yes. We can't make this look too easy. This gets me out of work and they are picking up your tab, so we can talk all you want.
RW: What made you change your mind about the harassment suit?
Marla Sue: Steve, my husband, said that if I did they could get come back at me on some moral turpitude clause in my contract because we have an open marriage.
RW: I see. I'm sure if they knew that it would be somehow brought up in any legal action.
Marla Sue: Yea, that what Steve said, but Steve said, that maybe just the threat of legal action would be enough.
[some chit-chat deleted]
RW: So the open marriage may be causing you some problems?
Marla Sue: Not really, it's great, except for times like this when some guy figures he has a right.
RW: Whose idea was this open marriage, yours or your husband's?
Marla Sue: We sort of agreed on it. Actually, we talked about it it even before we were married, and then a few years went past and I kind of started missing the kind of life I had before.
RW: What kind of life?
Marla Sue: You know, dating, going out with interesting guys and having sex if I want. Marriage is supposed to kill all that, but the question is why? My husband agrees that marriage shouldn't mean you suddenly have live in a cage, or something.
RW: Sex is important to you.
Marla Sue: Sure, isn't it important to you?
RW: Let's keep this about you. Open marriages can introduce a lot of problems into a relationship.
Marla Sue: Maybe, but I think it made ours better.
RW: How so?
Marla Sue: Well, hell, I like it because of like how guys take me out and all, and my husband likes to hear about what I do in bed with guys.
RW: [That one had me stumped for a while, and Marla Sue seemed to be enjoying my consternation, but after a long pause, I continued.] Okay, assuming the harassment litigation isn't going to happen, lets talk about your lifestyle; maybe you can help me with some of my research.
Marla Sue: Do I get to bill you?
RW: Sorry, you'll just have to consider it a public service for your female sisters. So you recommend an open marriage?
Marla Sue: Not for most people. Most people are really hung up about stuff like that. You of all people have got to know about that. But Steve and I can handle it and we both get something out of it -- not to mention the guys.
RW: I take it Steve's not jealous.
Marla Sue: We've had our spats over it, especially in the beginning before we agreed on some rules, like always knowing where I was and with who, and that I won't have sex with a guy unless he knows about it first.
RW: So he has to approve of the man?
Marla Sue: Sort of. Like with my boss, he doesn't like him and he said, "No way."
RW: So that was the end of it.
Marla Sue: Sure, other women would kill for the freedom I have and I'm not about to screw it up.
RW: Your husband is a good provider and he treats you okay?
Marla Sue: Sure, otherwise I wouldn't have married him or wouldn't stay with him. I had a lot of other options.
RW: But, he doesn't fill all of your sexual needs.
Marla Sue: You keep twisting things. He's a good provider, he's a great person, and I love him, but I also like a certain amount of freedom. Is that so hard to understand?
RW: You like sex and sexual variety, I think I got that part, but what's your husband getting out of this?
Marla Sue: [pauses to think about it] Yes, that one's difficult. Most guys would have served me with divorce papers for even bringing it up. [She continues to think about it.]
RW: If you have an open marriage, then I suppose he has sex with other women.
Marla Sue: He's not interested in that. Maybe it's because I'm all he can handle.
RW: If they are really interested, most men can find the energy for someone new.
[We talked about the Coolidge effect, which she hadn't heard of. Even so, she said Steve wouldn't be interested. This was followed by some general chit-chat about men.]
Marla Sue: Okay, at the beginning I had to figure out what he wanted so I could get what I wanted. I guess it was about then then I discovered that he liked to hear about how guys were drooling over me. He said it made me more of a prize.
RW: But most men would want to keep that "prize" to themselves.
Marla Sue: Yes, I know -- God, do I know! -- but Steve was different. I kind of sensed that right off. He had faith in our relationship, like he knew it was going to catch hold. But even if it didn't, I knew he would go on without being destroyed the way some guys are. I don't need to tell you, I've had some real experiences along that line!
RW: You don't seem to be too clear on what Steve's getting out of this.
Marla Sue: Well, it's like my sexual experiences transfer to him and he doesn't need his own. Frankly, I don't think he's near as interested in sex -- actually doing it -- as I am. He gets turned on by my sexual experiences and I don't hold anything back in talking about them -- you know, the details.
RW: So this is not a regular open marriage where the husband has other sexual partners. If it only involves you, it sort of makes you what's commonly called a hotwife.
Marla Sue: Yea, I guess.
RW: Does your husband have sexual performance problems?
Marla Sue: No, of course not. Well, maybe sometimes; but all men do sometimes.
RW: And you've learned to solve that by talking about your sexual experiences with other men, which seems to put someone else in your marriage bed.
Marla Sue: There you go twisting things again. Okay, I see what you mean; so maybe.
RW: So you get your sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage.
Marla Sue: Yes, I guess you could say that, but it's also something I want; maybe even need. Even when Steve and I were dating I was sleeping with other men.
RW: Did Steve know this?
Marla Sue: Yes, and he had no problem with it. I guess that's when I decided he was different and that I had to marry him before someone else got him. Like I said, other women would kill to have my freedom.
RW: So it's all about the freedom?
Marla Sue: No, damn it, I love him; how many times do I have to say it?
RW: If tomorrow Steve said this open marriage thing is a mistake and it has to stop, would you stick with him -- still love him?
Marla Sue: Yes. Damn right! He's more important than these other guys -- even though I would miss the sex and all. Maybe I would just have to get a hobby or something.
Session Two
[Following a few minutes of chit-chat, we picked up where we left off in the first session.]
RW: Considering the fact that you are openly having sex with other men, your relationship with your husband seems almost too perfect. Are you sure there are things you're not telling me?
Marla Sue: What do you think I'm not telling you?
RW: Okay, what does your husband think about the people you work with knowing that you have sex with different men?
Marla Sue: Not an issue. I tell people we have an open marriage and he has sex with other women -- gorgeous women.
RW: But that's not true.
Marla Sue: I already told you that. I do it just to sort of even things out, so people won't think I'm taking advantage of him, that he isn't a real man.
RW: Does he ever meet the men you have sex with?
Marla Sue: Sometimes a parties, but I don't just introduce a guy as someone I slept with. If he asks, I tell him, otherwise... [long pause] Sometimes he picks out guys for me or maybe offers me to a friend. Like we'll go on a trip or something and he'll let a man know that if they ask I'll probably sleep with him.
RW: And you don't mind that?
Marla Sue: I refuse if I don't like the guy, but most of the time I like to please Steve by doing it. And when he sort of initiates the whole thing, it saves me from going through all the preliminaries with a guy. It's already set up.
RW: Do you feel used when he does that?
Marla Sue:
And anyway, I kind of like the way he [Steve] wants me to go to bed with guys. It's sort of like he gives them the gift of me. And, anyway, I don't want to disappoint him [Steve].
RW: Are you scared of losing him?
Marla Sue: I don't worry about that. I do stuff he wants that probably no other women would, and he lets me do what probably no other man would let me do. It's like we are like a perfect match.
RW: Do you ever find yourself getting emotionally involved with any of your lovers?
Marla Sue: Well, I like them, but I don't love them, if that's what you mean. I have someone I love, so I don't need anyone else. Anything else?
RW: No, I guess that covers it. I hope that you boss leaves you alone now.
Marla Sue: From what I hear this whole thing has scared the shit out of him. Lately, he's been avoiding me like the plague.
The Hotwife Phenomenon
As background to understanding the hotwife phenomenon we need to start with the chart below. This data, which was compiled from a number of sources, approximates the number of affairs from 1935 to 2000.
Data varies greatly on affairs. This chart is an approximation based in part on urban, working men and women
We know that war years when the husband is away result in spikes in the figures for both men and women. With men stationed in foreign counties (prior to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars) this has been reliably measured at 85%.
Note that the number of affairs among married women has been steadily increasing and according to some research the percentage now exceeds the number for married men.
Here is additional information on the percentage of affairs.
The increasing figures for women are primarily due to the jump in number of women in the work force — especially in office environments where men and women work closely together for long hours. We, of course, have also seen social attitudes change. In many parts of our society a woman who "sleeps around a bit" is no longer branded promiscuous.
Rather than risk his wife having a secret, marriage-threatening affair with a man he doesn't know or trust, some husbands have hooked their wives up with a safe man. An example is covered in this e-mail.
What Has Spurred the Hotwife Phenomenon
Although it might surprise most women, having a hotwife ranks among the top male fantasies. This fantasy can start after a few years of marriage and thereafter intensify.
The motivations for women to decide to become hotwives cover a wide spectrum. Here, we'll cover a few of the most common. Others can be found in the associated chapters, and in particular here. A possible evolutionary motivation is covered in Dr. Lee's comments at the end of this e-mail.
While the husband's and the wife's motivations in the cuckold husband-hotwife relationship might be quite different, they share a common goal
The Wife's Motivation
Accounts of the hotwife lifestyle seldom go into any depth on the wife's motivation.
Research has shown that women have a biological propensity for having sex with multiple partners, just as men do.
In fact, when you strip away the cultural and religious suppression of the female sex drive, it appears that the sex drive in women is just as strong in women as it is in men. The extent of this repression is discussed in Sexual Empowerment for Women.
Some women used to brag about how they could avoid marital sex, but, such women are now suspected as being man-haters, latent lesbians, or simply having personal problems.
Professional stress typically lowers the male libido (their interest in sex). On the other hand, sexually liberated women typically find that sex reduces their stress.
Rather than have their wives do without something they enjoy (and possibly even need), some (very secure) husbands decide to encourage their wives to have for-sex-only liaisons with select men.
Many women find a certain excitement in being viewed as sexually liberated. For some, especially some older women, there may be a certain ego gratification in still being viewed as sexually desirable — even discretely promiscuous.
While holding to the security of her primary relationship, the hotwife may revel in experiencing sexual freedom.
In historical studies it has been found that adventurous, free-loving women have been both more appealing to men and more socially powerful than women that were "only" beautiful and virtuous.
For her highly praised 2003 book, Seductress: Women Who Have Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love, Betsy Prioleau, researched the most influential women throughout the ages.
These women were seldom bound by marital fidelity, making them not unlike some of the most notable and influential men throughout the ages.
According to Prioleau, women need to awaken their suppressed sexuality, learn to experience multiple organisms, and reap the glow and excitement that comes from sexual experiences. Related books can be found on this site's bibliography.
Many women realize that other women regularly enjoy "good sex," and although many wives have grown ambivalent about sex within their marriages and are reluctant to try new things, these barriers generally fall with the expectations of new sexual partners.
With new men there appears to be unspoken desire to not disappoint and to be good in bed. Therefore, as a hotwife she may know that she will be introduced to new experiences and pleasures -- not to mention the "wining and dining" that generally comes with it.
Many husbands also realize that when their wife becomes a hotwife, previous barriers may fall and she will be willing to do things that will spice up their own sex life.
According to one husband:
She was never interested in oral sex, but when she started going out with men, she soon found out that it was expected, so she got used to it, and very soon she was regularly giving me oral sex.
Even though she may have started to have doubts about her sexual desirability, as a hotwife she will probably find that men are again interested in her.
For some women this can constitute a "sexual reawakening."
According to one woman,
I've found a sense of freedom in enjoying the company of men and not being paranoid about a jealous husband or even being worried about what people will think.
If I want to go out with an interesting guy and if he wants to take me to bed, I have the freedom to just let it happen. Some of the best sex I've ever had started this way.
At the same time, the hotwife does not want jealousy or resentment to ruin her marriage or threaten the freedom she enjoys, a freedom she knows that very few husbands would be willing to grant.
Therefore, she knows she needs to be careful in being totally open and honest to her husband about her lovers. This means that there are no secret conversations or secret meetings with men. It means that she will have to constantly monitor her husband's feelings about what she is doing. It may also mean that in some cases the husband may want to approve of the men she goes out with.
In some circles a woman may wear a conspicuous ankle bracelet on her right ankle to tell men "in the know" that she's a hotwife.
According to one wife, "I always wear it because whenever I see it I'm reminded that I have sexual freedom." (At the same time, of course, most women who wear ankle bracelets do so without attributing any special significance.)
Once seen as a hotwife, she may flirt with select men, making it clear that, although married, she has sexual freedom. According to one hotwife, "I'm no knockout--never have been--but since a lot of guys like 'a sure thing,' I end up enjoying some good sex."
Many couples feel that their particular jobs and lifestyles are being pretty dull and routine, and to compensate they may search for a strong diversion.
For most people sexual diversions end up being the most absorbing and, therefore, having the most power
One woman said, "At first I was very nervous about people finding out that I 'slept around.' But after a while, I found that I was coming right out and telling people. Until that time I was kind of invisible to men, but now men are coming on to me.
"...I like the male attention I'm getting, and I'm just doing what I secretly wanted to do all along, but felt I shouldn't...."
Women As Sex Objects?
Many women fear that being a hotwife turns then into sex objects. This seems to be primarily based on the premise that enjoying sex is a masculine prerogative. However, more and more women are discovering that they can enjoy sex just as much as men do
Most women have lived their lives trying to act "like proper women" and shunning men "who have one thing on their minds." Now, according to one woman, "I've finally gotten around to being honest -- letting guys know I like sex."
The Husband's Motivation
For the husband, wanting to have a hotwife often represents a classical psychological approach-avoidance conflict.
While he may be quite stimulated by the idea and would like to let his wife enjoy sexual freedom, at the same time, these desires conflict with very strong feelings of jealousy, and possessiveness and fears about what people may think. Most of all, he is generally concerned about losing his wife's affection.
Husbands have many motivations for encouraging their wives to be hotwives. We will touch on many of these and provide links to explanations and examples.
First, there is the possibility that the husband may suspect that his wife is becoming interested in experiencing sex with someone else. (Note statistics in affairs cited at the beginning of this chapter.) He may value the relationship and not want her to jeopardize things because of the deceit and secrecy that normally accompany affairs.
In short, he wants to know about and approve any extramarital sex, and even have some control over it. The hotwife husband wants his wife's sexual encounters with men to be for sex only, with no marriage-threatening emotional involvement. In fact, if emotional involvement is suspected, that outside relationship must be terminated.
In some cases the husband may either not be able to keep up with his wife's sexual needs, or because of age or medications, may no longer be able to sexually "perform" to her satisfaction.
Keeping up with my young wife's sexual needs was getting more and more difficult -- even a bit of a chore.
After I hinted to certain men that my wife was 'easy,' they started pursuing her.
...At the same time I encouraged her to go out with them and let them take her to bed.
" ...Before long she got used to regularly getting it from different men. ...So now she's happy, they are happy, and I'm sort of off the hook.
The fact that his wife will readily let men take her to bed while still being firmly committed to the relationship may make her more exciting and desirable to the husband. We'll have more on the cuckold husband's motivations.
Most cuckold husbands want their wives to appear ladylike on the surface (in public.). But, among select men, they may want their wives to be known as easy to get into bed.
Although this type of wife was once considered a threat to husbands — and it still is to the vast majority — these husbands believe that a healthy and well-adjusted woman should enjoy sex and has the right to be just as open about it as men. Regular sex has both physical and psychological benefits for a womran.
The husband involved may pride himself in being secure enough to handle a hotwife. He may even brag to another man about how his wife loves sex (which, not coincidentally, may be very much in contrast to the attitude of that man's wife).
When we first started considering this option, we had a lot of fears: we feared what people would think about us, we feared how it would affect our relationship, we feared STD, we feared unexpected emotional involvement.
But, once we agreed on the rules and plunged in, and after a few very rocky episodes, we were eventually able to handle things. Now we see a lot of benefits
The hotwife may realize that her sexual freedom depends on her husband's continued sexual excitement over what she is doing.
Although she may know that a good bit of this is based on his fantasies, if she is smart, she will cater to these, keeping in mind that what she is doing this as much for his benefit as for hers.
The dynamics of a hotwife-cuckold husband relationship can represent a delicate balancing act for a hotwife. This is covered in more detail here.
The Hotwife - Cuckold Husband Marriage
Although many question the nature of the hotwife-cuckold husband marriage, the two commonly share a deep love for each other. Ironically. the hotwife lifestyle (if it's handled right) can even bring the two of them closer together.
Among other things it often spark sexual excitement in the male—having a bit of competition will do that—and make him more attentive.
He may move into bit of a courting mode. And, the couple may find that the true basis for their marriage is (or at least should be) based on love, and not sexual exclusivity or a legal obligation.
The cuckold husband is typically not interested in having sex with other women. (This would constitute "swinging," which is very different.) He seems to be satisfied with just vicariously experiencing his wife's sexual experiences.
Rather than being jealous, having a wife that is seen by other men as sexually "hot" may provide him with an ego boost. (Dare we suggest that for some men hot wives are replacing hot cars as a source of pride?) At the same time she must appear (before him and others) to be totally devoted to him. According to one hotwife, "I like men, but I love my husband."
For Those Considering This Lifestyle
Those considering this lifestyle should keep in mind that what may seem desirable for the husband or wife while under the influence of testosterone, libido, or fantasy, may later seem like a huge mistake.
The result can easily be -- and often is -- regret and marital estrangement.
Clearly, the hotwife idea is at odds with cultural conditioning and human tendencies toward jealousy and possessiveness. Although these traits may not be desirable, they are the norm and must be recognized. Even so, many people we've heard from have learned to master it as shown in many of our letters, including "The Long Night Home."
The vast majority of men and women have a need to see a partner as being exclusively theirs.
You must remember that it was not all that many years ago that the wife was considered the property of the husband and even the **** of a wife was more of an affront to him and his ****** than it was to the woman who was *****.
Some religions and autocratic groups still use the control of sex as a way of controlling people. Except for religious and political cults of one type of another, we have largely abandoned such views.
Maybe society will evolve to the point where individuals are secure enough in themselves not to be threatened by the prospect of open relationships.
However, for the vast majority, that time is not now.
Even assuming that both partners are okay with going in this direction, most of society isn't.
With most people there is still a sigma associated with a promiscuous wife and a husband that allows his wife to have extramarital sex. Most people who find out about this will respond negatively toward both partners.
This can be a problem in a work environment where "character" is a part of job performance and promotion considerations. (A common male chauvinistic attitude with roots in the "wife as the husband's property" notion says that a husband should keep his wife "under control," and if she has affairs she definitely isn't "under control.")
Although the following may be a bit defensive and reactionary, here are the words of one cuckold husband:
Sure, there are Neanderthals that think of her as a bit of a slut, but that's their problem.
At least she is not like the prissy, tight-assed, 'not-tonight' women that many husbands suffer with
While many couples try to keep their sexual activities private, they may live with the fear that they may be found out. At the same time, self-employed people who live in large urban areas, or people who work around like-minded individuals probably won't have this concern.
All this being said, given the ever-increasing number of affairs and the emerging attitudes about condoned affairs in some countries, one wonders if somewhere down the road the society won't be ready to accept open relationships and hotwives. We seem to be in the early stages of that now.
Although the transition will certainly be bumpy, if we are able to shift our emphasis to love and commitment to hold relationships together rather than the refutable doctrines about sexual exclusivity which simply cater to jealousies and insecurities, it would not only eliminate much heartache, but it would remove many of the "justifications" for dissolving relationships.
Finding A Hotwife
Men are always hitting on my wife and she enjoys it, so I finally just said, "As long as you follow our rules you don't need to say no
We've gotten letters from quite a few men who want to be married to a hotwife. We've also gotten letters from women who want to move in this direction -- with their husband's permission.
For a husband to spring these intentions on a wife after five or ten years of marriage may yield, as they say in computer lingo, "unpredictable results."
But, above all, once a husband starts in this direction he must be very sure he can live with the results.
And then there is this: If, after explaining this fully, a wife is dead set against moving in this direction, simply drop it and move onto other things in life.
But, what if you are not married and are looking for a hotwife?
Keep in mind that what follows is exactly the opposite of what most men are looking for in a partner. Here, the man is looking for a woman who is sexually liberated, but otherwise faithful to the relationship
Look At the Woman's History
Some men who are looking for a hotwife start thinking about the "girls" in high school or college that had a reputation for regularly having sex — and, we would hope, enjoying it. (In high schools today a large percentage of the girls are having sex, and an even higher percentage in college -- so that's not too difficult.)
Even so, women vary greatly in their ability to genuinely enjoy sex. It's best not to find this out after the marriage ceremony.
Some might assume that the girls with "sexual experience" have to resort to sex to compensate for not being that attractive. If this was ever the case, it no longer is. Some of the most attractive girls in high school and college are the most sexually active. This probably has something to do with the fact that men more vigorously pursue them.
The same applies to hotwives. Many are very attractive. The fact that these wives attract men who want to get them into bed often sparks the hotwife idea with their husbands.
Men are always hitting on my wife and she enjoys it, so I finally just said, "As long as you follow our rules you don't need to say no."
In his initial conversations with a woman being considered as a hotwife the man does not want to do is "tip his hand." This may induce her to simply be agreeable, which is something that people initially tend to do in dating situations.
Although she probably might not want to admit that if she were married she would want to continue to date men, he might be able to find out she was at least open to this possibility.
Once this is established, he can talk about the hotwife lifestyle in general. Getting her reaction from these chapters might be a good beginning. Her response might range all the way from "That sounds kind of interesting," to "That's definitely not right!" If he sees that the latter seems pretty well set in her mind, he should immediately move on before any long-term expectations arise.
Search Related Internet Sites
Another approach is the Internet. Here, however, he may find that many women "take on personalities" to interest (lure?) men.
Based on our e-mail, more than one man has decided to let a woman (who often lives in a distant city) move in with him, based on correspondence and possibly one in-person meeting.
It is only then that he discovers that she is quite different than he assumed — or maybe he wanted to assume. Of course once she relocates and moves in, things can get rather messy — legally and otherwise.
We mention this, not to condemn romances and relationships that start out on the Internet, but as a warning to both men and women. Through wishful thinking and selective perception, it's easy to make assumptions that later turn out to be false. Something as major as this requires considerable investigation.
Look For Adulterous Ex-Wives
The next possibility is talking to friends and possibly business associates about marriages that have broken up over the wife's adultery. This sometimes indicates a woman with strong sexual needs who has found that she can only fully meet them through extramarital sex.
However, watch out for the woman who has no sense of loyalty to anyone — except possibly to herself.
Most cases of adultery will involve a man that the woman has become emotionally involved with. If this is a man who is married and who clearly won't leave his wife, the cuckold man may want to offer her the freedom to continue this dead-end relationship. However, this probably means that she is emotionally involved in another man.
Foreign Prostitutes
Some men look to foreign countries where millions of women have to work as prostitutes to support their families. In order to be "successful," these women are generally rather attractive.
Unlike the United States and many countries where intelligent women have many professional options, for many third-world women prostitution is necessary for survival. This does not mean that they are "bad women," just that they have had to to this to survive and possibly to support a ******.
However, it may mean that they have become a bit "hardened" by some of their experiences with men. Watch out for women who below the surface mistrust all men -- or even secretly hate them. This is often associated with early molestation and it may not be immediately evident.
Although there are risks involved in marrying a woman from a totally different culture—and we talk about that elsewhere on this site—if you spend the time to really get to know the woman (and, ideally, her ****** too), these marriages can work out very well.
Your two biggest problems will be getting INS approval, which has gotten more difficult in recent years, and being able to really get to know the woman before marriage.
The fact that she has worked a prostitute (if it's known by the police) will get her rejected for coming to most countries. In many countries, such as the Philippines, with its estimated 300,000 prostitutes (primarily supported by U.S. servicemen) there are seldom arrests for prostitution.
Many servicemen have knowingly married foreign prostitutes—not being able to pass up a young and attractive girl, regardless of what she had to do to survive. Again, she may have been blessed with beauty and her ****** may have counted on her sex work just to survive.
Before things get too far along, consider a full health check-up for her. This may have to be done anyway before she can get her papers to come to your country.
Although some people might feel that bringing a woman like this into an open marriage is a form of exploitation, few could argue that she wouldn't be much better off than if she stayed in her country an continued her profession. (Today, a great many of these women die of AIDS.)
At the same time, the man must be perfectly clear in explaining his lifestyle. And, there is no guarantee that after marriage, she may suddenly decide to leave all vestiges of her previous sexual behavior behind.
Although some of these women just want to escape their country and their economic conditions and they may leave the marriage once they get settled in the new country, others end up being very dedicated, grateful, and attentive wives.
You should also keep in mind that if you marry her you may be expected to contribute to her ******'s welfare—a gesture that should be based in your own gratitude and willingness to help some people who are probably very much in need of help. Not only is it the least you can do, but her ongoing gratitude may strengthen the marriage.
Many of these women have children, which largely dictated their economic need to start with, and you may need to consider the implications of this. At the same time, you may find that these children are much better behaved than the average child in your own country.
Look For Submissive Women
Some men look for a clearly submissive woman who has been "guided" by a previous man.
Although some cuckold husbands look for a dominant woman — even one that regularly humiliates them sexually — most (at least, according to our mail) like a submissive woman.
Some submissive women want a man to push them into new sexual experiences.
Some submissive women take to bondage and even like to be put in situations with men that will result in inevitable sex. As we've noted elsewhere, this may mean that she wants to escape guilt and responsibility for something that for her is sexually exciting but forbidden. Of course you can find yourself on dangerous ground here.
We've gotten letters from married women who sought out affairs with men who "took charge" and were dominate -- characteristics they were looking for in a relationship, but said their husbands lacked
Submissive women who are in between dominant relationships are often looking for a man to replace a previous one, and this may be an opportunity for (some types of) cuckold men to take over. Of course, the question arises: "Why did the previous dominant-submissive relationship break up?" Trying to discover this can be critical for a number of reasons. Is she quite neurotic? Does she move in and out of her submissive personality? Are there shades of bipolar hypersexuality here?
Although the women's movement bulks at the idea, there are many submissive women who feel adrift if a man isn't "calling the shots." (Of course, there are probably just as many women who want to call the shots themselves.)
If there is genuine love in a dominant-submissive relationship, a woman may be better off with this type of man than being constantly buffeted by the opinions and desires of others. (We'll leave the need for her personal growth and responsibility out of this for now.)
Submissive women may in Internet chat rooms talk about things that they would like a man to do — generally involving sex. Often, there will be a trace of a need for humiliation in the wording. Again, you can't believe everything you read, and the only way to find out what's really behind the words it to initiate ongoing correspondence followed up with telephone conversations and in-person meetings.
Suffice it to say, a significant number of hotwives have submissive personalities and are simply going along with the desires of their husbands or boyfriends. Although this type of personality can be volatile and even unpredictable, some cuckold husbands feel that the benefits outweigh the possible problems.
Why Marry Her?
While it's certainly not necessary, the cuckold husband typically gets much more excitement out of having a wife that lets men take to bed than "just" a girlfriend.
For one thing he feels that she is more apt to stick with him through her sexual relationships. The same can be said for what the hotwife feels about the security of marriage.
According to one husband, 'Men know she's mine, and although they can barrow her, they can't have her.
Since he knows her and loves her, he can share in the sexual excitement and pleasure that he encourages her to experience.
Being able to vicariously share the sexual experience and pleasure she gets from having sex with men (and that men have with her) motivates many cuckold husbands
For her — a married woman — there is often a certain excitement in breaking the taboo about extramarital sex while maintaining the security and "emotional anchor" of marriage.
Live Together First
The couple needs to live together for a number of months (at least) before contemplating marriage. Among other things the man will want to make sure that her time with other men does not affect their primary relationship.
The cuckold husband needs to verify the fact that this woman is really interested in dating other men, enjoys sex with them, and has a desire to date different men. At the same time he wants to make sure that she is able to keep the primary relationship primary.
Just because the hotwife has sex with other men should in no way diminish her love for her husband
There is one last question to consider.
Since beauty fades and sexual interests eventually wanes, you need to ask if this a relationship that has other important things going for it? Without the hotwife-cuckold husband elements, do you truly have enough in common to enjoy a life together?
Understanding the Cuckold Husband
Part I
Even though it may seem strange to her and totally contrary to expected male attitudes, it's essential that the hotwife understand the motivation of her cuckold husband.
This is the key to avoiding major problems
For the cuckold husband his wife's sexual pleasures and experiences may become his vicarious sexual pleasures and experiences. In a way, this is not much different than people who like to experience the experiences of others through such things as TV, films, and books.
Elsewhere, we refer to the shared experience motivation This comes from a husband watching his wife's sexual pleasure. Some men have reported that watching their wives enjoy sex with someone else, including building to a climax, is even more enjoyable than having sex themselves. Although this is undoubtedly a voyeuristic aspect to this, with many men there also seems to be an element of witnessing and sharing an intense, pleasurable moment with someone they love.
In the case of sex, however, things for the husband can also be very personal. Not only does it involve sex, one of the most stirring human experiences, but also something presumably very close to him, his wife.
The fact that they are doing something that's taboo, while providing pleasure for all involved, adds to the intensity of the experience.
There are several explanations for a man's desire to share his wife with other men. An evolutionary one is explained at the end of this e-mail. Other motivations can be found on this site.
How a Wife Can Recognize A Cuckold Husband
First, he may admit that he fantasizes about her in bed with another man.
The latter will be especially evident when he's turned on. When she sees that he's in the right sexual mood, she may want to support this fantasy as a way of opening the door to her sexual freedom.
She may find that he gets turned on when she talks about her past sexual encounters -- especially if they include explicit details. (Women tend to think about the romantic elements; men the physical elements.)
He shouldn't be surprised if he encourages her to wear revealing clothes on some occasions to catch the attention of men -- and even to send a message.
He probably doesn't want her to openly "come on" to other men, but to just send the signal, 'I'm easy
Throughout this discussion we're assuming the new definition of cuckold husband.
As we've noted in previous chapters, the hotwife will have her own motivations for wanting sexual freedom. Her husband's (the cuckold husband's) motivations will typically be quite different.
Some might assume that the cuckold husband wants to degrade his wife or turn her into a kind of slut.
Although human motivations cover a wide spectrum and it's hard to rule out this type of motivation, we know from our correspondence that many of these husbands genuinely love their wives and with a "do unto others" motivation, want them to enjoy new sexual experiences.
From our feedback it seems that another motivation is to see the wife break through the sexual barriers and taboos that are common in our society.
It should not come as a surprise that after a wife with limited sexual experience has sex with several lovers, she becomes much less inhibited about sex. Her new spirit of sexual adventure will undoubtedly be brought into the married couple's bedroom and sexual conversations.
The cuckold husband may want his wife to be seen as "hot" and possibly even "easy." It's been documented that when men are around this type of woman their testosterone level goes up. Studies even indicate that competition for a female — in this case the wife — positively affects the nature of the husband's sperm, making it more likely that he can impregnate her. (Undoubtedly, there is some evolutionary aspect to this.)
Although the cuckold husband is married to her and has seemingly won the "competition," just seeing other vying for her not only affects the nature of his sperm, but seems to add both to her value and his status in having her.
Although he wants to keep the marriage solid, he may like to be part of the competition for her. As a result, he will probably go out of his way to keep her happy. Some (very secure) men like to encourage this type of competition, especially since they have, in a sense, already won it.
Many cuckold husbands want their wives to be the exact opposite of most women.
They want their wives to develop (or unleash) their desire for sexual experience and pleasure.
Meeting Vicarious Needs
We can't rule out the issue of control.
Most (but not all) of today's cuckold husbands want to feel they are ultimately in control of their hotwives. They may want to influence her decisions over the lovers she selects. Some want the power to have their wives sleep with certain men and not others.
According to one man:
My wife is shy and sort of fears rejection, so she wants me to set things up for her. ...She says she wants to know from the start that he wants to take her to bed, with none of the traditional "games" involved.
...Sometimes I'll see a man and picture him in bed with my wife. If I think it will be an interesting match, I'll talk to him and mention that she's easy for men to get into bed.
The cuckold husband will probably want assurance that if he at any time suspects that she's becoming emotionally involved with a lover, or if a sexual relationship seems to be negatively affecting the marriage, he can insist that she breaks it off -- and she will.
While some might feel these issues center in control, others will feel that they are simply necessary safeguards for the marriage.
From a husband who watched his wife climax with another man --
At that moment they both looked like they were experiencing ecstasy and I was happy for them.
I definitely love Sherry and I want her to be able to regularly experience this kind of intense pleasure.
Why should I let feelings of possessiveness or jealousy stand in the way?
This husband was able to vicariously share his wife's sexual excitement and pleasure, and this man's pleasure in making it with a new and desirable woman.
The following example gives more insight into the cuckold husband's feelings.
This husband said he came home to find his wife on the living room couch with a stud-looking guy that she had apparently just met. The two apparently didn't hear him come in and, "I didn't want to interrupt things, so I watched out of sight while things progressed."
Of course, how husbands react at this point illustrates how the husbands of hotwives differ from most husbands.
First, as they quietly talked for some time, the two of them started to touch each other. Then they started to lightly kiss, and that soon led to deep-mouth kissing. Soon, he pushed her down on the couch.
His hands then moved up under her clothes and I could see her expression change as she realized where this was headed... At the same time she knew she had permission to have sex with different men.
As he worked her, I could see my wife getting hot and starting to make her "don't stop" noises. Then, all their clothes came off.
...Once they started -- and it lasted a long time -- couldn't help but think how beautiful my wife looked in sex.
Although a wife may think that some of the symptoms of a cuckold husband are strange, even neurotic, she needs to accept the fact that a many husbands want to be married to a hotwife. As we've noted previously, this appears one of the top fantasies among men.
Fantasies that are "outside the norm" can spice up a relationship. (She undoubtedly has engaged in her own fantasies, so she shouldn't be judgmental.) At various places on this site we cover this topic in some detail, including here.
Things For the Hotwife to Keep in Mind
The hotwife needs to realize that under the right circumstances her husband may be just as much turned on by her sexual activities with other men as he is by sex within the marriage—in many cases even more.
Although it may bother her that he seems to be more interested in her having sex with another man that he is with having sex with her, this is often nature of this phenomenon, and the better she understands it the better things will go.
Interestingly, a husband who knows his wife who has just spent time with a lover is often more passionate in subsequent lovemaking. According to one husband, "There's something about knowing that another man has just had my wife that makes her more exciting." She may be still wet and turned on from a previous lover.
At the same time, to protect her sexual freedom and to protect her marriage, the hotwife has to handle things very carefully. This includes catering to her husband's motivations, including his fantasies about her.
Most hotwives consider this small price to pay for sexual freedom. This freedom can be especially significant if sex in the marriage has diminished or even disappeared
For the hotwife this can be a delicate balancing act.
If she does not understand and handle this in the right way, she may find that her husband becomes cold and jealous rather than encouraging her activities.
She needs to realize that her husband has to adjust to his wife not being sexually exclusive to him. He may have meet men who have had or want to have sex with her.
To compensate for any suspected loss of his virility, the husband may want to remind others of his own previous sexual escapades. (She might help him in this.) At the same time to prove his lack of jealousy, he may freely admit to men that his wife regularly enjoys sex with men.
A few cuckold husbands don't mind meeting the wife's lovers; some prefer never to see them and to let their imagination run free.
How He Wants Her to Appear
Each cuckold husband will be different, of course -- these motivations tend to be on a wide sliding scale — but after the relationship or marriage has existed for a number of years (and if there is real communication going on about such issues), she should be aware of his thoughts and motivations.
If this type of communication does not exist, now is the time to initiate it. For one thing, it's necessary for a close relationship, and especially for an open relationship.
Wives should also keep in mind that many affairs have started when a man discovered a woman who encouraged this level of honesty and openness. This short example illustrates this.
As we've noted, this may include the fact husband wants her to wear revealing clothes when they go to a bar or nightclub. He may encourage her to dance with men and he may be turned on by seeing these men become sexually excited by her. According to one man, "The fact that guys get hot around her makes me feel as I've really got something. Maybe they can "borrow," but they can't "have."
According to another man,
This young guy kept wanting to dance with my wife. These were slow dances and he held her really close and I could see him looking down her dress. With the dress she was wearing I'm sure he could see everything. I saw pretty clear evidence of an erection, which I'm sure she felt.
I think the fact that she could turn on this young guy the way she did gave her a real ego boost. ...I'm sure before long she was wondering what it would be like in bed with him.
That night in bed our fantasies centered around giving him her phone number and agreeing to meet him in a motel. My wife said doing that would be exciting and she explained in some detail what she wanted to happen.
Maybe it was just part of the fantasy, but she said she would do it. Of course, then I came, and suddenly wasn't interested in the fantasy any more.
The latter comment, which has implications in all of these discussions, is important for hotwives to keep in mind. These feelings are very much rooted in the husband's testosterone level, which can change from hour to hour and day to day. (And men think women have mood swings!)
She may soon pick up on the fact that when he's horny, he is most apt to encourage her to have sex with another man
She might even come out and ask rather teasingly — possibly whispering in his ear during foreplay —"Joe wants to get me into bed. Should I let him?"
Although in reality the chances of this happening may range from slim to nonexistent at this point, the object is to turn her husband on by getting him to think about it and agree to it. Just giving her permission, opens the door to a possibility that many men find strangely energizing and intriguing.
At the same time this may give the wife an opportunity to show a "slutty" side of herself.
According to one wife,
I guess there was this secret side of me that wanted to express itself -- but was afraid. With my husband's encouragement I started daring myself to wear revealing clothes when we were out of town.
First, it was no bra. When I got used to men staring at my boobs, I dispensed with my panties.
This one time when we were sitting on a bench across from a man. I was wearing a short skirt and my husband, who knew I wasn't wearing panties. He dared me to uncross my legs. After a while, he said, "Now open your legs." Finally I did. The whole time I was pretending I was reading a brochure I had.
At first I had my legs tightly closed. But gradually I opened them. Doing that made a strange excitement come over me.
You have no idea how much courage that took, and how much excitement it created to know that I guy I'd never met was staring at my pussy and I was doing nothing about it. I kept pretending that I was ******* that he was staring. My husband made me sit that way until I got used to it. It took some time, but after a while, it didn't matter.
That day some kind of major barrier dissolved in me and I keep thinking about it. I want to experience that kind of excitement again, but only if my husband is with me.
Finally, as we've suggested, it is common for a (white) cuckold husband to fantasize about his (wife) wife in bed with a black man. It is not a coincidence that there are scores of Internet sites devoted to black-on-white sex.
We have elected not to deal here with the cuckold husband as the humiliated "helpless victim" aspect of hotwives and cuckold husband phenomenon, primarily because it opens an entirely different aspect of this issue.
This type of cuckold husband wants his wife to completely control her sexual encounters—giving him no choice in the matter. This case history that illustrates this cuckold husband characteristic. She may flaunt these encounters in front of him, even giving details on how great her lovers were (compared to him).
Her fantasy may be to force her husband to watch her have sex with one or more men—even going so far as to tie him to a chair so he must witness it. The goal is to humiliate him—something which turns him on to "endure." Many women are turned on by their own sexual humiliation, but this generally takes a different form.
Part II
Should Fantasies Turn Into Realities?
Although many wives are happy to indulge their husband's fantasies, when things start to get real, they will put on the brakes.
And this is where things can get difficult in a marriage.
Again, a warning: These fantasies are almost always best left as fantasies.
As many couples have found out, opening a marriage represents a bell that, as they say, that can't be unrung.
Even so, based on our e-mail many people -- both husbands and wives -- clearly want to go down this road. Thus, we feel we should offer feedback from letters and personal interviews.
We need to add at this point that according to our correspondence, many husbands who have harbored these fantasies for years have finally reach a point of insisting that their wives take the next step. Sadly, there are quite a few ex-husbands that went in this direction.
As we've previously said, a woman should be in charge of her own body, and if she's dead set against this, it's best not to push it (and only add more resistance). Simply move on to other things in life.
At the same time some husbands simply tell their wives that they want them to sleep with men, not giving them much choice if they want to stay in the marriage.
These are often men with "issues" about women that suggest a need for therapy. As one such man said, revealing a bit of hostility: "I want men to regularly f**k her."
And from the introductory chapter on this topic a kind of typical view from a cuckold husband:
I definitely don't want to lose my wife to another man, but at the same time I fantasize about her getting it from other men.
I guess I want it both ways. A wife that is totally devoted to me, but a wife that lets men take her to bed.
Maybe it's too much to hope for, or maybe it's against human nature, but I want our marriage to survive by totally trusting in "love" and not requiring sexual exclusivity.
...Maybe this is the ultimate test of love.
When Fantasies Turn Into Realities
While most husbands (fortunately) have a quite different attitude, human behavior is never free of hidden motivations.
We can explore some of these motivations through the e-mail we get.
According to one man:
"My wife has this tight, dark red dress that I got her with a front that falls open when she leans over. Without a bra, it shows her complete breasts.
"At first, it bothered her to wear it, but she got used to it. Now, she admits she likes to see the effect she can have on men."
Since our letters reveal much of the cuckold husband's motivation, and that's the topic of this chapter, we'll use several quotes.
"I've gotten her to wear these revealing, "I want it," outfits.
"..I often ask her how long it took before they were in bed. ...She knows I like to hear the details..."
The following is also from E-Mail.
"I always have to bring work home. After not doing much all day, my wife got on my case about going out and doing something.
"Of course, that's generally the very last thing I feel like doing.
"This one time just to get her out of the house, so I could catch up on some work, encouraged her to go out with a neighbor who was celebrating his birthday. (I had suggested it to him and I encouraged her to wear a rather revealing dress.)
"They had some drinks and he ended up doing her in the back of his van.
"She was reluctant to tell me, but that night in bed I felt the evidence. She was surprised I wasn't mad. ...We talked about the "rules," and then I encouraged her to go out with him again.
"...She did, and then he told another guy and then that guy started asking her out.
"...Now when she goes out with one of these guys I know that by the time she gets back she'll be worn out, not to mention having her needs met."
Although we will take up a couple letters form women a bit later in this chapter, let's add one more (rewritten) segment from a male writer.
"We like to keep the evenings to ourselves, so my wife invites men over in the afternoon when I'm at work—or, more often, they call her and invite themselves over.
"She always tells me exactly when they are coming over, so when I'm at work I can sort of figure when a guy has her in bed.
"...I like to picture what they are doing.
"When I get home I can generally just see by the way she looks that she's been with a guy.
"She used to make the bed and stuff before I got home, but now I think she figures I like to see where it took place.
"I often see the condom the guy used in a little dish on the night stand where she told him to put it.
"...Although she's a housewife, she's definitely not a bored housewife."
And then there is this:
"She wasn't used to all that much sex in our marriage, so once the door was opened [to sex outside of the marriage], I pushed her to not to back away from guys the way she was used to. I challenged her to let guys know she was available. It took a while, but once some guys found out, she got very popular."
And quoting from another letter:
"I can remember how great it was the first time I had sex with her, so I know how these guys must feel [having sex with] her."
Another husband talked about the excitement of having a hotwife.
"My wife used to be kind of hung-up about sex, but once [I got her into being a hotwife] she's more exciting in the way she acts, dresses, everything.
"...Most guys are kind of shy about initiating things, so I coached her in developing this subtle way of coming on to a guy with her eyes that makes it clear that she's willing.
"...When she gets ready for a date, she acts like some teenager!
"And, of course, when she gets back she generally has that just-got-out-of-bed, well used but very satisfied and a bit guilty look that I like to see.
"...And I guess since she has some guilt about, she's super nice to me."
And finally -
"..Sometimes when she's bored and getting on my nerves I encourage my wife to call a guy and go over to his house. ...They both know it's for sex."
Dealing With What Others May Think
Although we've previously alluded to this issue, since it can be so significant, it merits its own section.
Most couples that open their relationships — and this includes a wife that turns into a hotwife — will probably find that if they really want to -- and they can get through a period of major adjustment -- they can handle it.
It's other people that have the problem.
In a corporate environment where one spouse works this can result in rumors that can affect attitudes toward one or both partners.
Interestingly, it's generally not what people are saying, but what one or both partners think they might be saying, that can be the problem.
In most sophisticated urban environments the fact that affairs are going on isn't exactly "front page news" unless it involves someone of major importance within the company.
Given a bit of time, women seem to be able to adjust to this better than men. According to one woman -
"At first I figured that everyone was talking about my sleeping with different men, especially since one of them was black.
"But, when I didn't seem to be trying to hide it or really care what they thought, it eventually became a non-issue."
As we've noted, men have the greatest problem. There are still conservative views held by men who think that any man that can't keep his wife under control isn't much of a man.
This is one of the reasons some men prefer real or claimed open relationships. They can simply say they are doing the same thing.
According to one man -
It took a while, especially when I met guys that knew Ann was having sex with different guys.
"To explain things, I've been alluding to her sexual appetite and my own sexual freedom.
"...Looking at her and knowing that she has no problem letting men take her to bed, somehow makes her seem more sexy and desirable."
At the same time, many open marriages remain discrete and are never discovered by coworkers or friends. In today's urban environments people can have very different, non-overlapping circles of friends.
We heard of one couple that often entertains members of their church in their home, people that would never suspect that the couple often hosts weekend sex parties. (Two studies have found a positive correlation between conservative views and swinging.)
Cuckold Husband Fantasies
From the cuckold husband's perspective there is sometimes a "taming of the shrew element" in having a hotwife. This is discussed in some detail in this chapter.
The husband may fantasize about a powerful (safe) man sexually awakening and dominating a sexually reluctant wife and forcing her to break free of her sexual inhibitions -- doing things in bed that she's never done before.
According to one writer (rewritten from e-mail):
"One of my fantasies is that my wife (who's rather hung up about sex) would find herself completely stranded for two or more months in a remote lodge with several very horny men.
"Although she hasn't ever wanted to consider extra-marital sex, the guys would wear her down and after a while she would end up regularly providing them all with sex.
"And then when she finally comes home she's completely changed and has gotten used to doing it all."
As we said, these are fantasies. According to another writer:
"...If I knew she would be safe, I would want her to work as a prostitute until it became no big deal to do everything with men.
"..I would like to think of her as getting it from some man every night before she gets home.
"Although I would want her to use condoms, there's a part of me that would like to reach down and find that she was still very wet with some man's cum. ...I would like to see her breasts red form men that have sucked on them..."
Although most (but definitely not all women) would shutter in reading these fantasies, they are provided as a way of illustrating how men fantasize about forcing their wives to break through sexual barriers.
In fact, some women, who are reluctant to have new sexual experiences, fantasize about bondage, where they wouldn't have a choice. The psychological reasons underlying this are explained elsewhere.
Viewpoints of Hotwives
Although we don't get many letters from hotwives, possibly some detailed quotes from what we have will make up for the deficiency. The first account is based on e-mail and some follow-up questions.
"When my husband first brought it up—I guess that was several years ago—I really wasn't interested in what's now called a hotwife; I mean not only was I was raised to believe that extra-marital sex was a real no-no, but I just wasn't interested.
"...But, before we were married I did a lot of dating, and, looking back, I know I enjoyed going out with different men, having them wine and dine me and all -- making me feel really special.
"And, of course, sex was often a part of that. After a while, I found myself thinking about the good times I had back then.
"So when my husband kept talking about it [being a hotwife], I really started to consider it.
"When he found that I was interested, we did a lot of talking; you know, the rules of the game and all. And we agreed on just how it would be.
"When an opportunity came up with a man at work—this guy had been trying to get into my pants for a long time—I asked my husband, and said, 'Go for it.'
"That's how it started. And then I kind of let certain guys know that I was available and they could take me to bed.
"It gives a woman a certain feeling of power to know that guys pursue her and will wine and dine her, just for the chance to get her into bed.
"Most people think the bed part is some sort of a price women have to pay, but, as far as I'm concerned, it generally ends up being the best part of the evening.
"It's just like dating again. But now have a secure life [in my marriage] with most everything I want.
"Being a hotwife, I don't have to worry about a jealous husband or the whole thing wrecking my marriage.
"And then there's the fact that guys sort of compete for me...
"...Although as far as I'm concerned our marriage is strong, and I guess you could say now my husband doesn't take me for granted the way so many husbands do."
"I've also learned—after a few bad episodes—just how to handle things with my husband.
"I can't seem to have too much fun, I can't talk about the fact that the guy is really super (even if he is), and, above all I have to be really affectionate [toward my husband] to constantly assure him that nobody is more important that he is.
"...My husband likes to hear about the guy's penis, how big it was, how much of it I could get it all in my mouth, and what positions we were in when we did it. He especially likes to hear about how the guy came in me.
"At first I was reluctant to talk about these things — and, yes, it's a bit strange maybe — but I found out that's what he wants to hear about, so I figure I can do that.
And, finally, this feedback from an woman -
"The women that are all hung up about this [being a hotwife], just don't know what an advantage it can be for a married woman to be given this kind of freedom.
"...If I meet an interesting guy, I know that I don't have to play 'do not touch,' like good wives are supposed to. Right from the beginning I know that sex is an option -- without hiding it or worrying about getting caught by a jealous husband."
How Can I Turn My Wife Into a Hotwife?
The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with having new sexual partners; she is not looking for a new love relationship
A woman should be in control of her body, and that control should not be taken away or even infringed upon.
To try to push her into things that she is 100% dead set against will only cause major problems.
So if this is very clearly the case, forget it; move on to other things in life.
Question, "How can I turn my wife into a hotwife?"
As difficult as it might be for many people to understand, the issue of "getting my wife to have sex with other men" is now major topic on the Internet — in particular in Internet chatrooms.
In addition, to being asked this question, we've gotten letters that include a number of suggestions and personal experiences.
At the same time, writers tell us to warn readers that the reality is quite different than the fantasy.
We should note that this fantasy almost never starts at the beginning of relationships or when a couple is just starts living together, but generally only after the people have gotten to know each other and feel they can risk opening the relationship.
By then she may be starting to miss the sexual freedom she had before marriage, and the husband may feel secure enough in the marriage to allow her to, or want her to, experience sex with other men.
Simply put, if all three of these factors are not present, the couple should not move in this direction.
Whereas being "that kind of woman" was once seen as a disgrace, in this age of female sexual liberation many wives don't mind admitting that they enjoy male attention and the freedom to go to bed with men who interest them.
Being what is termed to 'hotwife' is an attractive option for many women, and convincing a wife to move in this direction may end up not be an issue at all.
The fact that the hotwife is married (and presumably is not going to pursue marriage or get pregnant) makes this kind of woman more desirable to many men. She represents free,"no-strings-attached-sex."
If a man doesn't treat her right, is not that attentive in bed, or simply "gets boring," she can easily move on without disrupting her life. She may consider it "the best of both worlds."
However, from my e-mail I also know that many more wives are not interested in becoming hotwives, even though they enjoy sex and may have had numerous sexual partners before marriage. If negative religious, cultural, and personal conditioning about sexual exclusivity is too strong it will probably never happen.
It also depends to a great extent on the nature and frequency of her prior sexual experience. Women who have for some time paired sex with dating don't see that being a hotwife as being a major change over their prior dating behavior.
This chapter is designed for relationships where --
(1.) the two partners have talked this over, have agreed on some rules, and have mutually decided to move in this direction
(2) the woman wants to enlist her partner's help in moving in this direction
(3) the husband has thought it over and not only wants his wife to have other sexual partners, but is genuinely committed to weather some very "rough waters" in the relationship as a result.
Even so, most husbands, especially in the United States, wouldn't allow their wives to become hotwives or even want an open relationship. Although they might entertain these thoughts in fantasies, possessiveness, jealousy, and cultural conditioning — and especially "what others might think" — ultimately prevail.
However, at the same time, we know that a few husbands are able handle this without significant problems. A few husbands even claim that this arrangement has helped their marriage, especially if sex within the marriage has diminished -- a common complain from women today-- leaving the the wife sexually frustrated.
One husband in a chatroom conversation said, "...My wife loves sex; she's great in bed; life is short; why not let them enjoy it?"
A few wives "could care less about sex." That is covered elsewhere. Even so, we've have heard from many wives who consciously or unconsciously experience acute mental and physical sexual frustration when they do without sex for a length of time — so much so that it negatively affects their moods, feelings of well being, and their marriage.
When some husbands have seen the positive change that safe and approved extramarital sex has brought in their wives, their initial opposition has gradually dissolved
Broaching the Subject
Some reluctant wives, if approached in the right way, will be willing to at least to talk about the hotwife option and this is where things can start.
We've gotten letters from husbands who said their wives were against it at first, but once it was brought up and they started thinking about it, they eventually changed their minds.
It may simply be a matter of them getting used to the idea and talking through the concerns.
What we are talking about in this chapter is a wife who has secretly fantasizes about other lovers -- most women have -- and wants to turn those fantasies into reality.
In this process she wants her husband's help in overcoming areas of resistance
Common Areas of Resistance
With women, resistance to becoming a hotwife generally starts with pride and fear issues.
They may look down on their liberated sisters who say they enjoy sex and seek out men who "know how to please a woman in bed."
Some women in the conservative women's movement loudly condemn hotwifery and urge women to "hold onto their pride."
One of these influential women feels that all sex is **** (even loving sex between a husband and wife) and that women who say they enjoy it have just been brainwashed by men into believing it. (According to one woman, "Hell, if I think I'm enjoying it, then I am enjoying it!)
At the same time of liberated women feel a woman's body should not be controlled by anyone else, and she had a right to have sex with someone if she wants.
In cases of strong religious feelings, moving in the hotwife direction may be unwise.
Although these feelings reverse, this can be a pernicious area and one that the woman needs to resolve herself
In addition, there are three main issues in the fear most women have about being a hotwife.
First is STD (sexually-transmitted disease). While this is a very real issue. The solution is not too much different from the other routine precautions we take in life -- things such as looking both ways before we cross a street, and wearing seat belts.
Until the disease-killing sexual lubricants come on the market, condoms should simply be a routine and expected part of sex. (It might be worth considering that in parts of Nevada where prostitution is legal and condoms are required, and despite thousands of partners, not a single case of AIDS has ever been reported among licensed prostitutes.)
The second aspect is "fear" of being with someone unfamiliar -- someone with different needs and expectations.
The advice of "just do it" -- and do it numerous times -- is the solution to getting past that.
And finally, there is the "my body is far from perfect" syndrome.
We live in a body-conscious society and few women look like Playboy playmates. (And few men are endowed like male porn stars.)
A history of good sexual experience will erase this fear. Again, it's a matter of getting past the initial fears and concerns.
We should also mention that some women just don't enjoy sex. Sex within the marriage is enough of a "burden" for them, so sex beyond that seems out of the question. This type of woman probably has either never learned how to enjoy sex, or has has grown up with negative feelings toward it -- a common situation in earlier generations.
There has been some success in using libido enhancing drugs with these women. Once barriers are broken down, they's been known to both start wanting and enjoying sex. However, these drugs are still in testing phases.
There is considerable evidence to support the fact that when married women start taking advantage of sexual freedom, and assuming guilt doesn't take over, they improve themselves in numerous ways.
This includes positive changes in attitude (the so-called "zest for life"), personal appearance, and numerous health benefits
Getting Discussions Started
Before the "becoming a hotwife" discussions begin, the husband must feel that the marriage is totally solid and that it can definitely withstand some real challenges (read: real challenges!).
It will help the husband's feelings of security if he feels that his wife knows that she has a good thing in the marriage and that other men could not offer her the emotional (and possibly financial) advantages she now enjoys.
Not unrelated, the wife (hotwife) must always assure the husband that she's very happy with him and the marriage. If the relationship is on shaky ground to start with, major problems will quickly develop. If the latter is the case, opening the marriage may well doom it!
The central question the husband needs to asked his wife is, 'Could you have sex with other men without it affecting our marriage or your feelings toward me?'
Possibly an even bigger question centers on whether he can handle the fact that his wife is having sex with other men. The vast majority of husbands can't
An open marriage or "swinging" is generally much easier for a husband to handle, since he's simultaneously involved in extramarital sex.
Even so, most women link sex with love, or the development of love. New partners must guard against feelings of attachment. The hotwife seeks the pleasure and excitement that comes with new sexual partners; she is not looking for a new love relationship.
In the beginning, the exploratory hotwife discussions may take a general, impersonal form. Many of the advantages for women are outlined in the previous chapter and in the exploratory discussions these can be discussed between the husband and wife. (We're assuming a marriage here, although there are an ever-increasing number of committed relationships that do not involve marriage.)
The wife may have suspicions about why he wants to move in this direction. Immediately coming to mind will be the possibility that he wants to have an affair, or even that he is trying to get her interested in other men so he can get out of the marriage.
These things, of course, should not be the case, and they should be addressed openly and honestly and assurances given. These fears may take much in the way of persistent, loving assurance to overcome.
He should clearly communicate "I love you," but our marriage doesn't mean that you must be denied sexual experiences with other men, the kind that you probably enjoyed before our marriage (or wished you could have enjoyed)
Most women have had men flirt with them or "hit" on them.
He should let her know that this does not threaten him. The husband may know of a particular man that interests her. He might tease her about it and make it clear that it's okay.
At the same time, the dangers of going in the hotwife direction should be openly addressed. There are many and they can have permanent consequences.
She could fall in love with someone else. What will be the effect be of people knowing about the extra-marital affair?
Although she may not immediately agree to move in this direction, once she is convinced that she has this freedom, she will feel less sexually restricted and may start thinking about things differently.
This difference is often evident to other men who will see her as being less inhibited around them. She may become flirtatious, drop suggestive remarks, or start dressing provocatively.
Women like male attention and this feeds on itself—unless, of course, she feels personally threatened by the attention and is burdened by latent anti-sex beliefs.
The husband might also suggest that she wear more revealing clothes -- especially when they go out together. When they go to a dance or night club, he might let certain men know that they can or should dance with her.
Generally, when a woman is in a man's presence for a length of time, she starts to consider possibilities -- especially if she knows that her husband wants her to. (Dancing, especially close dancing over a period of time, tends to break down barriers.) The husband may encourage men to do this, making it obvious that he won't object to anything that she freely wants to do.
I put her into a situation where I knew an affair with this man would be almost inevitable. After she went to bed with him a few times, she hooked up with another man. Soon, she had other opportunities, and then she lost her inhibitions over having sex with other men
Once she has an affair it's essential that it be brought out into the open as soon and discussed The wife must know that the husband feels that the affair was okay -- maybe even exciting to vicarious share.
This may take a some time with constant assurances, but, eventually, the wife may agree to bring extramarital sex out in the open and adhere to "the rules of being a hotwife."
Other Approaches
Beyond the approaches we've talked about, there are various more direct approaches to getting a wife started having sex with other men.
Adult Games
Participating in adult games is often a first step
This may start with several couples playing strip poker and then progress to some of the more explicit adult games involving physical contact.
It helps to have some of her friends encourage her to participate. Peer pressure possibly initially mixed with alcohol results in many women losing their inhibitions.
If these experiences are repeated several times, it will give the husband an opportunity to get used to seeing his wife nude before others -- especially other men. Some men find this a kind of ultimate test of their confidence in themselves and the relationship. These adult games are available at many specialty stores and on the Internet.
Introduce Specific Fantasies
Next, the husband can subtly introduce fantasies in the bedroom.
He may ask his wife what man she is attracted to, and even at some point get her to admit that she would consider going to bed with him.
The husband may take the man's part in the conversation, and while he sexually stimulates her, get her to flirt with the man in an explicit, make-believe conversation.
The same fantasy conversation should eventually lead to her making an obvious offer of sex. As she moves toward a climax, explicit, "dirty talk" can be encouraged, complete with using the man's name as she climaxes.
Many wives find the "forbidden" aspects of this a major turn-on. She may also discover that admitting in front of her husband that she has a fantasy of sleeping with another man is not only a turn-on, but over time it proves that her husband has no problem with it.
Soon she may reach a point of saying that, given a chance, she would not turn down the man's offer to have sex.
Whether or not this offer ever comes about it not important at this point. What is, is for both the husband and wife to experience her boldly offering herself to another man, and, if possible, climaxing while visualizing him.
Later, he will want to get her to a point of boldly admitting outside of the bedroom that she would like to go to bed with specific men.
If a wife can reach the point in front of her husband of saying that she would like to go to bed with another man, she will probably experience a feeling of freedom and excitement
For a husband a good initial test to see if things should continue is to hear his wife say that she would like to go to bed with other men and she would not turn down the opportunity. If the husband feels pangs of jealousy in hearing this, it either means that he has to work through them, or there is some question if things should continue in the hotwife direction.
However, if he can honestly say, "Yes, I want you to experience that," then the couple may be ready for the next step — following through.
Beyond this, we move into "the real world," and this is the topic of Part II.
Part II
How Do I Turn My Wife Into a Hotwife?
My husband and I had a lot of arguments over this hotwife thing, with me always saying 'no way.'
...We got divorced, and after a while I got lonely and started dating. I soon found out that a lot of things had changed. Guys who date a divorced woman almost always expect sex, or else they figure something is wrong and drop you.
After a while, I found that I had been having sex with a lot of different men and I had changed my mind about sex.
If I had been willing to do that before, I might still be married and, the way things have turned out, be a whole lot better off than I am now
.
The First Time With Another Man
The first time the wife has condoned sex with a man outside of marriage will be the most difficult all around. This letter sheds light on that.
If both partners agree on moving in the hotwife direction the cuckold husband should be prepared to encourage her first sexual meeting, even if the man is not his first choice for her.
If the woman has had limited sexual experience, or the couple has been monogamously married for a long time, the wife may find that sex with a new partner seems strange and awkward.
Thus, subsequent meetings should be encouraged until she gets used to having sex with other men—and, possibly more importantly, until she becomes convinced that her husband has no problem with it.
Although the wife may be understandably hesitant to discuss what she's doing, and this feeling definitely needs to be respected, this is also not a time to shut down communication or avoid the "touchy" issues.
Before long, everything must be brought out into the open and honestly discussed.
This will also give the husband a chance to adjust to having a wife that other men sleep with — which will undoubtedly represent a major issue for him.
Once she starts on the hotwife road, he should adopt an unwavering show of support.
If the husband responds by showing signs of being possessive or demanding, it may result in a major rift that will spell the end of the idea -- not to mention cause major problems in the relationship.
At the same time, the husband should feel he has control of things. After all, he is granting his wife this unusual freedom.
If he grows uncomfortable with her lover's actions or intent, or has evidence of emotional attachment on the part of either his wife or her lover, the affair should immediately end. Letting things continue will only create problems all around.
This should have been the clear agreement between the husband and wife from the very start.
With each subsequent man, sex with new partners should get easier for both her and her husband.
Assuming that she has had limited experience, she may need to have sex with several men before her anxieties disappear and she is able to concentrate on sexual pleasure.
Probably none of these men will be her "dream guy" -- in fact, it will be better it it's not. The point is only that she gets experience with different men.
The husband needs to be totally committed to stick with her and stick with the marriage, even when jealousy and doubt enter the picture.
Other men have adjusted to having hotwives (even wives that work as prostitutes) and, given time, he should be able to.
Even so, it may be difficult for a husband to see his wife come back from a date knowing that she's been in bed with another man. At the same time we've heard from men who are turned on by knowing that another man has just had their wife. According to one cuckold husband, "I get turned on seeing her come back home all hot and sweaty, smelling of sex and looking well used. ...It turns me on to have sex with her while she's still wet from another guy."
Navigating Some Dangerous Waters
Clearly, all this represents dangerous waters.
The wife, in particular, will have to be extremely careful how she handles things. She should be motivated to protect her sexual freedom by at no time letting another relationship take precedence over things in her marriage.
Although she may enjoy sex with other men, this should in no way diminish her love for her husband or the opportunities for sex within the marriage.
Most women in marriages say that although they enjoy and look forward to the excitement and variety of other sexual encounters, including the superior sexual prowess of some of men, these things can't replace making love with someone they deeply care about.
Unfortunately, because of various health and other issues, the person they deeply care about may not be able to fully meet their physical or emotional needs
In granting her sexual freedom, the husband is giving her a gift which is based on trust.
She needs to always ask permission from her husband before setting up sexual meetings with men, making sure he is okay with it.
When she goes out with a man for sex, he should insist on knowing who she's with and where they are at all times. She should immediately call him on her cell phone about any change of plans.
If he has concerns or problems with the change of plan, she should cancel them. That 's the price of her sexual freedom (although he should be able to later explain why).
Although the photo here suggests a romantic evening, it should be kept in mind that truly romantic evenings should be reserved for her husband.
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Another Approach
We know of a case where a husband arranged with some men for his wife to go with them on an out of town convention. He knew that after hours they would probably go to popular night spots that included drinks and dancing.
Before she left, he mentioned that one of the men probably would probably try to convince her to spend the night with him, and maybe she should see what it would be like.
Unlike some husbands who's greatest fear is in thinking that their wives will go to bed with another man, these husbands encourage their wives to regularly enjoy sex with other men
Confronting the Issue
of Emotional Involvement
Sex without emotional involvement is new for many, if not most women, and this issue needs to be brought to the front of discussions.
Once the hotwife door is opened — and, yes, we are repeating this — it should be agreed that if she suspects growing emotional involvement (significant attachment) on the part of her sexual partner or herself, she quickly will break off the liaison.
This may be difficult, but it violates the husband-wife agreement, and not to do so almost always results in major problems all the way around.
In short, avoid this kind of trouble!
Sex with one man outside the marriage constitutes an "affair" and often starts with or leads to emotional involvement. Regularly enjoying sex with different men just for the sake of enjoying the experience constitutes a hotwife
If affairs become commonplace — and they almost are now — we may be forced to reexamine our ancient religious rationales and move to what is actually a higher standard -- where relationships are based on love and emotional commitment, and not centered in sexual exclusivity.
The direction of change seems clear, but, as in the case of most major social changes, it will be a bumpy road.