Nikkicd-tv
I'm a Gurl in the wrong body, who loves black men
Originally written by one Peggyflouncey, and copied from xHamster member Dani-B-Stoned, this essay is essentially my inner self as I grew into the real woman inside...
You can distinctly recall being told "Don't put your hands on your hips like that when you stand" and "you walk like a girl". You were naturally a little femme, and had to make an effort not to show people who you really are. You tried to fit in, but got beat up a lot. As a teen you had thoughts and desires about being pretty. The "hot" or popular girls paid no attention to you whatever. Your only real friends were other boys who didn't fit in and some of the girls who were deemed to be "less attractive" but they would never consider you as anything other than a dear sweet friend who they could confide in. They would never in a million years consider you to be someone that they would ever find attractive, or sexually interesting.
Your curiosity about yourself comes to the surface. You try on some lingerie and see your decidedly femme body in the mirror. The image of yourself excites you a little. After some time you acknowledge that this is a part of you. When you look at playboy & penthouse magazines, you discover that you're actually jealous of the girls. They look so alluring and you wished that you could look like that too. Of course you haven't told a single other soul about this. It is a secret part of yourself that you're unsure about.
You go through cycles of acknowledging who you really are and giving in to your needs. You dress completely for the first time. Heels, hose, garter belt, panties, bra, and even some make up. You might even try on a skirt and a blouse. When you see yourself in the mirror, you are amazed at how pretty the girl looking back at you is. A tear flows down your cheek...and it's not just the joy of seeing yourself as who you feel you really are, but also sadness for the life that girl never got to live. You desperately want to let her out. You know in your heart that she is meant to be. But you alternate between needing to be her, acknowledging her presence within you, and shoving her back into the closet where she is safe and can't get hurt...or hurt the little boy that she lives inside. But then you are confronted with the knowledge that you are not the only one in the world who is like this. Your heart soars and you experience a "ratification of your own existence." Be it a book, a TV show, a magazine, or a video, it doesn't matter. There are others who are dealing with the same problem.
The cycles progress in intensity and frequency. You begin to experiment sexually as this feminine persona. You give her a name. She develops a personality...a reflection of who you begin to to realize is the "real you." These "moments of clarity" well up within you until you can no longer ignore them. But after each of these episodes when you become her, there is a big post-orgasm letdown. An unrelenting series of highs and lows, punctuated by a complete crash every time you masturbate. The resultant shame, humiliation, and denial cause you to swear you'll never do it again. After at least one of these lows, you will throw away all of your feminine clothing, sex toys, magazines, and videos. But over time your needs well up within you and you begin to wonder where your own inner conflict fits into the patchwork quilt of crossdresser, transsexual, transvestite, sissy, intersexed, shemale, gay, bi, or straight landscape.
Your so called "real life" and your obligations and responsibilities have progressed to the point that you feel cornered by the expectations of everyone but yourself. You are intelligent, so you've built a life and may have even entered into a relationship with a woman. Financial obligations, and your job seem to overwhelm you. The stress builds up within you to the boiling point. That girl who you keep shoving back in the closet is kicking the door and screaming "Let me out!" You hear her every day, and try to remain calm "Just wait sweetheart. You'll get your chance. I'll let you out next week." You are very much like a ticking bomb waiting to go off at this point.
You think that you can satisfy your needs temporarily by just "dabbling a little", this "sticking your toe in the water" of fulfillment only makes you realize the undeniable truth. Watching porn, creating internet profiles for your female persona, and contacting others only spurs you to delve more fully into this voyage of self discovery. If you have entered into a relationship, it becomes strained even if you haven't "come out" to your partner yet. The inevitable "Fuck what everyone else wants" occurs at this point. You've reached a stage in your life where there is no denying yourself. You latch on to any excuse to push yourself forward. If you have an appreciable amount of body hair you've removed it. You pluck your eyebrows and grow your nails out to the extent possible without it being obvious. Your significant other begins to nag, but you don't care. You've denied yourself for years, it's your turn. You develop your own style just as a normal young girl did in her teens. You watch hours of make-up tutorials on youtube. You might even read up on your options for taking hormones. Your femininity becomes more than a fantasy, it becomes one of the most important things in your life. You're as obsessed with clothing as any genetic female, maybe even more so. You order cosmetics, jewelry, lingerie, shoes, and clothing online. You may even order some hormones and have laser or electrolysis at this point. A small tattoo in a concealed location on your body, or getting your ears pierced are options you've considered...as long as you keep moving forward.
Although at this point you may have not come out to a single soul in your "real life", this has become a part of you to such an extent that an hour does not pass that you don't think about it. By this time you've determined through self exploration where you fit in to the aforementioned "patchwork quilt". Whether you've decided that you are a 1) woman on the inside, have always been, and need to have a complete SRS, 2) a "transbian" who wants breasts and nothing more, or 3) a sissy who feels the inner need to crossdress for complete sexual fulfillment, you know that you must get out there and get the kind of sex that you've always wanted. You actually go out and do it. Whether it's at a motel, someone's house, or in a booth at an adult book store, you experience a single moment of inner peace and gratification for your self. The thought crosses your mind "Finally! I'm doing what I've always wanted and it feels fantastic!" Whether you are 18, 28, 38, or even 48 years old, it is a moment you will always remember. You might feel like a total pig the next day, but over the years, those feelings will be forgotten. What you will remember is that single moment of fulfillment.
Be careful and safe out there Honey! There are people who wish us harm.
You can distinctly recall being told "Don't put your hands on your hips like that when you stand" and "you walk like a girl". You were naturally a little femme, and had to make an effort not to show people who you really are. You tried to fit in, but got beat up a lot. As a teen you had thoughts and desires about being pretty. The "hot" or popular girls paid no attention to you whatever. Your only real friends were other boys who didn't fit in and some of the girls who were deemed to be "less attractive" but they would never consider you as anything other than a dear sweet friend who they could confide in. They would never in a million years consider you to be someone that they would ever find attractive, or sexually interesting.
Your curiosity about yourself comes to the surface. You try on some lingerie and see your decidedly femme body in the mirror. The image of yourself excites you a little. After some time you acknowledge that this is a part of you. When you look at playboy & penthouse magazines, you discover that you're actually jealous of the girls. They look so alluring and you wished that you could look like that too. Of course you haven't told a single other soul about this. It is a secret part of yourself that you're unsure about.
You go through cycles of acknowledging who you really are and giving in to your needs. You dress completely for the first time. Heels, hose, garter belt, panties, bra, and even some make up. You might even try on a skirt and a blouse. When you see yourself in the mirror, you are amazed at how pretty the girl looking back at you is. A tear flows down your cheek...and it's not just the joy of seeing yourself as who you feel you really are, but also sadness for the life that girl never got to live. You desperately want to let her out. You know in your heart that she is meant to be. But you alternate between needing to be her, acknowledging her presence within you, and shoving her back into the closet where she is safe and can't get hurt...or hurt the little boy that she lives inside. But then you are confronted with the knowledge that you are not the only one in the world who is like this. Your heart soars and you experience a "ratification of your own existence." Be it a book, a TV show, a magazine, or a video, it doesn't matter. There are others who are dealing with the same problem.
The cycles progress in intensity and frequency. You begin to experiment sexually as this feminine persona. You give her a name. She develops a personality...a reflection of who you begin to to realize is the "real you." These "moments of clarity" well up within you until you can no longer ignore them. But after each of these episodes when you become her, there is a big post-orgasm letdown. An unrelenting series of highs and lows, punctuated by a complete crash every time you masturbate. The resultant shame, humiliation, and denial cause you to swear you'll never do it again. After at least one of these lows, you will throw away all of your feminine clothing, sex toys, magazines, and videos. But over time your needs well up within you and you begin to wonder where your own inner conflict fits into the patchwork quilt of crossdresser, transsexual, transvestite, sissy, intersexed, shemale, gay, bi, or straight landscape.
Your so called "real life" and your obligations and responsibilities have progressed to the point that you feel cornered by the expectations of everyone but yourself. You are intelligent, so you've built a life and may have even entered into a relationship with a woman. Financial obligations, and your job seem to overwhelm you. The stress builds up within you to the boiling point. That girl who you keep shoving back in the closet is kicking the door and screaming "Let me out!" You hear her every day, and try to remain calm "Just wait sweetheart. You'll get your chance. I'll let you out next week." You are very much like a ticking bomb waiting to go off at this point.
You think that you can satisfy your needs temporarily by just "dabbling a little", this "sticking your toe in the water" of fulfillment only makes you realize the undeniable truth. Watching porn, creating internet profiles for your female persona, and contacting others only spurs you to delve more fully into this voyage of self discovery. If you have entered into a relationship, it becomes strained even if you haven't "come out" to your partner yet. The inevitable "Fuck what everyone else wants" occurs at this point. You've reached a stage in your life where there is no denying yourself. You latch on to any excuse to push yourself forward. If you have an appreciable amount of body hair you've removed it. You pluck your eyebrows and grow your nails out to the extent possible without it being obvious. Your significant other begins to nag, but you don't care. You've denied yourself for years, it's your turn. You develop your own style just as a normal young girl did in her teens. You watch hours of make-up tutorials on youtube. You might even read up on your options for taking hormones. Your femininity becomes more than a fantasy, it becomes one of the most important things in your life. You're as obsessed with clothing as any genetic female, maybe even more so. You order cosmetics, jewelry, lingerie, shoes, and clothing online. You may even order some hormones and have laser or electrolysis at this point. A small tattoo in a concealed location on your body, or getting your ears pierced are options you've considered...as long as you keep moving forward.
Although at this point you may have not come out to a single soul in your "real life", this has become a part of you to such an extent that an hour does not pass that you don't think about it. By this time you've determined through self exploration where you fit in to the aforementioned "patchwork quilt". Whether you've decided that you are a 1) woman on the inside, have always been, and need to have a complete SRS, 2) a "transbian" who wants breasts and nothing more, or 3) a sissy who feels the inner need to crossdress for complete sexual fulfillment, you know that you must get out there and get the kind of sex that you've always wanted. You actually go out and do it. Whether it's at a motel, someone's house, or in a booth at an adult book store, you experience a single moment of inner peace and gratification for your self. The thought crosses your mind "Finally! I'm doing what I've always wanted and it feels fantastic!" Whether you are 18, 28, 38, or even 48 years old, it is a moment you will always remember. You might feel like a total pig the next day, but over the years, those feelings will be forgotten. What you will remember is that single moment of fulfillment.
Be careful and safe out there Honey! There are people who wish us harm.
