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What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting?

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Stella1976, May 25, 2018.

  1. Stella1976

    Stella1976 Member Member

    Ok this is going to be a long post..I am a 41year old woman what is wrong with me?I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am truly lost.I can’t believe I am posting something so personal as I am a very private person, but this is so upsetting to me I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears.I came here hoping someone can give me some advice, or even some words of comfort. Maybe my feelings on this are silly on the scale of things.
    I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!
    The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: “Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!”.I am a 41year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette.I I like dressing well, and looking presentable. I don’t dress slutty at all. My boobs are 32 f bra size though and I do have a big butt. My hourglass shape is unique and i am tall, and I appreciate that.If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I prefer wearing satin pants and a little shorter satin skirts, always above knees, sometimes even quite much, but not any miniskirts anyway. I am always on high heels and full make up on.I am always in tight form fitting satin and silk clothes. I am a stylish person.I usually stay away from anything too revealing.I am describing myself because i want you to know the complexity of the situation.On september 22 this year i attended women entrepreneurs conference in the neighboring town.This skinny really short like 5ft3 ugly wrinkled face thin lips creepy green eyes grayhaired masculine woman in her late 50s approached me and introduced herself.She said that she is local bookstore owner.I was wearing my pink satin short sleeve bow blouse my black satin pencil skirt and my pink 6inch high heels shoes.Than she said that she likes to caress satin fabric and that silk and satin is so smooth to the touch when rubbing.Than she started rubbing my back with her right hand while talking to me about the conference.Than i sat on the chair the conference started and she sat on the chair behind me and began rubbing my back. I felt awkward.She then began furthering her reach and casually brushed across my rib cage/side boob. I thought it was an accident, then she did it again and left her hand there and leaned in to whisper something about the conference.She kept rubbing my back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else. And that happened a few times.She began fully brushing the sides of my breasts.While she was standing talking her hands were resting on my shoulders.Her hands were practically constantly on me during the conference.The conference ended and while i was talking to two other women she walked up to me and said ”uuuu i love your blouse”and she started rubbing my back with her left hand and with her right hand rubbing my whole front side concentrating on my breasts.She was explaining to the other women that she just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric.They were totally weirded out.Than she said to me “You are so tall and big and soft”I was literally frozen.I just stood there not saying a word.Later while i was talking to one panelist she was behind me rubbing and caressing my ass with her right hand.Later in the hallway she hugged me from behind placing her hands on my breasts and cupped my breasts , squeezing gently for like 5 minutes.While i was walking to my car she was walking behind me with her hands on my ass talking to me about the conference.She was resting her hands on my butt.She had her arm around me from behind and was just cupping one of my boobs. I tried to walk fast but i was on 6inch high heels.I was just standing and sitting there letting it happen.i wass like frozen to the ground and paralyzed.Suddenly, i was unable to speak coherently.I wass going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” ” errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr” for ages and ages.That happened to me three months ago but i am still so embarrassed by the whole thing. I’m embarrassed that this weird short skinny masculine stranger woman was touching me and groping me so intimately in front of more than 50 other women and I did nothing about it.I amphysically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.I am a 41year old woman what is wrong with me. I am a weak spineless person.Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can’t verbalize a succinct “NO” to this short skinny mature pervert lesbian.I didn’t say anything or tell her to stop.I couldn’t talk normal.I couldn’t get words out of my mouth.I was like totally paralyzed while she was touching me and groping me.Mouth was open but no words came out of it.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman.Other women at the conference were weirded out but they ignored that and said/did nothing as if nothing was happening.I think that the women were in shock themselves,maybe they thought we knew each other?Unfortunately some people don’t like to get involved if they feel uncomfortable or threatened or not sure what is going on.I am physically stronger than this short skinny mature woman,standing next to me she looked like a midget but i was totally paralyzed while she was touching me rubbing me and groping me.It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting?I was totally paralyzed and numb while she was touching me and groping me.I was just sitting and standing there kind of awkwardly.I was like frozen, detached and numb while she was touching me and rubbing me.Afterwards when i got home I started breathing hard, my legs got weak, and my heart started to race really fast.I have never felt such shame or degradation like this in my life.I am so consumed with guilt.I didn’t tell my husband about this.I was to ashamed.Also I can’t talk to my husband about this because he is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. I feel completely used and humiliated by this total stranger woman.I know this may sound like I’m overreacting, but I genuinely felt violated.I was practically hand raped by this pervert weird short skinny mature ugly total stranger woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life. I just felt so powerless.I’m so terriby deeply humiliated by her.People often think i am stuck up arrogant and a bit of a snob when i am NOTHING like that at all,i have also been told that i think i am better than everyone else.People are saying to me that i look very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.People have told me that they always thought I was stuck up or that I thought I was too good for everyone else.I hate that so much….especially because the total opposite is true.Well, this never happened to me before, until now. I am 41year old woman.It was probably the most humiliating experience of my life.I was totally numb while she was touching me.I have no desire to do anything sexual with a women.I am 100% straight.I’ve never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe.I’m posting this here since the incident was mildly traumatic for me even though I definitely wasn’t raped but i really think I was sexually assaulted. I just kind of want some thoughts or advice from people and don’t want to talk about it with people I know.I just kind of want to hear opinions or advice or something from someone.Thanks.I don’t have an issue with lesbians doing what they do and i don’t dislike them as people.I am not homophobic.I’ve been having this feeling of having been violated and I think I have been because this awful pervert woman just walked all over my boundaries.It is a very horrible feeling.I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself.I’m confused and my mind doesn’t stop. I really worry that I’m going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone’s time but I had to get some of this out of my head.What is wrong with me? Is this a normal reaction to getting attacked…to disappear into your head and go limp or rigid? I’ve never heard anyone say they did this and I’m so ashamed that I couldn’t even say no or push this pervert hideous short skinny mature total stranger woman away. I have large boobs, and all men like to tell me about them. Men talk about them a lot, but no man ever dares to touch them. If he did I would tell him to ###$ off. If he did I would scream. If he did I might even report it.Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I love my height and my curvy stature. I love satin and silk clothes and dressing up too. I am always in high heels with hair and makeup done. That’s just who I am.I love dressing up, I’ve tried dressing down, but I always end up changing. My clothes are there to be worn!People always ask me why I’m so dressed up.I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.I don’t want to talk about it with my friends or people I know.I wanted to share this i am to ashamed.I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone.If i meet this pervert woman i am going to put a lot of distance between the two of us.What if i freeze again?I don’t want to go to the neighboring town because of this awful woman.I am so confused about what happened to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.It is all my fault. I let that woman walk all over me.I’m physically stronger.I let that weird woman get away with so much.I was totally paralyzed.I am scared to see a therapist.I am terrified that I wont be able to even tell the therapist whats wrong with me.Please be brutally honest.I suppose I’m asking the question as to whether I give off subconsicous “please come take advantage of me” signals because it was scary how easily she started touching me.And this woman is short and skinny in her late 50s.I am physically stronger than her.Standing next to me she looked like a midget.That awful woman ruined me.I was totally paralyzed.I just collapsed into myself.I feel so humiliated.It was like i went into ‘freeze’ mode when she started touching me.I just was in shock.What happened I feel has traumatized me so much.Please tell me am I overreacting? Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but Im afraid that he might get mad at me or something.I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I don’t really know who.I understand that I’m being a wimp.It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.She is like 5ft3 tall skinny.I was on 6inch high heels she was in sneakers.Standing next to me she looked like a midget but she was not intimidated by me.Why?
    I can’t verbally talk about it because I have really bad anxiety. I can’t tell anyone really…I feel trapped.I keep trying to tell myself I can handle this but really I don’t know.I’m really ashamed.This is all so confusing.
     

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